Cab Ride Confessions
March 23, 2012 8:25 PM Subscribe
Cab ride confessions. Help me learn how to proceed with this situation.
Yesterday, I was picked up from this very nice cab driver. We talked for such a long period of time (even past the point of reaching my destination). We talked mostly about religion and family. He's religious (muslim) and I am not religious at all. However, he immigrated to Canada from the same country that my parents did.
We probably talked for an hour or so because his car battery died. He seems to be a great person. He gave his phone number to me and said that if I need anything like a drive to wherever or money then he can help me out. I politely thanked him but said that wasn't necessary.
Yet, we still exchanged phone numbers. I gave him mine because he said that he would have liked to have talked for a longer period of time. I felt the same way. We have the same cultural roots and had an interesting conversation despite our differences.
But, the point with all of this, is that despite how great of a person he appears to be and how nice he appears to be...I regret giving my phone number out. I don't like giving my phone number to a lot of people and yet I gave him my phone number yesterday.
He called me last night to make sure that everything was okay between us. For some reason, he kept apologizing for grabbing my hand. I didn't think of anything sexual when he grabbed my hand though. It just felt like a friendly gesture kind of like when you hug someone.
I told him not to worry about that because honestly, it didn't seem or feel that way.
I can understand where he's coming from in certain aspects like the comment "you need to lose weight" because certain communication practices are different between collectivist societies and individualist societies. He asked if I was offended by this, but I said no (I wasn't that offended).
He tried giving me other life advice but I didn't like this advice that much. When he called last night, I told him that if there's one thing that I don't like it's when people tell me what to do. I really dislike advice when a) I don't have a great relationship between someone and b) when the advice wasn't asked for such as when someone says "you need to do this..."
Yet, he still wants to chat next week. I want to know how to politely decline this without coming across as a mean girl.
I live in a relatively small city so there is a possibility that I will run into him again in the future. I want things to be pleasant between us, but I'm not looking for a friend in him or for unsolicited advice. For some strange reason, a part of me isn't comfortable with crossing the line further to the point where we are friends or have regular conversations...
So, how should I proceed?
Yesterday, I was picked up from this very nice cab driver. We talked for such a long period of time (even past the point of reaching my destination). We talked mostly about religion and family. He's religious (muslim) and I am not religious at all. However, he immigrated to Canada from the same country that my parents did.
We probably talked for an hour or so because his car battery died. He seems to be a great person. He gave his phone number to me and said that if I need anything like a drive to wherever or money then he can help me out. I politely thanked him but said that wasn't necessary.
Yet, we still exchanged phone numbers. I gave him mine because he said that he would have liked to have talked for a longer period of time. I felt the same way. We have the same cultural roots and had an interesting conversation despite our differences.
But, the point with all of this, is that despite how great of a person he appears to be and how nice he appears to be...I regret giving my phone number out. I don't like giving my phone number to a lot of people and yet I gave him my phone number yesterday.
He called me last night to make sure that everything was okay between us. For some reason, he kept apologizing for grabbing my hand. I didn't think of anything sexual when he grabbed my hand though. It just felt like a friendly gesture kind of like when you hug someone.
I told him not to worry about that because honestly, it didn't seem or feel that way.
I can understand where he's coming from in certain aspects like the comment "you need to lose weight" because certain communication practices are different between collectivist societies and individualist societies. He asked if I was offended by this, but I said no (I wasn't that offended).
He tried giving me other life advice but I didn't like this advice that much. When he called last night, I told him that if there's one thing that I don't like it's when people tell me what to do. I really dislike advice when a) I don't have a great relationship between someone and b) when the advice wasn't asked for such as when someone says "you need to do this..."
Yet, he still wants to chat next week. I want to know how to politely decline this without coming across as a mean girl.
I live in a relatively small city so there is a possibility that I will run into him again in the future. I want things to be pleasant between us, but I'm not looking for a friend in him or for unsolicited advice. For some strange reason, a part of me isn't comfortable with crossing the line further to the point where we are friends or have regular conversations...
So, how should I proceed?
