Am I really this shallow?
March 16, 2012 5:20 PM Subscribe
Doubts after a breakup: hit me with that frying pan one more time and I might actually get it.
Really, I hate to keep harping on this. If I had a friend who I could sit with in a coffee shop and talk about this for 4 hours, I would be there with a chai tea latte in my hand right now. But I don't. So, I turn to the internet yet again.
So, I'm still broken up with the ex... for the second time. He called me after the first time, we talked, I was weak, and I went back to him. For 2 weeks. He made an effort; he showered every time, unasked; he made more time for me; he called me earlier and we talked for much longer. Things seemed good. Anything he could ostensibly change, he did.
Until we got to the thing he couldn't change: his income. I'm beginning to suspect this was the real problem in our relationship, and I only brought this up with him in ridiculously roundabout ways, because I didn't want to seem like a gold digging bitch. But I feel like one when I talk about money, no matter how I spin it. See, even though I'm in school, I get an allowance from my parents. So generally, anytime I want to eat out, see a movie, go to a museum, whatever, I can afford it. He cannot. Most of the stuff he does is free or really cheap... watching movies and smoking pot at a friend's house. Maybe they go out for fast food when they get the munchies.
I like to visit museums, go to historical sights, watch movies in the theater, do whatever fun things they have on groupon... whale watching, the symphony, the ballet, whatnot.
And all I want in a partner is that he pays his own way, and we take turns driving. Honestly, taking turns isn't even necessary. I would have been happy if he drove 1/3 of the time. I didn't make him, though, because I knew about his money situation and I knew he had to drive to work every day and didn't want him to possibly run out of gas.
Now this all sounds very reasonable and sensible in my head, but I have to think... he isn't the only one whose financial situation is less than perfect. A lot of people out there don't even have jobs in this economy. What do they all do? Just not date? Find someone else who also lives extremely frugally? I didn't date in college, but I'm wondering how high school and college students date, when they aren't financially solvent. I'm very fortunate in my life that I've never been worried about money, so I know I don't understand what it takes to earn money, save it, budget, etc. I do know the value of it, however, and I'm not extravagant by nature.
But is money really a valid reason to break up with someone? More and more, I feel like a horrible, shallow, greedy person. This is something about himself he cannot change. I have a stutter and mood swings that I cannot change, and part of my hesitancy in breaking up with him was being worried that I would never find another guy who would put up with those things. He really was very patient with me, so I felt like I owed him some extra financial assistance if he needed it. I tried to feel okay with it for the entire length of our relationship, but I just couldn't keep up appearances anymore.
And also... he said in about a year's time, he will be promoted to store manager, where his income would double. I feel like that's great for him, but I'm not willing to do this for another year and then hope he will pull his own weight. More than anything, I wish I could not have met him when I met him and met him in a year instead. He has a good heart and we have a bond, but for some reason, that isn't enough for me. I need the tangibles. Maybe I'm just not as romantic as I always thought I was or something.
Part of me feels like, on some level, we were right for each other; we could've gotten married. I know he was on that track; he's extremely family-oriented, loyal to a fault, etc. The relationship got boring, but now I don't think it's because he was boring; it's simply because he couldn't afford to do more of the fun stuff, and he got content with doing the same old thing every weekend. But the potential is there.
It's just this money issue that's in the way that I feel ruined everything.
I'm sure plenty of relationships have income imbalance... how do people deal with that? If you like the person enough, does it become not as big of a deal? A lot of it also was that I was feeling like the man in the relationship... planning things to do, driving there, even paying for it (and he said he'd pay me back when he could afford to). I believe in women and men being equal partners in a relationship, but once in a while, I would love to feel taken care of, to be bought a gift, to be treated to dinner. Even though I could afford the gift and the dinner myself, it's the fact that someone would want to do those things for me that would make me feel special.
He was always the more physically affectionate one; he called me every night, he texted me multiple times a day... honestly, I feel like he was a good boyfriend, except for the money thing (which influenced the driving and the going out and the general having shared new experiences together).
Is it really hopeless, though? We'd only just talked about money last night, and that's when we finally said we should have a period of a few months with no contact. But I also feel like the lines of communication are finally open. He's been a great emotional support to me over the past few months; he was my best friend and my my confidante. I miss him a lot and it's distracting me from school. I keep weighing in my mind whether or not it's worth working through his financial situation with him. He kept saying if I wanted him to take me out more, I should have just asked him. He could've saved up for that. I'm of the opinion that if he was so inclined, he would've done it on his own. I don't want to spend the rest of my life asking someone to treat me the way I want to be treated, but I also know that guys aren't mind readers. I just don't know if I am too pragmatic or harsh or shallow or not open to love. I feel like all those things right now.
If I were suddenly cut off by my parents, I would hate for my partner to abandon me and not like me anymore just because I couldn't afford to do things with him. So why am I doing that?
Really, I hate to keep harping on this. If I had a friend who I could sit with in a coffee shop and talk about this for 4 hours, I would be there with a chai tea latte in my hand right now. But I don't. So, I turn to the internet yet again.
So, I'm still broken up with the ex... for the second time. He called me after the first time, we talked, I was weak, and I went back to him. For 2 weeks. He made an effort; he showered every time, unasked; he made more time for me; he called me earlier and we talked for much longer. Things seemed good. Anything he could ostensibly change, he did.
Until we got to the thing he couldn't change: his income. I'm beginning to suspect this was the real problem in our relationship, and I only brought this up with him in ridiculously roundabout ways, because I didn't want to seem like a gold digging bitch. But I feel like one when I talk about money, no matter how I spin it. See, even though I'm in school, I get an allowance from my parents. So generally, anytime I want to eat out, see a movie, go to a museum, whatever, I can afford it. He cannot. Most of the stuff he does is free or really cheap... watching movies and smoking pot at a friend's house. Maybe they go out for fast food when they get the munchies.
I like to visit museums, go to historical sights, watch movies in the theater, do whatever fun things they have on groupon... whale watching, the symphony, the ballet, whatnot.
And all I want in a partner is that he pays his own way, and we take turns driving. Honestly, taking turns isn't even necessary. I would have been happy if he drove 1/3 of the time. I didn't make him, though, because I knew about his money situation and I knew he had to drive to work every day and didn't want him to possibly run out of gas.
