Put a sock in it?
February 13, 2012 11:56 AM Subscribe
As a follow up on this post I have come to the hivemind for assistance b/c I talk too much and too loudly and want to change.
I have been a lifelong excessive talker. Seriously I was getting the 'needs to talk less and listen more' since kindergarden. :/ I *know* it's rude and I know it can and likely does drive people away at times. It's selfish and can also make me come off as a know-it-all. I have studied active listening and do very well at it when i'm focused on that role. I am highly successful at work despite this talking madness, but even within that setting I am sure I annoy others at times.
The problem I bring to you today is twofold:
1. The minute it's my turn to talk in a conversation ping-pong I get into what we are discussing and become animated and loud (I'm quite the storyteller I'm told) and the monlogue begins. It's as if in the moment I completely forget about how much I want to be a quieter and more polite conversationalist and a better person. At some point (to my horror it is typically hours AFTER the conversation has ended entirely) I realize that I just went on forever and the other person never got to talk or that I never stopped to ask them how they were, etc. Like I was lost in a time loop! Sort of like when you're thinking about something deeply while driving and look up and realize you just completed your entire drive but you don't really remember paying attention while doing so. So yay that I've accepted this is a problem behavior, and yay that I am seeking to actively change it, but HOW in the moment do I catch myself mid conversation and reign it it when I'm not even aware at the time it's happening? Some friends will sometimes let me go on forever and actually enjoy the monologue, others get their words in by interrupting or talking over me, but i know many probably just sit there silently fuming and wishing I would shut up. I need some sort of immediate feedback loop to help curb this behavior in the moment.
2. One strategy I've tried is to just be very quiet and only ask questions, so that I don't have the chance to start into an unstoppable monologue. This does not work. In the first place my friends see it as creepy 20 questions/spanish inquisition type behavior. In the second place whenever I scale back my animated talking my friends and loved ones barrage me with "OMG What's wrong? Are you ok? Bad day? What's got you down? etc etc. They're so used to me being the nonstop extrovert blabbermouth that as soon as I show a dramatic change in behavior they think something is wrong, even if I assure them I am ok. I get comments like "It's creepy when you try to act like someone else. Being quiet and shy ISN'T YOU." How do I change my behavior for the better when friends/loved ones don't (at least so far) react well to personality change?
I read this post btw and the answers given didn't really address my two questions. Thanks!
I have been a lifelong excessive talker. Seriously I was getting the 'needs to talk less and listen more' since kindergarden. :/ I *know* it's rude and I know it can and likely does drive people away at times. It's selfish and can also make me come off as a know-it-all. I have studied active listening and do very well at it when i'm focused on that role. I am highly successful at work despite this talking madness, but even within that setting I am sure I annoy others at times.
The problem I bring to you today is twofold:
1. The minute it's my turn to talk in a conversation ping-pong I get into what we are discussing and become animated and loud (I'm quite the storyteller I'm told) and the monlogue begins. It's as if in the moment I completely forget about how much I want to be a quieter and more polite conversationalist and a better person. At some point (to my horror it is typically hours AFTER the conversation has ended entirely) I realize that I just went on forever and the other person never got to talk or that I never stopped to ask them how they were, etc. Like I was lost in a time loop! Sort of like when you're thinking about something deeply while driving and look up and realize you just completed your entire drive but you don't really remember paying attention while doing so. So yay that I've accepted this is a problem behavior, and yay that I am seeking to actively change it, but HOW in the moment do I catch myself mid conversation and reign it it when I'm not even aware at the time it's happening? Some friends will sometimes let me go on forever and actually enjoy the monologue, others get their words in by interrupting or talking over me, but i know many probably just sit there silently fuming and wishing I would shut up. I need some sort of immediate feedback loop to help curb this behavior in the moment.
2. One strategy I've tried is to just be very quiet and only ask questions, so that I don't have the chance to start into an unstoppable monologue. This does not work. In the first place my friends see it as creepy 20 questions/spanish inquisition type behavior. In the second place whenever I scale back my animated talking my friends and loved ones barrage me with "OMG What's wrong? Are you ok? Bad day? What's got you down? etc etc. They're so used to me being the nonstop extrovert blabbermouth that as soon as I show a dramatic change in behavior they think something is wrong, even if I assure them I am ok. I get comments like "It's creepy when you try to act like someone else. Being quiet and shy ISN'T YOU." How do I change my behavior for the better when friends/loved ones don't (at least so far) react well to personality change?
I read this post btw and the answers given didn't really address my two questions. Thanks!
Watch the faces of your audience as you talk. Very carefully. If you start to see their eyes glaze over, roll in annoyance, shut close due to boredom, etc., you will know that you need to start planning your vocal exit strategy.
posted by HeyAllie at 12:49 PM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by HeyAllie at 12:49 PM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
For #2 I'd tell your friends "I'm trying to be a better me. I appreciate that you love me how I am, but I feel like I'm missing out on hearing stuff from other people because of this habit." You need them to sign on here because you need their assistance in #1 as well.
