Life and Relationshps
January 7, 2012 10:26 PM Subscribe
This is a bit of a long-winded question if not a bit of therapy while I'm typing this. It involves a break-up, not unlike many others before me. Although it involves a major introspective on my part, it is hard to come to grips with it....
I dated a women for a while and we were boyfriend/girlfriend for a while. I somehow knew that things weren't going to work out as she and I were different people. I knew that as a couple we weren't meant for each other yet I care for her deeply. Knowing this, you broke up, got back together, and then sort of had a FWB type of thing. Not ever having had this before, I thought I was prepared for the eventual fact that she or I might find someone that was right. Well it turns out that she found someone and got engaged at the New Year. We ended up continuing our FWB after a long hiatus a couple of times but now she is engaged and through the evils of Facbook, I see it first hand. The emotions have hit me like a truck. I thought I was prepared for it but maybe I was not. I am having difficulty with love lost and the concept of letting go when all I want is...well I don't know. To move on or not to move on. We are not right for each other but the thought of her with someone else is a struggle for me considering all we have been through. I'm not looking for advice as I know all the "professional" advice is to move on and find someone that is right for me yet the concept of letting a beautfiul soul go is so hard. She is getting married and it has hit me like a ton of bricks. This post might be some sort of cathartic revelation but really it is reaching out to others as to how they have been coping. I have outside interests, I have friends, I have family but as a late thirties single male, seeing someone that was so close to me find love and happiness without me is....well....sad. I see her in my dreams even though intellectually, I understand that things weren't meant to be. I may never talk to her again yet we shared so many intimate moments. I am dating but constantly think what is the point of it all? I am hurting and am trying to work through the emotions of it all. She is engaged and I may never see her again. Is this is what life is about? I understand time heals all wounds but this humble soul that is going through a rough patch could use some words of encouragement as to the meaning of relationships when a past love is now just a collection of memories.
I dated a women for a while and we were boyfriend/girlfriend for a while. I somehow knew that things weren't going to work out as she and I were different people. I knew that as a couple we weren't meant for each other yet I care for her deeply. Knowing this, you broke up, got back together, and then sort of had a FWB type of thing. Not ever having had this before, I thought I was prepared for the eventual fact that she or I might find someone that was right. Well it turns out that she found someone and got engaged at the New Year. We ended up continuing our FWB after a long hiatus a couple of times but now she is engaged and through the evils of Facbook, I see it first hand. The emotions have hit me like a truck. I thought I was prepared for it but maybe I was not. I am having difficulty with love lost and the concept of letting go when all I want is...well I don't know. To move on or not to move on. We are not right for each other but the thought of her with someone else is a struggle for me considering all we have been through. I'm not looking for advice as I know all the "professional" advice is to move on and find someone that is right for me yet the concept of letting a beautfiul soul go is so hard. She is getting married and it has hit me like a ton of bricks. This post might be some sort of cathartic revelation but really it is reaching out to others as to how they have been coping. I have outside interests, I have friends, I have family but as a late thirties single male, seeing someone that was so close to me find love and happiness without me is....well....sad. I see her in my dreams even though intellectually, I understand that things weren't meant to be. I may never talk to her again yet we shared so many intimate moments. I am dating but constantly think what is the point of it all? I am hurting and am trying to work through the emotions of it all. She is engaged and I may never see her again. Is this is what life is about? I understand time heals all wounds but this humble soul that is going through a rough patch could use some words of encouragement as to the meaning of relationships when a past love is now just a collection of memories.
It's so much fun to stay in this place and linger in all the memories and fantasies. No rush. Stay there until you have had enough and will be ready to move on.
Getting over someone or something happens usually for me at a defining moment. The wait to when that moment will arrive is the question. Take a step back. The reason we want to love someone is to make them happy. If this someone has already found happiness with someone else. Then you should be happy. Instead we weep that it is not "I" who could make them happy. In conclusion, we are all then about ourselves. Understanding that it was more about me and less about love or them helped me snap out of it before.
