Please help me be less of a clingy and unsatisfied girlfriend.
February 2, 2012 10:16 AM Subscribe
I'm becoming a clingy girlfriend, and I think it's partially because of my low self-esteem -- and partially because I'm unable to orgasm.
Backstory: I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year. I'm 23, and this is the first even marginally serious relationship I've been in (everything else has barely lasted a couple of weeks.) Additionally, I'm a late bloomer, and had sex for the first time (with him) about 3 months ago. Since then, sex has been only ok for me -- I like being intimate with him, but I've never orgasmed. Honestly, a lot of the time it's just me waiting for him to finish. Sometimes, the sex is uncomfortable, though not as much as when we first began.
He's tried everything - manual stimulation, oral, etc., but nothing is really working. I'm trying vibrators on myself, and I have managed to get to a mini orgasm, but nothing really satisfying. It's starting to become a problem in our relationship.
The other day, he told me that the last weekend we were together with mutual friends I was being "clingy" and "annoying," as in all over him, 24/7. This is the first time he's ever said something like that to me. It hurt, but I know he's not wrong. (And he's a very affectionate boyfriend, at that.) I think that part of the problem is my inability to orgasm -- I'm nearly always unsatisfied, so I'm always clingy/horny, whereas once he gets it out of his system he doesn't feel the need to be all over me all of the time. Part of the reason, though, is low self-esteem (which is partially attributable to my failure to orgasm) and depression that I've had all my life (yes, I'm currently trying meds/in therapy.) I want to text him/call him/be with him all of the time. I don't distrust him, but I feel like I need reassurance from him constantly that he loves me and wants to be with me every second of the day. (Which is ridiculous, I know.)
I'm still new-ish to this area and don't have a ton of friends. I'm also getting out of a long period of un/underemployment so I'm broke and bored a lot of the time. (Luckily I'll be moving to a new area and starting a new job soon.)
What would you suggest, MeFites? I've had this problem before with men, and so far he's been the most understanding about it. (When guys before him found out I was a virgin, and had trouble orgasming, they ditched me pretty quickly.) I don't want to ruin this and all potential future relationships because I'm clingy and unsatisfied all of the time. Any suggestions, advices, relevant anecdotes, book recommendations, etc. would help. Thanks!
Backstory: I've been with my current boyfriend for almost a year. I'm 23, and this is the first even marginally serious relationship I've been in (everything else has barely lasted a couple of weeks.) Additionally, I'm a late bloomer, and had sex for the first time (with him) about 3 months ago. Since then, sex has been only ok for me -- I like being intimate with him, but I've never orgasmed. Honestly, a lot of the time it's just me waiting for him to finish. Sometimes, the sex is uncomfortable, though not as much as when we first began.
He's tried everything - manual stimulation, oral, etc., but nothing is really working. I'm trying vibrators on myself, and I have managed to get to a mini orgasm, but nothing really satisfying. It's starting to become a problem in our relationship.
The other day, he told me that the last weekend we were together with mutual friends I was being "clingy" and "annoying," as in all over him, 24/7. This is the first time he's ever said something like that to me. It hurt, but I know he's not wrong. (And he's a very affectionate boyfriend, at that.) I think that part of the problem is my inability to orgasm -- I'm nearly always unsatisfied, so I'm always clingy/horny, whereas once he gets it out of his system he doesn't feel the need to be all over me all of the time. Part of the reason, though, is low self-esteem (which is partially attributable to my failure to orgasm) and depression that I've had all my life (yes, I'm currently trying meds/in therapy.) I want to text him/call him/be with him all of the time. I don't distrust him, but I feel like I need reassurance from him constantly that he loves me and wants to be with me every second of the day. (Which is ridiculous, I know.)
I'm still new-ish to this area and don't have a ton of friends. I'm also getting out of a long period of un/underemployment so I'm broke and bored a lot of the time. (Luckily I'll be moving to a new area and starting a new job soon.)
What would you suggest, MeFites? I've had this problem before with men, and so far he's been the most understanding about it. (When guys before him found out I was a virgin, and had trouble orgasming, they ditched me pretty quickly.) I don't want to ruin this and all potential future relationships because I'm clingy and unsatisfied all of the time. Any suggestions, advices, relevant anecdotes, book recommendations, etc. would help. Thanks!
Not everyone has clear orgasms and it is not a requirement for a healthy and happy sex life.
posted by Blasdelb at 10:30 AM on February 2, 2012 [7 favorites]
posted by Blasdelb at 10:30 AM on February 2, 2012 [7 favorites]
Three quick points:
1. Anti-depressants can block your ability to orgasm.
2. You can have good sex without an orgasm - so are you thinking it isn't good unless you get to come? Do you have unrealistic expectations? Is it possible you're just not having very good sex? Do you feel your inability to orgasm is creating a sort of power imbalance during sex (i.e. you two get to do everything *he*wants instead of what *you* like)?
