I broke up and yet I am unable to get past it.
March 14, 2012 2:10 PM Subscribe
It has been a month since the relationship with my ex-gf ended. It lasted only 10mos but it was intense and had its major ups and downs in this short span. There is a reason it didn't work but I still can't process and feel weak and shitty about myself.
I posted about this some weeks ago and the advice I got was to end it. It has ended, in a rather nasty way (about a month ago). Deep inside I know our relationship would have struggled or disintegrated at some point and I did the right thing (for me and her) but I can't see it right now, this close in time and space to the disaster. We had some great moments but a lot of tumultuous times too (including nasty fights, raised voices, and a breakup too mid last year). I loved her at one point but her extreme reaction and anger to minor things at times, really killed it inside me over time. She became nasty and ill-tempered in those moments. Later on, she would calm down and be the nicest person ever. She really was good when she was good, very loving and doting, but over time, I started to fear her reactions and would balk at the thought of discussing problems. I was affectionate till the end and I would have always been but that deep connection was gone. From some reading I've done, I have a nagging feeling she has a mild form of borderline personality disorder.
Inarguably, I have done her more wrong when I broke up somewhat abruptly and I don't feel good about myself for it. But I knew it would just drag on and be a slow and painful breakup otherwise. However, in the aftermath of it, she has said things to me that have really had an effect on me. She pointed out all my weakness over and over, called me a man without integrity, warned me that I will come to regret this one day, that I'll never find anyone who loves me this much, that I am a weak man, that I had ruined her life. My self-confidence and esteem have taken a hit now. I don't want this to take root.
A couple weeks ago, I saw her FB status read she's having the time of her life figuring out what's next. I texted her and said I'm glad she's moving on, it's good for her but why did she give me so much shit for it and he response was "leave me alone, i've met someone really nice" (this was literally a few days after she gave me a ton of shit for being a bad person and ruining her life). Essentially she spewed venom at me for breaking up and then asked me if we can lose all the bitterness.
I'm really at loss for how to cope with all this.
I posted about this some weeks ago and the advice I got was to end it. It has ended, in a rather nasty way (about a month ago). Deep inside I know our relationship would have struggled or disintegrated at some point and I did the right thing (for me and her) but I can't see it right now, this close in time and space to the disaster. We had some great moments but a lot of tumultuous times too (including nasty fights, raised voices, and a breakup too mid last year). I loved her at one point but her extreme reaction and anger to minor things at times, really killed it inside me over time. She became nasty and ill-tempered in those moments. Later on, she would calm down and be the nicest person ever. She really was good when she was good, very loving and doting, but over time, I started to fear her reactions and would balk at the thought of discussing problems. I was affectionate till the end and I would have always been but that deep connection was gone. From some reading I've done, I have a nagging feeling she has a mild form of borderline personality disorder.
Inarguably, I have done her more wrong when I broke up somewhat abruptly and I don't feel good about myself for it. But I knew it would just drag on and be a slow and painful breakup otherwise. However, in the aftermath of it, she has said things to me that have really had an effect on me. She pointed out all my weakness over and over, called me a man without integrity, warned me that I will come to regret this one day, that I'll never find anyone who loves me this much, that I am a weak man, that I had ruined her life. My self-confidence and esteem have taken a hit now. I don't want this to take root.
A couple weeks ago, I saw her FB status read she's having the time of her life figuring out what's next. I texted her and said I'm glad she's moving on, it's good for her but why did she give me so much shit for it and he response was "leave me alone, i've met someone really nice" (this was literally a few days after she gave me a ton of shit for being a bad person and ruining her life). Essentially she spewed venom at me for breaking up and then asked me if we can lose all the bitterness.
I'm really at loss for how to cope with all this.
What did someone say in that earlier thread that you marked best answer ? That she likes drama.
Block, ignore, walk away, exterminate (exterminate exterminate)..
posted by k5.user at 2:14 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Block, ignore, walk away, exterminate (exterminate exterminate)..
posted by k5.user at 2:14 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
She knows you feel guilty, and is using those feelings in an attempt to manipulate you. There are more than 6 billion other people on the planet that you can relate to. Walking away from this one person, un-friending, blocking, etc, is absolutely the best thing you can do for yourself.
posted by straw at 2:18 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by straw at 2:18 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
We had some great moments but a lot of tumultuous times too (including nasty fights, raised voices, and a breakup too mid last year). I loved her at one point but her extreme reaction and anger to minor things at times, really killed it inside me over time. She became nasty and ill-tempered in those moments. Later on, she would calm down and be the nicest person ever. She really was good when she was good, very loving and doting, but over time, I started to fear her reactions and would balk at the thought of discussing problems.
