Let's Be Friends, Kinda?

March 28, 2012 8:18 AM

What are some healthy ways to think about, develop, and understand a healthy platonic love with someone of the other sex? Snowflake details below.

A little bit of background - I am a 28 year old female who broke up with my boyfriend of four years a few months back. I loved him, but I saw, and my family and friends saw, that I became completely preoccupied with his life and problems. As a creative, social, and curious individual I spent a good portion of our relationship not developing myself. In fact, since I was a teenager I have not gone more than a month at a time between breakups and new relationships. The reason I mention this is that I am trying to avoid dating for a while. I definitely feel lost, and it is hard, but I want to be single, I feel I at least owe myself the experience.

I've been told by very close female friends that I am very charming and independent and that's a magnet to men but very intimidating to most women. Lady friends I do make become life-long and very important to me, but as for men, it always seems to either fizzle out or end in weird drama. I hate to think that I'm a tease or that I'm meeting the wrong kinds of guys. I tend to play fast - I will instantly bond with certain persons and within days I'll know their life story and am completely fascinated, vice versa. Most people aren't mature enough to handle that, and maybe I'm not either. Typically, the other person ends up shying away because it's too intense or becomes almost overwhelmingly needy or possessive. I end up feeling selfish for wanting to regulate how close I get to someone, but as described above, I am trying to avoid the codependence trap. So I've been through bouts of intense instant friends, then intense loneliness. I do not associate romance with these sort of relationships, but I feel like, at least for men, this was the assumed 'intention'.

Enough about my circumstance but I hope it gives context to these questions -
What are some ways to tell someone you want to get to know them, that you like them, but that you're not interested in anything romantic? Even if they are single, married, gay, or otherwise.
Are there healthy examples of straight single opposite-sex friends who have a functioning loving friendship with each other and what kind of dynamics are in that friendship?
Is my view - that you can be physically and mentally attracted to someone without expecting a romantic means to an end - too much to ask for?
Where do you draw the line in being a social person and avoiding the void in yourself?

Please avoid delving into my circumstances, although I welcome any point I am clearly missing. I want to hear how other people deal with these issues because I feel I am going about this the wrong way.
Thank you.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (15 answers total)

What are some ways to tell someone you want to get to know them, that you like them, but that you're not interested in anything romantic?

Invite them to group events. Honestly, inviting a new person in your life to hang out one-on-one when you're single and between the ages of 20 and 40 (or even higher) comes off like a date. If you get to know each other in group situations, you may eventually develop a comfortable friendship that allows for clearly platonic one-on-one plans.

Are there healthy examples of straight single opposite-sex friends who have a functioning loving friendship with each other and what kind of dynamics are in that friendship?

In my experience, these friendships are (a) heavily based on group activities, (b) ongoing since high-school or before, to the extent that the people involved probably tried dating when they were 16 and it didn't work out, so it's out of their systems, and/or (c) everyone in the situation is already married and the spouses are friends too.
The intimate friendships with 2 single people who are each of the other's preferred gender always seem to eventually devolve into a friends-with-benefits situation, with somebody getting hurt. Maybe that's just my experience watching my own and other people's relationships, but it seems to happen a lot.

Is my view - that you can be physically and mentally attracted to someone without expecting a romantic means to an end - too much to ask for?

Not necessarily, but it's really rare. A lot of people who are young and single are looking to find a romantic partner, and having a super-close platonic friend of your preferred gender can impede that process. It scares off potential romantic partners, and it offers just enough comfort that you can lose your motivation to find somebody who meets your emotional, intellectual, AND physical needs. So, it's not impossible, but it's difficult.

I tend to play fast - I will instantly bond with certain persons and within days I'll know their life story and am completely fascinated, vice versa. Most people aren't mature enough to handle that

I wonder why you think this is mature behavior, or something that a mature person could handle. Obviously I don't know the details, but to me this sounds kind of immature. It sounds like something that would make a mature person feel wary of you.
posted by vytae at 8:37 AM on March 28, 2012 [7 favorites]

What are some ways to tell someone you want to get to know them, that you like them, but that you're not interested in anything romantic? Even if they are single, married, gay, or otherwise.

