social-skill-filter: how to end conversations and part?

July 9, 2005 11:02 AM

social-skill-filter: how do you end conversations and part with people?

some of you will find this familiar: you're having a phone conversation or you're visiting someone and it just seems like it should end and you don't know how to end it and it drags on and on. how do you go about and end it? really. details, please (thanks!).

posted by mirileh to Human Relations (25 answers total)

Commonly, people will start saying "Aaaaaaanyway", drawing out the opening A sound more and more until you know enough's enough and it's time to say goodbye.

I try not to do that. I might say something like, "Well, it's been nice talking to you. I gotta get going," and that's that.
posted by Evstar at 11:17 AM on July 9, 2005

"We-e-e-e-ellp," (as though information of great import were about to be forthcoming) "I have got to run. Talk to you later?"

If this fails, 7 or 8 seconds later in a firm voice:

"Excuse me, but I really do have to run RIGHT NOW. Call me?"

Occasionally I'll be forced into giving someone my email address so they can finish their thought.

If I value the person, though, as a professional superior, friend, lover, or family member, they pretty much get a blank ticket to run on. I'll set the phone down and do household chores or something for certain people; others actually command my full attention for as long as they wish it.

Caller ID and an ignorable e-mail address are important parts of these games.
posted by ikkyu2 at 11:18 AM on July 9, 2005

I second Evstar. I say almost the same thing -- "Well, I gotta go, but nice talking to you." The person on the other end of the conversation realizes that you might not necessarily NEED to leave at that moment, but it's a socially acceptable way to cut things off.

You might also reference the next time you're going to talk/visit with that person, if applicable. For instance, "I'm off, but I'll see you Sunday?" If you have a hard time ending a visit, this can offer you a little psychological "cushion" -- you're not bringing things to an end, just taking a break. It's silly, but for those who are afraid to say "goodbye," it can make a difference. Still, if you can, I say bite the bullet and go with Evstar's advice.

On preview: ikkyu2 hits the mark, as well. It's hard to tell from the question whether you're having trouble cutting things off or your conversation partners aren't taking the hint, but either way, looks like this thread has you covered.
posted by TPIRman at 11:27 AM on July 9, 2005

text more, talk less.
posted by bonaldi at 11:40 AM on July 9, 2005

If people are visiting and I want them to leave, I say, "Well, I'm sorry but I'm kicking you out"- in a joking manner, of course. Sometimes humor, rather than politeness, is much more effective.
posted by elisabeth r at 11:54 AM on July 9, 2005

Good suggestions; I'll add an emergency measure used to good effect by a friend of mine: "Gotta go—hair's on fire!"
posted by languagehat at 12:01 PM on July 9, 2005

Having a kid is great for this. My conversations frequently end with me saying something like, "Crap! The kid just headed in her room with the cat and a roll of duct tape. I gotta go...."
posted by jrossi4r at 1:01 PM on July 9, 2005

Strangely, one of my friends and I have reached a stage where we both are comfortable enough to simply say "ok, bye" in the middle of some silence, and that ends the conversation.

Not strange at all. I love those relationships. I have couple myself. One of them, we purposefully mock the conventional standards (some discussed above) of ending a conversation. We just do this because we're idiots though. But it's fun.

mirileh... I think it would be easier to answer your question more accurtately if we knew the kinds of conversations you're trying to end. Are these conversations with family or close friends, co-workers, people on the bus?
posted by Necker at 1:16 PM on July 9, 2005

Many of my older friends and family always end passing conversations (on the telephone, on their front lawn as one of us is getting in to the car, etc) with "Well, I better let you get going." I always thought that was such a politely passive-agressive way to end a conversation; I've been trying to work it into my own conversations from time to time.
posted by muddgirl at 2:48 PM on July 9, 2005

I'm not quite sure why, but the "I'm gonna let you go" thing grates on my nerves. I guess its the implication that "well you must have something better to do, so its your fault that the conversation is ending"

Then again, I tend to be extrasensitive to passive-agressive behavior.
posted by softlord at 2:55 PM on July 9, 2005

I, too, like the "I guess I'll let you go." I don't think it's passive aggressive, I think it conveys a nice flavor of enjoying the conversation and regreting that it must end, while saying that it must end. I also agree that it's nice to mention the next time you'll be talking/seeing the person.

For people who can really eat up time, I frequently call them/call on them when I only have a limited amount of time, and I let them know that at the beginning. "Hey, Joe, I've just got a couple of minutes before my Jai Lai game, but I wanted to be sure to talk with you a bit today..."