I like that advice. You don't have to take his calls anymore at all, but if you feel like you need to say something to him, you could say, "I really appreciated our conversation the other night, but I don't feel comfortable pursuing this relationship. I hope you understand and wish you all the best in your life. Take care." And then hang up. And then don't take his calls anymore.
posted by elizeh at 8:32 PM on March 23, 2012
posted by elizeh at 8:32 PM on March 23, 2012
Please don't make a habit of this. Send a text telling him that you're not interested in any friednship/relationship and block his number.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:12 PM on March 23, 2012
posted by Ideefixe at 9:12 PM on March 23, 2012
Yeah, he sounds like a decent enough person that maybe some kindness is in order, but on the other hands you really really do not want him to think you're interested. I'd probably text back "it was nice to meet you. I don't think hanging out is a good idea, but I hope your stuff goes well for you." Then don't answer the calls/texts anymore.
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:28 PM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by fingersandtoes at 9:28 PM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
How would this be handled in your/his home country, because that is his touchstone, what he understands best.
posted by kanemano at 10:15 PM on March 23, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by kanemano at 10:15 PM on March 23, 2012 [10 favorites]
My instinct is to just not answer the phone. But, as much as I hate dishonesty, if you're worried about things being pleasant between you when you run into each other, I'd make up an excuse. "I'm busy and don't have time for new friends/phone conversations right now."
posted by J. Wilson at 10:55 PM on March 23, 2012
posted by J. Wilson at 10:55 PM on March 23, 2012
kanemano, my impression is that the home country here is Canada, as far as the OP is concerned.
posted by mwhybark at 11:04 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by mwhybark at 11:04 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Follow your instinct. It's obvious something's alerting you about him, so if I were you, I wouldn't proceed any further. He may be a nice guy, but it seems a bit weird to me that he would offer to help with money when you are just meeting each other. That's either him being too sincerely trusting, or him having a hidden agenda.
Just...don't.
posted by dubious_dude at 1:45 AM on March 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
Just...don't.
posted by dubious_dude at 1:45 AM on March 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
How would this be handled in your/his home country, because that is his touchstone, what he understands best.
Seconding this. (This is probably also why he kept apologizing for taking your hand -- if he's an especially observant Muslim, he's not supposed to touch a woman he's not married to.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:48 AM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Seconding this. (This is probably also why he kept apologizing for taking your hand -- if he's an especially observant Muslim, he's not supposed to touch a woman he's not married to.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:48 AM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
I disagree with the advice to just not answer your phone. It's cowardly and inconsiderate. If he is a decent person like you say, don't waste his time or tax his feelings by making him wait for your response and wonder what's going on. Swiftly but decisively make it clear that you think he is a good person, but that you have decided for your own reasons that you do not wish to be friends, and you do not want any more contact from him. If you need to, write a script and read it when he calls. If he questions you further, simply repeat what you've said. You don't owe him detailed reasons, but you do owe him better than to just suddenly disappear after having given him no hint thus far that you were other than interested in getting to know him.
posted by parrot_person at 5:49 AM on March 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by parrot_person at 5:49 AM on March 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Setting appropriate personal boundaries does not make you a mean girl. You also don't need any particular reason to not want to be friends with someone - if you just don't feel like this is someone you want to spend time with, that's enough reason.
I would deal with it in whatever way you feel personally comfortable with. Avoiding his calls is one way - no, it's not the most considerate way to deal with it, but it's also not the worst thing in the world to do. The super-direct approach is another. You could also just tell him that you enjoyed the conversation but that you're too busy to talk more.
posted by lunasol at 12:39 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would deal with it in whatever way you feel personally comfortable with. Avoiding his calls is one way - no, it's not the most considerate way to deal with it, but it's also not the worst thing in the world to do. The super-direct approach is another. You could also just tell him that you enjoyed the conversation but that you're too busy to talk more.
posted by lunasol at 12:39 PM on March 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm a little confused . . . it sounds like you enjoyed talking to him, and wanted to talk more, but you're upset that you provided another person your phone number?
I mean, if you know you don't want any contact, that's that. But I wonder if part of you is scared or confused and using the idea of spreading your phone number around as an excuse? Again, just wondering.
If you do proceed with stopping contact, I would vote for a direct approach ala parrot_person or lunasol over simply not answering his calls.
posted by MeiraV at 5:41 PM on March 27, 2012
I mean, if you know you don't want any contact, that's that. But I wonder if part of you is scared or confused and using the idea of spreading your phone number around as an excuse? Again, just wondering.
If you do proceed with stopping contact, I would vote for a direct approach ala parrot_person or lunasol over simply not answering his calls.
posted by MeiraV at 5:41 PM on March 27, 2012
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or, you could just not pick up your phone when he calls. probably i would just do this one. you do it enough and he'll stop calling.
posted by andreapandrea at 8:28 PM on March 23, 2012 [1 favorite]