Toiling over Wedding Venue!
February 23, 2012 7:47 PM Subscribe
I have a dilemma regarding wedding venue. Months ago, I decided on a wedding venue, mom put down the deposit, the end. I am in the south and both the church and the reception were downtown historic buildings, very ritzy and high-class looking--what I envisioned a wedding should be.
The rub is about a month ago, my aunt volunteered to help with the decorations, we bring her buy the place, and she starts finding fault, telling us about this other place that's so much better supposedly.
She does not like the historic look and says it reminds her of let's just say cultural stains of the south. To this day, I'm not sure why she felt compelled to share her opinion on the venue since that's not what we asked of her, but she did. A few days later my mom starts giving hints here and there that she'd like to go see the new place. We do. I am unimpressed. It is new-ish but doesn't have half the character of the other place. There is no "wow" for me. It's not in the greatest of locations, kind-of a rundown area in my opinion, and it's relatively hard to find. HOWEVER, from a pracitcal standpoint, it holds more people (we will likely need space for at least 200, the first place will squeeze that in with maybe a miniscule space for dancing), it is less expensive, and the bar is way less expensive than at the first place.
We now have deposits in BOTH places and my mom just told me I have the final say. I am torn, my stomach is in knots. Basically, I am having to choose between glamour and practicality. I will remember my glamourous wedding years from now, but what will I remember about a practical, run-of-the mill wedding? I don't know what to do. What is the best choice here? Please help me, I only have like one day to figure this out. Thanks in advance.
She does not like the historic look and says it reminds her of let's just say cultural stains of the south. To this day, I'm not sure why she felt compelled to share her opinion on the venue since that's not what we asked of her, but she did. A few days later my mom starts giving hints here and there that she'd like to go see the new place. We do. I am unimpressed. It is new-ish but doesn't have half the character of the other place. There is no "wow" for me. It's not in the greatest of locations, kind-of a rundown area in my opinion, and it's relatively hard to find. HOWEVER, from a pracitcal standpoint, it holds more people (we will likely need space for at least 200, the first place will squeeze that in with maybe a miniscule space for dancing), it is less expensive, and the bar is way less expensive than at the first place.
We now have deposits in BOTH places and my mom just told me I have the final say. I am torn, my stomach is in knots. Basically, I am having to choose between glamour and practicality. I will remember my glamourous wedding years from now, but what will I remember about a practical, run-of-the mill wedding? I don't know what to do. What is the best choice here? Please help me, I only have like one day to figure this out. Thanks in advance.
It's YOUR wedding. Your mother and your aunt had their weddings and got to do what they wanted for THEIR weddings; now it's YOUR turn to call the shots.
You decided months ago that you wanted the charming venue with character, glamour is what you had your heart set on in the beginning, that's final. Tell your mother that you made up your mind already, and that's that.
And if your aunt starts crabbing about how this other place is so much better, then just smile sweetly and say "I'm sorry you don't feel like you can do a good job decorating for us in the venue I want, then. If you'd rather we let someone else help with the decorating, I'd understand, I guess...." I bet she'll change her tune.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:52 PM on February 23, 2012 [13 favorites]
You decided months ago that you wanted the charming venue with character, glamour is what you had your heart set on in the beginning, that's final. Tell your mother that you made up your mind already, and that's that.
And if your aunt starts crabbing about how this other place is so much better, then just smile sweetly and say "I'm sorry you don't feel like you can do a good job decorating for us in the venue I want, then. If you'd rather we let someone else help with the decorating, I'd understand, I guess...." I bet she'll change her tune.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:52 PM on February 23, 2012 [13 favorites]
If you are adult enough to get married, then you are adult enough to make this decision on your own, or with input from your fiancé.
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:53 PM on February 23, 2012
posted by BlahLaLa at 7:53 PM on February 23, 2012
You can start by telling your Aunt and now Mother to go fuck themselves, if only in your head, this is your wedding not theirs. Do you have good brides maids? Having them to back you up with your mother, and your husband's if relevant, is pretty much exactly what they're for.
From your description, you seemed excited about the first plan for the wedding, but I'm not reading any excitement about the second plan.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:54 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
From your description, you seemed excited about the first plan for the wedding, but I'm not reading any excitement about the second plan.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:54 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Feel free to ignore your aunt's / mom's suggestions here. You are not required to let your aunt overrule you on HUGE decisions about your wedding. You are being pushed here; be polite but you don't have to be nice.