As far as ways to keep yourself on target, how about a little pain? If I'm feeling drowsy or need to give myself a "hey, snap out of it" signal I will drive my index fingernail into the ball of my thumb. It's just a little sting, but maybe if you try to build the habit of doing that when you start talking it'll keep you mindful of keeping it short.
Some sort of timer or other mechanism would work well too, of course, but you'd prefer this to be as unnoticeable to others as possible, right? Just don't dig in to the point where you draw blood.
posted by phearlez at 12:51 PM on February 13, 2012
As far as ways to keep yourself on target, how about a little pain? If I'm feeling drowsy or need to give myself a "hey, snap out of it" signal I will drive my index fingernail into the ball of my thumb. It's just a little sting, but maybe if you try to build the habit of doing that when you start talking it'll keep you mindful of keeping it short.
Some sort of timer or other mechanism would work well too, of course, but you'd prefer this to be as unnoticeable to others as possible, right? Just don't dig in to the point where you draw blood.
posted by phearlez at 12:51 PM on February 13, 2012
Best answer: Do you have a friend or loved one you can assign to gently step on your toe or put a hand on your knee under the table? You will probably need a physical reminder to snap you out of your monologue, and I think you'll probably need an external person to do it for a while.
Or set your phone to vibrate every 5 minutes and check yourself when it does.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:03 PM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
Or set your phone to vibrate every 5 minutes and check yourself when it does.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 1:03 PM on February 13, 2012 [1 favorite]
I am seconding the negative reinforcement idea, but I think wearing a rubber band around your wrist and giving it a snap when you want to chastise yourself is probably the simplest answer for that.
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:04 PM on February 13, 2012
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:04 PM on February 13, 2012
With regards to your active listening, are you actually listening or are you just going through all the good motions of "active listening" and thinking what a good active listener you are seeming to be? This is an occasional pitfall of "active listening." Let your natural interest in what the other person has to say further the conversation. Add your bits to further the general point of the interaction instead of monopolizing.
You're going to have to program a "stop" for yourself. In a lucid dream you get some cue, like looking at your watch and know you're dreaming thus enabling you to "control" what you do. You need a cue. This could be enlisting the help of friends, as insectosaurus said, to say "shut it" or tap you on the shoulder when you're getting carried away. Or come up with something yourself. Focus on something that you might do regularly, (checking your watch, fiddling with a ring, etc) and make that your cue. When you notice you are doing that thing, it'll remind you "I made this regular behavior my cue in order to check myself."
Finally, I love talking. I talk A LOT. I saw a video of myself talking once and it looked like my hands were two crazed birds trying to break away. So animated, so embarrassing. BUT, I'm the only person who thinks I have this problem. I usually get in trouble MORE for apologizing for talking too much. Do you REALLY have a problem? Are you legitimately a steam-roller? Enlist your friends for objective opinions. Don't quell your natural excitability if that's all it is.
posted by Katine at 1:13 PM on February 13, 2012
You're going to have to program a "stop" for yourself. In a lucid dream you get some cue, like looking at your watch and know you're dreaming thus enabling you to "control" what you do. You need a cue. This could be enlisting the help of friends, as insectosaurus said, to say "shut it" or tap you on the shoulder when you're getting carried away. Or come up with something yourself. Focus on something that you might do regularly, (checking your watch, fiddling with a ring, etc) and make that your cue. When you notice you are doing that thing, it'll remind you "I made this regular behavior my cue in order to check myself."
Finally, I love talking. I talk A LOT. I saw a video of myself talking once and it looked like my hands were two crazed birds trying to break away. So animated, so embarrassing. BUT, I'm the only person who thinks I have this problem. I usually get in trouble MORE for apologizing for talking too much. Do you REALLY have a problem? Are you legitimately a steam-roller? Enlist your friends for objective opinions. Don't quell your natural excitability if that's all it is.
posted by Katine at 1:13 PM on February 13, 2012
Wow, it's so funny that you have the complete opposite problem that I have. I am the quietest, shyest and most reserved person on the face of the earth. Here are some suggestions that I have, based on the opposite things that I have done to talk MORE:
1. I force myself to speak at least once every 15 minutes in a free-form conversation. Maybe you can do the opposite? Carry a watch, and tell yourself you're only going to talk for "X" amount of time each time you have the floor. While you're talking, make a conscious effort to glance at the watch and be mindful of how much time is passing.
2. Maybe try to let at least 2 or 3 other people have a turn to speak BEFORE you start talking. For example, you talk, your time is up. Now don't speak again until at least 2 or 3 other people have spoken.
