How to handle an inevitable run in with the Ex?
February 29, 2012 11:16 AM Subscribe
He ended it a couple of weeks ago and I have to see him tonight. Any suggestions/tactics on how to handle myself/this situation?
We were only dating for three months, but a lot of serious crap went down. He decided he didn't see a future with me and put a stop to things a couple of weeks ago.
I still have feelings for him, even though ultimately, I know we're not right for one another.
I've seen him once since, last week. It was a mistake and I was clearly not ready. Read: I left and cried.
Tonight a mutual friend is having a going away house party that we're both attending.
Do you have any tips on things I can do to keep myself in check and not make this situation awkward or harder than it has to be? I know every situation is unique and specific to the circumstances and people involved. But perhaps you've gone through a similar experience and had a game plan or could help me learn from your mistakes.
TIA.
We were only dating for three months, but a lot of serious crap went down. He decided he didn't see a future with me and put a stop to things a couple of weeks ago.
I still have feelings for him, even though ultimately, I know we're not right for one another.
I've seen him once since, last week. It was a mistake and I was clearly not ready. Read: I left and cried.
Tonight a mutual friend is having a going away house party that we're both attending.
Do you have any tips on things I can do to keep myself in check and not make this situation awkward or harder than it has to be? I know every situation is unique and specific to the circumstances and people involved. But perhaps you've gone through a similar experience and had a game plan or could help me learn from your mistakes.
TIA.
For my own mental health, I've been known to "quit the field" until my feelings are more manageable. That is to say, even though it sometimes felt unfair, if the person was going to be someplace that I was invited to or wanted to go, I simply didn't go (...and I also found something else to do to distract me.) Good luck! I've been there, I know it ain't easy.
posted by Infinity_8 at 11:20 AM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Infinity_8 at 11:20 AM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]
Do you absolutely have to go? I mean, only last week your seeing him resulted in you crying and having to leave. It's only been a week. You weren't ready then and I bet you're not ready now.
I would ask your mutual friend if you could grab a goodbye coffee/lunch sometime and forgo the party altogether.
posted by fight or flight at 11:20 AM on February 29, 2012 [8 favorites]
I would ask your mutual friend if you could grab a goodbye coffee/lunch sometime and forgo the party altogether.
posted by fight or flight at 11:20 AM on February 29, 2012 [8 favorites]
I was going to recommend staying home, too. There's no need to put yourself through something that is guaranteed to be upsetting, and your friends will understand. If you're close with the friend who is moving, maybe suggest meeting up for lunch sometime soon instead.
posted by something something at 11:21 AM on February 29, 2012
posted by something something at 11:21 AM on February 29, 2012
Response by poster: Infinity_8, I think that's a perfectly reasonable way to go. But this person leaves for out of state tomorrow and I honestly may never see them again due to certain circumstances. I say this without exaggeration!
posted by patientpatient at 11:21 AM on February 29, 2012
posted by patientpatient at 11:21 AM on February 29, 2012
Can you ask someone else going to be your freakout buddy? So that if you need distraction, a ride home, rescue from an awkward convo, they can help you?
posted by spunweb at 11:22 AM on February 29, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by spunweb at 11:22 AM on February 29, 2012 [10 favorites]
If you feel you must go, go, but just do not give him the time of day, but be cordial and polite to everyone else. I mean, don't go out of your way to ignore him, but just do it subtlely, like you don't know him.
If it were me, I'd explain the situation to my friend and ask if we could do dinner or something seperately. This happened to me actually just after I broke up with an ex. I ended up skipping my friend's wedding, but took her and her fiancee out for dinner instead. I didn't make it into a Big Dramatic Thing, and they understood, because hey - we're friends and that's what friends do.
posted by floweredfish at 11:26 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
If it were me, I'd explain the situation to my friend and ask if we could do dinner or something seperately. This happened to me actually just after I broke up with an ex. I ended up skipping my friend's wedding, but took her and her fiancee out for dinner instead. I didn't make it into a Big Dramatic Thing, and they understood, because hey - we're friends and that's what friends do.
posted by floweredfish at 11:26 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Go, give your friend a heartfelt goodbye, and skedaddle.
posted by Specklet at 11:26 AM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Specklet at 11:26 AM on February 29, 2012 [4 favorites]
Don't drink (if you do), and go early and leave early. I bet you can manage to be composed for five minutes when he's around, and it's perfectly okay to not be able to manage more than that right now.
posted by rtha at 11:27 AM on February 29, 2012
posted by rtha at 11:27 AM on February 29, 2012
If you must go, if it were me, I would confront it head on. As soon as I got there I would look for ex-bf, say hello how are you? then excuse yourself to get a drink. Have a meetup at the bar planned with another friend for right afterwards.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:27 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnnyGunn at 11:27 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Freak out buddy, yes. And do not plan to stay long!
If no freak out buddy or if freakout buddy says you are not ready, don't go.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:30 AM on February 29, 2012
If no freak out buddy or if freakout buddy says you are not ready, don't go.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 11:30 AM on February 29, 2012
If you want to go to see your friend, by all means GO. Love is greater than fear, always. Your love for your friend is much greater than your fear of the hurt and rejection you encountered with this person.
