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February 1, 2012 5:46 AM Subscribe
Date filter: When do I tell my date that I'm in the middle of a divorce? Also, how should I go about telling?
So I've just got out of a seven-year relationship, and while there's no hard feelings in the marriage, I have decided to move on with my life. As far as the divorce goes, we're just waiting until it's legal (she's in a no-wait state, but she needs residency to file; I'm in a year-long trial-separation state, so I wouldn't be legally eligible to file for some time). I'm dating again, and I'm meeting people I do like (or rather, a person I do like). I don't want to scare her off by telling her too early, but I also don't want to shock her later on and scare her off that way. Caveat: I'm younger than most divorcées (28), meaning it may be more of a strange thing for whoever I tell.
So I've just got out of a seven-year relationship, and while there's no hard feelings in the marriage, I have decided to move on with my life. As far as the divorce goes, we're just waiting until it's legal (she's in a no-wait state, but she needs residency to file; I'm in a year-long trial-separation state, so I wouldn't be legally eligible to file for some time). I'm dating again, and I'm meeting people I do like (or rather, a person I do like). I don't want to scare her off by telling her too early, but I also don't want to shock her later on and scare her off that way. Caveat: I'm younger than most divorcées (28), meaning it may be more of a strange thing for whoever I tell.
Tell her now. In the future, during the first date. Dating married people is a deal breaker for a lot of people.
posted by losvedir at 5:56 AM on February 1, 2012 [10 favorites]
posted by losvedir at 5:56 AM on February 1, 2012 [10 favorites]
I don't want to scare her off by telling her too early,
You have no right to manipulate her choices this way. It's UP TO HER whether she's willing to date a married man. If she doesn't want to, that's your tough luck.
posted by jon1270 at 5:58 AM on February 1, 2012 [18 favorites]
You have no right to manipulate her choices this way. It's UP TO HER whether she's willing to date a married man. If she doesn't want to, that's your tough luck.
posted by jon1270 at 5:58 AM on February 1, 2012 [18 favorites]
Tell her before the first date. A lot of women have no interest in dating someone who is still married to someone else. And some women might have no problem with that, but will be really offended that you withheld such an important, relevant fact for one or more dates. I think I'd find someone who did that really dishonest, actually.
Also, have you seen this thread?
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:00 AM on February 1, 2012 [13 favorites]
Also, have you seen this thread?
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:00 AM on February 1, 2012 [13 favorites]
Give any woman you might date the respect of making the choice as to whether she wants to date a married man--before the first date is made. If you didn't afford me this basic respect, I'd dump you when I did find out.
posted by murrey at 6:15 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by murrey at 6:15 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Tell her yesterday.
As someone that has finalized his divorce this past December, let me say that there is no "middle." You start, and at some point you're done. In hindsight, there was a middle, but I never would have known it was at the time.
posted by bricksNmortar at 6:23 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
As someone that has finalized his divorce this past December, let me say that there is no "middle." You start, and at some point you're done. In hindsight, there was a middle, but I never would have known it was at the time.
posted by bricksNmortar at 6:23 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I don't want to scare her off by telling her too early
Sadly, no, that's not the way this one works. If you, for example, lived with your mother, that's something that you could postpone telling her until she learned what a delightful, independent, and fiscally responsible person you are. But as many said before, there are people to whom this MATTERS. Really really does. Not a flaw that can be balanced by any other good qualities: a guy who is not yet divorced is married, and she might think it the ultimate horror to find she'd already been on 2 dates with a married man before he confessed he was married, an action which makes him even more unappealing than a guy who she refused to date because he was married.
It's almost impossible to use any other personality traits to predict someone's feelings about the divorcING=married issue, so there's no way around it but to tell her and find out which side of that fence she's on. Think of it as saving yourself from her. If it scares her off, then good! because that means you haven't had to invest emotional energy into something doomed before it even started.
posted by aimedwander at 6:24 AM on February 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
Sadly, no, that's not the way this one works. If you, for example, lived with your mother, that's something that you could postpone telling her until she learned what a delightful, independent, and fiscally responsible person you are. But as many said before, there are people to whom this MATTERS. Really really does. Not a flaw that can be balanced by any other good qualities: a guy who is not yet divorced is married, and she might think it the ultimate horror to find she'd already been on 2 dates with a married man before he confessed he was married, an action which makes him even more unappealing than a guy who she refused to date because he was married.
