Am I crazy for feeling this way?
January 31, 2012 12:20 PM   Subscribe

Are we incompatible and am I overreacting?

I have been with my boyfriend for about eight months but we’re long distance, so I guess it counts for less since we can only see each other every couple of months.

He has always told me he’s very serious about me, he tells me constantly that he loves me, says he wants to live with me when we are together in the same city, which will hopefully be over the summer. I also love him dearly, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and can’t imagine being without him. But a conversation we had recently is bothering me and I can’t tell if I’m being unreasonable.

He is in his mid twenties and this is his first real relationship because he says he couldn’t find a girl he wanted to commit to a relationship with in the past. He’s had a number of flings, though. I am almost thirty. At the beginning of our relationship in the new love haze he was always, like every day, telling me he wanted to spend his life with me and even talked about marriage. I didn’t prompt any of this.

Then a few months in he decided that we needed to slow down and he stopped talking about a future with me. A couple months later he started up again, talked about our future house together, alluded to us growing old together, that sort of thing. Recently in a moment of happiness I blurted out that I wanted to be with him forever and it was obvious by his response that he was uncomfortable. I feel bad about saying it but I feel worse about the conversation that followed. He clarified that he’s serious about me relative to how serious he’s been about anyone else which is not at all (with other people). When he blurted out in the past that he was extremely serious about me I always took it at face value and I didn’t realize he meant in relative terms. Here’s the part that gets to me: he said that he doesn’t even think of our relationship as necessarily a precursor to anything permanent. Not that he thinks it definitely wouldn’t be but that he just isn’t even thinking in those terms at all, at least -- I’m hoping -- at this point. He said that he never thought he wanted to get married, and I’m the only girl it’s even come up as a question mark.

Of course I don’t need a commitment from him any time soon, but I do want to find somebody to spend my life with eventually and I’m worried that this is a dead end. I don’t know if I want kids but I want to at least keep the option open and I’m afraid of losing that chance by staying with someone who is unlikely to ever commit to me long term.

I’m confused by the fact that he says stuff on a regular basis like I’m the love of his life and yet says he doesn’t think about a future with me. I guess I feel a little led on.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just never mention it again and hope for the best? Obviously I don’t want to pressure him more and I think bringing it up again would push him away farther, but I’ve been so anxious because of this. I still love him just as intensely but I can’t seem to feel all in anymore since this conversation. I’m afraid of getting too attached.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (36 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
"At the beginning of our relationship in the new love haze he was always, like every day, telling me he wanted to spend his life with me"

Normally if someone has told you they want to spend their life with you, they would be OVERJOYED if you told them you "wanted to be with him forever." You should NOT feel guilty about saying that at all.

Although it's okay for someone to be commitment-phobic for a while in a relationship, the fact that he use to say stuff like that and then gets upset if you say something similar is a red flag, I'd think.

Now's a good time to flush out your feelings with him on this, because it seems he's being a bit unreasonable. If he doesn't react well to you sharing your thoughts, another bad sign. Take a break from him, either he's no good for you and you should get over him or the break will serve as his 'wake-up call' that he does want you for the longish run.
posted by saraindc at 12:29 PM on January 31, 2012 [6 favorites]

This sounds like a waste of your time. It sounds like you've only seen him, what, four or five times? Seeing each other every couple of months is not a good precursor to spending the rest of your lives together. It's just not a foundation for a relationship. When you couple that with the fact that he's extremely wishy-washy and noncommittal, it really seems like you should move on and find someone closer to home. Like, in your own city.
posted by jayder at 12:29 PM on January 31, 2012 [15 favorites]

You won't ever really know till you're not long distance. But actually, he sounds a tad immature and it looks like he's frequently manipulating the power dynamic away from you.

If you're not going to cease the distance part soon...consider that your fertility is important enough to push it. You may not have a ton of time to dilly dally.
posted by taff at 12:30 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

What they said above... every few months on an 8 month relationship...? What?

I also love him dearly, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and can’t imagine being without him.

You need to stop thinking in these terms.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:31 PM on January 31, 2012 [15 favorites]

He sounds like he's immature or perhaps just isn't someone with a lot of integrity, like he says whatever he feels like saying in the heat of the moment but then feels entitled to retract his word. You, on the other hand, are ready to commit and to stand by that commitment.