Honestly, a lot of the time it's just me waiting for him to finish.
Despite it being a big trope in the world that "women want a man who can last all night" - it's not universally true at all. Many women enjoy the initial penetration the most, and then, say, ten or fifteen minutes more of, uh, pumping action. And that's enough.
3. You had trouble orgasming with boyfriends before - did they expect you to, and that created a lot of pressure for you? It's hard to get into sex if your partner is expecting you to perform by having an orgasm. Have you tried vibrators before now? Have you tried really powerful vibrators, like the Hitachi Magic Wand? Many vibrators are too weak in vibration if you're a woman that needs a lot of stimulation to come.
posted by flex at 10:37 AM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
1. Anti-depressants can block your ability to orgasm.
2. You can have good sex without an orgasm - so are you thinking it isn't good unless you get to come? Do you have unrealistic expectations? Is it possible you're just not having very good sex? Do you feel your inability to orgasm is creating a sort of power imbalance during sex (i.e. you two get to do everything *he*wants instead of what *you* like)?
Honestly, a lot of the time it's just me waiting for him to finish.
Despite it being a big trope in the world that "women want a man who can last all night" - it's not universally true at all. Many women enjoy the initial penetration the most, and then, say, ten or fifteen minutes more of, uh, pumping action. And that's enough.
3. You had trouble orgasming with boyfriends before - did they expect you to, and that created a lot of pressure for you? It's hard to get into sex if your partner is expecting you to perform by having an orgasm. Have you tried vibrators before now? Have you tried really powerful vibrators, like the Hitachi Magic Wand? Many vibrators are too weak in vibration if you're a woman that needs a lot of stimulation to come.
posted by flex at 10:37 AM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
Can you clarify whether he said you were 'clingy & annoying' in front of these mutual friends or privately to you when you just happened to be in their company? Because criticising a partner in front of other people is usually a Bad Thing to do, especially if they have low self-esteem and he is contributing to your problems if he's pulling that sort of stunt.
If he is contributing to your problems, then you need to make a deal whereby he agrees to make only constructive criticism in private and you agree to ask him for reassurance (or whatever) no more than x times a day. Otherwise you're just going to find yourself in a downward spiral, rather than a mutually supportive relationship that uplifts you both.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 10:38 AM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
If he is contributing to your problems, then you need to make a deal whereby he agrees to make only constructive criticism in private and you agree to ask him for reassurance (or whatever) no more than x times a day. Otherwise you're just going to find yourself in a downward spiral, rather than a mutually supportive relationship that uplifts you both.
posted by Busy Old Fool at 10:38 AM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
I can be clingy and annoying, and even at my most clingy and annoying I don't think my boyfriend would use those words (to my face, anyway) to describe me.
Maybe his rejection is contributing to your clinginess? I have certainly been there.
posted by queens86 at 10:47 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Maybe his rejection is contributing to your clinginess? I have certainly been there.
posted by queens86 at 10:47 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
About the no-orgasm problem: tell your doctor. There are antidepressants that don't cause anorgasmia, some even that have been known to improve their frequency.
About the clinginess: yeah, when you're inexperienced and depressed, it can be a problem. It sounds like your boyfriend really does love you and means well, but clinginess can really dampen a relationship. (I'm guessing he made this remark ABOUT the weekend, rather than DURING it, right?) Depending on another person for all your happiness and security and self-esteem is NOT healthy AT ALL.
Best prescription: get your own life. This is hard, yes, and it will seem unnatural and even painful. You have a lot of free time since you're unemployed. Setting aside the time when you're actually working or job-hunting, learn to find things that you can enjoy doing alone. You're in Orange County, from the looks of your profile, not in some landlocked Rust Belt wasteland. Plenty of stuff to do. You're close to the beach, for crying out loud! Go to concerts, talks, book signings. Join a group that does something you like to do on your own. Have something to look forward to in your life besides your boyfriend. Take a class at a community college. Do stuff where you can meet other people who share your interests. Yes, it will be hard and scary, but you have to do this. It will greatly improve your depression and your relationship, and soon you won't be obsessing about whether your boyfriend loves you or calling him fifteen times a day, because your life will be too full to do either.
Good luck.
posted by tully_monster at 10:59 AM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
About the clinginess: yeah, when you're inexperienced and depressed, it can be a problem. It sounds like your boyfriend really does love you and means well, but clinginess can really dampen a relationship. (I'm guessing he made this remark ABOUT the weekend, rather than DURING it, right?) Depending on another person for all your happiness and security and self-esteem is NOT healthy AT ALL.
