Call, text? How do you let someone down after a couple of great dates?
January 30, 2012 12:57 PM Subscribe
Went on a couple of really good dates with a girl from an online dating site, resulted in some minor making out. Now I have to end it for reasons outside of those dates. Should I call her to tell her? Text? In person? Details inside...
I met this girl on a popular online dating site. We are both in our early/mid twenties. We only went on two dates, but they both ended well with the expectation of seeing each other again. Last time we spent 8 hours or more together and ended the night making out.
Now I find out a girl from my past is moving to my city, based on our history I think I need to stop seeing online girl because I know I am heading for a big mess. I don't know if I am actually going to be in a relationship with this other girl, but we have been close friends for a long time with a romantic history and last left off basically saying "if only we lived in the same place we would be in a relationship." Obviously I am going to see her a lot once she gets here and I am pretty sure something will happen with her, so it doesn't seem fair to keep seeing online girl.
What is the appropriate way to let her down? My close friend who I rely on for advice on these matters (who is female) says I have to call her, but she is older (40's) and I am not sure if this is actually appropriate for our level of contact and the fact that we met online.
We have never talked on the phone before and I feel like calling her would make it a bigger deal than it has to be. For someone of my generation I think talking on the phone seems intimate and I don't know if it is actually better to seemingly escalate our relationship by calling her only to immediately let her down. Perhaps it would be better to just spell it all out in a text message that she can choose to respond to on her own time rather than putting her on the spot on the phone and sounding presumptuous?
Ideally I would like to make this a clean amicable break without looking like too much of a jerk, obviously she isn't going to be that happy with me either way.
Thanks!
I met this girl on a popular online dating site. We are both in our early/mid twenties. We only went on two dates, but they both ended well with the expectation of seeing each other again. Last time we spent 8 hours or more together and ended the night making out.
Now I find out a girl from my past is moving to my city, based on our history I think I need to stop seeing online girl because I know I am heading for a big mess. I don't know if I am actually going to be in a relationship with this other girl, but we have been close friends for a long time with a romantic history and last left off basically saying "if only we lived in the same place we would be in a relationship." Obviously I am going to see her a lot once she gets here and I am pretty sure something will happen with her, so it doesn't seem fair to keep seeing online girl.
What is the appropriate way to let her down? My close friend who I rely on for advice on these matters (who is female) says I have to call her, but she is older (40's) and I am not sure if this is actually appropriate for our level of contact and the fact that we met online.
We have never talked on the phone before and I feel like calling her would make it a bigger deal than it has to be. For someone of my generation I think talking on the phone seems intimate and I don't know if it is actually better to seemingly escalate our relationship by calling her only to immediately let her down. Perhaps it would be better to just spell it all out in a text message that she can choose to respond to on her own time rather than putting her on the spot on the phone and sounding presumptuous?
Ideally I would like to make this a clean amicable break without looking like too much of a jerk, obviously she isn't going to be that happy with me either way.
Thanks!
If you normally communicate by text or email then I think that is just fine. I would actually say you should let her know why you are cutting things off. That way she doesn't spend time second guessing herself and obsessing about what she did wrong. Just let her know someone from your past has unexpectedly come back into your life, and you don't know if anything will happen, but you don't want to take the chance of hurting New Girl. Let her know she didn't do anything wrong and you thought the dates you went on were great.
posted by cairdeas at 1:02 PM on January 30, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 1:02 PM on January 30, 2012 [13 favorites]
I know it's gonna be awkward, but you should probably call her or see her in person. Yeah, you only went on two dates, but you did make out and I think you owe it to her to at least talk it out if that's what she wants to do. If she doesn't, it might be weird, but personally I think your friend gave you good advice.
(And, I just have to say.. what if things don't work out with the girl moving to your city? Are you going to regret breaking it off with this one?)
posted by pintapicasso at 1:03 PM on January 30, 2012 [11 favorites]
(And, I just have to say.. what if things don't work out with the girl moving to your city? Are you going to regret breaking it off with this one?)
posted by pintapicasso at 1:03 PM on January 30, 2012 [11 favorites]
Date them both.