If it looks like they want to pursue something romantic: "Hey - I'm flattered, and I like you a lot as a friend and want to keep getting to know you that way, but I'm intentionally not dating anyone right now. Thanks."

If they don't want to pursue anything romantic with you in the first place -- you have no problem to worry about. (That is, unless YOU are starting to feel romantic feelings for THEM, but that's different.)

Are there healthy examples of straight single opposite-sex friends who have a functioning loving friendship with each other and what kind of dynamics are in that friendship?

Two of my exes are close friends, and they are very much exes. One of them feels so much like a sibling that thinking about the fact that we made out and had sex and stuff once actually feels a little creepy. I don't know what sort of man-woman dynamic we have, because we're both just...people who are friends. He's not "my guy friend," he's C. C has a lot of aspects to his personality that have a unique dynamic with me, and by this point it's hard to say whether our genders have anything to do with that.

I mention this because i"m getting the sense that right now you're focusing a little too much on "they are boys and they have boy parts because they are boys", and maybe focusing on non-gender aspects of their personality will help.

Is my view - that you can be physically and mentally attracted to someone without expecting a romantic means to an end - too much to ask for?

Not at all.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 8:38 AM on March 28, 2012

I tend to play fast - I will instantly bond with certain persons and within days I'll know their life story and am completely fascinated, vice versa. Most people aren't mature enough to handle that, and maybe I'm not either.

This kind of immediate intensity isn't actually a sign of maturity, so it's probably not helpful to frame it that way in your mind. It CAN be a perfectly fine way to start a romantic relationship, but it's probably not serving you very well if you're trying to form platonic, healthy relationships with people who you'd be interested in dating under different circumstances/could be interested in dating you.

Vacillating between "intense instant friends, then intense loneliness" would be unpleasant for many people, and working on that will probably help with a lot of the problems and frustrations you're describing in your question. If you can work on taking that initial stage a little more slowly -- holding back a little, maintaining your own boundaries and being wary of people who don't seem to have healthy boundaries of their own -- you might start to feel those peaks and valleys evening out. Giving friendships room to breathe allows both of you the time and distance to steer the relationship in the direction you want it to go, and to keep it from getting intense or awkward or drama-filled in ways that could make the friendship self-destruct.
posted by Narrative Priorities at 8:42 AM on March 28, 2012 [5 favorites]

What are some ways to tell someone you want to get to know them, that you like them, but that you're not interested in anything romantic?

Straight up. "I like you a lot, but am not considering you as a partner." If that disagrees with their plan, they can move along.

Are there healthy examples of straight single opposite-sex friends who have a functioning loving friendship with each other and what kind of dynamics are in that friendship?

Good examples above: the HS-buddies circle. And exes. And cases where one or both knows they lack the emotional energy, time, skills or interest in taking things further. A truce between people who like each other and might jump each other's bones in other circumstances can be a lovely thing.

Is my view - that you can be physically and mentally attracted to someone without expecting a romantic means to an end - too much to ask for?

No. You have a right to ask for whatever you're interested in, relationship-wise. Whether the other person is at the same place depends entirely on who they are. Takes two.

Where do you draw the line in being a social person and avoiding the void in yourself?

Where you find yourself unable to be healthy and happy in periodic times of loneliness.
posted by ead at 8:48 AM on March 28, 2012

In fact, since I was a teenager I have not gone more than a month at a time between breakups and new relationships ... I tend to play fast - I will instantly bond with certain persons and within days I'll know their life story and am completely fascinated, vice versa. Most people aren't mature enough to handle that, and maybe I'm not either.