Now this all sounds very reasonable and sensible in my head, but I have to think... he isn't the only one whose financial situation is less than perfect. A lot of people out there don't even have jobs in this economy. What do they all do? Just not date? Find someone else who also lives extremely frugally? I didn't date in college, but I'm wondering how high school and college students date, when they aren't financially solvent. I'm very fortunate in my life that I've never been worried about money, so I know I don't understand what it takes to earn money, save it, budget, etc. I do know the value of it, however, and I'm not extravagant by nature.
But is money really a valid reason to break up with someone? More and more, I feel like a horrible, shallow, greedy person. This is something about himself he cannot change. I have a stutter and mood swings that I cannot change, and part of my hesitancy in breaking up with him was being worried that I would never find another guy who would put up with those things. He really was very patient with me, so I felt like I owed him some extra financial assistance if he needed it. I tried to feel okay with it for the entire length of our relationship, but I just couldn't keep up appearances anymore.
And also... he said in about a year's time, he will be promoted to store manager, where his income would double. I feel like that's great for him, but I'm not willing to do this for another year and then hope he will pull his own weight. More than anything, I wish I could not have met him when I met him and met him in a year instead. He has a good heart and we have a bond, but for some reason, that isn't enough for me. I need the tangibles. Maybe I'm just not as romantic as I always thought I was or something.
Part of me feels like, on some level, we were right for each other; we could've gotten married. I know he was on that track; he's extremely family-oriented, loyal to a fault, etc. The relationship got boring, but now I don't think it's because he was boring; it's simply because he couldn't afford to do more of the fun stuff, and he got content with doing the same old thing every weekend. But the potential is there.
It's just this money issue that's in the way that I feel ruined everything.
I'm sure plenty of relationships have income imbalance... how do people deal with that? If you like the person enough, does it become not as big of a deal? A lot of it also was that I was feeling like the man in the relationship... planning things to do, driving there, even paying for it (and he said he'd pay me back when he could afford to). I believe in women and men being equal partners in a relationship, but once in a while, I would love to feel taken care of, to be bought a gift, to be treated to dinner. Even though I could afford the gift and the dinner myself, it's the fact that someone would want to do those things for me that would make me feel special.
He was always the more physically affectionate one; he called me every night, he texted me multiple times a day... honestly, I feel like he was a good boyfriend, except for the money thing (which influenced the driving and the going out and the general having shared new experiences together).
Is it really hopeless, though? We'd only just talked about money last night, and that's when we finally said we should have a period of a few months with no contact. But I also feel like the lines of communication are finally open. He's been a great emotional support to me over the past few months; he was my best friend and my my confidante. I miss him a lot and it's distracting me from school. I keep weighing in my mind whether or not it's worth working through his financial situation with him. He kept saying if I wanted him to take me out more, I should have just asked him. He could've saved up for that. I'm of the opinion that if he was so inclined, he would've done it on his own. I don't want to spend the rest of my life asking someone to treat me the way I want to be treated, but I also know that guys aren't mind readers. I just don't know if I am too pragmatic or harsh or shallow or not open to love. I feel like all those things right now.
If I were suddenly cut off by my parents, I would hate for my partner to abandon me and not like me anymore just because I couldn't afford to do things with him. So why am I doing that?
First off money does not equal fun. There are plenty of cheap or free things to do that are a blast.
The truth is that if you can't enjoy him just sitting at home watching TV at all, then you have no business staying with him. You didn't love him. You like him. That's enough. Grab your torch. The Tribe has spoken.
All this guilt is coming because you don't feel worthy of his love maybe because of some self-esteem issues you have and maybe because you feel bad that you don't love him back. That's not a crime. You don't owe someone love in return.
You've made the right call. Move on...and let him move on, too.
posted by inturnaround at 5:29 PM on March 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
The truth is that if you can't enjoy him just sitting at home watching TV at all, then you have no business staying with him. You didn't love him. You like him. That's enough. Grab your torch. The Tribe has spoken.
All this guilt is coming because you don't feel worthy of his love maybe because of some self-esteem issues you have and maybe because you feel bad that you don't love him back. That's not a crime. You don't owe someone love in return.
You've made the right call. Move on...and let him move on, too.
posted by inturnaround at 5:29 PM on March 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
I think this is a red herring. Go back and read the comments from your other two questions. Then, stop thinking about him and your relationship, and take yourself out for dinner and movie.
posted by Specklet at 5:29 PM on March 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Specklet at 5:29 PM on March 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
I'm of the opinion that good relationships don't require AskMe questions with clockwork-like regularity. I think your self esteem is so low that you don't believe you can get someone better than this unsatisfying loser to date you.
posted by jayder at 5:31 PM on March 16, 2012 [36 favorites]
posted by jayder at 5:31 PM on March 16, 2012 [36 favorites]
Best answer: Your issue with this guy was never just about finances, as your other questions amply showed. It's that you don't appear to really like him all that much, and he doesn't appear to really like you all that much. Enjoying each other's company is pretty much the very first necessary precondition for a relationship to have even a snowball's chance in hell of working out.
It is OK to move on. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make him a bad person. And feeling a little sad or unsure about moving on doesn't actually mean it's the wrong decision.
Look, you can be in a relationship with him if you want. No one here can make you break up and stay broken up. But here's the two-part thing to keep in mind: 1) what you have repeatedly said you want in a relationship is perfectly valid and not unreasonable; 2) what you have repeatedly described indicates that this relationship will not supply you with the things you want.
So you have a choice: move on and find what you potentially want elsewhere, or stay with this guy and continue to not get what you want. But you have given absolutely no realistic reason to believe that you can stay in this relationship AND get what you want.
posted by scody at 5:36 PM on March 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
It is OK to move on. It doesn't make you a bad person. It doesn't make him a bad person. And feeling a little sad or unsure about moving on doesn't actually mean it's the wrong decision.
Look, you can be in a relationship with him if you want. No one here can make you break up and stay broken up. But here's the two-part thing to keep in mind: 1) what you have repeatedly said you want in a relationship is perfectly valid and not unreasonable; 2) what you have repeatedly described indicates that this relationship will not supply you with the things you want.