Do things that will help in the loss of the self where the "I" is drowned. Be with nature to see how insignificant you are. Do exercise. Being with your body more actively helps you shut out the mind a little bit. Do stuff, don't avoid and escape into addictions.
I hope this helps.
posted by gadget_gal at 10:51 PM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
Getting over someone or something happens usually for me at a defining moment. The wait to when that moment will arrive is the question. Take a step back. The reason we want to love someone is to make them happy. If this someone has already found happiness with someone else. Then you should be happy. Instead we weep that it is not "I" who could make them happy. In conclusion, we are all then about ourselves. Understanding that it was more about me and less about love or them helped me snap out of it before.
Do things that will help in the loss of the self where the "I" is drowned. Be with nature to see how insignificant you are. Do exercise. Being with your body more actively helps you shut out the mind a little bit. Do stuff, don't avoid and escape into addictions.
I hope this helps.
posted by gadget_gal at 10:51 PM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
the concept of letting a beautiful soul go is so hard
a past love is now just a collection of memories
What you're going through sounds really hard and I don't know if I can help you, but from the way you are writing about it I think you already have a lot of wisdom with regards to the situation. You recognize that this is a beautiful person with whom you shared a very important connection and now you are faced with the loss of this relationship. It makes sense that you experience this as a great loss.
One suggestion I have is to look up the work of Victor Frankl, who wrote about finding meaning through suffering and loss. Here is a quote from his wikipedia page:
"According to Frankl, "We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering" and that "everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances".[7] "
posted by costanza at 10:59 PM on January 7, 2012 [8 favorites]
a past love is now just a collection of memories
What you're going through sounds really hard and I don't know if I can help you, but from the way you are writing about it I think you already have a lot of wisdom with regards to the situation. You recognize that this is a beautiful person with whom you shared a very important connection and now you are faced with the loss of this relationship. It makes sense that you experience this as a great loss.
One suggestion I have is to look up the work of Victor Frankl, who wrote about finding meaning through suffering and loss. Here is a quote from his wikipedia page:
"According to Frankl, "We can discover this meaning in life in three different ways: (1) by creating a work or doing a deed; (2) by experiencing something or encountering someone; and (3) by the attitude we take toward unavoidable suffering" and that "everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances".[7] "
posted by costanza at 10:59 PM on January 7, 2012 [8 favorites]
I highly agree with gadget_gal and DarlingBri. There is an element of jealousy. The whole thing is more about "you" wanting good beautiful things than truly love the other person and wants the best for her. Yes, I know the feeling of missing the intimate connections with the other person. It is sad and there is no turning back. You can think this way: many thanks to her for giving me the nice memories. Now I have experienced that, and my life is richer because of this. Think about what it is in the connection you have with her that you value, that tells you what your cravings are for in life. Then take on the new journey to go after those. You will find someone new eventually that provide you what you need, and the search is the new experience in your life that you can cherish. So turn the page now, you can revisit the old page, but look forward to things coming up.
posted by akomom at 11:48 PM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by akomom at 11:48 PM on January 7, 2012 [1 favorite]
Suggestion: either un-friend her on Facebook, or if you can't do that, just unsubscribe from her posts at least. If you're trying to move on , the last thing you need is to log in every day and see some photo of her with someone else, or some status update about picking out her wedding cake.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:15 AM on January 8, 2012 [6 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 12:15 AM on January 8, 2012 [6 favorites]
Eh, I think you can simultaneously wish the best for someone and be in pain over their loss, so I wouldn't beat yourself up about 'not truly loving the other person' or whatever. I hope you're allowing yourself to mourn - it's painful and you should mourn it.