Both these things are related. You spend a lot of time enmeshing yourself in "relationships" (either of the platonic or romantic type) and less time on self-development. Spend some time developing yourself, your interests, and your personality rather than "relationships", and then you'll have more to base platonic friendships on.
posted by deanc at 8:56 AM on March 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I'm not sure how mature this is, but I do two things: talk about other guys and limit physical contact (hugging, etc). I do it from the beginning - because I don't want to have a conversation about feelings with someone I'm not interested in; I have never had a friendship outlast that. But some pretty sound boundary setting through the "does she like me??" phase has worked out pretty well. Some girls like the attention they get from guys who think they might have a chance; I do not. (I also think it's shitty and mean.) I also dress as casually as possible - nothing says friendship like jeans and Adidas.

Most of this can fade away after a couple weeks once the hinky part is over. And it's probably the only passive-aggressive thing I actually do. But, to me, the alternative is worse and has always ended badly. (FWIW, this is the diet version of what I employ sometimes.)
posted by crankyrogalsky at 9:06 AM on March 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

This: "I am very (charming and) independent" followed by your description of you in relationships: "since I was a teenager I have not gone more than a month at a time between breakups and new relationships"; " I will instantly bond with certain persons and within days I'll know their life story and am completely fascinated, vice versa" are not both true. You are not very independent. And that's fine, you don't necessarily have to be, but, as you say, you have never learned how to be independent, to handle your emotions by yourself. That falling fast and hard thing is a sign of not trusting your own emotions enough -- don't think of it as a sign of maturity, it's sort of the opposite -- which, again, is fine, you're young and you have time to learn. But I think it's good you're not dating for a while.

I have several very close male friends for whom there is not and was never anything romantic or sexual between us. Some of them I met while we were both in relationships, or while one of us was, so it couldn't start that way, some I met while we were both single, though, and we just went the friend way instead of the not friend way. I can't think of anything I did differently with them than I did with my female friends when we started becoming friends -- I didn't flirt the way I might when I'm talking to someone I want something romantic with. But yes, it is absolutely, 100% possible to have close, mature, loving relationships with friends of the opposite sex with no romance or sex, past or present or future.
posted by brainmouse at 9:15 AM on March 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

I end up feeling selfish for wanting to regulate how close I get to someone, but as described above, I am trying to avoid the codependence trap.

This is not selfish as such. It is possible, though, that there is some overlap between how close you want to get and how close they perceive as being too intense for mere friendship.

To employ a physical analogy: you might be standing so close to someone that you can feel their body heat, and you might have good reasons for doing so, and you might feel like doing so should not imply anything more significant than that you are cold and they are shielding you from the cold. That's not wrong or bad or teasing or using somebody in and of itself necessarily. But from their perspective, it might have significance. It might constitute flirting or signaling some intention. And they aren't wrong either: you just have different and incompatible interpretations. At some point, it becomes ethical to take the interpretations of others into account, but I'm not sure there's a bright line as to when or how or how much weight to give them.

Is my view - that you can be physically and mentally attracted to someone without expecting a romantic means to an end - too much to ask for?

Kind of. I am reading your greater question -- based on the whole post -- to be this: can yoube physically and mentally attracted to someone and move rather quickly into a high degree of emotionally intimacy and be friends on an ongoing basis with them, all without the expectation of romance? This is a tall order, especially of single men in their twenties and early thirties. It's possible, but it's a lot to ask for. Why? Because what you're describing, plus mutual availability, is pretty much what romantic relationships look like in their early stages.
posted by gauche at 9:15 AM on March 28, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is my view - that you can be physically and mentally attracted to someone without expecting a romantic means to an end - too much to ask for?

It kind of is, because many people who are single are looking for a romantic relationship, and if they're physically and mentally attracted to someone, they're going to desire a romantic connection with that person, especially if they feel an initial "spark" of attraction, unless there are some other barriers to that (religious, personal, practical, etc.). But that's the problem when you don't have anything to base a relationship on other than physical and mental attraction. Develop other parts of yourself that can serve as the basis of personal connections with others, and the rest will follow.
posted by deanc at 9:25 AM on March 28, 2012

Just dropped in to say that some of my best platonic relationships started with a crush, sometimes a SUPER intense one too!