This is not a description of someone who was good for you. This is a description of someone who was trying to condition you.
Her parting shots were how she responded to you taking care of yourself and standing up for yourself. She did not have your best interests in mind when she was with you, and nothing has changed to put your best interests in mind since then.
You need time. And to understand that you did the right thing, absolutely the right thing by breaking up with her.
posted by gauche at 2:19 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
This is not a description of someone who was good for you. This is a description of someone who was trying to condition you.
Her parting shots were how she responded to you taking care of yourself and standing up for yourself. She did not have your best interests in mind when she was with you, and nothing has changed to put your best interests in mind since then.
You need time. And to understand that you did the right thing, absolutely the right thing by breaking up with her.
posted by gauche at 2:19 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Inarguably, I have done her more wrong when I broke up somewhat abruptly and I don't feel good about myself for it.
Sorry, but what's inarguable about this? The alternative to breaking up abruptly is what - dragging it out over weeks of "maybe I want to break up" or what?
She knew exactly which buttons of yours to push, and because she is not a kind person, she pushed them. You are not weak for breaking up with her. It does not mean you lack integrity. If anything, you've got it in spades, since you actually did the right thing of breaking up instead of sliding around like a weasel and making it so *she* had to break up with you. It's also a sign of being an actual adult that you take care of yourself.
Nthing the advice to block her everywhere you can. Go fling yourself into a new hobby or something really absorbing. This too shall pass. It really will.
posted by rtha at 2:21 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Sorry, but what's inarguable about this? The alternative to breaking up abruptly is what - dragging it out over weeks of "maybe I want to break up" or what?
She knew exactly which buttons of yours to push, and because she is not a kind person, she pushed them. You are not weak for breaking up with her. It does not mean you lack integrity. If anything, you've got it in spades, since you actually did the right thing of breaking up instead of sliding around like a weasel and making it so *she* had to break up with you. It's also a sign of being an actual adult that you take care of yourself.
Nthing the advice to block her everywhere you can. Go fling yourself into a new hobby or something really absorbing. This too shall pass. It really will.
posted by rtha at 2:21 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
She pointed out all my weakness over and over, called me a man without integrity, warned me that I will come to regret this one day, that I'll never find anyone who loves me this much, that I am a weak man, that I had ruined her life.
You know who talks like this? Fictional characters. Usually supervillains who have had their grand schemes toppled by Batman or Flash Gordon. A real, live human being whose opinion is worth internalizing does not go around telling people that they shall rue the day.
Cut off contact and go hang out with people who don't feel the need to yell at you.
posted by griphus at 2:22 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
You know who talks like this? Fictional characters. Usually supervillains who have had their grand schemes toppled by Batman or Flash Gordon. A real, live human being whose opinion is worth internalizing does not go around telling people that they shall rue the day.
Cut off contact and go hang out with people who don't feel the need to yell at you.
posted by griphus at 2:22 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
However, in the aftermath of it, she has said things to me that have really had an effect on me. She pointed out all my weakness over and over, called me a man without integrity, warned me that I will come to regret this one day, that I'll never find anyone who loves me this much, that I am a weak man, that I had ruined her life. My self-confidence and esteem have taken a hit now.
That is verbal and emotional abuse. Pretty much classic abuse with a bunch of the cliche lines. And the biggest reason that people engage in verbal and emotional abuse is to destroy the self-confidence and self-esteem of their targets and make them feel horrible.
It is totally normal and understandable that it has affected you -- if it wasn't effective at affecting people that way it wouldn't be as widespread and widely used by abusers as it is.
If it really is making you feel awful it might help to see a counselor, or it might help just to read books about healing after that kind of abuse.
I texted her and said I'm glad she's moving on, it's good for her but why did she give me so much shit for it and he response was "leave me alone, i've met someone really nice" (this was literally a few days after she gave me a ton of shit for being a bad person and ruining her life).
It is so, so rare that you can get a verbal abuser to apologize for what they did to you or acknowledge that it was wrong. The most common thing is either they will abuse you more, or they will deny it ever happened, or they will say it didn't happen but even if it did you drove them to it or you deserved it. In a case like this, where the person is not someone you ever have to see again (like a family member), I would recommend just not trying to get her to see the light, and just let it go.