So you have a choice: move on and find what you potentially want elsewhere, or stay with this guy and continue to not get what you want. But you have given absolutely no realistic reason to believe that you can stay in this relationship AND get what you want.
posted by scody at 5:36 PM on March 16, 2012 [13 favorites]
I sort of think this is the kind of thing where, if you really loved him madly and were much more compatible it would be worth it, but since you already have a love that's more like friendship, and the "going out and splitting the cost" thing applies equally well to friendship, if not moreso, there's nothing morally wrong with the way you feel. Does that make sense? If you had a good friend who you really liked who was poor, maybe you'd pay to go out with them. But you'd also ideally want to find friends who could do the same activities you like and pay their way. If one of you made enough money to fund the lifestyle and kids you wanted, and you were in love enough to be happily committed and get married, then maybe it wouldn't be a big deal. But as it is you have to sacrifice something you want for him, and maybe he's just not that exciting compared to other options.
posted by quincunx at 5:40 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by quincunx at 5:40 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You've been dating this guy, what, five months now? Six? And you've already broken up with him twice? And had doubts about him after three months? You are working on a graduate degree and his fave things to do are toke and make Taco Bell runs? He's 24 and has to be reminded to practice good hygiene and only does so to get laid?
You aren't shallow; you two just aren't compatible. Stop torturing yourself and stop torturing him. You need to find someone who shares your values of financial security and stability and he needs to find someone who shares his values of surf-bumming it through life. You will both be happier.
End this now, yo.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:42 PM on March 16, 2012 [18 favorites]
You aren't shallow; you two just aren't compatible. Stop torturing yourself and stop torturing him. You need to find someone who shares your values of financial security and stability and he needs to find someone who shares his values of surf-bumming it through life. You will both be happier.
End this now, yo.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 5:42 PM on March 16, 2012 [18 favorites]
Reading your question, and unaware of the others, I totally saw where you were maybe coming from. Then I read the others and realized how short a time you've been together and how many other troubles you've had.
It seems like, to me, with this money issue, that you're doing the same thing. It makes sense. We do that all the time. The brain plays tricks on us, especially in relationships. It's probably what makes even those of us that are happy be able to stay with people who occasionally drive us crazy.
But that's not your situation. You need to remember all the other reasons, and not try to think that you shouldn't be together because one of your reasons might not feel valid. It's a trap and you should try to avoid it however you can.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:58 PM on March 16, 2012
It seems like, to me, with this money issue, that you're doing the same thing. It makes sense. We do that all the time. The brain plays tricks on us, especially in relationships. It's probably what makes even those of us that are happy be able to stay with people who occasionally drive us crazy.
But that's not your situation. You need to remember all the other reasons, and not try to think that you shouldn't be together because one of your reasons might not feel valid. It's a trap and you should try to avoid it however you can.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 5:58 PM on March 16, 2012
Do you want to be happy? If the answer if yes - ditch this loser and work on your self esteem. Also, you need to start building a support network for yourself that extends beyond the internet. If you find MeFi that helpful go to a meet-up or something.
If the answer is no - get back together with this guy and enjoy some more months of emotional turmoil!
posted by OsoMeaty at 6:04 PM on March 16, 2012
If the answer is no - get back together with this guy and enjoy some more months of emotional turmoil!
posted by OsoMeaty at 6:04 PM on March 16, 2012
He was always the more physically affectionate one; he called me every night, he texted me multiple times a day... honestly, I feel like he was a good boyfriend, except for the money thing (which influenced the driving and the going out and the general having shared new experiences together).
I personally think that being with someone you like and who makes you feel comfortable is more important than money but that is my personal perspective. A lot of people in this world think that tangibles will make them happy or that tangibles will make other people happy.
But, look, he wasn't great with bathing, which is a pretty big dealbreaker in a relationship.
Now, you need to go find some friends and a therapist. Why? Because you need people to talk to and you need to experience some life. What you don't need to do is to spend your life being miserable with someone just so that you can a) say you have someone and b) have some drama as a pay-off for how miserable you are.
posted by mleigh at 6:06 PM on March 16, 2012
I personally think that being with someone you like and who makes you feel comfortable is more important than money but that is my personal perspective. A lot of people in this world think that tangibles will make them happy or that tangibles will make other people happy.
But, look, he wasn't great with bathing, which is a pretty big dealbreaker in a relationship.
Now, you need to go find some friends and a therapist. Why? Because you need people to talk to and you need to experience some life. What you don't need to do is to spend your life being miserable with someone just so that you can a) say you have someone and b) have some drama as a pay-off for how miserable you are.
posted by mleigh at 6:06 PM on March 16, 2012
It sounds like on a human level you two are incompatible although he was physically attracted to you. I would let it go. It takes a lot of energy to deal with a situation where one is leaving a person they have an attraction to, but I don't think you need to dwell on the 'what ifs' too much
posted by parmanparman at 6:07 PM on March 16, 2012
posted by parmanparman at 6:07 PM on March 16, 2012
Well, you don't really pay your own way either--your parents do. But that doesn't change the fact that you don't seem happy with him, aren't compatible, and (in light of those first two things) were right to break up with him.
posted by sugarbomb at 6:08 PM on March 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by sugarbomb at 6:08 PM on March 16, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: A minor point: he says that in about a year, he will be promoted to manager --- maybe yes, but also maybe no. I really, really doubt that he can know this promotion will absolutely, definately 100% happen, and he wants you to hang around for a year *just in case*....
You've been with him for just five months, and have broken up a couple times already, which means there's real differences between you; now he want you to just wait for TWELVE MORE months? I'm sorry, but let this relationship go. You have a lifestyle --- things you enjoy doing, places you want to go --- and he enjoys vegging out with his friends, and I honestly doubt that even if his paycheck was magically tripled today that his preferences would change much.
Aalso, please don't call yourself names, you are NOT shallow or a golddigger! And don't let guilt keep you from leaving: you don't owe him anything.
posted by easily confused at 6:10 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
You've been with him for just five months, and have broken up a couple times already, which means there's real differences between you; now he want you to just wait for TWELVE MORE months? I'm sorry, but let this relationship go. You have a lifestyle --- things you enjoy doing, places you want to go --- and he enjoys vegging out with his friends, and I honestly doubt that even if his paycheck was magically tripled today that his preferences would change much.
Aalso, please don't call yourself names, you are NOT shallow or a golddigger! And don't let guilt keep you from leaving: you don't owe him anything.
posted by easily confused at 6:10 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
It's OK not to date losers, and it's OK to stop dating losers but maybe get back together with them when they aren't losers, but not before that and while having dated other people in the meantime.
posted by rhizome at 6:21 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 6:21 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: In each of your questions, you've implied that there are criteria for breaking up--like, you can't break up unless you've given the guy X amount of time to get his act together, or you can't break up unless you can prove that he is a bad person.
