How do I deal with rollercoaster relationship feelings?
January 12, 2012 6:31 AM Subscribe
I'm high as kite when I'm with "him" and feel like a junkie desperate for a fix when I'm not. How do I better manage these extreme feelings?
This has happened in every relationship I've ever been in. Even when I had been with my Ex for over three years, living together for over two (and even a relocation to a totally different city for one), I still felt extreme anxiety and fear when we were apart.
When we're together, or I know I'm going to see him, I feel calmER. When we're not, I can only imagine this is a fraction of what it must feel like when you're in withdrawal. Everything is a little grayer. Everyday tasks are more annoying. I'm distracted, on edge. I can't stop thinking about him. Nothing can fully pull me out of it, not even being around friends or family. A text from him will bring me back to life a little, almost like smoking pot while you wait for the heroin.
In the past two relationships, we jumped in head first and saw each other almost daily, so I didn't have as much time to myself for these lows to get so low.
Currently, I'm in a very casual situation where we'll go days not having contact and because of his ever-changing schedule, I never really know when I'm going to see him next.
The uncertainty in combination with my own obvious problems is making me extremely manic.
Have you ever experienced this? How did you manage it?
(I've been in and out of therapy for over ten years and while this issue was addressed, it was never sorted out. I have no qualms about going back, just looking for others who may have insight. AKA, I know what this is rooted in, now I just need to figure out how to deal with it.
This has happened in every relationship I've ever been in. Even when I had been with my Ex for over three years, living together for over two (and even a relocation to a totally different city for one), I still felt extreme anxiety and fear when we were apart.
When we're together, or I know I'm going to see him, I feel calmER. When we're not, I can only imagine this is a fraction of what it must feel like when you're in withdrawal. Everything is a little grayer. Everyday tasks are more annoying. I'm distracted, on edge. I can't stop thinking about him. Nothing can fully pull me out of it, not even being around friends or family. A text from him will bring me back to life a little, almost like smoking pot while you wait for the heroin.
In the past two relationships, we jumped in head first and saw each other almost daily, so I didn't have as much time to myself for these lows to get so low.
Currently, I'm in a very casual situation where we'll go days not having contact and because of his ever-changing schedule, I never really know when I'm going to see him next.
The uncertainty in combination with my own obvious problems is making me extremely manic.
Have you ever experienced this? How did you manage it?
(I've been in and out of therapy for over ten years and while this issue was addressed, it was never sorted out. I have no qualms about going back, just looking for others who may have insight. AKA, I know what this is rooted in, now I just need to figure out how to deal with it.
What's it like when you're single? Are you happy and calm when you're alone, or do you have the gray feeling all the time?
posted by decathecting at 6:48 AM on January 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 6:48 AM on January 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have experienced this, a lot -- especially in my late teens/early 20s.
To some extent, I feel like I've matured out of a lot of it (lucky break! Just hang on and some of the intensity will fade!).
But other things that help were knowing that part of it is biology -- your body has a drive to find a mate and procreate and be safe from the lions or whatever. Not relevant in today's world, but the base stuff is still driving in your cells. So you notice it's there and disregard it.
And we're shown from an early age that ROMANCE FIXES EVERYTHING . . . so your subconscious is determined to believe that love will make you whole -- and it's fascinating to realize that even when you see the lie, part of you [me] is still invested in it despite yourself. Again, I acknowledge it and tell the belief to go away. It comes back, I keep pushing it away, after a week or so the thoughts lay off a bit.
After all that, I began focusing on how to feel whole and secure all by myself -- figuring out what made me happy and doing more of it; self-esteem work, having a couple friends to have fun with, etc, etc. AskMeFi is filled with good stuff on that. It's normal to long for someone, but it crosses into unhealthy when you can't experience fulfillment unless they are involved. So take deep breaths and keep trying new stuff, keep telling yourself that these feelings will pass, and let yourself enjoy what's good for you.
What gets even MORE 'fun' is a little bit later -- when you know you have some crazy impulses, and you have to decipher which ones are rational/valid/fair to both parties in the relationship, and which ones are insecurity. For instance, I think you kind-of have a right to know when you're going to see or hear from him next -- that you deserve to know that you're important enough to schedule in, even if it's only a five minute call between 6-12 next Tuesday.
But yeah, in the end I feel like what made the most difference was determination mixed with time to grow into the next stage of development.
Good luck!
posted by MeiraV at 7:33 AM on January 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
To some extent, I feel like I've matured out of a lot of it (lucky break! Just hang on and some of the intensity will fade!).
But other things that help were knowing that part of it is biology -- your body has a drive to find a mate and procreate and be safe from the lions or whatever. Not relevant in today's world, but the base stuff is still driving in your cells. So you notice it's there and disregard it.
And we're shown from an early age that ROMANCE FIXES EVERYTHING . . . so your subconscious is determined to believe that love will make you whole -- and it's fascinating to realize that even when you see the lie, part of you [me] is still invested in it despite yourself. Again, I acknowledge it and tell the belief to go away. It comes back, I keep pushing it away, after a week or so the thoughts lay off a bit.
After all that, I began focusing on how to feel whole and secure all by myself -- figuring out what made me happy and doing more of it; self-esteem work, having a couple friends to have fun with, etc, etc. AskMeFi is filled with good stuff on that. It's normal to long for someone, but it crosses into unhealthy when you can't experience fulfillment unless they are involved. So take deep breaths and keep trying new stuff, keep telling yourself that these feelings will pass, and let yourself enjoy what's good for you.
What gets even MORE 'fun' is a little bit later -- when you know you have some crazy impulses, and you have to decipher which ones are rational/valid/fair to both parties in the relationship, and which ones are insecurity. For instance, I think you kind-of have a right to know when you're going to see or hear from him next -- that you deserve to know that you're important enough to schedule in, even if it's only a five minute call between 6-12 next Tuesday.
