It's not head vs. heart, it's more like heart vs. heart.
April 4, 2012 9:01 AM Subscribe
Reverse-breakup filter! We broke up, but both clearly still feel deeply for one another. So... now what? What determines whether a relationship is worth going back to? As always, snowflakes inside!
A bit of background: I am an early 20-something who finished undergrad less than a year ago. My significant other of 4 1/2 years and I broke up relatively recently for a number of reasons (I'll try to keep it brief). We were both struggling with a rough time in our personal lives-- him with a new and stressful job that meant exceptionally long hours, me with graduate school application stress and a host of other worries. In retrospect, I think we were both depressed, irritable and bored with our lives and subsequently each other. We struggled on for about 4 months until I decided we needed to end it-- but he agreed and the breakup was mutual although instigated by me.
I feel like our breakup was rooted in the fact that we were moving away from the shared experience of undergraduate and towards very different things (him to a professional career, me towards graduate school). The uncertainty and depression on both sides probably exacerbated this feeling and crippled our ability to talk about it productively. I also felt like I was moving towards post-grad adulthood more quickly than he was, in terms of being able to take care of a household, and that I 'knew what I wanted' out of life in a career context more than he did. We were, if you like, moving at different paces. I understand that this may have been an insurmountable problem and that ending it may have been a healthy recognition of the fact that we were growing apart. At the same time, commitment-phobe me sort of ran out before we really gave the idea of making an effort to grow-back-together a shot.
I also feel like the problems that we had in this relationship are ones that every long-term relationship will face eventually in some capacity or another, and a large part of me also feels like I am more equipped to deal with them with this person than with anyone else. Doesn't everyone have to struggle with the fact their lives may sometimes take them towards different-- not mutually exclusive, just different-- places? We are compatible on many things that are important to me-- children, politics, worldview, recreation, travel, humor, families, sex. We (of course!) have a lot of shared history and he was a good partner who treated me exceptionally well in addition to being my best friend.
I am not a person who previously has discovered any inclination in herself to go back on life decisions. I am a person who gets excited about new possibilities and relationships, so it's very unusual for me to be feeling as though I should give this another try-- I would usually rather do new stuff than try to go back to old stuff. But I also understand that I am going through a grieving process, and I do not want to make rash decisions that might hurt both of us. How do I determine whether or not these feelings are enough to get us through working on the other issues that broke us up? Furthermore, how do I determine what is natural mourning about the end of a great relationship, and what is common sense and my heart together telling me I screwed up?
I do think that we are both open to the possibility of getting back together, but I also know we are both mature and healthy people who can make it okay on our own, too, if that's the wiser course. We've spoken a few times when we've happened to run into one another (with so many of the same friends it's inevitable) and it's been polite, friendly and it's abundantly clear that neither of us bears the other any ill will. (Of course, I miss him tremendously!) I'm committed to not making any poorly-thought-out decisions, but at the same time I'd really like to begin to work out what the best course of action is here. Oh wise and wonderful Mefites, with years of experience in matters of the heart, how do I reach clarity and make an informed decision about whether or not my relationship is salvageable?
A bit of background: I am an early 20-something who finished undergrad less than a year ago. My significant other of 4 1/2 years and I broke up relatively recently for a number of reasons (I'll try to keep it brief). We were both struggling with a rough time in our personal lives-- him with a new and stressful job that meant exceptionally long hours, me with graduate school application stress and a host of other worries. In retrospect, I think we were both depressed, irritable and bored with our lives and subsequently each other. We struggled on for about 4 months until I decided we needed to end it-- but he agreed and the breakup was mutual although instigated by me.
I feel like our breakup was rooted in the fact that we were moving away from the shared experience of undergraduate and towards very different things (him to a professional career, me towards graduate school). The uncertainty and depression on both sides probably exacerbated this feeling and crippled our ability to talk about it productively. I also felt like I was moving towards post-grad adulthood more quickly than he was, in terms of being able to take care of a household, and that I 'knew what I wanted' out of life in a career context more than he did. We were, if you like, moving at different paces. I understand that this may have been an insurmountable problem and that ending it may have been a healthy recognition of the fact that we were growing apart. At the same time, commitment-phobe me sort of ran out before we really gave the idea of making an effort to grow-back-together a shot.
