Your Mom . . .
January 25, 2012 11:57 AM Subscribe
What's your favorite jokey way to give someone a verbal shake of your fist?
I often find myself in situations where I want to respond in one of the following ways:
why I oughta . . .
you little! . . .
I'm gonna smack you . . .
These phrases are all said sweetly and in a very friendly/funny way. The conversational context is lighthearted and includes friends, family and coworkers.
For example:
Friend: (While sampling my dessert that did not turn out as planned) "These are the most delicious chocolate chip cookies that I have eaten in my whole entire existence. A culinary masterpiece. They should give you a show on the Food Network."
Me: "Why I oughta . . ."
Tl;dr: I'm bored with my overused comeback repertoire and am looking for pithy, funny, smarty-pants comebacks that sound best when trailing off . . .
I often find myself in situations where I want to respond in one of the following ways:
why I oughta . . .
you little! . . .
I'm gonna smack you . . .
These phrases are all said sweetly and in a very friendly/funny way. The conversational context is lighthearted and includes friends, family and coworkers.
For example:
Friend: (While sampling my dessert that did not turn out as planned) "These are the most delicious chocolate chip cookies that I have eaten in my whole entire existence. A culinary masterpiece. They should give you a show on the Food Network."
Me: "Why I oughta . . ."
Tl;dr: I'm bored with my overused comeback repertoire and am looking for pithy, funny, smarty-pants comebacks that sound best when trailing off . . .
"One more crack like that and I'll wrap the piano around your neck." (2, 3)
posted by michaelh at 12:07 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by michaelh at 12:07 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
referencing A Christmas Story, "Not a finger!!"
That scene contains some other wonderful nonsense pseudoprofanity, such as "you platypus nutcracker!" and "You snort punger!"
posted by leapfrog at 12:07 PM on January 25, 2012
That scene contains some other wonderful nonsense pseudoprofanity, such as "you platypus nutcracker!" and "You snort punger!"
posted by leapfrog at 12:07 PM on January 25, 2012
I sometimes enjoy running around in circles hollering "AAHHHHHHHHHH" like my hair is on fire, if the situation allows. Otherwise I usually just peer at people with a squinty pained expression on my face as if I am trying to figure out what they are saying and failing. Or asking, flat out "Hey do you hear that buzzing sound?" and not responding to what they said at all. I have a delightful SO who occasionally makes terrible jokes even after I've said that I've reached my tolerance for jokes for the evening and these tend to work okay.
posted by jessamyn at 12:10 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by jessamyn at 12:10 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
"So that's how things are going to be with you"
"This is why we can't have nice things"
"See how you are" (I usually let the you slide in favor of something like "see how y'are")
My kids sometimes press mute on an imaginary remote control. Press repeatedly for effect.
We also use "not a finger!" around the Fabula house. The dad from Christmas Story also calls somebody, maybe the furnace, a "Monday noodle," which I employ some.
Quotes from movies are often unrelated to context. We use "listen Colonel Bat Guano, if that is your name..." from Dr. Strangelove as a verbal fist-shake.
posted by S'Tella Fabula at 12:12 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
"This is why we can't have nice things"
"See how you are" (I usually let the you slide in favor of something like "see how y'are")
My kids sometimes press mute on an imaginary remote control. Press repeatedly for effect.
We also use "not a finger!" around the Fabula house. The dad from Christmas Story also calls somebody, maybe the furnace, a "Monday noodle," which I employ some.
Quotes from movies are often unrelated to context. We use "listen Colonel Bat Guano, if that is your name..." from Dr. Strangelove as a verbal fist-shake.
posted by S'Tella Fabula at 12:12 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
"Oh, if my mama hadn't taught me not to hit ________" where the blank is a humorously specific description of your antagonist. i.e. for one of these situations with me and co-worker recently, it was "slightly taller than average, orange sweater wearing, one-quarter Bulgarian, gay men."
posted by otolith at 12:13 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by otolith at 12:13 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
Don't make me turn this car around! Physical presence in a car not required.
Don't make me turn this post around...
posted by troika at 12:14 PM on January 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
Don't make me turn this post around...
posted by troika at 12:14 PM on January 25, 2012 [9 favorites]
You're on the thinnest of ice right now.
Shut your pie hole.