By the way, a month is not at all an abnormally long amount of time to still be upset over something like this, or even over a garden variety breakup. Just keep moving forward and eventually it will be less and less.
posted by cairdeas at 2:24 PM on March 14, 2012 [12 favorites]
That is verbal and emotional abuse. Pretty much classic abuse with a bunch of the cliche lines. And the biggest reason that people engage in verbal and emotional abuse is to destroy the self-confidence and self-esteem of their targets and make them feel horrible.
It is totally normal and understandable that it has affected you -- if it wasn't effective at affecting people that way it wouldn't be as widespread and widely used by abusers as it is.
If it really is making you feel awful it might help to see a counselor, or it might help just to read books about healing after that kind of abuse.
I texted her and said I'm glad she's moving on, it's good for her but why did she give me so much shit for it and he response was "leave me alone, i've met someone really nice" (this was literally a few days after she gave me a ton of shit for being a bad person and ruining her life).
It is so, so rare that you can get a verbal abuser to apologize for what they did to you or acknowledge that it was wrong. The most common thing is either they will abuse you more, or they will deny it ever happened, or they will say it didn't happen but even if it did you drove them to it or you deserved it. In a case like this, where the person is not someone you ever have to see again (like a family member), I would recommend just not trying to get her to see the light, and just let it go.
By the way, a month is not at all an abnormally long amount of time to still be upset over something like this, or even over a garden variety breakup. Just keep moving forward and eventually it will be less and less.
posted by cairdeas at 2:24 PM on March 14, 2012 [12 favorites]
From some reading I've done, I have a nagging feeling she has a mild form of borderline personality disorder.
She probably does, but obsessively analyzing where it all went wrong and assigning blame is empahtically not what you need to be doing right now.
Inarguably, I have done her more wrong when I broke up somewhat abruptly and I don't feel good about myself for it. But I knew it would just drag on and be a slow and painful breakup otherwise.
These two statements are incompatible. You did her a favor by ending it before it became more painful. It's hard to break up and it takes courage. It's never "wronging" someone to break up with them. Free agents can leave relationships at any time. I mean, yes, maybe you said some things that you regret but we've all done that. The point is, if it helped you cut the cord, it was for the best anyway. And it's in the past now.
However, in the aftermath of it, she has said things to me that have really had an effect on me. She pointed out all my weakness over and over, called me a man without integrity, warned me that I will come to regret this one day, that I'll never find anyone who loves me this much, that I am a weak man, that I had ruined her life. My self-confidence and esteem have taken a hit now. I don't want this to take root.
Consider the source. Why are you listening to this? Hang up the phone. Delete the emails and texts. You should not be talking to her at all.
A couple weeks ago, I saw her FB status read she's having the time of her life figuring out what's next. I texted her and said I'm glad she's moving on, it's good for her but why did she give me so much shit for it and he response was "leave me alone, i've met someone really nice" (this was literally a few days after she gave me a ton of shit for being a bad person and ruining her life). Essentially she spewed venom at me for breaking up and then asked me if we can lose all the bitterness.
NOOOOOOOOO. You should not have contacted her. You should have blocked or deleted her facebook yesterday. Last week, even. Do it now.
I'm really at loss for how to cope with all this.
No contact, no contact, no contact.
posted by quincunx at 2:27 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
She probably does, but obsessively analyzing where it all went wrong and assigning blame is empahtically not what you need to be doing right now.
Inarguably, I have done her more wrong when I broke up somewhat abruptly and I don't feel good about myself for it. But I knew it would just drag on and be a slow and painful breakup otherwise.
These two statements are incompatible. You did her a favor by ending it before it became more painful. It's hard to break up and it takes courage. It's never "wronging" someone to break up with them. Free agents can leave relationships at any time. I mean, yes, maybe you said some things that you regret but we've all done that. The point is, if it helped you cut the cord, it was for the best anyway. And it's in the past now.
However, in the aftermath of it, she has said things to me that have really had an effect on me. She pointed out all my weakness over and over, called me a man without integrity, warned me that I will come to regret this one day, that I'll never find anyone who loves me this much, that I am a weak man, that I had ruined her life. My self-confidence and esteem have taken a hit now. I don't want this to take root.
Consider the source. Why are you listening to this? Hang up the phone. Delete the emails and texts. You should not be talking to her at all.
A couple weeks ago, I saw her FB status read she's having the time of her life figuring out what's next. I texted her and said I'm glad she's moving on, it's good for her but why did she give me so much shit for it and he response was "leave me alone, i've met someone really nice" (this was literally a few days after she gave me a ton of shit for being a bad person and ruining her life). Essentially she spewed venom at me for breaking up and then asked me if we can lose all the bitterness.
