How did you know when it was time to go from being in a Long Distance Relationship to being in a Short Distance Relationship?

January 10, 2012 9:27 AM

I am in a relationship with the most wonderful person. However, a job has taken me 3 hours away from him, and we're at the point in which we're struggling to see how this LDR will eventually work out for us. A flurry of snowflakiness within.

About a year and a half ago I started dating a really wonderful guy. We hit it off immediately. We're both professionals in our early/mid thirties. He has a house (almost paid off), he has been at the same company for 10 years (he likes his work, he's good at it, he likes his coworkers, and he gets paid a whole bunch), and most of his family is nearby. I finished my Masters four years ago and have been clawing my way up the ladder ever since. I was working at a good job in the same city as him, when my Dream Job came open. Unfortunately, it was in a town about 3 hours away.

We had only been dating for about eight months when I got the job offer. We both agreed that it would be ridiculous for me to turn it down. My previous position was high-stress, the new one would be lower-stress as well as a step up the ladder...to the top landing, actually. I work in an industry where such jobs don't just fall out of the sky. We agreed that I would be a fool to turn it down, even though it meant that we would be living apart. So I moved, and we've been doing the long-distance thing ever since.

I've been in the new job/new town for about six months, and I think it's going to be just great. I don't know a lot of people yet, but the area is beautiful (small resort town, lots of nature), there's a big city nearby (30 minutes) so I'm not completely in the middle of nowhere, and I like my job. It was, essentially, a stellar career move to take this job and the location couldn't be better. The only two things wrong are that I am renting a crappy little apartment and want a house...and that my boyfriend isn't here.

I'm in a good enough financial position to purchase a house, and the market in my town is phenomenal for a buyer - many for sale properties...mostly second homes and cabins that people have lost during the recession. I have dreamed about buying a house for over a decade. I made myself wait until the New Year to even begin looking - and I planned on not even DREAMING about plopping down money until after the first of spring.

So, boyfriend came up to visit last weekend. My real estate agent had some houses for me to look at, so he came along. One of them was *perfect*. Everything looked great...except that my boyfriend was kind of stand-offish about the whole thing. After we got back to my apartment I asked him what was up. He said that he "can't see where there'd be a place for him in my town", and that he was happy where he was (his house, his job, close to his family) and was terrified of giving up all of that to move. Even if the move was years down the road, he couldn't see himself moving up here to be with me. What would there be for him up here? Just me, maybe a new job (new coworkers, new work...lots of newness to stress him out)? There is the big city nearby and he acknowledges that there would be opportunities for him there, but he's super-apprehensive about the mere idea of making a big move.

We're on the same page in many ways: we have similar life goals (travel, volunteering, watching baseball), we have similar ideas about finances, and we get excited about the same things. We are also on the same page in that neither one of us wants to have kids, so there is no tick-tick-tick of the biological clock to worry about. We have talked about marriage but it's not really on the radar. Neither of us is in a hurry to race down the aisle. If for no other reason, "not being married" keeps our mothers off of our backs with questions about grandchildren. :)

tl;dr

He can't imagine moving up here to be with me, because I live in a small town without a lot of opportunity (although there is a big city nearby), his family would be far away, he wouldn't know anybody, and he'd have to give up his job which he loves/he's good at/has great coworkers/gets paid a lot of money.

I can't imagine moving back to his city, because I just got this incredible job, I love the area I moved to, and I really want to put roots down here by buying a house and becoming a permanent member of this community.

We want to be together, but neither of us wants to be in a LDR forever.

We both totally understand the other's feelings about this.

What do we do? Do I buy a house and set down roots, only to have to uproot again because we want to be together but he won't move up here (that doesn't seem fair to me)? Does he give up his house, job, and local family to start over up here with the only draw being me (that doesn't seem fair to him)? Do we keep on keepin' on in an LDR for the interminable future until...what? Until something happens?

If you were in an LDR and needed to make the decision to move closer together, how did you do it? When did you make that decision? Who made the move, and why? What happened afterwards? Was there any resentment about it?

Thanks, Mefites. We really do love each other and want to be together, but we also respect each others careers and dreams.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (20 answers total)

Sounds like you know how this is going to end already. Just work towards a pleasant-ish breakup.
posted by MangyCarface at 9:35 AM on January 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

I gave up this fantasy I had of a dazzling roadwarrior career for love, and I never wanted to be the type of person who did that. But I fell in love, got married, moved to the US, and live in an area I'm not crazy about and am often itching to leave. But I also know that no place would really be all that much fun without him, and while my job is not exactly what I hoped it would be in terms of excitement (I doubt any job would be for me---I'd love to be an heiress to a chocolate fortune), I'm pretty happy with my choices.