Best prescription: get your own life. This is hard, yes, and it will seem unnatural and even painful. You have a lot of free time since you're unemployed. Setting aside the time when you're actually working or job-hunting, learn to find things that you can enjoy doing alone. You're in Orange County, from the looks of your profile, not in some landlocked Rust Belt wasteland. Plenty of stuff to do. You're close to the beach, for crying out loud! Go to concerts, talks, book signings. Join a group that does something you like to do on your own. Have something to look forward to in your life besides your boyfriend. Take a class at a community college. Do stuff where you can meet other people who share your interests. Yes, it will be hard and scary, but you have to do this. It will greatly improve your depression and your relationship, and soon you won't be obsessing about whether your boyfriend loves you or calling him fifteen times a day, because your life will be too full to do either.
Good luck.
posted by tully_monster at 10:59 AM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
It's really important that you find ways to distract yourself when you're feeling clingy if you're hoping for a long term relationship. Romantic intimacy is great, but it's rare. Maybe it's so special because it's rare. It's really more of a garnish for a healthy relationship, not the substance.
How is your self esteem? Do you have any hobbies that make you feel smart, talented, funny, and generally awesome? Do you have any interests that are kinda dormant, that are waiting to be engaged? Things like exercise, reading, listening closely to music, or really anything that takes a strong mental effort will stimulate your brain in exciting ways, drawing your attention away from your emotional needs temporarily, helping you develop a sense of self that exists apart from your anxiety.
It is not easy, though. Learning to redirect my own attention toward especially desirable sensations, ideas, activities, and away from my insatiable compulsions and anxieties has given me my life back. It's a daily effort, but it's an effort that I know will be rewarded.
posted by jwhite1979 at 11:07 AM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
How is your self esteem? Do you have any hobbies that make you feel smart, talented, funny, and generally awesome? Do you have any interests that are kinda dormant, that are waiting to be engaged? Things like exercise, reading, listening closely to music, or really anything that takes a strong mental effort will stimulate your brain in exciting ways, drawing your attention away from your emotional needs temporarily, helping you develop a sense of self that exists apart from your anxiety.
It is not easy, though. Learning to redirect my own attention toward especially desirable sensations, ideas, activities, and away from my insatiable compulsions and anxieties has given me my life back. It's a daily effort, but it's an effort that I know will be rewarded.
posted by jwhite1979 at 11:07 AM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
Most importantly: you're awesome! I know, I've been there, it's really hard not to feel less-than when orgasms aren't happening. But females that orgasm from penetrative sex alone are the exception, not the rule, and it frequently takes a Lot of experimenting to even figure out what feels good while masturbating, let alone with a partner. The fact that you're both willing to work at it speaks good things for you both - as long as it is fun, not a chore.
It sounds like you're going to start living your own life a bit more soon, which is great and should help your self-esteem. But also realize that your orgasm, or lack thereof, while important for your pleasure in sex, but it's not a measure of your worth.
posted by ldthomps at 11:08 AM on February 2, 2012
It sounds like you're going to start living your own life a bit more soon, which is great and should help your self-esteem. But also realize that your orgasm, or lack thereof, while important for your pleasure in sex, but it's not a measure of your worth.
posted by ldthomps at 11:08 AM on February 2, 2012
Just to clarify, I really don't think my boyfriend would use those words behind my back to describe me, either. I have been frustrated by and called myself needy, and all he has ever had to say is 'don't worry about that.' Did he say it in a heated argument? I hope he has apologized, because I really don't think that's a respectful way to talk to your partner.
I'm only driving this point home because I spent some time with a boyfriend who would call me needy, and all it really did was leave me with insecurity about my actions that I still have and make me more insecure and clingy in my relationship with him. There are better ways to communicate if he wants some space.
posted by queens86 at 11:18 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm only driving this point home because I spent some time with a boyfriend who would call me needy, and all it really did was leave me with insecurity about my actions that I still have and make me more insecure and clingy in my relationship with him. There are better ways to communicate if he wants some space.
posted by queens86 at 11:18 AM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I would spend some time exploring your body (like before a nap, or when you're not quite ready to get up... and use lube while doing it if you have trouble getting wet... then when you've figured out what gets you off, you can masturbate in front of him... he'll get involved because guys think thats hot... then pull back and work on yourself again to keep things going if you start to lose that stimulation... this is still quite early!
posted by misspony at 11:28 AM on February 2, 2012
posted by misspony at 11:28 AM on February 2, 2012
Response by poster: Hey guys, promise not to thread-sit, but I just wanted to clear some things up:
So I'm actually on a mood stabilizer, not an anti-depressant. I've also only been on it for a couple of weeks, so I don't think it's contributing to the problem. I've been on hormonal birth control since we started having sex, though, so I don't know if that's it?
I actually have the Hitachi Magic Wand (the boyfriend bought it for me) and it's the only thing that gets me to anything approaching orgasm, but it lasts a couple of seconds only and isn't that strong. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I've never really masturbated before being with my boyfriend so it could be inexperience.
