What should I put in a small bereavement care package?

January 5, 2012 5:22 PM

My friend's dad died. She had a really complicated and difficult relationship with him, but even so was very involved in his care over the past several years as he's been seriously ill. I want to send her something, since she lives across the country and I can't be there for her in person. She's allergic to flowers. What should I send?

She's a third year medical student, deep into her rotations, and lives in San Francisco.

posted by ocherdraco to Grab Bag (21 answers total)

Offer to send her some food - either something you baked/made yourself, or look up some meal delivery services in your area (if the latter, ask her if this is something she'd like, and when would be a good time). When my dad died last summer, not only do you forget to eat for like a week or two, but you're so busy making arrangements, gathering info, and notifying people, that you don't have time to get or think about food, let alone go to a store and get some.

If she lives where the rest of her family is, she might be able to share with them. If not, chances are she's not going to have much food when she goes back to her own place. Especially if she's a busy 3rd year med student.
posted by raztaj at 5:30 PM on January 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Gift cards to local restaurants. It's no fun to think about daily necessities, like eating, when you're sad.

On preview: also what raztaj said.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 5:31 PM on January 5, 2012

My rule is usually to send consumables, unless I know something exactly that they would like. Has she talked about some concrete item she would like in the conversations you've had with her? If not, I'd send some nice food treats, and I would include a little alcohol if I knew she drank it.

A massage gift certificate at some place convenient to her also comes to mind.
posted by Elizabeth907 at 5:33 PM on January 5, 2012

If you are specifically looking for a replacement for the traditional flower arrangement, you can probably arrange some really nice artificial flowers, and even order them from a florist near her for delivery.
posted by jacalata at 5:37 PM on January 5, 2012

One thing I've learned over the years in these situations is to not 'offer' anything... just 'do' something. Don't ever ask if there's 'anything you can do' or is there 'anything they need'.

As stated by others, food is always a good way to go - but since you're not local and can't just drop it off those giftcards that WaspEnterprises mentioned sound like a great idea.

If the family has asked for a specific charitable donation in lieu of flowers, that's always an easy route.
posted by matty at 5:41 PM on January 5, 2012

Coffee. A fruit basket (she can grab apples/oranges/grapes on her way out the door, and not worry about preparing them). And/or maybe some good cheese (ditto).

You're a kind and considerate friend for doing this.
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:43 PM on January 5, 2012

One other suggestion if you can afford it - maybe a service that'll clean her place and do her laundry. Those basic things are really tough to think about after a family member passes away.
posted by raztaj at 5:44 PM on January 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

I usually send food, I have found that people tend to have no desire to cook when grieving. Recently ( in the last ten years) have been sending a book that seems to help a lot. The title is Many Lives Many Masters. You don't have to believe in what the book says, it helps the living to learn to let go of those who leave us.
posted by Yellow at 5:48 PM on January 5, 2012

Really nice, clean, luxurious socks.
posted by StickyCarpet at 5:51 PM on January 5, 2012

I'd send her something to support whatever her vice is, if you know it. Otherwise yes to socks, coffee and snacks. I'd also be mindful of whether she's in one of those situations where a package would be sent to the post office necessitating some terrible byzantine pick-up situation [which happens with some people in apartments] and think about fedex/ups/usps. I know that when my dad died, if a package had required me to go fetch it or be home to sign for it or whatever I probably would not have been able to manage it. Boxes of Harry & David type fruits. Rainbow Grocery gift card [or send a card to a friend locally to your friend and have them just show up with stuff at some point].
posted by jessamyn at 6:09 PM on January 5, 2012

If they deliver in her neighborhood, Edible Arrangements make a great substitute for flowers.
posted by maxim0512 at 6:50 PM on January 5, 2012

I send some kind of bagel breakfast basket, with cream cheese and sometimes fruit. Bagels can be breakfast or lunch, you can serve them to unexpected visitors, they're easy on the stressed stomach.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 6:52 PM on January 5, 2012

I don't know how appropriate this is for a grieving process, but if I was too busy to get the regular things done and also a medical student, a cleaning/maid service might be appreciated, if presented in the right way. Maybe with a consumable gift.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:54 PM on January 5, 2012

Yeah, pretty much what raztaj said.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:54 PM on January 5, 2012

Any gift basket from Zingerman's. Their food is amazing.
posted by LittleMy at 6:55 PM on January 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

Another idea might be a gift certificate to a place where she can relax, like a local spa.
posted by SpacemanStix at 6:58 PM on January 5, 2012

I know your friend's time is probably tight but what about an appointment for a massage (or similar)? I know lots of really great places in the city - a fave is in Hayes Vally: Earthbody. Or what about an hour at Kabuki Springs?
posted by hapax_legomenon at 7:04 PM on January 5, 2012

I agree that Zingerman's and Edible Arrangements are incredible. Someone gave me a Zingerman's gift basket once and it contained some of the best baked items I've tasted. I know someone whose wife works at Edible Arrangements and once in awhile he'll bring in something from there and the fruit is amazing.
posted by la petite marie at 7:36 PM on January 5, 2012

Response by poster: Thanks, all, for your answers. I'm leaning toward something small, both because I have limited funds, and also so I don't add much more for her to deal with right now. There are many suggestions here that will work, and I feel like I've got the information I need.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:15 PM on January 5, 2012

In addition to whatever you decide to send, a loving, handwritten note will surely be appreciated.
posted by looli at 10:33 PM on January 5, 2012

Response by poster: Heh, looli, I am the queen of the handwritten note (You should see my stationery drawers). For me, that part goes without saying.
posted by ocherdraco at 6:50 AM on January 6, 2012 [1 favorite]