You owe no one anything but honesty and to keep your promises. What you've said to the old flame is not a promise to date her. Old flame could be dating someone, decided she's not into guys/girls anymore, whatever. If it starts going far with Old Flame, OK, end it with Makeout Girl, but I wouldn't make a huge deal of it until you know more for certain.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:04 PM on January 30, 2012 [41 favorites]
You owe no one anything but honesty and to keep your promises. What you've said to the old flame is not a promise to date her. Old flame could be dating someone, decided she's not into guys/girls anymore, whatever. If it starts going far with Old Flame, OK, end it with Makeout Girl, but I wouldn't make a huge deal of it until you know more for certain.
posted by Ironmouth at 1:04 PM on January 30, 2012 [41 favorites]
A phone call for sure, if not in person (stopping by on short notice). If you made out or were intimate in any way, it's stone-cold to do this over email or, heaven forbid, text.
posted by mochapickle at 1:05 PM on January 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by mochapickle at 1:05 PM on January 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
If not looking like a jerk is your goal, do not text her this information.
posted by BurntHombre at 1:06 PM on January 30, 2012 [11 favorites]
posted by BurntHombre at 1:06 PM on January 30, 2012 [11 favorites]
I think if you've never had phone contact, that it's acceptable to communicate a message like this via e-mail (or via a message on the dating website, if you don't have her "real" e-mail.) Text message is most emphatically not the way to go about this, though; too little space to convey the nuance & regret of the situation.
Also, as noted above, I would caution against putting too many of your eggs in the Old Flame basket. You can date them both and feel out the situation without it being unethical; you just have to be honest about the situation with both of them.
posted by Johnny Assay at 1:08 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
Also, as noted above, I would caution against putting too many of your eggs in the Old Flame basket. You can date them both and feel out the situation without it being unethical; you just have to be honest about the situation with both of them.
posted by Johnny Assay at 1:08 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
Personally, I agree with you about calling her -- although I HATE the phone -- but I think a text seems REALLY brusque. I'm older than you (35), but I feel like this is what email is for. You're not putting her on the spot on the phone (if a guy I went out with twice and never slept with called to tell me he wasn't interested anymore, I would be taken aback, personally -- two dates doesn't a relationship make, especially when you met online), but nor is this something you could conceivably have done while also, like, waiting in line at Starbucks. But maybe you kids today don't email either (in which case, get off my lawn!). I would really NOT want to get this news on the phone if I were her, though -- email is so much less awkward, for both of you, in my book.
A LOT of people would just never contact her again, but I'd just shoot her an email and be like, "you're awesome, but I'm getting back together with my ex." She may not believe this, btw, as it is a time-honored excuse for breaking up with someone, but it is a nice way of letting her know it's not because she isn't great, too.
That being said, what if Old Flame comes back and the thrill is gone? Maybe don't throw the baby out with the bathwater yet.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 1:08 PM on January 30, 2012 [6 favorites]
A LOT of people would just never contact her again, but I'd just shoot her an email and be like, "you're awesome, but I'm getting back together with my ex." She may not believe this, btw, as it is a time-honored excuse for breaking up with someone, but it is a nice way of letting her know it's not because she isn't great, too.
That being said, what if Old Flame comes back and the thrill is gone? Maybe don't throw the baby out with the bathwater yet.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 1:08 PM on January 30, 2012 [6 favorites]
I don't really agree that doing it over e-mail is cold to do if you made out. I don't think "making out" amounts to much commitment or investment these days.
last left off basically saying "if only we lived in the same place we would be in a relationship."
I know this is not your question, but I thought I would add these two cents -- it seems a bit premature to terminate things with this girl just because the girl from your past is moving back. It sounds like you're not sure where things stand with the girl from your past. So, why not keep the options with the new girl open? She sounds like someone promising, so why abort it until you absolutely have to?
posted by jayder at 1:10 PM on January 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
last left off basically saying "if only we lived in the same place we would be in a relationship."
I know this is not your question, but I thought I would add these two cents -- it seems a bit premature to terminate things with this girl just because the girl from your past is moving back. It sounds like you're not sure where things stand with the girl from your past. So, why not keep the options with the new girl open? She sounds like someone promising, so why abort it until you absolutely have to?
posted by jayder at 1:10 PM on January 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
Okay, so Johnny Assay, Countess Sandwich, and I are all thinking the same thing -- don't brush off the new girl yet.
posted by jayder at 1:12 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by jayder at 1:12 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
For the couple of guys who took the trouble to call me and tell me in honest terms why they didn't want to continue dating (too long of a distance,etc), the amount that I might have been hurt was enormously mitigated. It was classy and mature, even though we were early twenties. I still respect them for handling the situation with sensitivity towards my feelings, and had circumstances been different, I would have considered dating them again. So, yeah, give her a call. You never know, things with the ex might not work out, and if the new girl would consider picking things up again in the future, she will appreciate knowing that you got the ex out of your system.
posted by vignettist at 1:19 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by vignettist at 1:19 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
Another vote for "pursue in parallel". No need to kill something that may be promising for something that may not even exist. Finding someone interesting online is hard... embrace it... until you can't.
posted by milqman at 1:20 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by milqman at 1:20 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
Meet for coffee after work, or call her. Jane, I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but I just found out a previous girlfriend is moving here, and I'm pretty sure things are going to be complicated. I hope we can continue to get together, but I wanted you to know.
posted by theora55 at 1:26 PM on January 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by theora55 at 1:26 PM on January 30, 2012 [3 favorites]
Yeah, talking on the phone or face to face about this kinda thing can be intimate. Spending 8 hours together and making out is also intimate. That horse has bolted.
