Getting comfy with moneybags
January 1, 2012 7:12 AM Subscribe
How can I stop feeling so alienated/resentful/irritated by my friends' wealth?
I'm a student at one of those USNews top 20 universities. My background is blue collar; we lived paycheck to paycheck, ate a lot of rice, beans, and canned vegetables, had the electricity turned off sometimes, etc. I went to public high school and never participated in anything that wasn't free. Several of my friends, including my boyfriend, come from privileged backgrounds: boarding schools, trust funds, vacations in Europe, expensive cars on their 16ths, and so on. The resentment I feel for the flippant way they handle money is really, really bothering me.
It infuriates me how they can call up their parents and have $500 sent to their account. A lot of the time, I have to bow out of events because I can't afford them. This earns me a lot of looks of pity, a lot of "Oh, come on! It's only $50!" and the like. All I can think is how unfair it is; I've worked since I was 12. My mom works 50 hours a week to pay rent and bills. We exclusively wear thrifted clothes; it's certainly not a fashion statement for us. I can only attend this university because the financial aid is amazing. $50 is a small fortune in my mind.
I feel like such an asshole for thinking this way, but these thoughts are invasive. I'm outright offended when they romanticize the "99% lifestyle". One friend started waxing poetic about it the other day, how my kind of family is the foundation of America and we're so strong and we must be so close and blah blah blah. I wanted to punch her, and I've since distanced myself.
How can I feel better about this?
I'm a student at one of those USNews top 20 universities. My background is blue collar; we lived paycheck to paycheck, ate a lot of rice, beans, and canned vegetables, had the electricity turned off sometimes, etc. I went to public high school and never participated in anything that wasn't free. Several of my friends, including my boyfriend, come from privileged backgrounds: boarding schools, trust funds, vacations in Europe, expensive cars on their 16ths, and so on. The resentment I feel for the flippant way they handle money is really, really bothering me.
It infuriates me how they can call up their parents and have $500 sent to their account. A lot of the time, I have to bow out of events because I can't afford them. This earns me a lot of looks of pity, a lot of "Oh, come on! It's only $50!" and the like. All I can think is how unfair it is; I've worked since I was 12. My mom works 50 hours a week to pay rent and bills. We exclusively wear thrifted clothes; it's certainly not a fashion statement for us. I can only attend this university because the financial aid is amazing. $50 is a small fortune in my mind.
I feel like such an asshole for thinking this way, but these thoughts are invasive. I'm outright offended when they romanticize the "99% lifestyle". One friend started waxing poetic about it the other day, how my kind of family is the foundation of America and we're so strong and we must be so close and blah blah blah. I wanted to punch her, and I've since distanced myself.
How can I feel better about this?
Why don't you just talk to your friends about it? If they are real friends that should not cause any problems and may ease some tension.
posted by TheRedArmy at 7:30 AM on January 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
posted by TheRedArmy at 7:30 AM on January 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
Honestly, I think you'd feel better by venting about it to them, just once. Not like a whole drama-queen moment or anything -- what I mean is, the next time they pull that "oh, come on, it's just $50," call them on it: "okay, look: HERE is what my family's economic status was like, and HERE is what I had to grow up like, and HERE is what my mother STILL has to do, so $50 may not feel like a lot to you, but it IS a lot to ME, and here is WHY, and so you NEED to respect that for me things are DIFFERENT, and not push me to do things I can't afford, GOT IT?"
Now, some of them may not get it, and you may still have feelings of "but it's just not fair." But at least THEY may also know it's not fair too, and the good ones among them will start to take your life into account as well. And that'll lessen the sting.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:30 AM on January 1, 2012 [48 favorites]
Now, some of them may not get it, and you may still have feelings of "but it's just not fair." But at least THEY may also know it's not fair too, and the good ones among them will start to take your life into account as well. And that'll lessen the sting.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 7:30 AM on January 1, 2012 [48 favorites]
Here are my thoughts:
-seek out some venues where you can talk to other students from your background. This probably means either political or religious student groups. You don't sound plugged into the organizing on your campus; if you did, I would suggest starting a discussion group for working class students.
-find some supplemental friends, seeking out people from less affluent backgrounds. Is there another school nearby so that poorer kids are around in college-student areas?
-be open about your situation and what it means, and bring it up when people are being jerks. Get mad if you have to. If your friends are actually rich and classy, they will either dial back their spending or discreetly cover stuff for you (which can suck in its own way, but at least it's generous and caring). I was in a funny situation at college, in that I had a LOT less wealth than almost everyone else at school, but I had more money, substantially, than my two best friends. I know that they sometimes felt awkward about this. Right now, I also have a friend who is extremely marginalized/not-monied while I have a perfectly standard insurance-bearing pink-collar gig. We do what they can afford, they are frank and sometimes a bit critical if I make assumptions, and (for my brokest friend) I pay for stuff without making a Thing about it. Money is still a lurking presence in our friendships, which I kind of hate, but it's not that big a thing.
Here is the deal, IME - if you're poor or working class and you're going somewhere fancy, the cultural expectation is that you'll conceal what's going on with you, suck it up, nod your head at the wealthy-person consensus and use your schooling to class-climb and get rich yourself. If you speak too frankly about class, you may loose opportunities to rise, because you will highlight that you are "not our class darling" and that you are a trouble-maker. Don't underestimate how powerful class is, or the semi-conscious ways that each class strives to retain its privileges over those below it. (And these are perfectly nice people who do this stuff, not scheming jerks - it operates at an unspoken-assumptions level.)
The tricky part is that if you really want to climb, you have to have fancy friends and you can't be seen as someone who hangs out with the weird/political (like adult political people, union organizers, immigrants' rights workers, etc)/declasse. It's an old story.
I thought I wanted to rise at one point, but I kept fucking it up.
posted by Frowner at 7:31 AM on January 1, 2012 [35 favorites]
-seek out some venues where you can talk to other students from your background. This probably means either political or religious student groups. You don't sound plugged into the organizing on your campus; if you did, I would suggest starting a discussion group for working class students.
-find some supplemental friends, seeking out people from less affluent backgrounds. Is there another school nearby so that poorer kids are around in college-student areas?
-be open about your situation and what it means, and bring it up when people are being jerks. Get mad if you have to. If your friends are actually rich and classy, they will either dial back their spending or discreetly cover stuff for you (which can suck in its own way, but at least it's generous and caring). I was in a funny situation at college, in that I had a LOT less wealth than almost everyone else at school, but I had more money, substantially, than my two best friends. I know that they sometimes felt awkward about this. Right now, I also have a friend who is extremely marginalized/not-monied while I have a perfectly standard insurance-bearing pink-collar gig. We do what they can afford, they are frank and sometimes a bit critical if I make assumptions, and (for my brokest friend) I pay for stuff without making a Thing about it. Money is still a lurking presence in our friendships, which I kind of hate, but it's not that big a thing.
Here is the deal, IME - if you're poor or working class and you're going somewhere fancy, the cultural expectation is that you'll conceal what's going on with you, suck it up, nod your head at the wealthy-person consensus and use your schooling to class-climb and get rich yourself. If you speak too frankly about class, you may loose opportunities to rise, because you will highlight that you are "not our class darling" and that you are a trouble-maker. Don't underestimate how powerful class is, or the semi-conscious ways that each class strives to retain its privileges over those below it. (And these are perfectly nice people who do this stuff, not scheming jerks - it operates at an unspoken-assumptions level.)
The tricky part is that if you really want to climb, you have to have fancy friends and you can't be seen as someone who hangs out with the weird/political (like adult political people, union organizers, immigrants' rights workers, etc)/declasse. It's an old story.
I thought I wanted to rise at one point, but I kept fucking it up.
posted by Frowner at 7:31 AM on January 1, 2012 [35 favorites]
I am from a similar background as you. I have a friend who is a couple of notches up on the wealth scale (not quite cars-on-birthday wealth, but parents-never-had-a-mortgage-payment wealth) and he caught a lot of shit as a youngster for being "rich", to the point that when grandpa moneybags died, he let his brother have all the money (a couple hundred thou, I think). I was always jealous of him, but not in a negative way. Here is the deal, though- his mother, the child of grandpa moneybags, has issues with all the money too. She doesn't have to work, and without that NEED to work, she has been untethered all her life. As she gets older, she feels useless.
I know this might be anathema to many people here, but quit looking at them as "privileged". IMHO, that construct is guaranteed to maintain the gap between you and them. Instead, "judge" them as people on their own merits. Are you sure ALL of them are moneyed a-holes? Or are there just a couple of shining examples who drown out the rest?