Sometimes in similar situations I do this: picture yourself surrounded by light. Bright white light in a sphere around you. You are bright, white, glowing light. Repeat to yourself: Nothing can harm me because I am pure love. Light and love fill my heart. All the love I've received from my family, my friends, my ancestors, my neighbors, my colleagues, strangers on the bus, and whatever entity or consciousness I believe has some presence in the universe are collected in my heart and my heart overflows with that love. Nothing can harm me-- not any kind of pain, not rejection, not fear of death or loneliness or abandonment. I have so much love in my heart (that was put there without my asking for it, or without even knowing how to ask for it) that I am as powerful as anything in the universe. Anything is possible and it's because of love. Watch out, fear/pain/abandonment/death/despair. You match for what I gots.
posted by airguitar2 at 11:31 AM on February 29, 2012
Sometimes in similar situations I do this: picture yourself surrounded by light. Bright white light in a sphere around you. You are bright, white, glowing light. Repeat to yourself: Nothing can harm me because I am pure love. Light and love fill my heart. All the love I've received from my family, my friends, my ancestors, my neighbors, my colleagues, strangers on the bus, and whatever entity or consciousness I believe has some presence in the universe are collected in my heart and my heart overflows with that love. Nothing can harm me-- not any kind of pain, not rejection, not fear of death or loneliness or abandonment. I have so much love in my heart (that was put there without my asking for it, or without even knowing how to ask for it) that I am as powerful as anything in the universe. Anything is possible and it's because of love. Watch out, fear/pain/abandonment/death/despair. You match for what I gots.
posted by airguitar2 at 11:31 AM on February 29, 2012
Response by poster: Unfortunately, a freak-out buddy is not a possibility as I know this person (and everyone attending) through the Ex.
But I definitely think in another circumstance, this is a really great suggestion.
posted by patientpatient at 11:31 AM on February 29, 2012
But I definitely think in another circumstance, this is a really great suggestion.
posted by patientpatient at 11:31 AM on February 29, 2012
I truly would not go. I'd call mutual friend and see if there is anything else you could do to get together -- maybe meet near the airport? -- and if not arrange a way to keep in touch.
I'd suggest that your mutual friend is likely to understand and appreciate that you'd like possible last contact with that person to be focused on them, not on the feelings stirred up by the ex.
posted by bearwife at 11:34 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'd suggest that your mutual friend is likely to understand and appreciate that you'd like possible last contact with that person to be focused on them, not on the feelings stirred up by the ex.
posted by bearwife at 11:34 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Arrange for someone else to call you at some point early in the party. If you aren't doing well, it is an excuse to bail while not having ignored your friend in entirety. If you are, then you can give them a simple "Oh, I'm at X's place, I'll give you a call later on."
You can survive 30-45 minutes of being at this party easily. You can distract yourself or get in a conversation with someone you know easily enough. At that point, you get your easy out if you need it and if you don't, congrats.
posted by Saydur at 11:34 AM on February 29, 2012
You can survive 30-45 minutes of being at this party easily. You can distract yourself or get in a conversation with someone you know easily enough. At that point, you get your easy out if you need it and if you don't, congrats.
posted by Saydur at 11:34 AM on February 29, 2012
Unfortunately, a freak-out buddy is not a possibility as I know this person (and everyone attending) through the Ex.
So this is a party of all his friends? Oh my word, don't go! You're sick ::coughcough::, you had to stay home. E-mail the next day and offer to take the person out to lunch one-on-one to say goodbye. If you're not even that close, then skipping the party makes even more sense.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:42 AM on February 29, 2012 [11 favorites]
So this is a party of all his friends? Oh my word, don't go! You're sick ::coughcough::, you had to stay home. E-mail the next day and offer to take the person out to lunch one-on-one to say goodbye. If you're not even that close, then skipping the party makes even more sense.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:42 AM on February 29, 2012 [11 favorites]
Oh wait, I see tomorrow that you may never ever seen them again as long as you live. I still think you should skip the party, if this is someone you met 3 months ago through your ex.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:43 AM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 11:43 AM on February 29, 2012 [7 favorites]
Also, I would ask yourself: are you really going to this party because you honestly want to go to this party, or are you going because there's a chance The Ex will be there?
If it's the latter, you still have feelings for him and seeing him is only going to hurt you. What if you catch him flirting with someone else? What if he arrives with someone else? What if he flat-out ignores you? Will that be okay or will it feel like you've been kicked in the chest by a shod horse?
Be kind to yourself, dude. Don't go.
posted by fight or flight at 11:48 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
If it's the latter, you still have feelings for him and seeing him is only going to hurt you. What if you catch him flirting with someone else? What if he arrives with someone else? What if he flat-out ignores you? Will that be okay or will it feel like you've been kicked in the chest by a shod horse?
Be kind to yourself, dude. Don't go.
posted by fight or flight at 11:48 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: ThePinkSuperhero-Point definitely taken and given that perspective, yes, despite whatever connection I may have formed with the person leaving, it was brief.