It's almost impossible to use any other personality traits to predict someone's feelings about the divorcING=married issue, so there's no way around it but to tell her and find out which side of that fence she's on. Think of it as saving yourself from her. If it scares her off, then good! because that means you haven't had to invest emotional energy into something doomed before it even started.
posted by aimedwander at 6:24 AM on February 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
The right thing to do is to simply tell her the truth. Anything less is wrong. If she doesn't like the truth and accept it, then she's not the one for you anyway.
The fact that you're afraid to tell her tells me that you're perhaps started the dating process too soon. Just because you know you're not going back to your wife and the divorce is just a formality, it doesn't mean you are ready to date.
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:29 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
The fact that you're afraid to tell her tells me that you're perhaps started the dating process too soon. Just because you know you're not going back to your wife and the divorce is just a formality, it doesn't mean you are ready to date.
posted by PsuDab93 at 6:29 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
I too came in here to suggest the thread linked by DestinationUnkown. It's pretty similar to your situation and question.
Also thirding the responses to this: I don't want to scare her off by telling her too early, but I also don't want to shock her later on and scare her off that way.
It matters. You may better understand how/why it matters in time, especially if you open dialogue with women about it in an upfront manner. Do be upfront with the information on first dates with women (and in your profile on dating sites, if that applies, by saying "separated" and not "divorced" until it has been 100% finalized, not "I'm sure it will be finalized soon").
posted by fraula at 6:30 AM on February 1, 2012
Also thirding the responses to this: I don't want to scare her off by telling her too early, but I also don't want to shock her later on and scare her off that way.
It matters. You may better understand how/why it matters in time, especially if you open dialogue with women about it in an upfront manner. Do be upfront with the information on first dates with women (and in your profile on dating sites, if that applies, by saying "separated" and not "divorced" until it has been 100% finalized, not "I'm sure it will be finalized soon").
posted by fraula at 6:30 AM on February 1, 2012
Having been in the receiving end -- yeah, you have to tell them ahead of the first date. If she doesn't want to date a still-married person, too bad for you, but it's better for you both to know that going in than completely wasting everyone's time.
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:30 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Capt. Renault at 6:30 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Definitely tell as early as possible (first date, or dating profile if you're using one). I was getting divorced and dating, so it's not a problem for everyone.
But it is a sort of misleading omission.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:38 AM on February 1, 2012
But it is a sort of misleading omission.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 6:38 AM on February 1, 2012
N-thing that you need to tell her now. I was there fifteen years ago and it was the first thing that I told anyone that I was interested in. Not during the first date but way before that. You can't drop, "oh yea, did I mention that I'm married?" on the first date.
posted by octothorpe at 6:39 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by octothorpe at 6:39 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
The fact that you and your future-ex-wife already live in different states will help make this more palatable to some women, but I Nth the above -- if you're not yet divorced, you're married, and your dates have a right to know that *before* they go on a date with a married person.
posted by jacquilynne at 7:08 AM on February 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by jacquilynne at 7:08 AM on February 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
I'm on a dating site, and I mention it in the second paragraph of my profile.
posted by zippy at 7:32 AM on February 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by zippy at 7:32 AM on February 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
I've been on the surprise receiving end of this twice, one worse than the other. Agreeing with everyone that you can't wait, but on a more helpful note, there are wrong and right ways to go about it.
Wrong: volunteering any details she doesn't ask for up front (you are NOT venting at her or making her privy to any dirty laundry unless she wants that), anything that sounds the least bit bitter or defensive, not keeping it short and sweet, leaving it to the end of the date so you end on a down note
Right: first date, bring it up not at the very beginning or very end. break the conversation flow for a moment if you have to - "hey by the way, there is something important I should tell you. I'm separated from my wife and still finalizing the divorce. The relationship is over and she moved out of state. There are no hard feelings with her, and definitely no kids, but I know it's not a fun first date conversation starter. I'm happy to answer questions about it, though." Pretty much stop there and change the subject unless your date brings it up again. Also, make sure the first date is something quick and low commitment like coffee or drinks so that she doesn't have to sit through dinner if things go downhill from there. That might be the end of the conversation for some people, and you'll have to live with it.