The truth is, if you're dating someone and decide you don't want to be with him anymore--for whatever reason--that's a good, healthy reason to break up. He can be sweet, kind, and totally in love with you, and it's still ok (and sometimes necessary) to break up.
If this were the right guy for you, it wouldn't matter to you how much money he was making.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:31 PM on March 16, 2012 [15 favorites]
The truth is, if you're dating someone and decide you don't want to be with him anymore--for whatever reason--that's a good, healthy reason to break up. He can be sweet, kind, and totally in love with you, and it's still ok (and sometimes necessary) to break up.
If this were the right guy for you, it wouldn't matter to you how much money he was making.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:31 PM on March 16, 2012 [15 favorites]
Best answer: So about poor self esteem as the key issue underpinning a deep-seated fear that you don't deserve/can't do any better, I can't help but be reminded of your comment in another thread about how the cruelty you've suffered as a stutterer made you question whether to have children. And while you've also mentioned that you like to talk things through, it's very hard to feel deserving when, as a child, one repeatedly makes the decision not to speak... not to express opinions or needs and to be silent when another person treads on you.
posted by carmicha at 6:33 PM on March 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by carmicha at 6:33 PM on March 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
A lot of people out there don't even have jobs in this economy. What do they all do? Just not date?
Not all dates cost money. I dated my SO by walking around town, drinking the watery free tea at the Student Union, hanging around at his house or my house, chatting on ICQ (we're old).
It doesn't cost a penny to "date". It costs money to go on dates that cost money.
posted by jb at 6:35 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Not all dates cost money. I dated my SO by walking around town, drinking the watery free tea at the Student Union, hanging around at his house or my house, chatting on ICQ (we're old).
It doesn't cost a penny to "date". It costs money to go on dates that cost money.
posted by jb at 6:35 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Um, no. You just don't like him very much.
Maybe you're right and money is a factor. But it's excruciatingly clear, if you go back and re-read your other questions and comments in those threads, that you're just not that into this guy.
That's an acceptable reason to leave him. Strike that. It's the very best reason to leave him, and it's why it's wrong to stay with him.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:36 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Maybe you're right and money is a factor. But it's excruciatingly clear, if you go back and re-read your other questions and comments in those threads, that you're just not that into this guy.
That's an acceptable reason to leave him. Strike that. It's the very best reason to leave him, and it's why it's wrong to stay with him.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:36 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
He kept saying if I wanted him to take me out more, I should have just asked him. He could've saved up for that. I'm of the opinion that if he was so inclined, he would've done it on his own.
I don't necessarily know if you should go back to him-- it sounds like from your previous questions, you guys weren't a good match. But in response to this question in isolation, it is a little cold to dump someone because they can't afford to go out that much. Getting money from your parents makes it a lot easier to think of the world as your playground. If you truly do prioritize going out for nice dinners and whale watching, then it seems selfish to expect him to save up for that when you could pay for it easily. Plus it's less rewarding if you're expecting it and if he's thinking about the bills he could have paid or the broken air conditioner. But, like, he's just sitting around and smoking pot? My broke ass can still take someone out for ice cream or a movie.
But on that note, it really sounds like you're not that into him, since you're doubting if you're "not as romantic" as you thought you were-- you probably just don't feel romantic about him because you aren't that compatible. Why is he broke? Because of the economy? If he's broke because he's not ambitious and you are, that's an incompatibility.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:03 PM on March 16, 2012
I don't necessarily know if you should go back to him-- it sounds like from your previous questions, you guys weren't a good match. But in response to this question in isolation, it is a little cold to dump someone because they can't afford to go out that much. Getting money from your parents makes it a lot easier to think of the world as your playground. If you truly do prioritize going out for nice dinners and whale watching, then it seems selfish to expect him to save up for that when you could pay for it easily. Plus it's less rewarding if you're expecting it and if he's thinking about the bills he could have paid or the broken air conditioner. But, like, he's just sitting around and smoking pot? My broke ass can still take someone out for ice cream or a movie.
But on that note, it really sounds like you're not that into him, since you're doubting if you're "not as romantic" as you thought you were-- you probably just don't feel romantic about him because you aren't that compatible. Why is he broke? Because of the economy? If he's broke because he's not ambitious and you are, that's an incompatibility.
posted by stoneandstar at 7:03 PM on March 16, 2012
Best answer: Look back at the liost of things he does with his friends. Then look at your list. This isn't just about money. There are low budget ways to pursue scaled back versions of the things you describe. If he shared those interests it would have been expressed, money or no. He's a pothead doing what so many potheads do, and his inertia is holding you back from the life you want to live. It doesn't make him a bad person, or even less beautiful in his own unique way, but it's not the right platform for growing YOU into who YOU want to be. Let it go & don't look back.
posted by Ys at 7:10 PM on March 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by Ys at 7:10 PM on March 16, 2012 [7 favorites]
Ummmm... going on your last 2 questions THIS WILL NOT WORK.
You sound a lot like me 8 years ago when I was your age. I was dating an alcoholic with the dirtiest mite infested pillow in the world.... I didn't dump his ass straight away- because its a good sign he shared his only disgusting pillow with ME, right? Not really.
This dude is a wastrel. You'll see that eventually, but what will that take?
(I personally have a tipping point where one day, after some minute comment or action, I KNOW something won't work and I'll eventually have to walk away... and once I know that, I can't un-know that- I imagine that's the same for everyone... so KNOW that will happen to you and be kind to yourself until it does)
posted by misspony at 7:54 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
You sound a lot like me 8 years ago when I was your age. I was dating an alcoholic with the dirtiest mite infested pillow in the world.... I didn't dump his ass straight away- because its a good sign he shared his only disgusting pillow with ME, right? Not really.
This dude is a wastrel. You'll see that eventually, but what will that take?
(I personally have a tipping point where one day, after some minute comment or action, I KNOW something won't work and I'll eventually have to walk away... and once I know that, I can't un-know that- I imagine that's the same for everyone... so KNOW that will happen to you and be kind to yourself until it does)
posted by misspony at 7:54 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: But is money really a valid reason to break up with someone?