The only concern I would have is: how big a deal will it be on your wedding day. Are you going to be concerned that your aunt is upset, and will that interfere with your enjoyment of the day? If so you may be forced to give in.
But I hate to see this kind of hypersensitive busibodihood succeed.
posted by grobstein at 7:55 PM on February 23, 2012
The only concern I would have is: how big a deal will it be on your wedding day. Are you going to be concerned that your aunt is upset, and will that interfere with your enjoyment of the day? If so you may be forced to give in.
But I hate to see this kind of hypersensitive busibodihood succeed.
posted by grobstein at 7:55 PM on February 23, 2012
Guests can deal with a crowded dance floor. People have been to weddings where space is a bit limited. You'll never be happy by choosing the second location that you didn't love. Tell the Aunt thanks for the input, but go with the venue you wanted.
posted by xingcat at 7:56 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by xingcat at 7:56 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
You should do whatever you want to do that is within your budget (try your best to avoid wedding debt!). You'll only remember the important stuff about your wedding years from now, so it would suck to still be paying for the unimportant stuff. If you can afford the wedding you want at place #1, go for it!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:56 PM on February 23, 2012
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:56 PM on February 23, 2012
Also, putting down a deposit on a place without your final go ahead reeks of wedding capture and boundary issues. That kind of shit is out of line.
posted by Blasdelb at 7:58 PM on February 23, 2012 [18 favorites]
posted by Blasdelb at 7:58 PM on February 23, 2012 [18 favorites]
You've been planning your whole wedding with the first two places in mind. Stick with the original plan. Now is not the time to be making big changes, no matter who recommends it or why. And have fun on the big day!
posted by hms71 at 8:04 PM on February 23, 2012
posted by hms71 at 8:04 PM on February 23, 2012
It sounds like Mom is paying. Is there any chance she recruited your aunt to make a case for the second place because she got cold feet about paying for the more expensive first place? She may not want to disappoint you, but upon reflection decided she couldn't swing place #1.
posted by apparently at 8:24 PM on February 23, 2012
posted by apparently at 8:24 PM on February 23, 2012
Paraphrasing C. S. Lewis, he said once that the reason there is so much more drama among family than friends is that family, on the whole, treats each other worse than friends do.
To directly answer your question, go with where you feel most comfortable/confident at this time. You don't need additional stress at this time. If it turns out fine in the end, great. But if there are problems, "I made the best decision I could given the facts" is a better hindsight than "Why did I let others decide something so important?"
posted by forthright at 8:27 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
To directly answer your question, go with where you feel most comfortable/confident at this time. You don't need additional stress at this time. If it turns out fine in the end, great. But if there are problems, "I made the best decision I could given the facts" is a better hindsight than "Why did I let others decide something so important?"
posted by forthright at 8:27 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Go with the place you like better (assuming you can afford it). It's your wedding. Everyone else will be happy for you and will cope with the tight squeeze.
Also, FWIW, this would give you a good excuse to gracefully trim the guest list if you want. (Sorry guys, fire codes, can't invite third cousins or all your parents' golf buddies).
posted by elizeh at 8:27 PM on February 23, 2012
Also, FWIW, this would give you a good excuse to gracefully trim the guest list if you want. (Sorry guys, fire codes, can't invite third cousins or all your parents' golf buddies).
posted by elizeh at 8:27 PM on February 23, 2012
I think you need to woman up and get married where you want to get married. Tell your mother to talk to your aunt (I assume we are talking about her sister) and explain to her that if she has nothing nice to say say nothing at all.
Of course, if you want to say that to the aunt directly yourself, you have my blessing as long as you throw in a "bless your heart" in there somewhere.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:28 PM on February 23, 2012 [7 favorites]
Of course, if you want to say that to the aunt directly yourself, you have my blessing as long as you throw in a "bless your heart" in there somewhere.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 8:28 PM on February 23, 2012 [7 favorites]
It's your wedding. Choose the one you want. End of story.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:29 PM on February 23, 2012
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:29 PM on February 23, 2012
Sorry to disagree with most everyone but...if you are having your mom pay then she gets a say. If you want the first place then you should be prepared to pay for it.
posted by yodelingisfun at 8:32 PM on February 23, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by yodelingisfun at 8:32 PM on February 23, 2012 [4 favorites]
I didn't love the place where my reception was. It's hideous. Truly. But, it was practical - inexpensive and more roomy. We still had fun. And we're still married. In my opinion that's all that matters. It will be your special, fun, amazing reception wherever it is (even if there are decades of previous Bishops portraits as backdrop). I'd also go for the more affordable bar, that would be my deciding factor, because I like to imbibe!
posted by JacksonandFinch at 8:32 PM on February 23, 2012
posted by JacksonandFinch at 8:32 PM on February 23, 2012
Do what you want, ignore your Aunt. Consider this a practice run for what's to come ahead, because same Aunt will criticize your choice of wedding party, bridesmaid dresses, colour of dresses, style of tuxedo, your wedding dress, the rehersal dinner menu, your choice of guests, the music, the ceremony, the behaviour of guests, the reception cocktails, the flower girl's behaviour, the weather, the dinner, the music, where you will honeymonn and on and on and on.