If you get the question "why did you break up?", you can mention really quickly that there wasn't cheating or anything like that, just irreconcilable differences.
posted by slow graffiti at 7:53 AM on February 1, 2012 [18 favorites]
Wrong: volunteering any details she doesn't ask for up front (you are NOT venting at her or making her privy to any dirty laundry unless she wants that), anything that sounds the least bit bitter or defensive, not keeping it short and sweet, leaving it to the end of the date so you end on a down note
Right: first date, bring it up not at the very beginning or very end. break the conversation flow for a moment if you have to - "hey by the way, there is something important I should tell you. I'm separated from my wife and still finalizing the divorce. The relationship is over and she moved out of state. There are no hard feelings with her, and definitely no kids, but I know it's not a fun first date conversation starter. I'm happy to answer questions about it, though." Pretty much stop there and change the subject unless your date brings it up again. Also, make sure the first date is something quick and low commitment like coffee or drinks so that she doesn't have to sit through dinner if things go downhill from there. That might be the end of the conversation for some people, and you'll have to live with it.
If you get the question "why did you break up?", you can mention really quickly that there wasn't cheating or anything like that, just irreconcilable differences.
posted by slow graffiti at 7:53 AM on February 1, 2012 [18 favorites]
I like slow graffiti's advice, provided that it is all true - you are not bitter, you do not have kids (be up front if you do), there is no relationship beyond the legal tie that you are working to dissolve. It's up to the women you date whether they are scared off by this or not, but withholding information is a sure-fire terrible way to start any relationship.
Not exactly related to your question, but I think what might scare some women off is wondering whether you are emotionally ready to date or pursue relationships, not just the fact that you are legally married.
posted by sm1tten at 8:23 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Not exactly related to your question, but I think what might scare some women off is wondering whether you are emotionally ready to date or pursue relationships, not just the fact that you are legally married.
posted by sm1tten at 8:23 AM on February 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Before the first date. First sentence of dating-profile if you use such a site, along with any other salient summary information. No need to dwell on it, but it's a fact, like your age, presence of kids, country of residence, body type, gender and orientation, etc. and it's a completely normal fact for people to filter on. And you know that. Or if somehow you didn't know that before, you do now.
If you are not prepared to be filtered-out based on true and basic facts about yourself, you need to get more comfortable in your own skin before dating. It's about finding a match, not getting through the defenses of an unsuspecting victim. Do not date on false premises. It will Go Very Poorly.
posted by ead at 8:43 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
If you are not prepared to be filtered-out based on true and basic facts about yourself, you need to get more comfortable in your own skin before dating. It's about finding a match, not getting through the defenses of an unsuspecting victim. Do not date on false premises. It will Go Very Poorly.
posted by ead at 8:43 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
The current Mrs. Lurgi told me that she was still married (but separated) on our first date. That's not too early. Anything later would be too late (and you run the risk of never getting around to telling the person if you don't tell them immediately).
It's not a big deal (unless you hide it).
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:12 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
It's not a big deal (unless you hide it).
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 9:12 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
nthing before the first date. This is vital information to know that you must give any woman who is considering dating you before she actually consents to a date. Some women will be cool with it, some won't, and that's entirely their prerogative.
Keep in mind, too, that there are some women who will be cool with your situation if you tell them up front, but who will NOT be cool with finding out about it down the line, because they'll resent having been misled or lied to (even if it's "just" a lie of omission).
posted by scody at 9:12 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
Keep in mind, too, that there are some women who will be cool with your situation if you tell them up front, but who will NOT be cool with finding out about it down the line, because they'll resent having been misled or lied to (even if it's "just" a lie of omission).
posted by scody at 9:12 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
More importantly than the information you are still married, is the information that you are an honest person that does not manipulate your dating partners. At the beginning of a relationship you are being judged by your behaviour without the usual goodwill you have accumilated with past good behaviour in longer relationships.
posted by saucysault at 10:13 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by saucysault at 10:13 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Gosh, I guess I'm in the minority. If you're just casually dating I don't think you need to tell your dates right away. I also don't think it makes any sense to phrase it as "still married" unless you think there is a chance you'll get back together. You're separated, you're working on a divorce, etc. "Still married" means you are looking for an affair, which you aren't.
