How to move out of parents house?
January 17, 2012 2:17 PM   Subscribe

How to move out of parents house when your attending college with no money or job? I don't have clear goal in what I want to do.

I have been living with my parents all my life and they are not letting me grow up. Im always depressed when living them since they treat me like a child and pamper me everytime. I have Indian parents and they are hard to convince what I want. What they say is always right in their mind. I have been failing college last few years because I have not taken education seriously. My parents paid for all this and they still want me to continue even though I want to take a break from all of this. I don't have large group of friends and live in a depressing area. I have no money or don't know anyone else elsewhere. This semester just started and feel like I should just drop out of college since everything is the same and Im going to fail anyways. Im 22 years old and haven't accomplished anything in life.
posted by Parh6512 to Human Relations (10 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
What's stopping you from getting a job? Why aren't you taking your education seriously - is it a field you don't care about, or you just don't care about college in general? What do you mean by 'a depressing area'? If you move out will your parents stop paying for college? What would you do if you did drop out? What will happen if you fail - are you anywhere near getting kicked out, if you've been 'failing for a couple years'? Are your parents aware that you are failing, or that you want to take a break?
posted by jacalata at 2:23 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Some food for thought for you:

+ Get a job, any job, like yesterday.
+ Once you have a job, save save save up so you can move out.
+ Look for roommates, which will lower the cost of rent and maybe help you feel less lonely.
+ Have you thought about changing majors, or just taking some classes that aren't necessarily for your major, but just some that interest you?

Good luck!
posted by too bad you're not me at 2:38 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

1 - Find a job. It likely will be a crappy job to start with, especially as it seems like you have no work experience.

2 - Save up a few thousand dollars.

3 - Find a roommate via Craigslist or similar

4 - Find an "affordable" apartment (ie. it too is likely to be crappy)

5 - Move out, enjoy your freedom, miss the free food and rent and laundry.

6 - Decide if you really want to go to school or not.

7 - Figure out your life like the rest of us slobs.

good luck
posted by edgeways at 2:39 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

(or what too bad you're not me just said)
posted by edgeways at 2:39 PM on January 17, 2012

Parents will often treat you like a child for as long as you act like a child. If you want to move out, make a plan and follow through on it. You plan could be to get a job or get student loans (be verrry careful with that choice).

Your school should have supports for you like career and educational counselling (and possibly personal counselling too). Make appointments and find out your options. That should help you make realistic goals and outline the steps you need to take to achieve your goals.
posted by saucysault at 2:40 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]

I believe there are culture issues here that I am not qualified to address, but if they are concerned about your grades, then you might let them know that you need to live on campus, like in the dorms, in order to get better grades (even if you live close to campus). Is that something you've ever discussed with your parents?

Also, have you looked into any clubs on campus? Cultural clubs maybe? You are not the only person to have ever been in this situation. You would benefit from talking to other people who have had this issue, and see how they have dealt with it.
posted by jabberjaw at 3:00 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]

Get ready for the longest askme answer that you've ever read...

I would not recommend moving out until you have 1-2 grand set up for yourself and after talking to a counselor about how you feel.

I wanted to point out that the cultural expectation for many Indian families is to live with your parents until you get married and then move out. Often times, even then it's expected that parents will live with their kids and take care of each other after marriage too.

Your parents seem like they mean well, but you are unhappy (which is understandable) because of cultural barriers that make it difficult for you and your parents to bridge the gap between their wants and your wants.

As difficult as it is for you, you really need to start becoming more independent. It's terrifying with Indian parents (based on what my friend has told me) and it's also terrifying to a lot of people with immigrant parents or parents with different expectations that do not coincide with a kid's own expectations. But, you really need to break free from these confines that exist within the relationship. You need to do this by starting off small. For instance, my friend is 22 years old and yet her mother still wants her to contact her once she's reached a club or any other place that's not on campus. Things have been this way for her ever since we were kids. Although I have told her several times, but you need to cut the cord especially when it comes to certain things like this.

You need to learn how to start saying "no" more often in a firm, but kind way because otherwise you will seem like you are very unsure of yourself and your parents will more than likely try to steer you towards what they want because they will believe that they know what's better for you. Part of "convincing" them is letting them know that you know what's best for you because this is your life and you are an adult. But, being an adult based on society's expectations (especially in the Western society) means that you have to provide for yourself. Your parents may not like your decisions (I know they didn't like mine when I told them that I had decided to take a year off despite being one semester away from graduating), but you know what's best for you.

