Social Hacks for NYC Needed
February 21, 2012 3:44 PM Subscribe
My partner recently moved to NYC from the Northwest. Help me help him (geeky, science-loving, and politically active) find friends that aren't already mine!
My partner recently (well, several months ago) took a new job and moved to NYC to make our long distance relationship a no-distance relationship. Our relationship has only gotten better, but his non-me social life has suffered significantly. He's having trouble finding new friends here, I think, in part due to cultural differences between the Northwest and NYC. For example, when strangers approach him and start talking, he thinks it's rude, so would never think of doing the same. When people ask him questions, he thinks they're being intrusive instead of social.
I have a broad social network, all of which has been very welcoming and inclusive to him. But this means that the only people he's been hanging out with since he got here are friends of mine, who see him as "the partner." When people ask us to hang out, they ask both of us, not him alone. This means he doesn't really have anyone to hang out with and go do things with separately from me, and it's causing a bit of friction on our relationship-if he's interested in something, he can either do it with me, or generally not at all. Though he never tries to push me, I feel a bit guilty being his only chance at socialization.
We both have talked about it and agreed that he needs to find more friends. But neither of us have any idea where he can do it. I'm extremely extroverted and make friends wherever I go, so the notion of going somewhere to deliberately look for friends is confusing to me.
His special details:
He's in his late twenties and very outdoorsy: interested in cycling and backpacking and all that stuff. He's also very geeky: interested in Star Trek and physics and open-source programming. He is intensely interested in politics, but not in "party politics" or "philosophical clubs". He wants to actually work on campaigns to make real people's lives better or fight unjust laws, not get X candidate elected or talk endlessly about the ideal society.
Both of us have tried the usual ways to find things (the internet), but simply can't. Please help! Are there any ways to do this that we might not have thought of?
My partner recently (well, several months ago) took a new job and moved to NYC to make our long distance relationship a no-distance relationship. Our relationship has only gotten better, but his non-me social life has suffered significantly. He's having trouble finding new friends here, I think, in part due to cultural differences between the Northwest and NYC. For example, when strangers approach him and start talking, he thinks it's rude, so would never think of doing the same. When people ask him questions, he thinks they're being intrusive instead of social.
I have a broad social network, all of which has been very welcoming and inclusive to him. But this means that the only people he's been hanging out with since he got here are friends of mine, who see him as "the partner." When people ask us to hang out, they ask both of us, not him alone. This means he doesn't really have anyone to hang out with and go do things with separately from me, and it's causing a bit of friction on our relationship-if he's interested in something, he can either do it with me, or generally not at all. Though he never tries to push me, I feel a bit guilty being his only chance at socialization.
We both have talked about it and agreed that he needs to find more friends. But neither of us have any idea where he can do it. I'm extremely extroverted and make friends wherever I go, so the notion of going somewhere to deliberately look for friends is confusing to me.
His special details:
He's in his late twenties and very outdoorsy: interested in cycling and backpacking and all that stuff. He's also very geeky: interested in Star Trek and physics and open-source programming. He is intensely interested in politics, but not in "party politics" or "philosophical clubs". He wants to actually work on campaigns to make real people's lives better or fight unjust laws, not get X candidate elected or talk endlessly about the ideal society.
Both of us have tried the usual ways to find things (the internet), but simply can't. Please help! Are there any ways to do this that we might not have thought of?
Interested in cycling and backpacking If he is a serious cyclist (as in ~50 miles or more on average), check out NYCC.org.Very friendly, affordable membership ($25?), and they ride anywhere from NYCC to NJ,upper New York,etc. Or if doesn't want to ride that much (slower, shorter distances) check out this group in the spring. They post their rides online.
Check out meetup.org - they definitely have scifi groups, a cycling group,etc. Not sure how easy it is to make friends that way, but the groups exists and it is easy to signup for 10000 groups.
posted by Wolfster at 3:58 PM on February 21, 2012
Check out meetup.org - they definitely have scifi groups, a cycling group,etc. Not sure how easy it is to make friends that way, but the groups exists and it is easy to signup for 10000 groups.
posted by Wolfster at 3:58 PM on February 21, 2012
Have you thought of coming to a MetaFilter meetup? We are geeky, political, cycle-loving people, generally.
