What to message friend after first date?

January 29, 2012 11:27 AM

Went on a first date with a friend of a friend yesterday. She's pretty cool and the conversation flowed easily, but I wasn't feeling anything special. I want to message her on facebook any say something along the lines of "I had fun but I don't think we should continue" but need help composing the message.

We met last week when I was hanging out with the mutual friend. I found out through our mutual friend that she basically feels the same way: had a decent time but ambivalent about continuing. I think it would be rude to silently drop off because it's not an online dating situation so she's not a complete stranger, plus I will be seeing her around again at group events and don't want it to be weird.

My goal with this message is to politely say:
- Hey, you're cool and the date was good
- I wasn't really feeling any chemistry and don't want a second date
- We can totally hang out in the future, I just don't want a relationship

I'm not really sure how I should actually word the message though, especially getting that last point from above in there. I don't want her to think I actually dislike her or anything. Suggestions?

We're both in our 20s, if that helps

posted by katerschluck to Human Relations (19 answers total)

"Hey, it was great to meet you the other day. I wanted to let you know upfront that I wasn't really feeling any romantic chemistry but I enjoyed our conversation and would love to get to know you as a friend. Can't wait to hear about [insert thing from date that interested you]. Cheers!"

Short, straightforward, and shows you were actually listening. I'm sure that if she feels the same way as you, you'll both be able to laugh about it and get over it quickly.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 11:33 AM on January 29, 2012 [11 favorites]

My best shot:

"Hi, I had a good time with you, but it just didn't click with me for the romance aspect. Would love to keep you as a friend. If that's okay with you, let me know. Would love to hang out with you as a friend in the future. Maybe we can give each other dating advice."

LOL at the end of that last sentence optional.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 11:34 AM on January 29, 2012

How about something like, "I had a great time yesterday! You are very cool. Let's definitely hang out the next time the group gets together. Hey, and good luck with the [thing you mentioned]!"

I don't think it's necessary to spell out that you don't feel any spark and aren't interested in another date -- somehow that usually comes off to me as kind of presumptuous, no matter how carefully crafted, especially since you suspect that she feels the same way. It's not like there's reason to believe she's on a totally different page about your romantic potential together, when you'd need to be more firm and clear in communicating the "no."
posted by argonauta at 11:44 AM on January 29, 2012 [48 favorites]

"It was fun meeting you. We should definitely be friends!"

Like argonauta, I don't think there's any need to say you weren't really feeling it. Saying you want to be friends is perfectly clear. Plus, you already have information that she feels the same way.

If you really, really need to explicitly say you don't want a second date, "didn't feel a romantic spark" is a decent way to go. But I don't think that's necessary, and could make you look like a bit of a douche in this situation.
posted by J. Wilson at 11:55 AM on January 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

I'm a little surprised that some folks think that specifically addressing romantic sparks (or lack thereof) following a *date* is unnecessary. On the contrary, if I'd been on a date with someone who followed up saying something vague about seeing me around or ignoring the context of the meeting and just mentioning friendship, I'd likely feel a bit insulted (you both know if was a date). If you genuinely enjoyed her company but don't feel a spark, there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying just that. A short, warm, specific message like the one These Birds Of A Feather suggested hits just the right note, IMHO.
posted by pammeke at 12:04 PM on January 29, 2012 [7 favorites]

You don't need to say that you didn't feel any chemistry - that kind of straightforward clarity is only necessary when you think the other person feels differently than you. In this context, i think it would just come off as a bit presumption and not-so-nice.

I'd just word it as "Hey, it was great to meet the other day, wasn't the food/coffee/drinks good? Guess i'll see you around at Joe Shmoe Friend's next birthday/superbowl party/annual picnic! Cheers, Katershluck"
posted by Kololo at 12:29 PM on January 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

Another vote for not saying anything explicit, especially since you found out she wasn't interested either. If this mutual friend got you the message that she wasn't interested, and was reasonably tactful about it, then can't they just get her the same message in reverse? (Or maybe they already have?)
posted by pete_22 at 12:32 PM on January 29, 2012

I agree with argonauta. Assume that everyone is starting from a default of "I'm not interested" and that romantic chemistry would only be signalled with specific actions. Otherwise it seems tactless.
posted by steinsaltz at 12:42 PM on January 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

I'm not sure I understand why you need to send a note so directly spelling out that you felt no sparks and that you're open to the potential of platonic hanging out. I don't think that's the right way to go if the goal is to avoid future weirdness. Unless she's sending you signals that she's uber-smitten with you, my advice is to not address it at all. You want to be friends, or friendly, then wait a week before making contact and then send a message that's not too personal but about some shared interest (or something that she'd talked about). If I was writing that note it would be "hey look at this cool thing you talked about, enjoy" and not "hey, look at this cool thing you talked about, let's go do it together".