I wouldn't recommend that you hang around waiting for this guy to step up. Or, if you want to give it some time, set a time limit for how long he gets to waffle. I'd suggest a year from the time you two first got involved. He should know what he wants by then.
posted by orange swan at 12:31 PM on January 31, 2012 [3 favorites]

I know exactly what the problem is -- the guy's in his mid-20's, and as a result he has no idea what he wants.

This doesn't mean that he's insincere when he says that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you -- it means that he means it in that moment. But later on, he realizes, "wait, shit, I don't know." This is not his fault (not really), nor is it your fault. It's the fault of him being only in his mid-20's.

Now, this is not to say that people in their mid-20's can't decide that settling down IS what they want -- but they need to put some real thought into it first as a separate concept, rather than letting themselves get swept up in someone. And I have a hunch his saying you guys should slow down was his realizing that "okay, wait, am I really ready for this yet? I gotta think about it."

And for your part -- you are also only 30. You don't need a commitment from him immediately, but even if you back off for a year you'll still have PLENTY of time to have what you want if things ultimately don't come to fruition with this one particular guy.

Take deep breaths and let things settle for a year or so. You are in different places -- both emotionally and geographically -- and you need to know more before you agree to commit to something, and it's okay to leave things nebulous for now. I know it's scary and confusing, but you will both find your way to the best outcome, even if your outcome is separate from his.

Good luck.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:33 PM on January 31, 2012 [6 favorites]

If you can't talk about your anxieties with him, I see that as a bad sign. Relationships must be about communication, especially ones across long distances.

Talk to him. Tell him you have these fears. Ask him to think about where he wants the relationship to go, take a few days if he needs it. Tell him you need him to give a serious answer. Explain that he's sent you mixed signals in the past and it has left you confused and hurt.
posted by royalsong at 12:33 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]

If you've been together for 8 months but only in person every couple of months, then you've been together...4 times?

I would suggest cooling it on the forever talk until you have a chance to spend more time together. You are both romaticizing the situation BIG TIME.

Unfortunately I have known guys who promise everything on the phone and then run screaming when reality sets in. I hope this guy isn't like that for you, but it happens. It's really easy to dream when the other person is just a voice on the phone.
posted by cabingirl at 12:37 PM on January 31, 2012 [4 favorites]

I know it's hard, but I'd take the judging about who's right and who's wrong out of the equation as much as you can. Compatibility is measured on a separate axis from who did what to whom, with the exception of situations where you're not compatible because you see a particular behavior as acceptable and he sees it as unacceptable. Lack of compatibility is sort of a no-fault thing, if I can say it that way.

As you say, it's a really short relationship given the fact that it's long distance (one of my friends used to talk about how hard it is to figure out how to treat long-distance relationships -- she said, "It's like, 'Er, how much is that in meters?'"). I think it seems like you are definitely in more of a serious place than he is, and you've been taking turns probably acting more certain about the relationship than its status justifies. You do have to think, unfortunately, about how long to stay in casual relationships if you want kids (it's gross that it's unfair like that, but it's true), but that doesn't mean you're at that point right this minute. Right now, I would do absolutely everything you can to pull back from it. Make it more of a "we'll see how it goes" thing, enjoy spending time together, see if you meet anybody else. Nothing kills a relationship quite like putting a ton of pressure on it, so I'd just ... step back. Less time figuring out the relationship, and more time being in it.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 12:43 PM on January 31, 2012

Eight months in and you see each other every couple of months? I think you should just move on, and date locally this time. You could spend as much time with your next boyfriend in just a couple of weeks, and I think reality would be a lot clearer. For better of for worse, I think there's something about LDRs (especially ones that start that way) that's sort of made up, as both people have to fill in the gaps between face time. Actually, I don't think it's an accident that this guy is in a long distance relationship. He doesn't sound like a bad person necessarily, but he sounds self-centered and like he isn't all that serious about anything. I think he likes to fantasize without having to put his money where his mouth is.
posted by crabintheocean at 12:43 PM on January 31, 2012 [3 favorites]

"says he doesn’t think about a future with me" says it all.

At this point of each of your ages, you want different things. That's not wrong or right for each of you, but it is different - and not compatible. Now. Hoping for the best won't change it.
posted by caclwmr4 at 12:49 PM on January 31, 2012

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just never mention it again and hope for the best?

No, you should talk to him like he's a grown-up human being and you're a grown-up human being. If you're actually serious about each other then you should talk about what matters to you and what your hopes, dreams and plans for the future are. If getting married and having kids is an important part of your vision of the future for yourself, he should know that about you--just as you should know what, if anything, he envisions in the future for himself. That's part of getting to know someone well enough for the statement "I love you" to actually be meaningful. Short of that what you're really saying is "I love the person I kinda hope you might be."