People deserve common decency when it comes to this kind of thing. Your age is irrelevant (unless you're like 13 years old). Call her, or even better, meet her for a coffee and tell her.
[and yeah, on preview, why do you have to break it off with New Girl at this stage. Are you really sure it's gonna happen the way you think with "Old Girl"?]
posted by Diag at 1:26 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
People deserve common decency when it comes to this kind of thing. Your age is irrelevant (unless you're like 13 years old). Call her, or even better, meet her for a coffee and tell her.
[and yeah, on preview, why do you have to break it off with New Girl at this stage. Are you really sure it's gonna happen the way you think with "Old Girl"?]
posted by Diag at 1:26 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
Hi, I actually once WAS the girl you met in an online dating site (okay, not literally, but I also dated someone a couple times and there was making out but then he let me go because he "had a chance with someone he'd been close to for a while and didn't think he had a chance yet and wanted to pursue it").
Nthing the advice to not necessarily cut things off until you know definitively something's going to happen with your old crush. But if and when you do cut things off with the new girl, and it's still early, a sincere email would be okay if you haven't ever done things by phone and phone feels weird; that's what the guy did in my case, and I didn't feel any more blown off as a result.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:31 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
Nthing the advice to not necessarily cut things off until you know definitively something's going to happen with your old crush. But if and when you do cut things off with the new girl, and it's still early, a sincere email would be okay if you haven't ever done things by phone and phone feels weird; that's what the guy did in my case, and I didn't feel any more blown off as a result.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:31 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
FWIW, I think it's really nice of you not to pursue both of them at once. Doing that would be the easy thing to do, and a lot of people do in fact do it. And it leaves a lot of people hurt and feeling like crap, even if they knew going into it that you were seeing other people. I think what you're doing is the nicest thing.
posted by cairdeas at 1:32 PM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 1:32 PM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
Not to mention that if I had gone on a few dates with a guy, made out etc., and then he told me, "oh by the way, someone from my past has come back into my life, so I'd like to be honest about the fact that I'll be dating both of you to see where it goes..." I would probably think to myself, "well good luck with that" and lose all interest.
posted by cairdeas at 1:34 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 1:34 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
Swimming against the tide here, I would remind you to do unto others, etc. Would you want someone else to treat you as a second-best placeholder?
If you want to pursue old flame then the decent, gentlemanly thing to do is end it with the new girl or at least tell her exactly what is going on.
It's not just continuing to date new girl, things may well escalate, will you do that (or decline to do that) knowing in the back of your mind that you may decide to, erm, jump ship?
posted by epo at 1:36 PM on January 30, 2012 [6 favorites]
If you want to pursue old flame then the decent, gentlemanly thing to do is end it with the new girl or at least tell her exactly what is going on.
It's not just continuing to date new girl, things may well escalate, will you do that (or decline to do that) knowing in the back of your mind that you may decide to, erm, jump ship?
posted by epo at 1:36 PM on January 30, 2012 [6 favorites]
First, I would talk to the old friend and make sure she's still interested in exploring a potential relationship.
Then, I would honestly tell the online girl that an old crush is coming back into your life and you want to deal with lingering feelings.
If you like the online girl, I'd do it *in person* and be respectful, explain that you're afraid that you'd end up hurting her if it turns out you aren't over wanting the crush. Aka, do not tell her "I want to explore this relationship instead of what we might have started" because that forever closes the door on any possibility with her, and likely means there will be no potential for friendship even. Make it about knowing that you have those lingering feelings and until you're sure of yourself on that front (either exploring or getting over it) it wouldn't be right to get involved.
and for the love of whatever you believe in, do NOT use the "Its not you its me" line.
posted by myShanon at 1:42 PM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
Then, I would honestly tell the online girl that an old crush is coming back into your life and you want to deal with lingering feelings.