I have been in both ends of this situation - as someone going through a divorce and as someone dating people going through a divorce. It is something you need to talk about before things get serious but when you're just dating? I think it can easily fall into TMI territory and give the other person the impression that you're telling them because you want to seriously date them sooner than you really intend.
posted by joan_holloway at 11:03 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
I have been in both ends of this situation - as someone going through a divorce and as someone dating people going through a divorce. It is something you need to talk about before things get serious but when you're just dating? I think it can easily fall into TMI territory and give the other person the impression that you're telling them because you want to seriously date them sooner than you really intend.
posted by joan_holloway at 11:03 AM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
"I'm on a dating site, and I mention it in the second paragraph of my profile."
I should have said "first thing in the availability field on my profile" - the site has 'single,' 'married,' and 'married but available'.
I then spend a paragraph explaining my status near the top of my profile.
I think it's better to be up-front and miss a few opportunities, as it shows that I'm honest and direct and saves my time and potential suitors' time for anyone who wants single as opposed to single*.
posted by zippy at 11:06 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
I should have said "first thing in the availability field on my profile" - the site has 'single,' 'married,' and 'married but available'.
I then spend a paragraph explaining my status near the top of my profile.
I think it's better to be up-front and miss a few opportunities, as it shows that I'm honest and direct and saves my time and potential suitors' time for anyone who wants single as opposed to single*.
posted by zippy at 11:06 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you were on a dating site and marked single on your profile (so that searches wouldn't filter you out), but explained in your profile that you are married, living a state away from your wife, and waiting for a divorce until you are legally permitted to file for one, that wouldn't bother me.
If you meet someone somewhere in person and chat for a while without mentioning, that's fine - but when it comes time to ask them on a date, say something along the lines of, "I'd love to take you out sometime, but I want to be upfront first - I'm in the process of separating from my wife - we've been living separately for X months - but we haven't filed the divorce paperwork first."
It's a dealbreaker for some people. Better to find that out sooner rather than later.
posted by insectosaurus at 11:23 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
If you meet someone somewhere in person and chat for a while without mentioning, that's fine - but when it comes time to ask them on a date, say something along the lines of, "I'd love to take you out sometime, but I want to be upfront first - I'm in the process of separating from my wife - we've been living separately for X months - but we haven't filed the divorce paperwork first."
It's a dealbreaker for some people. Better to find that out sooner rather than later.
posted by insectosaurus at 11:23 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
I started dating my current husband two weeks after my ex-husband formally moved out, though we were in a state with a 6mo. waiting period, so we were still officially married. I was up front about this and my new partner didn't care a bit since it was very clearly "We have broken up in every conceivable way but have a legal shit pile to navigate before we are formally out of each other's lives for good" and not "Well... MAAAYYYBBBEEEEEE we'll get back together... it's a trial separation..."
You absolutely need to be honest. Yesterday. Totally upfront. If you mention it now, maybe it's weird. Ok. If you mention it later, it becomes "YOU HAVE A WIFE? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR WIFE!" and then there's the doubt that comes along with that - were you planning on going back to her? Was this all an affair? Etc.
Just tell her and if she's put off by it, move on to someone who understands.
posted by sonika at 11:24 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
You absolutely need to be honest. Yesterday. Totally upfront. If you mention it now, maybe it's weird. Ok. If you mention it later, it becomes "YOU HAVE A WIFE? WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT YOUR WIFE!" and then there's the doubt that comes along with that - were you planning on going back to her? Was this all an affair? Etc.
Just tell her and if she's put off by it, move on to someone who understands.
posted by sonika at 11:24 AM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
There is no "too early". If you're meeting people on a dating site, you need to be clear there that your divorce is in process (I think "in process" includes the legal separation period). Saying you're single is a lie, and beginning relationships with a lie is horrible from a pragmatic point of view, let alone from an ethical point of view.
If you meet someone at a bar or in a class or at the dog park, the time to tell them is before the first date. "I'd love to take you to dinner! But before I ask you on a date, I want to be completely up front and tell you that I am going through a divorce in process, and it isn't likely to be final until {date}."
Don't be a liar.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:00 PM on February 1, 2012
If you meet someone at a bar or in a class or at the dog park, the time to tell them is before the first date. "I'd love to take you to dinner! But before I ask you on a date, I want to be completely up front and tell you that I am going through a divorce in process, and it isn't likely to be final until {date}."
