For them, this night will be *very* different
April 3, 2012 9:02 AM   Subscribe

I'm hosting a seder that will include as many gentiles as Jews and this will be the non-Jews' first experience at a Passover dinner. Tips for making the experience enjoyable and non-awkward are sought. Experiences from the vantage of host or attendee are also appreciated.

A few other potentially relevant details:

Attendee breakdown: Five Jews (all related), four Episcopalians of various levels of devoutness, and one Christian of unknown denomination. The Jews are myself, my cousins, and my parents. The Episcopalians are my girlfriend and her family, and the last of our party is a roommate of mine with relatively little exposure to Judaism. This will be the first time my girlfriend's parents are meeting my parents, so I want to impress.

I've done Passover with non-Jews before but they were Unitarians and I wasn't the host. It occurs to me that Passover liturgy, in some ways, is not very friendly to non-Jews. I was raised to understand the holiday as a cultural ceremony and the history as symbolic, but I fear that all the talk about thanking God for delivering "our people" from Egypt (and smiting our enemies) could be alienating to people who don't see themselves as part of the "us."

I welcome any advice or experience you'd like to share. I also have a specific question: How should I handle the readings from the haggadah? Should I call on the non-Jews to read? Usually I would, as I think that helps make everyone feel included, but at the same time I don't want to call on anyone to read anything that makes them uncomfortable. I will of course ask my guests what they feel comfortable with, but they aren't familiar with what they might be volunteering to read. Thoughts?
posted by reren to Human Relations (17 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
I am an Episcopalian married to a man who was raised Jewish, so I feel like this is right in my wheelhouse as a question.

Something to think about that if your girlfriend and her family are at all observant, they're familiar with the Torah portions on which the haggadah is based, as what we call the Old Testament is read throughout the year in the Christian service. So they have their own relationship with the texts about smiting the enemies of the Jews and visiting plagues on Pharaoh already.

I love reading from the haggadah at seders myself. Also singing "Dayenu."
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:07 AM on April 3, 2012


I'm Jewish but grew up non-religous and went to my first seders in my mid-twenties. I felt awkward although a lot of this was about feeling embarrassed for being a Jew who doesn't know anything about Judaism.

Anyway, I think seders are generally pretty friendly to outsiders compared to other religious rituals, because there is actually an instruction manual that everyone, even the most experienced participants, are reading along with. The other friendly thing about passover is, this is an important story to Christians too - most will have at least basic familiarity with Moses etc. Finally, as an analogy, this story has resonance for a lot of people, for example this is an important story in African American culture and has pretty obvious correlations not just to the African American slavery experience but to many contemporary oppressive circumstances. In other words, this is a story most people can connect with, and it is presented in an accessible, participatory way.

If I were you I would briefly explain the way the ritual works at the beginning. I would say something like, "At passover we read the hagaddah, which is the story of the Jewish liberation from slavery in Egypt. We pass it around and everyone reads a paragraph, and I'll tell you if we're going to skip a section. If you feel uncomfortable reading out loud feel free to just pass to the next person."

Have fun!
posted by latkes at 9:10 AM on April 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


I wouldn't worry too much. I am a non-Jew who has attended many seders, and I love them. I love attending for both all kinds of reasons both superficial and "deep." I think the theme of liberation speaks to a lot of people, and, as has been mentioned above, this is from part of the Torah that is familiar to Christians, as well as culturally to many non-religious folks. It's a meaningful religious ritual, but it's also a relaxed social time--no one is "performing."

In addition, there are the four glasses of wine! Hillel sandwiches! At the seder I usually attend, there are children praying in Hebrew, which I find impressive and adorable. And we get to sing "Dayenu." And the food is always excellent.

My friends always have the reading circle the table, with each person reading for as long as they feel comfortable, or passing if they prefer. The only exception is that they often ask at the beginning if anyone has a favorite part they'd especially like to read. It feels relaxed, and some people do prefer to pass.
posted by not that girl at 9:18 AM on April 3, 2012


I was raised Catholic but have many Jewish friends (so I've participated as a guest at many a seder in the past). I never felt uncomfortable with any parts of the seder or the somewhat "us versus the others" language in the haggadah.

