Is it creepy to Google people? [non-dating-filter]
February 8, 2012 7:25 AM   Subscribe

Do you think it's creepy when you find out someone has Googled you? Semi-related to previous questions about Googling dates, but my date isn't the Googler.

I'm not naive; I know people Google their dates, acquaintences, friends, and etc. My new boyfriend told me last night that his uncle (who is like a father to him) Googled me. He then asked my boyfriend to ask me a question based on something he found (about my undergrad college). I didn't know the answer, but my discomfort level was raised. After a few moments of thought, I told my boyfriend I found it a little creepy that his uncle, who has not met me, does not know my last name, and (from various accounts) is a kind of... bombastic but interesting character, was searching me out on the internets.

My boyfriend's response is that he has talked about me to his uncle, but not in super-detail, and that his uncle was mostly just a combination of nosiness and protectiveness - he wasn't really looking for dirt, just intel - and that while he understood and didn't want to minimise my discomfort, he wanted me to understand that his uncle is harmless and didn't have mean intentions. My boyfriend also said that his uncle liked what he found, which made my boyfriend feel good about our relationship.

There isn't much about me on the internet. I don't use social networks, although I do have a LinkedIn, but there's certainly nothing I'm worried about anyone knowing. I guess that even though I know people do this, knowing about it made me feel somehow uncomfortable - in part because I'm a very private person, in part because I don't know this person and was unsure of their motives, in part because normally I probably wouldn't know about it. (It's also possible that because the way my boyfriend initially phrased it was more "digging into your background on the interwebz" than "conclusion: we like her!" and that caused the Googling to ping with me more than it might have.)

But... is my discomfort a weird reaction to have in an age where people are constantly seeking out information about each other and I have my information out in the public arena?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (44 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
It's *so* pervasive in my personal and professional life that I now have a "Google keywords" section on my CV. I don't think it's a weird reaction, I think it's a case of accepting that people *will* do it.
posted by gadha at 7:27 AM on February 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


It's standard procedure. I'm actually more suspicious of people that don't have paper trails on Google these days.
posted by Hollywood Upstairs Medical College at 7:36 AM on February 8, 2012 [17 favorites]


Best answer: It's the modern panopticon. It's not "weird" to want to be the mediator of what information is shared; that's what we're all used to from the pre-Google days. But the genie is out of the bottle. Unless you want your "hobby" to be removing personal information from the internet, it's a bit of a lost cause (unless you have a common name!).
posted by Admiral Haddock at 7:39 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


I think it's normal to google new acquaintances, and even new acquaintances of loved ones. I think it's very weird that your new date mentioned that his uncle googled you, just like I think it's slightly weird to bring up that you google people you meet. I am not sure why I think it's weird to mention it and not weird to do it, but I do.
posted by jeather at 7:41 AM on February 8, 2012 [5 favorites]


I googled my husband 12 (!) years ago before our first date.

Reader, he married me anyway.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:43 AM on February 8, 2012 [11 favorites]


It isn't remotely weird to do. Every single guy my friend dates, I throw into Google as soon as she knows both his first and last name. And that is not out of concern for her safety; it's out of nosiness.
posted by DarlingBri at 7:44 AM on February 8, 2012 [19 favorites]


Best answer: I will validate your feeling of being creeped out by a relatively unrelated person Googling you - or really, that he shared his behavior with your boyfriend and asked him to relay a question to you. Being curious is natural, but IMO it's impolite to broadcast that curiosity to the target - perhaps Uncle is the kind of person to peek in someone's medicine cabinet and then come out and ask questions based on what he finds there?

That being said, there's nothing you can really do about it, besides keeping this behavior in mind and drawing boundaries if you do ever meet him in person.
posted by muddgirl at 7:45 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Best answer: You've asked two questions:

Is it creepy to Google people?

No. It's more akin to the old-school "asking around" about someone, and not at all equivalent to stalking or private investigations or anything invasive.

Do you think it's creepy when you find out someone has Googled you?

