Uncertainty about wanting kids - dealbreaker?
January 22, 2012 11:12 AM Subscribe
Fears about the future interfering with the now? Or: how hard I should try to convince him to give us another shot.
I'm 22 (female) and he's 24. First relationship for him; for me the first time I've ever felt this strongly about someone. He's opening me up to a lot of new experiences and feelings - including love, romantic attraction, and sexual desire - things that I can pretty much say that I've never felt before him. One more thing that I've started to think about is starting a family - getting married, having children, that sort of thing. I've always known that that was something he was 100% certain about wanting, but while I was initially opposed to it, the more I spend time with him, the more I'm starting to picture myself being able to settle down with the right person.
The problem is that although I've been thinking about this issue for a long time, he's only recently started to think more seriously about it, and it's been bothering him a lot. He knows that I'm not certain to want children, and that worries him, he says, to the point where it's affecting how he feels about me right now.
While I'm less opposed to the idea than I was when we first talked about the issue, and I've changed a lot as I've matured, both as an individual and as a half of this relationship, I certainly can't make a commitment to definitely have children, or even get married. I feel that it's quite possible, but not in any way a guarantee.
We talked about it last night. I decided that if there was no future for us, it didn't make sense to continue a relationship. He seemed to decide that there was no future for us. We agreed to cut off contact to think about the issue further. In three weeks we'll talk about it some more and see how we feel. I think that we've just broken up, and I'm devastated.
I want to continue the relationship, but obviously not if I'm the only one that does. To me this is something worth fighting for, but I don't know how far to fight - not far enough would be letting things go when we both still care about each other. Too far would be convincing someone who no longer has feelings for me to give it another try.
What I don't understand is this: during our conversation, he said that we were compatible in every single way except the issue of having children. But I'm pretty sure that women scared of having kids at my age are likely to change their mind, at least according to most of the older women I've talked to. I can't figure out if there's another issue at play that he's not aware of, if he really needs that 100% guarantee that children are in the cards, or if he doesn't understand how much I'm changing and have changed in the recent past.
My questions are:
- How do people keep the uncertainty about the future (in his case, worries that I might never want to have kids) from affecting the present?
- I'm finding it hard to move on, because I still hope that there's a future for us. How do I know when I'm going too far trying to convince him to stay?
- Now that we've had this conversation, is there even any possibility of things not being strained or difficult between us? He's said that he needs kids, so it seems like regardless of the outcome, the uncertainty is always going to be an issue hanging over our heads.
- When I talk to him in three weeks, should I be clear and honest about my desire to remain in a relationship, even knowing that it's unlikely or even impossible?
Thanks for reading! Throwaway at: stillakidmyself@gmail.com
I'm 22 (female) and he's 24. First relationship for him; for me the first time I've ever felt this strongly about someone. He's opening me up to a lot of new experiences and feelings - including love, romantic attraction, and sexual desire - things that I can pretty much say that I've never felt before him. One more thing that I've started to think about is starting a family - getting married, having children, that sort of thing. I've always known that that was something he was 100% certain about wanting, but while I was initially opposed to it, the more I spend time with him, the more I'm starting to picture myself being able to settle down with the right person.
The problem is that although I've been thinking about this issue for a long time, he's only recently started to think more seriously about it, and it's been bothering him a lot. He knows that I'm not certain to want children, and that worries him, he says, to the point where it's affecting how he feels about me right now.
While I'm less opposed to the idea than I was when we first talked about the issue, and I've changed a lot as I've matured, both as an individual and as a half of this relationship, I certainly can't make a commitment to definitely have children, or even get married. I feel that it's quite possible, but not in any way a guarantee.
We talked about it last night. I decided that if there was no future for us, it didn't make sense to continue a relationship. He seemed to decide that there was no future for us. We agreed to cut off contact to think about the issue further. In three weeks we'll talk about it some more and see how we feel. I think that we've just broken up, and I'm devastated.
I want to continue the relationship, but obviously not if I'm the only one that does. To me this is something worth fighting for, but I don't know how far to fight - not far enough would be letting things go when we both still care about each other. Too far would be convincing someone who no longer has feelings for me to give it another try.
