Two girls and a Therapist's Office
April 11, 2012 2:53 PM Subscribe
Is it a bad idea to have the same counselor as your best friend?
I've been out of counseling for a couple of years and feel like I need some extra help again.
My best friend recommended her counselor to me. She says this person is amazing. I've been having bad luck finding one lately who is both competent and empathetic, so I'm tempted to make an appointment with this person. However, I remember a past counselor who I loved (but who I can't see anymore because of her much higher fees) once told me that it's not always a good idea to share counselors with friends. Something about how it can make the relationship feel "less special" or something.
Anyone have any related experience in to suggest whether seeing this counselor would not be a good idea?
I've been out of counseling for a couple of years and feel like I need some extra help again.
My best friend recommended her counselor to me. She says this person is amazing. I've been having bad luck finding one lately who is both competent and empathetic, so I'm tempted to make an appointment with this person. However, I remember a past counselor who I loved (but who I can't see anymore because of her much higher fees) once told me that it's not always a good idea to share counselors with friends. Something about how it can make the relationship feel "less special" or something.
Anyone have any related experience in to suggest whether seeing this counselor would not be a good idea?
It really depends on why you're going. If there's any potential that you will be bringing up your friend at all during your sessions, just get a rec from this counselor.
posted by mleigh at 3:20 PM on April 11, 2012
posted by mleigh at 3:20 PM on April 11, 2012
It really depends on how you, your friend, and the counselor feel about it. My mom saw my therapist for a while and none of us felt that there was an issue because I wasn't there to talk about my mom and she wasn't there to talk about me.
So if you're not going to discuss your friend and vice versa, then I don't think there's an ethical issue/conflict of interest. I can't really speak to the "less special" aspect of it.
posted by elsietheeel at 3:21 PM on April 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
So if you're not going to discuss your friend and vice versa, then I don't think there's an ethical issue/conflict of interest. I can't really speak to the "less special" aspect of it.
posted by elsietheeel at 3:21 PM on April 11, 2012 [3 favorites]
I've had the same therapist as a good friend - student health insurance - and it was a total non issue. I was even able to talk about issues with the friendship, I have complete trust in my therapist's confidentiality. We talked a little about the fact that she saw both of us and it was just not a problem at all.
posted by insectosaurus at 3:22 PM on April 11, 2012
posted by insectosaurus at 3:22 PM on April 11, 2012
It will also be the counselor's call. I found mine through a referral by a friend. The friend's therapist would not see friends/acquaintences of a client. My own counselor also went with this.
The idea there was to create a relationship where you are the only person in your "world" that the therapist has any investment in.
Personally I would be concerned about seeing the same therapist as my *best* friend (or any other major figure in my life) because they will inevitably *come up* and I wouldn't want more personal barriers to just spilling my guts than are already there by default.
YMMV and all of that, so if that's not something you are personally worried about, it never hurts to call. If nothing else, they will be able to do referrals.
posted by menialjoy at 3:25 PM on April 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
The idea there was to create a relationship where you are the only person in your "world" that the therapist has any investment in.
Personally I would be concerned about seeing the same therapist as my *best* friend (or any other major figure in my life) because they will inevitably *come up* and I wouldn't want more personal barriers to just spilling my guts than are already there by default.
YMMV and all of that, so if that's not something you are personally worried about, it never hurts to call. If nothing else, they will be able to do referrals.
posted by menialjoy at 3:25 PM on April 11, 2012 [2 favorites]
My previous therapist had a policy of not having close friends as clients. As it turns out, a close friend and I were both clients, which we never discussed. My current therapist does not have a policy, and sees a ton of people from my place of work, including a close friend. Possibly other people I know, too, but the friend is the only one I know about.
I didn't/don't talk about either of these friends often, but once in a while they would come up and I always find it very awkward. For me, therapy is really all about my story, my take on my life, how I see the world, etc. When I bring up someone I know my therapist knows I get self-conscious about whether she's heard the same story from the other person, and whether they told it the same way, and who she "believes." It's not a huge big deal, and it really does happen rarely, but it's definitely a factor.
I would call the therapist and ask her straight up how she handles this sort of thing. She may have a great strategy for dealing with it, she may refuse to see you, she may have someone else she recommends for you.
posted by looli at 3:42 PM on April 11, 2012
I didn't/don't talk about either of these friends often, but once in a while they would come up and I always find it very awkward. For me, therapy is really all about my story, my take on my life, how I see the world, etc. When I bring up someone I know my therapist knows I get self-conscious about whether she's heard the same story from the other person, and whether they told it the same way, and who she "believes." It's not a huge big deal, and it really does happen rarely, but it's definitely a factor.