As for the ones who romanticize the poor lifestyle, just listen to William Shatner's "Common People" until you pity them instead of hate them.
posted by gjc at 7:32 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I know this might be anathema to many people here, but quit looking at them as "privileged". IMHO, that construct is guaranteed to maintain the gap between you and them. Instead, "judge" them as people on their own merits. Are you sure ALL of them are moneyed a-holes? Or are there just a couple of shining examples who drown out the rest?
As for the ones who romanticize the poor lifestyle, just listen to William Shatner's "Common People" until you pity them instead of hate them.
posted by gjc at 7:32 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I would've punched her. I think you should acknowledge your feelings instead of trying to block them, because they are legitimate. Just because they have money doesn't mean they know anything about, well, anything. You need to sit down and organize exactly what parts of the behaviour bothers you and why, then the next time something like that comes up you can counter with a rational rebuttal. For me that's the hard part; being logical about it. When it's so personal its hard to not just shout incoherently for them to shut up. Once you can map out exactly which areas and behaviours or attitudes are most sensitive to you, and more importantly why it should matter to them (ie, it hurts your feelings, makes you feel excluded, etc), you'll be able to voice your side of it instead of bottling it up and burning up from the inside. Outcome: you are heard and they stop being insensitive jerks. Hopefully.
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 7:34 AM on January 1, 2012
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 7:34 AM on January 1, 2012
If that doesn't work, get new friends.
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 7:36 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Carlotta Bananas at 7:36 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
People with money (who always had it) don't realize that everyone they encounter in a peer role isn't just like them. They're innocent, in that sense. You may resent the unfairness of it, but it's not their fault. You need to tell them how you feel (which means you need to feel OK with your own situation enough to not get defensive.)
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:36 AM on January 1, 2012 [13 favorites]
posted by Obscure Reference at 7:36 AM on January 1, 2012 [13 favorites]
I had a similar, although not as extreme, experience in college. I wound up just...not hanging out with those type of people.
posted by notsnot at 7:46 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by notsnot at 7:46 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
While I hardly grew up poor, I would sometimes get jealous/resentful of other classmates not having to wait tables or go into student loan debt to get through college. Two decades have passed since I graduated college and I have lived long enough to see the gifts that life has bestowed on me.
No, I did not get a new car and could not call my parents for $500. But I had the intellect to be in college in the first place (and later law school) and have earned a very comfortable living due to this blessing. I also learned the value of hard work and that everything would not be handed to me. This too has helped in my life successes.
You may not be able to see how fortunate you are because you are living in a bubble of a top college. Congratulations! You are earning an education that will likely leave you and your future family vastly better off than the one you grew up in. But you might be able to stop feeling resentful of spoiled, privileged and/or ignorant people if you stop to think of those who don't even remotely have the gifts that you have.
I am not bashing you by any stretch...as successful as I have been, I am now surrounded in my neighborhood by people with much, much more than I have since it is such a great neighborhood. And occasionally, I get momentarily envious of them too. But I very quickly come to the realization of how lucky I am to have achieved my spot in the cheapest house in the best neighborhood. How lucky I am indeed.
posted by murrey at 7:46 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
No, I did not get a new car and could not call my parents for $500. But I had the intellect to be in college in the first place (and later law school) and have earned a very comfortable living due to this blessing. I also learned the value of hard work and that everything would not be handed to me. This too has helped in my life successes.
You may not be able to see how fortunate you are because you are living in a bubble of a top college. Congratulations! You are earning an education that will likely leave you and your future family vastly better off than the one you grew up in. But you might be able to stop feeling resentful of spoiled, privileged and/or ignorant people if you stop to think of those who don't even remotely have the gifts that you have.
I am not bashing you by any stretch...as successful as I have been, I am now surrounded in my neighborhood by people with much, much more than I have since it is such a great neighborhood. And occasionally, I get momentarily envious of them too. But I very quickly come to the realization of how lucky I am to have achieved my spot in the cheapest house in the best neighborhood. How lucky I am indeed.
posted by murrey at 7:46 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
Unfortunately wealth separates people. Maybe with your future earnings you will be on the same playing field but right now you aren't, and I think even explaining things just makes it 'a thing'. I never thought money mattered that much and now most of my friends either have high earning jobs or married people with high earning jobs, they now completely eclipse me financially as a single person w/out a great income. It makes a huge difference and to be cynical and honest, people often prefer being with people in their same ecomomic class because it frankly makes things less awkward. I'm a little bitter about it, but I don't necessarily feel like 'explaining things' really changes anything. They might offer to pay for you or try to dial back what they choose to do when you're there but the elephant is in the room. Unless of course you eventually start making tonnes of money or marry into it. /not sure if I should start off 2012 so cynical but there it is.
posted by bquarters at 7:47 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by bquarters at 7:47 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Be blunt. I'm going to assume as college students, none of your friends are "self made men" as it were. They have more money, through no merit of their own, and you have in fact probably worked much harder than they ever have. (When you get really pissed tell them this, they probably need to hear it.) In the meantime, if they invite you to something you can't afford, ask them to pay. So many Americans have this stupid false pride about accepting "charity" or asking someone else to pay for them. Your friends have more money than you, can afford to cover you, so let them. If they are real friends, they want to spend time with you, so explain the reality of your situation, and that if they want you involved in their more expensive outings, you need some help. They've probably never thought about it.
posted by catatethebird at 7:47 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by catatethebird at 7:47 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
I come from a privileged background. Not moneybags wealthy, but enough so that I'd be clueless enough to make the, 'oh, it's just X amount,' comment back when I was in college. It took one of my friends gently pointing out that not everyone could afford to do something for it to enter my brain, because I had honestly never had friends from significantly less well off families before. I wasn't being flippant about money; it just wasn't something I'd ever had cause to think about, and I'm grateful for the reality check.
So I would second everyone's suggestion to tell them. Don't yell or get defensive; instead, just tell them as much about your background as you feel comfortable doing. If they're really your friends, they will make an effort to either do more things that are affordable for you, or cover you occasionally. If not, well, then, uni's a big place. :)
(Also, speaking as a person who does have money; if your friends or boyfriend offer to pay your way for a special event or something, please, please consider taking them up on the offer once in a while. I understand it can be a pride thing but there have been so many occasions that I wished my best friend would have been there to share an occasion with me. The money truly did not matter to me if it meant I could spend more time with said friend. YMMV, of course, but this is my opinion.)
posted by Tamanna at 7:48 AM on January 1, 2012 [35 favorites]
So I would second everyone's suggestion to tell them. Don't yell or get defensive; instead, just tell them as much about your background as you feel comfortable doing. If they're really your friends, they will make an effort to either do more things that are affordable for you, or cover you occasionally. If not, well, then, uni's a big place. :)
(Also, speaking as a person who does have money; if your friends or boyfriend offer to pay your way for a special event or something, please, please consider taking them up on the offer once in a while. I understand it can be a pride thing but there have been so many occasions that I wished my best friend would have been there to share an occasion with me. The money truly did not matter to me if it meant I could spend more time with said friend. YMMV, of course, but this is my opinion.)
posted by Tamanna at 7:48 AM on January 1, 2012 [35 favorites]
No friends I'd want to stick around with pull the Common People schtick.
posted by scruss at 7:57 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by scruss at 7:57 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I remember standing in line to pay a university bill and hearing two guys talking. One said, "Wow, it says here that x percent of students at this university gets financial aid. How is it that we don't know anyone who gets financial aid?" How indeed? It's so weird the way economic class makes itself felt in college. One thing I found out is, some people on the money side envy you for making it on your own, for knowing you got in on your merits and not as a legacy. Hold your head up and say, "Sorry, I'm broke."
posted by BibiRose at 7:57 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by BibiRose at 7:57 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Here's something I try to remember. In truth, it's a good thing that there are people who had good childhoods. Are you mad that your life was so hard, or that theirs was so easy? What I mean to say is, there are probably things about your hard work that you value about yourself. You see them as less than you because they haven't worked so hard. Consider that if this is the dynamic you want to value, than you are in fact the one who gained the most because you have integrity and accomplishment of extremely difficult things and they don't.
The problem with thinking this was is that then when you turn around and have kids you will probably give them a better life than you had and you will think they are not as good as you because your hardship is what made you a quality person.
Is it the hardship that makes you a good person? Is so, if the hardship MADE you a good person, then consider these kids can't help it. A lot of people believe that suffering opened their eyes, made them more compassionate, made them make better decisions-- and they would not have taken the opportunity without the suffering.