None of this is to say that you need to make any commitments at this stage (a bit silly when you see so little of each other). It's to say you should drop the TV sitcom/Hollywood movie "Rules" silliness and just actually get to know each other.
posted by yoink at 12:50 PM on January 31, 2012 [7 favorites]

He is just saying whatever pops into his head, and I doubt he realizes how it is affecting you. Try not to take it seriously when he says he wants to marry you, and let him know that he needs to only say things like that if he means it because it's messing with your head.
posted by chickenmagazine at 12:51 PM on January 31, 2012 [6 favorites]

Should I just never mention it again and hope for the best?

Big flashing letters: THIS IS ALWAYS THE WORST IDEA.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:52 PM on January 31, 2012 [31 favorites]

He's a boy, not a man because he doesn't mean what he says.

What's this you feeling lowsy for saying the same thing to him he's said to you already?? Holy Shit, what an unfair dynamic! You're feelings for him are WONDERFUL. He's just not worthy of your investment any further. Don't undermine yourself for this pretender by questioning your actions or considering stuffing your feelings (and good sense!) away to make him more comfortable. You're in the zone. He's not.

He is not compatible. You can't wait around for him to "grow up" because not standing behind what you express to your partner is more of a character flaw than a maturity issue. You know what to do.
posted by jbenben at 1:00 PM on January 31, 2012 [5 favorites]

You haven't spent a lot of in-person time together. No matter how much you chat online, talk on the phone, Skype, whatever, it is not the same as actual in-person time just spent doing "stuff"; you can know a person's detailed life story and still not really know that person until you've had that time. That's not a relationship thing, in my experience, but a universal law of human physics.

He's young, and the general cultural bias for his gender is to encourage freedom, wildness, "sowing wild oats", "playing the field", y'know, all that spread-the-sperm-to-encourage-survival-of-the-species culturally-reinforced crap - and entirely aside from personal beliefs, that damned general cultural bias tends to be stronger when you're younger than when you're old enough to be cranky and ornery and chase young'uns off your lawn with a broomstick and/or shotgun. You're older, in a different segment of your life (the gap between mid-twenties and thirties can be massive) and subject to contrary general cultural biases and very real biological pressures. I don't think it's that he's leading you on, or that you're being unreasonable - only that, as others have said, you're in two different mindspaces at the moment. Nobody's fault, just a fact.

Is it a deal-breaker? Maybe, maybe not. Seems to me that in face of the distance, and the not-having-in-person-time, and his apparent reticence to consider long-term options at this point, it might be a good idea for you two to discuss maybe taking a step back from "exclusive relationship" to "involved but non-exclusive". This would give you both the space to consider your individual and shared situations, and your options - and to consider what not having the relationship in your life really means. Might help you both find perspective.

Of course, that still doesn't mean you'll come to share the SAME perspective. But it's a start.

But I can't help but feel it'd be a good idea for you two to try to work this out before you are in the same city - especially if one or both of you are moving specifically for the purpose - 'cause if you aren't on the same page by that point, eeeeyeah, that's gonna kinda suck.

Best of luck to you, and I hope that whatever truth you find is worth whatever pain it ends up costing you.
posted by mie at 1:02 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

Of course I don’t need a commitment from him any time soon, but I do want to find somebody to spend my life with eventually and I’m worried that this is a dead end.

For whatever it's worth, I would need a commitment WAY before 8 months. Not a commitment of marriage, but I would need to know that we were on the same page, and it was a page I wanted to be on. Otherwise it would be a waste of my time.

Then a few months in he decided that we needed to slow down and he stopped talking about a future with me. A couple months later he started up again, talked about our future house together, alluded to us growing old together, that sort of thing.

This would make me feel like I could never be secure in planning a future with this guy, because it seems like he'll just say whatever on his whim, and then scold you for not realizing when it was just a passing fantasy and not to be taken seriously. Without actually telling you it's a passing fantasy and not to be taken seriously. I would find this whimsical, meaningless talk about the future to be a waste of my time.

He clarified that he’s serious about me relative to how serious he’s been about anyone else which is not at all (with other people).

He just told you flat out how it is. Believe him.

Should I just never mention it again and hope for the best?

Absolutely, if you want to waste years of your life and then be told, "don't blame me, I never promised you anything" at the end.
posted by cairdeas at 1:02 PM on January 31, 2012 [16 favorites]

You're not necessarily incompatible its just that your expectations for what the relationship is are not aligned.

