Dating progression
April 15, 2012 12:04 PM   Subscribe

What are the progression levels if you are dating a girl over few weeks? We kissed after the first date in the parking lot and the second date in the car before calling it a night. How do you get few moments alone to escalate and suggest you mean business without looking like a creep? When it is ok to hold hands, or walk that way? I already grabbed her forearms while walking leading her in a different shop, street etc and she is very comfortable.
posted by daveg02 to Society & Culture (19 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
How old are you? Where do you live? Are there any cultural or religious values involved?
posted by k8t at 12:08 PM on April 15, 2012

There are no levels or guides. I'd suggest a conversation with her is your quickest route to answers. You'll thank yourself later (maybe much later).
posted by odinsdream at 12:08 PM on April 15, 2012

Yes I am. Due to some child trauma, I never dated before but have been with women before. Just starting to get out. So kind of naive or new to such conversations. And while it is easy for me to get dates now, after few dates when women expect things to escalate, my mind seems to turn off and do not know what to say to get there. For ex. I do have my own place, when we drive in separate cars how do you ask her to come to place after going out and not sound like I got some other motive?
posted by daveg02 at 12:16 PM on April 15, 2012

[OP is not anon, if you have picky issues with word choice that are not on topic, please MeMail them.]
posted by jessamyn at 12:19 PM on April 15, 2012

The thing is that you do have some other motive, and the chances are she wants the same thing. It's okay to want to spend more time with someone and it's okay for that more time to be sexy time. Just ask if she wants to come back to your place for a drink/movie/etc. She'll know what the subtext is.
posted by cmoj at 12:28 PM on April 15, 2012 [6 favorites]

She will make these questions easier for you if you keep at it. For instance, if you've been out a couple times and you've kissed her, just try holding her hand and see what happens. If she wants to come over she'll probably let you know that. You can certainly do things to make it easier, like picking her up or going somewhere within walking distance of her or your place.

I'm unclear what you mean by "some other motive." Your motive for getting her back to your place is sexytimes, and that's what she will understand it to be. If she's into you and is ready for that, she'll get together with you in a more private setting.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:29 PM on April 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

Okay. By some other motive I meant looking like desperate and not in a romantic way.

I do like to have good time although I am not desperate.
posted by daveg02 at 12:36 PM on April 15, 2012

"how do you ask her to come to place after going out and not sound like I got some other motive"

This is your main problem here. The whole point is that you have another motive ie. to have sex with her, and she (if things are going well) has the exact same motive too. You have to get over hiding you interest, and instead be honest with yourself and her. She knows what you want or she wouldnt be going on dates with you. If she is going out with you, its because she wants you to ask her back home for sexytime.
posted by KeSetAffinityThread at 12:39 PM on April 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

Holding hands is okay at any point. Most girls like it. If you take her hand and she doesn't pull away then you are ready to move on to the next level.

Your first kiss was in a parking lot and your second in the car. It's time to up the romance. Take her someplace that is special to you, hold her hand, look into her eyes and kiss her like there is no tomorrow. If she leans into you, then keep kissing. Tell her you are crazy about her (if that is true) and ask her if she would like to go slow or fast. You are a fan of fast but will go slow if she must. Discuss birth control. You are not ready for sex until you are capable of discussing birth control with the other person.

If you 'seal the deal' call her the next day, no matter what. If aliens land in your living room and set all your underwear on fire, you must still call her the day after.

Send flowers if you really like her.
posted by myselfasme at 12:52 PM on April 15, 2012 [14 favorites]

You need to stop thinking of sex as something you are convincing/ tricking/ talking this woman into or that it's somehow separate from the non-physical relationship you're building with her.