If so, you judging these rich people for their lack of empathy and awareness is the same as people from healthy backgrounds judging the poor scholastic performance, higher drug use, and common issues of people who are dealing with hard lives. If your hard life is what made you a better person because it forced you to be resourceful and work hard--- then you're the same as them but an environmental condition forced different qualities in you. If you value those qualities and think you are better than them, then feel compassion for them the way you would someone who is disabled. They are less skilled than you. If you don't like what you went through and you wish your life had been as stable and healthy and enjoyable as other people you meet, consider working toward understanding the variables that made your family life so hard and work toward getting better and more empowering and honest resources to families in need. Resources programs right now are often very disempowering, belittling, interventionistic and classist. They are created by these people you're watching now to "save the poor little poor people" (with wonderful intentions and lot's of research mind you) but you have insights that could change the way all that gets done.
To me--- I think the goal is that everyone has a healthy childhood, meaning that the things they had that were really good for them that you missed out on? Focus on thinking it's good they had that, and that you deserved it too and that we should ALL work for a world where families aren't struggling the way yours was.
It's likely that in truth these kids DID miss out on environmental conditions that would have better encouraged them to consider and value empathy and awareness and taking action for the well being of others. You're right to notice it. The goal is that more people in the world have adequate childhoods--- however hopefully that more people will be raised with greater emphasis on working for change, because if the people who really did have good lives actually used that to make the world a better place when they are in a good place to do so, there would be fewer families struggling like your did.
Overall, it's not what is done to us but what we do with it. If you care about humanity, people in need, people who may have it even worse than you, and you want to dedicated time toward improving the world in this way, then find friends (of any background or history) who value this same thing. Consider that right now there are people who would meet you and be unspeakably jealous that you have any food at all or are getting a college education. How would you like them to see you? How would you want them to inform you of their feelings?
posted by xarnop at 7:58 AM on January 1, 2012 [8 favorites]
The problem with thinking this was is that then when you turn around and have kids you will probably give them a better life than you had and you will think they are not as good as you because your hardship is what made you a quality person.
Is it the hardship that makes you a good person? Is so, if the hardship MADE you a good person, then consider these kids can't help it. A lot of people believe that suffering opened their eyes, made them more compassionate, made them make better decisions-- and they would not have taken the opportunity without the suffering.
If so, you judging these rich people for their lack of empathy and awareness is the same as people from healthy backgrounds judging the poor scholastic performance, higher drug use, and common issues of people who are dealing with hard lives. If your hard life is what made you a better person because it forced you to be resourceful and work hard--- then you're the same as them but an environmental condition forced different qualities in you. If you value those qualities and think you are better than them, then feel compassion for them the way you would someone who is disabled. They are less skilled than you. If you don't like what you went through and you wish your life had been as stable and healthy and enjoyable as other people you meet, consider working toward understanding the variables that made your family life so hard and work toward getting better and more empowering and honest resources to families in need. Resources programs right now are often very disempowering, belittling, interventionistic and classist. They are created by these people you're watching now to "save the poor little poor people" (with wonderful intentions and lot's of research mind you) but you have insights that could change the way all that gets done.
To me--- I think the goal is that everyone has a healthy childhood, meaning that the things they had that were really good for them that you missed out on? Focus on thinking it's good they had that, and that you deserved it too and that we should ALL work for a world where families aren't struggling the way yours was.
It's likely that in truth these kids DID miss out on environmental conditions that would have better encouraged them to consider and value empathy and awareness and taking action for the well being of others. You're right to notice it. The goal is that more people in the world have adequate childhoods--- however hopefully that more people will be raised with greater emphasis on working for change, because if the people who really did have good lives actually used that to make the world a better place when they are in a good place to do so, there would be fewer families struggling like your did.
Overall, it's not what is done to us but what we do with it. If you care about humanity, people in need, people who may have it even worse than you, and you want to dedicated time toward improving the world in this way, then find friends (of any background or history) who value this same thing. Consider that right now there are people who would meet you and be unspeakably jealous that you have any food at all or are getting a college education. How would you like them to see you? How would you want them to inform you of their feelings?
posted by xarnop at 7:58 AM on January 1, 2012 [8 favorites]
I had the same experience when I arrived as a freshman at college. It was an expensive, private school that I had the amazing good fortune to be able to attend via scholarships and grants, but many of my peers had families who could pay the full tuition without blinking. My family was, from the sounds of it, slightly better off than yours, but the gulf between myself and the truly rich was enormous, and there were many of the exact same awkward moments you describe: casual talk about expensive foreign trips, fancy evenings out, etc.
So, what do you do about it? First, look into whether or not your school has some kind of "blue collar support group." They get called all kinds of different names, but a lot of places have these for both students and faculty. Even if there isn't a formal group like this, make sure you are connecting and spending time with other students in similar situations. All of the elite colleges have very large populations of people attending on grants and scholarships; people tend to not talk about it, so you notice the wealthy more, but they are there.
Second, make sure you are taking advantage of the resources available at a well-off school. There is always discretionary money (usually administered by the dean of students, or maybe the president's office) that is available to pay for someone in your situation to be able to sign up for the downhill skiing class (with its mandatory $300 activity fee, say) or go on a school-supported trip to Paris... but that support is only there if you are aggressive in asking for it.
Third, if I could go back and give advice to the 18 year old version of me, I'd tell him to be more proud of who he is and where he came from. Don't feel ashamed or that you have to hide your history and your family. And at the same time, make the connections and learn the skills that will allow you for the rest of your life to live with a foot in both worlds -- the school will open doors and opportunities, but only if you have the social capital to make it work.
posted by Forktine at 7:58 AM on January 1, 2012 [13 favorites]
So, what do you do about it? First, look into whether or not your school has some kind of "blue collar support group." They get called all kinds of different names, but a lot of places have these for both students and faculty. Even if there isn't a formal group like this, make sure you are connecting and spending time with other students in similar situations. All of the elite colleges have very large populations of people attending on grants and scholarships; people tend to not talk about it, so you notice the wealthy more, but they are there.
Second, make sure you are taking advantage of the resources available at a well-off school. There is always discretionary money (usually administered by the dean of students, or maybe the president's office) that is available to pay for someone in your situation to be able to sign up for the downhill skiing class (with its mandatory $300 activity fee, say) or go on a school-supported trip to Paris... but that support is only there if you are aggressive in asking for it.
Third, if I could go back and give advice to the 18 year old version of me, I'd tell him to be more proud of who he is and where he came from. Don't feel ashamed or that you have to hide your history and your family. And at the same time, make the connections and learn the skills that will allow you for the rest of your life to live with a foot in both worlds -- the school will open doors and opportunities, but only if you have the social capital to make it work.
posted by Forktine at 7:58 AM on January 1, 2012 [13 favorites]
Also, life can be weird sometimes. A few of the other students I knew who had trust funds, wealthy families, etc, are now significantly poorer than me now. All it takes is bad luck in the market, an expensive divorce, or layoff, and all of a sudden things can change drastically. Just because someone is privileged at 18 doesn't automatically mean they will be living the pimping lifestyle later in life.
posted by Forktine at 8:03 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Forktine at 8:03 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Something I've learned lately is that anger and resentment are two emotions that feel sort of the same but are caused by very different situations. For me, I get angry when some one does something that I know is wrong or unfair (according to my internal compass anyway). Someone doing something stupid on the highway, for example, or another student taking credit for someone else's good idea. But I get resentful when I'm letting someone violate my boundaries and not doing anything to stop it.
And while anger is usually like a fast exploding bomb--one big flare up of anger: "God damn it, you dumb driver! You almost killed me!"--it also goes away fairly quickly after you've shouted a bit or thrown a pillow at the floor. But resentment has a slow burn and can't be solved by blaring loud music for a while or by making up new swear words. The only way to extinguish resentment, I think, is to establish proper boundaries with the people who are stomping all over them. Otherwise it just burns and burns and eats away at your heart.
