What's your favorite line from "The Simpsons"
January 17, 2012 1:08 PM   Subscribe

My fiance and I are throwing a Simpsons-themed party not this not this Saturday but the next one. We're looking for 20-25 great lines/quotes from the show to use in the making of 20-25 custom T-shirts, each with a different quote on it. My favorite line comes courtesy of Homer: "Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand" Would love to hear others' favorites as well. Many thanks
posted by BadgerDoctor to Grab Bag (193 answers total) 39 users marked this as a favorite
 
My worm went into my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have another one?
--Ralph
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 1:11 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


i like my beer cold, my television loud, and my homosexuals fah-laming.
posted by entropone at 1:11 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


i hear this government thing goes all the way up to the president!
posted by entropone at 1:11 PM on January 17, 2012


Alcohol. The cause and solution to all of life's problems.
posted by seanyboy at 1:12 PM on January 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


You're only going to get more wrath. --Homer as Ganesh
posted by resurrexit at 1:13 PM on January 17, 2012


Every time I learn something new it pushes out something old. Remember when I took that home winemarking course and I forgot how to drive?
posted by entropone at 1:13 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


my cat's breath smells like cat food.
i cho-cho-choose you.

both ralph.
posted by misanthropicsarah at 1:14 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


"it's german. it says, 'the bart, the.'"
posted by entropone at 1:14 PM on January 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American Dream?
posted by dhens at 1:14 PM on January 17, 2012


I don't get mad. I get stabby
posted by stillnocturnal at 1:15 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Implosion?!?
posted by yellowbinder at 1:16 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


If I had my gun I'd shoot you. (that one might be too violent, but it's my husband's and my favorite!)
posted by OrangeDisk at 1:16 PM on January 17, 2012


"Augh, my eyes! The goggles do nothing!"
--Rainier Wolfcastle
posted by Rock Steady at 1:17 PM on January 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


You don't win friends with salad!

Give that man the $10,000!

Hello, Dean, you're a stupidhead!

Imflammable means flammable? What a country!
posted by benbenson at 1:18 PM on January 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


"Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream?"
posted by yellowbinder at 1:18 PM on January 17, 2012


"I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords."
posted by jeffmshaw at 1:19 PM on January 17, 2012 [12 favorites]


"Batman's a scientist."
posted by escabeche at 1:19 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


*!

There's something wrong with what my Stacey says.
posted by yellowbinder at 1:20 PM on January 17, 2012


Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!
posted by crunchland at 1:20 PM on January 17, 2012 [12 favorites]


“Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.”

and

Homer: Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

are personal faves.
posted by Captain_Science at 1:22 PM on January 17, 2012 [9 favorites]


I'm a gulch!

I ated the purple one

It tastes like burning

It tastes like Grandma

Me fail English? That's unpossible

[on a nametag] Super Nintendo Chalmers

What's a battle?

Who needs the infinite compassion of Ganesha when I can have Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman looking at me with THEIR DEAD EYES!

I was saying “Boo-urns.”

The goggles! They do nothing!

Linguo IS dead!
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 1:22 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Mmmmm! Forbidden Donut!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:22 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


"Duffman is thrusting in the direction of the problem"
"Duffman doesn't die, just the many who play Duffman"
posted by stillnocturnal at 1:22 PM on January 17, 2012


It isn't easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in eight hours of TV a day.

Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true!
posted by martinrebas at 1:23 PM on January 17, 2012


A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man
posted by pointystick at 1:23 PM on January 17, 2012 [14 favorites]


Saxamaphone... saxamaphone.
posted by activitystory at 1:23 PM on January 17, 2012


Oh god, this thread is dangerous.

"if the Bible has taught us nothing else -- and it hasn't -- it's that girls should stick to girl's sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"To alcohol! The cause of -- and solution to -- all of life's problems!"

"If you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.' "

"You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons."

"I want to share something with you: The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, Boss! Number 3: It was like that when I got here."
posted by easy, lucky, free at 1:23 PM on January 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman. (These are all good.)
posted by DarlingBri at 1:24 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also: "I don't know why; it’s a perfectly cromulent word"

"Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others" - Kang
posted by pointystick at 1:25 PM on January 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


"I would kill everyone in this room for one drop of sweet beer." -- Homer
posted by shallowcenter at 1:25 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Gin and tonic? Do they mix?