I think I'm kind of like you in that when I meet someone I connect with I dive in pretty quickly - I enjoy that and I get a buzz from finding a new person I can share whatever with. Quite often though, the combination of attention from a new source and the thrill of the as-yet-unknown-but-newly-accessible creates the ideal conditions for a crush to develop.

Anyway I've got some great platonic friends who were once huge crushes, mostly whom I never stepped over the line with. I think one way to improve the chances of developing healthy platonic relationships is recognising the crush stage as part of the process and not getting carried away - once things mellow out, that's when the lasting friendship really blossoms!
posted by greenish at 9:29 AM on March 28, 2012 [3 favorites]

I feel like I would start by framing things so that you tell yourself you're looking for friendship, not platonic love. Though you can certainly love your friends, that's a bit much to expect upon meeting people.
posted by mlle valentine at 9:44 AM on March 28, 2012

Here's the crux I've found being in a similar situation -
I think when being in a relationship with someone, it is much easier to make friends with people of the opposite sex without confusing intentions. It's safe for you and your male friends, they know you're taken and the flirting is harmless.
When you're single, it's natural to assume that the sudden, quick, intimate connection with someone else is beyond friend territory.
I feel you on playing it fast. The best friends I've met were through crazy intimate first encounters that eventually mellowed. Maybe don't discount people who you don't immediately click with, but instead force yourself to try occasional interactions with them? Let it grow slowly.
I wish our society was different, but being recently single, observe the way people react as you test the waters. You may hurt some feelings or even your own to learn these lessons. That's real social maturity instead of knowing what's "right" or "wrong"
posted by hillabeans at 10:14 AM on March 28, 2012

I am not clear what you are looking for here - a fwb situation, or true platonic friendship? My friendships with men have evolved very naturally and low-drama - we got to know each other through work, or were at one point involved but transitioned to friends, or something like that. True friendships take a while to take root. Friendships with the opposite sex that go from zero to 60 with fireworks ....well, those are not really friendships; they are crushes.
posted by yarly at 2:55 PM on March 28, 2012

I have a very close friend who jokingly calls us "platonic soulmates". Our friends even refer to us as "asexual life partners".

What makes this possible is a few things:
- She's not my "female friend", I don't see her as some kind of abnormality in my life or tokenize her due to her gender being different from mine. She's Amy, a woman that I love to spend time with and will wake up at 3 AM to talk her down if she's having a bad night.
- We have no sexual tension. Neither one of us is harbouring a romantic crush on the other. I'm serious here. However, we are both mature enough to realize that if something were to arise, the solution is to communicate openly about it. We also have similar morals with regards to sex so we can talk about relationships openly without fear of jealousy from the other.
- We share a hell of a lot of interests. She's looking at grad school in molecular biochemistry, I'm finishing up my degree in neuroscience. We both considered medical school for a time and understand the commitment it requires. We have a similar sense of humour.
- We do not expect certain behaviour from each other. When she calls me at 3 AM, I am under no obligation to respond. If I respond, she is under no obligation to make it up to me. If I invite her out, she's not going to guilt herself into showing up if she doesn't want to. We're not tied to some weird social contract.

It sounds like you're looking for a script to follow in order to achieve this concept you have of a platonic male friend. It's kind of a backwards approach and you're not likely to have much success if you go around testing every guy as if you're asking "do you fit into this box I have prepackaged?". This kind of thing needs to grow outward from a friendship, not be forced onto a friendship. I'm also confused as to why physical attraction is one of your stipulations.

I'm not sure if it's as easy in mainstream heterosexual contexts, but it's certainly doable.
posted by buteo at 3:51 PM on March 28, 2012 [2 favorites]

Personally, I am female and I have only one male friend that I would consider to be a close friend (although I also only have one or two close female friends, so maybe that's just how I am), and he is a very-ex boyfriend that I have known since highschool.
I am just now learning to build and nurture friendships- I too tend to get too involved at first and then peter out. I think the key is letting it develop slowly and just spending enough time together that you're comfortable with each other. I think that this is something that can take years.
posted by windykites at 8:02 AM on March 30, 2012