But I never once felt split---like I was choosing between the two. I think my mind had been made up the instant I fell in love. I also know that there wasn't any reality to my career fantasy, and we had just finished graduate school, so we were in the same position and building out of that.

If I'd had a job I loved and a house and been older, maybe it would have been different. It sounds to me like you really like where you are right now.

You don't have to make any decisions or figure out anything right now. You guys have a routine going now. Maybe in a few years, something will change.
posted by anniecat at 9:37 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

You have no control over his end of things, only what you want and need. You have to decide whether you value your job or your relationship more. Relationships always involve compromise, so you have to make one or... not.

Personally, I wouldn't choose a particular job over the love of my life, but maybe that's not exactly what's going on here.
posted by devymetal at 9:38 AM on January 10, 2012

It's a simple matter of determining what your priorities are. That is all:

If your priority is your career(s), then it's not compatible with your relationship, so your relationship has to give.

If your priority is your relationship, then it's not compatible with your careers, so your careers have to give.

But, we are human, so of course it isn't that simple, that's all this is about.
posted by TinWhistle at 9:38 AM on January 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

I ended up leaving a lucrative job to move across the country to be with the man I loved. My job prospects haven't been as great (or well-paying) as before, but we've made a living and I don't regret my decision. We've been married for 9 years. I had a friend who did a similar thing and within a year they had broken up and she was a single mom.

I'd advise you to try to hold it together (or break up, but remain close friends) for now, stay with your company for a while, getting experience and salary under your belt. Keeping looking for jobs closer to him. Save as much money as possible in the interim in case you take a salary cut. (I'm advising you to move back close to him because he has more than you anchoring him there. It may also prove to be easier in case he has to care for his parents at some point.)
posted by parilous at 9:45 AM on January 10, 2012

Buy a house! Settle in!

You are not quitting this job anytime soon, right? If you want to buy and the market is good - I say go for it. In a resort town, you can always rent out the property or sell it altogether if you decide to move.

----
About the guy... You sound "good" together, but it takes being great together to really make it work, marriage-wise. Then again, I've also known marrieds that have lived on opposite coasts for work for a few years and successfully stayed together...
------

I think when the time comes, you'll know what to do about the guy. In the meantime, find and buy a house that you love.

Enjoy!
posted by jbenben at 9:47 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I agree that you just have to decide what your priorities are. It sounds like your job is your priority right now and that's ok. Eight months is a decent length of time to be dating, but it doesn't scream "time to make a commitment now!" to me. You still have time to develop your relationship further before deciding about big time future commitments. Sounds like you know this already anyway.

I would buy the house and proceed with your life if that's what you want to do. You can always rent or try to sell it if life changes (tell your boyfriend you are willing to do this, but would like to jump into the housing market now). As for the boyfriend, sit down and talk with him about a rough deadline at which you point both of you will decide how you want the long-distance point in your relationship to end. For example, you might say, I think in 6 months, we need to make a decision about whether we can make this work. This includes deciding whether one of you can telework, one of you will move, etc. You never know. Perhaps after you have this great experience under your belt, job offers in his city will be easy to come by. Or perhaps both of you will be willing to sacrifce to move to an entirely new city to building new lives together. Until that time, keep seeing each other as often as you can (3 hours really isn't that bad, honestly), establish strong and regular communication, and pursue your career path. The situation isn't ideal, but I bet within 6 months, you'll have some clarity as to what should take first place in your life.
posted by superfille at 9:54 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

Here's the thing: Moving to a new city where you could start a new life is very different than moving to a small town near a new city. If you're going to leave a job, friends, and family, you need to be able to start a whole new life in your new home. A big city being "nearby" isn't a replacement for living there; it's not going to give him the opportunities to further his own career or start a new social life if your little town doesn't provide for it.

You say this city's a half-hour a way. Is that also true during rush hour? Is there a suburb of Big City you could live in, some place close enough to Small Town that you could commute out to it and he could commute into Big City for a job there? Even setting aside the apprehension of leaving the familiar, you have to have something to move to, something to be excited about, not just willing to accept grudgingly.
posted by Tomorrowful at 9:54 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

I lot of times lsuccesful relationships/love comes down to timing. I think your relationship is too new to sacrifice your career for without a lot of [natural] resentment on your part. And he seems too settled to want to move without something beyond ~you~ drawing him. You don't know what the future holds and making such big decisions now based on "what-ifs" will lead to disappointment.

Settle where you are, continue dating (three hours is not that big a deal) visit each other on weekends (you're in a resort town? sounds like a great getaway for him) and build your relationship slowly. In a few years one or the other of you may get a better job offer, or ill or repriortise your relationshuip over your jobs.