Yes, because like you I feel like I am a private person. But like you I also have information out there about me, so it is what it is.

If your information is available via a lazy google search and that's as far as the inquiry goes, then it's not creepy. So for example if a google search says where you live, the uncle might say to your bf "hey, I see she lives in Xtown, ask her if she's been to that new dog park." Not creepy. But if the uncle says "hey, I see she lives in Xtown, you know, her yard is kind of a mess and she needs to replace those gutters, are you sure you want to date her?" That's creepy.

The fact is that everyone does it. You've been googled a lot more often than you know, by people you'd never imagine had any interest in you. And they really don't, for the most part. It's an easy, idle thing to do. People talking about what they find is still socially unacceptable, and that may be what's set off your creep-radar, but that's changing too.
posted by headnsouth at 7:45 AM on February 8, 2012 [6 favorites]


No it is not weird at all to feel that way. Getting Googled, while over a decade old, still has a twinge of personal invasion but with the added twist that anyone can do it at any time, from just about anywhere and for pretty much free. We all do it. What should be at question is how we deal with what we find.

Uncle Harmless Bombasto needs to learn a bit of etiquette about invading people's comfort zone before actually getting to know them. He can search all he wants, but maybe leave the questions until such time that he actually meets you and even then, he could play a little dumb about the whole thing. He can let you tell him what you feel comfortable telling him.

But, if he just wanted to catch you flat footed, he seems to have done a good job in that area.
posted by lampshade at 7:46 AM on February 8, 2012


Best answer: Yeah, I have to say that I think it's quite normal. That doesn't mean that your reaction is wrong, just that eventually I think you're going to have to get used to it, if you are going to have your name on the internet in any capacity. I was on a train about a year ago and I guy came on and sat next to me. I could see that he was playing around with his smartphone throughout the journey and just as he got off, he said "I see you have a show tonight" and pointed to the screen of his phone with an announcement of the show I was indeed involved in that night. I was kind of taken aback but said "Yeah" and he got off the train. I couldn't figure out how this had happened and then realised that I had attached a "frequent traveller" tag on my bag months before and it had my name on it. So, whilst that was strange, it was my fault. I think the lesson is, if you want anonymity these days, don't put your name on your bags and don't put your name on the internet.
posted by ob at 7:46 AM on February 8, 2012


Best answer: It's not a weird reaction at all. For one thing, if it bothers you, it bothers you -- nobody else's opinion needs to matter. But if you're looking for confirmation that others might find it creepy as well, I agree.

But it sounds like you're already aware of what's out there based on self-searching, so you also know that this is something that happens. I accept that people will and can do a deep search on me if they want -- and find some things that they might find questionable. But I've also learned to accept that if somebody (an employer, a new friend, or back in the day, a date) isn't interested me based on what they find, it's their loss and probably better to know that sooner rather than later anyway.

Still, though, I think it's creepy, but I also know that it's the world we live in (and not going to say I haven't done it.) And though my initial reaction was that it was weird that the uncle brought it up, I realize the opposite (doing the info search, knowing the info, and pretending not to do so if it comes up) is actually worse if you think about it. To do it and say something makes it seem like he doesn't think it's that big of a deal. To do it and keep it a secret seems like the creepster move.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 7:47 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Prospective boyfriend googling you = normal in this day and age

Prospective boyfriend's uncle googling you and ensuring that prospective boyfriend asks you a question about your schooling =/= normal in this day and age
posted by kuanes at 7:48 AM on February 8, 2012 [16 favorites]


Reading other responses, I want to reiterate that, to me, the creepy part is not the googling, but the fact that the uncle told Boyfriend that he googled and asked him to relay a question to (essentially) a perfect stranger. It's uncomfortably boundary-pushing.

I could see that he was playing around with his smartphone throughout the journey and just as he got off, he said "I see you have a show tonight" and pointed to the screen of his phone with an announcement of the show I was indeed involved in that night.