So start early, and begin ignoring her now.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 8:42 PM on February 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
So start early, and begin ignoring her now.
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 8:42 PM on February 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
It's your wedding and you should have it where you want. But. If your mother is paying, how much impact will the more expensive venue have on her? If she's struggling to pay for the more expensive place, can you offer to pay the difference?
It's none of your aunt's business and only your mother's if she is paying.
posted by dg at 8:53 PM on February 23, 2012 [7 favorites]
It's none of your aunt's business and only your mother's if she is paying.
posted by dg at 8:53 PM on February 23, 2012 [7 favorites]
Do what YOU want.
You'll likely not have many memories of the space once the whirl of the day starts. You'll mostly remember the events and the people. But, you will have video and pictures with which to reminisce. If some of the charm of the venue you liked is something that will come through in various posed pictures I suspect you'll get a lot more memories out of it.
posted by meinvt at 9:03 PM on February 23, 2012
You'll likely not have many memories of the space once the whirl of the day starts. You'll mostly remember the events and the people. But, you will have video and pictures with which to reminisce. If some of the charm of the venue you liked is something that will come through in various posed pictures I suspect you'll get a lot more memories out of it.
posted by meinvt at 9:03 PM on February 23, 2012
Taste is a funny thing--if you ain't got it, you don't miss it. But if you do, ugly spaces are simply unpleasant. So don't settle for some modern dump. But feel free to seek out a more affordable historic venue!
posted by Scram at 9:14 PM on February 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Scram at 9:14 PM on February 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
Glamorous place, invite less people. I've never regretted having a small wedding at a historic (and expensive!) hotel. Hopefully you'll only be doing this once, right?
posted by desjardins at 9:52 PM on February 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 9:52 PM on February 23, 2012 [2 favorites]
Good lord. Have it at the place you like. Auntie never should have butted in with her place, and you mom never should have entertained her interference.
posted by SLC Mom at 10:15 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by SLC Mom at 10:15 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
Aunt shouldn't interfere. But I wonder whether your mom asked her to because mom is having trouble with the cost of the first place. Sometimes parents are funny like that - asking for proxy help because they don't want to offend their kids for fear of estrangement.
So talk to your mom. Figure out if it's actually she who has the problem with the first venue. If not, then by all means tell your aunt to butt out.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:31 PM on February 23, 2012 [6 favorites]
So talk to your mom. Figure out if it's actually she who has the problem with the first venue. If not, then by all means tell your aunt to butt out.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:31 PM on February 23, 2012 [6 favorites]
My old man had some interesting advice regarding commitments such as, well, most anything actually.
"Once you've made a deal, stop looking," he said. "The only thing you'll get is unhappy with the deal you made."
posted by trinity8-director at 11:10 PM on February 23, 2012 [6 favorites]
"Once you've made a deal, stop looking," he said. "The only thing you'll get is unhappy with the deal you made."
posted by trinity8-director at 11:10 PM on February 23, 2012 [6 favorites]
If Mom is paying, Mom does get a say. Sit down with your Mom and ask if there are other reasons for the second venue? If it is cheaper, Mom may be worried about money, as weddings are outrageously expensive.
If it is money, and you really want the first place, money up. Seriously, if that is what it comes down to, help Mom out, or go with the cheaper place. When it comes down to it, the most important things about a wedding are that you are married at the end of the day.
Also, do take into account that you will not have much of a dance floor at the one venue. If your families, and friends, are typically dancing types at weddings, you want enough room for them to move and enjoy themselves.
I just went back and reread, it seems the bar at the second venue is much cheaper, then really you need to talk to your Mom. I'm sure she is looking at dollars and cents, especially knowing how much more money to go on your wedding.
posted by SuzySmith at 11:50 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
If it is money, and you really want the first place, money up. Seriously, if that is what it comes down to, help Mom out, or go with the cheaper place. When it comes down to it, the most important things about a wedding are that you are married at the end of the day.