You sound very attached and he sounds casual - if this is his first serious relationship then he's working out how to navigate that for the first time. He may decide to get more serious and likewise there's always the possibility your attachment will become less intense.

But at the moment you're serious, he's casual. If you want him to be serious I think you'll be waiting a while.
posted by mleigh at 1:09 PM on January 31, 2012

I also love him dearly, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and can’t imagine being without him.

This also stood out to me--correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you haven't had a ton of face-to-face time. I don't doubt that you are feeling this way, but I think you should measure the intensity of your feelings against the amount of time that you two have spent together and consider whether you (and probably he) are being swept up by an idealized vision of each other that you're projecting from your limited interactions. When you're in month 8 of a relationship that is not long distance, the hormones are backing off the mad rush and you've had a chance to see him with bad breath in the morning and the annoying way he's kind of pretentious with waiters and all sorts of things that you miss out on in an LTR. (The way that he interacts with people not-you tells you so much about a person, and it's one of the major things you miss in terms of evaluating a person when your primary contact is private via internet or phone.)

I'd guess that he's also in this phase of being swept away by his imagined-you; it's part of what might make him wax rhapsodic about how wonderful you are and how he's never felt like this and yet also be brought up short by unexpected declarations of the same thing from your end, leading to the backpedaling.

None of this necessarily means he's a bad person or the relationship is doomed, but if you do have the sense that you're being pulled into the fantasy of the relationship rather than the actual relationship, I think you owe it to yourself to step back and cool things down until you're no longer LTR. If you don't have any concrete plans to end up in the same place at this point, I think that points even more strongly to the fact that the two of you have been involved in a relationship that is more about the fantasy of each other than the reality, and it's time to really step back.
posted by iminurmefi at 1:15 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]

This is kind of weird. I can definitely see how if he was excited about you at first (liked you more than any of his flings), he might have moved faster than he intended. I know I said a lot of things I didn't mean in my first "real" relationship. On the other hand, that's when I was 16. If he's just going through the "oh, wait" stage now, it's probably going to take him a long time to want to settle down-- and sometimes that process means wishing you could date around some more.

What really makes me feel for you is that when he was being over the top you rolled with it, but now that you're telling him how you actually feel, he's getting all awkward and hurting your feelings. I've been in this dynamic a thousand times, and it sucks dating someone who doesn't know how to express their concerns AND respect the strength of your feelings at the same time.
posted by stoneandstar at 1:16 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

Couple of points to note-
1. He is a 25 yr old guy.
2. (Normally, I would not mention this but..) He is a 25 yr old guy in his FIRST relationship.
3. You are older, more mature, and seem to know what you want vs the 25 yr old man who doesn't.*
4. The way he talks and the way he reacts to you saying the same things are inconsistent.*

*3 and 4 could be a result of 1 and/or 2.

Is he a waste of time? How much time do you need? Again, you do seem like someone who knows what they want and what they are not sure about whether they want it or not. The latter is the kind of things you take a calculated risk for, not the former. Certainly not where you seem to be at, at this point in your life.

You'd probably be better off dating an older guy, maybe thirties (?), who would (hopefully) know better what he wants from the relationship.
posted by xm at 1:17 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]

It sounds to me that you guys are projecting a lot of things that you the other person to be onto each other. This is easy when you aren't together that much.

I assume that sometimes, somewhere, couples meet and fall in love and almost immediately start saying things like, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," and then get married and actually happily spend the rest of their lives together. Mostly, though, they don't.
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 1:34 PM on January 31, 2012 [3 favorites]

*that you want the other person to be
posted by dixiecupdrinking at 1:34 PM on January 31, 2012

How many times have you actually been in each others presence?
posted by dgeiser13 at 1:48 PM on January 31, 2012

You're in very different places. I'd break it off.
posted by ead at 1:49 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

I also love him dearly, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and can’t imagine being without him.

It's been a long-distance relationship since the beginning, and you've only spent a small fraction of the past 8 months actually in the same geographical area as him? You don't have to imagine being without him. You are already without him, and filling in the blank parts with a whole lot of hoping and occasionally pretending.

His own tone is wildly vacillating, which indicates not only that he's not sure what he wants, but that what he says may not even reflect what he's really feeling at the time. You are stringing along a whole lot of projected hopeful ideals of what he *could* be as a relationship partner, and it's a pretty unfavorable bet if he'll come remotely close to fitting the bill when you actually do spend a longer period of time together. Save yourself the agony and pull the cord on this one - it's time to bail out.
posted by FatherDagon at 2:15 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]

I also love him dearly, more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and can’t imagine being without him.