Still, in general, I can't tell if not going is somehow me "giving in" or being defeated somehow. As in, could this potentially make me stronger (If I can get through it with my chin up) or is going to my detriment...?
posted by patientpatient at 11:50 AM on February 29, 2012
Still, in general, I can't tell if not going is somehow me "giving in" or being defeated somehow. As in, could this potentially make me stronger (If I can get through it with my chin up) or is going to my detriment...?
posted by patientpatient at 11:50 AM on February 29, 2012
Still, in general, I can't tell if not going is somehow me "giving in" or being defeated somehow.
I know the feeling, but psych yourself out of it. Look at it like, if you feel the need to prove something, you're still stuck in a sense. Being nice to yourself (which I would say means not going) means you're on the way to getting past it.
posted by BibiRose at 11:57 AM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]
I know the feeling, but psych yourself out of it. Look at it like, if you feel the need to prove something, you're still stuck in a sense. Being nice to yourself (which I would say means not going) means you're on the way to getting past it.
posted by BibiRose at 11:57 AM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]
Upon reading your updates, I also think you shouldn't go. ThePinkSuperhero is right.
And no, this is not you giving in or admitting defeat, this is you taking care of yourself.
posted by Specklet at 11:59 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
And no, this is not you giving in or admitting defeat, this is you taking care of yourself.
posted by Specklet at 11:59 AM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Fight or Flight- I think it's a mix of everything. I want to see this person off. I want to see other people I probably wouldn't otherwise because of the break-up, and yeah, I'd like to have interaction with the Ex (mostly in a way of showing "hey, I'm OK, things are cool" even if they aren't totally).
I guess maybe I know what needs to happen/how I should behave, but also know I can't predict what's actually going to happen once I'm there and am looking for tricks or tips on reminding myself that yes, I can do this.
Moreover, the unexpected run-ins are the worst, because you're so unprepared. Take for example what you said, seeing him with someone else or him ignoring me.
Maybe what I really want is one last opportunity to go in knowing I'm going to see him and be able to leave one last "good impression". (And yeah, in a way, that's some sort of satisfaction for me in terms of feeling/knowing I'm pretty awesome and maybe he'll feel a tiny bit of regret...or so I'll tell myself even if only to make me feel better).
...I'm setting myself up for disaster, aren't I?
posted by patientpatient at 11:59 AM on February 29, 2012
I guess maybe I know what needs to happen/how I should behave, but also know I can't predict what's actually going to happen once I'm there and am looking for tricks or tips on reminding myself that yes, I can do this.
Moreover, the unexpected run-ins are the worst, because you're so unprepared. Take for example what you said, seeing him with someone else or him ignoring me.
Maybe what I really want is one last opportunity to go in knowing I'm going to see him and be able to leave one last "good impression". (And yeah, in a way, that's some sort of satisfaction for me in terms of feeling/knowing I'm pretty awesome and maybe he'll feel a tiny bit of regret...or so I'll tell myself even if only to make me feel better).
...I'm setting myself up for disaster, aren't I?
posted by patientpatient at 11:59 AM on February 29, 2012
Still, in general, I can't tell if not going is somehow me "giving in" or being defeated somehow. As in, could this potentially make me stronger (If I can get through it with my chin up) or is going to my detriment...?
As someone who has recently been through a breakup and has been asking herself very similar questions, I can say that not going is definately not "giving in". Nobody is keeping score here. You are in a difficult, painful place right now and you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost, above everything.
You are not being defeated. By looking after yourself, by refusing to hurt yourself, by refusing to let his actions hurt you any more, you are being strong.
Don't go. Do something ridiculously self-indulgent instead. Rent a movie and eat loads of junk food. Buy stuff online. Play a dumb video game. You'll have much more fun than you ever would have had at that party, believe me.
posted by fight or flight at 12:00 PM on February 29, 2012
As someone who has recently been through a breakup and has been asking herself very similar questions, I can say that not going is definately not "giving in". Nobody is keeping score here. You are in a difficult, painful place right now and you need to take care of yourself, first and foremost, above everything.
You are not being defeated. By looking after yourself, by refusing to hurt yourself, by refusing to let his actions hurt you any more, you are being strong.
Don't go. Do something ridiculously self-indulgent instead. Rent a movie and eat loads of junk food. Buy stuff online. Play a dumb video game. You'll have much more fun than you ever would have had at that party, believe me.
posted by fight or flight at 12:00 PM on February 29, 2012
If you really want to go to say goodbye to the person, and not because you think it will be some sort of character-building experience for you, go right at the beginning when it's unlikely he'll be there yet, spend a few minutes saying goodbye, and then leave.
posted by chickenmagazine at 12:01 PM on February 29, 2012
posted by chickenmagazine at 12:01 PM on February 29, 2012
Not going is not "giving in." It's respecting yourself.
Are you sure you don't want to see the ex? Are you sure in the back of your mind you're not hoping he won't regret what he did or suddenly love you again?
Don't do it. Not gonna happen. And if it did, fuck that.
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:02 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Are you sure you don't want to see the ex? Are you sure in the back of your mind you're not hoping he won't regret what he did or suddenly love you again?
Don't do it. Not gonna happen. And if it did, fuck that.