If you like the online girl, I'd do it *in person* and be respectful, explain that you're afraid that you'd end up hurting her if it turns out you aren't over wanting the crush. Aka, do not tell her "I want to explore this relationship instead of what we might have started" because that forever closes the door on any possibility with her, and likely means there will be no potential for friendship even. Make it about knowing that you have those lingering feelings and until you're sure of yourself on that front (either exploring or getting over it) it wouldn't be right to get involved.
and for the love of whatever you believe in, do NOT use the "Its not you its me" line.
posted by myShanon at 1:42 PM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
I've never understood why people suggest doing it in person under these circumstances. You've been on a couple of dates and made out, if you arrange to meet, she would not be unreasonable in thinking it was another date. She might get all dressed up, (and possibly hoping for more than just making out which may involve more extensive preparations if its been a while) just to get dumped. That seems a really sucky thing to do, IMO.
Generally I think calling would be the right thing to do but given that you've never spoken to her on the phone I think you should email her or message her via the dating site.
(I also agree with others that suggest that you might be premature in breaking off this relationship)
posted by missmagenta at 2:07 PM on January 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
Generally I think calling would be the right thing to do but given that you've never spoken to her on the phone I think you should email her or message her via the dating site.
(I also agree with others that suggest that you might be premature in breaking off this relationship)
posted by missmagenta at 2:07 PM on January 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
never, ever break up with someone via text. Ever.
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:35 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 2:35 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
Date them both.
Yeah what the hell? I'm with Ironmouth on this. Since when is there monogamy in testing the waters? Date as many people as you can or want. "Dating" is just a thing you do to have a nice time (hopefully) and see if you're compatible for a longer-term relationship.
But be clear about it. Don't hide it. If you're dating multiple people you need to make that known to the people you are dating.
posted by tumid dahlia at 2:54 PM on January 30, 2012
Yeah what the hell? I'm with Ironmouth on this. Since when is there monogamy in testing the waters? Date as many people as you can or want. "Dating" is just a thing you do to have a nice time (hopefully) and see if you're compatible for a longer-term relationship.
But be clear about it. Don't hide it. If you're dating multiple people you need to make that known to the people you are dating.
posted by tumid dahlia at 2:54 PM on January 30, 2012
@missmagenta Because doing it in person is the right thing to do, or rather the "not a tool" thing to do. There's nothing saying he can't just invite her to coffee and let her know up front that they need to talk.
posted by myShanon at 2:59 PM on January 30, 2012
posted by myShanon at 2:59 PM on January 30, 2012
You don't know the new girl well enough to know whether she might be more awesome than the girl you're ready to throw her over for. So don't do so just yet.
That said, the hierarchy of class in these matters is face-to-face > phone > old-fashioned letter > e-mail > text > changing your facebook relationship status unannounced > going silent.
posted by adamrice at 3:05 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
That said, the hierarchy of class in these matters is face-to-face > phone > old-fashioned letter > e-mail > text > changing your facebook relationship status unannounced > going silent.
posted by adamrice at 3:05 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm really surprised that anyone is suggesting meeting in person. Two dates? Making out?
A polite, respectful email is the way to go. A phone call could also work, but I think an email might be easier for both of you. As a woman in my early/mid-twenties with some online dating experience, I would be supremely weirded out if someone I went on two dates with wanted to meet to break up with me.
And I have to agree with the other posters in wondering if you're giving up on the new girl too easily. Is the Old Flame a sure thing? A twinkle in your eye? And maybe, as adamrice says above, the new girl is more awesome than the girl from your past.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:08 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
A polite, respectful email is the way to go. A phone call could also work, but I think an email might be easier for both of you. As a woman in my early/mid-twenties with some online dating experience, I would be supremely weirded out if someone I went on two dates with wanted to meet to break up with me.
And I have to agree with the other posters in wondering if you're giving up on the new girl too easily. Is the Old Flame a sure thing? A twinkle in your eye? And maybe, as adamrice says above, the new girl is more awesome than the girl from your past.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:08 PM on January 30, 2012 [4 favorites]
I've never understood why people suggest doing it in person under these circumstances.
Agreed. If I'm going to be dumped, why waste my time getting together or calling me (where I have little choice but to respond)?
I'd much, much rather get dumped via a semi-detailed email. I can respond if I want, or just move on. Zero pressure.
There's nothing saying he can't just invite her to coffee and let her know up front that they need to talk.
Wasting my time in order to dump me is more likely to piss me off.
posted by coolguymichael at 3:21 PM on January 30, 2012 [6 favorites]
Agreed. If I'm going to be dumped, why waste my time getting together or calling me (where I have little choice but to respond)?
I'd much, much rather get dumped via a semi-detailed email. I can respond if I want, or just move on. Zero pressure.
There's nothing saying he can't just invite her to coffee and let her know up front that they need to talk.
Wasting my time in order to dump me is more likely to piss me off.
posted by coolguymichael at 3:21 PM on January 30, 2012 [6 favorites]
@missmagenta Because doing it in person is the right thing to do, or rather the "not a tool" thing to do.