Go pee up a tree.
Bite me.
Kiss my grits. [This works best if you have a beehive hairdo.]
Punk.
posted by orange swan at 12:14 PM on January 25, 2012
Shut your pie hole.
Go pee up a tree.
Bite me.
Kiss my grits. [This works best if you have a beehive hairdo.]
Punk.
posted by orange swan at 12:14 PM on January 25, 2012
I enjoy saying "Don't make me destroy you" in my best Darth Vader impersonation.
posted by Fleebnork at 12:14 PM on January 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by Fleebnork at 12:14 PM on January 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
I'm gonna give you a knuckle sammich.......with cheese!
posted by lampshade at 12:16 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by lampshade at 12:16 PM on January 25, 2012
In my family, a literal fake-hit is accompanied by a "Djzh" noise, to kind of emphasize the fact that you just got "hit". It's gotten to the point where the "djzh" can be said over the phone or with a vague wave of ones' arm across the room, and carries the precise connotation you're going for here.
We also say "curse you!" a lot, the more like a villain from a melodrama the better.
posted by tchemgrrl at 12:39 PM on January 25, 2012
We also say "curse you!" a lot, the more like a villain from a melodrama the better.
posted by tchemgrrl at 12:39 PM on January 25, 2012
The one my dad used most of the time when I was a kid and made a snarky zinger at his expense was "I'll give/show you a [whatever the topic is]" So in your example it might be "I'll show you a culinary masterpiece" or "I'll give you a show on the Food Network". This is often but not always a complete non-sequitur rather than something that you could plausibly threaten to give someone. Also it was usually followed by tickling.
posted by burnmp3s at 12:41 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by burnmp3s at 12:41 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
"Oh you got jokes?!"
"Ya momma"
"Aint gone be too many more of them [repeat last few words of what they said]'s"
(for example 'Your ashy toes look like you've been dancing in cocaine' - "Aint gone be too many more of them cocaines". Also, in this instance gone is pronounced "goan".)
posted by cashman at 12:43 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
"Ya momma"
"Aint gone be too many more of them [repeat last few words of what they said]'s"
(for example 'Your ashy toes look like you've been dancing in cocaine' - "Aint gone be too many more of them cocaines". Also, in this instance gone is pronounced "goan".)
posted by cashman at 12:43 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Wise guy, eh? in your best Cagney accent.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:48 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 12:48 PM on January 25, 2012
I'll give ya a taste of the back of me hand!
Been using this one for ages and no one has ever taken it as a threat of physical violence, so I guess it works!
posted by futureisunwritten at 12:51 PM on January 25, 2012
Been using this one for ages and no one has ever taken it as a threat of physical violence, so I guess it works!
posted by futureisunwritten at 12:51 PM on January 25, 2012
I'll tend to you later.
posted by lampshade at 12:52 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by lampshade at 12:52 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
I like, "Go kick rocks," quite a bit.
"Why do you hate freedom so much?" is also kind of funny (to me).
A deadpan, "Oh, you wit," is cute.
"Nobody likes you," is also an option.
posted by Pecinpah at 12:54 PM on January 25, 2012
"Why do you hate freedom so much?" is also kind of funny (to me).
A deadpan, "Oh, you wit," is cute.
"Nobody likes you," is also an option.
posted by Pecinpah at 12:54 PM on January 25, 2012
"Take your paws off me, you damn dirty ape!"
"Yeah, well you smell funny."
"Cool story, bro"
"It's true about the cookies. I think the black crust really add a certain piquant. Anytime you need the recipe, lemme know."
posted by nasayre at 12:55 PM on January 25, 2012
"Yeah, well you smell funny."
"Cool story, bro"
"It's true about the cookies. I think the black crust really add a certain piquant. Anytime you need the recipe, lemme know."
posted by nasayre at 12:55 PM on January 25, 2012
Oh, "Go piss up a rope," is good (though quite similar to orange swan's "Pee up a tree").
Also, "A pox! A pox on your house!" works for me.
posted by Pecinpah at 12:56 PM on January 25, 2012
Also, "A pox! A pox on your house!" works for me.
posted by Pecinpah at 12:56 PM on January 25, 2012
I usually threaten to take them back to the Home. NOTE: do not use with friend out on a day pass, unless sense of humor is very dark.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:01 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 1:01 PM on January 25, 2012
"I know you are but what am I" works best if it's not exactly an appropriate response.