The only valid reason for breaking up with someone is not wanting to be in a relationship with them.
All this other crap doesn't matter. You are obviously not happy about settling down with this guy. So don't.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 8:01 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
The only valid reason for breaking up with someone is not wanting to be in a relationship with them.
All this other crap doesn't matter. You are obviously not happy about settling down with this guy. So don't.
posted by no regrets, coyote at 8:01 PM on March 16, 2012 [2 favorites]
Best answer: You frame this like it's about your ex-boyfriend. It's not.
Look at how you start your question:
Really, I hate to keep harping on this. If I had a friend who I could sit with in a coffee shop and talk about this for 4 hours, I would be there with a chai tea latte in my hand right now. But I don't. So, I turn to the internet yet again.
The problem seems to have almost nothing to do with your stinky, selfish, irresponsible, immature, and uncaring ex. Instead, it has to do with this: you're lonely and you don't have enough friends.
Try to think about that. It hurts, I'm guessing. It's horribly painful to admit it when you're lonely -- I know, I'm lonely a lot too. When you're suffering through deep and dark loneliness, it's really hard to face it. So it's really easy to ignore it, to focus on other issues, to act like something else really is the problem, because that something else will be easier to fix. Here you are -- you admit that you're terribly lonely, that you're reaching out to the internet when you know you'd much rather be reaching out to friends, and yet you frame the whole issue as an issue related to finances in a relationship.
Here's what I think you need to do. Say this out loud: "I don't need a boyfriend right now. What I need are friends." Believe it. And work on it. It won't be easy. It won't, at first, be fun. But it'll be the work you really need to do. It'll be the change in your life that will actually bring you nearer to happiness. It'll be the change you need.
How does one get friends? Well.. That's hard. I'm sorry if my answer here makes it seem like finding friends is super easy. I know it's not. It's not for me, and it's not for you. That's a whole AskMe question (or a whole long string of AskMe questions!) on its own. It's also probably something that therapy can help with. Like others have said, you sound like you have some pretty severe self-esteem issues. You deserve to like yourself more than you do.
Quit it with this loser. You're focusing on this (ended) relationship because it's easier than focusing on what really hurts. That's what I think, at least. If my analysis makes any sense to you at all, please, say it: "I don't need a boyfriend right now. What I need are friends."
posted by meese at 8:09 PM on March 16, 2012 [29 favorites]
Look at how you start your question:
Really, I hate to keep harping on this. If I had a friend who I could sit with in a coffee shop and talk about this for 4 hours, I would be there with a chai tea latte in my hand right now. But I don't. So, I turn to the internet yet again.
The problem seems to have almost nothing to do with your stinky, selfish, irresponsible, immature, and uncaring ex. Instead, it has to do with this: you're lonely and you don't have enough friends.
Try to think about that. It hurts, I'm guessing. It's horribly painful to admit it when you're lonely -- I know, I'm lonely a lot too. When you're suffering through deep and dark loneliness, it's really hard to face it. So it's really easy to ignore it, to focus on other issues, to act like something else really is the problem, because that something else will be easier to fix. Here you are -- you admit that you're terribly lonely, that you're reaching out to the internet when you know you'd much rather be reaching out to friends, and yet you frame the whole issue as an issue related to finances in a relationship.
Here's what I think you need to do. Say this out loud: "I don't need a boyfriend right now. What I need are friends." Believe it. And work on it. It won't be easy. It won't, at first, be fun. But it'll be the work you really need to do. It'll be the change in your life that will actually bring you nearer to happiness. It'll be the change you need.
How does one get friends? Well.. That's hard. I'm sorry if my answer here makes it seem like finding friends is super easy. I know it's not. It's not for me, and it's not for you. That's a whole AskMe question (or a whole long string of AskMe questions!) on its own. It's also probably something that therapy can help with. Like others have said, you sound like you have some pretty severe self-esteem issues. You deserve to like yourself more than you do.
Quit it with this loser. You're focusing on this (ended) relationship because it's easier than focusing on what really hurts. That's what I think, at least. If my analysis makes any sense to you at all, please, say it: "I don't need a boyfriend right now. What I need are friends."
posted by meese at 8:09 PM on March 16, 2012 [29 favorites]
And all I want in a partner is that he pays his own way, and we take turns driving.
You aren't paying your own way. Your parents are. Nothing wrong with that. But to hold him to a standard you cannot keep?
I think this relationship isn't for you.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:36 PM on March 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
You aren't paying your own way. Your parents are. Nothing wrong with that. But to hold him to a standard you cannot keep?
I think this relationship isn't for you.
posted by Ironmouth at 8:36 PM on March 16, 2012 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Pot costs money, too. If you're not smoking it with him, you might be surprised at how much it costs. Even without knowing any of the particulars, I feel confident that a week's supply for a daily user = a whale watch, at least.
I have been in your situation. I spent my early twenties hoping that my boyfriend would hit me so I would feel entitled to break up with him. Then I spent my mid-twenties engaged to a different guy, thinking it was tolerable because he was a decade older than me and overweight so I would probably have a nice long widowhood to look forward to when I could finally be free of his obnoxious presence. Those were my secret thoughts and i honestly thought everyone had them. You are not a shallow gold digger any more than I was a sicko who wished for the death of her fiancé and wanted to be punched in the face.
Boyfriend never hit me and Fiancé is still alive, bless his heart. I had to leave them both using nothing but my wits. I dated guys that I was unenthusiastic about because I had low self-esteem and I didn't know it, like a fish doesn't know he's surrounded by water. The really sucky thing about dating goofballs is that it grinds your self-esteem down even further, in all kinds of ways you don't even notice. It's actually very unhealthy.
You have a soul that wants to be free. A part of yourself knows that you are beautiful and young and passionate and smart and you deserve to be with an equal. Not just someone with the potential to be an equal, but a real partner, NOW. You have a chance for that guy. Go look for him. He's already looking for you, I guarantee it.
posted by gentian at 9:00 PM on March 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
I have been in your situation. I spent my early twenties hoping that my boyfriend would hit me so I would feel entitled to break up with him. Then I spent my mid-twenties engaged to a different guy, thinking it was tolerable because he was a decade older than me and overweight so I would probably have a nice long widowhood to look forward to when I could finally be free of his obnoxious presence. Those were my secret thoughts and i honestly thought everyone had them. You are not a shallow gold digger any more than I was a sicko who wished for the death of her fiancé and wanted to be punched in the face.