This is incredibly creepy and, again, uncomfortably boundary-pushing. Even if you wear your name on your sweater, that does not mean that you have given strangers the permission to stalk you.
posted by muddgirl at 7:49 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


... is my discomfort a weird reaction to have ...

Yours is not a weird reaction, especially in your case where you have not allowed much about yourself to be posted online, because of your "very private person" nature. But it's the nature of the net, and it's something to understand, get used to, and use to your advantage.

Something to think about is the distinction between privacy and publicness, as discussed by Jeff Jarvis in his book Public Parts. As Jarvis explains, some of this concern has arisen in connection with other technologies such as printing, cameras, telephones, etc. The thing to work on is cultivating a public persona that consists of those things about yourself that you are willing for strangers to know. Your instinctual reaction has been, "I don't want them to know much at all." But the realistic, practical reaction should be that there are plenty of things you can share without getting people into your private life. And when you begin doing that, it won't feel weird anymore when someone finds it and mentions it to you or discovers you. It happens to me all the time. It's useful to me professionally, and I've grown to think it's pretty cool, not weird. So in other words, value your publicness as well as your privacy.
posted by beagle at 7:49 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Even if you don't have much out about yourself on the internet, trust me, you are still very easy to find, unless you have an extremely generic name. Both my husband and I used to skip trace people for a living, so if you have done something on the internet, benign or not, it will be found. We used a variety of websites to do our job besides Google, namely Pipl. For our job, however, we both had corporate licenses for a site called Accurint, which shows any and all property owned by an individual, car accidents, liens, and run-ins with the law. Your boyfriend's average Joe uncle will not have access to that kind of site.

I would not worry about this. I Googled my husband and I married him anyway.
posted by ThaBombShelterSmith at 7:50 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Best answer: 1. The uncle's behavior strikes me as somewhat unusual. I would find the expenditure of time and effort on his part odd, but I wouldn't be creeped out, as I don't have any expectation of privacy on Google-able stuff.

2. I would also find the above oddity essentially irrelevant save as a curiosity. It's just somebody's whack uncle.

3. What IS more relevant is whether you think your new BF facilitated this behavior, or is enabling his uncle by fetching info about you and relaying it to him. Not sure from what you said; however, for me the most worrisome note was that your BF seemed comforted by the degree of comfort his whack uncle had achieved.

Shorter version: worry if at all only about what this says about your BF, not the uncle.
posted by Clyde Mnestra at 7:55 AM on February 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


If your question was about Googling at all, I would say that I expect that people will do it, and if they don't do it, I wonder a bit. Are they incurious? Are they incapable?

Likewise, I wholeheartedly agree with Hollywood Upstairs Medical College. If you don't have any presence on Google, that is a warning sign.

Is your discomfort unwarranted? Others have said no. I would say the bigger thing here is just to trust your boyfriend that this question didn't come from a bad place, and let the hint of creepiness roll off you. If it happens again and again, set a boundary with your boyfriend. If it doesn't stop, then you have a real problem.
posted by fake at 7:58 AM on February 8, 2012


Best answer: Even if you wear your name on your sweater, that does not mean that you have given strangers the permission to stalk you.

Googling ≠ stalking!

Can we all just agree on that? The trivialization of the word stalking does a real disservice to true victims of a horrible, terrifying, violent crime.
posted by headnsouth at 8:01 AM on February 8, 2012 [23 favorites]


FTR I have a very thin presence on the Googles and this is because I grew up on the Internet and BBSes before that, so for me it was always assumed that one would be anonymous or at least pseudononymous on the internet. I have pretty much moved like a ghost through the interwebz for the past 15 years.

And while there's all kinds of reasons to be afraid of me, I'd venture to say that my lack of exposure on the Google is not among them.

