Is he just not that into me?
April 3, 2012 7:39 AM   Subscribe

It was probably a one night stand. So, to text or not to text?

Last week I hooked up with someone from out of town, after two days of them actively wooing me.

The night was intense, with this person talking a lot about us getting together again. When I left they said we'd talk in a couple of days. The following day, they sent me a couple of funny/sexy emails and we swapped a few texts, their last one ending with, "I'll talk to you soon." I sent them a very short email the next day asking if they had made it home safely and thanking them for a good time.

And I have heard nothing since then.

There is very little chance of a relationship, but this person travels to my area fairly often so reconnecting would be another one or two night hookup.

I realize that I might just be getting a phone call when they're back in town again, but would like to at least know that.

For my own piece of mind I would like to send them one more text message (perhaps there was an electronic glitch). I'm having a very hard time reconciling their behavior when we were together with their behavior now that we're apart (though recognize that this happens all the time).

I would really like to know if they have any expectation of us getting together again. So what do I say to accomplish this? Is there a way of asking what's going on without coming across as desperate? And how do I keep it to a sentence or two?

Thank you for your help.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
I mean, I get why this is done, but this is one of those scenarios where genders involved could be a huge clue
posted by MangyCarface at 7:45 AM on April 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

It's not clear how long it's been since your txt to them, but even without the possibility of a technical glitch, if they wanted to talk to you when they got home, they presumably already know your number. Just let it go, and their silence (or not) will answer your questions eventually.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:48 AM on April 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you're open for another similar hookup, you could say something like, "When's your next visit to (this town)? I want to see you again ;)". If you're not looking for that sort of thing, I'd just let it slide.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:49 AM on April 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

Jeez, I expected to hear that you had not been in contact at all. Maybe your last email didn't seem to require a response, and the conversation just faded out. Hardly abnormal for an email conversation, and it just means you have to start a new one, that's all. Next time you have something conversational to say ('how bout that game of thrones') you can simply close it with 'anyway, hope I'll see you next time you're in town?'
posted by PercussivePaul at 7:50 AM on April 3, 2012

I agree with Jacqui. I think you've used up your last contact without crossing over into desperate/weird. You told them you had a good time, now let it go. "Technical glitches" happen much more in our imaginations than in reality.

If you don't know when they're coming back, maybe wait a month or so and then email/text when you're in a place that you two went to and say something light like "Back in XYZ bar and thought of "blah blah". Let me know if you're ever back in town!" After that, it's done and they are not that into you. Good luck!
posted by parkerjackson at 7:53 AM on April 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

Mod note: This is a followup from the asker.
I am female and the other person is male. We are both in our 40s.
posted by cortex (staff) at 7:55 AM on April 3, 2012

If it's going to be a casual thing, you'll have to live with a degree of uncertainty. No friend-with-benefits is likely to reassure you that you'll hook up again soon. Neither of you should care enough to be worried about it.
posted by gentian at 7:55 AM on April 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

There wasn't a technical glitch.
posted by dancestoblue at 7:56 AM on April 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

I agree that a technical glitch is unlikely. If they're in their 40s, there's a higher chance of human error.

Still, if it's a casual hookup, Anon shouldn't care this much. It's a sign that there are deeper feelings involved. S/he should probably reassess what his/her needs are here.
posted by gentian at 8:02 AM on April 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

Could this person be married? That would explain the hot/cold behavior based on being in your city vs. at home.
posted by something something at 8:10 AM on April 3, 2012 [5 favorites]

Texts are so timid and wishy-washy. If you really care about it-- and want to put the nail in the coffin once and for all-- cut to the chase and give him a call in a few weeks. What do you have to lose? You don't really seem like you're psychologically suited to be the "out-of-town booty call", so if I were you I'd just let it go and quit thinking about it. Surely it's not worth the hand-wringing and heartache. Put your own needs first and don't settle for being cast in a role you don't really want.
posted by doreur at 8:23 AM on April 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I would really like to know if they have any expectation of us getting together again. So what do I say to accomplish this? Is there a way of asking what's going on without coming across as desperate? And how do I keep it to a sentence or two?

"Let me know the next time you're in town, if you'd like to get together."

