Warning: NSFW. Deepthroat issues (No, not the guy. The activity.)
February 14, 2012 8:17 PM   Subscribe

Fellatio filter. Interesting topic for my first post ever... My wonderful boyfriend and I have a great sex life but he can only come from intercourse (and usually only when he sees me getting off from it) or from rough, consistent, deepthroating, the latter of which I struggle with severely and just cant seem to pull off even though I love performing "normal" oral sex. How can I give him what he needs in this area (which would make me SO happy) without feeling like I'm going to suffocate and die (dramatic, I know, but seriously what I feel). Modest details inside...

He admittedly needs pretty rough and vigorous motion to get there, which is fine when it's intercourse, but pretty hard to handle when it's my face. I've put in a concerted effort here--lots of "almost there but not quite" experiences, and yes... I did even throw up a few times.

I just want to have that satisfaction of knowing I made him feel really really good, but I can't help but feel like I've failed. Gag reflex and feeling like I'm going to suffocate always make it impossible to continue for as long as he needs, and I get so frustrated by that. Fortunately, he's very understanding and sympathetic, and never pushes me to do this--I always initiate because I want to do it for him.

Any advice on technique, ways to overcome my fear of suffocation or to suppress gag reflex (which really isn't bad by most mortal standards) would be much appreciated. Also, if anyone has encountered a similar issue please do share experiences. Maybe there are other ways to simulate rough sex for him that we've not explored, but I'm at a loss. FWIW I'm a female, early thirties, monogamous long term relationship with a man mid-forties. This is a minor issue in the grand scheme of things--just that one nagging annoyance that this overachiever wants to overcome.
posted by bostontina to Human Relations (32 answers total) 24 users marked this as a favorite

 
The way I keep my gag reflex out of the way is by brushing my tongue every time I brush my teeth. I try to go back as far as possible and brush for as long as possible until I start gagging, and then holding it for just a little bit longer than that. The more I do it, the easier it gets -- consistency of practice is what counts.
posted by Pwoink at 8:29 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Does he masturbate, and if so what does it take for him for him to cum? Maybe you can mix that in or extrapolate on that.
posted by chana meira at 8:30 PM on February 14, 2012 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: @chana--he does, but it takes him a loooong time and I've never seen him go to completion...
posted by bostontina at 8:41 PM on February 14, 2012


So a million years ago, I interviewed some ladies from the Moonlite Bunny Ranch (a fairly upscale, by the standards of its peers, legal brothel in Nevada).

One of the ladies, whose nom du boudoir was Sheriden, described her technique for fake deep-throating, for which she was apparently famous. The basic principle is to get one hand really wet with spit or lube, put it up to your mouth, and use the hand and mouth as one unit.

This is the second most useful thing I have ever learned from an interview subject.
posted by Sidhedevil at 8:59 PM on February 14, 2012 [35 favorites]


Best answer: I'm male, and - in this respect - not too different from your boyfriend. And honestly... is this something that's upsetting you, or him? Because while I very rarely orgasm during fellatio, I still really enjoy it, and while I'm "limited" in this respect - well, so what? By way of analogy, think of the (many, many) women who can't orgasm from penetration alone. What we (collectively 'we,' that is) usually say to them and their male partners is "this isn't your fault; there's nothing wrong with either of you - it's just how she's wired. Looks like she'll need oral sex, or something else specific, to get off; that may not be the way you want it to be, but it doesn't represent failure on either of your parts."

This is no different - he needs a lot of rough motion to get off. And... that's just how it is. I know you're frustrated by this, and I sympathize, but if you were my girlfriend - and I have been in his position in past relationships - what I'd mostly be telling you is "Don't worry about it. No, really. It's not any kind of failure on your part, and the fact that you think it is is the 'problem' here, not your inability to perform the relatively rare feat of totally suppressing your gag reflex."
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:10 PM on February 14, 2012 [21 favorites]


Honestly, whether it be masturbatory death grip related or not, I think a lot of guys just don't cum from blowjobs (which doesn't mean they are not enjoyable or appreciated!) Out of hundreds of blowjobs I have received I've come exactly twice. My best friend says that makes me lucky, as he never has.
posted by yellowbinder at 9:11 PM on February 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


If it's important to you both that he orgasms in your mouth, old "fuck until he's close, then blow him" is a classic for a reason.
posted by milk white peacock at 9:16 PM on February 14, 2012 [8 favorites]


Yes, hands! I was surprised to learn this is revelatory to some women, since it's how I've always, uh, handled things. You can vary the rhythm of hand and mouth, too, to make it even more exciting.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:27 PM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Using your hand can also add some pressure at the base, which might help. If he needs "rough and vigorous motion" your hand might be the um, tool for the job.
posted by MadamM at 9:39 PM on February 14, 2012


