I would like an asian girlfriend
February 26, 2012 1:54 AM   Subscribe

I am a caucasian male, who has always been very attracted to asian girls. Specifically Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese and Chinese. I am a member of the regular dating sites okcupid, eharmony and chemistry, but I am not having a lot of luck finding my true love. Any tips?

I hope this post does not come off racist. I really dont know why I think Asian grils are so beautiful but I do. I would love to find my soulmate and settle down. (No I am not looking to rush into anything).

I am on the regular dating sites and I come across asian girls every now and again but not frequently. I dont wish to sign up for one of those import a wife programs. I started looking around for sites that targets dating asian women, one was called JapanCupid, but after doing some research it appears that the "*Cupid" sites are of questionable quality.

I have no problems getting dates in general. I am handsome, have a great career, I am romantic and very charming.

I live in Colorado now, which I think is one of my main problems, since Colorado is pretty darn white.

Does anyone have any hints, experiences, stories, advice etc. Much appreciated.
posted by digividal to Human Relations (31 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite
Move to Asia?
posted by mannequito at 2:11 AM on February 26, 2012 [7 favorites]

Move to Asia. There are lots of girls here who want a "white" boyfriend, especially if you are handsome, romantic, and charming as you say.

However, there are also an increasing number of girls like me, who find it an immediate turn off to know that my date is interested only in Asian girls.
posted by xmts at 2:20 AM on February 26, 2012 [47 favorites]

As a caucasian US citizen currently living in Asia, who has no particular bias toward or against Asian women— all joking and judgment aside, you could do yourself a huge service by moving to southern or central California. Loads of Asian and mixed-Asian girls there, with significantly less hassle and cultural issues than moving yourself to Asia.

NB: I find the white-boyfriend-seeking behaviour I run into on a nearly daily basis to be a big turnoff, so I fully understand the comments from women in this thread.
posted by a halcyon day at 2:28 AM on February 26, 2012 [9 favorites]

Mod note: Some comments deleted; this question will obviously press some buttons, but please try to make your advice helpful in some way. If you just want to castigate the poster, move on.
posted by taz (staff) at 2:32 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

Have you seen these?
There's also some self identity issues here: For advice on finding Asians to date.
I love asian girls: For reading comments about why it's ok to prefer certain physical attributes.
posted by Houstonian at 3:01 AM on February 26, 2012 [4 favorites]

The thing about wooing the ladyfolk is that you have to be genuinely interested in her as a person. So, yes, you are free to have a type - and a lot of us do - but you need to develop this further into shared interests, shared goals, that kind of thing.
posted by mleigh at 3:03 AM on February 26, 2012 [5 favorites]

Move to CA. My son went to school with many Asian women at USC and now has a beautiful Asian American girlfriend he met at work. He is a big white guy who always had lots of Asian friends.
posted by mermayd at 3:23 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

Don't put women (or yourself) on a pedestal, and perhaps you will have a change in your luck. I agree with other commenters that it is okay to have preferences when it comes to physical attraction (I certainly have my own) but I have found that when you get into that sort of "X group is the be all, end all, best and I only want them" mode people notice that and may question your motives. Other commenters will likely remind you of this, but I think your goal should be to seek out women base on personality, heart, shared interests, and general compatibility FIRST, just on the off chance that Asian women are looking at you as just another white guy that fetishizes their existence.

The suggestion of moving to California is a good one. Irvine, San Diego, and Los Angeles college areas are ideal if you're a 20-something with the preferences you have. :) good luck!
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 3:38 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

Best thing about OKC: match percentages. Look at your top matches. Look at why they are your top matches. Look at common linkages between them. You'll then have the ability to make a more all-encompassing list than merely the physical (and I traditionally dated large breasted women, so I get the physical attraction thing. It's just not all there is).

When you can apply that larger list of likes you can work out where those type of people hang out. Go there, hang out, chat people up. Et voila. Sooner or later you'll get dates with awesome people. rather than Asian girls who happen to like white guys.

PS: Sometimes people who like Asians seem to have a thing for the cultural submissiveness. I'd check for that in my top matches if it's something you suspect about yourself.
posted by jaduncan at 4:13 AM on February 26, 2012

Are you into Asian culture at all? You could go to anime conferences, learn Japanese/go to Chinese classes/join a Korean conversation group, volunteer at Asian/Asian American film festivals, etc. Since many people get set up by friends, maybe you'll meet a potential soulmate through a friend...extend your network of Asian friends.