Boyfriend never hit me and Fiancé is still alive, bless his heart. I had to leave them both using nothing but my wits. I dated guys that I was unenthusiastic about because I had low self-esteem and I didn't know it, like a fish doesn't know he's surrounded by water. The really sucky thing about dating goofballs is that it grinds your self-esteem down even further, in all kinds of ways you don't even notice. It's actually very unhealthy.
You have a soul that wants to be free. A part of yourself knows that you are beautiful and young and passionate and smart and you deserve to be with an equal. Not just someone with the potential to be an equal, but a real partner, NOW. You have a chance for that guy. Go look for him. He's already looking for you, I guarantee it.
posted by gentian at 9:00 PM on March 16, 2012 [8 favorites]
Best answer: Seriously, you are frustrating me!! You are inexperienced in dating and there's this things called settling and that's what you're doing with this guy. Don't mistake the loneliness you're feeling for loving him and not being able to live without him. Breakups are hard. REALLY hard. It's taking many of them before I'm able to even get that breaking up is necessary, despite the hurt. It allows you to MOVE ON and find someone who IS right for you.
Okay. Here's what you need to do. Go sit down with a piece of paper. List out everything that your ideal relationship would be like. List out everything that your ideal man would be like. List out how you would feel like in your ideal relationship. Do the same for this guy. Compare them. I'll bet you'll find that very few of the points match up. You don't need to find a guy who fits them all -- you need to find a guy who fits most of them. And you WILL know when you've found him. Please, please, don't settle. It's the worst thing you can do to yourself because you'll never be happy. It's worse than being lonely because at least when you're lonely you can still find happiness.
And lastly: It's okay to be lonely. It's okay to feel pain. It's something you need to go through to get to a better place. Just trust that you'll reach that better place.
And hey, if you need someone to talk to, MeMail me. I have a webcam :)
posted by DoubleLune at 9:16 PM on March 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
Okay. Here's what you need to do. Go sit down with a piece of paper. List out everything that your ideal relationship would be like. List out everything that your ideal man would be like. List out how you would feel like in your ideal relationship. Do the same for this guy. Compare them. I'll bet you'll find that very few of the points match up. You don't need to find a guy who fits them all -- you need to find a guy who fits most of them. And you WILL know when you've found him. Please, please, don't settle. It's the worst thing you can do to yourself because you'll never be happy. It's worse than being lonely because at least when you're lonely you can still find happiness.
And lastly: It's okay to be lonely. It's okay to feel pain. It's something you need to go through to get to a better place. Just trust that you'll reach that better place.
And hey, if you need someone to talk to, MeMail me. I have a webcam :)
posted by DoubleLune at 9:16 PM on March 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
Really, I hate to keep harping on this. If I had a friend who I could sit with in a coffee shop and talk about this for 4 hours, I would be there with a chai tea latte in my hand right now. But I don't. So, I turn to the internet yet again.
Please don't ever sit in a coffeeshop with anyone and go on and on about this guy for four hours at a time, even if you can find someone who will do that with you. It would be a huge waste of time for both of you and resolve nothing. And it may cost you friendships. In my twenties I had a friend who could do nothing but go on and on about her dead-end relationships. She never did anything constructive about these relationships, such as leaving the guy or even going to counselling, or coming up with any plan of action, she just complained about them ad nauseum and expected the situation/guy in question to magically change. She and I aren't friends anymore. And from what I was hearing from her about her other friends and the kind of things they were saying to her about her problems, I wasn't the only one who was completely fed up. It's wrong to use friends as counsellors and expect them listen to you keep hashing over the same issues for hours on end. They aren't trained counsellors and won't be effective, and it'll just frustrate you both.
At this point, I'm thinking, now that you've posted what is essentially the same question several times only to receive exactly the same answers that you aren't putting to any practical use, that you need professional counselling. You need to learn some life skills, among which are: how to tell the difference between a good relationship and a bad one; how to derive a sense of self-worth that has nothing to do with whether you have a guy on your arm; how to find good people to be involved with; how to develop good relationships with good people once you find them; what you can and can't expect from friends and boyfriends; and how to be practical and pragmatic and take positive, concrete steps to work through issues constructively rather than simply muddling along in an introspective fog. A good therapist can help you with these things and will expect you to make actual progress rather than enabling you to stay in the same old rut as a kind and indulgent friend might do.
Come on, honey, you need to expect more of yourself, to break free from this mental rut, and to get on with your life.
posted by orange swan at 9:55 PM on March 16, 2012 [17 favorites]
Please don't ever sit in a coffeeshop with anyone and go on and on about this guy for four hours at a time, even if you can find someone who will do that with you. It would be a huge waste of time for both of you and resolve nothing. And it may cost you friendships. In my twenties I had a friend who could do nothing but go on and on about her dead-end relationships. She never did anything constructive about these relationships, such as leaving the guy or even going to counselling, or coming up with any plan of action, she just complained about them ad nauseum and expected the situation/guy in question to magically change. She and I aren't friends anymore. And from what I was hearing from her about her other friends and the kind of things they were saying to her about her problems, I wasn't the only one who was completely fed up. It's wrong to use friends as counsellors and expect them listen to you keep hashing over the same issues for hours on end. They aren't trained counsellors and won't be effective, and it'll just frustrate you both.
At this point, I'm thinking, now that you've posted what is essentially the same question several times only to receive exactly the same answers that you aren't putting to any practical use, that you need professional counselling. You need to learn some life skills, among which are: how to tell the difference between a good relationship and a bad one; how to derive a sense of self-worth that has nothing to do with whether you have a guy on your arm; how to find good people to be involved with; how to develop good relationships with good people once you find them; what you can and can't expect from friends and boyfriends; and how to be practical and pragmatic and take positive, concrete steps to work through issues constructively rather than simply muddling along in an introspective fog. A good therapist can help you with these things and will expect you to make actual progress rather than enabling you to stay in the same old rut as a kind and indulgent friend might do.