He said the "clingy and annoying" bit to me a couple of days later after we were hanging out with friends, in private at his own apartment. I actually kind of dragged it out of him, because I sensed something was wrong -- he didn't bring it up. He said it makes him kind of uncomfortable when I'm all over him when we're in a group of people. And, now that I'm thinking about it, he's said things to this effect before (but gentler, and more vague.) This is the first time I've actually seen him frustrated with me, and it worries me. I don't want to make excuses, but I want to emphasize that he is a pretty affectionate guy, and we did talk about it for a while (after which he apologized for the phrasing). I just don't want to be like this.
posted by themaskedwonder at 11:47 AM on February 2, 2012
So I'm actually on a mood stabilizer, not an anti-depressant. I've also only been on it for a couple of weeks, so I don't think it's contributing to the problem. I've been on hormonal birth control since we started having sex, though, so I don't know if that's it?
I actually have the Hitachi Magic Wand (the boyfriend bought it for me) and it's the only thing that gets me to anything approaching orgasm, but it lasts a couple of seconds only and isn't that strong. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I've never really masturbated before being with my boyfriend so it could be inexperience.
He said the "clingy and annoying" bit to me a couple of days later after we were hanging out with friends, in private at his own apartment. I actually kind of dragged it out of him, because I sensed something was wrong -- he didn't bring it up. He said it makes him kind of uncomfortable when I'm all over him when we're in a group of people. And, now that I'm thinking about it, he's said things to this effect before (but gentler, and more vague.) This is the first time I've actually seen him frustrated with me, and it worries me. I don't want to make excuses, but I want to emphasize that he is a pretty affectionate guy, and we did talk about it for a while (after which he apologized for the phrasing). I just don't want to be like this.
posted by themaskedwonder at 11:47 AM on February 2, 2012
Orgasm pro tip: focus on your breathing, and each time you breathe in, try to pull the pleasurable sensations upwards into your body. I have trouble orgasming but that really works for me!!
posted by whalebreath at 11:55 AM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by whalebreath at 11:55 AM on February 2, 2012 [2 favorites]
I've been on hormonal birth control since we started having sex, though, so I don't know if that's it?
Could be -- I have certainly had that very side effect from HBC.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:55 AM on February 2, 2012
Could be -- I have certainly had that very side effect from HBC.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:55 AM on February 2, 2012
You just started masturbating recently? That might explain it! I masturbated for like, years, before I figured it out. Experiment with different sensations (vibrators don't do much for me, for instance) and different uh, mental experiences. For me, an orgasm is as much about what's going on in my head fantasy-wise as about the physical stuff. Also, take the pressure off and do this solo- trying and failing to get yourself off with an audience is not so fun.
Also, your boyfriend shouldn't be pressuring you or making you feel bad about this. It's so, so common, and I know from experience that guys can start off feeling guilty/responsible for their girlfriend not orgasming during sex... and then get over it. Make sure your boyfriend knows that orgasming actually during sex is super super rare, and also, if you can't get yourself off with all the feedback you have available, he shouldn't assume he can magically make it happen. Work on making sex more fun for you, but don't make the goal orgasming- just having a really, really good time. It's about the journey, not the destination, you know? Your trouble with orgasming is about you, not a symptom of your relationship or anything to do with him. If you aren't having fun during sex, though, that's different: if you need more or less of something to make it fun, tell him! If he really wants you to orgasm, he should be open to making things better for you in other ways too, not just ways focused on getting you to come.
The HBC could be making things worse. How would switching to non-hormonal forms work for you guys, just for a while? I've always found that it blunts my sex drive a little to a lot, depending on the form.
posted by MadamM at 12:14 PM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
Also, your boyfriend shouldn't be pressuring you or making you feel bad about this. It's so, so common, and I know from experience that guys can start off feeling guilty/responsible for their girlfriend not orgasming during sex... and then get over it. Make sure your boyfriend knows that orgasming actually during sex is super super rare, and also, if you can't get yourself off with all the feedback you have available, he shouldn't assume he can magically make it happen. Work on making sex more fun for you, but don't make the goal orgasming- just having a really, really good time. It's about the journey, not the destination, you know? Your trouble with orgasming is about you, not a symptom of your relationship or anything to do with him. If you aren't having fun during sex, though, that's different: if you need more or less of something to make it fun, tell him! If he really wants you to orgasm, he should be open to making things better for you in other ways too, not just ways focused on getting you to come.
The HBC could be making things worse. How would switching to non-hormonal forms work for you guys, just for a while? I've always found that it blunts my sex drive a little to a lot, depending on the form.
posted by MadamM at 12:14 PM on February 2, 2012 [5 favorites]
I think some of the problem here is that you are conflating multiple issues. Maybe you need to tease those out.