That's my excuse though, I've also been working in a rather paranoid industry professionally for the past 12 years or so, so that probably helps explain it as well. I only recently got a public, searchable Linkedin profile.
posted by some loser at 8:05 AM on February 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


Yes, it bothers me a lot. I don't think there's anything odd about other people doing it, I know that's the world we live in, but it still bothers me to the point that I will not Google other people to dig for information about them. To find their web site, fine. To get their address, fine. To find their usenet postings from 15 years ago? No. I hate the whole idea of it and won't participate in it. But I realize that other people don't feel the same way and it's a perfectly normal thing to do--I just wish they wouldn't.
posted by HotToddy at 8:07 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Virtually any unwanted contact between two people that directly or indirectly communicates a threat or places the victim in fear can be considered stalking.
If ob did not feel fearful or feel a threat, then I apologize. I was projecting my own potential discomfort on a situation that I was not a part of. There is a continuum of behavior from 'normal' to 'violent stalking,' and I think to ignore the fact that future stalkers will start with minor transgressions is dangerous.

Googling a complete stranger who is sitting next to you on the train, and then showing them the result of the googling and commenting on it, is a serious violation of social norms (in the US) and is a sign (to me) that such a person is going to exceed other boundaries.
posted by muddgirl at 8:09 AM on February 8, 2012


Best answer: Most interpersonal communication is about finding a connection between people; he found one and was interested, in a positive way. I can understand your feelings but I think you should look at his motivations as friendly/benign until proven otherwise. There is also the possibliity that your boyfriend misunderstood and the uncle did not intend a question directed at your boyfriend about you to then be repeated to you.
posted by saucysault at 8:17 AM on February 8, 2012


Best answer: One the one hand, it's not that odd that Uncle Googled you; it is a little over-the-top for him to use that as the basis to send additional requests for info via BF --- and at the very least, BF could've told Uncle no, he wouldn't pass along the questions.

But on the other hand, yeah, I'd say most folks at least casually Google people we know. I'll freely admit that years ago when Google was newish, I ran my own name, my parents and several other family members through, just as a sort of test: I figured that I knew what the results should be, so let's see what they come up with.

I quit real quick though when I found out about a major criminal case one of my brothers-in-law (who has a very unusual name, so there was no mistaking it was definately him) was involved in way back in 1970, and have never since Googled anybody but myself.
posted by easily confused at 8:24 AM on February 8, 2012


I would be completely flattered is someone who knows someone who knows me Googled me. Unfortunately, I shared a rare name with someone who is an idiot and happens to look like me, so I have that to deal with. Then again, I won't become friends with un-smart Googlers.

It's not weird at all that his uncle Googled you. I "Google-stalk" and "Facebook-stalk" (not to be confused with actual stalking) people all the time at work, simply for practice (my job requires very strong research and social media skills, so who better to practice with than co-workers).

His uncle is probably just a curious person learning to use the Internets.

So, I'd be flattered.
posted by TinWhistle at 8:24 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


I don't google people because you can find out way too much about them before you have any other knowledge to mediate your response to the information you find. I dislike enough people as it is, so I don't need to know that my boss holds political views I find abhorrent that have nothing to do with our work, or a neighbor has a hobby that I think is contemptible. It makes it harder to be comfortable with people, not easier.

I personally wonder why people who google everyone have nothing better to do with their time but to research acquaintances. I do feel uncomfortable about people googling me, but I've accepted that it is part of this disgusting new world we live in that no one has any privacy at all.

So the fact the uncle was researching you in a way that you (and I) find creepy doesn't mean he is being creepy, but the fact that your boyfriend actually relayed the information that his uncle was researching you is a little odd. As people have said, right now the convention is to pretend that one doesn't google everyone as if they were an eighth grade English essay topic.
posted by winna at 8:29 AM on February 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


> It's not weird at all that his uncle Googled you.