Also, do take into account that you will not have much of a dance floor at the one venue. If your families, and friends, are typically dancing types at weddings, you want enough room for them to move and enjoy themselves.
I just went back and reread, it seems the bar at the second venue is much cheaper, then really you need to talk to your Mom. I'm sure she is looking at dollars and cents, especially knowing how much more money to go on your wedding.
posted by SuzySmith at 11:50 PM on February 23, 2012 [1 favorite]
"what will I remember about a practical, run-of-the mill wedding?"
Getting married to the love of your life. The happiness of your loved ones in helping you celebrate the momentous occasion of your union. The wedding outfits. The cake. Maybe the first song. Possibly even your vows, years later.
That said, the first venue seems to meet your internal expectations of what the day should look like more closely, despite apparently containing more planning stress and financial burden. If you feel that's a good tradeoff for what you envision a wedding should be, then go with the first venue.
Folks are right that your mom may be looking for an out on the more expensive place, but you can only take her at her word that it's your decision. Go with what feels right to you.
posted by batmonkey at 11:54 PM on February 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
Getting married to the love of your life. The happiness of your loved ones in helping you celebrate the momentous occasion of your union. The wedding outfits. The cake. Maybe the first song. Possibly even your vows, years later.
That said, the first venue seems to meet your internal expectations of what the day should look like more closely, despite apparently containing more planning stress and financial burden. If you feel that's a good tradeoff for what you envision a wedding should be, then go with the first venue.
Folks are right that your mom may be looking for an out on the more expensive place, but you can only take her at her word that it's your decision. Go with what feels right to you.
posted by batmonkey at 11:54 PM on February 23, 2012 [3 favorites]
1. Tell Auntie Busybody to butt out, it's none of her business.
2. Ask your mom (without Aunt Busybody in the room!) if the higher price of the original, charming place is a problem; if not, chose the one YOU want.
3. If all else fails, and they guilt-trip or otherwise force you into Aunt's choice when you don't want it, then ELOPE! (I'm afraid that yes, I can see them pulling the deposit on the first place without telling you, so that the only option left this close to the wedding date is the second, warehouse-y place.)
posted by easily confused at 3:31 AM on February 24, 2012
2. Ask your mom (without Aunt Busybody in the room!) if the higher price of the original, charming place is a problem; if not, chose the one YOU want.
3. If all else fails, and they guilt-trip or otherwise force you into Aunt's choice when you don't want it, then ELOPE! (I'm afraid that yes, I can see them pulling the deposit on the first place without telling you, so that the only option left this close to the wedding date is the second, warehouse-y place.)
posted by easily confused at 3:31 AM on February 24, 2012
If the historic place says it all, say like Westminster Abbey (all it took was some potted trees inside, you know?) and the decorations are minimal, cool. If the difference in price between the two means that your aunt can turn it into high school prom/fantasy wedding/Love Boat, and everybody can dance, well maybe cool too.
Make them lay out their nefarious plans in detail, or stick to your guns for the first place.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 7:06 AM on February 24, 2012
Make them lay out their nefarious plans in detail, or stick to your guns for the first place.
posted by halfbuckaroo at 7:06 AM on February 24, 2012
It's ridiculous that you now have two deposits down on two different places. I hope the second one is refundable. If you want the wedding to be in the first place, even if it's smaller, then have it there! Who cares what your mom and aunt think; this is YOUR WEDDING, and you only get one! You are an adult too, and you have the authority to say no. Now, you don't need to be MEAN to your mom/aunt (unless they start being mean to you about it), but basically just repeat endlessly "I'm sorry that won't work out." "I'm sorry you feel that way." "I'm sorry that won't be possible."
Congratulations on your wedding, and I hope you have the wedding you want!
posted by agress at 9:12 AM on February 24, 2012
Congratulations on your wedding, and I hope you have the wedding you want!
posted by agress at 9:12 AM on February 24, 2012
I don't mean to be dismissive, but it totally does not matter where you have the wedding. You are not having to "choose between glamor and practicality" - you are going to have a glamorous, wonderful wedding full of special memories no matter what. There are so many decisions big and small that go into planning a wedding, and you will make yourself CRAZY if you attach that much meaning to any of them. Be a sane, confident bride: make a decision and don't look back.
posted by robinpME at 1:39 PM on February 24, 2012
posted by robinpME at 1:39 PM on February 24, 2012
I sure hope we have an update on this.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:51 AM on February 25, 2012
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 6:51 AM on February 25, 2012
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