Don't be a liar.
posted by Sidhedevil at 12:00 PM on February 1, 2012
I would not date someone who wasn't yet divorced. I would want to know up front so we didn't waste each other's time. If we met on a dating site and you waited until the first date to tell me, I would be very upset and try to end the date as soon as possible. If I found out after several dates, I would be extremely angry.
Further, if I was OK with the idea of dating someone not yet divorced and the guy waited to tell me, I still would break things off with him since he his omission smacks of deception and that's no way to start a new relationship.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:15 PM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Further, if I was OK with the idea of dating someone not yet divorced and the guy waited to tell me, I still would break things off with him since he his omission smacks of deception and that's no way to start a new relationship.
posted by parakeetdog at 12:15 PM on February 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Add me to "first date at the latest" - probably on the guy's profile if we met online or during the first date if we met some other way. Being married miiiight not be a dealbreaker for me (although I have had bad experiences with "separated" men before), but not telling me as soon as possible would definitely be a dealbreaker.
posted by naoko at 12:31 PM on February 1, 2012
posted by naoko at 12:31 PM on February 1, 2012
Just don't say it right before you're about to have sex with someone for the first time. (Happened to me. Ugh!)
First date at the latest. If the truth scares someone off, then that's just the way things are.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:48 PM on February 1, 2012
First date at the latest. If the truth scares someone off, then that's just the way things are.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:48 PM on February 1, 2012
After spending a good 45 minutes thinking and typing on this topic, I think the rule of thumb for dating me (though I'm clearly in the minority (also, i'm seeing someone)) is you don't have to tell me until you want to kiss me. If I kiss you first, tell me right away. It might break the mood, but at least I have a heads up before I do something that could result in incriminating photos.
This comes from the fact that I dated (online) while separated, and didn't tell guys I only had platonic interactions with. Guys I was fond of found out around the second date. I was also 10 months, 2 moves, and 3000 miles away from my amicably estranged husband, so he was very much not a part of my life anymore.
During the early, casual, platonic stages of dating, before there is physical affection or potential emotions involved, I don't think it's REQUIRED!! to bring up that kind of history. As long as you're not lying, leaving out relevant details, or doing something that could result in incriminating photos (if your wife went secretly crazy and hired a PI), I think it's fine to wait until a woman has an idea of who YOU are, outside the context of your past relationship, before bringing it up.
slow graffiti makes good points about doing it in the middle of the first date, but I think that if my date specifically brought it up, I might respect that it was an upstanding thing to do, but it would still throw me off and make me 10x more likely to unnecessarily "friend zone" the dude.
posted by itesser at 2:06 PM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
This comes from the fact that I dated (online) while separated, and didn't tell guys I only had platonic interactions with. Guys I was fond of found out around the second date. I was also 10 months, 2 moves, and 3000 miles away from my amicably estranged husband, so he was very much not a part of my life anymore.
During the early, casual, platonic stages of dating, before there is physical affection or potential emotions involved, I don't think it's REQUIRED!! to bring up that kind of history. As long as you're not lying, leaving out relevant details, or doing something that could result in incriminating photos (if your wife went secretly crazy and hired a PI), I think it's fine to wait until a woman has an idea of who YOU are, outside the context of your past relationship, before bringing it up.
slow graffiti makes good points about doing it in the middle of the first date, but I think that if my date specifically brought it up, I might respect that it was an upstanding thing to do, but it would still throw me off and make me 10x more likely to unnecessarily "friend zone" the dude.
posted by itesser at 2:06 PM on February 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
i'll also go against the grain and say you don't have to tell before the date or right away.
your marriage is over, the fact that you are still legally married would only be important if you were going to merge households with someone else, but that's far off. the fact that you're technically still married is irrelevant at this point.
i'd say tell her when you guys are talking about your families or past relationships, just whenever it comes up naturally.
posted by cupcake1337 at 5:08 PM on February 1, 2012
your marriage is over, the fact that you are still legally married would only be important if you were going to merge households with someone else, but that's far off. the fact that you're technically still married is irrelevant at this point.
i'd say tell her when you guys are talking about your families or past relationships, just whenever it comes up naturally.
posted by cupcake1337 at 5:08 PM on February 1, 2012
Cupcake, I would be really pissed if a person wasn't up front about their situation from the very first.
