Shaking hands at the end of a date too formal?

March 21, 2012 6:20 PM

Is shaking hands at the end of a date too formal?

[in particular for hetero dates in the U.S. because friendly men shake hands and men & women seem to shake hands in business contexts, but might hug socially]

Some suggest it, some say eek.

I did it once & it felt weird*, so I've tried hugging & that was kind of awkward too. (both at the conclusion of first dates)

[*actually it was the follow up email she sent. I didn't feel a spark, she did & mentioned the handshake, making me cringe]

The simplest, but hardest advice for the less socially adept I've seen is "ideally, the two should be on the same page by the end of the date."

I'm used to treating female colleagues in a male dominated industry (1:15 or 0:20 in many meetings) a bit standoffish in an attempt to show respect & professionalism. I did that on a date, so ended up with no sense of how it was going beyond how we might get along collaborating on some software. I'm familiar with the Guide to flirting & I intend to learn to relax and be more sensitive as I get some practice.

posted by morganw to Human Relations (35 answers total)

I don't think it's too formal but it is sort of confusing in the context of a date. The way a date ends is a good way to both indicate and identify how it went. If you like them but don't want to go in for the smooch, give them a hug. If not, wave goodbye.
posted by griphus at 6:27 PM on March 21, 2012

I'm a guy. If a woman put her hand out at the end of a date, I'd write them off immediately. I literally can't think of anything more awkward.

Go for a hug, at least.
posted by downing street memo at 6:27 PM on March 21, 2012 [2 favorites]

If handshakes are too formal, hugs are too awkward and kissing is unwelcome; how about high-fiving?
posted by banannafish at 6:28 PM on March 21, 2012 [6 favorites]

Best answer: My girlfriend says that she would shake hands after a date when she wanted to send a clear message of "this is the extent to which we will be having physical contact, ever."
posted by griphus at 6:29 PM on March 21, 2012 [61 favorites]

I guess it depends on the message you're trying to send. If you had a good time but don't feel a spark and don't really want a second date, then I suppose a handshake would be OK.

If you had a good date and do want to see the other person again, a hug would be much better. Going in for the kiss would be good, too, but I know that not everyone feels comfortable kissing on the first date.

Speaking personally, if I went on a date with a woman and she shook my hand at the end of it, I would assume that we wouldn't be going out again (unless there was additional context such as, perhaps, a joke one of us had made about shaking hands or something).
posted by asnider at 6:29 PM on March 21, 2012

I'm not sure, but I think I've shaken hands after a date. To me it's a sign that it didn't go well, I guess 'too formal' is a good way to put it.
posted by jacalata at 6:30 PM on March 21, 2012

I think that a hug at the end of any date, including those that are unlikely to lead to a second date, is de rigueur. A hand shake seems calculated to display a complete lack of desire in the companion.

Take my answer with a grain of salt. I've been either dating or married to the same woman since 2000 thus quite removed from the dating scene.
posted by starkraven at 6:31 PM on March 21, 2012

Yeah, a handshake is a sign that you are not interested romantically.

I have never shaken hands at the end of a date. Kisses when it goes well, sometimes hugs when it goes well or does not go well, sometimes just a "bye" when it does not go well (or, rarely, when it has actually gone fairly well). A handshake just seems like it's... rubbing the other person's nose in the fact that you are acknowledging a lack of interest.

What exactly are you trying to communicate?
posted by J. Wilson at 6:34 PM on March 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I think the trouble with the hug was that she thought I was going in for a kiss & was trying to present a cheek. Simpler to just go for it, get the cheek & know. OK, I'm out: not going to make this chatfilter
posted by morganw at 6:37 PM on March 21, 2012

Hug, just as you would with a female friend -- confidently and without hesitating. Treat it as a social custom, something you do because that's what someone in your position is supposed to do. Like putting on a huge smile when shaking hands with anyone your boss introduces you to.

The easiest and most helpful thing you can plan before a first date is how it's going to end. If you know it's going to end with you giving her a hug, regardless of how much either of you likes the other, you won't worry about it during the date. (Meanwhile, she will probably still worry about it, so you'll seem like the confident one.)
posted by RobinFiveWords at 6:42 PM on March 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

I like a fistbump followed by a hip-check, so rock out with whatever makes you the most comfortable.
posted by elizardbits at 6:57 PM on March 21, 2012 [1 favorite]

The trick to make it look like you're not going for a kiss when initiating an end-of-evening hug is to angle your shoulders (and thus neck & head) in such a way that makes it obvious your head is not on a trajectory for hers.