That said, how long ago did you stop seeing each other that she's already engaged? You didn't give the full story, but it sounds like a major surprise to you - is this some rash or impulsive engagement? I wonder if that's part of it, like the immediacy of it is invalidating the passion you two shared, somehow.
posted by namesarehard at 12:25 AM on January 8, 2012
That said, how long ago did you stop seeing each other that she's already engaged? You didn't give the full story, but it sounds like a major surprise to you - is this some rash or impulsive engagement? I wonder if that's part of it, like the immediacy of it is invalidating the passion you two shared, somehow.
posted by namesarehard at 12:25 AM on January 8, 2012
It is possible to love someone romantically yet know full well that they are not "the one". And if you are the kind of person that hopes for "the one", you often end up where you are. Your sensible brain has the sense to finish the relationship. Unfortunately, your stupid heart does not have the sense to stop loving and pining.
It is up to your sensible brain to do the right thing and let go, and let slow but sure balm of passing time do its steady work in easing your stupid heart.
And yes, I have been there.
posted by Decani at 3:56 AM on January 8, 2012 [4 favorites]
It is up to your sensible brain to do the right thing and let go, and let slow but sure balm of passing time do its steady work in easing your stupid heart.
And yes, I have been there.
posted by Decani at 3:56 AM on January 8, 2012 [4 favorites]
I find a good intermediate step is to 1) fantasize running into her in 20 years and there's still some warmth and 2) fantasize that by then, you are the most accomplish fulfilled person that you want to be.
Whatever comprises #2 is your blueprint for moving forward and doing meaningful things that have nothing to do with her.
posted by vitabellosi at 5:37 AM on January 8, 2012 [6 favorites]
Whatever comprises #2 is your blueprint for moving forward and doing meaningful things that have nothing to do with her.
posted by vitabellosi at 5:37 AM on January 8, 2012 [6 favorites]
I am having difficulty with love lost and the concept of letting go when all I want is...well I don't know. To move on or not to move on.
What you want, deep down, is not to move on. What you want is for things to have worked out differently. And somewhere inside you in a voice insisting that moving on will end this possibility once and for all. Even though what's done is done, and this is all in the past, a part of you is telling you that you can somehow make things have worked out differently (this is a complicated emotional situation, which really messes up verb tenses).
Now, you're going to go through a period of relationship mourning - that's natural. But be on the lookout for a point at which you've actually started to feel better, but are still keeping yourself upset. You'll do this because feeling better means admitting that this relationship is actually over, and that there's nothing you can do about that. It's a hard thing to admit, especially because it sometimes feels like admitting it is what's making it happen (it's not, but it does feel like that). If you realize that this is happening, you may be able to stop is, which will speed your recovery.
Also, you need to stop keeping track of this person, which means, among other things, blocking on facebook. Again, this is going to be hard, because it feels like she's still in your life right now, and you don't want to get rid of that. But since she can't be in your life in the way you need her to, this will be the best thing for you.
Good luck. This sucks, I know - everything in my post is learned from difficult experience. If this is your first really painful breakup it's going to be difficult, but you will gain strength and confidence moving forward from knowing that you can survive this (and you can!)
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:54 AM on January 8, 2012 [5 favorites]
What you want, deep down, is not to move on. What you want is for things to have worked out differently. And somewhere inside you in a voice insisting that moving on will end this possibility once and for all. Even though what's done is done, and this is all in the past, a part of you is telling you that you can somehow make things have worked out differently (this is a complicated emotional situation, which really messes up verb tenses).
Now, you're going to go through a period of relationship mourning - that's natural. But be on the lookout for a point at which you've actually started to feel better, but are still keeping yourself upset. You'll do this because feeling better means admitting that this relationship is actually over, and that there's nothing you can do about that. It's a hard thing to admit, especially because it sometimes feels like admitting it is what's making it happen (it's not, but it does feel like that). If you realize that this is happening, you may be able to stop is, which will speed your recovery.
Also, you need to stop keeping track of this person, which means, among other things, blocking on facebook. Again, this is going to be hard, because it feels like she's still in your life right now, and you don't want to get rid of that. But since she can't be in your life in the way you need her to, this will be the best thing for you.