-Moe
posted by cider at 1:25 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Daddy's special soul donut"
"Mmmm... forbidden donut"
"You don't win friends with salad!"
"Stupid sexy Flanders"
"No TV and no beer make Homer go something something"
"Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone."
"Let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow."
"I choo-choo-choose you"
posted by radioaction at 1:26 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"We've tried nothing, and we're all out of ideas!"
posted by box at 1:26 PM on January 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


"I don't know why; it’s a perfectly cromulent word"

"My eye! The doctor told me not to get ______ in it."
posted by VTX at 1:28 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Woozle wuzzle?
posted by griphus at 1:28 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


One of my favorites was actually one of the t-shirts Bart made: "Adults suck then you are one."

Of course, here are more of Bart's t-shirts.
posted by General Malaise at 1:30 PM on January 17, 2012


Milhouse: Why do you have a social worker? I'm the one with stigmata
posted by readery at 1:30 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Excuse me, but 'proactive' and 'paradigm'? Aren't those just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?"
posted by box at 1:30 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Swank... ten times more addictive than marijuana. To human misery!"
posted by saladin at 1:31 PM on January 17, 2012


Duffman says a lot of things. OH YEAH!
posted by dhens at 1:31 PM on January 17, 2012


"Marge, it takes two to lie: one to lie, and one to listen." -- Homer Simpson

"Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos." -- Homer Simpson

"Is it a crime to want nice things and then to steal them from a public museum where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can gawk at them? I think not." -- C. Montgomery Burns

"Well, well, if it isn't the Tardy Boys and Nancy Clueless!" -- C. Montgomery Burns

"Lord Buddha, I know I'm not supposed to want stuff, but come on!" -- Lisa Simpson
posted by Sidhedevil at 1:32 PM on January 17, 2012


"strictly a comfort thing" [Homer on wearing women's underwear]
posted by etc. at 1:32 PM on January 17, 2012


When I grow up I'm going to Bovine University!
Hi! I'm Troy McClure!
That's why you're the judge and I'm the law talking guy.
Release the hounds.
Stupid bird, I never should have put you in charge.
Is a poop deck what I think it is?
posted by MoonOrb at 1:32 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Don't make fun of grad students. They just made a terrible life choice." Would be very popular in my crowd.
posted by juliapangolin at 1:33 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Can't sleep. Clown'll eat me.
posted by neilbert at 1:33 PM on January 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


Nobody snuggles with Max Power, Marge. You strap yourself in and feel the Gs.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:34 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


"I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-T."
"It's chow-da, not chow-dair!"
posted by foxjacket at 1:34 PM on January 17, 2012


"Can't Sleep; clown will eat me!" - Bart

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat? " - Lionel Hutz
posted by pointystick at 1:34 PM on January 17, 2012


"Let me set the record straight: I thought the police officer was a prostitute."
posted by box at 1:35 PM on January 17, 2012


"Now Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson Airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson Starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons Project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft. "
posted by bondcliff at 1:35 PM on January 17, 2012


"Woo Hoo! Four Day Weekend!"

(taken out of context it's not too funny, but anyone who knows the show will get it)
posted by bondcliff at 1:36 PM on January 17, 2012


"Bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world."
posted by bondcliff at 1:36 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I bent my Wookie.
posted by neilbert at 1:37 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Homer: "Well, I may not know much about God, but I have to say we built a pretty nice cage for Him."
posted by imalaowai at 1:38 PM on January 17, 2012


"I don't even believe in Jebus!"
posted by box at 1:39 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]




Homer: "In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!"
posted by bz at 1:42 PM on January 17, 2012 [9 favorites]


Maybe too long for a t-shirt, but always my favorite: "Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer kills brain cells! Now let's go back to that ... building ... thingie ... where our beds and TV ... is."
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:43 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


"I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro?"

"It's like a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited!"

"No one who speaks German could be an evil man!"

"They sing without juicers? They sing without blenders? They sing without flunjers, capdabblers, and smendlers?"