So...you guys have been having sex for the last 3 months, but have been together for a year. You feel frustrated with being orgasm-free, and maybe a little insecure about that, as well. Additionally, you feel like you are being clingy. Also, there are some general insecurity/depression issues at play.
But, when I read your question, you automatically connected a lack of orgasm with clingyness.
Which led me to wonder: is this clingyness a new thing that developed only after you guys started having sex? Also, is the lack of orgasms a post-sex thing only, or were you having orgasms together before? Or were you not engaging in any sexual activity before? Was there prior sexual frustration, or were you content with whatever you were doing? Were you feeling insecure about other issues before sex began? What is really going on here?
I have a suspicion that you are experiencing insecurity related to self-esteem issues, or with emotional issues in your relationship, but you are automatically correlating it to your lack of orgasms. Concurrently, you appear to be having problems orgasming during sex, but you don't really seem to be addressing whether you have had long-standing difficulties reaching orgasm, even with yourself. Furthermore, you also seem to be equating orgasm with enjoyable sex, when a lot of women can point to times when they've had very pleasurable sex that also happened to not lead to climax.
So...I think step 1 might be to start looking into what these various concerns might be, attempting to tease them apart, and then figuring out which approaches might be appropriate for tackling each one, separately.
posted by sock puppet of mystery! at 12:15 PM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
So...you guys have been having sex for the last 3 months, but have been together for a year. You feel frustrated with being orgasm-free, and maybe a little insecure about that, as well. Additionally, you feel like you are being clingy. Also, there are some general insecurity/depression issues at play.
But, when I read your question, you automatically connected a lack of orgasm with clingyness.
Which led me to wonder: is this clingyness a new thing that developed only after you guys started having sex? Also, is the lack of orgasms a post-sex thing only, or were you having orgasms together before? Or were you not engaging in any sexual activity before? Was there prior sexual frustration, or were you content with whatever you were doing? Were you feeling insecure about other issues before sex began? What is really going on here?
I have a suspicion that you are experiencing insecurity related to self-esteem issues, or with emotional issues in your relationship, but you are automatically correlating it to your lack of orgasms. Concurrently, you appear to be having problems orgasming during sex, but you don't really seem to be addressing whether you have had long-standing difficulties reaching orgasm, even with yourself. Furthermore, you also seem to be equating orgasm with enjoyable sex, when a lot of women can point to times when they've had very pleasurable sex that also happened to not lead to climax.
So...I think step 1 might be to start looking into what these various concerns might be, attempting to tease them apart, and then figuring out which approaches might be appropriate for tackling each one, separately.
posted by sock puppet of mystery! at 12:15 PM on February 2, 2012 [4 favorites]
It might help to stop focussing on what you don't like about yourself, or the sex; about not orgasming, and start thinking about taking pleasure in him and his body; you have this whole living, breathing being before you: what turns him on? Sometimes it helps to focus on the other person, turning them on... this is often a surer way of getting into it than focussing on your own pleasure (when it's going to happen; why hasn't it happened yet?).
Other than that, you're quite young sexually (having just recently lost your virginity) and for myself and many women I know, it can take a long time to really get to know your body. Certainly sex gets better for me every year, and in the first few years, wasn't much.
I doubt this has to do with your emotional "clinginess," which sounds like insecurity to me. You need to think, before you call your boyfriend/text him, whether you're doing it for reassurance. If you are, maybe stop, and try to reassure yourself: not even reassure yourself that he loves you, but that you're okay and as valid as any other human being; that you're a gift to the world, whether or not he loves you or is presently thinking about you or any of that.
Good luck! All good things and developments take time...
posted by Clotilde at 12:17 PM on February 2, 2012
Other than that, you're quite young sexually (having just recently lost your virginity) and for myself and many women I know, it can take a long time to really get to know your body. Certainly sex gets better for me every year, and in the first few years, wasn't much.
I doubt this has to do with your emotional "clinginess," which sounds like insecurity to me. You need to think, before you call your boyfriend/text him, whether you're doing it for reassurance. If you are, maybe stop, and try to reassure yourself: not even reassure yourself that he loves you, but that you're okay and as valid as any other human being; that you're a gift to the world, whether or not he loves you or is presently thinking about you or any of that.
Good luck! All good things and developments take time...
posted by Clotilde at 12:17 PM on February 2, 2012
If sex is already unsatisfying, you can try to "debug" your moods by going off birth control for 1-2 months. The hormones will exit your system and then you can see how much it's been affecting you.
HBC has been found to cause low sex drive and decrease enjoyment if it binds with testosterone.
posted by bookdragoness at 1:45 PM on February 2, 2012
HBC has been found to cause low sex drive and decrease enjoyment if it binds with testosterone.
posted by bookdragoness at 1:45 PM on February 2, 2012
The other day, he told me that the last weekend we were together with mutual friends I was being "clingy" and "annoying," as in all over him, 24/7. This is the first time he's ever said something like that to me. It hurt, but I know he's not wrong.