Good luck. This sucks, I know - everything in my post is learned from difficult experience. If this is your first really painful breakup it's going to be difficult, but you will gain strength and confidence moving forward from knowing that you can survive this (and you can!)
posted by Ragged Richard at 11:54 AM on January 8, 2012 [5 favorites]
I think this is the exact cathartic scenario that "nothing compares to 2 U" was written for. Cue it up! Sulk! Then slowly get over your broken heart?
posted by roboton666 at 1:13 PM on January 8, 2012
posted by roboton666 at 1:13 PM on January 8, 2012
Is this is what life is about?
No, this is what mistakes are about. Love and relationships shouldn't be like this! You bought into a series of the more ridiculous modern dating mores that generally produce far more pain than pleasure for one or both parties. It's really unnatural to invest large amounts of time and emotion into a person, break up, then keep things ambiguous with FWB contact and *still* somehow maintain enough emotional distance to not be affected greatly by changes in the status quo. I can't believe we are still pretending this isn't a ridiculous, damaging scenario few can enter into for long periods of time without sustaining or causing some kind of emotional collateral damage.
You're hurt? Wow, no wonder! Who wouldn't be? Yet things were "casual" so you had no sanctioned way to fully admit these feelings--even to yourself-- until-wham!- she's marrying someone else and now you're just stuck with all this lust and nostalgia and longing which you now have to deal with basically on your own.
Seriously, you just shared some of the most intimate encounters possible with a person who is now marrying someone else. There's no way for you to play this other than broken-hearted and confused. Accept your heartbreak. Treat it like any other grave, weeping wound, 'cause that's what it is.
On a practical leve, my advice is exercise, exercise, exercise. And avoid alcohol. And, most importantly, in the future also avoid FWB's or any extended entanglements with women you're sure won't end up filling the role of your lover and best friend forever and forever.
posted by devymetal at 3:17 PM on January 8, 2012 [7 favorites]
No, this is what mistakes are about. Love and relationships shouldn't be like this! You bought into a series of the more ridiculous modern dating mores that generally produce far more pain than pleasure for one or both parties. It's really unnatural to invest large amounts of time and emotion into a person, break up, then keep things ambiguous with FWB contact and *still* somehow maintain enough emotional distance to not be affected greatly by changes in the status quo. I can't believe we are still pretending this isn't a ridiculous, damaging scenario few can enter into for long periods of time without sustaining or causing some kind of emotional collateral damage.
You're hurt? Wow, no wonder! Who wouldn't be? Yet things were "casual" so you had no sanctioned way to fully admit these feelings--even to yourself-- until-wham!- she's marrying someone else and now you're just stuck with all this lust and nostalgia and longing which you now have to deal with basically on your own.
Seriously, you just shared some of the most intimate encounters possible with a person who is now marrying someone else. There's no way for you to play this other than broken-hearted and confused. Accept your heartbreak. Treat it like any other grave, weeping wound, 'cause that's what it is.
On a practical leve, my advice is exercise, exercise, exercise. And avoid alcohol. And, most importantly, in the future also avoid FWB's or any extended entanglements with women you're sure won't end up filling the role of your lover and best friend forever and forever.
posted by devymetal at 3:17 PM on January 8, 2012 [7 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
After 40 years, I have come to the conclusion that when you dump someone but then find yourself full of regret when the dumpee finds someone else, that is actually jealousy. Not that you're jealous of their new flame, but rather that they have found someone to be with while you have not. And honestly, that's 100% normal and natural.
The painful crappy bits are a part of life, but against the span of your entire existence, only a very small part. Ultimately, the point of dating is to stop dating because you've found someone you are in fact happy and compatible with. Statistics tell us that if you stick it out, you are very likely to win at this game.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:40 PM on January 7, 2012 [6 favorites]