How do I get my family to move out?
March 7, 2012 2:42 PM Subscribe
What is the best way to tell my mom that I want my house to myself by this time next year?
I feel bad thinking it and maybe it is rude but I want my mom (and siblings) to move out*.
I bought my house and they moved in with me. Since then (its been nearly a few years now) they (my two siblings (20 and 28 this year) have helped with bills (the older one doesn't do so without making it a huge deal so I'm still not okay asking) but have also made me unhappy a lot of the time. I can go further into the specifics if needed but for the most part I'm just ready to be on my own.
The main reasons I'm hesitant is because I don't want to add more stress. My mother is going through a physical ailment that is bad enough that she's not working, has every other day chiropractor appointments and I'm urging her to go for disability. My younger sister doesn't make enough money to save towards moving and my older sister plans to move out and take care of herself once she saves more money so the other two would need much help including transportation, better income, housing.
I also work nights and though my one year old sleeps most of the night, I do like that they watch him while I'm gone. I also like that he is growing up with his grandmother and his aunts right there.
My mother has always liked the idea of a family living together and helping each other for the long haul but to be honest, I'm not into that and never have been. I thought it was temporary. I want to raise my son myself without having her second guess me, go over my head on things or talk down about my choices beyond him as well. I want my house to myself and I think a year is good prep time.
Should I bring this up to them? How do I make it sound not optional? How do I start? Whenever I talk to them would be the date the next year maybe.
Financially, I'm working more now within the last month and so I'm able to start taking care of my bills, build my savings, pay off my debts. Before next year, I should be in a good position to take care of myself and my son on my own.
*I don't just want them to move out, I do want them to move out and be stable so I don't find myself taking care of two households.
I feel bad thinking it and maybe it is rude but I want my mom (and siblings) to move out*.
I bought my house and they moved in with me. Since then (its been nearly a few years now) they (my two siblings (20 and 28 this year) have helped with bills (the older one doesn't do so without making it a huge deal so I'm still not okay asking) but have also made me unhappy a lot of the time. I can go further into the specifics if needed but for the most part I'm just ready to be on my own.
The main reasons I'm hesitant is because I don't want to add more stress. My mother is going through a physical ailment that is bad enough that she's not working, has every other day chiropractor appointments and I'm urging her to go for disability. My younger sister doesn't make enough money to save towards moving and my older sister plans to move out and take care of herself once she saves more money so the other two would need much help including transportation, better income, housing.
I also work nights and though my one year old sleeps most of the night, I do like that they watch him while I'm gone. I also like that he is growing up with his grandmother and his aunts right there.
My mother has always liked the idea of a family living together and helping each other for the long haul but to be honest, I'm not into that and never have been. I thought it was temporary. I want to raise my son myself without having her second guess me, go over my head on things or talk down about my choices beyond him as well. I want my house to myself and I think a year is good prep time.
Should I bring this up to them? How do I make it sound not optional? How do I start? Whenever I talk to them would be the date the next year maybe.
Financially, I'm working more now within the last month and so I'm able to start taking care of my bills, build my savings, pay off my debts. Before next year, I should be in a good position to take care of myself and my son on my own.
*I don't just want them to move out, I do want them to move out and be stable so I don't find myself taking care of two households.
Should I bring this up to them?
Yes.
How do I make it sound not optional?
"Mom, sisters, I've enjoyed having you here with me and that you've been so close to my son. But I think it's time for us to start planning for the future and where you'll be moving to. You haven't done anything to upset me, but I never planned for this to be a permanent situation. I'd like to come up with a concrete plan for us all so that you can move out and be stable by next March."
Notice that doesn't "explain" or "justify" anything. You don't have anything to explain or justify though they will probably try to get you to. Then you will want to create things in writing.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:03 PM on March 7, 2012 [18 favorites]
Yes.
How do I make it sound not optional?
"Mom, sisters, I've enjoyed having you here with me and that you've been so close to my son. But I think it's time for us to start planning for the future and where you'll be moving to. You haven't done anything to upset me, but I never planned for this to be a permanent situation. I'd like to come up with a concrete plan for us all so that you can move out and be stable by next March."
Notice that doesn't "explain" or "justify" anything. You don't have anything to explain or justify though they will probably try to get you to. Then you will want to create things in writing.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:03 PM on March 7, 2012 [18 favorites]
Given that they're living in your house, it's reasonable to ask nicely about each of your family members' plans for eventually moving out and then inquire about their finances and review them (together) in order to make a more concrete moving out plan.
Then you can see what's viable - whether e.g. a 1 yr. timeframe might cause hardship or merely inconvenience.