I second this answer (not that I know New York, but it's how I met people when I moved to the Bay Area).
That being said, you're the mefite, so it may end up that he still ends up being seen as the partner. But if you end up with friends that you and he met at the same time, instead of meeting you first and then him, that may be enough.
posted by madcaptenor at 4:02 PM on February 21, 2012
I second this answer (not that I know New York, but it's how I met people when I moved to the Bay Area).
That being said, you're the mefite, so it may end up that he still ends up being seen as the partner. But if you end up with friends that you and he met at the same time, instead of meeting you first and then him, that may be enough.
posted by madcaptenor at 4:02 PM on February 21, 2012
One more thing as I read the list-
He may enjoy the activities listed in Science & the City (they have an email list), which includes everything from science-themed plays, lectures, etc. They mail you a list with events usually every week or so. Or if he wants researcher-level talks, then the New York Academy of Sciences is really good and they also have an email list for lectures.
Also, nothing is posted yet, but in June there is usually a World Science Festival (see last years events) and really big researchers speak (usually lay people level,but the talks are phenomenal).They also have movies ,plays, all-science themed.
posted by Wolfster at 4:13 PM on February 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
He may enjoy the activities listed in Science & the City (they have an email list), which includes everything from science-themed plays, lectures, etc. They mail you a list with events usually every week or so. Or if he wants researcher-level talks, then the New York Academy of Sciences is really good and they also have an email list for lectures.
Also, nothing is posted yet, but in June there is usually a World Science Festival (see last years events) and really big researchers speak (usually lay people level,but the talks are phenomenal).They also have movies ,plays, all-science themed.
posted by Wolfster at 4:13 PM on February 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
The New York-North Jersey Chapter of the Appalachian Mountain Club "Over 8,000+ hikes, walks, canoe and kayak outings, and bike trips, singles events, backpacks, ski activities, and other outdoor events annually"
posted by blaneyphoto at 4:24 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by blaneyphoto at 4:24 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Is Occupy still active in NYC? Is he interested in it? That seems like a good way to plug in with local activist circles - and even if Occupy itself isn't his cup of tea, it might be a good way to find out about local causes/campaigns that are.
I made almost the opposite move a few years ago (Boston to Seattle) and it took a good year before I started feeling comfortable socially, and it's still hard sometimes. I find myself wondering why people are so cold and unfriendly sometimes, because I expect that brand of East Coast gregariousness. But over time, I have been able to slowly adjust and I'm sure your partner will as well.
posted by lunasol at 4:25 PM on February 21, 2012
I made almost the opposite move a few years ago (Boston to Seattle) and it took a good year before I started feeling comfortable socially, and it's still hard sometimes. I find myself wondering why people are so cold and unfriendly sometimes, because I expect that brand of East Coast gregariousness. But over time, I have been able to slowly adjust and I'm sure your partner will as well.
posted by lunasol at 4:25 PM on February 21, 2012
I'm sure everybody else will talk about how your boyfriend can find his own friends, so I'll limit my comment to the unevenness of friendships. My boyfriend has lived in our city all his life, while I moved out only a few months before we met. So I don't have a solid separate network from him.
Eventually all our friends are Our Friends. He's a major part of my life, so my friends have taken him in, and the same is true with his friends. In the beginning, I reached out to the girls and specifically asked for a "Girl's Night". Having a few outings without the significant other helped me develop a relationship with them on somewhat equal footing.
It helped that I gossip. That meant that we could swap stories to bridge that awkward gap and create a bond on our shared love for Boyfriend. They tell me about The College Years, so I don't feel left out of their nostalgia. And I tell them about how I thought the first date was going terribly because I didn't recognize any of the bands he was waxing on about until we both could settle on Atom and His Package, and they assure me that he has notoriously obscure taste, but he's never elitist about it.
Men might not need that. They agree on a beer, neither of them have a history of beating me, so it's all cool.