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:02 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Maybe what I really want is one last opportunity to go in knowing I'm going to see him and be able to leave one last "good impression".
Yeah, DON'T do this.
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:03 PM on February 29, 2012 [6 favorites]
Yeah, DON'T do this.
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:03 PM on February 29, 2012 [6 favorites]
Response by poster: As selfish as all of this is, yes, I absolutely want to see this person off.
I think there can be some sort of happy medium?
Show up early, say goodbye, leave promptly. Maybe not even have any encounter whatsoever with the Ex.
posted by patientpatient at 12:04 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think there can be some sort of happy medium?
Show up early, say goodbye, leave promptly. Maybe not even have any encounter whatsoever with the Ex.
posted by patientpatient at 12:04 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
You're only ready to see him when you don't care if you see him or not. Or you're genuinely excited about seeing him so you can catch up on friendly terms. Not when you are hoping to engender some feeling in him.
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:06 PM on February 29, 2012 [8 favorites]
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:06 PM on February 29, 2012 [8 favorites]
A good option is calling and saying, "I would so love to come to the party, but I can't make it. I am going to miss you!" Have a nice chat and then get off the phone. Then do something else. It's painful to take care of yourself, but worth it. What is going in person going to offer you that a phone call can't? A physical hug? Not being insane is more important than a hug.
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:12 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by amodelcitizen at 12:12 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]
It sounds like you're leaning towards "go early, avoid ex, leave early." That seems wise.
Other people have been suggesting that maybe you shouldn't go at all, and it sounds like you're confused about "am I going to genuinely see my friend, or am I going to look good in front of Ex and stick it to him?" This may help you figure that out: pretend that the friend who's leaving called you right now and said 'oh, hey, I just found out [ex] isn't coming after all.' How would that change what you want to do regarding the party? (Meaning: if your reaction to that would be, "oh, yay, I can go see my friend off and it not be weird," then that means you really want to go see your friend off. If your reaction to that would be, "well, good, I can stay home myself then," then you didn't want to go after all.)
But it sounds like you want to pay some brief respects and then get out of there; that's fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:22 PM on February 29, 2012
Other people have been suggesting that maybe you shouldn't go at all, and it sounds like you're confused about "am I going to genuinely see my friend, or am I going to look good in front of Ex and stick it to him?" This may help you figure that out: pretend that the friend who's leaving called you right now and said 'oh, hey, I just found out [ex] isn't coming after all.' How would that change what you want to do regarding the party? (Meaning: if your reaction to that would be, "oh, yay, I can go see my friend off and it not be weird," then that means you really want to go see your friend off. If your reaction to that would be, "well, good, I can stay home myself then," then you didn't want to go after all.)
But it sounds like you want to pay some brief respects and then get out of there; that's fine.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:22 PM on February 29, 2012
I agree that you should bow out of the party very graciously, offering as little explanation as possible. Everyone else having fun + alcohol + the urgency and confusion of your feelings = a real bummer for you, and a potential party ruiner for everyone else.
Seriously, there will be other chances to say farewell. There will be other opportunities to run into friends. There will even be other opportunities to interact with your ex, if you still want to later on. For now, you need to take care of yourself. Can you imagine a scenario in which you go to this party and you DON'T end up coming home alone and crying yourself to sleep? No? Right. So spare yourself, and take care of yourself.
posted by hermitosis at 12:22 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Seriously, there will be other chances to say farewell. There will be other opportunities to run into friends. There will even be other opportunities to interact with your ex, if you still want to later on. For now, you need to take care of yourself. Can you imagine a scenario in which you go to this party and you DON'T end up coming home alone and crying yourself to sleep? No? Right. So spare yourself, and take care of yourself.
posted by hermitosis at 12:22 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Definitely don't go.
You're falling into a trap that most of us fall into after a recent breakup: you're still thinking a lot about your ex's thoughts and feelings. Once you've broken up, however, his thoughts and feelings are no longer your business or your concern, beyond the responsibility that common decency demands of all of us to consider how our actions affect others. Once you are no longer in a relationship with someone, you will make things a lot harder on yourself than they need to be if you keep doing things to try to make him think and feel a certain way, or if you spend a lot, or really any, time thinking about how he likely thinks or feels about things.
I usually advise the recently dumped to combat this by adopting a mantra of "fuck that guy." I think this may come off as more aggressive or angry than I mean it to. It doesn't have to mean that you hate him, or that he's a bad guy. It just means that you don't need to go to this party just to show him your ok, and that it doesn't matter if you don't go and he thinks it's because of him. Why not? Because fuck that guy, that's why not.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:27 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]
You're falling into a trap that most of us fall into after a recent breakup: you're still thinking a lot about your ex's thoughts and feelings. Once you've broken up, however, his thoughts and feelings are no longer your business or your concern, beyond the responsibility that common decency demands of all of us to consider how our actions affect others. Once you are no longer in a relationship with someone, you will make things a lot harder on yourself than they need to be if you keep doing things to try to make him think and feel a certain way, or if you spend a lot, or really any, time thinking about how he likely thinks or feels about things.
