This too shall pass, breakup edition...
February 2, 2012 2:52 PM Subscribe
Give me your best advice for comforting and supporting someone who just got dumped, hard.
My little sister/roommate (23) just got dumped after 2 years of a rocky relationship with a guy, and she's devastated.
I stopped in at home during my lunch hour, and ran into her there. She told me he "wanted some space" for an undefined amount of time, and proceeded to start bawling. I guess this was pretty unexpected. They've broken up a few times before, mostly relating to her needing more attention than he's willing to give. But she thought things were going well lately.
I talked to her for a little while, and (as nicely as I could) I told her I think it would be best for her to officially ends things with him, given how many times they've broken up before. Things aren't improving between them because they keep falling into old bad habits. Time to cut her losses, learn from the relationship, and do better with the next guy. She realizes it's true, but this prospect has just crushes her further at the same time - a lot of time invested in him. She was dreading having to go over to his place to get her stuff back, so I told her I'd bail on my plans tonight and go with her, or just be there for her, whatever she needs, she appreciated that. I gave her a bit of a pep talk, "grieve now, that's ok", "he won't be the last guy you ever date" etc., set her up with some tea, toast and a blanket, and went back to work.
So tonight I'm set up for an evening of consoling someone who's been dumped. I've had my fair share of relationship experience and read plenty of askmes and savage love to have thoughtful things to say. I'm not going in totally green, but not well-seasoned either. What would you say and do for a friend? What have they said/done that made you feel better?
My little sister/roommate (23) just got dumped after 2 years of a rocky relationship with a guy, and she's devastated.
I stopped in at home during my lunch hour, and ran into her there. She told me he "wanted some space" for an undefined amount of time, and proceeded to start bawling. I guess this was pretty unexpected. They've broken up a few times before, mostly relating to her needing more attention than he's willing to give. But she thought things were going well lately.
I talked to her for a little while, and (as nicely as I could) I told her I think it would be best for her to officially ends things with him, given how many times they've broken up before. Things aren't improving between them because they keep falling into old bad habits. Time to cut her losses, learn from the relationship, and do better with the next guy. She realizes it's true, but this prospect has just crushes her further at the same time - a lot of time invested in him. She was dreading having to go over to his place to get her stuff back, so I told her I'd bail on my plans tonight and go with her, or just be there for her, whatever she needs, she appreciated that. I gave her a bit of a pep talk, "grieve now, that's ok", "he won't be the last guy you ever date" etc., set her up with some tea, toast and a blanket, and went back to work.
So tonight I'm set up for an evening of consoling someone who's been dumped. I've had my fair share of relationship experience and read plenty of askmes and savage love to have thoughtful things to say. I'm not going in totally green, but not well-seasoned either. What would you say and do for a friend? What have they said/done that made you feel better?
Best answer: just listen to her. have some silly movies ready to watch. get some crappy food. think about how you had fun when you guys were 8 years old, before boys. do some of those things.
i don't think you should try to fix it or lean too hard on "this is for the best" type stuff for the first week or more. i think you should even be careful not to insult him. she's hurting and she's confused and she's scared. sometimes well intentioned "lots of fish in the sea"/"he was a loser" type stuff comes off more as "you were dumb to be in it this long and buck up soldier!" i don't think you at all mean that, but she's fragile right now, so extra care is needed.
posted by nadawi at 3:00 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
i don't think you should try to fix it or lean too hard on "this is for the best" type stuff for the first week or more. i think you should even be careful not to insult him. she's hurting and she's confused and she's scared. sometimes well intentioned "lots of fish in the sea"/"he was a loser" type stuff comes off more as "you were dumb to be in it this long and buck up soldier!" i don't think you at all mean that, but she's fragile right now, so extra care is needed.
posted by nadawi at 3:00 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
A silly movie and some hot chocolate (add Baileys or ButterShots as needed).
posted by Glinn at 3:01 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Glinn at 3:01 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Considering the break up/get back together pattern, I'd be very careful not to badmouth him too much in case they do wind up getting back together. That way lies madness.