I disagree. Making me time out of my day to come meet you just so you can dump me, is IMO totally "a tool" thing to do. Even if its just coffee and you say "we need to talk" that's still time I could be doing something else. If they were meeting regularly and hanging out more casually that would be different but they've been on two dates. TBH if a guy sent me a message inviting me for coffee and saying we needed to talk, after 2 dates, I'd tell him if he's planning on dumping me just to get it over with so I can get on with my life.
posted by missmagenta at 3:22 PM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
I disagree. Making me time out of my day to come meet you just so you can dump me, is IMO totally "a tool" thing to do. Even if its just coffee and you say "we need to talk" that's still time I could be doing something else. If they were meeting regularly and hanging out more casually that would be different but they've been on two dates. TBH if a guy sent me a message inviting me for coffee and saying we needed to talk, after 2 dates, I'd tell him if he's planning on dumping me just to get it over with so I can get on with my life.
posted by missmagenta at 3:22 PM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
I've been a similar situation. I considered dating them both, but it's too much stress for me. I don't want to date two people. I can hardly handle dating one person. So I called up the second man, without thinking about it too much, and said, "I'm sorry, I've got to tell you, I'm in this situation and I don't want to put you in the middle of it. I want to make sure I'm honest with you." I briefly described the scenario, and reiterated a couple of times that I was genuinely breaking it off before it even started because I didn't want to get us all into a big mess. I kept it conversational. It wasn't a huge deal.
He said he was disappointed but thanked me for telling him. I was really glad I handled it that way because it was a difficult thing for me to do, and I didn't take the easy way out, so I can be proud of that. It also gets it over with right away so you don't have to wait and wonder if/when they read your e-mail.
As for her comfort level, I'm not sure. All I can say is if the shoe were on the other foot, I would not be offended or put off by a phone call. I would appreciate the fact that he was willing to be uncomfortable for five minutes to deliver some potentially awkward news.
I think an e-mail is okay, too.
posted by amodelcitizen at 3:28 PM on January 30, 2012
He said he was disappointed but thanked me for telling him. I was really glad I handled it that way because it was a difficult thing for me to do, and I didn't take the easy way out, so I can be proud of that. It also gets it over with right away so you don't have to wait and wonder if/when they read your e-mail.
As for her comfort level, I'm not sure. All I can say is if the shoe were on the other foot, I would not be offended or put off by a phone call. I would appreciate the fact that he was willing to be uncomfortable for five minutes to deliver some potentially awkward news.
I think an e-mail is okay, too.
posted by amodelcitizen at 3:28 PM on January 30, 2012
*shrug* Personally, I'd rather have a sit down talk about it.. but then, I'm one of those who thinks that communication is the end all be all of everything, and I always want to talk things out and understand the "why" of things... if I were the online girl in this case, knowing that its a "old flame coming to town" and not "you're too lame for me" would make me a lot happier.
I understand there are some who would prefer a blunt "its over" text message or email, but for me something like that would be needlessly cruel... I'm likely to pester the person wanting reasons and explinations and such... they'll get rid of me much faster by meeting up for coffee and spending 30 minutes discussing the situation so that we can part ways on amicable terms.
Of course, I also consider breaking up via text/internet or just "Fading out" to be a coward's move, unless the person you're dumping is an outright psycho or something.
posted by myShanon at 3:35 PM on January 30, 2012
I understand there are some who would prefer a blunt "its over" text message or email, but for me something like that would be needlessly cruel... I'm likely to pester the person wanting reasons and explinations and such... they'll get rid of me much faster by meeting up for coffee and spending 30 minutes discussing the situation so that we can part ways on amicable terms.
Of course, I also consider breaking up via text/internet or just "Fading out" to be a coward's move, unless the person you're dumping is an outright psycho or something.
posted by myShanon at 3:35 PM on January 30, 2012
Personally, I like receiving breakup emails FAR more then phone calls or meet ups.
If you call or meet me to dump me, then my emotional reaction is now on display. Whether it be disappointment, sadness, anger, whatever, I don't particularly like to have to have a "polite smile" in public or "polite tone" on the phone to remain civil and respectful. If you email me, then I am free to be visibly disappointed or cry my heart out (depending on how long the relationship was) without putting on an emotional "show".
Since I usually try to treat others how I would like to be treated, what I would do is write her an email, but also include a line at the end saying something to the effect of "if you want to talk more about this feel free to call me and we can talk or meet up". Give her the option to talk to you or meet her if she wants it. Don't make that possibly painful/awkward decision for her.
posted by Shouraku at 3:35 PM on January 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
If you call or meet me to dump me, then my emotional reaction is now on display. Whether it be disappointment, sadness, anger, whatever, I don't particularly like to have to have a "polite smile" in public or "polite tone" on the phone to remain civil and respectful. If you email me, then I am free to be visibly disappointed or cry my heart out (depending on how long the relationship was) without putting on an emotional "show".