Speaking about knowing what's best for you, you don't seem like you enjoy being in school or want to be there. It seems like this has been going on for quite some time which suggests to me that you most likely need a break from school in order to re-energize and figure out your next steps. What do you want though? Do you want to go back to school? Do you like your program? Are you burnt out? Figure out how you feel about school, what you want to do for the next few years even and go from there.

This means that you need to get a job like yesterday (as someone else said), a lot of people have managed in school with a job even if their program is rigorous and time-consuming. Start providing more things for yourself such as paying for things like your cell phone bill or anything else that is small enough for you to afford and slowly ease your way into financial independence.

Let your parents know that you appreciate what they have done for you, but that you want to start paying for certain things. This is a true sign of cutting off the cord. It's hard for parents to accept, but you are not a bad person and neither are they it's just that certain cultural aspects are ingrained and it's expected that you will have a very co-dependent although well-meaning relationship when that doesn't have to be the case.

Don't worry about making friends right now, worry about providing for yourself in terms of financially and emotionally. I say this from experience, but it's very difficult to make friends when you are in a difficult place emotionally. This doesn't mean that you will never have a solid group of friends, but your main concern should be taking care of yourself.

Long story short: don't move out yet, get a job even if it's not some dream job, start paying for your own things little by little, and establish boundaries between yourself and your parents. Your parents seem like they want what's best for you, but the cultural barriers make it difficult for you and your parents to understand or accept each other's decisions.

For what it's worth, I used to feel VERY confined by my parent's expectations but doing the things that I mentioned such as moving away for school, getting a job, paying for everything on my own, etc... has helped me feel in control of my own life. I have also done a lot of other things such as framing situations differently and wording things in a direct but respectful way in order to change the dynamics and create a sense of boundaries now that I am an adult.

You just have to start small and change how you frame certain things. My siblings (29, 27, and 19) still live at my parent's place so I understand certain things and although I am only 21 and my life is different compared to my siblings, I would say that you can be independent or dependent regardless of whether or not you live with your parents.

Well, I hope this helps! Feel free to memail me if you need someone to talk to.
posted by livinglearning at 3:57 PM on January 17, 2012 [10 favorites]

I think that livinglearning has some good advice for you. I feel you need some different advice as well. This may sound harsh but you need to hear it. I believe your biggest problem is that what you have is a set of complaints instead of a set of plans. You don't like you college classes. What do you plan to do about it? You don't have any money. What do you plan to do about it? Can deal with what you consider to be overbearing parents. What do you plan to do about it?

Each of the the problems you laid out are really quite simple. They are not things that you can simply have happen instantly or that someone can simply tell you how to fix. But each of them you can solve with a plan, with effort and with reasonable expectations and the expenditure of time.

Sit down with your parents. Explain your feelings. They will not agree with you. But without that discussion, they will not even know your frustration. After several of those discussions, they may slowly start to see the reality of your feelings.

Assess what part of your schooling is bothering you. Is it being in school at all or the class load? Is it one particular type of class or the major you are pursuing? What is bothering you and what can you do to solve it? This is called forming a plan.

Maybe altering your school schedule will give you an opportunity to get a part-time job. If so, find something that will not detract from your ability to succeed at your remaining school studies. Try to succeed at all of the things you attempt. The money you bring home? Put the majority of it into savings.

When you have a savings account set up then you can plan when you can set up an outside living situation for yourself. Right now you are dependent upon your parents. Don't struggle with that. Be happy that they are there for you. Plan for the time when you can be independent. Learn what it will take to live on your own. Save up for that time. Set aside those funds. Then you have a goal and a date to look forward to instead of a set of frustrations that you see now.
posted by Old Geezer at 8:55 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]

Your school will probably be able to provide you with counseling. Look into that. You don't have to tell your parents. Just go talk to someone. Your health insurance may cover counseling.

You have repeatedly asked questions here saying you feel depressed, isolated and directionless, you're floundering in school, you're having trouble separating from your parents. There is only so much a bunch of strangers on the Internet can tell you, and as much good advice as you've gotten, it seems you're not in a position to take it. Call up your school's Dean of Students office, or Student Life, or whatever it's called, and ask how you can get access to counseling.
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:08 AM on January 18, 2012

If you're not doing well in school and don't REALLY want to be there, quit. Get a job and start living. School will be there in a year (or three, or twenty) if you decide to return.

(I moved out at 16 and put myself through college, so it's not like it's impossible. I can't imagine living with parents. What could be more awful?)
posted by coolguymichael at 8:20 AM on January 18, 2012

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