You are so lucky to have found the perfect job so early! Congrats.
posted by saucysault at 9:56 AM on January 10, 2012 [2 favorites]

What would there be for him up here? Just me, maybe a new job (new coworkers, new work...lots of newness to stress him out)? There is the big city nearby and he acknowledges that there would be opportunities for him there, but he's super-apprehensive about the mere idea of making a big move.

This part made me sad because my partner and I are in the process of moving somewhere scary and new, but I am comforted/excited knowing she will be there and we'll do it together. I can't imagine ever being "just me" or "just her" to each other.

Your question sounds like he's pretty rooted where he is. Do you want to live where he is for the rest of your life? Many people would love to only be 3 hours away from their family - that's still a doable weekend trip.
posted by nakedmolerats at 9:57 AM on January 10, 2012 [1 favorite]

It sounds like both of you are happy where you live and aren't interested in moving to the other. So your priorities are your careers/where you live now over each other.

Yeah, you're eventually doomed. If not for the "I don't want to be in an LDR forever" situation, I'd say you sound like you would do well with it if you don't want to marry/have kids, but you don't want it to go forever...and he isn't willing to move and neither are you. Someone always has to cave in and move, and if neither of you are willing to, then the relationship is eventually doomed. It's entirely reasonable of him to not want to give up family/career for a small town as well, since he'd be losing more in a move and not everyone is willing to give up the rest of their life for love. And at this point you're happy not to move either.

So...you can keep seeing each other, but this isn't the dude you can settle down in a small town with.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:58 AM on January 10, 2012

If he proposes in a year, and you get married in another year, and have kids a year after that.....would you move to be with him? If you think the answer to that is yes, then stay where you are, but rent something - a nice apartment, a bigger house, whatever. Then see how it plays out.
posted by dpx.mfx at 9:59 AM on January 10, 2012

My brother and his wife kept up their relationship even though he worked in London and she in Birmingham; they saw each other at weekends, every weekend, right from the point they got together through to 4 months ago (several years). Not quite 3 hours, but not far off it. Eventually, instead of moving to one city or the other, they found a house halfway in between and commute to work. They now have a great house and a two month old daughter.

Just a thought.
posted by fearnothing at 10:00 AM on January 10, 2012 [7 favorites]

I was in an international LDR for a few years and as an aside I'd have killed for only 3 hours separation. I knew it was time to go from LDR to Short when I had to say goodbye one visit to the US to see him and I knew the pain of saying goodbye to him again was greater than any pain I would have felt leaving my job, family and the house I'd bought and renovated and loved like a person and so instead of saying goodbye I stayed. It was that simple and that hard.

There are a lot of options with only a 3 hour commute, heck if you are both working hard if you were in the same town you'd really only see each other weekends anyway, take alternate weekends to go visit each other and stay LDR for a while you don't have to sort all this out now.
posted by wwax at 10:24 AM on January 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

A lot of his objections sound like "change is hard" foot-dragging, honestly. There is nothing that sounds like a huge dealbreaker.

I wouldn't rush to end things. A three-hour LDR is not that bad. When he comes to visit on his weekends, don't just hole up in the house having sex... get out and do some stuff. Go to local restaurants, meet up with your new friends, enjoy whatever your little town has to offer, get to the city and do stuff. Maybe after a few months (or a couple years) of getting to know your area he won't find it so strange and off-putting. He'll have acquainances, he'll know fun places to go and good places to eat, he'll see it's not a huge hairy deal to go to the city and do city stuff, and he'll have had x number of months or years of relationship to see how he has grown to feel about you.

It is entirely possible that as your relationship progresses, he may decide like wwax says above, that he'd rather move to be with you than to be without you. (Or, you may decide the same thing about him!) Or, you'll eventually realize that it isn't going to work and break up. It's going to hurt whether you break up now or later, if it were me I'd at least give it a few months' chance if he's as great as you say.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 10:43 AM on January 10, 2012 [4 favorites]

Buying a house doesn't necessarily mean that you are stuck in one place forever. From a practical standpoint, if you don't plan on selling within 3-5 years, buying a house isn't a bad investment, especially if you make enough that you can make relatively big payments on your mortgage. If there is a property that's perfect for you and that you are in love with, and if buying a house would fulfill a longstanding dream of yours, I would go for it. It's your life. You can always sell it again if you decide to go elsewhere down the road. After all, nothing is guaranteed. If you lost your job in three years, you'd have to sell the house anyway. You don't have to look at this investment as something to stick to for life. It's just an investment.

What does "settle down roots" mean to you? To me, it means starting a family. Well, the person you want to start a family with is far away. It could also mean buying nicer furniture and getting decorations for the place you live. Well, you could do that without a house, too.