And yes, up the romance. Make your intentions clear by asking her out on a definite date that has a good chance of ending at one of your places- pick her up and go to a nice restaurant in your neighborhood for example. Or maybe do that date first then later on invite her over for a meal that you cook. If she says yes to that then she's probably thinking along the same lines you are and you can implement myselfasme's conversation as outlined above.
posted by fshgrl at 1:08 PM on April 15, 2012 [5 favorites]

Whoa. Please, let's not suggest that a woman going back to a man's apartment means that she has the same goal. She may honestly be interested in a movie, having dinner, hanging out or just snuggling or kissing. If OP is inexperienced and perhaps even dissociates (that sounds like what's happening when you say you shut off), this could be very risky.

OP, I assume you know you need to confirm interest along the way and that someone merely going up to see your apartment is not informed consent. But I just want to make it clear, as there seems to be other opinions above. Even asking to go slow or fast (which I think is a great opening discussion in that context) requires you to check in as you go - and to make it clear that she can change her mind.

Focus on this as relationship and intimacy building, unless your entire goal is just sex. And, if that's the case, check in with her to see if that's her only goal too. But, if you're looking for more than that, you probably don't want to lead with that.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 1:09 PM on April 15, 2012 [18 favorites]

not sound like I got some other motive

Assuming these are romantic dates and that's clear between both parties (and I'd say that, if there's been kissing, that's a good sign), the woman is expecting that you have "some other motive", and most likely has that same motive on her mind.

I agree, there's always that first awkwardness where nobody wants to spell out, "hey, would you like to come over and have sex?" And you definitely shouldn't say that.

But just invite her over to your place after your date. You don't have to say what it's for. She knows what it's for, and she's probably happy that it's on your mind. Women like sex, just like men do.

If you absolutely must mask your true motives, just for politeness' sake, say, "want to come over for a drink?" or "want to come over and watch a movie?" or "want to see my apartment?" or the like. If you have some hobby or possession that is of interest (say for example she expresses interest in the fact that you play the guitar) by all means invite her over to see it/hear you play/jam/whatever.

I'm assuming here that you live in a secular Western-style society, and that we're not talking about Saudi Arabia or Utah here. In which case assuming that if a girl kissed you and you've been on multiple dates, that probably means sex is on the agenda would be a really BAD assumption for you to make.
posted by Sara C. at 1:23 PM on April 15, 2012

I make no assumption here that a woman's agreement to come back to your apartment means that sex has been consented to. Sure, it's possible that she really just wants to watch a movie, and very possible that she's comfortable coming to your house for more private kissing and snuggling but not quite ready to have actual sex with you.

However, I think that there's nothing wrong with asking her to come back to your place and taking her agreement as an unspoken cue that sex is now on the table. Because nobody is EVER going to say, "Can I come over to your house and have sex with you now?" and it would probably be rude of you to phrase it that way as well. There's nothing wrong with unspoken social codes and euphemisms. If you wait for someone to stop you and DEMAND sex, you will never have sex.

But, yeah, if you ask her back to your place and she goes, don't assume that means she's definitely going to have sex with you. Just that it's most likely on the table in an unspoken way.
posted by Sara C. at 1:27 PM on April 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

You say, do you want to watch a movie/have dinner/hang out at my place sometime?

The important thing is not to view her coming over to your place, or inviting you over to hers, as some kind of declaration of intent that sex is going to happen on that occasion, or that she's "asking for it". On the one hand sure, it's a step forward for you guys, but on the other hand it's just a change of venue. So take it easy, pay attention to how she's feeling, check in with her and make sure you're on the same page. And definitely before you actually have sex talk about it, even if briefly.

She knows what you want or she wouldnt be going on dates with you. If she is going out with you, its because she wants you to ask her back home for sexytime.