What I don't understand is this: during our conversation, he said that we were compatible in every single way except the issue of having children. But I'm pretty sure that women scared of having kids at my age are likely to change their mind, at least according to most of the older women I've talked to. I can't figure out if there's another issue at play that he's not aware of, if he really needs that 100% guarantee that children are in the cards, or if he doesn't understand how much I'm changing and have changed in the recent past.
My questions are:
- How do people keep the uncertainty about the future (in his case, worries that I might never want to have kids) from affecting the present?
- I'm finding it hard to move on, because I still hope that there's a future for us. How do I know when I'm going too far trying to convince him to stay?
- Now that we've had this conversation, is there even any possibility of things not being strained or difficult between us? He's said that he needs kids, so it seems like regardless of the outcome, the uncertainty is always going to be an issue hanging over our heads.
- When I talk to him in three weeks, should I be clear and honest about my desire to remain in a relationship, even knowing that it's unlikely or even impossible?
Thanks for reading! Throwaway at: stillakidmyself@gmail.com
About your first question, I used to be really uncertain about the long-term prospects of my relationship, and like your boyfriend, I was inclined to cut and run if the future didn't look perfect. My BF is in grad school and I was thinking I wanted to find somebody who had a good job already and could make babies with me NOW. For me, what changed it was actually deciding to break up with him and realizing how much I would freaking miss him. Waiting a few years before things are more stable didn't seem that bad faced with the prospect of 1) not being with him and 2) having to date random people again, ew.
Concerning your actual relationship issue, If you've been in a relationship for less than a year and this is the big issue, then he is being kind of unreasonable and maybe a little hot-headed.
Plenty of women (most?) feel unready to have children at 22, even women that have been in multiple long-term relationships (unlike you, it seems) and often this un-readiness can manifest itself as "I don't know if I ever want to have children." The fact that you say "I'm not certain" and not "I absolutely don't want to" tells me that you'll probably change your mind later, especially as you spend more time in a committed relationship and grow more accustomed to thinking of your life in those terms.
If this is the only thing keeping you two apart, and not some bigger issue of incompatibility, then I think you should bring up to him that you're both very young, and he should try to respect the process of growing up together. If you both like each other very much and seem good for long term prospects other than the issue of baby making, you should stay together for at least a year or two before deciding that it absolutely won't work based on your unreadiness. It's not like he'll be too old to date anybody in a year, and neither will you. If you were in your 40s my answer would be different, but for crying out loud, you both are barely out of college.
posted by permiechickie at 11:53 AM on January 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
Concerning your actual relationship issue, If you've been in a relationship for less than a year and this is the big issue, then he is being kind of unreasonable and maybe a little hot-headed.
Plenty of women (most?) feel unready to have children at 22, even women that have been in multiple long-term relationships (unlike you, it seems) and often this un-readiness can manifest itself as "I don't know if I ever want to have children." The fact that you say "I'm not certain" and not "I absolutely don't want to" tells me that you'll probably change your mind later, especially as you spend more time in a committed relationship and grow more accustomed to thinking of your life in those terms.
If this is the only thing keeping you two apart, and not some bigger issue of incompatibility, then I think you should bring up to him that you're both very young, and he should try to respect the process of growing up together. If you both like each other very much and seem good for long term prospects other than the issue of baby making, you should stay together for at least a year or two before deciding that it absolutely won't work based on your unreadiness. It's not like he'll be too old to date anybody in a year, and neither will you. If you were in your 40s my answer would be different, but for crying out loud, you both are barely out of college.
posted by permiechickie at 11:53 AM on January 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
While you can compromise on a lot of things in a relationship, even problematic things like politics, religion, etc., you can't exactly compromise on kids. Uncertainty about compatibility on that very major issue is something he and you really *should* think about. It *should* affect the present, especially if his long-term relationship goal is to get married and have children. It sounds like he's ready to find a wife and start a family, while you're more interested in living in the moment relationship-wise and enjoying the present rather than thinking about the future. Those two perspectives are a huge incompatibility when it comes to long-term issues like children.