Tell them before the first date, or at the start of the first date. Anything else is just sleezy.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:11 PM on February 1, 2012
Tell them before the first date, or at the start of the first date. Anything else is just sleezy.
posted by BlueHorse at 9:11 PM on February 1, 2012
Another point as to why you tell them now, is you never know what will happen. I know at least two couples who when they split, announced that the divorce was going to be amicable and quick, likely just the mere 1-year separation time required by the province. One of those cases quickly changed with one spouse trying to get the other's inheritence dragging into a 3 year legal battle, while the other situation also turn acrimonious, apparently from no one having money/property and there being three kids ... I'm not sure if they ever actuallly got divorced or just stayed separated, but if they did divorce it was at least after the two year point.
You can call your marriage a "legal technicality," when talking about it if you want to downplay it's weight. But it needs to be said, because until that divorce is finalized you really don't know what's going to happen.
Case in point, your wife lives in a no-wait state - has she filed for divorce within a few days of moving there, and if not, why not? You didn't say anything about her having filed for divorce yet.
posted by nobeagle at 6:25 AM on February 2, 2012
You can call your marriage a "legal technicality," when talking about it if you want to downplay it's weight. But it needs to be said, because until that divorce is finalized you really don't know what's going to happen.
Case in point, your wife lives in a no-wait state - has she filed for divorce within a few days of moving there, and if not, why not? You didn't say anything about her having filed for divorce yet.
posted by nobeagle at 6:25 AM on February 2, 2012
From a practical point of view, there is a large class of women who would be okay knowing that you were going through a divorce, especially if your wife lives out of state and you have a clear timeline of the dissolution of the marriage (though nobeagle's point is important as well,) but would be totally put off by finding out about your marital state "too late" -- which for each woman might be at a different point, but "before the first date" is normal, and "before physical intimacy" is probably the outer bounds of normal (in a statistical and not a prescriptive sense.)
In the second place -- when you talk about women being "scared off", the language you're using is disrespectful, and suggests that your mental model of what's going on with women who do not want to date married men is flawed. "Scared off" implies an emotionally impulsive choice, or one based on incomplete information and a flawed understanding of the situation. You'll have a better mental model of the situation if you accept that "no married men" is a legitimate, complete choice which many people make, and that you will be better off in the long run (and in the short run) if you do what you can to make sure that you're only dating people for whom the basic facts about your life are not deal-breakers. Because, yes, you're wasting your date's time (and emotional energy) if she won't date married men -- but if you keep doing this, the person whose time you're wasting the most of is yourself.
posted by endless_forms at 7:56 AM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
In the second place -- when you talk about women being "scared off", the language you're using is disrespectful, and suggests that your mental model of what's going on with women who do not want to date married men is flawed. "Scared off" implies an emotionally impulsive choice, or one based on incomplete information and a flawed understanding of the situation. You'll have a better mental model of the situation if you accept that "no married men" is a legitimate, complete choice which many people make, and that you will be better off in the long run (and in the short run) if you do what you can to make sure that you're only dating people for whom the basic facts about your life are not deal-breakers. Because, yes, you're wasting your date's time (and emotional energy) if she won't date married men -- but if you keep doing this, the person whose time you're wasting the most of is yourself.
posted by endless_forms at 7:56 AM on February 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
I'm part of that large class of women. I won't have an affair with a married guy who's looking to cheat on his wife. I'll happily date a guy whose wife has moved to California and is living with a guy named Ron.
Just state that you're separated, awaiting a divorce, in your dating profile. If you're not living with or near your wife, the "dating a married man" issue becomes much less of one, in my book.
posted by jrochest at 11:09 AM on February 2, 2012
Just state that you're separated, awaiting a divorce, in your dating profile. If you're not living with or near your wife, the "dating a married man" issue becomes much less of one, in my book.
posted by jrochest at 11:09 AM on February 2, 2012
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"Too early?" What do you mean, "too early"? You're still technically married to someone. That's right at the top of the "need to know" list. Even once the divorce is finalized, you have no idea what the final decree is going to look like or what's going to happen, drama-wise, before and after it is issued.
Maybe you're comfortable with what you're doing, but that does not at all mean that anyone else is. Holding yourself out as single and unattached when you aren't is straight-up deceitful. People have a right to know what they're getting into with you.
posted by valkyryn at 5:54 AM on February 1, 2012 [61 favorites]