Oh, and some other thoughts: position makes a major difference. The best is probably kneeling between a guy's legs while he stands, followed by kneeling on the edge of a bed while he sits. Generally, it's better if he sits or stands up.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 9:46 PM on February 14, 2012


For what it's worth, I'm another guy who very, very, very rarely comes from fellatio. Despite how it is portrayed in books and movies, I'd guess that there are more than just a few of us out there. I would never, ever, in a million years think that a woman who is doing nice things to me but isn't making me come is in some way failing or less than absolutely perfect. I'm not going to come from oral, but that's ok -- it can transition to intercourse, or I can finish things myself, or we can roll over into a different position and I can do nice things to her.

But having said that, based on my experience I'd say most women don't use rhythm strategically when giving oral sex, don't use their hands much, and don't really seem to distinguish much what parts of the penis they might happen to be interacting with. All of those things matter, and matter a lot more when one is getting close to coming. And as the ever-wise PhoBWK says, position is important, thought what is best will depend a lot on your respective anatomies and sizes.
posted by Forktine at 9:51 PM on February 14, 2012 [4 favorites]


Pure Romance makes a gel called "Great Head" that gets rid of your gag reflex for a while. I won some at a party and was surprised by how well it worked -- I don't have much of a gag reflex (or thought I didn't) and I was able to take my husband way further down my throat than I thought was anatomically possible without discomfort. He was... appreciative. The little tube lives on the bedside table now.

Having it on kind of feels like Chloraseptic, so maybe that would work too?
posted by Gianna at 9:56 PM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]


Sidhedevil makes a wise suggestion.
posted by ead at 10:05 PM on February 14, 2012


But having said that, based on my experience I'd say most women don't use rhythm strategically when giving oral sex, don't use their hands much, and don't really seem to distinguish much what parts of the penis they might happen to be interacting with.

Last comment, I promise. If you use your hands, one thing you can do is position your thumb right against the frenulum. Then, you can stimulate that area (which is sensitive) while also using the rest of your hand on the shaft and concentrating your mouth on the glans (takes some practice, but I'm sure your guy won't mind). The major benefit of using hands like this, though, is that it lets you control both pace and depth while also giving you significantly more manual dexterity. Of course, your penis may vary. But good luck! We're all counting on you.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 10:11 PM on February 14, 2012 [3 favorites]


Best answer: I'm a gay man. I'm here to help you - because face it ladies and gents, only a guy really knows what feels good to a guy. (Get over it... you know I'm right.)

That whole 'kneeling between a guys legs' thing mentioned above? LOLOLOL... that's porn industry visualization! Sure there's something to be said for the visual effect, but if you REALLY want to give a good blow job, listen up...

Position: how's he hung? Does he curve left, right, up or down? Is he long, or thick? Or both (you lucky woman...)? You need to position yourself to make your throat accomodate his natural shape. In most cases this means him on his back with you on your hands and knees over him - basically a 69 position. Yeah you in a 69! Everybody wins!

Spit: Spit is your friend. It's not only a lubricant, it's a turn-on. He's gonna get off on you slobbering over his cock. Fellatio is ALLLLLL about worshiping a man's cock. Go for it. Don't worry or care about dribbles out of your mouth, or about being neat and dainty. You've already experienced that since you mentioned him making you puke.

Position again: Throat fucking. Seriously. Lay back on the edge of the bed... lay your head over the side. Let him saddle up and use your throat. Yes, you'll gag. Yes, you'll suffocate. And YES, he'll use you. That's part of the fun. Whether that fun is yours or his or both is up to you. What you can do to mitigate said throat-fucking is to learn how to breathe through you nose, regulate his thrusts with your hands (and using that spit to your advantage by stroking the length of his cock that's NOT in your mouth in the interim), and downright acting like you love it - which your might actually do. Another thing you can do is moan, groan, and cry. You probably will anyway. Hey, this post aint about how to be a sensitive lover - it's about how to give a damn good blow job.

Put yourself in control: You don't have to be submissive to give great head. You can lay him on his back. Let's assume you're right handed. You're on the left. Sit up. Lean over him. Start sucking. Put your left hand under his balls. Let it play down to his taint. If he's into it, let your left hand play with his asshole. Lube is crucial here! Put your right hand on the base of his cock. Suck on his head - HARD. Talk to him... talk to him A LOT - ASK him to run the show and say what feels good and what's just maintenance. Seriously... most guys will just let you suck on them and think that they've got it good, when what they REALLY want is to call the shots and SAY to you what they want you to do. By letting them direct the show YOU are actually in control - after all it's YOUR mouth on his cock. You run the show.