You both seem need totally different things to make this relationship work, which likely means the relationship will not work going forward. You need him to stop thinking about the relationship beyond the immediate future. He can't do that because he's thinking about things long-term. He needs you to 100% commit to having kids. A vague assurance that "most women change their mind" will not and *should* not be enough for him given his long-term goals.
You may or may not ever change your mind (I decided not to have kids and am old enough to know I will not change my mind about that). As sad as it would be to break up, it's not fair to him to stay together knowing that you may never change your mind. He's being wise in communicating what he needs, and you should believe what he says. Right now, you can't give him the assurance he needs on this non-compromise-able issue, so while I think it's totally acceptable for you to clearly communicate you'd like to stay in the relationship, it's also totally acceptable for him to decide that investing time and energy in a relationship with you is not the best option for him because of the incompatibility in your long-term relationship goals.
Let's say he decides to give it a year and wait to see if you change your mind. Let's say you do decide 100% that you want kids a year from now. Then you'll get engaged, have a wedding a year or so down the road. Now he's 26 years old--still young enough to start a family and everything's cool.
However...Let's say you guys give it a year and you don't change your mind and you break up. Now he has to start over on the relationship front--find someone compatible (that takes a while, especially since the available pool of women may be smaller as he gets older), date for a while, date a while longer, get engaged, get married, etc. He could easily be in his 30s by the time he gets all this lined up. Logically, even if he still loves you, he may just decide that investing more in his relationship with you isn't worth risking all that time he could have spent looking for someone with better long-term compatibility.
So, yes. Communicate what you want, but really try to see it from his perspective as well so you can have better conversations about this issue, about your expectations both now and long-term, and what your relationship looks like going forward.
posted by BlooPen at 11:56 AM on January 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
You both seem need totally different things to make this relationship work, which likely means the relationship will not work going forward. You need him to stop thinking about the relationship beyond the immediate future. He can't do that because he's thinking about things long-term. He needs you to 100% commit to having kids. A vague assurance that "most women change their mind" will not and *should* not be enough for him given his long-term goals.
You may or may not ever change your mind (I decided not to have kids and am old enough to know I will not change my mind about that). As sad as it would be to break up, it's not fair to him to stay together knowing that you may never change your mind. He's being wise in communicating what he needs, and you should believe what he says. Right now, you can't give him the assurance he needs on this non-compromise-able issue, so while I think it's totally acceptable for you to clearly communicate you'd like to stay in the relationship, it's also totally acceptable for him to decide that investing time and energy in a relationship with you is not the best option for him because of the incompatibility in your long-term relationship goals.
Let's say he decides to give it a year and wait to see if you change your mind. Let's say you do decide 100% that you want kids a year from now. Then you'll get engaged, have a wedding a year or so down the road. Now he's 26 years old--still young enough to start a family and everything's cool.
However...Let's say you guys give it a year and you don't change your mind and you break up. Now he has to start over on the relationship front--find someone compatible (that takes a while, especially since the available pool of women may be smaller as he gets older), date for a while, date a while longer, get engaged, get married, etc. He could easily be in his 30s by the time he gets all this lined up. Logically, even if he still loves you, he may just decide that investing more in his relationship with you isn't worth risking all that time he could have spent looking for someone with better long-term compatibility.
So, yes. Communicate what you want, but really try to see it from his perspective as well so you can have better conversations about this issue, about your expectations both now and long-term, and what your relationship looks like going forward.
posted by BlooPen at 11:56 AM on January 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
But I'm pretty sure that women scared of having kids at my age are likely to change their mind, at least according to most of the older women I've talked to. I can't figure out if there's another issue at play that he's not aware of, if he really needs that 100% guarantee that children are in the cards, or if he doesn't understand how much I'm changing and have changed in the recent past.
One thing to keep in mind is that the issue of children is one of MANY things you're likely to have changed your mind about, by the time you change your mind about it, if you ever do. The changing thing is a double-edged sword, and I wouldn't bank on merely changing in ways that will make you MORE compatible with this person. By the time you're 30, you may be on a very, very different path than the one you're on now.
...I don't know how far to fight - not far enough would be letting things go when we both still care about each other.