"I, for one, welcome our ant overlords"

THWAK! "ugggghhh"


You could also do paired shirts-

"DENTAL PLAN"/"Lisa needs braces"

"Lord Palmerston!"/"Pitt the Elder!"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:45 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Worst t-shirt ever!
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 1:45 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


"Rock stars is there anything they don't know?" and "You don't win friends with salad." From Lisa the Vegetarian.

"Donuts is there anything they can't do?" and "I call the big one Bitey." From Marge vs. the Monorail
posted by ephemerista at 1:46 PM on January 17, 2012


Comic Book Guy: A sarcasm detector, that's a real useful invention.
posted by oh really at 1:47 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh, and of course:

"Everything's coming up Milhouse!"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 1:47 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


oh, also --
Kirk van Houten: I'm a superstar at the cracker factory!

and --
Milhouse: Everything's coming up Milhouse!
posted by oh really at 1:49 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"I dress myself!"
posted by dismas at 1:49 PM on January 17, 2012


"Operator! Get me the number for 911!"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'"

"I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!"

"Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover."
posted by carmicha at 1:49 PM on January 17, 2012


Skinner: "There's no justice like angry mob justice."

Homer: "Ah, the Miracle Mile, where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye."

Smithers: "She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell."
posted by ryanshepard at 1:52 PM on January 17, 2012


Probably too long for a shirt, but:

Homer: Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Post Office Worker: Okay. What's your first name, Mr. Burns?
Homer: ...I don't know.
posted by neilbert at 1:55 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the things? The things?"
posted by box at 1:57 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


I think he's talking to you
posted by jeffch at 1:59 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"I see you've played Knifey Spooney before."
posted by Rock Steady at 2:01 PM on January 17, 2012 [5 favorites]


"Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!"
posted by Rock Steady at 2:02 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Welcome Thrillho
posted by illenion at 2:02 PM on January 17, 2012


building ... thingie ... where our beds and TV ... is.

Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

Ooh, a sextet of ale.

My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Forbearance is the watchword. That triumvirate of Twinkies merely overwhelmed my resolve.

Marge, where's that metal dooey use to... dig... food?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 2:04 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"This is my sandbox, I'm not allowed to go in the deep end." -- Ralph

"The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time" -- Grandpa Simpson

"And I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet." -- Homer
posted by mce at 2:05 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Homer: Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.

Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away
posted by Chenko at 2:05 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Yup, here's your problem. Someone set this thing to 'Evil'"

"Heidely-ho, slaverinos!"

"Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may know me from such movies as 'Gladys the Groovy Mule' and 'The President's Neck is Missing'"
posted by mosk at 2:06 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Bake 'em away, Toys" has got to be my all-time favourite line.
posted by custard heart at 2:09 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Whos that baby deer on the lawn there?"
posted by Busmick at 2:10 PM on January 17, 2012


"I say the phone company made that film on purpose!"
posted by General Tonic at 2:10 PM on January 17, 2012


"On Rand McNally, they wear hats on their feet, and hamburgers eat people!"

"I'd 'ave called them chazwozzers!"

"Ach! Das wagon-phone ist eine nuisance-phone!"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:11 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Kirk Van Houten : " I sleep in a racecar, where do you sleep?"
Homer: "I sleep in a comfortable bed with my wife"
posted by Busmick at 2:12 PM on January 17, 2012


If you need me, I'll be in my room.
posted by Elizabeth907 at 2:13 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Hello, I'm Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me."
posted by Elizabeth907 at 2:15 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Oh god! First, you think of an idea that has already been done! And then, you give it a title that nobody could possibly like!! Didn't you...

...not like it wasn't on the best-seller list for 18 months!
And on the cover of every...

...one of the most popular movies of all time! What were
you thinking?!

I mean, thank you, come again.

-Apu
posted by General Tonic at 2:15 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I was saying "Boo-urns."
posted by Elizabeth907 at 2:17 PM on January 17, 2012




Burns: I suggest you leave immediately.

Homer: Or what? You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead—do your worst!
posted by photovox at 2:18 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


"You killed Zombie Flanders!"