I emphatically agree with this; I google people all the time based on random curiosity, and there is nothing wrong/creepy about it. I find talk about the "weird uncle" and so on in this thread offputting and bizarre—just because the poster finds it creepy does not make it creepy. That's not to say the poster is wrong to feel that way; we all have a right to our reactions, however illogical. But her reaction does not make the uncle a creep, any more than the fact that somebody thought ballet fans were creepy would make you a creep if you like ballet.
posted by languagehat at 8:30 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Best answer: languagehat: "I find talk about the "weird uncle" and so on in this thread offputting and bizarre—just because the poster finds it creepy does not make it creepy."

It's not the googling that makes it creepy, it's the relaying of this fact and the question passed through the bf that make it creepy.

Of those people you google all the time, how many have you e-mailed asking them to clarify their position on something about them? I'm guessing none, because that would be creepy.
posted by Grither at 8:35 AM on February 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


This is incredibly creepy and, again, uncomfortably boundary-pushing. Even if you wear your name on your sweater, that does not mean that you have given strangers the permission to stalk you.

Well, perhaps. I must say I found it a little strange. Still, due to the nature of my career, I have to be very easily googleable and I did have a nametag on my bag, so I can't help feeling that I invited it.
posted by ob at 8:42 AM on February 8, 2012


I think current etiquette is the following:
  1. We all can and do google every damn thing in the universe now. People, places, curiosities, random words we overhear that we're curious how to spell. Admitting to doing so no more scandalous than admitting to reading books or riding the subway.
  2. When you have googled someone -- even extensively -- the polite social interaction is to pretend you have not, and let them socially reveal, or omit, whatever it is they wish to, to you. You should behave toward them as though you know only what they have told you, or at most what is so blindingly obvious from their public persona as to be impossible to ignore.
#1 is just understanding and accepting reality. #2 is because we cannot always control the picture google paints of us, and socializing is an exercise in constructing shared pictures between people.

So your boyfriend's uncle googling you was not rude, but asking about something he found was.
posted by ead at 8:45 AM on February 8, 2012 [4 favorites]


The way your boyfriend dances to his uncle's tune IS creepy!

Seriously? Asking you questions for uncle based on his googling? Feeling good he made uncle happy?

Your guy doesn't have a mind of his own. Sounds like the uncle has way way too much influence over him.

Re-think dating this person. THIS IS A CREEPY FAMILY DYNAMIC.

I'm not advising you to "Run," but if you choose to slowly back out of the room and then run, I'd totally understand!
posted by jbenben at 8:46 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Googling other people is something that lives firmly in the realm of actions associated with polite fictions. Everyone does it but no one talks about it right away.

That may sound weird or strangely hypocritical, but it's just sort of the cost of doing business in a society built on norms and mores and fictions.

It's not so strange, if you think about it in other terms: If I am on a first date with someone, or just interacting in any way with someone I don't know all that well, I can safely assume that sometimes they are alone and they fart and it's really a bad one, like a real paint-peeler, and they sniff the air and they're like, "Wow, I'm kind of proud of that one."

Nevertheless - even though I know it to be true - it would freak me out a little if a relative stranger, maybe someone I'm on a date with, just said out of nowhere, "You know what, I like the smell of my own farts."

Similarly, it's not so weird that his uncle Googled you. It's weird that he asked for information based on what he'd learned. It's not, like, heart-attack weird or anything but it's a little odd.

So: Your discomfort is not a weird reaction to have. Your boyfriend seems to have handled it well once he realized how you reacted. I don't know that I would have relayed the question the way he did, but different people handle situations differently.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:48 AM on February 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


He then asked my boyfriend to ask me a question based on something he found (about my undergrad college).
My boyfriend's response is that he has talked about me to his uncle, but not in super-detail, and that his uncle was mostly just a combination of nosiness and protectiveness

THIS is what's creepy to me about the scenario. Not the Googling in and of itself, the fact that he's sending you a message with the Googling. A message of "protectiveness" as your BF said -- in so many words, "know that I'm watching you and finding out things about you, so don't mess with me/us." I would take it as really fucking aggro, honestly. Really inappropriately and creepily aggressive and it would really piss me off. Again not the Googling itself but the "protective" message-sending.