That's enough for now. MeMail if you need more to get your blowjob on.
posted by matty at 10:37 PM on February 14, 2012 [41 favorites]


I would advise against tying any idea of "failure" to a guy coming in any particular way. That's mot to say you can't try and get better at blowjobs, but sex hates anxiety and pressure.
posted by Ironmouth at 5:25 AM on February 15, 2012 [3 favorites]


Another user would like to add this comment anonymously:
The other day my very experienced and naughty fiancé told me I gave him the best blow job he's had in his life. What I did was this: He lay on the bed while I leaned over him. I took him deep in my throat till the gag reflex kicked in. This caused a river of saliva to be produced. I let it ooze over the penis, and repeated the process till he was positively soaked (I made sure my hair was well out of the way). I held his penis firmly in my right hand and stroked up and over his head and back down, with my mouth following. I played with his balls with my left hand. Then using all that excess saliva I easily slid my left pointer finger into his anus and massaged the inside towards me. When he was thoroughly aroused I handed him a silicone dildo to suck on and continued blowing him. He came within minutes.
posted by taz at 6:13 AM on February 15, 2012 [3 favorites]


It's not a failure on your part if you do not want to participate in a sex act that makes you gag, choke, vomit and cry.
posted by crankylex at 7:40 AM on February 15, 2012 [4 favorites]


Response by poster: @crankylex: The irony is that I DO want to participate in this act, mostly because I love him and I want to make him feel good, but also because I really do enjoy it for short periods of time. I just want to do it in a way that is effective, because that's what will make me satisfied and turned on even more by all of it.

@everyone else--thank you so much for your input on this. I have a lot to work with and a lot of fun ahead :)
posted by bostontina at 8:02 AM on February 15, 2012


Ugh, sorry, matty, maybe all of those things are great for you as the recipient of blowjobs, but as a giver with an active gag reflex, positions where you're approximately at eye level with the cock are actually better to keep from kicking it off.

Throat fucking. Seriously. Lay back on the edge of the bed... lay your head over the side. Let him saddle up and use your throat. Yes, you'll gag. Yes, you'll suffocate. And YES, he'll use you

This is a bad, bad idea for someone who has actually vomited from giving blowjobs. I feel uncomfortable just thinking about it.

OP, I know you've already picked your best answer, but really try positions and situations which put you more in control of depth and pace.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:04 AM on February 15, 2012 [4 favorites]


Also, one last thing: he gets off on seeing you excited. If you're uncomfortable, even puking, you will not be happy and excited. Just saying.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 8:05 AM on February 15, 2012 [4 favorites]


I cannot speak from experience, but there's this theory on suppressing the gag reflex by squeezing your left thumb.
posted by JJtheJetPlane at 8:14 AM on February 15, 2012


My SO has difficulty cumming from straight head. If the end goal is him cumming IN my mouth we a) start with sex and have him finish in my mouth or b) he uses his hands on his shaft and I use my mouth to concentrate on the tip. If I'm just in the mood to have his cock in my mouth I blow him for a bit then get on top and ride him until he finishes.
posted by OsoMeaty at 8:22 AM on February 15, 2012


Regarding the suffocation issue, it's important to make sure he's pulling out far enough between thrusts that you can breathe. If he's really deep in there, he can physically block your airway, so even breathing through your nose won't work. You can time your breaths opposite his thrusts to get air in and out when he's not as deep, but if he's moving around back there without ever really pulling out, you'll never get the opportunity. And the panic that comes with not being able to breathe can definitely make you lose any tenuous control you were maintaining over your gag reflex.

Those numbing creams might be worth a try, but be aware that they will also likely numb his penis. It sounds like other people in this thread have enjoyed such products, but be aware that it might be a wash in terms of getting him to orgasm without you gagging.
posted by Inconceivable! at 9:31 AM on February 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


Can you get him to masturbate himself while you just work on the tip? I'd nth using your hands as well as your mouth to give him the feeling of deepthroating you without you having to gag so much.

Of course gagging and such can be part of the fun too in which case there are sprays that can numb your throat, I actually find the sprays make me want to gag and feel like I can't breath but I have a super sensitive gag reflex. Angle can play a part too, try shifting around positions, hand holds, getting him super horny with teasing all day and then try blowing him.

Also practice, practice, practice just make sure you are both having fun and hey even if it ends up you can't do it, the practicing is fun too.
posted by wwax at 9:37 AM on February 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


Ugh, sorry, matty, maybe all of those things are great for you as the recipient of blowjobs

PhoBWanKenobi, matty made it pretty clear he was a giver of blowjobs.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:55 AM on February 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


To matty's wonderful advice, I would add one tidbit:

Professional ladies have been known to speed things up and keep them "on schedule" by holding the balls and applying a gentle pulling pressure. Nothing painful; just a little stimulation, but most importantly a pull/weight feeling on the "boys".