I know this was written with the best intentions, but fuck no. People go out on dates, or even enter other people's apartments, for various reasons and everyone has their own pace. One person's signal that they're ready for sex might just be tentative, sociable, or even naive behavior for someone else. (On preview, ditto Chaussette.)
posted by egg drop at 1:30 PM on April 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

This situation is not about conversation but instead about delightful animals with a veneer of culture. It is very much the case that -everybody- likes sex (with a few outliers about whom we are not interested for the purpose of this question). They just are selective and cautious to one degree or another and they do not usually want a sudden rush. You give the lady a couple of outs, to ensure she has in mind what you do. You give the lady -another- one to be good and sure. Please note: the outs go from offering coffee - "showing her your etchings" sounds snarky these days - to happening to have some wine if she doesn't want coffee (she won't if she has play time in head) to having wine-and-a-kiss and then a few more (please, please have somewhere to set the wine glasses). Then you up your game, not like a Neanderthal. If you end up in a delicious embrace but she shows uncertainty, you back off for the time being. The idea is seduction: "this is as nice as a warm bath but with way more good feelings", not "we're going to fuck like bunnies". You do not pick someone up and throw them into a warm bath. You want to maintain courtesy. If she wants a takedown scene, she will let you know. It's a sign of bad breeding to try that otherwise.

It's probably a good thing to figure she will be willing to at least share the lead. It is a great thing to plan NOTHING besides "this person is yummy and cuddly and we -might- have all kinds of experiences, but we will choose them together and let the present feelings guide us."
posted by jet_silver at 2:04 PM on April 15, 2012 [1 favorite]

There is nothing shameful about wanting to sleep with this woman and there's no need to hide your sexual interest from her. Yes, you want to be appropriate about it, but the way to do that is by letting her know what you want and respecting her input every step of the way.

Hold her hand. Just gently take it for a few minutes while walking down the street - especially if you are going around a tricky roadblock or through a crowd - and then gently let go. (I say this because I still remember one awkward date where we started holding hands and then because neither one of us could figure out how to let go graciously we kept holding hands long after it became uncomfortable and sweaty. Letting go can be really simple and easy).

If the weather's nice in your area, take her to a lovely park or riverside point after dinner and tell her you think she's [quality you find in her] and kiss her a bit and linger and see how that goes - if she gets into the kissing.

If that goes well, suggest going back to your place. If you really want to be clear, say something like "I really want to take you home and rock your world. What do you think?"

And that gives the two of you a chance to talk about how you want things to go. She may be up for intense making out but no nudity, full on sexytimes or some point in between or outside that range. Talking about what you want is sexy plus it allows her to put her desires on the table too, or to say "X sounds amazing but I'm not quite ready for Y yet."

There's no "normal" here that you are going to fall afoul of, as long as you are honest and respectful. I've had first dates end with intensive making out and I've dated guys who waited for several dates before making a move.
posted by bunderful at 2:05 PM on April 15, 2012 [4 favorites]

If you're still not confident enough to know how to ask a girl back to your place, please please do not say "I want to take you home and rock your world" or "do you want to take it fast or slow" after only kissing the girl. In fact, don't say it at all, even if you do get the confidence - it sounds super sleazy either way, and I would never come over to your apartment if you said that to me.

If you've been on a couple of dates with a girl, hasn't some movie come up in conversation that you have at home on DVD? Invite her over to watch it. Or did you mention that you can cook an awesome pizza from scratch? Invite her over for that. Or just say "I feel like staying in and watching a movie tonight, want to come hang out?" It's simple. And from there, offer her some wine or beer, sit next to her on the couch, and gauge her reaction. Things should progress naturally and you should not be wondering when to make the next movie, because hopefully you'll both want to start getting closer, start making out, etc.
posted by at 5:14 PM on April 15, 2012 [2 favorites]

If you're still not confident enough to know how to ask a girl back to your place, please please do not say "I want to take you home and rock your world" or "do you want to take it fast or slow" after only kissing the girl.

I have to agree that this will just be awkward and weird if it doesn't come naturally to the OP. Sorry, perhaps I was projecting a bit :)

I hope you do get the idea from these responses that there are a lot of different ways to get this right, and woman who likes you isn't going to be put off when she finds out that *gasp* your interest in her goes beyond pizza and light conversation.

Good luck, OP.
posted by bunderful at 9:16 PM on April 15, 2012

Thanks for sharing your suggestions. They are all good for different situations.
posted by daveg02 at 7:35 AM on April 16, 2012

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