My new boyfriend told me last night that his uncle (who is like a father to him) Googled me. ... My boyfriend also said that his uncle liked what he found, which made my boyfriend feel good about our relationship.

And this is the other thing I find creepy/off about the scenario. That this boyfriend is presumably a full-grown man but the dynamic between him and the uncle around dating is usually one that parents have with their 12 year old daughters who are going on their first dates. There's just something really weird about the fact that the uncle feels entitled to make these kinds of judgments, and not only does the nephew not tell him to butt out, he actually seems to rely on the judgments to make up his own mind. I had to have a million fights with my parents as I became college-aged to get them to STOP acting this. An adult male whose parental figures still treat him this way, and he actually cherishes it, is creepy to me. When you have a fight, is he going to go crying to his uncle to tell him all about how mean you are and the uncle will think up some stuff to Google about you?

Yes, in case it wasn't clear I find this creepy.
posted by cairdeas at 8:51 AM on February 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


I don't have a presence on Google because I have a stalker.

I am a normal, nice person who prefers to avoid harassment and danger.

Just as a data point.
posted by jbenben at 8:52 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


There is nothing about the internet which guarantees anonymity. Someone Googling you is benign and expected -- I'd say no, not weird. For all you know, the uncle was idly killing time; don't sweat what is, basically, small stuff when it comes to this.
posted by ellF at 8:55 AM on February 8, 2012


Best answer: There's just something really weird about the fact that the uncle feels entitled to make these kinds of judgments
The OP said the uncle is "like a father to him". The relationship is quasi-parental, not avuncular. Think of it as mom or dad doing the Googling.
...and not only does the nephew not tell him to butt out, he actually seems to rely on the judgments to make up his own mind.
On what basis? The OP wrote, "My boyfriend also said that his uncle liked what he found, which made my boyfriend feel good about our relationship." And why shouldn't? It's quasi-parental approval. Is there something wrong with feeling good about that? Is that a failure to make up his own mind?
I had to have a million fights with my parents as I became college-aged to get them to STOP acting this.
But not everybody does. Some people share their life's details around the dinner table and don't mind if other family members react to that information.

One other thing that's being missed here: The OP wrote: "He then asked my boyfriend to ask me a question based on something he found (about my undergrad college). I didn't know the answer..." In other words, the question was not personal. It was a factual question about the college.
posted by beagle at 9:08 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Forget the Googling for a second. Suppose boyfriend had said to uncle, in a normal family situation like at dinner, my new GF went to Oxford. Uncle says, "oh, hey, ask her about XYZ", a factual not personal question about Oxford. Boyfriend asks GF, mentioning the uncle is interested. Is that creepy? No, it's normal human interaction. Having Google in the picture does not make it creepy.
posted by beagle at 9:19 AM on February 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


I dunno. My mom Googled my boyfriend. Even though he is a good sport, I think he would be offended if he ever found out about it, and so I have shielded him from that fact and will continue to for as long as possible. My mother wasn't trying to be rude or creepy, but she just felt like all the facts about him weren't adding up. She's a mother. She's protective. And... she was right. Lots of things came out after we had been dating for a few months. It wasn't the story she had concocted - not by a long shot. But it did fill in the gaps and make everything make a little more sense.

Anyway, I wasn't creeped out by the fact that my boyfriend already knew my parents' names on our first date because he had Googled me. He wasn't creeped out that I knew which companies he worked for, or that I knew where he worked previously. But I can totally understand his feeling of unease if he discovered that my mother had been checking up on him.

Conversely, my boyfriend's mother added me on Facebook and when I finally met her, she came right up to me at the airport and exclaimed (in her adorable Eastern European drawl) "YOU LOOK JUST LIKE FACEBOOK!" and gave me a big hug. I think the reason that is less threatening is that a Facebook connection - like a million other things - is just one little strand in the web of interconnectedness that we spin in order to create structure and stability in our families (whether biological families or families of choice). Her decision to Friend me on Facebook wasn't threatening, but inviting. As understanding as I am of her reasons, the same can't be said of my own mother's behavior.