With that said, be aware of her body language--if you see her raising a hand for a shake (bummer), follow her lead.
posted by smirkette at 6:59 PM on March 21, 2012

At the conclusion of a perfectly pleasant blind date between me and the friend of a guy who had recently dumped me (clearly a mercy thing he set up), he looked me in the eye, smiled, said "Goodbye", and kissed me on the cheek.

There was no mistaking his intention of not seeing me again.
posted by jgirl at 7:02 PM on March 21, 2012

How about a "handshake" where you shake hands by holding her hand and take your other hand and place it gently on the back of her hand. While slowly shaking and telling her what a wonderful time you had, you'd probably quickly gather whether this is a "we're kinda holding hands and liking it" situation or something more perfunctory. If it's the former, move in for the kiss; if not, you shook her hand in a more tender way and less like you were closing a business deal.
posted by teg4rvn at 7:04 PM on March 21, 2012 [4 favorites]

Yeah, I think shaking hands at the end of a date is a little too stiff and formal. Here's how first dates seem to end in my experience (guy, thirties):

Horrible date (date was rude or obnoxious or crazy): "It was nice to meet you. Have a good night". No physical contact of any kind. Turn and head to car without looking back. Give up dating for a few months.

Decent date but no chemistry (you are 90% sure the other person feels the same way and there will be no second date): "Hey it was nice to meet you." Go in for hug without making eye contact that suggests a kiss. The hug will be awkward, but that's just the way it is. "Have a good night."

Decent date and second date is possibly in the cards: "Hey I had a good time." If positive vibe, "We should do this again sometime". Throw out a day or two that might work for you. Go in for hug. "I'll give you a call this week".

Great date and great chemistry, positive that the other person will want to go out again: "I had a really good time" Smile. Eyes lock. Silence, smilles turn to longing look. Kissing ensues. Impish smile. "Have a good night." No plans have to be made in this case because flirty text messages will definitely ensue that evening or the next day.

One in a thousand date: "Hey, how about some breakfast"?


I find that unless you're really sure that the person wants to go out again, don't go for the kiss at the end of the first date. If your date doesn't want to go out again, the kiss will be very awkward and you will possibly get the cheek. If your date is on the fence about going out again, not kissing gives them the space to think about it without feeling like you're being pushy. If your date really does want to go out again, they won't hold it against you that you didn't kiss them and it will just fuel anticipation for date 2.

If there was no kiss after the first date, the second date must end with a kiss if you want a third. Otherwise, awkward hug.
posted by minorcadence at 7:05 PM on March 21, 2012 [9 favorites]

A lot of people above have been NONONONO handshakes after a good/decent date, but I* think it could be pulled off as being sweet and respectful in the right context.

I can see a handshake being good at the end of a date is if it's REALLY obvious to both of you that you both like each other and it's been a REALLY good date.

If after a really awesome date with a guy, where we both laughed a lot and had a lot in common and felt comfortable together, and he said, sincerely, about having a really nice time and hoping to get together again (preferably doing something specific we both expressed an interest in during the date), and then held out his hand, it *could* work if he was a little bit googly-eyed and if it was pretty obvious that he would *like* to kiss me, but was offering a handshake out of respect. I would also probably at least try to hold his hand with both hands and go in for a hug at this point, though.

*I am an incredibly introverted and often awkward lady, and I like goofy, sweet, but sometimes shy or awkward guys. If you are a shy/awkward guy who gets kind of goofy/can't hide when he likes someone (as opposed to someone who just clams up and gets stiff and can't show when they like someone due to shyness), you might be able to pull off a handshake.
posted by shortyJBot at 7:17 PM on March 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

I have shaken hands with people before, it's kind of funny if you exaggerate it a bit and I'm not a very 'huggy' kind of person. However, it definitely sends a strong message. Of don't call me...and we (probably) won't call you.
posted by bquarters at 7:31 PM on March 21, 2012

Oh lord, I just had a friend who was on the receiving end of one of these.

Heterosexual date? If one of the parties, especially the guy, ends it with a handshake, I'd say there's little chance of romance.

The Romantic Minimum End of Date Standard is a hug, with, in increasing order on the Romance Scale: kiss on the cheek, kiss on the lips ...
posted by zippy at 7:36 PM on March 21, 2012

As a data point: if I recall correctly, I shook hands with my now-boyfriend at the end of our first was-it-a-date? and felt like a dork. Obviously, things worked out ok and it didn't mean I didn't like him. But I am not a huggy person, and otherwise wouldn't've done anything to physically mark saying goodbye, even if I did like the guy.
posted by mlle valentine at 7:50 PM on March 21, 2012

Best answer: So I'm a woman, in a male dominated field, and back when I was dating I definitely had some issues with insisting on treating my dating partners "professionally". I was so used to making sure nobody got the wrong idea that I only knew how to send "I am a professional now" signals, and not "I am dating" signals.