Or, as in Seinfeld, just, "aaaAAAh" with it without the slap-hand. I can't find a clip... how do I search for that?
Pretty much anything Moe ever said to Larry or Curly.
posted by cmoj at 1:04 PM on January 25, 2012
Or, as in Seinfeld, just, "aaaAAAh" with it without the slap-hand. I can't find a clip... how do I search for that?
Pretty much anything Moe ever said to Larry or Curly.
posted by cmoj at 1:04 PM on January 25, 2012
"This wasn't part of the deal, [surname], this WASN'T PART OF THE DEEAALLL!!!"
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:04 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by EndsOfInvention at 1:04 PM on January 25, 2012
"You little dickens!"
posted by dreamphone at 1:08 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by dreamphone at 1:08 PM on January 25, 2012
"I fart in your general direction!" (Monty Python)
posted by LauraJ at 1:10 PM on January 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by LauraJ at 1:10 PM on January 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
"Don't make me come over there!" [maximum comedic effect is gained if you're very close to them]
posted by Betelgeuse at 1:11 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by Betelgeuse at 1:11 PM on January 25, 2012
When we were being stinkers, my grandfather would wave his slightly cupped hand in our direction and say "I'm a gonna give you the baccalà!" (Which, to an Italian, is a slap in the face with a slab of dried salted cod.)
posted by peagood at 1:15 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by peagood at 1:15 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
You're ugly and yer mama dresses you funny.
posted by hermitosis at 1:23 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by hermitosis at 1:23 PM on January 25, 2012
I hiss like a beleaguered possum or like Gollum would if you were to shine a flashlight in his eyes.
posted by TheRedArmy at 1:23 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by TheRedArmy at 1:23 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
me: GOOD DAY, SIR!
them: ..buzh?
me: I SAID GOOD DAY!
posted by elizardbits at 1:29 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
them: ..buzh?
me: I SAID GOOD DAY!
posted by elizardbits at 1:29 PM on January 25, 2012 [2 favorites]
"I'll hit you so hard when you wake up your clothes will be outta style!"
"I'm gunna smack you into next week!"
"Oh yeah? Well you can just kiss my face" Said as if you were spitting it.
Squint your eyes and say "Not sure if you're trolling or just stupid."
I often show my derision by pretending to pick my nose and then flick it a the person. It's become a family thing. My sister and I do it to each other while we're Skype-ing.
posted by TooFewShoes at 1:31 PM on January 25, 2012
"I'm gunna smack you into next week!"
"Oh yeah? Well you can just kiss my face" Said as if you were spitting it.
Squint your eyes and say "Not sure if you're trolling or just stupid."
I often show my derision by pretending to pick my nose and then flick it a the person. It's become a family thing. My sister and I do it to each other while we're Skype-ing.
posted by TooFewShoes at 1:31 PM on January 25, 2012
Well, if you think domestic violence is funny, you could go with the Ralph Kramden bit and say, "One uh dees dayz, one uh deez dayz... POW, RIGHT IN THE KISSA!"
posted by jph at 1:35 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by jph at 1:35 PM on January 25, 2012
If I want any shit outta you, I'll squeeze your head.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:39 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 1:39 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
We usually go with "Harrumph!", referencing Blazing Saddles. Other common options are "This is why we can't have nice things" and "You were an accident!" in a crazy voice that I just realized sounds like a Nixon impersonation ...
posted by brilliantine at 1:51 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by brilliantine at 1:51 PM on January 25, 2012
How about "Blow it out your ass" ? I always like that one...
posted by Busmick at 1:54 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by Busmick at 1:54 PM on January 25, 2012
I like to look perplexed like what they said made no sense and go
"Is that what passes for humour in these parts?."
posted by wwax at 1:58 PM on January 25, 2012
"Is that what passes for humour in these parts?."
posted by wwax at 1:58 PM on January 25, 2012
Also, along the lines of EndsOfInvention's, I also like Lando Calrissian's best line from The Empire Strikes Back, "This deal's getting worse all the time!" Say it like Billy Dee-- come on, you know you want to.
posted by Sunburnt at 2:02 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by Sunburnt at 2:02 PM on January 25, 2012
When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.
posted by Bruce H. at 2:03 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Bruce H. at 2:03 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
"whatchoo talkin bout willis"
"You drivin me nuckin futs!"