After I, um, heard about this technique from a friend, I noticed that I sometimes do this unconsciously to myself when masturbating.
posted by IAmBroom at 11:58 AM on February 15, 2012


PhoBWanKenobi, matty made it pretty clear he was a giver of blowjobs.

Yes, but he dismissed sitting between the partner's legs as a porn position done for the visual benefit of the recipient. As someone who has never gotten a blowjob, I was giving that advice from the "I could care less about how it looks" perspective. With the curve of most penises, that sort of position helps to ensure that it's not going to hit the back of your tongue first, which is what triggers the gag reflex.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:24 PM on February 15, 2012


When it comes down to it, I suspect that there are two differences with the approach of advice here: some are coming from the attitude of "gagging or feeling like you're suffocating are normal and should even be encouraged during oral, because it shows enthusiasm in which case, let him go to town in facefucking you" and the other set of advice comes from the perspective of, "this isn't something that really needs to happen. You can maximize your own comfort, thus ensuring that this is something you can do for longer so that he'll get off." I suspect the difference depends on your tolerance and your relationship (my partner would not be into my crying or puking--again, yours might feel differently).
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 12:45 PM on February 15, 2012 [3 favorites]


What IAmBroom said.

It's not the pulling on the balls themselves that helps, it's that pulling on the balls pulls the skin around the penis down as well, making the whole thing more taut. It really helps a lot.

Try that. I bet that'll help!
posted by MonsieurBon at 2:06 PM on February 15, 2012 [1 favorite]


PhoBWanKenobi - I certainly didn't intend to throw your suggestion about kneeling in front of a standing or sitting guy out the window with my LOLOLOL, so my apologies if it came across that way. As I said, there's certainly something to be said for the visual turn-on of a first-rate blow job... it's just that what you see in porn is rarely effective.

And yes, I am a giver of blowjobs.... enthusiastically! (and oh yeah, I love receiving them too...)

Just thought I'd clarify on the 'crying' thing. It's not 'crying' in an emotional sense, but your eyes are gonna tear up if the throat-fucking is going on. It's a normal reaction. Part of the success that the OP is looking for is in recognizing/knowing what's happening and why - in this case how to not be afraid of and get beyond that gag reflex. By utilizing the position I mentioned that best lets you accomodate the curve of your man's junk, you can actually get that puppy DOWN your throat without hitting those spots that are gonna cause you a gag reflex.

It takes practice, it takes patience... but in a weird way there's a sense of accomplishment (for me, at least), and for the receiver there's a whole hella lot of HOLY JESUS IN A HANDCART good 'feelin going on.

I'll add in some more advice. Work on the frenulum and head, sucking on it hard (and soft!) - then use that spit you've worked up to slick up and down his shaft with your hand in a spiraling or twisting motion, timed so that your mouth on the downstroke meets your hand on it's upstroke.

Keep in mind you can involve more of your body than just your hands and mouth in a blowjob. Other than the aforementioned taint and anus play, use you body! Brush up against his body with your legs or other 'available body parts'. If you have longer hair let it play across his skin. Use your breath to blow cool air across his balls. It's a process of building up stimulation, not just a repetitive action. That's why it's called a 'climax', right?

Probably the best advice I can give about a blowjob is to utilize communication. Plain and simple. Be verbal, take direction, GIVE direction, ask questions during the act, provide feedback, etc etc. Afte all, the mind is still the biggest sex organ of all.
posted by matty at 2:14 PM on February 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


Your boyfriend doesn't want fellatio.

He wants irrumatio.

From wikipedia:
"Latin erotic terminology actually distinguishes two acts ... First, fellation, in which the man’s penis is ... orally excited by ... the ... [fellator ..., and] Second, irrumation ... in which the man (the irrumator) ... engages in ... motions by moving his hips and body in a rhythm of his own choice."

It's a useful word that seems to have been lost, leading to lack of clarity about what the technique should be as PhoBWanKenobi pointed out above.

Also, some men manage to be unaware that a person with a penis in their throat cannot actually breathe. Looking at your question again, I'm not sure if you know that's normal to not be able to breathe in that circumstance. Yes, if you or he does not remove the penis from your throat long enough for you to breathe it is PERFECTLY NORMAL to feel like you are going to suffocate and die, your body does this in an attempt to prevent you from actually suffocating and dying. If this is what your boyfriend wants (not you dying, but that you will struggle to breathe and be unable to do so) that is called "breath play" and you should research it and think really hard about if you want to do it (some people have screwed up on the 'not dying' part without meaning to).
posted by yohko at 4:48 PM on February 16, 2012 [3 favorites]


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