3. When listening to other people, you don't need to interrogate them. You can ask questions based on what they have said, or just paraphrase. For example, if they say, "I went fishing last weekend", you can say something like, "You did?" And they'll go, "Yup". And you can say, "how was it?" and they'll reply, "It was great." And you say, "It was great?" And they'll say, "Yes" (and hopefully elaborate). If they don't elaborate, then you can try to get more of a response from them by saying something like, "What was great about it?" Anything you can do to get them talking at length.
4. Definitely watch body language. If people are looking down, crossing their legs, fidgeting anxiously, it's a sign that you've gone on too long. Also, if people look ready to say something, or if they start talking, be mindful of those things. As a quiet and shy person, I'm often cut off before I can even finish the first word of what I want to say by people who are more talkative than me. My tiny little voice doesn't even register to them. :)
I hope this helps!
posted by starpoint at 1:16 PM on February 13, 2012
1. I force myself to speak at least once every 15 minutes in a free-form conversation. Maybe you can do the opposite? Carry a watch, and tell yourself you're only going to talk for "X" amount of time each time you have the floor. While you're talking, make a conscious effort to glance at the watch and be mindful of how much time is passing.
2. Maybe try to let at least 2 or 3 other people have a turn to speak BEFORE you start talking. For example, you talk, your time is up. Now don't speak again until at least 2 or 3 other people have spoken.
3. When listening to other people, you don't need to interrogate them. You can ask questions based on what they have said, or just paraphrase. For example, if they say, "I went fishing last weekend", you can say something like, "You did?" And they'll go, "Yup". And you can say, "how was it?" and they'll reply, "It was great." And you say, "It was great?" And they'll say, "Yes" (and hopefully elaborate). If they don't elaborate, then you can try to get more of a response from them by saying something like, "What was great about it?" Anything you can do to get them talking at length.
4. Definitely watch body language. If people are looking down, crossing their legs, fidgeting anxiously, it's a sign that you've gone on too long. Also, if people look ready to say something, or if they start talking, be mindful of those things. As a quiet and shy person, I'm often cut off before I can even finish the first word of what I want to say by people who are more talkative than me. My tiny little voice doesn't even register to them. :)
I hope this helps!
posted by starpoint at 1:16 PM on February 13, 2012
Best answer: I understand, that point when you sense the conversation turning to a topic you think is cool, and you have all these things you want to say, and awesome stuff is popping into your head, and these people would love to hear about this and the story about this and the article you read about this... my tactic is to pick the one (1) coolest thing, and challenge myself to describe it as succinctly as possible. Then THEY get to tell me what they think of my coolest thing, and tell me THEIR coolest thing. It's entirely possible that the conversation will veer off and we'll never get to my second- or third-coolest thing. It takes practice to be okay with that, but I'm getting there. The goal is to say something exactly once, then see what the response is, before I go over-informing the conversation. If item #3 is really that important I can bring it up again later (note, it never is).
posted by aimedwander at 1:31 PM on February 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by aimedwander at 1:31 PM on February 13, 2012 [6 favorites]
Next time it hits you that you err... overtalked, call or email the other person, especially if they're a close friend. "Hey, I just realized I got so excited about brazil nuts that I sort of took over the conversation. Next time please feel free to give me a poke or tell me to shut it - I won't be offended.* I actually really want to hear *your* thoughts on brazil nuts too, if you feel like sharing them now."
I'm usually the quiet one who gets talked over. If any of my over-talking friends said that to me I'd understand and be happy to help them out.
You can only change so much, though, and in the end a little self-awareness goes a long way. I sometimes hate being the quiet one and really wish it were easier for me to share my thoughts and ideas. And sometimes I'm glad to be the one who sits there quietly synthesizing.
*Or whatever word choice seriously won't offend you
posted by bunderful at 1:45 PM on February 13, 2012
I'm usually the quiet one who gets talked over. If any of my over-talking friends said that to me I'd understand and be happy to help them out.
You can only change so much, though, and in the end a little self-awareness goes a long way. I sometimes hate being the quiet one and really wish it were easier for me to share my thoughts and ideas. And sometimes I'm glad to be the one who sits there quietly synthesizing.
*Or whatever word choice seriously won't offend you
posted by bunderful at 1:45 PM on February 13, 2012
Best answer: I have a policy that if I realize I'm only "listening" to the other person's story or point of discussion so that I can build my next comment, then I don't get to tell that story. For example if a friend is telling a funny story about her dog, and the whole time I'm thinking of an equally funny story about my dog...I don't get to tell that story. All I get to say is, "That's awesome. Dogs are so funny. I love that story."