This is romantic language that sounds like it's a good reflection of the intensity of what you're feeling, but it's actually hyperbole that functions to paralyze you. (I've had three LDRs in my life, by the way, the longest one lasting 3 years while we saw each other ever 4-6 weeks. Our dynamic of INSTANT INTENSITY WE WILL BE TOGETHER FOREVER was also followed by a long, anxiety-provoking, "oh, I don't know that I really want to think about my future but you are still my dream woman" withdrawal on his part, too.)

You've been together 8 months, and it sounds like you've been face-to-face less than 6 or 8 times. The fact of the matter is, you spend the vast majority of your life without him as it is. You get up and get ready for work without him, you go to the gym without him, you make dinner without him, you go to a movie with your friends without him. If you guys break up, your daily life will be almost identical: one of you won't be moving out, you won't have to avoid going to the same restaurants or cafes or book stores or clubs because he'll be there, you won't run into him while you're out jogging, your friends won't have to choose whether or not to stay friends with him, you won't suddenly be making dinner by yourself when it's been your shared nightly ritual for all this time.

What would be gone is the time and energy you two spend communicating in your absense, and -- crucially, because if you're like me, this is what seems scariest to let go of -- the dream/fantasy of Being Together For Real that you most likely are mentally occupied with during the times you're not communicating. And that's heady stuff, but it doesn't mean that this is a relationship with really deep roots in your life. If you guys broke up tomorrow, how much would really change in your day-to-day life?

tl;dr: you can imagine your life without him. It just hurts right now to do it.
posted by scody at 2:25 PM on January 31, 2012 [6 favorites]

This is not his fault (not really), nor is it your fault. It's the fault of him being only in his mid-20's.

I disagree with this. My own boyfriend is 25, while I'm 30, and he's never vacillated like this or acted in such an immature, hurtful way. There are men of 25 or so who have lots of integrity and wouldn't treat you like this-- just not the one you're dating. In fact, there's no guarantee this person won't be acting the same way when he's *35*. So don't wait around hoping for him to grow up. 'Cause maybe he never will.
posted by devymetal at 3:47 PM on January 31, 2012 [9 favorites]

He sounds quite immature, and I don't necessarily mean that as a criticism, just an observation. It sounds like he is playing at being in a relationship, more than actually being in one, and trying out lines and emotions for size, which is all well and good, but *you're* there too, in this relationship thing. It's very possible, as others have noted, that you are both a little in love with the idea of being in love more than really engaging with one another. Mr Thylacinthine and I were long distance for ages too, and those relationships can be very exciting, and curiously satisfying (if you are someone who likes to be alone a lot, like me) but if you intend to not always be long distance, some of these things you are having reasonable issues with might be more problematic. It's understandable perhaps that he is so clumsy with your feelings, but it's no fun feeling like someone's practice girlfriend.
posted by thylacinthine at 4:12 PM on January 31, 2012

When I read, "Then a few months in he decided that we needed to slow down and he stopped talking about a future with me," my reaction was, "HE MET SOMEONE ELSE, HE MET SOMEONE ELSE." Then when I read, "A couple months later he started up again," I thought, "Because it didn't work out." Take that with a grain of salt unless it makes sense to you, but his wishy-washy behavior combined with that information and his age rings a bell with me.

"Obviously I don’t want to pressure him more and I think bringing it up again would push him away farther"

I have a friend who is dating a guy with whom she is afraid to talk to about stuff like this. And I always think, "What the hell? Why would you SETTLE for that?" It seems like you should date someone who wants to know what you think. Who would RELISH knowing what you think. If you're scared you're going to push them away just by talking about things that matter to you, that can't be fun. It's supposed to be fun, right?
posted by amodelcitizen at 4:32 PM on January 31, 2012 [4 favorites]

Also, I wouldn't spend a minute waiting on a man. Don't be someone's option. Think more of yourself. I dare you.
posted by amodelcitizen at 4:39 PM on January 31, 2012 [2 favorites]

Hmm. I'm gonna come at this from a slightly different angle, since I'm currently in a LDR and am a bit biased. My relationship differs from yours in several key ways--we've been together for a few months less than you and your boyfriend but have managed to see each other more often, and we're the same age (younger.)