"Got dandruff and someofititches!"
posted by cross_impact at 2:05 PM on January 25, 2012
"You drivin me nuckin futs!"
"Got dandruff and someofititches!"
posted by cross_impact at 2:05 PM on January 25, 2012
Don't make me turn this car around! Physical presence in a car not required.
If I'm driving, and the antagonist is in the back seat, I show back over my shoulder with "Don't make me go back there!"
posted by aubilenon at 2:13 PM on January 25, 2012
If I'm driving, and the antagonist is in the back seat, I show back over my shoulder with "Don't make me go back there!"
posted by aubilenon at 2:13 PM on January 25, 2012
I sometimes like, "When the revolution comes, you're gonna be first up against the wall. First."
posted by smoke at 2:25 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by smoke at 2:25 PM on January 25, 2012
To the moon, Alice!
posted by Obscure Reference at 2:32 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Obscure Reference at 2:32 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
"You win this round."
posted by en forme de poire at 2:40 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by en forme de poire at 2:40 PM on January 25, 2012
My dad used to say, "You have a point. And if you comb your hair just right, no one will notice."
"That's whatever it is you were talking about for you..."
"You said a mouthful."
posted by Squeak Attack at 2:41 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
"That's whatever it is you were talking about for you..."
"You said a mouthful."
posted by Squeak Attack at 2:41 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Sit and spin. Or, how's about you go sit and spin.
posted by penduluum at 2:45 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by penduluum at 2:45 PM on January 25, 2012
I also like to use "your face". Stole that one from a friend (hi Gina). It works exactly the way "your mama" works, except with a little dab more absurdity.
A: These cookies are delicious.
B: Your face is delicious.
A: No seriously, they should give you a show on the Food Network.
B: They should give your face a show on the Food Network.
posted by penduluum at 2:48 PM on January 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
A: These cookies are delicious.
B: Your face is delicious.
A: No seriously, they should give you a show on the Food Network.
B: They should give your face a show on the Food Network.
posted by penduluum at 2:48 PM on January 25, 2012 [8 favorites]
"No more talking for YOU." [withering glare]
posted by clavicle at 3:16 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by clavicle at 3:16 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: These are absolutely mahvelous. (They'll never see it coming!)
posted by WaspEnterprises at 3:32 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by WaspEnterprises at 3:32 PM on January 25, 2012
When we were young, we would sometimes get "I'm going to slap your hands and feet with a wet lettuce."
My husband and the cats (mostly not male) sometimes get a "You NAUGHTY fellow!"
As per LauraJ , there has even been the occasional "You empty-headed food-trough wiper" in the BEST FRENCH ACCENT EVAH.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:45 PM on January 25, 2012
My husband and the cats (mostly not male) sometimes get a "You NAUGHTY fellow!"
As per LauraJ , there has even been the occasional "You empty-headed food-trough wiper" in the BEST FRENCH ACCENT EVAH.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 3:45 PM on January 25, 2012
"You're fired!" (I used to try this one on my little brother. Turns out you can't actually fire little brothers.)
posted by beandip at 4:20 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by beandip at 4:20 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
You sock-dologizing old mantrap!
posted by persona at 4:31 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by persona at 4:31 PM on January 25, 2012 [3 favorites]
In our family, if somebody whinged or got cranky about something the parent would always repeat back a portion of their complaint as , "I'll _____ you in a minute>". Works best with a Belfast accent.
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:33 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by bonobothegreat at 4:33 PM on January 25, 2012
Some of my standbys, generally said wearily:
"I tell ya what..." [shaking head and maybe rolling eyes]
"Uh-huh..."
"Ah..." [maybe with a raised eyebrow]
posted by limeonaire at 4:37 PM on January 25, 2012
"I tell ya what..." [shaking head and maybe rolling eyes]
"Uh-huh..."
"Ah..." [maybe with a raised eyebrow]
posted by limeonaire at 4:37 PM on January 25, 2012
I use "The Gesture That Turneth Away Wrath." Fold your thumb across your palm and wave. It's never failed for me.
posted by KRS at 4:45 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by KRS at 4:45 PM on January 25, 2012
You're DEAD.TO.ME. DEAD, I tells ya.