Having been on both sides of this (the consoling friend and the dumpee needing consolation), I'd try to remember the following things:
1.) There will be venting, ranting, and probably horrible things said about the dumper by the dumpee. The correct response is "oh, honey. There, there," or "I understand why you feel so hurt!" - do not say "WHAT A DOUCHE!" or "AND HE ALSO SMELLS LIKE ASPARAGUS!!" no matter how much you want to.
2.) Think of as many different, tender and supportive ways you can find to say "I am so sorry you're so hurt, you will get through this, and whatever you need to do to feel better, I am here to help".
3.) Do NOT focus on what part she might have played in this breakup right now. That is for dissection when she is clear headed. She is a 10 on the pain scale. The focus should be on making her comfortable, and relieving the pain in the least destructive way possible. Careful self-introspection is not appropriate at this time.
4.) Ice cream.
5.) If/when she starts talking about taking immediate, desperate action, gently steer her away. Statements like "I'm going to delete my facebook forever!!!" or "I'm going over there with a boombox to hide outside his window!" are things to look out for. If she tries to text or call him, talk about setting a time window to wait before she does. See what she's comfortable with. "Howabout you wait a week and see?"
posted by pazazygeek at 3:04 PM on February 2, 2012 [7 favorites]
Having been on both sides of this (the consoling friend and the dumpee needing consolation), I'd try to remember the following things:
1.) There will be venting, ranting, and probably horrible things said about the dumper by the dumpee. The correct response is "oh, honey. There, there," or "I understand why you feel so hurt!" - do not say "WHAT A DOUCHE!" or "AND HE ALSO SMELLS LIKE ASPARAGUS!!" no matter how much you want to.
2.) Think of as many different, tender and supportive ways you can find to say "I am so sorry you're so hurt, you will get through this, and whatever you need to do to feel better, I am here to help".
3.) Do NOT focus on what part she might have played in this breakup right now. That is for dissection when she is clear headed. She is a 10 on the pain scale. The focus should be on making her comfortable, and relieving the pain in the least destructive way possible. Careful self-introspection is not appropriate at this time.
4.) Ice cream.
5.) If/when she starts talking about taking immediate, desperate action, gently steer her away. Statements like "I'm going to delete my facebook forever!!!" or "I'm going over there with a boombox to hide outside his window!" are things to look out for. If she tries to text or call him, talk about setting a time window to wait before she does. See what she's comfortable with. "Howabout you wait a week and see?"
posted by pazazygeek at 3:04 PM on February 2, 2012 [7 favorites]
Just hang out and shove some food in her direction. Junk food is traditional, but she's probably not eating very well, so perhaps junk food on top of a more "meal" type item. Find something distracting to watch - the cheesier and more mind numbing the better - and just sit around. You'll figure out pretty quickly if she wants to talk about it or not.
I went through a pretty shitty divorce (as if there are happy ones?) a few years ago and it was just sitting on other people's couches with miraculously prepared dinner that got me through it as left alone, all I did was cry. Add another person in the room and something on TV and OH HEY FOOD and suddenly, there were a few hours passed without crying. Amazing.
People talking to me helped, but it was best if I was the one initiating the conversation. What I wanted most of all was just to be with people and be not crying.
posted by sonika at 3:06 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
I went through a pretty shitty divorce (as if there are happy ones?) a few years ago and it was just sitting on other people's couches with miraculously prepared dinner that got me through it as left alone, all I did was cry. Add another person in the room and something on TV and OH HEY FOOD and suddenly, there were a few hours passed without crying. Amazing.
People talking to me helped, but it was best if I was the one initiating the conversation. What I wanted most of all was just to be with people and be not crying.
posted by sonika at 3:06 PM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Agreed with all of the above. Something that helped me quite a bit when going through a similar breakup around 23 was this book, Exorcising Your Ex. I realize it's probably not very applicable for tonight, but it's about as lighthearted a take as you can get on breakups. I remember it being very helpful for navigating a first big breakup and heading off potential problems on the road to emotional recovery (ahem, ex-sex). Might be helpful for you as you try to support her, and might be something she's ready for in a week or so if this time around sticks. Good luck!
posted by stellaluna at 3:14 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by stellaluna at 3:14 PM on February 2, 2012
As you grow older, it's common to lose patience with "have broken up a few times before" and start to look for a partner from whom you never break up.
posted by rhizome at 3:36 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 3:36 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Bite the bullet. Feel crappy. Don't distract yourself. Take the hit all at once.
posted by Ironmouth at 4:25 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by Ironmouth at 4:25 PM on February 2, 2012
Maybe in addition to being physically present, just address her feelings of being unloved right now.