(But only if you're sincerely interested in Asian/Asian-American culture. As an Asian-American female, I'd find it hella creepy that this white guy, though charming and handsome, was volunteering at the film festival box office just so he could meet Asian girls.)
posted by myntu at 4:25 AM on February 26, 2012 [2 favorites]

You could move to China and have a Chinese girlfriend within a week. I see even un-handsome, un-charming white guys with Chinese girlfriends all the time.
posted by bearette at 5:11 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

If you're serious about this and have the qualifications, go teach english in Korea for a year. Every one of my guy friends who went came back with a girlfriend.

Someone I know ended up getting married and staying in Korea. I think he even met her on an online dating site over there.
posted by fromageball at 6:37 AM on February 26, 2012

Moving somewhere where there are more Asian women would certainly improve your chances of meeting women you find attractive and interesting who find you attractive and interesting.
posted by Sidhedevil at 7:31 AM on February 26, 2012

Attraction is not a moral act, no matter how racist that small part of your brain that determines attraction is, that doesn't make you a bad person. How you handle it however, very much can. Your question reads like you don't have very much serious experience with relationships and so I'd encourage you to listen to the other posters here telling you how attraction is only one of the many necessary aspects of a good relationship.
posted by Blasdelb at 8:00 AM on February 26, 2012 [4 favorites]

All of the white guys I've known with Asian fetishes ended up having very superficial, often drama-ridden relationships with the Asian women they dated. I'm mostly talking about Caucasian guys who almost exclusively dated Asian American women. I've known many happy relationships white male/Asian female couples where the guy didn't have a strong racial preference.

The problem is the Asian fetishists I've known usually had very little in common with their girlfriends. I'm sure these guys could have found Asian women willing to date them who were compatible with them, but it was like they didn't even think in those terms. Their fetish often became a sticking point in their relationships, because the girlfriends would feel insulted and devalued once they realized most/all of their boyfriend's exes were also Asian.

Although I personally find Asian fetishists creepy, I don't have a moral problem with them. But I think for their own sake and the sake of the women they get involved with many of them could benefit from developing an appreciation of deeper traits.
posted by timsneezed at 8:26 AM on February 26, 2012 [14 favorites]

My top advice would be to try to keep it to yourself. When you find the chicks that strike your fancy, approach them as individuals.

Nobody gets in trouble for only trying to contact blondes, or women with larger boobs, or who are thin, or whatever. But especially at the start you don't tell the woman "oh, you have (quality X), I love that" or "I was attracted to you because of (quality X)". Every single one is an individual who you may or may not hit it off with, and the fact that (quality X) turns you on and those women are the ones you want to meet, it needs to be your private thang.

The advice about moving - yeah, I guess if you are located where the women do not have (quality X), what the hell are you going to do?
posted by Meatbomb at 8:29 AM on February 26, 2012 [4 favorites]

And as timsneezed says above, be really careful to actually like the person. The fetish/preference aspect might help for sex or your own aesthetic contentment. But you want a relationship with a girl who you like and who likes you (and who, preferably, is Asian) - you don't want a relationship with an Asian girl.
posted by Meatbomb at 8:34 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

Nobody gets in trouble for only trying to contact blondes, or women with larger boobs, or who are thin, or whatever. But especially at the start you don't tell the woman "oh, you have (quality X), I love that" or "I was attracted to you because of (quality X)". Every single one is an individual who you may or may not hit it off with, and the fact that (quality X) turns you on and those women are the ones you want to meet, it needs to be your private thang.

I think there are a couple of important differences here. I wouldn't personally be offended if I found out a guy I was dating had a thing for blondes. But being blonde is just one physical attribute. Your ethnic makeup in some ways defines a lot of your appearance.

So if you find out you're dating someone who fetishizes your ethnicity, there's the sense that your ethnic makeup might be most or all of what they care about. It seems more plausible that someone could base a relationship on a whole host of physical traits rather than just one.

Then there's the whole submissive stereotype associated with Asian women and how that plays in for a lot of fetishists.
posted by timsneezed at 8:38 AM on February 26, 2012 [8 favorites]

I am a caucasian male, who has always been very attracted to asian girls. Specifically Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese and Chinese. I am a member of the regular dating sites okcupid, eharmony and chemistry, but I am not having a lot of luck finding my true love. Any tips?

Ok, so you're in Colorado, which is pretty darn white. Well, were are Asian people? Probably at Asian restaurants. Thus, start frequenting Asian restaurants. When you come across an attractive Asian woman, then become a non-creepy regular and go ahead and flirt and talk. Non-creepy means you don't show up every day or week. Make it natural, sort of like when you're hungry for Asian cuisine. Go with friends, to show you have a life and aren't a creepy stalker. If she's not interested, move on.