I also slant the vacations towards my friends back home. This has been accidental because we're at Wedding Age. Attending a wedding for his friends is a one night event. Attending a wedding for me means plane trip, hotel, lots of family and friends time. It's been a nice perk because it helps me feel like I'm not just adjusting to his life, we're adjusting to our life together.
posted by politikitty at 4:26 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
Eventually all our friends are Our Friends. He's a major part of my life, so my friends have taken him in, and the same is true with his friends. In the beginning, I reached out to the girls and specifically asked for a "Girl's Night". Having a few outings without the significant other helped me develop a relationship with them on somewhat equal footing.
It helped that I gossip. That meant that we could swap stories to bridge that awkward gap and create a bond on our shared love for Boyfriend. They tell me about The College Years, so I don't feel left out of their nostalgia. And I tell them about how I thought the first date was going terribly because I didn't recognize any of the bands he was waxing on about until we both could settle on Atom and His Package, and they assure me that he has notoriously obscure taste, but he's never elitist about it.
Men might not need that. They agree on a beer, neither of them have a history of beating me, so it's all cool.
I also slant the vacations towards my friends back home. This has been accidental because we're at Wedding Age. Attending a wedding for his friends is a one night event. Attending a wedding for me means plane trip, hotel, lots of family and friends time. It's been a nice perk because it helps me feel like I'm not just adjusting to his life, we're adjusting to our life together.
posted by politikitty at 4:26 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
If he likes working with technology and doing hacker things he should go to a craft night at NYC Resistor. Generally it is just a group of geeky open source people working on their projecta together around a big table. Everyone is more than happy to show you what they are working on and offer advice. Also laser cutters and makerBots...
posted by Bengston at 4:31 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Bengston at 4:31 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]
My husband and I moved to a new city 6 or 7 years ago. Neither of us knew anyone here. Both of us are self employed. Neither of use is fantastic of making friends, but I have made more friends than he has and that's partly because he's not very good at it. He doesn't invite people to things, or take the initiative to go to things, or seem to follow up to casual invites, and I find that really weird because the barrier for social engagement for boys seems so much more casual and lower than for girls. "Hey, want to grab a beer after work?" is pretty easy to sell, you know? Your guy can totally do this with the guys in your mutual social group and start forming his own friendships. These people will also know people and do things you yourself don't so much do, like I dunno - play frisbee or bike or whatever.
I would also suggest Open Coffee, hacker meetups, MeFi meetups, open gaming, etc.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:41 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would also suggest Open Coffee, hacker meetups, MeFi meetups, open gaming, etc.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:41 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, why isn't he making friends at work?
posted by DarlingBri at 4:42 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by DarlingBri at 4:42 PM on February 21, 2012
Aww damn, I was hoping to be the first to mention NYC Resistor. It's an incredible place. I recently started going there in order to use their laser cutter to make acrylic jewelry, and man- ok, as an example, I recently went there and saw a gigantic machine with a movable arm, sitting awkwardly in the middle of the floor. It was surrounded by excited dudes, so I asked what was up. "It's a pipetting robot! We got it for free from a university lab!" Well, what are you going to do with something like that? "Once we figure out how to reverse-engineer the controls, we're thinking either 'massive 3D printer' or 'massive bartending robot'."
They have a laser cutter, metal machining tools, wood shop, sewing equipment, all the stuff to make circuit boards, and also people making crazy art pieces or even just sitting around cross-stitching. And if they like you, sometimes they'll give you beer.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:42 PM on February 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
They have a laser cutter, metal machining tools, wood shop, sewing equipment, all the stuff to make circuit boards, and also people making crazy art pieces or even just sitting around cross-stitching. And if they like you, sometimes they'll give you beer.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:42 PM on February 21, 2012 [2 favorites]
I know people who have met lots of cool people at Science Online NYC and Story Collider.
posted by grouse at 4:55 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by grouse at 4:55 PM on February 21, 2012
nthing Meetup there is pretty much everything you could want there for any outdoors activities or tech. especially in nyc which has one of the most vibrant and diverse meetup communities. i like it b/c activity takes place around shared interests rather than instant socializing.