It takes a lot of thinking and being aware of your internal monologe, but it is worth it.
posted by teleri025 at 2:01 PM on February 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
It takes a lot of thinking and being aware of your internal monologe, but it is worth it.
posted by teleri025 at 2:01 PM on February 13, 2012 [7 favorites]
I'd like to second that this might all be in your head. I know plenty of groups where talking over each other is perfectly fine, and extended and entertaining monologues are expected. It's important to watch body language. If you're a good story teller, you probably already do it to some extent. You just need to exchange your response to some of the stimuli. For instance, you're probably REALLY good at telling when your audience is really into the story. When they are, great keep going. If they're not, stop. Don't change the delivery, don't throw in some more dramatic elements, or do any of the things you've taught yourself get people involved. Just wind up the story.
Another great cue to take would be to mimic the pauses people take. Not only does it get you paying attention to what they're saying, but it helps you meet them where they are in terms of over\under talking.
I've been on the receiving end of "active listening," more times than I can count and honestly, it almost always reads like "I'm just asking because I need to vocalize, and have trained myself to do this" not "I'm asking because I'm interested." Not everything needs a follow up question.
posted by Gygesringtone at 4:38 PM on February 13, 2012
Another great cue to take would be to mimic the pauses people take. Not only does it get you paying attention to what they're saying, but it helps you meet them where they are in terms of over\under talking.
I've been on the receiving end of "active listening," more times than I can count and honestly, it almost always reads like "I'm just asking because I need to vocalize, and have trained myself to do this" not "I'm asking because I'm interested." Not everything needs a follow up question.
posted by Gygesringtone at 4:38 PM on February 13, 2012
Best answer: You could have been describing me in your initial question. I'm guessing that you, like me, are a very fast processor, so you have an instant answer to any question you're asked and every new subject reminds you of another related thing and you could just keep going forever because everything is interconnected like in that movie I Heart Huckabees did you see that movie and oh my gosh wasn't it great? Mark Wahlberg's crazy character, amirite? And then later you realize you talked for six minutes about Mark Wahlberg.
For me, a large part of trying to reign it in has been remembering that I'm genuinely interested in what other people have to say. So, for example, if I'm asking a question, I need to ask, "What are you planning to do this weekend?" and then STOP TALKING AND WAIT while I count to ten. I ask a question, then pause and count until I get an answer, and then to pause again to think of a reasonable answer (and not, "Oh hey your answer reminds me of this time...") or a follow-up question. I have to remind myself that many people need time to think about their answer, and that it's not fair for me to steal their processing time by continuing to talk.
Are you a fast talker? I am, and another thing that helps is to really try to pay attention to how fast I'm talking. If I pay attention to the speed, I'm more likely to notice that I've been going on for a while and excluding other people. If you're naturally a fast talker, it will feel like you're talking absurdly slow, like slow-motion even, when recordings show you're really finally talking at the same speed as other people.
posted by SeedStitch at 6:48 AM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
For me, a large part of trying to reign it in has been remembering that I'm genuinely interested in what other people have to say. So, for example, if I'm asking a question, I need to ask, "What are you planning to do this weekend?" and then STOP TALKING AND WAIT while I count to ten. I ask a question, then pause and count until I get an answer, and then to pause again to think of a reasonable answer (and not, "Oh hey your answer reminds me of this time...") or a follow-up question. I have to remind myself that many people need time to think about their answer, and that it's not fair for me to steal their processing time by continuing to talk.
Are you a fast talker? I am, and another thing that helps is to really try to pay attention to how fast I'm talking. If I pay attention to the speed, I'm more likely to notice that I've been going on for a while and excluding other people. If you're naturally a fast talker, it will feel like you're talking absurdly slow, like slow-motion even, when recordings show you're really finally talking at the same speed as other people.
posted by SeedStitch at 6:48 AM on February 14, 2012 [2 favorites]
Wear a rubber band on your wrist. When you see it, check your talking. When you become aware of talking too much, snap the rubber band just hard enough to hurt a little. This is aversive conditioning, and it helps.
Remind yourself that Listeners don't really need to know the details. In many cases, Listeners don't *want* to know the details. Or even the story.
My friends are very good to me. They listen when I am riled, which isn't exactly uncommon. I frequently say to them. You are such good friends. Thank you for listening.
posted by theora55 at 9:50 AM on February 14, 2012
Remind yourself that Listeners don't really need to know the details. In many cases, Listeners don't *want* to know the details. Or even the story.
My friends are very good to me. They listen when I am riled, which isn't exactly uncommon. I frequently say to them. You are such good friends. Thank you for listening.
posted by theora55 at 9:50 AM on February 14, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
I think you should talk to your friends/significant other and ask if it's something that bothers them. If it is, give them a green light to interrupt you anytime you are going on too long, interrupting them, or not really listening. I know that I have a problem with interrupting people sometimes, and the only thing that's helped me change it is telling my friends that I want to change it, and having them help me - "hey insectosaurus, you're interrupting me again" - "sorry dude! go ahead."
posted by insectosaurus at 12:08 PM on February 13, 2012