"Flanders is a zombie?"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:22 PM on January 17, 2012


Of God, I nearly forgot my all-time favorite one: "Bury me... at Makeout Creek."
posted by saladin at 2:23 PM on January 17, 2012


You need 24 one-liners and one shirt with the entirety of this:

We can't bust heads like we used to, but we have our ways. One trick is to tell 'em stories that don't go anywhere - like the time I caught the ferry over to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for my shoe, so, I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Give me five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where were we? Oh yeah: the important thing was I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. They didn't have white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
posted by Hollywood Upstairs Medical College at 2:24 PM on January 17, 2012 [13 favorites]


"HI DR. NICK!"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 2:25 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Maybe too late but...

Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"
posted by hot_monster at 2:25 PM on January 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


"I haven't felt this relaxed and carefree since I was watch commander at Pearl Harbor." - Grampa Simpson
posted by blob at 2:30 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Hi, everybody!
posted by JJtheJetPlane at 2:30 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"sacrelicious!"
posted by supermedusa at 2:34 PM on January 17, 2012 [4 favorites]


To the most beautiful moment in life, Better than a deed, better than a memory, the moment... of anticipation!
posted by JJtheJetPlane at 2:35 PM on January 17, 2012


Ones that get said in my house quite often:

"Inflammable means flammable? What a country!" -- Dr. Nick

"Homer, you've got it set on whore!" -- Marge, when Homer fires his makeup shotgun

"Boo-urns, boo-urns." -- Smithers

"No TV and no beer make Homer something something" -- Homer

Homer: Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?
Moe: Booze, booze, and more booze.
Lenny: Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away. (We use this last line frequently by itself.)

"Alright now, you're overstimulated. Let's get some beer in you and then it's right to bed." -- Marge

"When are they going to get to the fireworks factory?" -- Milhouse, who then starts bawling.
posted by lilac girl at 2:40 PM on January 17, 2012


"no beer and no tv make homer go crazy"
posted by supermedusa at 2:41 PM on January 17, 2012


Oh, and how could I forget:

Ned: Who wants popsicles?
Maude: Unflavored for me!

and

"Stupid babies need the most attention!"
posted by lilac girl at 2:43 PM on January 17, 2012


Now I'm Prune Tracy!
posted by box at 2:48 PM on January 17, 2012


Marge: C'mon Homer, Japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon.
Homer: That's not how I remember it!
posted by kimota at 2:48 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Eat up Martha.

The ironing is delicious.

Nobody's gay for Moleman.
posted by kimota at 2:50 PM on January 17, 2012


Homer: "But I'm angry now."
(When told there was a waiting period to buy a gun.)
posted by perhapses at 2:50 PM on January 17, 2012


Milhouse: [Remember the time he ate my goldfish? And you lied and said I never had goldfish.] Then why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?
posted by kimota at 2:51 PM on January 17, 2012


Smithers, massage my brain!
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 2:54 PM on January 17, 2012


"Don't you hate pants?" is the line that's always stuck with me.
posted by .kobayashi. at 2:56 PM on January 17, 2012


"Localized entirely within your kitchen?"

and

"THERE'S NO TIME!"
posted by neuromodulator at 2:58 PM on January 17, 2012


"Dammit, Smithers, it's brain surgery, not rocket science."
posted by theBigRedKittyPurrs at 3:02 PM on January 17, 2012


"Yes, I was drinking gasoline, MOTHER!"
posted by box at 3:03 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Remove the stone of shame. (Woo hoo!) Attach the stone of triumph! (Doh!)
posted by VTX at 3:10 PM on January 17, 2012


"Everything's coming up Miihouse!"
posted by GilloD at 3:18 PM on January 17, 2012


"You know I.M. Pei? I.M. impressed!" - oh, Lisa.
posted by iamkimiam at 3:21 PM on January 17, 2012


In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Also...
[Apu] The south shall cone again!
posted by neilbert at 3:31 PM on January 17, 2012


That's a paddlin'.
posted by neilbert at 3:35 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.
posted by qxntpqbbbqxl at 3:51 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


"five bees for a nickel" is classic (and referenced above)

"an electrified fooling machine"

"I don't see any tigers around, do you?"

"a single plum"

"a bad ... court thingy"

"bitey" (on an XL shirt)
posted by gauche at 4:03 PM on January 17, 2012


"lance ... uppercut"
posted by gauche at 4:06 PM on January 17, 2012


"jiminy jillikers!"
posted by gauche at 4:06 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"You did it Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack."
posted by emeiji at 4:18 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Dude, are you being sarcastic?"