I usually advise the recently dumped to combat this by adopting a mantra of "fuck that guy." I think this may come off as more aggressive or angry than I mean it to. It doesn't have to mean that you hate him, or that he's a bad guy. It just means that you don't need to go to this party just to show him your ok, and that it doesn't matter if you don't go and he thinks it's because of him. Why not? Because fuck that guy, that's why not.
posted by Ragged Richard at 12:27 PM on February 29, 2012 [5 favorites]
Pick a movie with a show time starting about an hour after the party starts. Go early to the party, say your goodbyes, bail and head to the movie. Movie should preferably be something really stupid and mindless with lots and lots of explosions, or something stupid and mindless with lots of fart jokes.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 12:29 PM on February 29, 2012
posted by TryTheTilapia at 12:29 PM on February 29, 2012
I know this person (and everyone attending) through the Ex.
Errrggghhh, I do not see this ending well. I would call the person. Maybe you can get coffee with them before they leave?
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:30 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Errrggghhh, I do not see this ending well. I would call the person. Maybe you can get coffee with them before they leave?
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:30 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Is this the guy who stars in your last two AskMes?
DO NOT GO.
Worst-case scenario: you will not be able to tear yourself away early, you will get drunk, you will do something you regret and you will ruin this person's going-away party.
Best case scenario: you will leave early, but it will be obvious why. This guy's friends (because that's who these people are: they're his friends, not yours) will know you went for him and not for the leaving-person. Best-best case scenario, they'll all be sort of awkward about it. Best-worst case scenario, your ex will say, "yeah she didn't take the break-up well" and they'll all talk about how sad and broken-up-with you looked.
Call them, say you'll miss them, tell them you can't go. If you and the leaving-person are good friends you'll stay in touch over email or skype. If you're not, why are you going to the party again?
posted by AmandaA at 12:35 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]
DO NOT GO.
Worst-case scenario: you will not be able to tear yourself away early, you will get drunk, you will do something you regret and you will ruin this person's going-away party.
Best case scenario: you will leave early, but it will be obvious why. This guy's friends (because that's who these people are: they're his friends, not yours) will know you went for him and not for the leaving-person. Best-best case scenario, they'll all be sort of awkward about it. Best-worst case scenario, your ex will say, "yeah she didn't take the break-up well" and they'll all talk about how sad and broken-up-with you looked.
Call them, say you'll miss them, tell them you can't go. If you and the leaving-person are good friends you'll stay in touch over email or skype. If you're not, why are you going to the party again?
posted by AmandaA at 12:35 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]
Call the friend and have a nice conversation over the phone.
posted by mleigh at 12:40 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by mleigh at 12:40 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
can you see your friend before the party starts? help with set-up? and then leave? and follow other recommendations to hang out with friends, see a movie, listen to live music? that way you get quality time (which often does not happen at parties) and get to take care of ourself.
posted by anya32 at 12:40 PM on February 29, 2012
posted by anya32 at 12:40 PM on February 29, 2012
Yeah, your last two AskMe's were two months of "It's crystal clear that I need to run for the hills, but I'd be an absolute liar if I said I'm going to end things.", and he broke up with you so I really don't think you can keep it together.
Which is okay! But we gotta be real here. You solve the problem by not putting yourself in the situation in the first place.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:41 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Which is okay! But we gotta be real here. You solve the problem by not putting yourself in the situation in the first place.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:41 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
he kinda ignores you/acts rude
And if he doesn't ignore you, you read way too much into it, etc. etc.
Literally, and I do mean that in this case, no good outcome.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:47 PM on February 29, 2012
And if he doesn't ignore you, you read way too much into it, etc. etc.
Literally, and I do mean that in this case, no good outcome.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:47 PM on February 29, 2012
If you're really determined to see this person off, then first and foremost you need to be certain that you are doing it only to see them off and not because your ex will be there.
Because if you're upset about all this - and you clearly are - then your first responsibility is to you. You have nothing to prove to anyone; this isn't about how over this you are, or should be, by this point. Hard as it may be to hear, your well-adjustedness isn't likely to mean anything to your ex one way or the other.
You asked if I could help you learn from my mistakes. Yeah, I can. What I wish I'd known when I was in your position is that you need to take care of yourself right now. If everyone at this party is someone you know through the ex, then it's going to be a party with your ex and his friends. I wouldn't go to that, no matter how much I liked the other people, if my nerves were still raw. I would feel like an outsider. I would keep feeling reminded of how I'm not a part of this person's life anymore. Screw that.
I can't predict what's actually going to happen once I'm there and am looking for tricks or tips on reminding myself that yes, I can do this.
Well, not to be a jerk, but what if you can't do this? What if you're trying to make yourself power through something that you're not ready for?
Look at it this way: If you go, then maybe it'll go well, and maybe it won't.
If it goes well then you'll have said goodbye to someone who you could say goodbye to anyway, and you'll have proven you're not a total wreck to a bunch of people who - brutal honesty here - probably don't care.
If it goes poorly then you'll go home feeling absolutely destroyed for no reason, at best.