And since you say yourself that you're horribly resentful right now, I think that's what you should think about first. Especially because there isn't anything you can do about having less money than these folks, and you also can't just decree to yourself: 'Self, we will now stop being resentful. Now. Now!' I've tried that before. It never works. So next time one of these kids starts hassling you about money, or trying to wheedle you into going to some expensive event, tell them to stop. You don't have to go into great detail if you don't want to. All you really have to say is, "Look, my financial situation is a lot different than yours. So 50 bucks is a lot of money to me right now. Which means that I need you to stop hassling me about not going." And if people start trying to tell you what your life was like, you could say to them, "Hey, I know you're really interested in the Occupy movement, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to tell me what my own life was like. We can talk about it some time for real, if you're interested, but right now I'd rather talk about the latest scandal on campus, because have you heard..." [or whatever you guys usually like to talk about].
posted by colfax at 8:03 AM on January 1, 2012 [9 favorites]
And while anger is usually like a fast exploding bomb--one big flare up of anger: "God damn it, you dumb driver! You almost killed me!"--it also goes away fairly quickly after you've shouted a bit or thrown a pillow at the floor. But resentment has a slow burn and can't be solved by blaring loud music for a while or by making up new swear words. The only way to extinguish resentment, I think, is to establish proper boundaries with the people who are stomping all over them. Otherwise it just burns and burns and eats away at your heart.
And since you say yourself that you're horribly resentful right now, I think that's what you should think about first. Especially because there isn't anything you can do about having less money than these folks, and you also can't just decree to yourself: 'Self, we will now stop being resentful. Now. Now!' I've tried that before. It never works. So next time one of these kids starts hassling you about money, or trying to wheedle you into going to some expensive event, tell them to stop. You don't have to go into great detail if you don't want to. All you really have to say is, "Look, my financial situation is a lot different than yours. So 50 bucks is a lot of money to me right now. Which means that I need you to stop hassling me about not going." And if people start trying to tell you what your life was like, you could say to them, "Hey, I know you're really interested in the Occupy movement, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't try to tell me what my own life was like. We can talk about it some time for real, if you're interested, but right now I'd rather talk about the latest scandal on campus, because have you heard..." [or whatever you guys usually like to talk about].
posted by colfax at 8:03 AM on January 1, 2012 [9 favorites]
My best friend/roommate in college was not moneybags wealthy, but her folks were happy to fund her fully through college - she never had to work. I came from a comfortable background but always, since middle school, had some kind of job, and I was absolutely expected to fund my own living expenses in college. She was very naive about money since she never had to work for it and could always get more when she needed it. A third roommate in our shared apartment was in a similar situation. One evening we all went to a free-trial cardio kickboxing class. They both liked it and they promptly signed up for the $100/semester membership without considering too carefully the class schedule, etc. I liked it but realized there was maybe one class a week my schedule would let me attend, so I decided not to pay for something I wouldn't use. They were surprised that I would be that picky over spending $100. I told them how many hours I had to work at my student-help job in the library to earn $100. Dead silence - I think they got my point, though.
posted by handful of rain at 8:03 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by handful of rain at 8:03 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
People with money (who always had it) don't realize that everyone they encounter in a peer role isn't just like them.
IME, people with money who have always had it don't act like your friends!
posted by jgirl at 8:06 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
IME, people with money who have always had it don't act like your friends!
posted by jgirl at 8:06 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Same here - solidly working class (first person on my dad's side of the family to go to uni, only the second on my mum's side), strapped for cash growing up and still struggling.
Easy to say / hard to do: rise above it. When your friends go on about what they've been given and when you see what they have, and how they (probably unconsciously) flaunt it, try and feel sorry for them, that their lives and wants at this point are so narrowly defined by Stuff and Things and Money that they feel they have to wave it over their heads. They're not thinking about you so much when they say these things - they're actually displaying to each other, like bower birds. There's a whole other level of insecurity and group-think that goes with the territory of Being Like Everyone Else - you're seeing it in relation to money / material goods here. It's like some insane competition. We're well off out of it.
Hard to say / hard to do: tackle them, either individually or in a group, as has been suggested. If it were me, I would probably pick the most sympathetic and least irritating of my wealthy friends and have a quiet word about how it made me feel - while you might not want people championing your cause too ostentatiously, you might find having an ally to steer the group away from their more egregious behaviours makes life a bit easier. Or otherwise, if you do want to stay friendly with them and think they would be receptive, then an intervention with them all at once would also work - be mindful of the possibility of a bit of guilty blow-back if people start feeling their conscience pricking as they realise they might have made idiots of themselves previously. But if these are effectively decent but clueless people that you actually like, you can bring up to them how uncomfortable you're made to feel when they make these comments and you'd appreciate it if in future they could spare a thought before opening their mouths.
Easy to say / easy to do: if this has been done deliberately to make you feel bad or excluded, then these are not people you want to be friends with - you're worth more than that - and there are many other people on your campus that will be more genuine and fun to be with. It isn't your cross to bear, to educate these people about others having a hard life compared to their own. There are such a thing as good manners and by making someone else (you) feel uncomfortable and either not caring enough to be more sensitive or doing so deliberately they are displaying a breathtaking lack of breeding.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 8:08 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
Easy to say / hard to do: rise above it. When your friends go on about what they've been given and when you see what they have, and how they (probably unconsciously) flaunt it, try and feel sorry for them, that their lives and wants at this point are so narrowly defined by Stuff and Things and Money that they feel they have to wave it over their heads. They're not thinking about you so much when they say these things - they're actually displaying to each other, like bower birds. There's a whole other level of insecurity and group-think that goes with the territory of Being Like Everyone Else - you're seeing it in relation to money / material goods here. It's like some insane competition. We're well off out of it.
Hard to say / hard to do: tackle them, either individually or in a group, as has been suggested. If it were me, I would probably pick the most sympathetic and least irritating of my wealthy friends and have a quiet word about how it made me feel - while you might not want people championing your cause too ostentatiously, you might find having an ally to steer the group away from their more egregious behaviours makes life a bit easier. Or otherwise, if you do want to stay friendly with them and think they would be receptive, then an intervention with them all at once would also work - be mindful of the possibility of a bit of guilty blow-back if people start feeling their conscience pricking as they realise they might have made idiots of themselves previously. But if these are effectively decent but clueless people that you actually like, you can bring up to them how uncomfortable you're made to feel when they make these comments and you'd appreciate it if in future they could spare a thought before opening their mouths.
Easy to say / easy to do: if this has been done deliberately to make you feel bad or excluded, then these are not people you want to be friends with - you're worth more than that - and there are many other people on your campus that will be more genuine and fun to be with. It isn't your cross to bear, to educate these people about others having a hard life compared to their own. There are such a thing as good manners and by making someone else (you) feel uncomfortable and either not caring enough to be more sensitive or doing so deliberately they are displaying a breathtaking lack of breeding.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 8:08 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I was in your shoes in university - foreign student who had to work as much as possible so that I never had to make a decision between rent, food and textbooks. I had a lot of local friends who were either fairly well-off, or whose parents paid their expenses so their part time jobs were basically pocket money. I'm sorry to say there's no solution to this that doesn't involve 1) telling them you can't do things with them because you can't afford it and 2) doing different things with different people. Some of them are a little bitter about it to this day, almost twenty years later ("you never did anything with us," or "we'd have loved if you had come on that $$$ trip").
As annoying as that sounds, you have to maintain your perspective - your first priority is to get through university with the degree you came for. Take pride in the fact that you are there and doing this for yourself. Friends and outings are great and important, but they are secondary to what you're doing there.
If the friends you have are not capable of understanding that there are things you can't spend money on, those are the ones you need to distance yourself from as soon as possible. Nothing good can come out of putting up with their shit.
posted by vanar sena at 8:08 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
As annoying as that sounds, you have to maintain your perspective - your first priority is to get through university with the degree you came for. Take pride in the fact that you are there and doing this for yourself. Friends and outings are great and important, but they are secondary to what you're doing there.
If the friends you have are not capable of understanding that there are things you can't spend money on, those are the ones you need to distance yourself from as soon as possible. Nothing good can come out of putting up with their shit.
posted by vanar sena at 8:08 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
I don't think you're really upset with them. I think you wish you were wealthy too, because you're stressed financially and no one likes being financially stressed. I think you have to realize these feelings have more to do with how you feel about yourself.
There were so many times after I graduated (even now) that I just wished I could suddenly end up with the fortune to jetset and blow through money, and have money to buy a beautiful house. I have friends whose parents bought them houses, cars, and even got them well-paying career-track jobs. These things helped them start their lives earlier, helped them start their families without worrying about finances, helped them have health insurance and money during times they were unemployed.
It's okay to be jealous, but don't get bitter. You have to stop getting mad at them for being fortunate. Having that chip on your shoulder ends up being self-punishment. It's really likely that you'll benefit from their wealth and connections, and the US (even though politicians want us to believe it) isn't a meritocracy---those connections to wealthy and well-placed people can pay off big time for you.