Since I usually try to treat others how I would like to be treated, what I would do is write her an email, but also include a line at the end saying something to the effect of "if you want to talk more about this feel free to call me and we can talk or meet up". Give her the option to talk to you or meet her if she wants it. Don't make that possibly painful/awkward decision for her.
posted by Shouraku at 3:35 PM on January 30, 2012 [5 favorites]
if I were the online girl in this case, knowing that its a "old flame coming to town" and not "you're too lame for me" would make me a lot happier.
...he can explain all that in an email. Just because its not done in person doesn't mean he's has to be cruel, brusque or painfully blunt.
They're in a low-investment/commitment relationship (a lot of people wouldn't even consider 2 dates to qualify as a relationship, especially in the context of online dating where the first date is the first time you've ever met). His reasons pretty straight forward, there's no need for discussion or epic hand-wringing. With online dating its not unusual for a person to be taking things to the second date stage with multiple people simultaneously. For all we know she's seen four other guys already and is trying to decide who get to make it to round 3.
Tell the truth, don't fob her off with a cliche. ("its not you, its me", "we just don't click" etc). Don't leave her wondering what she did wrong or trying to fix a problem that doesn't exist. Oh and don't tell her that if it doesn't work out with the old flame, you'll call her ;)
posted by missmagenta at 4:04 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
...he can explain all that in an email. Just because its not done in person doesn't mean he's has to be cruel, brusque or painfully blunt.
They're in a low-investment/commitment relationship (a lot of people wouldn't even consider 2 dates to qualify as a relationship, especially in the context of online dating where the first date is the first time you've ever met). His reasons pretty straight forward, there's no need for discussion or epic hand-wringing. With online dating its not unusual for a person to be taking things to the second date stage with multiple people simultaneously. For all we know she's seen four other guys already and is trying to decide who get to make it to round 3.
Tell the truth, don't fob her off with a cliche. ("its not you, its me", "we just don't click" etc). Don't leave her wondering what she did wrong or trying to fix a problem that doesn't exist. Oh and don't tell her that if it doesn't work out with the old flame, you'll call her ;)
posted by missmagenta at 4:04 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
I think calling her or ceasing the dating in person is overkill when it's only been two dates and you've never spoken via the phone. I would use whatever method of communication you've been using the entire time, whether it's text or email. Where you met her and her age doesn't really matter - if you've only been on a few dates and you don't really communicate much in between, there's no reason to escalate contact just to say that you're interested in someone else. This isn't a break up, you don't have to treat it like one.
Some people are more comfortable focusing their dating attentions on one person at a time, but I would be wary of throwing away a potential bird in the hand for a potential bird that's moving to town, unless you have something more solid than "if we were in the same place, maybe..." but maybe that's just me.
I'm likely to pester the person wanting reasons and explinations and such
Not to pick on you, but this is exactly why I wouldn't do this, in this circumstance.
posted by sm1tten at 4:14 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
Some people are more comfortable focusing their dating attentions on one person at a time, but I would be wary of throwing away a potential bird in the hand for a potential bird that's moving to town, unless you have something more solid than "if we were in the same place, maybe..." but maybe that's just me.
I'm likely to pester the person wanting reasons and explinations and such
Not to pick on you, but this is exactly why I wouldn't do this, in this circumstance.
posted by sm1tten at 4:14 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
No worries, I don't feel picked on. I've just been unfortunate enough to date several guys who didn't know the meaning of communication, and all that sitting around wondering what I did wrong makes me miserable, so I pick up the phone or send an email asking for an explination. Not showing up on anyone's doorstep, but I do feel that I deserve a reason.
For waht its worth, I'm focusing less on the "only 2 dates" than the fact that there was shared intimacy and, as the OP stated, a mutual expectation of more to come. With those factors in mind, I would expect more than a "yeah, sorry, nevermind" email. I would want to know exactly what changed after that last date. Once I know the situation, I can walk away with no angst... and hell, chances are if I really liked the guy, if he came back saying things didn't work out with the old flame and he'd like to go out again? I'd probably give it another chance (provided I was single, of course).
2 dates isn't serious enough that she's likely to be heartbroken, but the intimacy of the makeouts (calling it making out instead of just kissing implies there was more involved than just mouth to mouth contact...) and being led to believe there was potential for more... I would be upset if he dropped it without an explination, or in some impersonal way.