I also feel like the problems that we had in this relationship are ones that every long-term relationship will face eventually in some capacity or another, and a large part of me also feels like I am more equipped to deal with them with this person than with anyone else. Doesn't everyone have to struggle with the fact their lives may sometimes take them towards different-- not mutually exclusive, just different-- places? We are compatible on many things that are important to me-- children, politics, worldview, recreation, travel, humor, families, sex. We (of course!) have a lot of shared history and he was a good partner who treated me exceptionally well in addition to being my best friend.
I am not a person who previously has discovered any inclination in herself to go back on life decisions. I am a person who gets excited about new possibilities and relationships, so it's very unusual for me to be feeling as though I should give this another try-- I would usually rather do new stuff than try to go back to old stuff. But I also understand that I am going through a grieving process, and I do not want to make rash decisions that might hurt both of us. How do I determine whether or not these feelings are enough to get us through working on the other issues that broke us up? Furthermore, how do I determine what is natural mourning about the end of a great relationship, and what is common sense and my heart together telling me I screwed up?
I do think that we are both open to the possibility of getting back together, but I also know we are both mature and healthy people who can make it okay on our own, too, if that's the wiser course. We've spoken a few times when we've happened to run into one another (with so many of the same friends it's inevitable) and it's been polite, friendly and it's abundantly clear that neither of us bears the other any ill will. (Of course, I miss him tremendously!) I'm committed to not making any poorly-thought-out decisions, but at the same time I'd really like to begin to work out what the best course of action is here. Oh wise and wonderful Mefites, with years of experience in matters of the heart, how do I reach clarity and make an informed decision about whether or not my relationship is salvageable?
The fact that you were together for so long, that you suspect he may want to take another spin on the wheel, and that you still get along makes me think that this is a special person who may deserve another shot. People who you can say those things about do not come along often. I would say, give it a try. If it is just heartbreak and feelings of mourning driving your desire to get back together that will probably be clear sooner rather than later.
posted by melangell at 9:30 AM on April 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by melangell at 9:30 AM on April 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
A close friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend of about that many years, and did end up getting back together with her. The advice I gave him, and which I will give you now, is to wait at least six months. Don't start the new relationship in the graveyard of the old one, you know? And then spend those six months really consciously addressing the issues that plagued the first relationship, whether in therapy or on your own. You don't have to avoid the guy completely, just don't DATE (or sleep with!) him. If the relationship is gonna be forever, six months is a drop in the bucket.
posted by KathrynT at 9:32 AM on April 4, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 9:32 AM on April 4, 2012 [8 favorites]
My boyfriend of 3 years and I broke up at a similar juncture in our relationship/life & got back together after about a year. We are still together 20+ years later. :-)
Ask yourself... is he your best friend? Is he the first person you want to call when something good or something terrible happens to you? When you curl up together on the couch after an awful day, does putting your head on his shoulder bring you peace?
Long term relationships will have many ups and down... These will be many times over the course of your lives that you will be moving out of sync with each other and each time you have have to commit to finding your way back together. Do you want to spend the next 60 years navigating those seas with him?
posted by LittleMy at 9:44 AM on April 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
Ask yourself... is he your best friend? Is he the first person you want to call when something good or something terrible happens to you? When you curl up together on the couch after an awful day, does putting your head on his shoulder bring you peace?
Long term relationships will have many ups and down... These will be many times over the course of your lives that you will be moving out of sync with each other and each time you have have to commit to finding your way back together. Do you want to spend the next 60 years navigating those seas with him?
posted by LittleMy at 9:44 AM on April 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
I don't see anything in here about how he feels about it. I'd check that first.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:18 AM on April 4, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 10:18 AM on April 4, 2012 [3 favorites]
I really don't want this to sound in any way condescending, but it seems like you began dating in maybe your teens and it's the first real relationship you've had.