Ookay, fine, I'm taking your name off my Will. No jewels for you kid.
Don't make me find my wooden spoon.
One more crack outta you and you're going on the Naughty Stool.
The little people in my head are telling me to bury you in the garden. I don't know what's gotten into them.
Come here n sniff this nice chloroform handkerchief...
Them's fighting words...
(mime gold watch pendulum) You're feeling ve-rrry slee-pppy. You're fee-lling oh-so-ver-rrry obedient. The cookies are f-i-n-e. when you wake up you'll want to eat eight of them in a row. (then click your fingers)
(aliens default) Did.IQ's.Just.Drop.Sharply.While.I.Was.Away?
GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!
(Lebowski default:) I did NOT watch my buddies die face down in the mud so that... some little tramp can come in here and be all up in my cookies' faces.
That's just. like. your. opinion. man.
Over the line Smoky!
posted by honey-barbara at 4:49 PM on January 25, 2012
Ookay, fine, I'm taking your name off my Will. No jewels for you kid.
Don't make me find my wooden spoon.
One more crack outta you and you're going on the Naughty Stool.
The little people in my head are telling me to bury you in the garden. I don't know what's gotten into them.
Come here n sniff this nice chloroform handkerchief...
Them's fighting words...
(mime gold watch pendulum) You're feeling ve-rrry slee-pppy. You're fee-lling oh-so-ver-rrry obedient. The cookies are f-i-n-e. when you wake up you'll want to eat eight of them in a row. (then click your fingers)
(aliens default) Did.IQ's.Just.Drop.Sharply.While.I.Was.Away?
GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH!
(Lebowski default:) I did NOT watch my buddies die face down in the mud so that... some little tramp can come in here and be all up in my cookies' faces.
That's just. like. your. opinion. man.
Over the line Smoky!
posted by honey-barbara at 4:49 PM on January 25, 2012
"Don't make me stop this car!" (Best if not in a car.)
"That's the liquor talking!" or....
Next time, Gadget! Neeext Timmmme!!
Or any of Max Smart's great lines, such as "Missed it by *that* *much.*" "Would you believe _____ [slightly less exagerrated truth, but still untrue]?"
posted by Sunburnt at 4:57 PM on January 25, 2012
"That's the liquor talking!" or....
Next time, Gadget! Neeext Timmmme!!
Or any of Max Smart's great lines, such as "Missed it by *that* *much.*" "Would you believe _____ [slightly less exagerrated truth, but still untrue]?"
posted by Sunburnt at 4:57 PM on January 25, 2012
"You'll pay for that."
"You're a funny guy, Sully. I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last."
KHAAAAAAN!
posted by Bokmakierie at 4:58 PM on January 25, 2012
"You're a funny guy, Sully. I like you. That's why I'm going to kill you last."
KHAAAAAAN!
posted by Bokmakierie at 4:58 PM on January 25, 2012
I am partial to growling "I'd like to slap your face!" followed by a glass-crashing noise ("KSSSSH!") in imitation of this scene from Humoresque.
[YouTube]
posted by La Cieca at 5:33 PM on January 25, 2012
[YouTube]
posted by La Cieca at 5:33 PM on January 25, 2012
"A boot to your head!"
"And a boot to your mother's head!"
posted by K.P. at 5:46 PM on January 25, 2012
"And a boot to your mother's head!"
posted by K.P. at 5:46 PM on January 25, 2012
"You're going the right way for a smacked bottom"
posted by slightlybewildered at 5:50 PM on January 25, 2012
posted by slightlybewildered at 5:50 PM on January 25, 2012
In terrible French accent "Mah ass is tweetching. You peeple make mah ass tweetch."
posted by catatethebird at 8:09 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by catatethebird at 8:09 PM on January 25, 2012 [1 favorite]
"You're not my REAL dad."
posted by illenion at 9:09 PM on January 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by illenion at 9:09 PM on January 25, 2012 [4 favorites]
'You realise, of course, this means war.'
posted by permafrost at 3:37 AM on January 26, 2012
posted by permafrost at 3:37 AM on January 26, 2012
I use body language. The one-squinted eye, head tilted, other eye goes wide, Larry David-ish dork thing.
posted by ifjuly at 8:38 AM on January 26, 2012
posted by ifjuly at 8:38 AM on January 26, 2012
And there's always the good ol' Marge Simpson "Ermmmmm!"
posted by ifjuly at 8:39 AM on January 26, 2012
posted by ifjuly at 8:39 AM on January 26, 2012
"Don't make me break my food off in yo ass!"