An interesting point to mention to Christians is that Jesus' Last Supper (which Christians recognize as happening on the Thursday before Easter - i.e. April 5, 2012) was likely a Passover Seder (alhough this is up for some debate). This alignment might add particular meaning to their celebration with you and encourage thought over the natural ties between both faiths.
posted by elkerette at 9:24 AM on April 3, 2012


If you're open to it, consider an alternative haggadah! Once upon a time I found this fantastic one online that covers all the traditional basis but entirely in English and with a text that's both meaningful and accessible to everybody - I've used it at multiple mixed seders over the years, and people enjoy it year after year. It's a good length as well. I found it years ago and I'm going to see if I can track it down again online...
posted by Salamandrous at 9:41 AM on April 3, 2012


I'm attending my very first seders this year. I was not, however, raised with any religion. Here are some things that I'm worried about:
  • Wine. I'm not a big drinker. Please do not make a big deal of anyone not wanting wine. Please have grape juice on hand and don't comment when someone takes it.
  • Prayers in Hebrew. I don't speak it. Please translate for me. Or give me something I can read a few days before that will help me keep up.
  • Horseradish. I'm not so much a fan of the spicy food. Please let me decide how much I'll take. Don't just glob it onto the matzo for me. (Like I said, I've never been to one of these before, so my worry is probably naive in the extreme.)
  • I'm meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time this weekend. If this is also the case for your girlfriend....uh, have her call me? We can kvetch about what to wear?
  • My boyfriend and I watched the Ten Commandments together a few weeks ago, and that was kind of a fun getting ready activity. We've also been reading some books on the basics of Judaism because, growing up without God, I have always been curious about just what God is. Is there anything similar that the non-Jews in your crowd would be up for?
  • I know there's something about breaking and hiding the afikomen, and something about asking four questions. Please explain these things before they happen? Or maybe just before the whole thing?
I'll let you know if I think of anything else to worry about. I'm a championship worrier, so this will probably happen.
posted by bilabial at 9:47 AM on April 3, 2012


Found it!

A Passover Haggadah, Compiled and Adapted, 1985-2000, by Robert Parnes

I couldn't recommend it more strongly. It's made things very easy. You can print as many as you need. The paragraphs are marked for 'leader' and 'participant' but I usually just have people go around the table in turnsi.
posted by Salamandrous at 9:48 AM on April 3, 2012 [2 favorites]


When I attended my first seder, hosted by my boss, I was the only non-Jew. Raised an atheist, I had no idea what to expect. Dinner at the boss' house would be fraught anyway (I was in my early 20s) and I was very nervous about what to bring (wine? flowers? huh?). Then, to top it off, I learned I would be asking the four questions. Awkward!

Therefore, a) if one of the n00bs is the youngest, give him/her some advance clues and b) help people make a good decision about what to bring so they can make a contribution that isn't somehow inappropriate.
posted by carmicha at 10:08 AM on April 3, 2012


I'm a very non-religious Jew and went to my first seder in my 20s. It was at my friend's parents' house, and they were deeply religious. They forced me to read and then do the four questions even though there were several people younger than I was, and I was mortified because I was so embarrassed that I misspoke several times and was bitchily corrected by both parents. I'd asked several times to be left out of the readings but was told I was "ruining the good mood." PLEASE do not force anyone to read. Please. I'm shy about things like that and now I only have bad memories of the one seder I attended.
posted by pineappleheart at 12:30 PM on April 3, 2012


A few years ago I found a guy's lost wallet and returned it to him, and he invited me to his seder out of gratitude. I had never been to one. I was raised Christian in a small Southern town with very little exposure to Judaism.

I really enjoyed it and had a wonderful time. Like the above posters said, there are a lot of things for non-Jews to relate to in the Exodus story. Every seat at the table had the haggadah and we took turns going around the table and reading. I think it was (mostly) in English and the atmosphere was laid back enough that no one felt pressured. The host introduced me to the other guests and gave me a brief heads up about what would happen. I enjoyed participating in the reading and was glad they included me.