You don't mention the level of attraction. Is it just physical or are you interested in the culture also? Because the latter would make it much easier and more respectable in most eyes. Nothing wrong with being more into a culture that you weren't born into.

Otherwise, move to a location with a larger Asian population. It is fine if you're most attracted to Asian women, just don't be creepy about it.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:42 AM on February 26, 2012

I'm not sure why some responders seem to be assuming that the OP *only* cares about his future girlfriend's looks/race. I think we can give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that there's a good chance he also cares about her personality; he probably just didn't come out and say it because it normally goes without saying.

He seems to think Asian women are better looking than other types of women. I don't think that *necessarily* makes him a fetishist or a creep, nor does it necessarily mean he likes submissive women, etc. (though these things certainly could be true of him - we just don't know since we don't know him).

OP, are you only willing to date Asian women? If so, you are severely limiting your dating pool, particularly since you live in an area with few people of Asian background. I imagine you will need to make other compromises to make up for this, i.e., compromising on age or income or sense or humor or any other trait, OR accept that it might take you longer than other guys to find a girlfriend. If you're not ok with any of those types of compromises/waiting, you may have to consider moving to a different area. But something's gotta give here unless you get really lucky.
posted by whitelily at 8:46 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

Also, have you ever dated an Asian woman before? It's not clear from your question.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:48 AM on February 26, 2012

Nobody gets in trouble for only trying to contact blondes, or women with larger boobs, or who are thin, or whatever.

Where have you been? Yes they do. And they get dumped. Back in the day, I personally dumped guys who were complacent about preferring thin blondes. Never had the large boobs so I can't help you there. But there is something so irritating about all of that.

To the OP: let's see, you could move, you could teach ESL either in the US or in Asia. (Here in Chicago, a lot of my ESL students have been Asian.) If your career enables you to travel, you could use the internet to find people in California or Hawaii, and then go there.

Or, start vacationing regularly in Asia or a place with a higher Asian population and get to know local people. Seriously, this last one might be the best. Pick a place, say Tokyo, and start accumulating those frequent-flier miles. A lot of people do this anyway, just because they like the place.
posted by BibiRose at 9:16 AM on February 26, 2012 [3 favorites]

Are you having trouble getting dates with Asian women in Colorado? Are you blowing it on those dates? What exactly is the problem that you are trying to solve?

You'll probably have more success on dates if you treat them just like anyone else you would date.

You'll probably have more success finding dates if you move from Colorado to a less "white" place -- have you considered moving?
posted by J. Wilson at 9:18 AM on February 26, 2012

Let's face it, there are probably a damn many people on the world who would make great partners, based only on their interests and personality. It's no good if you are simply not attracted to them.
I often tell people who say they are attracted only to English or German people that they are shallow and should think about what they are really attracted to; Caucasian is Caucasian, so it's not "they are all handsome" - at least not more than any other Caucasian group of people. However, you say you're generally attracted to Asians and don't narrow it down to a small fraction by nationality - so you are probably attracted to the qualities most Asian women share. That's perfectly fine and not shallow to me, it's just being honest.

I can't tell you where to move or what hobbies to pick up to meet Asian women, but maybe it helps to change your online dating profiles from "I like Asian women" to "I like women who are shorter than me, have straight dark hair, brown eyes..." and so on. That takes away the "prejudiced" part of sorting potential dates by nationality.
posted by MinusCelsius at 9:19 AM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

Seek out opportunities to make friends who are Asian. I DON'T mean go specifically find a person to be your Asian Best Friend (tm Stephen Colbert), a person you're just using as a tool; go make real (even casual) friends with people. Like jobhunting, you're most likely to meet new romantic partners through people you know, and expanding your social circle gives you more friends who have single female friends, relatives, coworkers, etc. and your friends can in turn vet you as creepy or non-creepy to those single women.

And yeah, continue with the soul-searching about the roots of your fetish and how you can accept it without letting it dictate the kind of person you are. Women like it when their partners find them attractive, obviously. You don't need to force yourself to date people you find unattractive, but of the attractive women you date, ask yourself, Would I like this person and enjoy her company even if she (weren't Asian / didn't have this attractive fetish aspect)? Or is the attraction entirely based on her fetishy hotness, regardless of who she is as a person? Even without the race/ethnicity aspect (&the long sexual stereotype history of Asian women): No woman (person!) would enjoy their partner explaining "I'm attracted to you because you are similar in these involuntary ways to my childhood crush who was an "angel" I never really talked to and didn't actually know that well and who being Too Good For This Sinful Earth later died, keeping her frozen forever the same in my memory." Because there's no way for a real flawed person to compete with Dulcinea.
posted by nicebookrack at 11:37 AM on February 26, 2012 [3 favorites]

Just underlining what meatbomb said.