One of the best things about my relationship is that we are very much in the same place in life and on the same page as far as I-don't-know-if-this-means-forever-but-it's-so-wonderful-I-want-to-see-where-it-goes. Neither of us want to move in together yet--too big of a step for both of us--but we do want to see what it's like being in the same place and so have plans to do so for a few months this summer. Our "plan" is to see what happens when we're geographically close and take it from there.

I'm telling you all this not to derail your thread and talk about my relationship, but because it sounds like you and your boyfriend could benefit from doing something similar. So many things can be misconstrued on the phone, especially if your guy is anything like mine and isn't a very enthusiastic phone talker (he tries for me, though, hehe) and talking on the phone is very different from talking in person. I vote for not giving up on the relationship immediately but to take a step back, stop thinking in terms of "FOREVER!" and start thinking "Hmm...maybe forever? Let's find out." Get closer geographically, but don't live together right away. See how things go.
posted by Emms at 4:44 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think he's already basically told you what you need to know - this is his first relationship, and while he (may) feel strongly about you, he isn't where you are emotionally and isn't thinking how you are mentally -- no matter what he says. It sounds to me like he's just taking it day by day and you're jumping ahead to the future -- you are both infatuated with each other, but you hear potential promises where he thinks he's saying this is how he (may) feel right now.

So what do you do? I don't know, but I would at least back off of the "forever" talk on both sides until you've been around each other enough to understand what that means - and whether you both mean the same thing.

However, my personal experience and observation has been that intense relationships that are born and grow in a vacuum tend to die in one, as well.
posted by sm1tten at 5:26 PM on January 31, 2012

I'm also in an LDR where we both have similar outlooks to Emms, and we have the exact same plan! I'm lucky in that it's not impossible for me to spend a few months in his city this summer, maybe you could work out something similar? I agree, you can never tell long distance how things will pan out and I've had some issues crop up in mine that seem purely related to the distance, and disappear the instant I am with him again.

On the other hand, I agree you should be able to talk about what you feel and what you want. I had spent the entirety of my dating life (although I am still quite young) in relationships where I couldn't/wouldn't say what I thought or wanted for fear of scaring the guy away, and it continually amazes me how my boyfriend reacts to me when I bring up something I was more or less trained to hide in the past.

So yes, you should be able to talk about how you feel. That seems like a not very good sign to me.
posted by queens86 at 5:29 PM on January 31, 2012

Anyone who acts like you're being inappropriate when you say things to them that they have said to you is being a jerk when they do that. Perhaps out of inadvertent rudeness, perhaps because they're actively trying to make you feel bad. You know better than we do which one applies here.
posted by Sidhedevil at 5:40 PM on January 31, 2012 [4 favorites]

Let's take a little trip down my memory lane: Oh, look there is that "cool" "rock musician" guy I was dating way back when. Do you hear the drifting sounds of whatever pleasant indie band we were listening to? I was so nervous and excited when *two weeks* into dating me, he said "I love you." Now, continue with me as we pass by a montage of him saying things like "I want to be with you forever." Oh that first summer! And then let's pause: I'm at the kitchen table, we're about to kiss, and I say "I think I want to be with you forever too!"

He pulls away and says in harsh tone, "I think you're reading into what I've said a little too much."

That was my first taste of what's called "future-faking" -- people do it to press fast forward on the relationship emotionally when your relationship isn't actually ready for that yet. It's manipulative and it should be a red flag.

That guy I dated? I didn't see the big red waving flag - so I went through a lot more. Like, he fake-planned for us to move in together and then acted like we had never talked about it before when I mentioned it on a subway ride a little later. He honestly just gave me a blank look like I made it up.

And, ha ha, how could I forget? After he did some universally-accepted-as-shitty things for a boyfriend to do (you know, scoring a 10 out 10 on the "he did what?!" scale... just mix together lying, my mom in the hospital, yelling at me in public, breaking into my house), he broke up with me in the lamest manner. And THEN two months later, he wrote me a letter begging me to take him back and it was full of (you guessed it) future-faking: "We'll build a life together" "I only want to be with you for the rest of my life" blah blah blah. I politely refused and he caused a couple scenes in public to make me feel uncomfortable. The end.

Bottom-line: your situation is different, but this guy sounds like he's messing with your head. Who needs that? This is my second time suggesting Baggage Reclaim in a week. Go look through the list of posts and see what you recognize in your relationship. Good luck!
posted by pinetree at 5:45 AM on February 1, 2012 [13 favorites]

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