The only weirdness for me was not knowing what to bring. I looked up some stuff about the Passover dietary restrictions online and was completely unsure of what to bring so I didn't bring a dish to share and felt kind of bad about showing up empty handed.
posted by bbq_ribs at 1:08 PM on April 3, 2012


I think the stories that people are telling here make it clear that this is more a question of attitude and atmosphere than anything else. Given that you say you were raised to consider the holiday as cultural and symbolic, rather than religious, I think you probably won't have a hard time creating an atmosphere of "we're just doing this stuff, join in if you want, no big deal if you don't." Other than that, I'd say: don't make a non-jew ask the four questions, pick a haggadah that includes transliterations of the hebrew, and don't force gefilte fish on anyone who doesn't want it.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:16 PM on April 3, 2012


We can kvetch about what to wear
No need to complain about what to wear--better you should kvell about what a great bf you have.
I think it depends on how solemn you want the event to be--I've been to more seders that seem like Friar's Club roasts than any other kind.
posted by Ideefixe at 1:37 PM on April 3, 2012


I am also having about 40% non-Jews at my seder this year. My tradition is to have a relatively informal and definitely inclusive event. Thus, I personally find it best to WRITE MY OWN HAGGADAH!! It's only a few pages, not so long and drawn-out as to be overbearing to anyone, but still holds the key elements. The brachot (blessings) are kept to a minimum (and only recited by my son and myself) and the readings for guests are informal, yet definitely retell the Exodus story, which basically is the real requirement of a seder. I also picked up a set of those silly, nifty 10 plagues finger puppets, which will keep the mood jovial. As will the singing of Dayenu.

Salamandrous' link is great, I may borrow parts of it for my mini-haggadah this year.

Chag Sameyach! (Happy holiday!)
posted by RRgal at 7:42 PM on April 3, 2012


Based on my own personal experience, attending my first Passover Seder with a Jewish companion, may I recommend that fiercely hostile, politically-oriented grandstanding not be part of the menu? I was made quite uncomfortable (as I didn't know enough about goings-on to know how to respond), and my Jewish companion was quite taken aback as well.
posted by davejay at 8:21 PM on April 3, 2012


Another resource for your guests: a nice step-by-step that demystifies the whole process. (Depending on your degree of observance, you may want to give your guests a heads-up about chametz and what's okay to bring.)

(I've been to all of one Pesach seder, as a kid, and it was super-memorable, almost completely in a positive way. I do suggest that for your guests' comfort, you omit the browbeating of the children regarding their language acquisition skills and crummy overpriced Hebrew lessons.)
posted by gingerest at 9:59 PM on April 3, 2012


Careful with who gets what finger puppet, or you might end up with the wife's Catholic grandma squinting and saying, "Waitamminit, why am I BOILS? Are you trying to say something?" (good humor snark here)

Bilabial, if not drinking wine is important, ask your boyfriend to check ahead of time on that.

Pretty much everything is explained (the whole point of the haggadah) unless you're going to an Orthodox Jewish Seder where way more would be in Hebrew.

Ask your boyfriend to show you the Haggadah you're going to use (I'm assuming it's at his parents/relatives house) ahead of time and walk you through if you think that'd reduce your anxiety!

I've hosted and attended Seders, and just remember that each family does it a little different, but once you've got the basics, you're set.
posted by canine epigram at 4:31 AM on April 4, 2012


So. I'm back from the trip and it was fun!

For next time, practicing the songs ahead of time would be kind of nice. It sucks to be surrounded by a sing along and not have any way of, you know, singing along. It would have been nice to at least know the last two or three (or first, I guess) parts of Hagad Yaw.

As for the Haggadah, we thought I was looking through the one we'd use, but it turns out the family has switched from the old Maxwell House version to something newer (but also free, and advertisey - the funny part was that at the end of the last page it said something like, "keep reading more passover stuff! Some people sing Song of Songs now!" And everyone laughed because it was late)

We did a Shabbos candle lighting on Friday night, which was beautiful.

The big tip I was really glad to get was - don't lick the plague wine off your finger!!!! (Apparently, that's very bad luck!)
posted by bilabial at 8:16 AM on April 9, 2012


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