Come on, honey, you need to expect more of yourself, to break free from this mental rut, and to get on with your life.
posted by orange swan at 9:55 PM on March 16, 2012 [17 favorites]
Please listen to meese. I have been lonely too, and have stayed in bad relationships to avoid feeling the far worse pain of being on my own. But I have since learned to be OK (not comfortable, but OK) with my loneliness. Made friends with it. And I've slowly made actual live human friends, and that has seriously tamped down the fires of relationship-related anxiety.
posted by guybrush_threepwood at 10:44 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by guybrush_threepwood at 10:44 PM on March 16, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I don't think it's about money. And if I'm right, it's not shallow at all.
When you look towards the future, do you want to partner with someone who you have to keep pushing to do the cool things you want to do, or do you want to partner with someone who's equally as excited and who comes up with awesome plans of their own to share with you? I think you're frustrated because you want be the kind of person who goes out and does things, and maybe he does too, but only in idea. That's a compatibility issue that's more about outlook than money. People engage with the world at different levels (which is fine), but your romantic partner better match your speed.
It sounds like you regard this guy as a good person who you can talk to openly, and who fulfills some of your basic emotional needs. Great. These are requirements of a good friend. I think a romantic partner rightly requires more.
Perhaps the lack of other good friends is holding you back from finally breaking up. It sounds like this guy fulfills some of the roles of a good friend--you can talk openly with him, he's a good person, and he takes care of some basic emotional needs--and maybe you're afraid of losing that. If that's the case, I'd advise you to throw yourself into some of these fun activities that you've wanted to do, and look for opportunities that aren't one-off. As in, apply for an art history class or enroll in a film society that throws events or whatever truly interests you. Don't be afraid to do them alone, since there will be others like you. By default, you'll meet people who are interested in doing things the way you are, and you'll find like-minded people who would enjoy sitting at a cafe with you for four hours over a chai.
posted by melancholyplay at 10:51 PM on March 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
When you look towards the future, do you want to partner with someone who you have to keep pushing to do the cool things you want to do, or do you want to partner with someone who's equally as excited and who comes up with awesome plans of their own to share with you? I think you're frustrated because you want be the kind of person who goes out and does things, and maybe he does too, but only in idea. That's a compatibility issue that's more about outlook than money. People engage with the world at different levels (which is fine), but your romantic partner better match your speed.
It sounds like you regard this guy as a good person who you can talk to openly, and who fulfills some of your basic emotional needs. Great. These are requirements of a good friend. I think a romantic partner rightly requires more.
Perhaps the lack of other good friends is holding you back from finally breaking up. It sounds like this guy fulfills some of the roles of a good friend--you can talk openly with him, he's a good person, and he takes care of some basic emotional needs--and maybe you're afraid of losing that. If that's the case, I'd advise you to throw yourself into some of these fun activities that you've wanted to do, and look for opportunities that aren't one-off. As in, apply for an art history class or enroll in a film society that throws events or whatever truly interests you. Don't be afraid to do them alone, since there will be others like you. By default, you'll meet people who are interested in doing things the way you are, and you'll find like-minded people who would enjoy sitting at a cafe with you for four hours over a chai.
posted by melancholyplay at 10:51 PM on March 16, 2012 [4 favorites]
Just for the record, the number one "thing" couples tend to argue about on a frequent basis is money.
posted by Under the Sea at 1:40 AM on March 17, 2012
posted by Under the Sea at 1:40 AM on March 17, 2012
Being single for a time is not a fate worse than death; in fact, it can be pretty awesome. ...And it sounds a heck of a lot better than your current relationship. Move on.
posted by smirkette at 8:28 AM on March 17, 2012
posted by smirkette at 8:28 AM on March 17, 2012
You must find somebody who likes things you do. IF you really like to go to museums , ballet things like that and he likes to go smoke pot you are no way compatible.
From how old you seem like you are money is not a big deal in relationships yet.
I see it as you should break up with him and ignore him. Delete his numbers off your phone. dont even drive down his block. Its better in the long run.
posted by majortom1981 at 11:07 AM on March 17, 2012
From how old you seem like you are money is not a big deal in relationships yet.
I see it as you should break up with him and ignore him. Delete his numbers off your phone. dont even drive down his block. Its better in the long run.
posted by majortom1981 at 11:07 AM on March 17, 2012
Even if this were the last man on earth, I would give you permission to break up with him. This is not about money, this is about your being unable to see a life without him. Go forth and be single.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 11:36 AM on March 17, 2012
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 11:36 AM on March 17, 2012
Best answer: You sound like a thoughtful, intelligent, lovely person! It makes me sad that you are doubting yourself so harshly. When you don't feel good about yourself, it's hard to stick to any decision because the voices of guilt and doubt can be so loud.
I read your comment about walking alone in Paris and how you "feel more able to absorb experiences when [you] don't feel obligated to verbalize [your] thoughts". And I feel exactly the same way. And the reason for that is that I am introverted. And I'm still learning to realize that introverts are just as valuable in society as extroverts.
Because you are able to enjoy your own company I suggest you check out quirkyalone and watch this amazing TED talk about "The Power of Introverts."
Also, meese is so right that you need to make friends before you start dating. And yes, this can be amazingly difficult, just as dating can be difficult. But once you find good friends who value you and share your interests, you may find that you don't even worry about being alone.
posted by costanza at 1:39 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
I read your comment about walking alone in Paris and how you "feel more able to absorb experiences when [you] don't feel obligated to verbalize [your] thoughts". And I feel exactly the same way. And the reason for that is that I am introverted. And I'm still learning to realize that introverts are just as valuable in society as extroverts.
Because you are able to enjoy your own company I suggest you check out quirkyalone and watch this amazing TED talk about "The Power of Introverts."
Also, meese is so right that you need to make friends before you start dating. And yes, this can be amazingly difficult, just as dating can be difficult. But once you find good friends who value you and share your interests, you may find that you don't even worry about being alone.
posted by costanza at 1:39 PM on March 17, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think the problem is you don't have any friends. And you're bored.
Next time you feel like asking a question like this, go whale watching or to a museum. You can probably make a few friends that way. And you won't have to spend 4 hours beating the dead horse of your relationship over a chai latte with those friends because you'll want to keep them, and you'll have more interesting things to talk about.
Agonising about your shitty relationship with some loser is not a good use of your time right now.
posted by tel3path at 5:41 AM on March 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
Next time you feel like asking a question like this, go whale watching or to a museum. You can probably make a few friends that way. And you won't have to spend 4 hours beating the dead horse of your relationship over a chai latte with those friends because you'll want to keep them, and you'll have more interesting things to talk about.