NOOOOOOOOO. You should not have contacted her. You should have blocked or deleted her facebook yesterday. Last week, even. Do it now.
I'm really at loss for how to cope with all this.
No contact, no contact, no contact.
posted by quincunx at 2:27 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
(To clarify, when I say "go hang out" I don't mean that in a figurative sense. I mean turn off the computer, call up some people you like, and go spend time with them in person.)
posted by griphus at 2:29 PM on March 14, 2012
posted by griphus at 2:29 PM on March 14, 2012
Nthing no contact, and nthing that this is textbook emotional abuse.
Part of you knows that this is no way at all to be treated. I think you can view your conflict over this as this part of you trying to break free of the patterns that have held it back if you choose to.
You can view this as something bad that happened to you, or you can view it as a situation where you made choices against your best interest. I think both of them are true, but it's the the second interpretation that offers you the potential to grow if you can identify those choices you made, and the warning signs that you ignored, and promise yourself that if you see them again, you'll react appropriately. There are books like The Gift of Fear that can help you with this.
Here's some self-talk:
She pointed out all my weakness over and over, called me a man without integrity,
She's revealing that she's dwelling on your weaknesses, and thinks they're the most worthwhile thing in the world to talk about with you, instead of the millions of other things she could talk to you about. She's making a conscious choice to ignore the positive. This doesn't reveal anything about you; it simply reveals that she's a nasty person.
warned me that I will come to regret this one day, that I'll never find anyone who loves me this much
You don't want anything to do with this person. You've made one of the best decisions you've ever made, and what she's offering you isn't love. It will be good for you if you never find anyone again who gives you what she's giving you.
that I am a weak man, that I had ruined her life.
Anyone who has put up with emotional abuse like this is strong, and you're strong for breaking free of the control she's tried to put you under. She wants you to be weak, but that doesn't make you weak.
Also, people break up all the time and come back. For her life to not get better after this requires a choice to stay "ruined" on her part. If you'd known she'd become so dependent upon you emotionally from the get-go, you probably wouldn't have gotten involved with her to begin with. The sort of dependency is not part of the deal with healthy people, and what put it in place is on her side of the line, not yours.
posted by alphanerd at 2:45 PM on March 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
Part of you knows that this is no way at all to be treated. I think you can view your conflict over this as this part of you trying to break free of the patterns that have held it back if you choose to.
You can view this as something bad that happened to you, or you can view it as a situation where you made choices against your best interest. I think both of them are true, but it's the the second interpretation that offers you the potential to grow if you can identify those choices you made, and the warning signs that you ignored, and promise yourself that if you see them again, you'll react appropriately. There are books like The Gift of Fear that can help you with this.
Here's some self-talk:
She pointed out all my weakness over and over, called me a man without integrity,
She's revealing that she's dwelling on your weaknesses, and thinks they're the most worthwhile thing in the world to talk about with you, instead of the millions of other things she could talk to you about. She's making a conscious choice to ignore the positive. This doesn't reveal anything about you; it simply reveals that she's a nasty person.
warned me that I will come to regret this one day, that I'll never find anyone who loves me this much
You don't want anything to do with this person. You've made one of the best decisions you've ever made, and what she's offering you isn't love. It will be good for you if you never find anyone again who gives you what she's giving you.
that I am a weak man, that I had ruined her life.
Anyone who has put up with emotional abuse like this is strong, and you're strong for breaking free of the control she's tried to put you under. She wants you to be weak, but that doesn't make you weak.
Also, people break up all the time and come back. For her life to not get better after this requires a choice to stay "ruined" on her part. If you'd known she'd become so dependent upon you emotionally from the get-go, you probably wouldn't have gotten involved with her to begin with. The sort of dependency is not part of the deal with healthy people, and what put it in place is on her side of the line, not yours.
posted by alphanerd at 2:45 PM on March 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
Essentially she spewed venom at me for breaking up and then asked me if we can lose all the bitterness.
Yeah, you dodged a bullet there. Give yourself permission to fully disengage from this toxic person.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:45 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
Yeah, you dodged a bullet there. Give yourself permission to fully disengage from this toxic person.
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:45 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
She is fishing for a reaction - any kind of reaction - from you in order to reassert control over the situation. Wherever she really falls on the spectrum from genuinely heartbroken to cynical manipulater, it doesn't matter; you've taken the judgement call to end this already, so you need to finish that process completely.