If that's the case, then I think you're best served to forget about your ex, get out there, date other people (or don't date for a while), and completely forget about getting back together with this one person. Maybe someday you'll get back with him, but if I'm reading you right and this is your first adult relationship that began when you were a teenager, you need to explore many more people and whole lot more life before you decide that this guy is the one.
posted by kinetic at 10:18 AM on April 4, 2012
If that's the case, then I think you're best served to forget about your ex, get out there, date other people (or don't date for a while), and completely forget about getting back together with this one person. Maybe someday you'll get back with him, but if I'm reading you right and this is your first adult relationship that began when you were a teenager, you need to explore many more people and whole lot more life before you decide that this guy is the one.
posted by kinetic at 10:18 AM on April 4, 2012
This is not complicated. Almost every relationship will face issues of life pacing, boredom, career anxiety, depression. Relationships can be long. They aren't problem free.
What you need to do is give it at least six months apart - and really apart (no sleeping together, etc.). Reflect, focus on yourself, etc. Do you both still feel like you want to give it another shot after that? Then do it. I know lots of long-married and happy couples that have gone through this, and been a better couple for it after.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:35 AM on April 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
What you need to do is give it at least six months apart - and really apart (no sleeping together, etc.). Reflect, focus on yourself, etc. Do you both still feel like you want to give it another shot after that? Then do it. I know lots of long-married and happy couples that have gone through this, and been a better couple for it after.
posted by Lutoslawski at 10:35 AM on April 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
Your relationship is salvageable if you both believe it is and are willing to do the work to salvage it.
That's really it. The rest is details.
It sounds like, at the very least, you feel like he might be worth a shot. I do think the advice to give it more time and then see how you feel is good advice.
So I offer two thoughts:
One, that the only way to know if it would be a good idea to give this another shot is to give this another shot. That's a jump you'd have to take, and it sounds like you want certainty beforehand that your landing will be a good one. No one in this world can tell you that. Either you find out - for better or worse - or you don't.
And two, that you should maybe reconsider these ideas about whether or not your feelings are enough to make this work. No one person's feelings will be. It's a team effort, making a relationship work. If I were you I'd take a little time to myself, see how you feel when you're not in such a mourning place, and then ask him what he thinks.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:02 AM on April 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
That's really it. The rest is details.
It sounds like, at the very least, you feel like he might be worth a shot. I do think the advice to give it more time and then see how you feel is good advice.
So I offer two thoughts:
One, that the only way to know if it would be a good idea to give this another shot is to give this another shot. That's a jump you'd have to take, and it sounds like you want certainty beforehand that your landing will be a good one. No one in this world can tell you that. Either you find out - for better or worse - or you don't.
And two, that you should maybe reconsider these ideas about whether or not your feelings are enough to make this work. No one person's feelings will be. It's a team effort, making a relationship work. If I were you I'd take a little time to myself, see how you feel when you're not in such a mourning place, and then ask him what he thinks.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:02 AM on April 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
With college relationships in particular, it's important to make sure you aren't confusing nostalgia for college with wanting to be back in the relationship. I have no idea if that's what you're doing here or not. But it is something I've done. I thought for a long time that I wanted to get back together with my college girlfriend. After a lot of thinking, I realized that what I really wanted was to be back in college, or at least for my life to be as easy as it was in college. Like I said, maybe this applies to you, maybe it doesn't. I suggest checking in with yourself to be sure.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:15 PM on April 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:15 PM on April 4, 2012 [1 favorite]
Love isn't always enough. It wasn't for me. (Dated a dude for 4 years, he left, after a while of silence we became friends again and then FWB... and then went back to being friends. And that's a-ok by me; I've now found a new dude who fits me so much better in so many ways.)
Of course your mileage may vary, as it has for many people above. Best way to up those chances is to wait a while. Give yourself time to know whether you really want back with this person, or if you're looking for something else. Maybe even try something else. Allow the other person the chance to try something (or someone) else too.
posted by nat at 12:31 PM on April 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
Of course your mileage may vary, as it has for many people above. Best way to up those chances is to wait a while. Give yourself time to know whether you really want back with this person, or if you're looking for something else. Maybe even try something else. Allow the other person the chance to try something (or someone) else too.
posted by nat at 12:31 PM on April 4, 2012 [2 favorites]
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Will the two of you be starting career/grad school in the same location?
posted by aniola at 9:16 AM on April 4, 2012