It doesn't matter if he's right or wrong. He didn't put it in a nice way. It was rude of him to tell you that and to not care that he hurt you, even if he was being honest.
You sound like you beat yourself up a lot and worry too much what other people think. I know women are afraid of seeming "clingy" and "codependent" and "needy" or "crazy" or whatever characteristic that might suggest you're a human being who has various emotional needs from time to time that can only be fulfilled by people they are close to.
So you're not the perfect "cool and aloof" girlfriend all the damn time. Nobody is that cool and you don't have to strive to be the mythical emotionally perfect "in-demand" girlfriend stereotype. You really need to tell yourself it's okay not to be perfect, and tell your boyfriend he's being rude and unhelpful and mean and hurtful.
Your boyfriend needs to learn to be a nicer boyfriend (like, an actual friend) who is on your side and cares about your feelings, whether in public or in private.
posted by anniecat at 2:16 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
It doesn't matter if he's right or wrong. He didn't put it in a nice way. It was rude of him to tell you that and to not care that he hurt you, even if he was being honest.
You sound like you beat yourself up a lot and worry too much what other people think. I know women are afraid of seeming "clingy" and "codependent" and "needy" or "crazy" or whatever characteristic that might suggest you're a human being who has various emotional needs from time to time that can only be fulfilled by people they are close to.
So you're not the perfect "cool and aloof" girlfriend all the damn time. Nobody is that cool and you don't have to strive to be the mythical emotionally perfect "in-demand" girlfriend stereotype. You really need to tell yourself it's okay not to be perfect, and tell your boyfriend he's being rude and unhelpful and mean and hurtful.
Your boyfriend needs to learn to be a nicer boyfriend (like, an actual friend) who is on your side and cares about your feelings, whether in public or in private.
posted by anniecat at 2:16 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
In terms of the PDA, you might just not be compatible. Not saying DTMFA, but I'm always suspicious when one party is "annoyed" by affection, as if they'd rather pretend you weren't dating in front of your friends. Maybe you're truly being over the top, but I think you'd have to be pretty embarrassing (and impervious to social cues) to make an actual spectacle of yourself. I say this because I've been dating my boyfriend for about two years, and I've never even thought that he was being "annoying" in front of other people. The only time I've ever felt that way about a guy, we were on the brink of a break-up. DISCLAIMER: People feel different ways, blah blah, but since you're new to relationships it's something to think about.
Agreed with above posters that you don't have to be perfectly emotionally reserved to be a good girlfriend. You DO have to know your own feelings and needs, though. The best thing you can do in a relationship is be yourself-- so many of the early problems with "clinginess" and so on are a result of one party pretending to be something he/she isn't, and always fearing the truth will come out.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:57 PM on February 2, 2012
Agreed with above posters that you don't have to be perfectly emotionally reserved to be a good girlfriend. You DO have to know your own feelings and needs, though. The best thing you can do in a relationship is be yourself-- so many of the early problems with "clinginess" and so on are a result of one party pretending to be something he/she isn't, and always fearing the truth will come out.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:57 PM on February 2, 2012
Just chiming in to say that I was one of the women who needed to learn how. My history was different from yours as I had been married young but did not have an orgasm until I had been sexually active for about ten years and had even had children. Seems astonishing now but those were different times. What helped me was reading and learning about sex, giving myself permission to be sexual, learning to masturbate to orgasm, then to ask for the things I discovered I liked. It was empowering to think of orgasms as mine, within my capability to have, rather than some mysterious thing somebody gave me or not. It did change the way I thought of myself; I felt more confidence. Once I learned how--and it's true that so much of it is in your head--then I was able to have an orgasm during intercourse much more reliably. It still didn't always happen but I didn't feel as dependent or anxious about it. Give yourself a little time.
posted by Anitanola at 5:54 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Anitanola at 5:54 PM on February 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Spend more time on you. Your therapist can probably help you with this, both developing an idea of what you want for yourself, and strategies for getting it, but I'll outline some of my guiding principles.
I can identify with a couple things you mention (low self esteem, boyfriend obsession, him getting touchy about PDA), and while inability to orgasm isn't in my experience bank, I think dealing with the other things may give you an idea about how to help yourself with that, provided it isn't completely a side effect of your HBC.
At 27, I'm in my 4th serious relationship. I have a strong history of codependence and interdependence. My current relationship is finally the one where I'm *really* learning about independence and how to be myself, a whole person. Even though this relationship is less than a year old, it's seen the most growth and awesomeness in me.
