Do women care about personality more than looks?
January 10, 2012 9:11 PM   Subscribe

Do women really care about personality? I don't have any experience with women. I've talked to women of course, but never been in a real relationship, friends or otherwise. I usually talk to girls I know online, because I have a lot of anxiety and its way easier that way. They end up liking me a lot, but only when I talk to them online. I'm normally to scared to talk to them in person.

I'm a little bit overweight, and I'm out of shape. I'm a computer guy, I don't go out a lot at all. I am nice though, and I've been told I have a good personality. Though I've also heard being a nice guy gets you nowhere. If some women could respond that would be good but I don't care.
posted by johnx to Human Relations (10 answers total)

This post was deleted for the following reason: Ask Metafilter has no answers about All Women/Men/Other; please contact us if you need help formulating a question we can help you with. -- taz

Well, you'll probably get many more insightful comments than this, but, for starters, women are not a monolithic group. Some women care about their partner's personality, other care about their partner's income, others about their partner's appearance, others about their partner's political beliefs, etc.

What you need to do is find a woman who cares about you for what you bring to the table. Easier said than done, of course, but don't get hung up on what the mythical woman wants. Figure out what kind of woman you want to attract.
posted by dfriedman at 9:15 PM on January 10, 2012

There are no general rules. There is, though, an empirical fact, which is that lots of overweight, anxious computer guys do get married. You probably know some of them. I think you should ask them how it worked.
posted by escabeche at 9:16 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Of course, yes, women care about personality. Is that really your question? Or is your question, 'how should i talk to women?'

When people say "being a nice guy gets you nowhere", they are usually feeling cynical and usually mean that young women are often more attracted to men with exciting personalities, rather than a 'nice' (boring) guy. They don't really mean that women don't care if men are nice.
posted by Kololo at 9:17 PM on January 10, 2012

I'd say you need to figure out what kind of woman *you* would like to spend time with, and start from there.
posted by feistycakes at 9:17 PM on January 10, 2012

It truly depends on the woman. Since you don't know which women prioritize personality over looks, you have no choice but to talk to us. This is the only way to find out if a woman is single and will fancy you.
When I met my husband, he too was a little out of shape. I was a little overweight. And we had and have a great rapport, which means we rarely run out of stuff to talk about with each other. I'd rather have that than a toothpaste model any day of the week.
So get out there, be yourself practicing conscientous grooming, and have a good time. You might not meet the lady of your dreams, but if you're having fun it doesn't matter a terrible lot.
posted by pickypicky at 9:17 PM on January 10, 2012

All neurotypical people care about personality. People also care about other things to a lesser or greater extent. There is great variety.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 9:18 PM on January 10, 2012

All different kinds of women like all different types of men. There are no rules about this. The only truth is that there are tons of women out there who will like you for your good qualities.
posted by dchrssyr at 9:18 PM on January 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

Women are people. Do you care about personality as well as looks? Sounds like you do if you're getting to know these people online.

Yes, women are not a monolithic group, and plenty of out of shape computer guys have great relationships. I too know these guys, and most of them don't have the attitude that being a nice guy gets you nowhere. They also care about personality as well as looks in their partners.
posted by sweetkid at 9:28 PM on January 10, 2012

I think that thinking of women as a monolithic group - as a frightening and hot foreign other - is not helping you out. Women are like men in that each woman is different, and wants something different. Women are also like men in that they have different interests, and you will click with some and not others. When you meet a woman, it might help you not to categorize her first as a woman, but as an individual who may or may not click with you. It puts a whole lot of pressure on you, her, and the situation to believe that the most important thing that could result in any given encounter is opposite-sex attraction.

Nice guys get somewhere, but Nice Guys TM get nowhere. Don't be this guy.
posted by UniversityNomad at 9:28 PM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Yes, women care about personality. As looks are the first thing you know about any person you meet in meatspace, looks matter. But looks are only a fraction of who you are, and who you are matters the most. Looks can be manipulated, anyway - it's more important and noticeable to many people that someone is clean and doesn't smell, or someone is dressed appropriately, and so forth.

One of the most important things you could do to be successful in seeking friends or relationships with women is to truly understand that women aren't some mysterious "other". Women are people. Recognize them as people, unique and individual. This question is off-putting in its tone, because it projects that you don't seem to think that; I posit to you that this would be probably more off-putting to anyone you seek to build a friendship or relationship with than your weight or looks.
posted by flex at 9:29 PM on January 10, 2012

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