DANGER!!!!! Realizing that your long-term goals are incompatible is a fine reason to end things with someone. Sticking with someone until you no longer care about them is usually a recipe for disaster.
posted by alphanerd at 11:56 AM on January 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
One thing to keep in mind is that the issue of children is one of MANY things you're likely to have changed your mind about, by the time you change your mind about it, if you ever do. The changing thing is a double-edged sword, and I wouldn't bank on merely changing in ways that will make you MORE compatible with this person. By the time you're 30, you may be on a very, very different path than the one you're on now.
...I don't know how far to fight - not far enough would be letting things go when we both still care about each other.
DANGER!!!!! Realizing that your long-term goals are incompatible is a fine reason to end things with someone. Sticking with someone until you no longer care about them is usually a recipe for disaster.
posted by alphanerd at 11:56 AM on January 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
Dude knows what he wants. You do not want that. It's pretty cut and dried.
You can certainly express your desire to remain in relationship and ask him to wait. Just realize that you're asking him to compromise and it's ok if he doesn't want to on something that is so fundamental to him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:59 AM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
You can certainly express your desire to remain in relationship and ask him to wait. Just realize that you're asking him to compromise and it's ok if he doesn't want to on something that is so fundamental to him.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 11:59 AM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
Uncertainty about wanting kids - dealbreaker?
It is for him. And it's a valid reason for either one of you to decide it's not the right match.
But he's got his eye on the future and you're trying to enjoy the present. So even if not being on the same page wrt kids appears to be the issue, it looks to this anonymous internet person that you're not on the same page wrt living. If you do stay together is it always going to be this shadow over you? No vacations together/cohabiting/getting a dog/getting Christmas ornaments together unless the future is planned out?
You're 22 and except for this guy, kids aren't even on your radar. You might be happier with someone who wants to enjoy just being 22 with you.
posted by headnsouth at 12:16 PM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
It is for him. And it's a valid reason for either one of you to decide it's not the right match.
But he's got his eye on the future and you're trying to enjoy the present. So even if not being on the same page wrt kids appears to be the issue, it looks to this anonymous internet person that you're not on the same page wrt living. If you do stay together is it always going to be this shadow over you? No vacations together/cohabiting/getting a dog/getting Christmas ornaments together unless the future is planned out?
You're 22 and except for this guy, kids aren't even on your radar. You might be happier with someone who wants to enjoy just being 22 with you.
posted by headnsouth at 12:16 PM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
As mentioned above, the question of kids is pretty much a dealbreaker in a relationship. I have known a few successful couples where the partners entered into the relationship with different positions on that question, and eventually one reconciled to the other's position. So it can happen. But I wouldn't count on it.
So I think your boyfriend is being entirely reasonable. He wants kids, you don't, and he's not willing to gamble that eventually you will. Which says to me that kids are a high priority for him.
Also, you shouldn't try to make yourself want kids just to keep your boyfriend. It is entirely unrealistic to expect that having kids will solve other relationship problems.
posted by adamrice at 12:20 PM on January 22, 2012
So I think your boyfriend is being entirely reasonable. He wants kids, you don't, and he's not willing to gamble that eventually you will. Which says to me that kids are a high priority for him.
Also, you shouldn't try to make yourself want kids just to keep your boyfriend. It is entirely unrealistic to expect that having kids will solve other relationship problems.
posted by adamrice at 12:20 PM on January 22, 2012
If one of you doesn't know, deep down, that you want kids, don't have kids, nor build a relationship that promises you will.
I know kids often change people, and there are exceptions where people suddenly surprise themselves. I don't think it's wise to bet on being an exception.
posted by ead at 12:43 PM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I know kids often change people, and there are exceptions where people suddenly surprise themselves. I don't think it's wise to bet on being an exception.
posted by ead at 12:43 PM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
He is making a good, healthy decision by breaking things off now. You need to support him in that decision. At 22 I knew I wanted to have kids. I knew it when I was 12. I now have kids and I'm a great mom. It is a hard job and not for everyone. Let him find someone who knows that she wants kids. Enjoy your freedom. You get to keep your figure, sleep all night long if you want to, travel the world, cuss in your own home, pretty much, enjoy being an adult. He gets to find someone to make a family with. Someone to share sleepless nights and too many bills to pay. Someone who is right for him.