(MadTV, ~1995)
posted by enfa at 9:49 AM on January 26, 2012
(MadTV, ~1995)
posted by enfa at 9:49 AM on January 26, 2012
I got your [culinary masterpiece] right here.
posted by chickenmagazine at 11:31 AM on January 26, 2012
posted by chickenmagazine at 11:31 AM on January 26, 2012
I will often say "Newman" like Seinfeld or if the person is very familiar with it, I'll say their name in the same manner, often clenching my fist.
posted by vivzan at 11:32 AM on January 26, 2012
posted by vivzan at 11:32 AM on January 26, 2012
"I'll cut you..." (said with deadpan expression)
"Pistols at dawn!"
"I'ma snatch you bald-headed"
"Say what again!"
"Choose your next words very carefully."
"You're about to get knocked-the-fuck-out."
"You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero!" or, "This is not 'nam, there are rules!"
"Go ahead, see what happens..."
"I know where you live, and you've got to sleep sooner or later."
"I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!" - Baseketball
"It's about to go DEFCON 1 in here."
"Tempers are wearing thin. Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill everybody." - Bender
posted by Demogorgon at 11:38 AM on January 26, 2012
"Pistols at dawn!"
"I'ma snatch you bald-headed"
"Say what again!"
"Choose your next words very carefully."
"You're about to get knocked-the-fuck-out."
"You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero!" or, "This is not 'nam, there are rules!"
"Go ahead, see what happens..."
"I know where you live, and you've got to sleep sooner or later."
"I'm gonna shove your head so far up your fuckin' ass, you'll have to wear yourself as a hat!" - Baseketball
"It's about to go DEFCON 1 in here."
"Tempers are wearing thin. Let's just hope some robot doesn't kill everybody." - Bender
posted by Demogorgon at 11:38 AM on January 26, 2012
"Have you ever picked up your teeth with broken fingers?"
posted by Thug at 1:07 PM on January 26, 2012
posted by Thug at 1:07 PM on January 26, 2012
"Up your nose with a rubber hose!"
"The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"
posted by SisterHavana at 8:54 PM on January 26, 2012
"The jerk store called, they're running out of you!"
posted by SisterHavana at 8:54 PM on January 26, 2012
Paraphrased from Princess Bride: Off to bed now. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.
Other PB quotes work too:
Inconceivable!
Hello! My name is WaspEnterprises. You insulted my cookies. Prepare to die! (and repeat at increasing volume if they try a comeback)
Aha! But I am not left-handed!
(Aside to imaginary giant): Fezzik, tear his arms off.
You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.
Go away, or I'll call the Brute Squad.
Etc, etc...
posted by attercoppe at 9:58 PM on January 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Other PB quotes work too:
Inconceivable!
Hello! My name is WaspEnterprises. You insulted my cookies. Prepare to die! (and repeat at increasing volume if they try a comeback)
Aha! But I am not left-handed!
(Aside to imaginary giant): Fezzik, tear his arms off.
You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles.
Go away, or I'll call the Brute Squad.
Etc, etc...
posted by attercoppe at 9:58 PM on January 26, 2012 [1 favorite]
Well, if you think domestic violence is funny, you could go with the Ralph Kramden bit and say, "One uh dees dayz, one uh deez dayz... POW, RIGHT IN THE KISSA!"
I was a big fan of the short-lived show That's My Bush, which parodied that line as "One of these days, Laura, I'm gonna punch you in the face!"
posted by naoko at 2:23 PM on January 27, 2012
I was a big fan of the short-lived show That's My Bush, which parodied that line as "One of these days, Laura, I'm gonna punch you in the face!"
posted by naoko at 2:23 PM on January 27, 2012
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posted by Faint of Butt at 12:02 PM on January 25, 2012