Cut those ties completely, try to spend some time focusing on your friends, your family and most of all yourself. Post-messy-breakup is one of the few times in life when a degree of being self-centred is a virtue.
posted by protorp at 3:03 PM on March 14, 2012
Cut those ties completely, try to spend some time focusing on your friends, your family and most of all yourself. Post-messy-breakup is one of the few times in life when a degree of being self-centred is a virtue.
posted by protorp at 3:03 PM on March 14, 2012
Not only should you remove her from your life (in all aspects), but you should also remind yourself that you had to do the best that you could in order to prevent things from escalating.
This girl CLEARLY likes drama. You two were incompatible for each other. You did not bring out the best in each other, she treated you terribly and this relationship had to end one way or another.
It can feel unfortunate, but certain relationships can't end on a positive note and this is one of them.
Cut your losses, spend time doing other things, remind yourself that you did the right thing for both of you because you did, you truly did, keep this with you as a life lesson, and move on.
posted by livinglearning at 3:16 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
This girl CLEARLY likes drama. You two were incompatible for each other. You did not bring out the best in each other, she treated you terribly and this relationship had to end one way or another.
It can feel unfortunate, but certain relationships can't end on a positive note and this is one of them.
Cut your losses, spend time doing other things, remind yourself that you did the right thing for both of you because you did, you truly did, keep this with you as a life lesson, and move on.
posted by livinglearning at 3:16 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
It hurts and isn't easy to accept that when you think this could have been *the* relationship (despite seeing signs otherwise), it goes all wrong and you realize the compatibility isn't there. Could have tried to make it work, but I am not sure it would have in the long run and just resulted in a more painful situation.
posted by blizkreeg at 3:35 PM on March 14, 2012
posted by blizkreeg at 3:35 PM on March 14, 2012
You could not have made it work. You could have suffered the abuse for the rest of your life. That's not making it work, that's you suffering.
You don't get anything out of that relationship, unless you place a really high value on feeling like a martyr. You don't, so you left.
Congratulations, you did the right thing. Don't dwell on it, move on.
posted by straw at 3:40 PM on March 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
You don't get anything out of that relationship, unless you place a really high value on feeling like a martyr. You don't, so you left.
Congratulations, you did the right thing. Don't dwell on it, move on.
posted by straw at 3:40 PM on March 14, 2012 [6 favorites]
It sounds like dumping her was a good idea. So you dumped her and she had a go at you. Not a surprise really, people get upset by being dumped, and are apt to be angry at the person dumping them - not much you can do about that except say your piece and get out. Fine - your problem here was taking to heart what she said when she was unhappy.
Then you followed her online. Then you got in touch with her to ask why she said she was happy online. This is pretty nasty behaviour; you don't get to hold people to some sort of standard of miserableness after you are done with them. Grow up and stay away from her.
posted by biffa at 3:40 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Then you followed her online. Then you got in touch with her to ask why she said she was happy online. This is pretty nasty behaviour; you don't get to hold people to some sort of standard of miserableness after you are done with them. Grow up and stay away from her.
posted by biffa at 3:40 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
This is not a description of someone who was good for you. This is a description of someone who was trying to condition you. oh god yes, what gauche said a thousand times.
And do not make the mistake of thinking because she knows your weak spots and how to push your buttons that somehow she "understands you." She learned those things by trial and error, not by insight. Drama queens use brute-force hacking in their relationships.
It's no wonder you feel weak and woozy - it's been a month. You need time to heal. You need time to learn how to live in a world where you're not with her.
Give yourself time.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:58 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
And do not make the mistake of thinking because she knows your weak spots and how to push your buttons that somehow she "understands you." She learned those things by trial and error, not by insight. Drama queens use brute-force hacking in their relationships.
It's no wonder you feel weak and woozy - it's been a month. You need time to heal. You need time to learn how to live in a world where you're not with her.
Give yourself time.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:58 PM on March 14, 2012 [1 favorite]
it goes all wrong and you realize the compatibility isn't there.
This wasn't about you not being compatible, this is about her being abusive. Like others have said, you dodged a bullet here.
Anger at her behavior is an appropriate response. Taking time to heal is a good idea. Cutting off all contact with her is a good idea. Contemplating how you want/deserve to be treated in the future may be a helpful exercise.
posted by Specklet at 4:09 PM on March 14, 2012
This wasn't about you not being compatible, this is about her being abusive. Like others have said, you dodged a bullet here.