"I don't even know any more."
posted by box at 4:28 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"I used to be with it, but then they changed what "it" was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's "it" seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you!"
posted by box at 4:29 PM on January 17, 2012 [6 favorites]


Spiderpig, spiderpig.
Does whatever a spiderpig does.
Can he swing from a web?
No. He can't; he's a pig.
Look out! Here comes the spiderpig!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:37 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


monorail!
monorail!
MONORAIL!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:38 PM on January 17, 2012 [3 favorites]


Also: UP AND AT DEM!
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 4:39 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


When I was 17, I had a very good beer...
posted by It's Raining Florence Henderson at 4:57 PM on January 17, 2012


"Call 1-800-DOCTORB! The 'B' is for 'bargains'!"
posted by Rock Steady at 5:17 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Homer: No TV and No Beer Make Homer something something.
Marge: Go Crazy?
Homer: Don't mind if I do!
posted by adorap0621 at 5:23 PM on January 17, 2012


"I thought he was a party robot."
posted by box at 5:29 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Hey! I am no longer illiterate!"
posted by box at 5:30 PM on January 17, 2012


Groundskeeper Willie: "Bonjourrrrrr... you cheese eating surrender monkeys!"
posted by Simon Barclay at 5:38 PM on January 17, 2012


Ralph (talking to Lisa): "My doctor said I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I kept my finger out of there."
posted by Simon Barclay at 5:39 PM on January 17, 2012


Lunch-lady Doris: "More testicles means more iron."
posted by Simon Barclay at 5:40 PM on January 17, 2012


Oh, one of the best:

"Why?! Why was I programmed to feel pain?!"
posted by neuromodulator at 5:43 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Our city will _not_ negotiate with terrorists! Is there a city nearby that will?" - Mayor Quimby
posted by Rodrigo Lamaitre at 5:44 PM on January 17, 2012


I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day. Now I'm lucky if I can find half an hour a week in which to get funky.

and

In your face, Space Coyote!!!

both Homer, natch
posted by Elly Vortex at 6:05 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"What you want is the hammock district."

"If you could kill somebody on your way out that would really help me a lot."
posted by That's Numberwang! at 6:11 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Poochie died on the way to his home planet.

Also:
Let's go crazy Broadway-style!
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 6:21 PM on January 17, 2012


Some choice Bart chalkboard quotations:

I will not eat things for money.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not eat things for money.

I will not encourage others to fly
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not encourage others to fly

Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.
Indian burns are not our cultural heritage.

I do not have power of attorney over first graders.
I do not have power of attorney over first graders.
I do not have power of attorney over first graders.

Nerve gas is not a toy.
Nerve gas is not a toy.
Nerve gas is not a toy.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 6:27 PM on January 17, 2012


The ants: "Freedom! Horrible, horrible freedom!"
posted by vespertine at 6:34 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was, and now what's 'it' seems strange and scary. It'll happen to you!

Who shot who in the what now? (Please don't use this, I'm reserving it for use as the name of my midnineties irrevent pop-punk-ska revival band, someday)

Me fail English? That's unpossible?

Prayer no more belongs in education than rational thought belongs in religion!

Does that sound like the actions of a man who'd had all he could eat?/ Arr, he be not a man, he be an eating machine!

They say he carved it from a bigger spoon!
posted by Ghidorah at 6:49 PM on January 17, 2012


Team Discovery Channel! (When we went to the physics olympics in high school, our team made TDC shirts.)
posted by zem at 7:36 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Now what is a wedding? Webster's dictionary defines a wedding as "the process of removing weeds from one's lawn or garden."
Son, a woman is a lot like a refrigerator: They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds, they make ice.
posted by Sys Rq at 7:47 PM on January 17, 2012


"What do you say we take a relaxed attitude towards work and watch the baseball match? The Nye Mets are my favorite squadron."
posted by Rock Steady at 7:47 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"It's gonna take a lot of fireworks to clean this place up." - Homer
posted by banwa at 7:55 PM on January 17, 2012


Bees are on the what now?