There might be different timeframes that are reasonable for each specific case:
The older sister could perhaps move out on a faster schedule
The younger could be asked to live somewhere cheaply with roommates
The more difficult situation sounds like your mother. Perhaps you might have hard dates for making progress - e.g., a hard date for applying for disability, but treat that process with somewhat more flexibility depending on intermediate results as opposed to announcing a drop-dead move-out date.
Good luck!
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 3:11 PM on March 7, 2012
Then you can see what's viable - whether e.g. a 1 yr. timeframe might cause hardship or merely inconvenience.
There might be different timeframes that are reasonable for each specific case:
The older sister could perhaps move out on a faster schedule
The younger could be asked to live somewhere cheaply with roommates
The more difficult situation sounds like your mother. Perhaps you might have hard dates for making progress - e.g., a hard date for applying for disability, but treat that process with somewhat more flexibility depending on intermediate results as opposed to announcing a drop-dead move-out date.
Good luck!
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 3:11 PM on March 7, 2012
Can you put the house on the market? Sell the house, everyone moves out, then you buy another one later.
If you get resistance this may be an option.
posted by andreap at 4:20 PM on March 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you get resistance this may be an option.
posted by andreap at 4:20 PM on March 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
Do not, whatever you do, offer to help them with their bills when they move out! Offer budgeting help, sure, but NOT money or financial assistance of any sort.
And if all else fails, do as andreap suggests and sell this house.
posted by easily confused at 5:03 PM on March 7, 2012 [3 favorites]
And if all else fails, do as andreap suggests and sell this house.
posted by easily confused at 5:03 PM on March 7, 2012 [3 favorites]
I just want to say you sound sane, secure and sure of yourself. That is wonderful; hold on to it! The advice above is good, but having grown up in that same kind of atmosphere (the whole crowd under one roof, annoying, but I kind of loved it and missed it when it was gone) I can tell you to find your "script" that you can own and deliver with power and ownership and never deviate from it. Paste a smile on your face, be kind, be understanding, but keep the image of Your House, Your Kid, Your Autonomy in mind. And keep on keeping on with that, even when your child needs a sitter, or you want to come home to clean laundry and mom cooking dinner. It's hard, but it's worth it -- mostly. Good luck. Again, you sound strong!
posted by thinkpiece at 5:18 PM on March 7, 2012
posted by thinkpiece at 5:18 PM on March 7, 2012
If your family moved in so easily, you need to get a lot better at creating boundaries. You bought a house, and you deserve to live in it as you choose. Find a time when they're all present, and announce new rules.
1. Everybody contributes. They pay rent to help you pay the mortgage, they pay a share of the utilities, they buy food. No exceptions. Mom should be on disability if she can't work. This will help you save, and help them get accustomed to paying bills, in preparation for moving out.
2. You either swap childcare for part of rent, or find childcare.
3. Mom and sisters agree to respect your child-raising choices, just as you accept their life choices.
4. You have a goal of living on your own, and you will help them plan to move, but you will be lining on your own by Jan. 1, 2013.
posted by theora55 at 5:29 PM on March 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
1. Everybody contributes. They pay rent to help you pay the mortgage, they pay a share of the utilities, they buy food. No exceptions. Mom should be on disability if she can't work. This will help you save, and help them get accustomed to paying bills, in preparation for moving out.
2. You either swap childcare for part of rent, or find childcare.
3. Mom and sisters agree to respect your child-raising choices, just as you accept their life choices.
4. You have a goal of living on your own, and you will help them plan to move, but you will be lining on your own by Jan. 1, 2013.
posted by theora55 at 5:29 PM on March 7, 2012 [2 favorites]
I think selling your house to get rid of your family is a bad idea. You're going to have to man up and be honest with everyone. I also disagree with theora55, I would let them keep their money (within reason) so that they can move out. It doesn't make sense to make them pay more rent or other expenses if it will lessen their ability to save for moving. However, if you older sister, who appears better able to pay rent is balking at paying her share, she needs to leave sooner.
I would just say, "I love you all very much and appreciate the help you've given me with my son but I want to live on my own. I'm giving everyone a year to get themselves together. Mom, I know you have health issues but you really need to finalize your disability arrangements and start looking into assisted living or other affordable senior housing. Little sister, I know you don't make much money but you need to get your financial house in order, maybe that means a new, higher paying job or a second job, and maybe you should think about moving in with a friend or a roommate. Big sister, you're not really helping out and you complain every time I ask you to pay any household expenses. I need you to pay $x per month until you leave this time next year when mom and little sister move out or you can pay me nothing and move out in 3 months; it's your choice. What do you want to do?"
Any questions about why you're doing this should be met with, "I'm a grownup and I want to live on my own." You might want to have this conversation before you leave for work so that you're not there to be badgered and so they can digest what you've told them. You're not running way but removing yourself from the situation. If anyone has anything to say, remind them that they have until March and end the conversation right there.