Anger at her behavior is an appropriate response. Taking time to heal is a good idea. Cutting off all contact with her is a good idea. Contemplating how you want/deserve to be treated in the future may be a helpful exercise.
posted by Specklet at 4:09 PM on March 14, 2012
Don't let her continue to gut you. She's attacking you because it distracts her from thinking about her own part in the situation, and she can't handle seeing her own flaws. So she goes after you. It doesn't mean you are a terrible person like she says. Rather, it just means she needs to make you the bad guy to feel better about herself.
Don't take her personally. Go no contact, and focus on your own healing and recovery. Be good to yourself and hang out with positive friends. Soon you will get perspective and life will be better.
posted by griselda at 4:11 PM on March 14, 2012
Don't take her personally. Go no contact, and focus on your own healing and recovery. Be good to yourself and hang out with positive friends. Soon you will get perspective and life will be better.
posted by griselda at 4:11 PM on March 14, 2012
Look, you're angry at her. You're also confused: how could it go wrong? You didn't see it coming, and it's human when we make errors in calculation to try to figure it all out so we can avoid it in the future. These feelings are normal, expected and understandable. But the answer is really that there is no answer. She was wrong, you were wrong, you both were incompatible, there were good times and bad times, but it's over now. Period. You may still feel shocked and blindsided but it will wear off. You will learn from this, but you don't have to obsess over it to do so; you'll just remember in the future. So go outside, call a friend, go out to eat or see a movie, right now, and just forget about it for a while. Time heals. Let it do its thing.
posted by quincunx at 4:12 PM on March 14, 2012
posted by quincunx at 4:12 PM on March 14, 2012
A couple weeks ago, I saw her FB status read she's having the time of her life figuring out what's next.
Dude. That post was posing. Sour grapes. It was written solely for you. You were *supposed* to see it and have a reaction.
Please ignore her completely. She does not have your best interests at heart and more time spent talking to her is time spent sitting in a kryptonite chair. As hard as it is, GET AWAY. Spend time with your good friends and pick a hobby you've always been interested in. Learn to shred on the zither or sculpt or do handstands.
This is not forever. Pretend you are superman if it helps. Know that the more time you spend away from the kryptonite the better you will start to feel.
posted by bunderful at 5:18 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Dude. That post was posing. Sour grapes. It was written solely for you. You were *supposed* to see it and have a reaction.
Please ignore her completely. She does not have your best interests at heart and more time spent talking to her is time spent sitting in a kryptonite chair. As hard as it is, GET AWAY. Spend time with your good friends and pick a hobby you've always been interested in. Learn to shred on the zither or sculpt or do handstands.
This is not forever. Pretend you are superman if it helps. Know that the more time you spend away from the kryptonite the better you will start to feel.
posted by bunderful at 5:18 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
No contact. That means no contact. No initiating any form of contact or responding to any contact. From this point on.
So how do you stop analyzing this?
She is not healthy for you. She is destroying you in an attempt to make herself feel stronger. She is using you in order to make herself feel better. She is deliberately cutting you down so that you feel weaker than she is. She is not doing this as a means of self-protection from you, though. She is doing this out of bitterness and hurt.
But in a little bit of time, you will feel so much better not being around her. You will feel so fortunate that you have been given the opportunity to find love. You will be staggered somewhat to feel this way because you don't feel it right now.
Now you feel like crap. But you will get stronger and it will come from not being around her. It is your life - you're allowed to be healthy and okay.
posted by mleigh at 5:26 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
So how do you stop analyzing this?
She is not healthy for you. She is destroying you in an attempt to make herself feel stronger. She is using you in order to make herself feel better. She is deliberately cutting you down so that you feel weaker than she is. She is not doing this as a means of self-protection from you, though. She is doing this out of bitterness and hurt.
But in a little bit of time, you will feel so much better not being around her. You will feel so fortunate that you have been given the opportunity to find love. You will be staggered somewhat to feel this way because you don't feel it right now.
Now you feel like crap. But you will get stronger and it will come from not being around her. It is your life - you're allowed to be healthy and okay.
posted by mleigh at 5:26 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Just saw your last response after I hit post.
Here are things that might help you stop analyzing.
1. Recognize that you are trying to fix with your thoughts something that cannot be fixed with thoughts. Your brain knows you are hurting and wants to help, but it's just hurting you more.
2. Try the rubber band trick - put one on your wrist and snap it whenever you start to ruminate.
3. Meditation
4. Take a deep breath and start naming the objects near you. At times this has been magically effective for me (There's the bookcase. There's Little Women. That's The Beauty Myth. That's a photo of my mom.)
5. Therapy.
6. Do things you seriously love that completely capture your attention. Dancing, sports, music ...
Oh, and when you hang out with your friends either don't talk about her or severely limit the time you spend talking about her. Focus on what you are doing with your friends and on having an amazing time.