The fact that they've never talked on the phone is irrelevant... One of my ex's I was in a committed relationship for over a year before I ever spoke to him on the phone, we both preferred texting or face to face conversations.
posted by myShanon at 4:34 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
For waht its worth, I'm focusing less on the "only 2 dates" than the fact that there was shared intimacy and, as the OP stated, a mutual expectation of more to come. With those factors in mind, I would expect more than a "yeah, sorry, nevermind" email. I would want to know exactly what changed after that last date. Once I know the situation, I can walk away with no angst... and hell, chances are if I really liked the guy, if he came back saying things didn't work out with the old flame and he'd like to go out again? I'd probably give it another chance (provided I was single, of course).
2 dates isn't serious enough that she's likely to be heartbroken, but the intimacy of the makeouts (calling it making out instead of just kissing implies there was more involved than just mouth to mouth contact...) and being led to believe there was potential for more... I would be upset if he dropped it without an explination, or in some impersonal way.
The fact that they've never talked on the phone is irrelevant... One of my ex's I was in a committed relationship for over a year before I ever spoke to him on the phone, we both preferred texting or face to face conversations.
posted by myShanon at 4:34 PM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't really see the need to "break up", you're not a couple. You've been on two dates and haven't had sex. If you want to stop seeing her, just let her down gently by phone or e-mail, probably the later since this is not a relationship.
Also, there's really no reason to end it, since you have no idea what's going to come of this other girl. Again, since you have not made a commitment to the on-line woman, there's nothing wrong with you seeing if anything comes of the woman from out of town. That's the point of dating.
posted by spaltavian at 4:44 PM on January 30, 2012
Also, there's really no reason to end it, since you have no idea what's going to come of this other girl. Again, since you have not made a commitment to the on-line woman, there's nothing wrong with you seeing if anything comes of the woman from out of town. That's the point of dating.
posted by spaltavian at 4:44 PM on January 30, 2012
If I was Online Girl, I'd want an email. Ideally, something along the lines of, "You're really fantastic, and you did nothing wrong. I just found out that Old Flame is moving back and I feel like that might create drama." If you would like to keep seeing her as long as she's OK with some uncertainty, tell her so. That might be fine with her.
An ongoing relationship should end face-to-face, but after two dates, I'd rather not be shut down in person, in public. Even if you're not head over heels for someone, it's a bummer. An email would let her decide how and when to respond.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 6:40 PM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
An ongoing relationship should end face-to-face, but after two dates, I'd rather not be shut down in person, in public. Even if you're not head over heels for someone, it's a bummer. An email would let her decide how and when to respond.
posted by Nibbly Fang at 6:40 PM on January 30, 2012 [2 favorites]
Don't meet in person. That means you're basically setting up a third date for the sole purpose of breaking up. Christ, don't do that.
Phone or email is fine. A phone call isn't like this crazy intimate thing that you need to be afraid of. On the other hand, I don't think there's anything wrong with email.
I would probably take it easier if you told me the truth. Instead of just "it's over," "it's over because girl from my past is moving here and I want to give that a shot."
(OP has said they don't want to date both at once. Even if that's not obligatory, it's surely not a bad thing.)
posted by J. Wilson at 6:50 PM on January 30, 2012
Phone or email is fine. A phone call isn't like this crazy intimate thing that you need to be afraid of. On the other hand, I don't think there's anything wrong with email.
I would probably take it easier if you told me the truth. Instead of just "it's over," "it's over because girl from my past is moving here and I want to give that a shot."
(OP has said they don't want to date both at once. Even if that's not obligatory, it's surely not a bad thing.)
posted by J. Wilson at 6:50 PM on January 30, 2012
Girls can spend A LOT of time getting ready for a date... don't ask her out for coffee just to tell her you don't want to see her again.
posted by peppermintfreddo at 2:13 AM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by peppermintfreddo at 2:13 AM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
Offering the additional data point: when the guy I'd been out on a couple dates with cut things off because of his own former flame, I was indeed a little bummed out for a couple days. But the thing that bummed me out was NOT the method he used to cut things off, so email is fine.
Texting feels a little too...impersonal for some reason.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:43 AM on January 31, 2012
Texting feels a little too...impersonal for some reason.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:43 AM on January 31, 2012
Girls can spend A LOT of time getting ready for a date...