Help your mother get her disability and get on a waiting list for housing, if necessary. Keep an eye out for a better paying job for your sister. Don't make it your job to make all the arrangements for everyone but be helpful. Keep reminding people of the deadline, not in a mean way, but so they don't think you've changed your mind. If you're out shopping with your sister and you see dishes on sale, you can say, "those are nice and that's a good price, you're going to need dishes when you move out." And for gift giving occasions, give things they'll need to set up house. Be kind but firm.
posted by shoesietart at 6:37 PM on March 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would just say, "I love you all very much and appreciate the help you've given me with my son but I want to live on my own. I'm giving everyone a year to get themselves together. Mom, I know you have health issues but you really need to finalize your disability arrangements and start looking into assisted living or other affordable senior housing. Little sister, I know you don't make much money but you need to get your financial house in order, maybe that means a new, higher paying job or a second job, and maybe you should think about moving in with a friend or a roommate. Big sister, you're not really helping out and you complain every time I ask you to pay any household expenses. I need you to pay $x per month until you leave this time next year when mom and little sister move out or you can pay me nothing and move out in 3 months; it's your choice. What do you want to do?"
Any questions about why you're doing this should be met with, "I'm a grownup and I want to live on my own." You might want to have this conversation before you leave for work so that you're not there to be badgered and so they can digest what you've told them. You're not running way but removing yourself from the situation. If anyone has anything to say, remind them that they have until March and end the conversation right there.
Help your mother get her disability and get on a waiting list for housing, if necessary. Keep an eye out for a better paying job for your sister. Don't make it your job to make all the arrangements for everyone but be helpful. Keep reminding people of the deadline, not in a mean way, but so they don't think you've changed your mind. If you're out shopping with your sister and you see dishes on sale, you can say, "those are nice and that's a good price, you're going to need dishes when you move out." And for gift giving occasions, give things they'll need to set up house. Be kind but firm.
posted by shoesietart at 6:37 PM on March 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
Slightly different perspective:
You bought a house in rocky income, debt and childcare circumstances. Your family has apparently helped you to achieve your goal of owning a home and helped to meet the bills and provided childcare. Now that you're financially more stable, you want them out in the next year despite the fact their finances are unchanged or worsening. You can want them to move out, but if they don't have the finances to support that plan, they are just going to move back in.
Disability can take a really, really long time - you have to get rejected and then appeal, etc. If your mother gets disability and can live with you younger sister, that may work. I'm just not sure you can put a date on that practically, because neither of them is in control of the disability process and there don't seem to be any other income options (I'm unclear on your youngest sister's work situation but at 20, she's either in school and working or not in school and unlikely to earn more working a highschool diploma job.)
posted by DarlingBri at 4:16 AM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]
You bought a house in rocky income, debt and childcare circumstances. Your family has apparently helped you to achieve your goal of owning a home and helped to meet the bills and provided childcare. Now that you're financially more stable, you want them out in the next year despite the fact their finances are unchanged or worsening. You can want them to move out, but if they don't have the finances to support that plan, they are just going to move back in.
Disability can take a really, really long time - you have to get rejected and then appeal, etc. If your mother gets disability and can live with you younger sister, that may work. I'm just not sure you can put a date on that practically, because neither of them is in control of the disability process and there don't seem to be any other income options (I'm unclear on your youngest sister's work situation but at 20, she's either in school and working or not in school and unlikely to earn more working a highschool diploma job.)
posted by DarlingBri at 4:16 AM on March 8, 2012 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: DarlingBri, I bought the house while I had a high paying job and no child. My family moved in when they lost their home (not a foreclosure). I was already on my own before that. I lost my job a little over a year ago and have been building up since then so that wasn't the point of them moving in. The situation with them, though my older sibling has a better job now, hasn't improved as much as I had hoped by this time.
I've talked with a few people on disability and so I know it's not a one shot thing. My mother knows that I think it's worth the time. I just don't know if she will.
My younger sister will be going to culinary school in the fall, she hopes. For right now she's looking for better work.
Thanks for all the comments, everyone. I'm planning to think a little bit, write out some things and then go for it soon.
posted by grablife365 at 8:45 AM on March 8, 2012
I've talked with a few people on disability and so I know it's not a one shot thing. My mother knows that I think it's worth the time. I just don't know if she will.
My younger sister will be going to culinary school in the fall, she hopes. For right now she's looking for better work.
Thanks for all the comments, everyone. I'm planning to think a little bit, write out some things and then go for it soon.
posted by grablife365 at 8:45 AM on March 8, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by brainmouse at 3:00 PM on March 7, 2012 [1 favorite]