But honestly, this guarantees nothing; that's the essence of casual sex, really. When this other person wants to see you, they'll get in touch with you. And this

I'm having a very hard time reconciling their behavior when we were together with their behavior now that we're apart (though recognize that this happens all the time)

suggests that you might not be okay with that. Are you?
posted by sm1tten at 8:24 AM on April 3, 2012 [2 favorites]

I agree that he might be married. He was able to text/pursue before, when he was in town, and to text the next day, then when he got home, he wasn't able to any longer. Did his trip schedule match up with his communication availability? If it does, then I would be suspicious. If not, and he was sending you sexy texts even from his home town, then you might be safer on that note.
posted by Vaike at 8:32 AM on April 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

He will get in touch with you when he wants to get in touch with you. It sounds like this was just sex to him and he's not interested in having it be more than sex. If so, you won't hear from him again until he wants more of that.

In other words: The fact that you're not sure what's going on or how to ask him what's going on should be all the answer you need about what's going on.

If you're okay with a periodic booty call - and there's no reason you should or shouldn't be, this is entirely a question of your own particulars - then, again, he'll call when he's available. If not, then either he won't, or he will and you shouldn't respond when he does. In either event, I don't think you should be waiting on him, or really troubling yourself with many thoughts of him at all.

It sounds like there's a disparity between what you'd like to happen and what he expects to happen, and in cases like that, I tend to advise walking away in the early going, to keep the mess to an absolute minimum.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:41 AM on April 3, 2012 [1 favorite]

Maybe not married, but just out of sight / out of mind.

Now that he's home, he has work or other obligations, and without the ability to see you in person, it's less of a priority for him to respond right away to you.
posted by User7 at 8:41 AM on April 3, 2012


Let it go. It was just a hookup and this is the way that they tend to go, unfortunately. You really can't place expectations on the other person which sucks.

Treat yourself well.
posted by floweredfish at 9:39 AM on April 3, 2012

It's very tough to imagine a friends with benefits situation being successful if you care this much about whether or not it will continue. Been there.

I'd assume you'll see him again and proceed that way, without asking about it. There's no indication you won't, so just think the best and see what happens. You've just got to let it play out, because it might get weird fast if you start trying to nail it down.

Let him text or email you now.

An out of town hookup is like vacation relationship - it's like when you're married and you're on vacation, you're different than when you're home and have to do the dishes and take out the trash. Different mindsets, different behavior.
posted by mrs. taters at 11:42 AM on April 3, 2012

Walk away. Stop. You're being too much, over thinking too much!

OP, you don't sound like this was casual for you. Stop putting on airs about that. You're not helping you by pretending.

Why do you need to know if he's going to booty call you the next time he's in town? So you can keep your schedule free??

Let's hope by the next time he's in town, you're happily dating someone who wants more than a booty call.

You're clearly looking for more than casual sex. Nothing wrong either way, but you aren't being honest with yourself about what you truly want, hence the emotional turmoil and the AskMe.
posted by jbenben at 1:10 PM on April 3, 2012 [3 favorites]

agree with jbenben: if this was casual, you wouldn't be posting this question. you'd hear from him when you hear from him (or not) and you wouldn't have thought twice about whether you would again.
posted by violetk at 1:32 PM on April 3, 2012

I agree with violetk and jbenben, it sounds like you really like this guy for something more than casual sex.

So, on that note, I say, "Go ahead and email/call him!" If he also is interested in something more with you, he will respond positively. If he is not interested, this will be a clear way of determining that, and you can let go of the uncertainty, grieve a little, and move on knowing with 100% certainty that it's the right thing to do.

Also - I am by no means a relationship expert, but here's some of the best advice I've encountered:

1. Understand and acknowledge, without judgment, what you really want and are really feeling. (So often we feel like we should feel one way or another that we completely fool ourselves about what we are actually feeling.)

2. Once you understand what you actually want, act on it without hesitation or doubt. If the other person is right for you, it will always work out. If it doesn't work out, you saved yourself a hell of a lot of time and heartache.

Best of luck to you, hon!
posted by artemisia at 8:34 AM on April 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you hope for a reply, end any communication with a question, preferably one that centers on their ego.

"I had a great time!" = no real need to reply.

"I had a great time. Will you be back in town soon?" = request for reply, but openly "needy".

"I had a great time. That thing you did with your tongue on my elbow... do you have a name for that?!" = vanity-stroking invite to talk more.
posted by IAmBroom at 12:12 PM on April 4, 2012 [3 favorites]

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