Just say, "I'd love to, but you're all too rich for my blood." And don't be ashamed of it. There are more of us in the world then there are of them.
posted by anniecat at 8:14 AM on January 1, 2012 [9 favorites]
There were so many times after I graduated (even now) that I just wished I could suddenly end up with the fortune to jetset and blow through money, and have money to buy a beautiful house. I have friends whose parents bought them houses, cars, and even got them well-paying career-track jobs. These things helped them start their lives earlier, helped them start their families without worrying about finances, helped them have health insurance and money during times they were unemployed.
It's okay to be jealous, but don't get bitter. You have to stop getting mad at them for being fortunate. Having that chip on your shoulder ends up being self-punishment. It's really likely that you'll benefit from their wealth and connections, and the US (even though politicians want us to believe it) isn't a meritocracy---those connections to wealthy and well-placed people can pay off big time for you.
Just say, "I'd love to, but you're all too rich for my blood." And don't be ashamed of it. There are more of us in the world then there are of them.
posted by anniecat at 8:14 AM on January 1, 2012 [9 favorites]
I was in much the same boat as vanar sena, in terms of finances. I had/have very good friends who came from much better off families. Typically, their response was much more understanding of my inability to spend money as freely as they could. Options tended to be: a) find cheaper options that all the friends could join in on, or b) make their plans totally independent of me, without rubbing it in later. Your friends need to get a clue. It makes sense that you're resentful. Perhaps you could sit them down and talk to them about how a) you can't always afford everything they can and b) it makes you feel crappy when they ignore that.
posted by bardophile at 8:18 AM on January 1, 2012
posted by bardophile at 8:18 AM on January 1, 2012
i'm one of those kids who had everything paid for in college. my parents had money and spent it on me. BUT that doesn't mean that they didn't work very hard to let me live in that ridiculously luxurious way and attend the top 20 university.
You, on the other hand, by your own briliance, have made it into a school with "amazing" financial aid. If any of this was scholarship, and you do not have to pay it back, you should be incredibly proud of yourself that you are paying your way through with your brains. That will give you pride that money simply cannot buy. I wish I could say the same (and plan to for grad school)
despite my situation, there were plenty of richer people around me who spent much more money than me and my parents had to remind me that just because they spent every spring break going to some exotic local didn't mean that I could. find people who are living the way you are, for whatever reason, and you'll be happier.
They will eventually have to learn how to manage money- in the beginning it might be very anxiety inducing for them- you've already learned a skill that will bring you lifelong comfort and wealth of a stable nature which is the best kind of wealth.
I'm always impressed by people like you. Hope your life continues to bring you what you want from it.
posted by saraindc at 8:24 AM on January 1, 2012
You, on the other hand, by your own briliance, have made it into a school with "amazing" financial aid. If any of this was scholarship, and you do not have to pay it back, you should be incredibly proud of yourself that you are paying your way through with your brains. That will give you pride that money simply cannot buy. I wish I could say the same (and plan to for grad school)
despite my situation, there were plenty of richer people around me who spent much more money than me and my parents had to remind me that just because they spent every spring break going to some exotic local didn't mean that I could. find people who are living the way you are, for whatever reason, and you'll be happier.
They will eventually have to learn how to manage money- in the beginning it might be very anxiety inducing for them- you've already learned a skill that will bring you lifelong comfort and wealth of a stable nature which is the best kind of wealth.
I'm always impressed by people like you. Hope your life continues to bring you what you want from it.
posted by saraindc at 8:24 AM on January 1, 2012
Shake your head and sigh "It's so easy to tell the nouveaux riche....they have *no* manners..." or roll your eyes and say "how gauche".
They probably won't get it, at which point you can start hanging out with friends who are a little more considerate of others.
(Seriously. Start paying attention, it's really easy to spot. I grew up clinging to the 'lower' in 'lower-middle class' and I've got better manners...)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:28 AM on January 1, 2012
They probably won't get it, at which point you can start hanging out with friends who are a little more considerate of others.
(Seriously. Start paying attention, it's really easy to spot. I grew up clinging to the 'lower' in 'lower-middle class' and I've got better manners...)
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 8:28 AM on January 1, 2012
Next time someone says "It's only $50," respond with "if I had a spare $50 I'd send it to my mom so she could pay the light bill." See how they respond. Anything that doesn't include something like, "Oh man, I'm sorry, I just wasn't thinking" means that this person was never really your friend.
I do think you might be overreacting a bit to the person who pulled the "common people" schtick. I doubt she meant anything by it but is just a typical college kid who's never had to think much about what it means to walk in anyone else's shoes but her own. Since it's an issue that clearly bothers you, maybe you were a bit oversensitive in your reaction. Next time someone pulls something like that, maybe try explaining why actually it's not that romantic/fun/etc and that poor families have all the other problems that rich families can have along with the problems that poverty brings.
You're in a good position to educate people as long as they're the kind of people that actually want to be educated. If they're not, I agree with those who say find new friends.
posted by hazyjane at 8:35 AM on January 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
I do think you might be overreacting a bit to the person who pulled the "common people" schtick. I doubt she meant anything by it but is just a typical college kid who's never had to think much about what it means to walk in anyone else's shoes but her own. Since it's an issue that clearly bothers you, maybe you were a bit oversensitive in your reaction. Next time someone pulls something like that, maybe try explaining why actually it's not that romantic/fun/etc and that poor families have all the other problems that rich families can have along with the problems that poverty brings.
You're in a good position to educate people as long as they're the kind of people that actually want to be educated. If they're not, I agree with those who say find new friends.
posted by hazyjane at 8:35 AM on January 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
I had a somewhat similar experience in college-- my college wasn't as fancy, but private and most people grew up with significantly more money than me. I guess for me it wasn't so much jealousy (uh... most of the time) as just a feeling of being out of place and surrounded by people who didn't really understand where I was coming from a lot of the time when we talked about our families or friends from home or future plans or even weekend plans. Or the weird combination of romanticizing and looking down on the working class that went on in my classes or in conversations with friends.
Anyway, I'm not sure from your question how big a part of your problem this is, but I found it really beneficial to get off campus and out into the (very much working class) community to work and to study and for fun rather than staying in the campus bubble all the time. I also made friends with other students who were from similar backgrounds-- they're out there! (although I was lucky enough to be in a scholarship program with a bunch of them so I kind of had them built in.) Getting out of that bubble and back in a place where I felt more comfortable helped me relax about what the class dynamics were like on campus (which helped me salvage friendships with some very nice but clueless people).
posted by geegollygosh at 8:36 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Anyway, I'm not sure from your question how big a part of your problem this is, but I found it really beneficial to get off campus and out into the (very much working class) community to work and to study and for fun rather than staying in the campus bubble all the time. I also made friends with other students who were from similar backgrounds-- they're out there! (although I was lucky enough to be in a scholarship program with a bunch of them so I kind of had them built in.) Getting out of that bubble and back in a place where I felt more comfortable helped me relax about what the class dynamics were like on campus (which helped me salvage friendships with some very nice but clueless people).
posted by geegollygosh at 8:36 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
They are clueless. Call them innocent, call them ignorant, people only know what they need to know.
You can try and educate them, but do you want to? Do they care?
It's better all around that they learn that there is a world outside the privileged one they grew up in and only you know if they are insensitive fucks who don't give a shit or the kind of people who just don't know any better.
Are they worth it? Do you care? If they are being insensitive assholes, wake them up if you can.
If it matters to you, help them grow. If it doesn't, play their game. But know how to communicate what you are trying to say well, so it doesn't just come off as defensive and personal. I'm pretty sure they have no idea what they sound like or how they come across. They should learn better, but do you think you are the one to teach them?
As someone who is grateful not to have to carry clean water everyday and yet understands spending serious cash on luxury items, I think my viewpoint is different than most, but mostly it's about not knowing better.
$50 is a lot of money. You could shame them with saying you could feed/buy/do x with that money. You could handle this in lots of ways. If your priority is to stop them from being insensitive to you instead of being insensitive to the issues, I think it's short sighted.
Maybe they are vapid and boring, but maybe they are just ignorant.
posted by provoliminal at 8:42 AM on January 1, 2012
You can try and educate them, but do you want to? Do they care?
It's better all around that they learn that there is a world outside the privileged one they grew up in and only you know if they are insensitive fucks who don't give a shit or the kind of people who just don't know any better.
Are they worth it? Do you care? If they are being insensitive assholes, wake them up if you can.
If it matters to you, help them grow. If it doesn't, play their game. But know how to communicate what you are trying to say well, so it doesn't just come off as defensive and personal. I'm pretty sure they have no idea what they sound like or how they come across. They should learn better, but do you think you are the one to teach them?