If you get back together and you decide not to have children, he will hate you forever. This way, maybe someday, you can be friends.
Whatever you do, do not have children to please him. Children deserve a mother and a father who want and love them. You don't want to be the mom who resents her children.
To answer your question, yes, it is a deal breaker.
There are plenty of men in the world who do not want to be fathers. Date them.
posted by myselfasme at 12:53 PM on January 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
If you get back together and you decide not to have children, he will hate you forever. This way, maybe someday, you can be friends.
Whatever you do, do not have children to please him. Children deserve a mother and a father who want and love them. You don't want to be the mom who resents her children.
To answer your question, yes, it is a deal breaker.
There are plenty of men in the world who do not want to be fathers. Date them.
posted by myselfasme at 12:53 PM on January 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
You seem awfully young to be focused on lifelong partnerships. (I didn't screen for parenting/non-parenting until I was in my 30s.) It seems most likely that the relationship will be a happy thing that eventually runs its course far before this is a question that needs answering, does it not?
posted by DarlingBri at 12:54 PM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by DarlingBri at 12:54 PM on January 22, 2012 [1 favorite]
I will preface this by saying that I am totally a future-worrier, so I understand your boyfriend's ruminating, but..
How long have the two of you been together? This conversation would make more sense if you've been dating for a year+ already. If it's been less time than that, I wonder if he is being fatalistic. A lot of people in their first relationship believe it needs to be either Hollywood-perfect or else you just Cannot Be. (I was like this in my teens/early 20's).
I think it is fair to point out (politely) when you re-meet that he is putting unfair pressure on you to make such a decision. It sounds like you are in the beginning stages of talking about marriage as a possible future, not that you are getting engaged super-soon. If neither of you have made up your mind that you are even definitely-The-One yet, it's putting the cart before the horse to say that your relationship now hinges on post-marriage children when marriage isn't even definite yet.
I would say something like "I need/want more time to develop our current relationship before making this decision, and I need to feel like you value that at least as much as your possible future children." Otherwise, I would definitely feel more like the ticket to Babyland than the person he wants to be his wife - and you need to feel like that before you can commit to having children with someone.
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:05 PM on January 22, 2012
How long have the two of you been together? This conversation would make more sense if you've been dating for a year+ already. If it's been less time than that, I wonder if he is being fatalistic. A lot of people in their first relationship believe it needs to be either Hollywood-perfect or else you just Cannot Be. (I was like this in my teens/early 20's).
I think it is fair to point out (politely) when you re-meet that he is putting unfair pressure on you to make such a decision. It sounds like you are in the beginning stages of talking about marriage as a possible future, not that you are getting engaged super-soon. If neither of you have made up your mind that you are even definitely-The-One yet, it's putting the cart before the horse to say that your relationship now hinges on post-marriage children when marriage isn't even definite yet.
I would say something like "I need/want more time to develop our current relationship before making this decision, and I need to feel like you value that at least as much as your possible future children." Otherwise, I would definitely feel more like the ticket to Babyland than the person he wants to be his wife - and you need to feel like that before you can commit to having children with someone.
posted by nakedmolerats at 1:05 PM on January 22, 2012
I certainly can't make a commitment to definitely have children, or even get married.
Then tell him this. He wants a committment, you can't make it. Done. One of the things about being an adult is laying your cards out and being mature enough to allow other people to react to them in their own way.
posted by rhizome at 1:33 PM on January 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
Then tell him this. He wants a committment, you can't make it. Done. One of the things about being an adult is laying your cards out and being mature enough to allow other people to react to them in their own way.
posted by rhizome at 1:33 PM on January 22, 2012 [4 favorites]
I think that, in general, it's a mistake to latch on to the reason that somebody gives for breaking up with you. There's just no way to know if someone is being honest with you in that situation - lots of people aren't. I think you'll be able to tell a lot from how this followup conversation goes. He's either going to lead with a discussion about kids, in which case this is still up for discussion, or he's going to lead with a statement about thinking you're better off apart. If he does that, you should accept that it's over.