Instead, use your mutual friend. Your mutual friends knows you're not into her, they can help reinforce that if need be - or give you the head's up if evasive action is required.

Moreover, I don't like the idea of sending a note that directly states, "I don't like you like that" because you risk two things 1) becoming "that guy who sent an email to say he wasn't into me" to her and any of her awesome friends who might find yourself into, 2) it's really awkward if sometime later you start thinking to yourself, you know I might actually be into her.
posted by dismitree at 12:42 PM on January 29, 2012 [5 favorites]

If the evening was explicitly a date, and you want to hang out with the person but don't want to date, then yeah, I think it's appropriate to clear the air on that. Better to have the awkwardness up front than to discover in three months that she's wanted to date you all this time.

Say something like "I had a lot of fun! I don't think dating's right for us, but it'd be great to hang out as friends in the future." Don't think of it as "I don't like you in that way" but "I like you in this different way." If she's friend material, she'll be cool with it. And if she's feeling ambivalent, too, she'll probably be relieved.

In the interest of full disclosure, a guy once told me the same thing. I appreciated it and didn't find it awkward, and we became great friends. YMMV.
posted by Metroid Baby at 1:07 PM on January 29, 2012 [3 favorites]

If you are going to mention the chemistry, it might be best to make it mutual, as in "I had fun, but I know neither one of us was feeling the chemistry...". It comes across as less off-putting that way.
posted by Vaike at 4:06 PM on January 29, 2012 [2 favorites]

I know this isn't directly what you're asking, but I also want to suggest that you don't need to send a message at all. You have a mutual friend who can communicate that it was fine but there's not any real romantic interest on either side -- in fact, that friend already communicated this to (at least) you. Use your mutual friend.
posted by J. Wilson at 4:16 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

If I were the lady in this scenario and felt the way you think she does, I'd rather not hear from you than get a message telling me you're not romantically interested in me, especially since it doesn't sound like you're actually interested in pursuing a friendship with her either. It's not wrong to just be friendly to her next time you see her at a group event, and leave it at that.
posted by wondermouse at 4:29 PM on January 29, 2012 [6 favorites]

"You're awesome - let's be friends!"
posted by mleigh at 4:35 PM on January 29, 2012 [1 favorite]

"I had a great time the other night. I know it was supposed to be a date, but I think we'd be really great friends! You're a super person and I know you'll find someone who will make you happy. Hope to run into you again when the gang gets together and you can tell me more about XYZ [from date conversation]."
posted by elizeh at 10:29 PM on January 29, 2012

To me, a "date" (and i'm typically loathe to use the word at all) is a chance to spend some time with a person to see what kind of connection we may have.

It's not explicitly "okay, lets see if i want to kiss/have sex with/buy a house and grow old with this person", its more like "Hey, this person seems cool, lets do something so i get to spend time with this seemingly-cool person".

In that sense, the "date" was a complete success. You spent time with a cool person, you had some good conversation, and you left without weirdness, and she seemed to feel exactly the same.

My suggestion is that there isn't really a problem here. The date accomplished what it was supposed to do. If you want to hang out with her again, see if she wants to 'hang out' again, perhaps to go to a place you'd both expressed an interest in? I don't know... what procedure do you use when you want to hang out with your friends?

I guess my point is this: If you're sending an email as an "apology" that the time you spent together was "not fruitful," consider revising this point of view. It WAS fruitful. It sounds like you made a new friend. ESPECIALLY if she's feeling the same way and gave you the gift of confirming as much through your mutual friend.
posted by softlord at 11:21 AM on January 30, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think it's better to be explicit. I'd do what These Birds of a Feather suggested with one addition:

"Hey, it was great to meet you the other day. I wanted to let you know upfront that I wasn't really feeling any romantic chemistry -- and I suspect you might have been feeling the same way? -- but I enjoyed our conversation and would love to get to know you as a friend. Can't wait to hear about [insert thing from date that interested you]. Cheers!"

This way, you're not saying "I know you're into me, but I'm not into you" -- you're acknowledging that neither of you felt chemistry and suggesting friendship instead. I've gotten this sort of message before, and it always leaves me feeling good.

Good luck!
posted by cider at 11:57 AM on January 30, 2012

I highly recommend not saying anything. I think it's rather presumptuous and rude to send a premptive rejection note. Just drop it. There's no reason to contact her again unless she contacts you first. If I received that sort of note from you, I would be inclined think of you as an arrogant jerk and I wouldn't want to hang out again or have any sort of friendship. I would also feel awkward if we happened to be at the same social gathering.
posted by parakeetdog at 2:46 PM on January 30, 2012

Response by poster: Ended up going on a second date. And then a third. We've been together about 8 months now. You just never know :)
posted by katerschluck at 4:26 PM on October 23, 2012 [4 favorites]