posted by memi at 5:12 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by memi at 5:12 PM on February 21, 2012
I met some awesome friends in Seattle playing kickball and dodgeball. A team format where you see the same people every week for a month or two works much better for the Pacific Northwest friend-making style.
posted by grouse at 5:15 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by grouse at 5:15 PM on February 21, 2012 [1 favorite]
Also, why isn't he making friends at work?
posted by DarlingBri
I can think of plenty of good reasons to keep your social life and work life completely separate (I sure maintain a barrier between the two). But I guess if you're short on friends, work IS a good place to start looking...
posted by blaneyphoto at 5:34 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by DarlingBri
I can think of plenty of good reasons to keep your social life and work life completely separate (I sure maintain a barrier between the two). But I guess if you're short on friends, work IS a good place to start looking...
posted by blaneyphoto at 5:34 PM on February 21, 2012
Backpacking? He should consider joining the Appalacian Mountain Club.
posted by swngnmonk at 5:41 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by swngnmonk at 5:41 PM on February 21, 2012
Also, some workplaces are not exactly easy places to make friends.
posted by madcaptenor at 6:25 PM on February 21, 2012
posted by madcaptenor at 6:25 PM on February 21, 2012
He's having trouble finding new friends here, I think, in part due to cultural differences between the Northwest and NYC. For example, when strangers approach him and start talking, he thinks it's rude, so would never think of doing the same. When people ask him questions, he thinks they're being intrusive instead of social.
You know, with this attitude it's going to be really hard to make friends anywhere. He's going to have to accept that things here in NYC are different from where he used to live and adjust accordingly. If he does that, he can make friends almost anywhere. I've found that the difference between making friends and not is basically saying, "I want to make friends. I'm going to put myself out and and be, ya know, friendly." Sometimes it's hard to do that. It's still the only way, though.
posted by devymetal at 6:38 PM on February 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
You know, with this attitude it's going to be really hard to make friends anywhere. He's going to have to accept that things here in NYC are different from where he used to live and adjust accordingly. If he does that, he can make friends almost anywhere. I've found that the difference between making friends and not is basically saying, "I want to make friends. I'm going to put myself out and and be, ya know, friendly." Sometimes it's hard to do that. It's still the only way, though.
posted by devymetal at 6:38 PM on February 21, 2012 [3 favorites]
These are all great suggestions, but I think it is really important that he changes his mindset entirely. He can attend all these great events, but if he isn't willing to put himself out there then at the end of the evening he will still be friendless.
posted by Julnyes at 8:39 AM on February 22, 2012
posted by Julnyes at 8:39 AM on February 22, 2012
Is there anyone in your friend group that shares some of his interests? When one of our friends met and get serious with a boy from Italy, he moved to New York and was pretty lost for a while. We set up some "playdates" for him (let me tell you though- that name was NOT POPULAR with the gentlemen in our circle.) He ended up getting to be friends with the someone's boyfriend that liked D&D. He started going to D&D, met some other dudes not connected directly to his girlfriend and there you go.
Just adding one degree of separation might help his confidence in moving through the very different social code of our great city.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:43 PM on February 22, 2012
Just adding one degree of separation might help his confidence in moving through the very different social code of our great city.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:43 PM on February 22, 2012
For example, when strangers approach him and start talking, he thinks it's rude, so would never think of doing the same. When people ask him questions, he thinks they're being intrusive instead of social.
You are assuming this is a cultural difference, but I'm from the northwest and I've never, not once, come across this as a general cultural thing in that area. Viewing it as cultural rather than personal probably isn't going to help solve this.
posted by yohko at 8:55 PM on February 24, 2012
You are assuming this is a cultural difference, but I'm from the northwest and I've never, not once, come across this as a general cultural thing in that area. Viewing it as cultural rather than personal probably isn't going to help solve this.
posted by yohko at 8:55 PM on February 24, 2012
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It sounds like he would also enjoy Drinking Liberally. (There's a DL in Brooklyn tonight, actually, 7pm onward at the 4th Avenue Pub. And on Thursday there'll be DL in Manhattan at Rudy's in Hell's Kitchen.)
posted by ocherdraco at 3:48 PM on February 21, 2012 [4 favorites]