"PDA" around friends: This came up with my man just a couple weeks ago, after we'd attended a friend's birthday party. The issue was about our mutual expectations about "us" interaction in certain kinds of groups. When it's a medium sized group or a planned event, he prefers that we each have our own conversations and interactions with other guests, and just touch base every once in a while. Not "we don't know each other", or "we must avoid being in the same conversation", just not "joined at the hip". It's not an unfair point of view, considering he and I see each other more than we see our friends. I don't "prefer" to be his one and only focus in group settings, but after spending the week apart, I naturally seek his attention. Communication and compromise were involved, encompassing his need to not be monopolized by me and my need to have my affection/attention tank filled to a certain level. Now he gives me more snuggles and such before we leave for a party and I ask for less while we're there.
(Another thing about my experience-- you didn't mention this, but I won't be surprised if it's the same with you. The friends we were hanging out with were originally HIS friends. The group has accepted me and I'm getting to know them better, but they've known my boyfriend much longer. They call him to make plans, and tend not to contact me directly without a specific reason. So part of the adjustment process has been becoming "ME" to these people, rather than "HIS GF". He loves it when I can hold my own in that group (or any group) and wean myself from needing his supervision/training wheels.)
General clinginess: Get more awesome on your own, through hobbies and interests you don't need your boyfriend for. If you invest in yourself through projects and learning new things, you will NEED him less and he will probably like you even more than he does now (capable chicks are hot). The more active, productive, and engrossing these activities are, the better this technique will work. Pick stuff that will make you "level up" and result in accomplishments that you can be proud of. Your boyfriend will watch in amazement and be proud of you, too. As you get deeply involved in your own interests, you will probably forget to call him from time to time. I don't mean this in the neglectful way, but you might find yourself forgetting that you "needed" to call him as soon as he got off work. This can lower the quantity of interaction with him, but it will definitely raise the quality.
You time: Treat yourself. Develop private rituals where you focus on yourself and damn the world. This can be a super long bath, or savoring your favorite beverage somewhere comfortable/scenic, or whatever. Find ways to truly relax and be happy by yourself, to feel unapologetically great in your own head and heart and skin. (I am still learning this. My boyfriend occasionally goes on his patio to smoke a cigar, drink scotch, and just unwind while looking out at the city. I was jealous of that habit until I realized there is NOTHING stopping me from hiking to the top of my favorite hill and eating a bag of jellybeans by myself from time to time.)
You time, version 2: do the above, then masturbate. Read erotica, look at porn, get your own sex toy, see where it takes you. Have some private time exploring your own sexualness without even thinking about your relationship. Knowing your body and what it likes is a life skill worth having, whether you're in a relationship or not.
In sum, find ways to reassure yourself. This doesn't mean never use him for emotional support, but teach yourself how to self-soothe. Your boyfriend isn't the first line of defense against crankiness... YOU are. Trust in your own awesomeness.
Four out of five times when I'm having a bad day, I'll go for a run, or listen to favorite podcast/album, or eat a piece of fruit, or journal, or do something creative, sometimes I'll do a bunch of these things. And after I've tried a couple things to improve my day, I'll call my boyfriend. In the meantime, one of three things has happened: a) I feel better, so I'm complaining less and communicating more, or b) I'm not feeling better, but I've had time to think about the roots of my misery, so I can complain less and communicate more, or c) I'm not feeling better, but I can show my boyfriend that I tried to solve the problem before asking for help.
The other 5th of the time I go straight to the phone call, but because it's not my most frequent recourse when feeling low, my boyfriend can't complain about me being clingy.
I may have over-answered about the self-esteem and clinginess and under answered about the anorgasmia, But, like others, i encourage you to separate the issues as far from each other as possible. Refuse to let a (likely) medical issue reflect on your self-worth!
Good luck out there.
posted by itesser at 8:30 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
I can identify with a couple things you mention (low self esteem, boyfriend obsession, him getting touchy about PDA), and while inability to orgasm isn't in my experience bank, I think dealing with the other things may give you an idea about how to help yourself with that, provided it isn't completely a side effect of your HBC.
At 27, I'm in my 4th serious relationship. I have a strong history of codependence and interdependence. My current relationship is finally the one where I'm *really* learning about independence and how to be myself, a whole person. Even though this relationship is less than a year old, it's seen the most growth and awesomeness in me.
"PDA" around friends: This came up with my man just a couple weeks ago, after we'd attended a friend's birthday party. The issue was about our mutual expectations about "us" interaction in certain kinds of groups. When it's a medium sized group or a planned event, he prefers that we each have our own conversations and interactions with other guests, and just touch base every once in a while. Not "we don't know each other", or "we must avoid being in the same conversation", just not "joined at the hip". It's not an unfair point of view, considering he and I see each other more than we see our friends. I don't "prefer" to be his one and only focus in group settings, but after spending the week apart, I naturally seek his attention. Communication and compromise were involved, encompassing his need to not be monopolized by me and my need to have my affection/attention tank filled to a certain level. Now he gives me more snuggles and such before we leave for a party and I ask for less while we're there.