I'm also generally not so touchy-feely, and so yes, I have given a handshake at the end of a date. Twice. Didn't have another date with either; was happy about one of those and not so happy about the other.

At some point I realized I was being a little unnecessarily reticent, and as for my now-boyfriend- I hugged him *before he asked me out*. (Granted, I had pneumonia and was a little woozy, but still).

Anyhow, looks like you're on the other side of the same issue. The thing is, part of the reason you make the effort to be professional with your female colleagues (btw: awesome. go you. Really.) is that you want them to know you think of them as Colleagues and not Potential Dates. In other words, you really do want to distinguish. So distinguish both ways: professional with your workmates, and playful/dating behavior with your dates.
posted by nat at 8:13 PM on March 21, 2012 [6 favorites]

A sharp, solemn salute is always appropriate when a date has not gone well.
posted by tumid dahlia at 8:14 PM on March 21, 2012 [11 favorites]

Acceptable as a gentlemanly gesture only if you're wearing a top hat and monocle. Otherwise, I'd read it as a brush-off, since it's the sort of thing that I associate with the workplace.
posted by sugarbomb at 8:34 PM on March 21, 2012

The only option more awkward is patting the other person on the head.
posted by easy, lucky, free at 8:39 PM on March 21, 2012 [6 favorites]

Best answer: I'm a gay guy and the last time I dated a girl was, well, quite a while ago, so any observations I make should be considered purely theoretical.

It's very strange for a man to offer to shake a woman's hand, because etiquette calls for a woman always to offer her hand. (Between two women, it is the older woman or the woman of the higher rank who offers the hand.) If no hand is offered, it's not proper for the man to initiate the handshake. So, strictly speaking, your question is moot.

If the young woman offers her hand, you can shake it in a friendly but formal manner, smile and say, "Good night. I had a lovely time" and walk away (if you're not up for more dating) or else, you can take her hand in your two hands and say, "This was a marvelous evening. May I call you soon?" in the event you'd like to date some more. (Note that this dialogue is merely a placeholder for the same platitudes expressed in whatever language the young people are speaking today.)

So, there's the possibility that the young lady in question will not offer her hand. She might instead lean in to kiss the young man on the cheek, in which case he can seque into the "lovely time" or "marvelous evening" dialogue depending on his future plans. He can also signal his medium-range intentions by a) just barely touching her shoulder as she leans in (to make sure she does lose her balance), and immediately releasing it as she retreats ("lovely time") or else b) allowing the "balancing" touch to develop into a mild caress, and then, when she breaks off the kiss, maintain hand-shoulder contact for a moment longer (the message of this body language is left as an exercise for the reader).

If the young lady doesn't make any sort of move and just stands there (and, mothers, please teach your daughters not to be one of those) the young man can ("marvelous" option take a step toward her so he is not in physical contact but is within her personal space. That is a very clear way of saying "the ball is in your court." At this point the young lady may initiate some sort of caress (a kiss would be nice) or else she can back off, indicating "scram."

In my day (and who knows, the fundamental things don't change much over time) the gay version of this little nighty-night charade played out in a a much simpler way: The guy who is saying goodbye leans in and shoves his tongue down the throat of the guy whose door they are standing in front of. They writhe for a while, then come up for air. Guy #2, then says either "So. This was fun. Get home safe, dude" or else (an estimated 97% of the time) "Mmm. You want to move this inside?"

The moral of this story is that a date that doesn't involve any girls is sometimes less fun, but always less complicated.
posted by La Cieca at 8:51 PM on March 21, 2012 [21 favorites]

For what it's worth - and it's not much, since it's been a very long time since I dated - a handshake indicates that you are now in the infamous Friend Zone. But if you're a shy person or not big into physical contact, cheek-kisses can be conducted in a less intimate way than hugs.
Since coming to Australia, I've had to learn how to do this, because even though everyone thinks that Aussies are all tough croc-wrestlers or sheep shearers or whatnot, in the social settings I've been in, women are greeted with cheek-kisses by men and women alike. You basically juxtapose cheeks and emit a sort of smacky noise, if you're not super-close, or you can actually press your lips to the other person's cheek, if you are. The air-smack is way less intimate than hugging. (You do have to basically grasp each other's arms for leverage, though, and be pretty decisive about which sort of kiss you're going for.)
posted by gingerest at 9:15 PM on March 21, 2012

If you want to do something non-threatening with your hands that's not creepy, simply take her corresponding hand (that is, the one you wouldn't shake) while you tell her goodnight. Upgrade to taking both hands, a hug, a cheek kiss, a real kiss, or dry humping, as appropriate.
posted by anildash at 11:58 PM on March 21, 2012 [3 favorites]