Look, if you still have feelings for an ex then you need to be in healing mode and you need to not see them. Your every action around this person is going to be coming from a place of wishing he'd have whatever revelation and decide to take you back. That's a recipe for disaster. You owe nothing to anyone, and you have nothing to prove. Go out with friends of your own that night and maybe call the guy before the party or whatever.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:55 PM on February 29, 2012
Because if you're upset about all this - and you clearly are - then your first responsibility is to you. You have nothing to prove to anyone; this isn't about how over this you are, or should be, by this point. Hard as it may be to hear, your well-adjustedness isn't likely to mean anything to your ex one way or the other.
You asked if I could help you learn from my mistakes. Yeah, I can. What I wish I'd known when I was in your position is that you need to take care of yourself right now. If everyone at this party is someone you know through the ex, then it's going to be a party with your ex and his friends. I wouldn't go to that, no matter how much I liked the other people, if my nerves were still raw. I would feel like an outsider. I would keep feeling reminded of how I'm not a part of this person's life anymore. Screw that.
I can't predict what's actually going to happen once I'm there and am looking for tricks or tips on reminding myself that yes, I can do this.
Well, not to be a jerk, but what if you can't do this? What if you're trying to make yourself power through something that you're not ready for?
Look at it this way: If you go, then maybe it'll go well, and maybe it won't.
If it goes well then you'll have said goodbye to someone who you could say goodbye to anyway, and you'll have proven you're not a total wreck to a bunch of people who - brutal honesty here - probably don't care.
If it goes poorly then you'll go home feeling absolutely destroyed for no reason, at best.
Look, if you still have feelings for an ex then you need to be in healing mode and you need to not see them. Your every action around this person is going to be coming from a place of wishing he'd have whatever revelation and decide to take you back. That's a recipe for disaster. You owe nothing to anyone, and you have nothing to prove. Go out with friends of your own that night and maybe call the guy before the party or whatever.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 12:55 PM on February 29, 2012
Oh yeah, don't go. Especially if your goal is on some level for him to think you're OK-- and I have to second whoever told you that the best attitude is "fuck what he thinks"-- if you go to this party that's just his friends, he's going to think you came for him. If you have any kind of interaction on that basis, it's going to set you back in the process of moving on. Even in the best possible case, you won't be better off than you are today, namely a couple of weeks out from this mess.
Just because a part of you wants to or thinks you should do this, doesn't mean you have to.
posted by BibiRose at 1:01 PM on February 29, 2012
Just because a part of you wants to or thinks you should do this, doesn't mean you have to.
posted by BibiRose at 1:01 PM on February 29, 2012
I have a question about your relationship with this friend. You met them less then three months ago, I imagine you've only hung out with them while accompanied by your ex (as they are your ex's friend). Did they invite you to this party BEFORE or AFTER the break-up? And if it was after, how were you invited? Was it a mass e-mail or facebook invite? Have you spoken to them since the relationship ended? If you don't have a separate relationship with them outside of the relationship with your ex you shouldn't go, and they probably don't expect you to.
And if they invited you before, then for the love of all that is holy, DON'T GO.
posted by Dynex at 1:05 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]
And if they invited you before, then for the love of all that is holy, DON'T GO.
posted by Dynex at 1:05 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]
Oh, one other thing:
(And yeah, in a way, that's some sort of satisfaction for me in terms of feeling/knowing I'm pretty awesome and maybe he'll feel a tiny bit of regret...or so I'll tell myself even if only to make me feel better).
Maybe it'll help to know this, because from your past questions this guy sounds like the kind of jerk to whom this applies:
If you show up to demonstrate how awesome you are, the only thing he'll feel about it is the satisfaction of knowing you're still wrapped entirely around his finger. Even if that's not true, he'll feel nothing about it at all, so pick one: Either don't go to the trouble for no result, or don't give him the satisfaction. Either way.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:06 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]
(And yeah, in a way, that's some sort of satisfaction for me in terms of feeling/knowing I'm pretty awesome and maybe he'll feel a tiny bit of regret...or so I'll tell myself even if only to make me feel better).
Maybe it'll help to know this, because from your past questions this guy sounds like the kind of jerk to whom this applies:
If you show up to demonstrate how awesome you are, the only thing he'll feel about it is the satisfaction of knowing you're still wrapped entirely around his finger. Even if that's not true, he'll feel nothing about it at all, so pick one: Either don't go to the trouble for no result, or don't give him the satisfaction. Either way.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 1:06 PM on February 29, 2012 [2 favorites]
One more thing. I see from your updates here and your previous questions that you have a habit of declaring in advance that you're going to do something you know to be a bad idea (or fail to do something you know to be a good idea). I really encourage you to work on breaking this habit. The things you tell yourself about yourself become true, and there's no surer way to set yourself up for failure than to start from the premise that it's inevitable.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:16 PM on February 29, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:16 PM on February 29, 2012 [6 favorites]
Yeah, in your last AskMe (which wasn't long ago), you use addiction metaphors in relation to this person. That coupled with the fact that there are other acceptable ways to say good-bye make it seem that you're looking for a fix. If you're covering up your desire with the excuse, "My friend is leaving, whatta whatta whatta!" and asking all of us to justify you putting yourself in a crap situation because of that, please call bullshit on yourself and realize this is an addiction mind trick. I'm challenging you to break your pattern and do something healthy.
posted by amodelcitizen at 1:17 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by amodelcitizen at 1:17 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: You are all totally on point.