Agonising about your shitty relationship with some loser is not a good use of your time right now.
posted by tel3path at 5:41 AM on March 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
I've kept up with all of your previous threads and I couldn't believe my eyes to see you'd considered this oaf again! This is re: getting friends because I agree with the others that this is a key component of your boyfriend issue.
In any case, I was searching Craigslist the other day for tennis partners and was delighted to find that the "platonic women seeking women" section is filled with totally sweet girls who have also simply found it difficult to find some close girl friends for whatever reason. A lot of them have become isolated due to their long term relationships (boyfriends through whom you could later meet totally dateable dudes), some of them just didn't end up with a Sex and the City type troupe and others just want to branch out. My suggestion is to stop relying on this guy and do some of the awesome things you listed (museum, movies, symphony) with some girls who want the same!
posted by thebots at 11:38 AM on March 18, 2012
In any case, I was searching Craigslist the other day for tennis partners and was delighted to find that the "platonic women seeking women" section is filled with totally sweet girls who have also simply found it difficult to find some close girl friends for whatever reason. A lot of them have become isolated due to their long term relationships (boyfriends through whom you could later meet totally dateable dudes), some of them just didn't end up with a Sex and the City type troupe and others just want to branch out. My suggestion is to stop relying on this guy and do some of the awesome things you listed (museum, movies, symphony) with some girls who want the same!
posted by thebots at 11:38 AM on March 18, 2012
My suggestion is to stop relying on this guy and do some of the awesome things you listed (museum, movies, symphony) with some girls who want the same!
I agree with this. I strongly think your energies toward socializing would be more usefully spent working on finding friendships, rather than dating at this point. I have a hunch that if your social life itself felt fuller and more satisfying for you, then you won't be inclined to see dating as something that fills up a void in your life. Dating, for me, was always most successful and enjoyable when my own life was already pretty full and when I was feeling good about myself from the inside out. When you are confident and happy in and of yourself, pursuing the life you want to live on your own terms, you will naturally attract other people who are confident and happy, and who will respond positively to the type of life you are leading.
posted by scody at 12:19 PM on March 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
I agree with this. I strongly think your energies toward socializing would be more usefully spent working on finding friendships, rather than dating at this point. I have a hunch that if your social life itself felt fuller and more satisfying for you, then you won't be inclined to see dating as something that fills up a void in your life. Dating, for me, was always most successful and enjoyable when my own life was already pretty full and when I was feeling good about myself from the inside out. When you are confident and happy in and of yourself, pursuing the life you want to live on your own terms, you will naturally attract other people who are confident and happy, and who will respond positively to the type of life you are leading.
posted by scody at 12:19 PM on March 18, 2012 [2 favorites]
(sorry, hit "post" too soon!)
The process of branching out in your social life, and finding happiness from within -- I won't lie: this is not an easy or quick thing to do. It's actually a process; at times it can be real work, and there aren't a lot of shortcuts. But it's ultimately very rewarding work that pays great dividends, personally and emotionally, down the road.
posted by scody at 12:23 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
The process of branching out in your social life, and finding happiness from within -- I won't lie: this is not an easy or quick thing to do. It's actually a process; at times it can be real work, and there aren't a lot of shortcuts. But it's ultimately very rewarding work that pays great dividends, personally and emotionally, down the road.
posted by scody at 12:23 PM on March 18, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have a stutter and mood swings that I cannot change, and part of my hesitancy in breaking up with him was being worried that I would never find another guy who would put up with those things.
I just. What. These are very innocuous personal issues that millions of people, if not billions at this point, all over the world have and there is nothing about either one of these things that makes you undateable. Furthermore, you are 23 years old and have literally an entire lifetime ahead of you to meet hundreds of new people, some of whom you will fall in love with and have fantastic relationships with. Seriously. Barring the extermination of the human race via zombie apocalypse, you will absolutely meet someone else better.
Also, you can look at it this way - your fairly worthless, boring, selfish, crusty smelly ex was able to find someone (you), so why wouldn't you, who are demonstrably none of those things, in turn be able to find someone?
posted by elizardbits at 4:32 PM on March 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
I just. What. These are very innocuous personal issues that millions of people, if not billions at this point, all over the world have and there is nothing about either one of these things that makes you undateable. Furthermore, you are 23 years old and have literally an entire lifetime ahead of you to meet hundreds of new people, some of whom you will fall in love with and have fantastic relationships with. Seriously. Barring the extermination of the human race via zombie apocalypse, you will absolutely meet someone else better.
Also, you can look at it this way - your fairly worthless, boring, selfish, crusty smelly ex was able to find someone (you), so why wouldn't you, who are demonstrably none of those things, in turn be able to find someone?
posted by elizardbits at 4:32 PM on March 18, 2012 [4 favorites]
The reason you should not engage in "low-grade dating" is because when you date, the focus tends to naturally move into a one-person focus. You need to be focusing on finding lots of people, not putting your eggs into one basket.
I agree with those who say you are lonely, and that friends & activities are a better medicine right now than a guy. I would also add, you are also not in a good enough place to make good choices about guys. It's more like you're using them as your first-aid kit to try to make the pain go away. So if that's the right move, why are you still in pain?
It's easy enough to say, "well, I got the wrong guy," but then you're going out & grabbing the next one off the shelf, without taking some time to do the legwork that gets you a better model. And that legwork is getting yourself to a place where you are happier socially. Get some face-to-face friends, instead of listening to relative strangers say flattering things about you for ulterior motives.
These guys aren't fixes; they're distractions from the real problem.
posted by Ys at 7:08 AM on March 25, 2012
I agree with those who say you are lonely, and that friends & activities are a better medicine right now than a guy. I would also add, you are also not in a good enough place to make good choices about guys. It's more like you're using them as your first-aid kit to try to make the pain go away. So if that's the right move, why are you still in pain?
It's easy enough to say, "well, I got the wrong guy," but then you're going out & grabbing the next one off the shelf, without taking some time to do the legwork that gets you a better model. And that legwork is getting yourself to a place where you are happier socially. Get some face-to-face friends, instead of listening to relative strangers say flattering things about you for ulterior motives.
These guys aren't fixes; they're distractions from the real problem.
posted by Ys at 7:08 AM on March 25, 2012
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:26 PM on March 16, 2012 [18 favorites]