First you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
posted by Wild_Eep at 7:56 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Linguo IS dead.
posted by Wild_Eep at 7:57 PM on January 17, 2012


Pray for Mojo.
posted by Wild_Eep at 7:57 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Make way for Willie!
posted by Wild_Eep at 7:58 PM on January 17, 2012


Ralph: What's for lunch?
Lunchlady: Next!
Ralph: Chicken necks?
posted by samsaunt at 8:04 PM on January 17, 2012


"I'll ruin you like a Japanese banquet".

"Maybe we should kiss, just to break the tension".

"I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am!".
posted by the duck by the oboe at 8:08 PM on January 17, 2012


Suppose we’ve chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we’re just making him madder and madder.
posted by smcameron at 8:10 PM on January 17, 2012


mmmm .... floor pie
posted by samsaunt at 8:14 PM on January 17, 2012


It's funny 'cause I don't know him!

Lousy Smarch weather!

Ooh! Floor pie!

Ah wash mahself with a rag on a stick.

The Bible: It's the prankster's bible!

Mr. Plow, that's his name. That name again is Mr. Plow!
posted by artychoke at 8:15 PM on January 17, 2012 [2 favorites]


Two sides of the same coin:

"Trying is the first step towards failure."
"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."
posted by ikaruga at 8:57 PM on January 17, 2012


A little from column A and a little from column B.

But weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

It'll be a cold day in hell before I recognize Missouri.

That's a paddlin'.

I can't help but feel partly responsible.

(Bart:) Do you want an angry God or a Happy God? (Rod and Todd:) Happy God! Happy God!

So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time.

Mmm...sacrelicious.
posted by MoonOrb at 9:09 PM on January 17, 2012


It's just a little airborne! It's still good, it's still good!
posted by cardioid at 9:10 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


"Some of these must be duplicates."

(Marge is looking through a spice rack and actually says, "Or-e-gan-o...? Some of these must be duplicates." But, given the theme of your t-shirts, I think it would be funny if you had "Some of these must be duplicates" on 2-3 shirts and perhaps "Oregano" on 1 or 2 too.
posted by Chaussette and the Pussy Cats at 9:14 PM on January 17, 2012 [1 favorite]


Lisa: You're a little reticulated squirrel! Yes, you are! You're so reticulated!

Johnny Cash: I'm just your memory, Homer. I can't give you any new information.

Announcer: Next! ON BATTLING SEIZURE ROBOTS!
posted by fifteen schnitzengruben is my limit at 9:49 PM on January 17, 2012


Heheheheh....Gloopid Gloropope!
posted by buzzkillington at 11:57 PM on January 17, 2012


What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind. - Homer. the first episode
posted by be11e at 12:24 AM on January 18, 2012


"See my vest, see my vest, it's made of real gorilla chest."
posted by ellieBOA at 12:39 AM on January 18, 2012


"Rar rar!", she-bar [bear]; no one understands you.
posted by barnacles at 2:47 AM on January 18, 2012


Homer's brain: Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts!

Homer: Explain how!

Brain: Money can be exchanged for goods and services!


(different episode) Homer: All right brain, you don't like me and I don't like you, but just help me this one time and I promise I'll get back to killing you slowly with beer.

Fat Tony: What's a truck?
posted by Ghidorah at 3:02 AM on January 18, 2012 [2 favorites]


"The fingers you are using to dial are... too fat. Please mash the keypad now to obtain a special dialing wand."
posted by Rock Steady at 3:53 AM on January 18, 2012


Save me, Jebus!
posted by travellingincognito at 4:23 AM on January 18, 2012


Heh heh...mule.

Up and at them!

Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?

Hi, everybody!

Yoink!
posted by MoonOrb at 7:15 AM on January 18, 2012


"Mr. Plow is a loser, and I hear he is a boozer." / "Señor Plow no es Macho, es solamente un borracho"
posted by TheWhiteSkull at 7:51 AM on January 18, 2012


hair by frank lloyd wright (sung by apu re marge's hair)

burn that seat (said by krusty after homer's underwear gets caught in a unicycle)
posted by iboxifoo at 8:09 AM on January 18, 2012


I grow weary of your sexually-suggestive dancing. Bring me my ranch dressing hose!
posted by urbanlenny at 10:14 AM on January 18, 2012


"You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel."
posted by Turkey Glue at 10:58 AM on January 18, 2012