It's true. His friends aren't going to care. My friend will understand. And ultimately, "fuck what he thinks".
Things like this never go as we secretly hope and wish, yet when there's even a percentage of a chance they will, I seem to go all in and then feign surprise when I lose everything.
So thank you for putting it to me straight.
I needed it.
posted by patientpatient at 1:17 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]
It's true. His friends aren't going to care. My friend will understand. And ultimately, "fuck what he thinks".
Things like this never go as we secretly hope and wish, yet when there's even a percentage of a chance they will, I seem to go all in and then feign surprise when I lose everything.
So thank you for putting it to me straight.
I needed it.
posted by patientpatient at 1:17 PM on February 29, 2012 [3 favorites]
1. Call up your friend. Tell them you wish them well, and you hope you'll be able to come by the party, just to give them one last hug (handshake) and a heartfelt goodbye. But you have plans, see, that can't be broken, so IF you can make it, there's no way you can stay for long. How does friend respond? If friend sounds like s/he wasn't really expecting you anyway, then you probably haven't been "patientpatient" to them, you've been "dude's girlfriend" all this time, and now you're the EX-girl, so don't bother going. Really. If will hurt to admit that you were just "part of him" to that group of friends, but no, that's the way it is.
2. If all's well, friend is happy to hear from you and sorry you might not make it, then you take the plan forward. Buy them a bottle of wine or bouquet of flowers or box of Legos (whatever may suit them) tie on a note or card that just says "best of luck", no heartfelt letters. (If you're feeling bold, make it noticeable, and friend will spend all night saying "Oh, the flowers? Patientpatient brought those by earlier - what a sweetheart!")
3. Now, you call up a female friend, YOUR friend, and make plans to see a movie or buy them a nice girly drink, on the condition that they come WITH you to this party for half an hour. You walk in (during the first hour of the party) and say "Host! Great to see you so sorry you're leaving have you met $Amy like I said we've got plans but she agreed to come by on our way so I could say goodbye. I'm really excited for your travels best of luck and here's a Little Something." The host is likely to be busy. You'll spend 5-10 minutes talking with him/her at most. Are things feeling good? Get a non-alcoholic drink. Are things feeling iffy? You're only staying a few minutes, no drink. Warmly greet all your other acquaintances who are at this party. Nod politely to Ex. Another 5-10 minutes have passed. 20 if things are truly good. You nod at $Amy. $Amy looks at her watch and says, "Oh, look at that, we're meeting $Jane at $N-oclock and it's $N-minus-now minutes to get there!" (no need to say where "there" is unless asked). You say "Where'd Host get to? I need to say goodbye!" You've got about 2 minutes to say goobye and good luck, and then you walk out the door. It's been 30 minutes.
4. You and $Amy go do something fun, okay?
On the tiny off-chance that everybody's honestly glad to see you and conversation doesn't feel awkward, then $N-o'clock just shifts a little later. Bringing a friend with you limits the total amount of time you can spend at this party, but that's only a liability in the very best of best-case scenarios. (i.e. it's okay to stop by to drop off some flowers with a friend in tow, but longer than half an hour and you're "inviting a friend to the party".)
-- if it doesn't seem worth it to go through all this planning just to see your friend off, then maybe it's not worth it, and you don't need to see your friend off as badly as you'd thought. Because showing up at this party with no planning is REALLY not going to be worth it.
posted by aimedwander at 1:18 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
2. If all's well, friend is happy to hear from you and sorry you might not make it, then you take the plan forward. Buy them a bottle of wine or bouquet of flowers or box of Legos (whatever may suit them) tie on a note or card that just says "best of luck", no heartfelt letters. (If you're feeling bold, make it noticeable, and friend will spend all night saying "Oh, the flowers? Patientpatient brought those by earlier - what a sweetheart!")
3. Now, you call up a female friend, YOUR friend, and make plans to see a movie or buy them a nice girly drink, on the condition that they come WITH you to this party for half an hour. You walk in (during the first hour of the party) and say "Host! Great to see you so sorry you're leaving have you met $Amy like I said we've got plans but she agreed to come by on our way so I could say goodbye. I'm really excited for your travels best of luck and here's a Little Something." The host is likely to be busy. You'll spend 5-10 minutes talking with him/her at most. Are things feeling good? Get a non-alcoholic drink. Are things feeling iffy? You're only staying a few minutes, no drink. Warmly greet all your other acquaintances who are at this party. Nod politely to Ex. Another 5-10 minutes have passed. 20 if things are truly good. You nod at $Amy. $Amy looks at her watch and says, "Oh, look at that, we're meeting $Jane at $N-oclock and it's $N-minus-now minutes to get there!" (no need to say where "there" is unless asked). You say "Where'd Host get to? I need to say goodbye!" You've got about 2 minutes to say goobye and good luck, and then you walk out the door. It's been 30 minutes.