As someone who is grateful not to have to carry clean water everyday and yet understands spending serious cash on luxury items, I think my viewpoint is different than most, but mostly it's about not knowing better.
$50 is a lot of money. You could shame them with saying you could feed/buy/do x with that money. You could handle this in lots of ways. If your priority is to stop them from being insensitive to you instead of being insensitive to the issues, I think it's short sighted.
Maybe they are vapid and boring, but maybe they are just ignorant.
posted by provoliminal at 8:42 AM on January 1, 2012
Here is what I did:
I measured all money in terms of sandwiches. Lets say that I sandwich costs $5 and you will eat one a day.
"$50! That is 10 sandwiches! Do you really think that this event is worth me not eating for ten days?"
A few sandwich analogies and they seemed to get the picture.
posted by Shouraku at 8:55 AM on January 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
I measured all money in terms of sandwiches. Lets say that I sandwich costs $5 and you will eat one a day.
"$50! That is 10 sandwiches! Do you really think that this event is worth me not eating for ten days?"
A few sandwich analogies and they seemed to get the picture.
posted by Shouraku at 8:55 AM on January 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
It might be good to deal with this resentment, somehow, soon. Although for reasons that had less to do with my family background, perhaps (I have more or less middle-class, very education-oriented parents who went way beyond their financial means to help me and my siblings through college), I was quite broke while attending the same type of university as you're describing. My particular form of resentment came from the fact that I was very academically disciplined in college, largely because I felt very lucky to be there, given that I was there on someone else's complexly and painfully borrowed dime. It sort of pissed me off that people who weren't really doing much, workwise, would go and spend way more than my monthly food budget on a single Friday night.
My first piece of advice comes from how I reacted to this, and is pragmatic: my observation is that a lot of students who are used to having a lot of money, and for whom freedom-from-parents is kind of new, tend to party a lot and not study much. The same crowd also tends to care deeply what their parents think about their educational performance, starting approximately 1 week before finals. When I snapped to this fact, I started to make serious (for me) bank as a tutor. As well as helping me eat, and forcing me to learn a bunch of interesting stuff outside of my major, this sort of demystified this crowd for me, and humanized them a little. It seems like, culturally, the haven't-worked-for-it wealthy tend to value projecting an air of casual unconcern for life that can make them difficult to know and relate to. It maybe sounds creepy, but I learned a fair amount of empathy from dealing with such people when they were in a kind of vulnerable situation (holy fuck I'm going to fail my finals and my coke money is going to dry up). This eased the resentment quite a bit, because I found that, instead of thinking of them as "privileged", I could think of us as real equals, each taking advantage of the fact that the other had something we needed. (Teaching is also a seriously empathy-inducing activity, by the way: you have to figure out someone else's specific method of not understanding.)
My second piece of advice deals with this response's first sentence. I never entirely cured my resentment/disdain for people I viewed as lazy/entitled, and this turns out to not do me any good. I've since been a TA at that kind of university, and found myself treating students somewhat unfairly on the basis of this kind of resentment. I have spent literally 8 hours in my office helping students who were obviously working very hard in the face of many practical, non-academic concerns (financial or immigration-status-related, usually), but sometimes being a bit dismissive and judgmental of students who remind me of the "lazy, entitled" people I went to college with. This is actually really unprofessional and bad and something I have to be vigilant about.
I guess my advice is to think of your background as being a kind of Darwinian and moral advantage: you are probably a "natural" at work-ethic-y stuff that some of your classmates will be hard-pressed to master. They've got their wealth and you, in this way, have yours. You are entitled to any opinion you like about the relative merits of these two forms of wealth. However, being a "natural" at work-ethic-y stuff constitutes an advantage exactly because it helps you to be independent and to have integrity, and resentment is sort of toxic to those goals. So, to "protect your asset", you have to avoid this resentment somehow. I think the best way to do this is to interact with those people in a setting in which their pecuniary advantage/random confidence is irrelevant.
posted by kengraham at 8:55 AM on January 1, 2012 [10 favorites]
My first piece of advice comes from how I reacted to this, and is pragmatic: my observation is that a lot of students who are used to having a lot of money, and for whom freedom-from-parents is kind of new, tend to party a lot and not study much. The same crowd also tends to care deeply what their parents think about their educational performance, starting approximately 1 week before finals. When I snapped to this fact, I started to make serious (for me) bank as a tutor. As well as helping me eat, and forcing me to learn a bunch of interesting stuff outside of my major, this sort of demystified this crowd for me, and humanized them a little. It seems like, culturally, the haven't-worked-for-it wealthy tend to value projecting an air of casual unconcern for life that can make them difficult to know and relate to. It maybe sounds creepy, but I learned a fair amount of empathy from dealing with such people when they were in a kind of vulnerable situation (holy fuck I'm going to fail my finals and my coke money is going to dry up). This eased the resentment quite a bit, because I found that, instead of thinking of them as "privileged", I could think of us as real equals, each taking advantage of the fact that the other had something we needed. (Teaching is also a seriously empathy-inducing activity, by the way: you have to figure out someone else's specific method of not understanding.)
My second piece of advice deals with this response's first sentence. I never entirely cured my resentment/disdain for people I viewed as lazy/entitled, and this turns out to not do me any good. I've since been a TA at that kind of university, and found myself treating students somewhat unfairly on the basis of this kind of resentment. I have spent literally 8 hours in my office helping students who were obviously working very hard in the face of many practical, non-academic concerns (financial or immigration-status-related, usually), but sometimes being a bit dismissive and judgmental of students who remind me of the "lazy, entitled" people I went to college with. This is actually really unprofessional and bad and something I have to be vigilant about.
I guess my advice is to think of your background as being a kind of Darwinian and moral advantage: you are probably a "natural" at work-ethic-y stuff that some of your classmates will be hard-pressed to master. They've got their wealth and you, in this way, have yours. You are entitled to any opinion you like about the relative merits of these two forms of wealth. However, being a "natural" at work-ethic-y stuff constitutes an advantage exactly because it helps you to be independent and to have integrity, and resentment is sort of toxic to those goals. So, to "protect your asset", you have to avoid this resentment somehow. I think the best way to do this is to interact with those people in a setting in which their pecuniary advantage/random confidence is irrelevant.
posted by kengraham at 8:55 AM on January 1, 2012 [10 favorites]
I don't think you have anything to gain by labeling them as clueless, rude, insensitive, etc. and by getting a new crowd of pals. Assuming you're going to graduate and move into a professional career--you could very well start earning more money in a year than your family of origin saw in 10.
I think you should be very straightforward about what you can and cannot afford to do or spend. Not every rich person spends money like water. I know plenty of working class types who throw cash around like confetti, and enjoy doing so. It's not a crime.
How you feel about money can be separate from how you handle class differences. Being resentful and defensive doesn't gain you any respect and doesn't really make you feel better. You'll be on your own soon enough, and your lessons in frugality will serve you well, if you can be objective. Your family worked hard, as did you, so that you can have this education, and you deserve whatever rewards come from that. You might want to do some reading about how to handle money, savings, credit, etc.. so you can be prepared when you enter the work force.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:57 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think you should be very straightforward about what you can and cannot afford to do or spend. Not every rich person spends money like water. I know plenty of working class types who throw cash around like confetti, and enjoy doing so. It's not a crime.
How you feel about money can be separate from how you handle class differences. Being resentful and defensive doesn't gain you any respect and doesn't really make you feel better. You'll be on your own soon enough, and your lessons in frugality will serve you well, if you can be objective. Your family worked hard, as did you, so that you can have this education, and you deserve whatever rewards come from that. You might want to do some reading about how to handle money, savings, credit, etc.. so you can be prepared when you enter the work force.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:57 AM on January 1, 2012 [3 favorites]
I think you have some great advice here, but you realize that people with a lot of money also have all kinds of fucked up things going on in their family and lives? I'm not defending your friends, but in your mind, you're thinking that if you won the lottery you'd have this kind of exchange with your parents:
You: "Yeah my friends are going out but the event is $50!"
Mom: "Here take $500!"
You: "!?"
Mom: "No really take it I want to see you happy!"
You: "No, I can't do that, that's a ton of money!"
Mom: "Please! Hugs!"
You: "Hugs!"
And you're just all happy for each other. This isn't how, at least in my experience, most wealthy kids interact with their parents. It may be on the outside, but there's a ton of emotional manipulative bullshit that comes with that $500 transfer, the vacation and the clothes. It is parents controlling lives, kids making decisions and life paths they don't really want and everyone walking on eggshells to ensure normalcy is maintained.