I'm pointing those things out to say that the problem here isn't the house, per se. You could buy the house and move again in three years - why not? At least you'd have an asset by the end of it, and you wouldn't have thrown away three years of rent money. The bigger issue here, as I'm sure you know, is the long distance relationship. The bottom line is that at some point one or both of you will have to compromise. Either you give up the relationship, or you give up your current life in some capacity. That's not a decision that has to come right away, but you also have to both realize that the sacrifice is coming. He may not want to leave a job and a social life to move to your place, but then it would be kind of hypocritical of him to ask you to do the same thing, especially given what you say about your industry and your current job.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship where the stakes are leaning towards my boyfriend moving to be with me, for all sorts of logical reasons - my job is more stable, my city has more opportunities, he's sick of where he is right now, etc. I love my city. It's metropolitan, it's multicultural, and in many ways it's everything I want in a 'home base'. But if for some reason he couldn't move here, if he had familial obligations that tied him to a specific location, if there were literally no jobs for him in my city, then I would absolutely make plans to move to be with him, and we would have to discuss exit strategies for that. But that's a decision that I've made and that I'm comfortable with. If you know in your heart of hearts that you can't give up where you are now to be with him, house or not, then maybe it's time to think about how much the relationship means to you.

That said, once again, this isn't a decision either of you have to make now. People change, relationships grow, and you may one day soon decide that being with the other person is more important than being in your perfect city...or you may not. As wwax says, a three hour commute is barely anything. (My boyfriend is 800 miles away.) You can easily see each other on the weekends and see where things take you. I would just keep a clear mind about what your anxieties actually point to. Not the house--I hereby give you permission to buy the house--but your respective attitudes towards the relationship.

It's like nakedmolerats says - is this a partnership where you two want to build a life together? Or are you trying to figure out how to slot each other into your existing life? Those are very different approaches.
posted by Phire at 11:21 AM on January 10, 2012 [3 favorites]

One question that hasn't come up yet is: How long is the Dream Job going to last? If it's just for a year or two, until you can move to another, even higher Dream Job, then that doesn't sound so bad.

Maybe you can start preparing for the next rung on the ladder, specifically in his city.
posted by 3491again at 11:21 AM on January 10, 2012

Wait... it's a three-hour drive? Not a three-hour flight? Wow, so what? What's wrong with weekending, trading turns, and seeing how your relationship goes?

My work looks like it'll take me away from my partner for at least three months of 2012. That's less stress than actual separate houses in separate towns—though we have that sometimes—but big deal, it'll be good for us. That's why the goddess invented videochat and text and stuff, and put us in two separate bodies.

You think this dude is awesome! And you love your new town and job! Yay, that's so great, enjoy having it all, you lucky thing. And buy a house if it makes sense financially. You can always put it on the market or get a tenant later if you want to do that then.

All these people who are like "ooh, you better break up now!" seem totally alien to me.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 12:09 PM on January 10, 2012 [5 favorites]

Just as a data point, my mom and step-dad were high school sweethearts, reunited about a decade ago (while living in two different states), dated for several years, broke up very briefly, reunited again and then got married (while still living in two separate states!!!). It was only when his industry took a huge hit that he ended up moving to live with my mom. They had been married for a couple years by the time they finally lived in the same house.

Not sayin' this is the solution for everyone, but if some folks can hack long distance marriages, anything is possible.
posted by mostly vowels at 3:46 PM on January 10, 2012

I agree that it's a matter of prioritizing - not only this particular great boyfriend versus this particular great job/town, but also more generally how you want to balance relationships, career, and location.

I moved a couple thousand miles with my significant other so he could pursue a great job without putting us into an LDR, which meant giving up a tempting opportunity in a different faraway location. I love him dearly, but I grew to be deeply disappointed with myself for giving up my own dream, and that did ugly things to our relationship. It's been almost three years since we left that place, yet it's only fairly recently that I feel like the resentment built up during that time has subsided - and I'd probably still be bitter, had I not eventually re-applied for and pursued the opportunity that I'd passed on when we originally moved.

Anyway, my point is that there are people who can be sustained by an awesome relationship alone, and then there are people who need to have something awesome going on outside of the relationship, too. If you and your boyfriend are both the latter kind of people, and if you both continue to love your locations, yeah, you may have some difficult decisions in the future.

Right now, just wait and see. It doesn't sound like the distance is killing you, and either of you may feel different in a year. I'd be wary of buying a house somewhere I'd only lived for six months, but if you're financially prepared, sure, might as well. Good luck!
posted by orangejenny at 6:52 PM on January 11, 2012