Ultimately, I think the thing you're reacting to is the very subtle familial hostility inherent in this act. Very quietly, the act of checking up on you says "We WILL circle our wagons someday, and it might be against you." It is hard not to react to that kind of a message, even when the potential threat remains ephemeral.
posted by jph at 10:11 AM on February 8, 2012


Is the info accurate? I share a name and some location coincidences with someone else so that muddies the search results. Additionally, there are some things I did professionally that are long gone, but the upgrades and remodels and othe dramatic changes still show up as my work.

I think as long as the Googler at least pays some attention to the easily proven fact that the Internet, like small town gossips, is not entirely fact-based then being Googled is just one of those things.

(It's not one of those things if you are hiding from someone who wants to hurt you. Very much not.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 10:36 AM on February 8, 2012


Best answer: Where I come from, the assumption is that if you have things on the internet that are searchable, that's public knowledge and it's not weird for people to know about these things. I don't think it is the least bit unusual or weird that the uncle did a search ("time and effort"? Really?), was interested in your undergrad, and asked about it. I think it is weirder to try and maintain some false sense of not knowing or being disinterested in information that is available to anyone with an internet connection.

I don't think it is unusual for you to feel how you feel about it though- some visceral responses can't be explained away by the normality or pervasiveness of a thing. I value honesty and straightforwardness in a person, so I think if I were in your shoes I would try and examine my response to the uncle from that point of view.
posted by oneirodynia at 10:39 AM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Best answer: Similarly, it's not so weird that his uncle Googled you. It's weird that he asked for information based on what he'd learned.

I'm with those who see nothing at all wrong with the Googling itself. I'd like to offer a slightly more nuanced take on the "asking a question" part that I've yet seen in the thread (sorry if I just missed it). I think whether or not the question-asking is crossing a line depends entirely on the question. If the Googling happens to have turned up something embarrassingly personal then the Googler should simply shut up about it (assuming, of course, that it's harmless in the wider scheme of things). But if it is anodyne information that no one would expect to be secret (such as, for example, where you went to college) I think questions are fair game. It's not clear from your account what exactly the question was, but if it was "My uncle saw that you attended SuchandSuch U and wanted to know if the BigFatDonor Building on the campus was as ugly in real life as it is in the photos" that seems to me entirely kosher. If it was "my Uncle found these photos on your old college friend's Facebook account of you half naked and apparently snorting coke off the ass of SuchandSuch U's quarterback and he'd like to know if you had sex with the Quarterback and, for extra credit, what it was like" then no, that would not be o.k.
posted by yoink at 10:52 AM on February 8, 2012 [2 favorites]


TBH, I'd be a little ooged out about the Uncle. But I think your boyfriend handled it very well, so that would probably balance it out for me. I thought it was understood that people will google, but it's rather bad form to face-to-face snoop based on what you've found out. Or does that only apply to interviews?
posted by Space Kitty at 12:20 PM on February 8, 2012


On further reflection (and more tea) I don't love the question-by-proxy thing. You've never met the Uncle, right? These questions seem more like the sort of small talk you make with someone you've already met. Then it reads like interest instead of checking bona fides.

I don't know that I'd do anything about it yet, but now that you know your boyfriend has differing ideas about what can be comfortably shared with relatives, I'd make sure to explicitly state if something was meant for his ears only.
posted by Space Kitty at 12:40 PM on February 8, 2012


What I find creepy is that your boyfriend seems to value a Google-based opinion of you from another person who hasn't even met you, and that he thinks you would be flattered by that. That strikes me as most odd, and would certainly make me incredibly uncomfortable. More with the boyfriend than the Googler.
posted by Decani at 12:42 PM on February 8, 2012 [1 favorite]


Do you think the uncle would be weirded out to know you asked a bunch of strangers about him?
posted by roger ackroyd at 1:00 PM on February 8, 2012 [3 favorites]


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