One friend started waxing poetic about it the other day, how my kind of family is the foundation of America and we're so strong and we must be so close and blah blah blah.
To me, this is incredibly sad. First, she's a bit of an insensitive prick, but on the other hand this is kind of a poorly worded way of saying she comes from a family with all the fucked upness of the kids from, "Less Than Zero," (I still think Bret Easton Ellis' works are the best satire on the subject).
Okay, just to get that out of the way, Tamanna gives the best advice.
posted by geoff. at 9:10 AM on January 1, 2012 [8 favorites]
You: "Yeah my friends are going out but the event is $50!"
Mom: "Here take $500!"
You: "!?"
Mom: "No really take it I want to see you happy!"
You: "No, I can't do that, that's a ton of money!"
Mom: "Please! Hugs!"
You: "Hugs!"
And you're just all happy for each other. This isn't how, at least in my experience, most wealthy kids interact with their parents. It may be on the outside, but there's a ton of emotional manipulative bullshit that comes with that $500 transfer, the vacation and the clothes. It is parents controlling lives, kids making decisions and life paths they don't really want and everyone walking on eggshells to ensure normalcy is maintained.
One friend started waxing poetic about it the other day, how my kind of family is the foundation of America and we're so strong and we must be so close and blah blah blah.
To me, this is incredibly sad. First, she's a bit of an insensitive prick, but on the other hand this is kind of a poorly worded way of saying she comes from a family with all the fucked upness of the kids from, "Less Than Zero," (I still think Bret Easton Ellis' works are the best satire on the subject).
Okay, just to get that out of the way, Tamanna gives the best advice.
posted by geoff. at 9:10 AM on January 1, 2012 [8 favorites]
How can I stop feeling so alienated/resentful/irritated by my friends' wealth?
By recognizing and curing your own self-contempt for not having that wealth. There is no tablet around Jupiter declaring that the rich are better than those less well-off, and nobody takes their wallet with them when they leave this earth.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:18 AM on January 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
By recognizing and curing your own self-contempt for not having that wealth. There is no tablet around Jupiter declaring that the rich are better than those less well-off, and nobody takes their wallet with them when they leave this earth.
posted by Ironmouth at 9:18 AM on January 1, 2012 [4 favorites]
There's plenty of people who have money without flaunting it. It sounds like you're angry and upset not because they have money, but because they flaunt and squander it. Your examples made me kind of sick (and I come from a background that money, while not overflowing in the bank account, is always available).
Honestly, I don't think I could keep my mouth shut when they act like that. They need to learn to appreciate money -- to understand what it's like to not have it. It might prove a valuable lesson to them for you to tell them about your experiences growing up and get them to realize that money is valuable.
posted by DoubleLune at 9:25 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Honestly, I don't think I could keep my mouth shut when they act like that. They need to learn to appreciate money -- to understand what it's like to not have it. It might prove a valuable lesson to them for you to tell them about your experiences growing up and get them to realize that money is valuable.
posted by DoubleLune at 9:25 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
One friend started waxing poetic about it the other day, how my kind of family is the foundation of America and we're so strong and we must be so close and blah blah blah.
I'm going to say you should count your blessings on this one: imagine you had a "friend" on a tear about "these people aren't really poor, with their big screen TVs; they're just lazy and don't like to work and they want to raise my taxes to pay for it."
I wish I could give you some advice on the expense-of-socializing issue, but I really can't: in my college, the social life sort of deferred to the lifestyles of those with the least disposable income, which is to say we funded social events out of the dorm social budgets rather than expecting our friends to all pay $50 for a night out in the city or a couple hundred ski weekend. College should entail memories of cheap beer, good parties, and budget-outings, not pricey events and meals.
You might want to be up front about the situation to your boyfriend, and finding a social circle that depends less on pricey outings is probably a good idea, too.
Also, don't let your contempt cause you to decide to "stick it" to that crowd by deciding you'll never want to work at a job where you'll be around people with a decent amount of money. Don't let your virtue condemn you to genteel poverty if you can avoid it.
posted by deanc at 9:30 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
I'm going to say you should count your blessings on this one: imagine you had a "friend" on a tear about "these people aren't really poor, with their big screen TVs; they're just lazy and don't like to work and they want to raise my taxes to pay for it."
I wish I could give you some advice on the expense-of-socializing issue, but I really can't: in my college, the social life sort of deferred to the lifestyles of those with the least disposable income, which is to say we funded social events out of the dorm social budgets rather than expecting our friends to all pay $50 for a night out in the city or a couple hundred ski weekend. College should entail memories of cheap beer, good parties, and budget-outings, not pricey events and meals.
You might want to be up front about the situation to your boyfriend, and finding a social circle that depends less on pricey outings is probably a good idea, too.
Also, don't let your contempt cause you to decide to "stick it" to that crowd by deciding you'll never want to work at a job where you'll be around people with a decent amount of money. Don't let your virtue condemn you to genteel poverty if you can avoid it.
posted by deanc at 9:30 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
This is a chance for you to show some leadership, and help to educate your friends.
Your friends did not hurt anyone to acquire their wealth. They were born into it. They are as "at fault" for their ignorance about poverty, as you are "at fault" for not being up on the best ski resorts in Switzerland.
In your question you discuss how difficult your family's financial situation was when you were growing up; be glad that not everyone had such a difficult time. If you shift your perspective a little bit, you may realize how silly and narrow-minded it is to think that everyone should have struggled as much as you did.
I think your struggle is an important part of growing up. Now, you see their self-confidence and "flippant" way of handling money as superior to your own family's struggle with money. But you will eventually learn that they are not superior to you, that their access to money makes them no better than you. You haven't learned that yet, in your heart. You see them as superior because they have money, and you find that unfair. Eventually you will see it as just an indifferent fact, no different from the fact that a person is taller than you or having a different skin tone.
It infuriates me how they can call up their parents and have $500 sent to their account.
Why would this infuriate you? Do you wish you had that money too? Would you turn it down if someone offered it to you?
I'm outright offended when they romanticize the "99% lifestyle". One friend started waxing poetic about it the other day, how my kind of family is the foundation of America and we're so strong and we must be so close and blah blah blah. I wanted to punch her, and I've since distanced myself.
See, I just don't understand that. She is someone who is trying to respect and value your experience, and you regard what she said as an affront. You're in college to learn together. Take the opportunity to open-mindedly talk to her about how it's not as "romantic" as it sounds, about how you struggle with resentment of your friends' wealth, how it's not much consolation to be the "foundation of America" when you live in such precarious financial circumstances.
You're feeling and acting like a victim. Instead, be a leader and an example. Insist on the validity and value of your own experience. Educate others about the fact that not everyone has money like they do.
posted by jayder at 9:47 AM on January 1, 2012 [10 favorites]
Your friends did not hurt anyone to acquire their wealth. They were born into it. They are as "at fault" for their ignorance about poverty, as you are "at fault" for not being up on the best ski resorts in Switzerland.
In your question you discuss how difficult your family's financial situation was when you were growing up; be glad that not everyone had such a difficult time. If you shift your perspective a little bit, you may realize how silly and narrow-minded it is to think that everyone should have struggled as much as you did.
I think your struggle is an important part of growing up. Now, you see their self-confidence and "flippant" way of handling money as superior to your own family's struggle with money. But you will eventually learn that they are not superior to you, that their access to money makes them no better than you. You haven't learned that yet, in your heart. You see them as superior because they have money, and you find that unfair. Eventually you will see it as just an indifferent fact, no different from the fact that a person is taller than you or having a different skin tone.
It infuriates me how they can call up their parents and have $500 sent to their account.
Why would this infuriate you? Do you wish you had that money too? Would you turn it down if someone offered it to you?
I'm outright offended when they romanticize the "99% lifestyle". One friend started waxing poetic about it the other day, how my kind of family is the foundation of America and we're so strong and we must be so close and blah blah blah. I wanted to punch her, and I've since distanced myself.
See, I just don't understand that. She is someone who is trying to respect and value your experience, and you regard what she said as an affront. You're in college to learn together. Take the opportunity to open-mindedly talk to her about how it's not as "romantic" as it sounds, about how you struggle with resentment of your friends' wealth, how it's not much consolation to be the "foundation of America" when you live in such precarious financial circumstances.
You're feeling and acting like a victim. Instead, be a leader and an example. Insist on the validity and value of your own experience. Educate others about the fact that not everyone has money like they do.
posted by jayder at 9:47 AM on January 1, 2012 [10 favorites]
I grew up poor, but now I'm not poor.