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:33 PM on January 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by Ragged Richard at 1:33 PM on January 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
My experience is that people who wants children know about it rather early in life, especially women. It's one of those things that really shape your trajectory in life. If you are a thoughtful person; wanting to have children and raising them well become more than a dream, it becomes a vocation. You start to think about careers that are children-friendly, where you'd live; you seek parenting skills and advices from family and friends; you build up relationship and a support system; and you approach dating from a wholly different view point. People who really want children does thoughts experiments such as: how much I'd sacrifice for my child; how much resources and skill I'd need to provide for the child; how would I teach them and deal with truancy, etc... This is how they prepare themselves; and it's not something that can be influenced, convinced or talked into.
If your boyfriend reacts that strongly to this topic, it's only because he is probably a couple of YEARS (perhaps decade) ahead of you in thinking and planning for this future. Even if you decide right now that you want kids, you would still be many years behind him in this department. And that would be fine, if you truly want kids. Motivated learners can catch up fast. But reluctant learners invariably fails. They get frustrated, recalcitrant and eventually, resentful, of the burden they didn't want. Don't be that person, especially where a young child is involved.
I advise letting him go. Live your life and grow your own way, at your own speed. There are many young men out there who will fit your goal and your level perfectly. A little heartache now is a lot kinder than resentment later. After all, if it is fate that you really do want kids a year from now, chances are good that he may still be single then.
posted by curiousZ at 1:37 PM on January 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
If your boyfriend reacts that strongly to this topic, it's only because he is probably a couple of YEARS (perhaps decade) ahead of you in thinking and planning for this future. Even if you decide right now that you want kids, you would still be many years behind him in this department. And that would be fine, if you truly want kids. Motivated learners can catch up fast. But reluctant learners invariably fails. They get frustrated, recalcitrant and eventually, resentful, of the burden they didn't want. Don't be that person, especially where a young child is involved.
I advise letting him go. Live your life and grow your own way, at your own speed. There are many young men out there who will fit your goal and your level perfectly. A little heartache now is a lot kinder than resentment later. After all, if it is fate that you really do want kids a year from now, chances are good that he may still be single then.
posted by curiousZ at 1:37 PM on January 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Let him go. There is plenty of time for you to decide if you want kids or not; you need to take that time. This guy's timetable is just incompatible with yours. He's reasonable to let you know that he has this timetable, however accelerated it may be; it is also reasonable - smart in fact - for you to realize that this timetable doesn't work for you.
Letting him go doesn't mean you're deciding not to have kids, just that you know you're not ready to make the decision yet. It would be different if you were 32 instead of 22.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:36 PM on January 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
Letting him go doesn't mean you're deciding not to have kids, just that you know you're not ready to make the decision yet. It would be different if you were 32 instead of 22.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:36 PM on January 22, 2012 [2 favorites]
My reaction to this is that he was rather too quick to jump at the out you gave him to end the relationship. I wouldn't feel very good about being seen primarily as his baby-machine when I had only just begun to understand the enormity of romantic love and sexual desire. He might be opening you up to that world and it feels wonderful but it comes at the cost your own determination about your future choices. You've got good instincts in putting the brakes on this for now and if he needs to go find a baby-machine and has crossed you off the list because you didn't jump fast enough, you're well out of it.
Once you have learned about romantic love and sexual desire, the next thing to learn is that they are your attributes and not something he gives you. There is no reason to rush into this. You will continue to mature and your understanding of what you want will become more clear. He sounds like he was not very subtly dictating not only your future but also your timetable. That's a bit too one-sided, I'd think.
posted by Anitanola at 2:48 PM on January 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
Once you have learned about romantic love and sexual desire, the next thing to learn is that they are your attributes and not something he gives you. There is no reason to rush into this. You will continue to mature and your understanding of what you want will become more clear. He sounds like he was not very subtly dictating not only your future but also your timetable. That's a bit too one-sided, I'd think.
posted by Anitanola at 2:48 PM on January 22, 2012 [3 favorites]
I certainly can't make a commitment to definitely have children, or even get married. I feel that it's quite possible, but not in any way a guarantee.