I like the handshake at the end of a date. It says - I'm in no way going to risk my dignity on possible rejection, however I would like to acknowledge the time we spent together with at least some physical contact. Thank you for your time.
posted by mattoxic at 4:44 AM on March 22, 2012

Another option for a date which was OK but no spark is the side hug.
posted by anaelith at 5:40 AM on March 22, 2012

If you are not used to hugging then yeah, it is awkward. For most Americans, a cheek kiss seems a little too intimate but in most civilized cultures it is expected for all non-romantic contact between friends of both sexes. For a date, a quick hug would be the very least that should be done. Shaking hands should not be on the agenda and sounds about as rude as dumping your date in the middle of dinner.

If you are Amish or some variation of an ultra-religiously conservative then it would probably be appropriate to check with your date's chaperone so as not to commit a major sin.
posted by JJ86 at 7:06 AM on March 22, 2012

Best answer: Let's play choose your own dating adventure!

1. You go for a kiss, she likes you, reciprocates. Doesn't mean there will be another date, but, by doing this you haven't screwed anything up. Success!

2. You go for a kiss, she likes you, dodges. Doesn't mean there won't be another date -- she's new to this dating stuff after a long relationship she got out of. Later, in a text message she makes it clear that despite her dodge she wants to see you again. Success!

3. You go for a kiss, she doesn't like you, dodges. There will not be another date. She lets you know you're nice but she's not interested. Success! Now you know that!

4. You shake her hand. She liked you but now she thinks you might not know what you're doing when it comes to dating, or worse, she thinks you are afraid to kiss her. Women are not typically attracted to guys who are afraid of them. Your stock just dropped precipitously.

5. You shake her hand, she thinks maybe you're not interested in "in that way" but since she liked you, you remain friends. Now you have a friend. Uh, great.

Contrary to what you might think, women are not deeply offended if you try to kiss them, especially if they like you, EVEN IF they don't want to kiss back. They are also pretty smart and are undoubtedly thinking about the same things you are when the time for it comes up.

But I will also say, that I think you do yourself a disservice if you wait until the very end of the date to create some moment-of-truth scenario.

Good luck, and godspeed.
posted by Feel the beat of the rhythm of the night at 7:46 AM on March 22, 2012 [4 favorites]

Many of my first dates ended with a kiss, which actually is not a guarantee there will be a second date. But my first date with my boyfriend began with an awkward "handsha--oh, how about a hug?" dance (inititated by me) and ended with... another, less awkward hug (initiated by him)... but no kiss. I was a bit confused by this lack of smooch on the first date because I'm so used to it being a signifier of "date went well, there may be more!" It wasn't that I thought, "oh he's not interested, I've been friend-zoned" more that I was like, "hm, maybe I didn't give him enough signals I was interested; I better follow up on this because I REALLY like this guy." I knew we'd gotten along well and all that, but a I'm more sure there's a certain level of mutual chemistry when there's some lip-smacking happening, so it did throw me off a bit. Turns out my boyfriend is just polite and respectful. Sadly, not so used to that.


So just to say that a handshake or hug doesn't always spell doom to the recipient. I think a lot of depends on how it's done. A warm, lingering hug or a handshake with a gentle press, a look in the eyes, and a smile while saying "let's do this again some time" is just as good as a kiss.
posted by sm1tten at 8:26 AM on March 22, 2012

Go full-gentleman/old school and kiss the hand . . .
posted by eggman at 12:32 PM on March 22, 2012

Because you've marked it as best answer, I'd like to add another option to the "choose your own adventure" thing, which is:

You go for a kiss, she doesn't like you, but doesn't dodge (because she feels uncomfortable and/or was taken off guard). This has happened to me (and to several of my friends), and while it wasn't traumatic, it also wasn't pleasant. I wasn't offended, but I didn't like the idea that I didn't get an opportunity to say yes or no to a second date -- in other words, I didn't get to give any concrete feedback about how the date had gone -- before being confronted with a kiss.

Unless you're pretty sure she's into you, I'd recommend sticking to a hug and saving the kiss for date #2.
posted by cider at 1:31 PM on March 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

I didn't like the idea that I didn't get an opportunity to say yes or no to a second date -- in other words, I didn't get to give any concrete feedback about how the date had gone

you had a whole date to give feedback, jeez.
posted by jacalata at 1:34 PM on March 22, 2012 [1 favorite]

True, but politeness on a date is often viewed as enthusiasm. It's possible that I should be more assertive; I'm just trying to give another point of view on the "go in for a kiss" thing.
posted by cider at 5:42 AM on March 23, 2012 [2 favorites]