I would call the therapist and ask her straight up how she handles this sort of thing. She may have a great strategy for dealing with it, she may refuse to see you, she may have someone else she recommends for you.
posted by looli at 3:42 PM on April 11, 2012
I had a bad experience with this and a good one. In the bad one, my friend referred me to her therapist and when I went to him, after a few sessions he started getting angry with me about things she had told him. Like taking her side. TERRIBLE! So I left him and now see my current therapist, and recommended a friend to him. She moved and doesn't see him any more, but it worked out totally fine. It didn't take away from the specialness and I was happy to help out my therapist and my friend.
posted by sweetkid at 3:46 PM on April 11, 2012
posted by sweetkid at 3:46 PM on April 11, 2012
When I was a resident adviser in college, I often referred quarreling pairs of friends or roommates even to our school's counseling department, and I was told to assure students that they would probably not have the same counselors since the department policy was not to put counselors in the position of being moderators for such students. One instance where this didn't work out caused tremendous strife among the two girls who ended up with the same counselor, and it added a lot to their daily fights because they began fighting over who would be allowed to stay with the counselor and who'd have to find someone new. Obviously this is an extreme case, but I personally think it might be better to have a different therapist than a close friend. I agree with the others who are suggesting you contact the therapist and ask about her policies.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 4:48 PM on April 11, 2012
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 4:48 PM on April 11, 2012
I once had the same counselor (through student health services) with a friend who was also a romantic interest. That got weird, going into counseling and saying "I'm upset about Wednesday" and hearing "But it doesn't sound like Wednesday was a big deal really." Ack.
In another situation I referred a therapist to a friend but we simply never discussed and in fact for a long time I didn't even know she was seeing him. Not a big deal at all.
The thing about your therapist is that they should be completely in your corner if you ever need to discuss any issues with your friend. I think some can do this and some can't.
posted by bunderful at 5:45 PM on April 11, 2012
In another situation I referred a therapist to a friend but we simply never discussed and in fact for a long time I didn't even know she was seeing him. Not a big deal at all.
The thing about your therapist is that they should be completely in your corner if you ever need to discuss any issues with your friend. I think some can do this and some can't.
posted by bunderful at 5:45 PM on April 11, 2012
Perhaps the best way to share a therapist is if the therapist does not know that you're sharing. Not that you should hide it, but that you simply shouldn't offer that information.
posted by davejay at 8:41 PM on April 11, 2012
posted by davejay at 8:41 PM on April 11, 2012
We expect confidentiality of therapists. Apply that standard to yourselves and there's no reason friends can't continue to recommend professionals to one another: "word of mouth".
Anything else introduces inappropriate consideration to the therapeutic relationship,
posted by de at 10:57 PM on April 11, 2012
Anything else introduces inappropriate consideration to the therapeutic relationship,
posted by de at 10:57 PM on April 11, 2012
When my friend started to see the same therapist I did, I quietly asked for a new therapist. Specifically, I knew I would be talking about this friend, and while I trusted the therapist, I didn't want anything to accidentally spill out. For example, perhaps I told therapist that Friend and I had a fight over issue X, and the friend brings up the fight and doesn't tell therapist what the argument was about, but the therapist somehow knows already.
posted by IndigoRain at 1:22 AM on April 12, 2012
posted by IndigoRain at 1:22 AM on April 12, 2012
It really depends on how you and your friend feel about it. There's a therapist in my area who is well-known and beloved in my subculture/community, and I know many people who see her and are okay with the fact that their friends see her, too--some of them even get a kick out of occasionally running into each other in her waiting room.
But when I was searching for a therapist a couple of years ago, I realized I was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of seeing the same therapist that the friends and former partners I might be discussing also see. Even though I know a good, professional therapist will do their best to treat each client on their own, I have a hard time shaking the idea that a therapist might be consciously or unconsciously using the information they've learned in sessions with people I know while talking with and treating me (and vice versa), and I'm just not okay with that. So even though on paper she seems perfect for me, and from everything I've heard we'd click well, I didn't even consider her an option. (And I ended up finding someone equally awesome, who I happily recommend to strangers on the Internet.)
posted by rhiannonstone at 9:07 AM on April 12, 2012
But when I was searching for a therapist a couple of years ago, I realized I was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of seeing the same therapist that the friends and former partners I might be discussing also see. Even though I know a good, professional therapist will do their best to treat each client on their own, I have a hard time shaking the idea that a therapist might be consciously or unconsciously using the information they've learned in sessions with people I know while talking with and treating me (and vice versa), and I'm just not okay with that. So even though on paper she seems perfect for me, and from everything I've heard we'd click well, I didn't even consider her an option. (And I ended up finding someone equally awesome, who I happily recommend to strangers on the Internet.)
posted by rhiannonstone at 9:07 AM on April 12, 2012
My therapist's policy was not to (knowingly) take clients who were friends/family of existing clients. She felt it was too likely to lead to ethical difficulties (one client discussing issues relating to the other, about which she would have inside information which she would be ethically bound not to reveal).
posted by Lexica at 6:51 PM on April 12, 2012
posted by Lexica at 6:51 PM on April 12, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
On the other hand, one of my best friends did that, and she wound up being so taken with my therapist that she just stayed with her (after both she and the therapist had checked in with me). I could hardly say no, because that's how I found my therapist in the first place--another dear friend and mentor had recommended her to me as a starting place for referrals, but she and I hit it off so well that I stayed (with my friend's permission, of course).
posted by Sidhedevil at 3:03 PM on April 11, 2012