I know I would be a little weirded out if a girl confessed that the only reason she liked me was my dutch ancestry-- going on into a long romantic spiel about the Hansa and Amsterdam's history, etc.

I wouldn't be bothered at all if someone said 'I prefer to date taller, stockier men.'

It is perfectly okay to like someone's physical attributes. You absolutely can say 'I like brunettes' or 'I like women with brown eyes.'

It would be a shame however, if you missed on Ms. Right because she had blue eyes, and was sitting right across from you there in Colorado.
posted by mrdaneri at 12:16 PM on February 26, 2012 [8 favorites]

i'd definately suggest moving if it's something you can do. it's all a matter of priorities. can you keep your job if you move somewhere else? can you work in the same field, but at a different company? can you afford to take one or two years away from your career to teach english and live in an asian country? or, a quick search on OKCupid shows many asian and asian-american women in denver. you may not have to move too far to increase your chances.

(on preview of your other questions, it doesn't look like moving out of colorado is much of an option for you)

if you really are able to go on dates don't give up too much hope. if you were to arbitrarily choose an attribute that is "must have" status for a partner ... you could chosen something with far fewer "qualified" people. you're not saying your future partner must be willing to let you take a shit on her. there literally are hundreds of millions of asian women in the world. but, yea, you may need to move to meet some of them.
posted by cupcake1337 at 12:49 PM on February 26, 2012

I'd suggest pursuing hobbies/activities that you love and try to meet people that way -- the same way you would try to meet anyone compatible with you as a friend or girlfriend. (I agree that if you want to raise your odds, you might have to relocate.) My husband and I met 13 years ago at a bike race and have many other common interests. It also happens that I'm half Asian and am attracted to tallish men with athletic builds and blue eyes; he is a tallish, athletically built man with blue eyes who is attracted to women of Asian descent. Win-win.
posted by mingshan at 1:16 PM on February 26, 2012 [1 favorite]

I am on the regular dating sites and I come across asian girls every now and again but not frequently

It's unclear whether you are searching for matches on dating sites, or just taking what they suggest. Do the former if you're not already, and use the advanced search features to select for what you care about.

On OKCupid, for example, you can search by ethnicity: match search, click on "advanced," select "ethnicity," and then select "Asian." I did a query for science and found a zillion matches within 50 miles of Denver.
posted by zippy at 2:48 PM on February 26, 2012

Please do not go to Asian restaurants and ask the wait staff out. That is the number one least favorite thing of every Asian-American woman I know who has ever worked in an Asian restaurant. Your chances of finding a date that way seem minuscule at best, and your chances of skeeving out nice ladies who are just trying to do their jobs is super high--even those nice ladies who might otherwise be totally into you if you met elsewhere.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:19 PM on February 26, 2012 [4 favorites]

Speaking as an Asian-American woman, I don't think it's inherently wrong for a Caucasian man to be attracted to Asian women, but it worries me that "Asian" is the only quality you've mentioned for your desired "soulmate". Usually the men I encounter who emphasize their Asian fetish have a tendency to overly focus on the superficial qualities and end up putting their dates on weird cultural pedestals and treat them like interchangeable representations of their exotic, dark-eyed fantasy. To be fair, I've found the same kind of behaviors in anyone who fixates on a single physical type (blondes, big breasts, skinny emo dudes, etc.), but since I'm of Japanese descent, I have more personal experience with white dudes claiming to suffer from "yellow fever" (ick).

You can find single Asians in every state in the union, even Colorado, although you may want to venture into a city or at least a college town. If you move to California, Hawaii, or anywhere in Asia, your odds will increase pretty dramatically, but unless you have a healthy sense of respect for your potential mates as individuals, rather than as "Sexy Ethnicity" or "Cultural Ambassador", you're going to end up gambling long-term compatibility solely on superficial physical attraction, and that's where things start to feel creepy/vaguely racist.

To me, pretty much the only way to not make this creepy is to consciously widen your mental filters to include more criteria than just "Asian". Instead of "Where the Asian girls at?", try to figure out where women who share your values or interests hang out and see if you're attracted to any of them. It's fine if you only end up asking out Asian women because that's what you're primarily attracted to, but it will probably serve you better in the long run to identify and actively seek out other qualities you want in a mate than just ethnicity.

I sincerely hope you wouldn't want your "Caucasian-ness" to be the only reason for women to date you, so just try to conduct yourself accordingly.
posted by Diagonalize at 11:34 PM on February 26, 2012 [8 favorites]

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