Also, un-friend her on FB if you haven't already.
posted by bunderful at 5:26 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Here are things that might help you stop analyzing.
1. Recognize that you are trying to fix with your thoughts something that cannot be fixed with thoughts. Your brain knows you are hurting and wants to help, but it's just hurting you more.
2. Try the rubber band trick - put one on your wrist and snap it whenever you start to ruminate.
3. Meditation
4. Take a deep breath and start naming the objects near you. At times this has been magically effective for me (There's the bookcase. There's Little Women. That's The Beauty Myth. That's a photo of my mom.)
5. Therapy.
6. Do things you seriously love that completely capture your attention. Dancing, sports, music ...
Oh, and when you hang out with your friends either don't talk about her or severely limit the time you spend talking about her. Focus on what you are doing with your friends and on having an amazing time.
Also, un-friend her on FB if you haven't already.
posted by bunderful at 5:26 PM on March 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
I wanted to drop back into this thread to pass on a very choice quote from this Cary Tennis column, about a woman who is conflicted about leaving her abusive husband. (The statement at the end addresses a criticism that is sometimes made of Cary, that he often isn't blunt.)
So when he complains of the pain you are causing him by leaving, think of it this way: For a man who has abused you to complain of the pain it causes him when you leave him only suggests that it is in his abuse of you itself that he finds pleasure and comfort. That is a chilling thought. But it is unavoidable: If the object of his abuse causes him pain when it disappears, then it must be in the abuse itself that he finds pleasure.
Is that blunt enough?
posted by alphanerd at 5:39 PM on March 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
So when he complains of the pain you are causing him by leaving, think of it this way: For a man who has abused you to complain of the pain it causes him when you leave him only suggests that it is in his abuse of you itself that he finds pleasure and comfort. That is a chilling thought. But it is unavoidable: If the object of his abuse causes him pain when it disappears, then it must be in the abuse itself that he finds pleasure.
Is that blunt enough?
posted by alphanerd at 5:39 PM on March 14, 2012 [7 favorites]
Have you blocked her number (or better, changed numbers) and taken away any outlet she might use to get in touch? Because my money is she will come back to pick at this wound again, possibly if the new thing in her life doesn't pan out how she would like (or for other reasons known only to her). She is not to be trusted right now.
Just because she's stopped for now doesn't mean she has stopped for good. Cut off those avenues preemptively. Protect yourself.
I dated this nutball for four months, and six months after we broke up he tracked down my previous ex-boyfriend to spill a bunch of very personal stuff and basically have an ex-boyfriend pity party, which, when I was told about it, really rattled my cage. Six. Months. At least five of those were with zero contact. The month before I had accidently bumped into him at the grocery store for two minutes, and he seemed fine.
Some people don't know how to let go. I think she's one of them.
How to stop analyzing:
In the case of the nutball, I realized that he was a nutball and there was no way of explaining or understanding why he brought so much drama into the simplest things. You think you'll feel better if you can analyze it, but it's a futile waste of time. Just give yourself a break for a while, do some fun things, and don't let what's-her-face come back in and rain on your parade. Other people are giving the same advice because plenty of us have been there.
posted by griselda at 6:09 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Just because she's stopped for now doesn't mean she has stopped for good. Cut off those avenues preemptively. Protect yourself.
I dated this nutball for four months, and six months after we broke up he tracked down my previous ex-boyfriend to spill a bunch of very personal stuff and basically have an ex-boyfriend pity party, which, when I was told about it, really rattled my cage. Six. Months. At least five of those were with zero contact. The month before I had accidently bumped into him at the grocery store for two minutes, and he seemed fine.
Some people don't know how to let go. I think she's one of them.
How to stop analyzing:
In the case of the nutball, I realized that he was a nutball and there was no way of explaining or understanding why he brought so much drama into the simplest things. You think you'll feel better if you can analyze it, but it's a futile waste of time. Just give yourself a break for a while, do some fun things, and don't let what's-her-face come back in and rain on your parade. Other people are giving the same advice because plenty of us have been there.
posted by griselda at 6:09 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
As a very embarassing aside, I actually got into a fender bender because I was so upset and distracted by nutball's refusal to leave me alone. I hit another car because I was thinking about that drama king and wtf his problem was.