(Another thing about my experience-- you didn't mention this, but I won't be surprised if it's the same with you. The friends we were hanging out with were originally HIS friends. The group has accepted me and I'm getting to know them better, but they've known my boyfriend much longer. They call him to make plans, and tend not to contact me directly without a specific reason. So part of the adjustment process has been becoming "ME" to these people, rather than "HIS GF". He loves it when I can hold my own in that group (or any group) and wean myself from needing his supervision/training wheels.)
General clinginess: Get more awesome on your own, through hobbies and interests you don't need your boyfriend for. If you invest in yourself through projects and learning new things, you will NEED him less and he will probably like you even more than he does now (capable chicks are hot). The more active, productive, and engrossing these activities are, the better this technique will work. Pick stuff that will make you "level up" and result in accomplishments that you can be proud of. Your boyfriend will watch in amazement and be proud of you, too. As you get deeply involved in your own interests, you will probably forget to call him from time to time. I don't mean this in the neglectful way, but you might find yourself forgetting that you "needed" to call him as soon as he got off work. This can lower the quantity of interaction with him, but it will definitely raise the quality.
You time: Treat yourself. Develop private rituals where you focus on yourself and damn the world. This can be a super long bath, or savoring your favorite beverage somewhere comfortable/scenic, or whatever. Find ways to truly relax and be happy by yourself, to feel unapologetically great in your own head and heart and skin. (I am still learning this. My boyfriend occasionally goes on his patio to smoke a cigar, drink scotch, and just unwind while looking out at the city. I was jealous of that habit until I realized there is NOTHING stopping me from hiking to the top of my favorite hill and eating a bag of jellybeans by myself from time to time.)
You time, version 2: do the above, then masturbate. Read erotica, look at porn, get your own sex toy, see where it takes you. Have some private time exploring your own sexualness without even thinking about your relationship. Knowing your body and what it likes is a life skill worth having, whether you're in a relationship or not.
In sum, find ways to reassure yourself. This doesn't mean never use him for emotional support, but teach yourself how to self-soothe. Your boyfriend isn't the first line of defense against crankiness... YOU are. Trust in your own awesomeness.
Four out of five times when I'm having a bad day, I'll go for a run, or listen to favorite podcast/album, or eat a piece of fruit, or journal, or do something creative, sometimes I'll do a bunch of these things. And after I've tried a couple things to improve my day, I'll call my boyfriend. In the meantime, one of three things has happened: a) I feel better, so I'm complaining less and communicating more, or b) I'm not feeling better, but I've had time to think about the roots of my misery, so I can complain less and communicate more, or c) I'm not feeling better, but I can show my boyfriend that I tried to solve the problem before asking for help.
The other 5th of the time I go straight to the phone call, but because it's not my most frequent recourse when feeling low, my boyfriend can't complain about me being clingy.
I may have over-answered about the self-esteem and clinginess and under answered about the anorgasmia, But, like others, i encourage you to separate the issues as far from each other as possible. Refuse to let a (likely) medical issue reflect on your self-worth!
Good luck out there.
posted by itesser at 8:30 PM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
You just started having sex and just started masturbating. Give yourself patience and practice. Takes years to learn your body right.
posted by ead at 10:43 PM on February 2, 2012
posted by ead at 10:43 PM on February 2, 2012
I actually have the Hitachi Magic Wand (the boyfriend bought it for me) and it's the only thing that gets me to anything approaching orgasm, but it lasts a couple of seconds only and isn't that strong. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I've never really masturbated before being with my boyfriend so it could be inexperience.
Keep at it. When I started dating my girlfriend she had never had an orgasm before and I was a virgin. We bought the wand and that did help but she still wasnt getting great results. Eventually we figured out that manual stimulation along with the wand helped alot, along with getting a dimmer control for the wand to control the speed to exactly what she needed. Plus we both kinda got better at it in general. Now she gets a good quality orgasm every time with the wand, and can even get a decent one on her own with less stimulating vibrators which she could never do before. So just keep practicing it can get better over time.
posted by Sexy, Sexy Anonymity at 9:34 AM on February 3, 2012
Keep at it. When I started dating my girlfriend she had never had an orgasm before and I was a virgin. We bought the wand and that did help but she still wasnt getting great results. Eventually we figured out that manual stimulation along with the wand helped alot, along with getting a dimmer control for the wand to control the speed to exactly what she needed. Plus we both kinda got better at it in general. Now she gets a good quality orgasm every time with the wand, and can even get a decent one on her own with less stimulating vibrators which she could never do before. So just keep practicing it can get better over time.
posted by Sexy, Sexy Anonymity at 9:34 AM on February 3, 2012
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