At the end of therapy sessions I say, "Our time is up." Sometimes I say that in conversation too, but usually only to people who get the joke.
posted by OmieWise at 2:56 PM on July 9, 2005

I second the objection to "I'd better let you get going." It's been transparently insincere every single time I've heard it, except those times when I was actually walking away from the person as they said it. But I've never been offended by "I gotta go" said in a friendly tone, even when I was in the middle of a really good sentence.
posted by bricoleur at 3:06 PM on July 9, 2005

Yeah, "I'd better let you go" seems very politicianesque, since it's the person who's saying it who really wants to go.
posted by grouse at 3:19 PM on July 9, 2005

I'll fifth or whatever the objection to "I'll let you go." Friends of mine are under strict orders not to say it to me. Just say "I have to go now."
posted by dame at 3:38 PM on July 9, 2005

I say, "well, I should probably get going." That way it doesn't sound as though I want to part ways, but that I have to get going.
posted by picklebird at 4:17 PM on July 9, 2005

People who say "well, I'll let you go now" to me before I'm done expounding my great reserves of wisdom in their general direction receive an "uh.. .. ..Oh." packed full of absolutely as much wounded pride and syntactic derision as I can muster.

In other words, you mess with the passive-aggressive urethra fish, you get the spined fins, baby.
posted by ikkyu2 at 5:08 PM on July 9, 2005

"I'm going to let you go" (and its variants) is an antisocial, bold-faced lie that is meant to be seen as exactly that. Your interlocutor knows as well as you do that it's you, not them, who wants the conversation to end. It's an above-the-board insult to the intelligence and social skills of the person you're talking to, and it makes you sound a bit stupid as well. I've only used it once, when my goal was to end a friendship, and it worked.
posted by bingo at 8:34 PM on July 9, 2005

I personally think it's polite to say something like "Well, I'm going to go ahead and get off the phone now, but let's talk again soon..."

...AND THEN...

...LINGER a little bit. Find one more thing to talk about. Stay on the line a little longer. Once the other person knows you're ready to "get off the phone" (that phrasing is important - I don't like talking on the phone in general and it has nothing to do with who's on the other line) then it shows warmth and patience to keep on talking about something. It shows that you actually like them and have to tear yourself away for the sake of your poor, crushed ear. It also gives them a chance to end the conversation: "Okay then, I'll let you go," or "I'd better get going, too."
posted by scarabic at 9:25 PM on July 9, 2005

addendum: it is okay to say "I'll let you go" to someone who has expressed the desire to go. So, to sum: express that desire, then let the other person actually end the call with "I'll let you go now."

If they don't "let you go now" just tell them you really need to shit. That generally gets through even the thickest heads.
posted by scarabic at 9:29 PM on July 9, 2005

Response by poster: thanks for all the suggestions so far!

for all those who wanted more context (not exactly be what u expected): i've organized a self help group for social phobics. one thing about us - we don't know how to end conversations and leave (2 of us together might sort of talk endlessly even though we BOTH might be wanting to leave). i'm trying to think of a way to change that. not sure how. i can't think of an exercise to work on it. hence my question.
posted by mirileh at 11:17 PM on July 9, 2005

mirileh: perhaps a time limit decided upon during the initial part of the conversation would be helpful, assuming the other person is also aware of their difficulty getting off the phone. "hey let's chat for 20 minutes"... after the 20 minutes you could end the conversation until the next time you speak....maybe even use a timer. One you get comfortable with that, you could expand the amount of time and then eventually try it without one.

Baby steps.
posted by softlord at 6:22 AM on July 10, 2005

All of these are good suggestions, but don't be afraid to come up with your own variations. Make a game of it, if you must: a different, polite way to end the conversation each time. Make them wacky if you like. Life is short. Why be dull? I really like the "our time is up" reference above, and wouldn't think twice about throwing it out there, even if I wasn't sure the other person wasn't going to get it.
posted by nthdegx at 6:31 AM on July 10, 2005

I have very little patience for the whole conversation to end a conversation thing. You usually have to factor in about 10- 15 mins in from the time you say you have to go till the time you actually get to hang up. When I feel I am done with a conversation, I just say "ok, gotta go now, bye" and then more or less hang up.

This works for me, but I have been told that I have really poor telephone skills by almost everyone who has had a telephone conversation with me (even as far back as middle school!).
posted by necessitas at 7:34 AM on July 10, 2005

Lots of good stuff in here already. One useful and natural bit of social lubrication is to throw in a reference some prior topic of the preceding conversation when wrapping things up... "Well, good luck with the [thing], see you next week...", or "Enjoy your trip to [somewhere], call me when you get back...", etc. Reassures folk you've been listening, if nothing else.
posted by normy at 8:20 AM on July 10, 2005

Someone mentioned therapy - personally, and maybe I'm the exception rather than the rule, I prefer when my therapist says "I'm going to let you go" rather than "we're out of time." The latter makes me feel more like I'm interrupting her day or something, while the former makes me feel a little important, like I have something to get on with. I don't know, it makes me feel like I have slightly more control over when I leave, even if I actually don't. Whatever, as long as it works for me, I'm happy. :)
posted by IndigoRain at 7:38 AM on July 11, 2005