So, yeah, I get that it's hard to stop ruminating. Trust me, it goes nowhere. Don't give her any more of your time or energy. Blockety-block-block, purgety-purge-purge.
posted by griselda at 6:22 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
So, yeah, I get that it's hard to stop ruminating. Trust me, it goes nowhere. Don't give her any more of your time or energy. Blockety-block-block, purgety-purge-purge.
posted by griselda at 6:22 PM on March 14, 2012 [4 favorites]
She would text me every day for days on end
This is your cue to block her number.
I think you might want to try to figure out, either through introspection or via therapy, why you "don't want to feel good" about breaking up with her, because as a total stranger here I can tell you that this was a wise and self-preserving decision on your part. You get to take care of you, you know?
If you don't get some more insight into why you don't respect your own boundaries more emphatically, my guess is that your next relationship might be more of the same.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:34 PM on March 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
This is your cue to block her number.
I think you might want to try to figure out, either through introspection or via therapy, why you "don't want to feel good" about breaking up with her, because as a total stranger here I can tell you that this was a wise and self-preserving decision on your part. You get to take care of you, you know?
If you don't get some more insight into why you don't respect your own boundaries more emphatically, my guess is that your next relationship might be more of the same.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:34 PM on March 14, 2012 [5 favorites]
Inarguably, I have done her more wrong when I broke up somewhat abruptly
That's totally arguable. You should argue it, and you should win that argument. You've done her a favour by showing her that the inevitable consequence of abusive behaviour is the loss of a relationship she valued.
All the nasty shit she's saying to you and about you is just her way of trying to deal with being dumped. Do her another favour; make it easier for her to get over it as quickly as possible by CUTTING OFF ALL CONTACT. As the dumper, it's on you to do, enforce and maintain this until such time as both of you can see each other as just people instead of smashed and broken images of The One.
posted by flabdablet at 7:49 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
That's totally arguable. You should argue it, and you should win that argument. You've done her a favour by showing her that the inevitable consequence of abusive behaviour is the loss of a relationship she valued.
All the nasty shit she's saying to you and about you is just her way of trying to deal with being dumped. Do her another favour; make it easier for her to get over it as quickly as possible by CUTTING OFF ALL CONTACT. As the dumper, it's on you to do, enforce and maintain this until such time as both of you can see each other as just people instead of smashed and broken images of The One.
posted by flabdablet at 7:49 PM on March 14, 2012 [3 favorites]
Tough love - you broke up, it's over. You made a reasoned, well thought out decision to end this relationship. Now move on, or you're going to end up getting back together with her somehow and we'll be having this same talk in like 6 months.
As for the what ifs, maybe it could have been "the one", but it wasn't and it isn't. And that just is.
Cut off contact, and change your number if you need to. Seriously. Don't worry about what she's doing or not doing, or what she said or did in the past and how her current behavior is inconsistent with something else she did or said. What difference does it really make to you? It shouldn't make any.
You broke up with someone you once thought was amazing, and she said nasty things to you, apparently a lot of them. This breakup, that relationship, her words shouldn't be defining you. Go focus on the things that make you feel better about yourself and leave this behind.
posted by mrs. taters at 8:00 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
As for the what ifs, maybe it could have been "the one", but it wasn't and it isn't. And that just is.
Cut off contact, and change your number if you need to. Seriously. Don't worry about what she's doing or not doing, or what she said or did in the past and how her current behavior is inconsistent with something else she did or said. What difference does it really make to you? It shouldn't make any.
You broke up with someone you once thought was amazing, and she said nasty things to you, apparently a lot of them. This breakup, that relationship, her words shouldn't be defining you. Go focus on the things that make you feel better about yourself and leave this behind.
posted by mrs. taters at 8:00 AM on March 15, 2012 [2 favorites]
She pointed out all my weakness over and over, called me a man without integrity, warned me that I will come to regret this one day, that I'll never find anyone who loves me this much, that I am a weak man, that I had ruined her life
Run, don't walk. Run run run. Keep running until you've forgotten what you were running from. You dodged a bullet by breaking up, but the shooter's still wandering around downtown, and mad.
posted by ead at 8:31 AM on March 15, 2012 [4 favorites]
Run, don't walk. Run run run. Keep running until you've forgotten what you were running from. You dodged a bullet by breaking up, but the shooter's still wandering around downtown, and mad.
posted by ead at 8:31 AM on March 15, 2012 [4 favorites]
Nonacceptance is always suffering, no matter what you are not accepting. Acceptance is always freedom, no matter what you are accepting - Cheri Huber.
posted by cynicalidealist at 5:10 PM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by cynicalidealist at 5:10 PM on March 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brainmouse at 2:12 PM on March 14, 2012 [18 favorites]