4. You and $Amy go do something fun, okay?
On the tiny off-chance that everybody's honestly glad to see you and conversation doesn't feel awkward, then $N-o'clock just shifts a little later. Bringing a friend with you limits the total amount of time you can spend at this party, but that's only a liability in the very best of best-case scenarios. (i.e. it's okay to stop by to drop off some flowers with a friend in tow, but longer than half an hour and you're "inviting a friend to the party".)
-- if it doesn't seem worth it to go through all this planning just to see your friend off, then maybe it's not worth it, and you don't need to see your friend off as badly as you'd thought. Because showing up at this party with no planning is REALLY not going to be worth it.
posted by aimedwander at 1:18 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: For the record, yes, I did have a friendship (albiet short) with this person.
We talked and hung out separately from the Ex and she invited me to the party post break up, calling to mention the Ex was obiously invited and was I going to be cool. She even went so far as to say if I was feeling uncomfortable she'd tell him to beat it.
Regardless, I do hear ya'll loud and clear and I know the right thing to do is to simply not go.
posted by patientpatient at 1:31 PM on February 29, 2012
We talked and hung out separately from the Ex and she invited me to the party post break up, calling to mention the Ex was obiously invited and was I going to be cool. She even went so far as to say if I was feeling uncomfortable she'd tell him to beat it.
Regardless, I do hear ya'll loud and clear and I know the right thing to do is to simply not go.
posted by patientpatient at 1:31 PM on February 29, 2012
This has nothing to do with seeing your friend-of-3-months off - one can see right through that.
"Good impressions" ... "making him regretful" - the party is just your excuse to see him again.
Do not use your friend's going-away for your staging purposes; there will be other opportunties for you to see him, under better emotional conditions.
posted by Kruger5 at 1:38 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Good impressions" ... "making him regretful" - the party is just your excuse to see him again.
Do not use your friend's going-away for your staging purposes; there will be other opportunties for you to see him, under better emotional conditions.
posted by Kruger5 at 1:38 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Kruger5- Point well taken.
"Nothing to do with" is a little harsh. Yeah, it's heavily influenced by seeing him again, but it's not the entire reason.
Yes, I've only known her for a short time. But I've only known him for a short time too. Feelings and connections aren't exclusively time based.
I just want to be clear that I get where I'm coming from is a selfish place. But I'm not completely disingenious.
posted by patientpatient at 1:50 PM on February 29, 2012
"Nothing to do with" is a little harsh. Yeah, it's heavily influenced by seeing him again, but it's not the entire reason.
Yes, I've only known her for a short time. But I've only known him for a short time too. Feelings and connections aren't exclusively time based.
I just want to be clear that I get where I'm coming from is a selfish place. But I'm not completely disingenious.
posted by patientpatient at 1:50 PM on February 29, 2012
Can you have a private meeting with your friend before they go? Over Lunch?
If so then why bother with a party that you will remember more for his presence then the departure of your good friend?
posted by Shouraku at 2:10 PM on February 29, 2012
If so then why bother with a party that you will remember more for his presence then the departure of your good friend?
posted by Shouraku at 2:10 PM on February 29, 2012
I don't think you're being selfish. Parties are for seeing people and it's not wrong to look forward to seeing someone other than the guest of honor. But for you, it seems destructive, and it's important to tend to yourself at this point. Take care of #1.
posted by amodelcitizen at 2:20 PM on February 29, 2012
posted by amodelcitizen at 2:20 PM on February 29, 2012
I'm not clear if you've decided whether to go, but I'm strongly of the opinion that it will be better for you not to go.
posted by J. Wilson at 3:59 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by J. Wilson at 3:59 PM on February 29, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you simply feel you must go because you want to continue a friendship with this person separately from your ex, show up at the door, give the friend a parting gift of something like a bottle of wine, give them a hug, and depart. Don't go inside, if someone else answers the door just ask for the friend and say you're only stopping by for a second.. It sounds like this friend cares about your sanity/emotional health, and they will understand. If they invite you in, just say "I'd better not, but thank you for inviting me."
I do think it would be better for you to not go, but if you're looking for a compromise, I think one like this where you hopefully do not see or have any interaction with him is best.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:54 PM on February 29, 2012
I do think it would be better for you to not go, but if you're looking for a compromise, I think one like this where you hopefully do not see or have any interaction with him is best.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:54 PM on February 29, 2012
It's not a matter of giving in or whatever when it's an issue of protecting your psychological well being. Call the person, wish them well, etc., and then do something else that's way more fun and less dramatic with your night off.
posted by spunweb at 7:46 PM on February 29, 2012
posted by spunweb at 7:46 PM on February 29, 2012
Think of it this way: you're doing them the favor of NOT roping their going away party into your drama with your ex.
posted by spunweb at 7:47 PM on February 29, 2012
posted by spunweb at 7:47 PM on February 29, 2012
Don't go to the party!! You are far too emotional at this point and it may turn out badly if you can't keep your emotions in check. Surely this person that is going away can spare 15 minutes, if you drop by the day after the party and say good-by!
posted by sybarite09 at 5:50 AM on March 1, 2012
posted by sybarite09 at 5:50 AM on March 1, 2012
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posted by skepticallypleased at 11:19 AM on February 29, 2012