There's a line in The Tall Guy: "Never mind, I love you. I know it's not quite the same." A variation on that theme might help.
posted by tel3path at 4:48 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
There's a line in The Tall Guy: "Never mind, I love you. I know it's not quite the same." A variation on that theme might help.
posted by tel3path at 4:48 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
My mom slept in the same bed with me after both my breakups for a few nights. It helped immensely. It was deeply comforting to know I had one person who did love me through thick and thin.
posted by Sa Dec at 6:50 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by Sa Dec at 6:50 PM on February 2, 2012
It's sorta corny, but maybe doing something like playing a boardgame or cards could help her take her mind off it? Listen to her if she wants to talk though, of course!
posted by mlle valentine at 7:34 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by mlle valentine at 7:34 PM on February 2, 2012
I tend to find angry music a lot more helpful in these situations than sad music, but that's not true for everyone.
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:30 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by Ragged Richard at 8:30 PM on February 2, 2012
Hugs, listening, chocolate, booze, staying close, going to breakfast at a diner and a long walk with fresh air the next day.
posted by ead at 10:27 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by ead at 10:27 PM on February 2, 2012
Be light without being pushy (don't try and get her to go out or tell her there's plenty of other guys out there; do make jokes about random shit and talk about anything other than relationships; do try and have fun doing things that aren't exactly oriented toward finding new partners). There's nothing worse than being around someone just as miserable as you are (I know from recent experience).
posted by outlandishmarxist at 11:36 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by outlandishmarxist at 11:36 PM on February 2, 2012
I'd stay away from the alcohol, which is a depressant. Whenever I reacted to breakups by drinking, I'd end up crying in the bathroom at 3 a.m. Not exactly conducive to the healing process.
posted by chicainthecity at 8:09 AM on February 3, 2012
posted by chicainthecity at 8:09 AM on February 3, 2012
Do you live near a park, public garden, forest or ocean? Whenever I'm heartbroken I find nature to be extremely comforting. Pack a delicious picnic lunch and go to a park or the ocean or someplace where you can hear the birds and smell the breeze.
And, of course, what everyone else said above - be there for her, listen to her, give her hugs and support.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:47 AM on February 3, 2012
And, of course, what everyone else said above - be there for her, listen to her, give her hugs and support.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 8:47 AM on February 3, 2012
Nthing nature
Action movies are great as they are engrossing, but have almost zero emotional content
Company, doing things. Its a great time to clean house (maybe both yours and hers), clean out old closets... and so on
posted by zia at 9:16 AM on February 3, 2012
Action movies are great as they are engrossing, but have almost zero emotional content
Company, doing things. Its a great time to clean house (maybe both yours and hers), clean out old closets... and so on
posted by zia at 9:16 AM on February 3, 2012
It has been postulated that the benefit of crying isn't related to the act of crying itself, but to the physical response it elicits from others, e.g. hugs, face touch, comforting embraces, etc. Physical contact goes a long way in tempering intense and acute emotional pain. I don't know how close you two are, but when people are hurt to the point of crying, they are sometimes more willing to accept hugs and be held than they may be otherwise, and if she does seem amenable to this, it could possibly help her deal with the pain.
Physical contact has been associated with a slight increase in endorphin levels ("feel-good" chemicals) in some clinical studies. Sitting by your sister with your arm around her while she sobs will not fix any problems, but it may help take the sting away for the duration of your time with her – and honestly, right now, it doesn't sound like there is anything that can be fixed. A break from the pain for a little while is the best thing you can give her right now.
posted by labandita at 11:19 AM on February 3, 2012
Physical contact has been associated with a slight increase in endorphin levels ("feel-good" chemicals) in some clinical studies. Sitting by your sister with your arm around her while she sobs will not fix any problems, but it may help take the sting away for the duration of your time with her – and honestly, right now, it doesn't sound like there is anything that can be fixed. A break from the pain for a little while is the best thing you can give her right now.
posted by labandita at 11:19 AM on February 3, 2012
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posted by fso at 2:58 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]