But yeah, in the end I feel like what made the most difference was determination mixed with time to grow into the next stage of development.
Good luck!
posted by MeiraV at 7:33 AM on January 12, 2012 [2 favorites]
Great advice in here. I just wanted to add that you'll be happy to know that this has a name and pretty good history on AskMe.
posted by griphus at 7:47 AM on January 12, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by griphus at 7:47 AM on January 12, 2012 [4 favorites]
These don't deal specifically with relationships, but I've found the books The Wisdom of Uncertainty (Alan Watts) and Comfortable with Uncertainty (Pema Chodron) to be immensely helpful for dealing with anxiety. You will feel as free as a bird when you learn to accept uncertainty and change in all areas of your life. It will be a great weight lifted off of you.
posted by desjardins at 8:35 AM on January 12, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 8:35 AM on January 12, 2012 [5 favorites]
My mom is going through something like this right now with her fiancé. She's found out through therapy that she's co-dependent and relies on her relationship (its a bad one) to make her feel whole.
So maybe you could do therapy and see if that's your problem?
posted by Sweetmag at 8:49 AM on January 12, 2012
So maybe you could do therapy and see if that's your problem?
posted by Sweetmag at 8:49 AM on January 12, 2012
I have recently been seeing addiction in a new light due to some recent books, and increasingly I feel it's most closely related to the absence of solid, predictable social integration. So while "learn to be alone" has a good ring to it -- and it is a thing you really ought to learn to be ok with, for some periods of time -- I also think part of the solution to stabilizing yourself is to build a stable social identity with a sufficient variety of people who are themselves going to be stable forces in your life. Not just sexual stimulant-high "relationships" that are fraught with thrills and uncertainty. Family. Friendships. Relationships that grow out of spiritual practices, political activities, hobbies, shared interests, etc. People you're proud to be connected to and will share life's ups-and-downs with, no matter what their mood.
posted by ead at 8:52 AM on January 12, 2012 [20 favorites]
posted by ead at 8:52 AM on January 12, 2012 [20 favorites]
This happened with me and the only way I started to get over my limerence was when I had a dream that we had "broken up". I then started seeing him as just a man all over again but still liked him! However, if we didn't break up in my dream, I would have still been a stuttering mess when talking to him. Now, I feel like myself again thus it caused our relationship to go to a new level once the limerence was taken away.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 8:57 AM on January 12, 2012
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 8:57 AM on January 12, 2012
Oh, and I'd also like to recommend the book Women, Sex and Addiction by Charlotte Kasl. It's not just about sex, there's a lot about love and relationship addiction there as well. Even if you don't consider yourself an "addict" per se, it will give you food for thought and concrete strategies to handle this.
posted by desjardins at 9:50 AM on January 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by desjardins at 9:50 AM on January 12, 2012 [1 favorite]
As a recovering addict, I thought for a long time my problems were the alcohol/drugs, but when I went to treatment and put all the substances down for a period of time, I realized that those things were just symptoms of other underlying issues for me. I can become addicted to people just like substances and from what I've been taught there are a lot of hormones/chemicals released in relationships that can be just like drugs! (See oxytocin) For me, learning to be in a healthy relationship took a lot of work on myself and finding out why I was engaging in self destructive behaviors. Before I could be loving to anyone else, I had to learn to even like and then love me. (Sounds cliche but it's true!) Also for me the 12 step programs changed and saved my life.
posted by heatherly at 1:35 PM on January 12, 2012
posted by heatherly at 1:35 PM on January 12, 2012
I absolutely, positively am not a doctor and don't make any claims for how this would work for you, if at all, but I've been taking Wellbutrin for the past few months and have seen VAST improvement in this arena. I am also continuing to work with a therapist on identifying patterns and strengthening my self-esteem, but the medication has helped level me out a bit so I'm not on that emotional roller coaster all the time.
posted by sarahsynonymous at 4:53 PM on January 12, 2012
posted by sarahsynonymous at 4:53 PM on January 12, 2012
I don't think this is limerance if in past relationships it lasted three years. To add another internet stranger's guess to the mix, is there some sort of fear of abandonment thing going on ("extreme anxiety and fear when we were apart"), maybe based on past experience? Is there some way that realizing the fear isn't really about him that might help?
Also, the book desjardins mentioned is supposed to really be great.
posted by salvia at 10:40 PM on January 12, 2012
Also, the book desjardins mentioned is supposed to really be great.
posted by salvia at 10:40 PM on January 12, 2012
The "uncertainty" you feel around when your next interaction will be may well indicate a critical absence of trust and good will in the relatiosnhip, and a red flag that you have become emotionally attached to someone that is not safe to be your partner.
The same thing that is helping you is also hurting you. You absolutely have the power to end this: you must become more tired of the rollercoaster than you are fond of getting high.
Love isn't supposed to be so painful.
posted by macinchik at 12:00 AM on January 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
The same thing that is helping you is also hurting you. You absolutely have the power to end this: you must become more tired of the rollercoaster than you are fond of getting high.
Love isn't supposed to be so painful.
posted by macinchik at 12:00 AM on January 15, 2012 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Honestly, I think the only thing which will help you in the long term is to go back to your therapist (or a different one if the previous was unhelpful) and explain all of this to them. Explain that you need this issue sorted. You need a professional to guide you through this.
In the short term: do you have any hobbies you particularly enjoy? Anything you can throw yourself into and distract yourself? Maybe you could take up a sport, something physical you can use to switch your brain off and tire yourself out.
posted by fight or flight at 6:44 AM on January 12, 2012 [1 favorite]