It fell off the truck truck truck!
posted by Green With You at 11:00 AM on January 18, 2012


Greatly abbreviated for T-Shirt usage:
"Delicious bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting."
posted by aramaic at 11:11 AM on January 18, 2012


Hi Principal Skinner! Hi Supernintendo Chalmers!
posted by Twicketface at 11:21 AM on January 18, 2012


So, judging by this thread, everyone on earth stopped watching The Simpsons at thet exact same time I did, no?
posted by neuromodulator at 11:29 AM on January 18, 2012 [6 favorites]


Marge, I agree with you -- in theory. In theory, communism works. In theory.

Suck like a fox!

No, Mother, it's just the Northern Lights!

Eventually they were rescued by, oh, let's say... Moe.
posted by mskyle at 11:37 AM on January 18, 2012


Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it. (Apu selling fireworks on the 4th of July)

I bent my Wookie. (Ralph after tripping and falling on his Star Wars toys.)

Yes, I'd like to send this letter to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 autogyro? (Mr. Burns at the Post Office.)
posted by Betelgeuse at 12:43 PM on January 18, 2012


Apu selling fireworks on the 4th of July

EXCUSE ME but that wasn't Apu. That was the proprietor of the Li'l Valu-Mart in Little Pwagmattasquarmsettport who coincidentally looked exactly like Apu.
posted by griphus at 12:47 PM on January 18, 2012


I would actually go for any/all of the whole "Northern Lights" exchange:

Skinner: [faking a yawn] Well, that was wonderful. Good time was had by all. I'm pooped.
Chalmers: Yes, I guess I should be --
[notes entire kitchen is on fire]
Good Lord, what is happening in there?
Skinner: Aurora Borealis?
Chalmers: Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? A this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Skinner: Yes.
Chalmers: May I see it?
Skinner: Oh, erm... No.

Skinner escorts Chalmers back outside.

Agnes: [offscreen] Seymour! The house is on fire!
Skinner: No, mother. It's just the Northern Lights.
posted by Betelgeuse at 12:48 PM on January 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Oh god. I can't stop:

"Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer Tax."

Bart: Hey, boy, you want to play fetch?
[Santa's Little Helper looks up, tired, then puts his head back down]
Aw. Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play any more since his bitch moved in.
Marge: Bart, don't ever say that word again!
Bart: Well, that's what she is. I looked it up.
Marge: Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me...
posted by Betelgeuse at 12:51 PM on January 18, 2012


I'm filled with piss and vinegar! At first I was just filled with vinegar.
posted by box at 1:00 PM on January 18, 2012


Wanna give Honest Abe another term in the Oval Office?
posted by box at 1:01 PM on January 18, 2012


No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
posted by box at 1:02 PM on January 18, 2012


I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.
posted by box at 1:03 PM on January 18, 2012


Well, a refreshingly frank response there from senator Bob Dole.
posted by box at 1:06 PM on January 18, 2012


"Mmmmm...unexplained bacon."

"Mmmmm...organized crime."

"Mmmmm...pointy."
posted by mosk at 1:41 PM on January 18, 2012


I'm Dick Tracy! Take that, Pruneface! Now I'm Pruneface! Take that, Dick Tracy! Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick—
posted by Sys Rq at 1:45 PM on January 18, 2012


They have the internet on computers now?

(not a quote, but will we find out which quotes made the cut?)
posted by neilbert at 6:03 PM on January 18, 2012


Don't trust anyone over 30! And now, Peter Frampton!
posted by killy willy at 8:54 PM on January 18, 2012


Let me have one of those porno magazines, large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a couple of those panty shields, and some illegal fireworks, and one of those disposable enemas... eh, make it two.
posted by killy willy at 8:59 PM on January 18, 2012 [1 favorite]


Bart: I'll dig an outhouse.
Lisa: I'll weed the floor.
Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling!
posted by killy willy at 9:03 PM on January 18, 2012


"Brevity is.....wit" (sign at Reader's Digest sponsored speech contest)
posted by Philemon at 7:33 PM on January 20, 2012


"You have selected 'regicide.' If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered, press one."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:35 AM on April 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


« Older The Childless Dating Those With Children   |   A is for Android Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.