This is a perfectly healthy opinion to have at age 22 (or really any age). I'd go so far as to say that you're exactly where you need to be on this issue: knowing your own views while admitting the possibility of change. If someone posted to AskMe saying "I'm 22 and OMG I want marriage and babies NOW" they would be deluged with people asking if they knew how serious these things were and urging them to loosen up, live a little, you've got years.
It might even be the case that you understand the serious, lifelong nature of these commitments better than he does at this point, since it's highly unrealistic of him to press you for guarantees. And it's his first relationship, so he doesn't know better, hence him slinging these ultimatums at you willy-nilly.
In answer to your actual questions:
It sounds as though you have the kind of mind which can focus on the now and not borrow trouble from the future. Unfortunately, for a relationship to be free of that kind of stress, both partners need to be able to adopt that mindset. This might be something for you to talk about with him when you have that conversation in three weeks.
How to know if you're going too far: examine your feelings closely for signs of relief at being quit of the whole clusterfuck. Likewise, if you get back with him and you feel even slightly oh-shit about it, or at all trapped, it was the wrong move.
Question 3 depends on him and whether he's able to truly focus on the present with you (per question 1). If he continues putting pressure on you, you will continue to feel pressured.
And yes, of course you should be clear and honest about your feelings. Ideally, both of you should. That way you can both make the best-informed decision possible. One thing I have learned in a chequered romantic career is: never pretend that you feel either more or less than you actually do, in order to please someone or in order not to "scare them off". Eventually the strain will tell.
Oh, and from an earlier answer: "If you get back together and you decide not to have children, he will hate you forever." This is way overdramatic. If you get back together and you decide not to have kids, the worst that can happen is that you'll break up again after however-much extra time together. If it's truly a relationship worth pursuing, neither of you will count that time as a loss.
I wish you luck with this as with everything.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:40 PM on January 22, 2012
This is a perfectly healthy opinion to have at age 22 (or really any age). I'd go so far as to say that you're exactly where you need to be on this issue: knowing your own views while admitting the possibility of change. If someone posted to AskMe saying "I'm 22 and OMG I want marriage and babies NOW" they would be deluged with people asking if they knew how serious these things were and urging them to loosen up, live a little, you've got years.
It might even be the case that you understand the serious, lifelong nature of these commitments better than he does at this point, since it's highly unrealistic of him to press you for guarantees. And it's his first relationship, so he doesn't know better, hence him slinging these ultimatums at you willy-nilly.
In answer to your actual questions:
It sounds as though you have the kind of mind which can focus on the now and not borrow trouble from the future. Unfortunately, for a relationship to be free of that kind of stress, both partners need to be able to adopt that mindset. This might be something for you to talk about with him when you have that conversation in three weeks.
How to know if you're going too far: examine your feelings closely for signs of relief at being quit of the whole clusterfuck. Likewise, if you get back with him and you feel even slightly oh-shit about it, or at all trapped, it was the wrong move.
Question 3 depends on him and whether he's able to truly focus on the present with you (per question 1). If he continues putting pressure on you, you will continue to feel pressured.
And yes, of course you should be clear and honest about your feelings. Ideally, both of you should. That way you can both make the best-informed decision possible. One thing I have learned in a chequered romantic career is: never pretend that you feel either more or less than you actually do, in order to please someone or in order not to "scare them off". Eventually the strain will tell.
Oh, and from an earlier answer: "If you get back together and you decide not to have children, he will hate you forever." This is way overdramatic. If you get back together and you decide not to have kids, the worst that can happen is that you'll break up again after however-much extra time together. If it's truly a relationship worth pursuing, neither of you will count that time as a loss.
I wish you luck with this as with everything.
posted by Pallas Athena at 3:40 PM on January 22, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
It sounds like he's ready to make a commitment to you, and you're not ready to reciprocate. If you're too young to settle down and have kids, you're too young, but based on your question, that sounds like the only thing that's preventing you guys from staying together.
posted by empath at 11:18 AM on January 22, 2012 [2 favorites]