And bikini waxes cost money.
posted by endless_forms at 10:10 AM on January 31, 2012
And bikini waxes cost money.
posted by endless_forms at 10:10 AM on January 31, 2012
One of the huge advantages of email is that people aren't forced to come up with a response to something that is emotionally powerful right on the spot. If you see her in person or call to end things, you're forcing her into that spot. I've been in this situation a lot in online dating, and it's always either no further contact (if it's pretty clear the lack of interest was mutual) or a quick email just saying something like, "It's been fun, but it's just not the right time for me right now." She can choose for herself if/how she'd like to respond and she didn't waste any time getting ready to go out and then wind up with you breaking things off instead.
posted by Fuego at 1:53 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Fuego at 1:53 PM on January 31, 2012 [1 favorite]
I like Theora's answer if you want to consider dating both. It's respectful and acknowleges that Online Girl has a choice whether to keep going with you. Email gives her time to think about things which would be missing from a phone call or personal visit.
posted by EatMyHat at 1:59 PM on January 31, 2012
posted by EatMyHat at 1:59 PM on January 31, 2012
Call/meet in person.
Because-
1. You did meet in person to make out. So that courtesy is only for making out? The decency does not extend to "amicably" breaking it off?
2. When you break it off, tell her the reason why. When she knows, it will be much easier for her to walk away from someone who breaks off at the mere chance of an old flame moving to his city. For all you know, she will walk away before you finish the sentence.
3. There are exceptions in the text generation who are courteous and sensitive- learn from them, if you can't set an example yourself.
posted by xm at 2:09 PM on January 31, 2012
Because-
1. You did meet in person to make out. So that courtesy is only for making out? The decency does not extend to "amicably" breaking it off?
2. When you break it off, tell her the reason why. When she knows, it will be much easier for her to walk away from someone who breaks off at the mere chance of an old flame moving to his city. For all you know, she will walk away before you finish the sentence.
3. There are exceptions in the text generation who are courteous and sensitive- learn from them, if you can't set an example yourself.
posted by xm at 2:09 PM on January 31, 2012
I think the "Old Friend" sounds like drama, and New Girl sounds FABULOUS.
I vote you refrain from re-visiting the old drama and stick with the new, fresh relationship that has potential. This would involve "getting over" Old Friend completely and not socializing with her at all when she gets back to town.
From the way you worded this, you seem somehow more enthusiastic about New Girl, and a lot like Old Friend is an obligation. Dude! Obligations like this don't exist! And if you have that weird "On Again, Off Again" history with Old Friend, well, there's a reason it's never worked out and you're not fated to keep trying. There's no such thing as Fate, only Freedom to Choose.
I know the history and such surrounding the situation with Old Friend seems romantic, but it's likely just smoke and distraction, nothing there of real substance to tie your horse to.
-----
You just seem so positive and light about New Girl. I'd hate to see you get drawn back into one of those stupid relationships we've all had that ultimately never go anywhere but waste so much of our time!
YMMV, and all that.
posted by jbenben at 5:17 PM on January 31, 2012
I vote you refrain from re-visiting the old drama and stick with the new, fresh relationship that has potential. This would involve "getting over" Old Friend completely and not socializing with her at all when she gets back to town.
From the way you worded this, you seem somehow more enthusiastic about New Girl, and a lot like Old Friend is an obligation. Dude! Obligations like this don't exist! And if you have that weird "On Again, Off Again" history with Old Friend, well, there's a reason it's never worked out and you're not fated to keep trying. There's no such thing as Fate, only Freedom to Choose.
I know the history and such surrounding the situation with Old Friend seems romantic, but it's likely just smoke and distraction, nothing there of real substance to tie your horse to.
-----
You just seem so positive and light about New Girl. I'd hate to see you get drawn back into one of those stupid relationships we've all had that ultimately never go anywhere but waste so much of our time!
YMMV, and all that.
posted by jbenben at 5:17 PM on January 31, 2012
There are exceptions in the text generation who are courteous and sensitive- learn from them, if you can't set an example yourself.
I'm not sure that calling or meeting in person is the sensitive or courteous thing to do, as a member of the "text generation," but thanks for the etiquette lesson!
Hey OP, as I'm sure you can see, there's a pretty wide range of responses to this question, and as long as you try to get it right, that's as much as anyone can hope for. I'd look more closely at the answers that reference your demographic points (online dating, twenties), but don't feel like you're an entitled millenial (as xm suggested) if you choose to email. Which is what I would do. But really, man, it's up to you.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:02 PM on January 31, 2012
I'm not sure that calling or meeting in person is the sensitive or courteous thing to do, as a member of the "text generation," but thanks for the etiquette lesson!
Hey OP, as I'm sure you can see, there's a pretty wide range of responses to this question, and as long as you try to get it right, that's as much as anyone can hope for. I'd look more closely at the answers that reference your demographic points (online dating, twenties), but don't feel like you're an entitled millenial (as xm suggested) if you choose to email. Which is what I would do. But really, man, it's up to you.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:02 PM on January 31, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by facetious at 1:00 PM on January 30, 2012 [5 favorites]