I saw people get and do and have things that I never would dare to dream to have, but now I have some of those things. Some of my friends are hurt and resentful and some have told me so to my face. Despite the fact that I never brag, hardly ever buy anything new, I don't ask them to do things they can't afford. Yet they are still resentful.
They forget the 20 years I busted my ass, doing thankless, hard work. They forget that I used to have to make a choice between food and gas. They ignore that I'm grateful for every fucking thing I have, and that I don't look down on them one bit for having less than I do. I know it's different, because I have been broke, and you're talking about friends who were born with money, but money is an issue that divides.
Don't resent your friends, if they really are your friends. Clue them in on your situation, if they persist in showing off, get some new friends, but don't stew in your resentment. If this is about struggling and money, well, that's a barrier. What do you need to do to remove that barrier? If it bugs you that they have it better than you financially, channel some of that pissed-offedness into working one more hour of overtime or whatever. (that's what I did) If it's just about your friends being assholes about their money, it's okay to do the fade.
As deanmc says above: ...don't let your contempt cause you to decide to "stick it" to that crowd by deciding you'll never want to work at a job where you'll be around people with a decent amount of money. Don't let your virtue condemn you to genteel poverty if you can avoid it.
Having money is better than not having money. A loaf of bread is four bucks.
Channel that annoyance.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 10:00 AM on January 1, 2012 [8 favorites]
I saw people get and do and have things that I never would dare to dream to have, but now I have some of those things. Some of my friends are hurt and resentful and some have told me so to my face. Despite the fact that I never brag, hardly ever buy anything new, I don't ask them to do things they can't afford. Yet they are still resentful.
They forget the 20 years I busted my ass, doing thankless, hard work. They forget that I used to have to make a choice between food and gas. They ignore that I'm grateful for every fucking thing I have, and that I don't look down on them one bit for having less than I do. I know it's different, because I have been broke, and you're talking about friends who were born with money, but money is an issue that divides.
Don't resent your friends, if they really are your friends. Clue them in on your situation, if they persist in showing off, get some new friends, but don't stew in your resentment. If this is about struggling and money, well, that's a barrier. What do you need to do to remove that barrier? If it bugs you that they have it better than you financially, channel some of that pissed-offedness into working one more hour of overtime or whatever. (that's what I did) If it's just about your friends being assholes about their money, it's okay to do the fade.
As deanmc says above: ...don't let your contempt cause you to decide to "stick it" to that crowd by deciding you'll never want to work at a job where you'll be around people with a decent amount of money. Don't let your virtue condemn you to genteel poverty if you can avoid it.
Having money is better than not having money. A loaf of bread is four bucks.
Channel that annoyance.
posted by Grlnxtdr at 10:00 AM on January 1, 2012 [8 favorites]
I have mixed feelings on this subject. I went to a private university where tons of students were incredibly privileged and never thought about money, and I had to make do on tiny allowances from my parents. Buying a T-shirt from an activity or going out to eat was a big deal for me, and I felt uncomfortable in even my mixed-income group of friends on numerous occasions. That was me. I mostly tried to deal with it by skirting the subject or getting something small at dinner or what have you.
Then there was an acquaintance of mine who became a suitemate our second year. She came from modest means, had to work to get money for school, etc.—and she just would not shut up about it. For a while I would talk with her about it, agreeing how awfully wasteful people were, how much money they spent on things, and wasn't it just outrageous? It's still outrageous; I recognize that. But after a while, I just got sick of the chip on her shoulder about class, which seemed to manifest itself as bragging and bitterness and being territorial about her food and pots and pans. We had other differences, but that stuff just drove me over the edge.
Now I have a couple coworkers who think they're underpaid—they probably are, but so is most everyone in their positions in our industry—and make a point of talking about how expensive things are when we go out to eat for lunch. Granted, we're all probably spending way too much for lunch, in a way that my previous retail-working self would be a bit appalled by. But I've kind of made my peace with that—I make more now and save more now, and I have my own priorities in that regard—and the endless kvetching from one of these coworkers in particular just grates on me, possibly because it feels like I'm being implicated in some way as profligate, or what have you. (And probably, too, because I have other problems with this person that make things like that grate more.)
Long story short, I understand your situation, and at the same time, I have to caution you. You don't want to be that person who's always talking about money. You'll come off as cheap and petty, even to your friends—especially if there are other interpersonal differences there. I think you can recognize the absurdity of how much some things cost—and how much people are willing to pay for them—and let your friends know the limits of your money situation without straying into becoming that person. If, at that point, when you've been gracious about the differences and approached things with good humor, they still suggest things that cost a lot and say they don't get why it's a problem, well, then it's either time for them to pay, if it's supposedly not such a big deal, or time for you to spread out your allegiances a bit.
But yeah, as others have said, don't let your feelings about money spoil otherwise good relationships or lead you to limit yourself in any way or make a lot of generalizations about class. Some people are just assholes, no matter how much money they have, and many people, especially college students, studies have shown, just don't have the empathy they used to. Don't worry about anyone who doesn't get it—just move on.
posted by limeonaire at 10:37 AM on January 1, 2012
Then there was an acquaintance of mine who became a suitemate our second year. She came from modest means, had to work to get money for school, etc.—and she just would not shut up about it. For a while I would talk with her about it, agreeing how awfully wasteful people were, how much money they spent on things, and wasn't it just outrageous? It's still outrageous; I recognize that. But after a while, I just got sick of the chip on her shoulder about class, which seemed to manifest itself as bragging and bitterness and being territorial about her food and pots and pans. We had other differences, but that stuff just drove me over the edge.
Now I have a couple coworkers who think they're underpaid—they probably are, but so is most everyone in their positions in our industry—and make a point of talking about how expensive things are when we go out to eat for lunch. Granted, we're all probably spending way too much for lunch, in a way that my previous retail-working self would be a bit appalled by. But I've kind of made my peace with that—I make more now and save more now, and I have my own priorities in that regard—and the endless kvetching from one of these coworkers in particular just grates on me, possibly because it feels like I'm being implicated in some way as profligate, or what have you. (And probably, too, because I have other problems with this person that make things like that grate more.)
Long story short, I understand your situation, and at the same time, I have to caution you. You don't want to be that person who's always talking about money. You'll come off as cheap and petty, even to your friends—especially if there are other interpersonal differences there. I think you can recognize the absurdity of how much some things cost—and how much people are willing to pay for them—and let your friends know the limits of your money situation without straying into becoming that person. If, at that point, when you've been gracious about the differences and approached things with good humor, they still suggest things that cost a lot and say they don't get why it's a problem, well, then it's either time for them to pay, if it's supposedly not such a big deal, or time for you to spread out your allegiances a bit.
But yeah, as others have said, don't let your feelings about money spoil otherwise good relationships or lead you to limit yourself in any way or make a lot of generalizations about class. Some people are just assholes, no matter how much money they have, and many people, especially college students, studies have shown, just don't have the empathy they used to. Don't worry about anyone who doesn't get it—just move on.
posted by limeonaire at 10:37 AM on January 1, 2012
Now that I think about it, too, I remember being just out of college and working menial jobs to buy food and pay the rent and bills, and friends wanting to spend $50 on dinner, and my being really frustrated with that situation. That group of friends was always asking "What's next for you?" kinds of questions that always seemed to imply that what I was doing in life wasn't enough, too. I got really frustrated by that striver mentality, in addition to some other interpersonal things, and it led me to drift away from that group. It's kind of sad, 'cause they were interesting, smart people who were maybe just a bit immature, but I just couldn't stand to be around them because of those differences, and I never really managed to articulate why to them. So learn from that mistake, I guess...
posted by limeonaire at 10:56 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by limeonaire at 10:56 AM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
One friend started waxing poetic about it the other day, how my kind of family is the foundation of America and we're so strong and we must be so close and blah blah blah.
When I was in college, at an Ivy, with oodles of trust-fund hippies who gassed on about moving to the country and living off the land, I regaled them with horror stories about growing up on a cattle ranch--blizzards, locusts, wind, heat, dying cattle, etc.. Start telling some tall tales of your own--you're not there to school them about the realities of working for a living. Lay it on thick and have some fun with them.
posted by Ideefixe at 10:56 AM on January 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
When I was in college, at an Ivy, with oodles of trust-fund hippies who gassed on about moving to the country and living off the land, I regaled them with horror stories about growing up on a cattle ranch--blizzards, locusts, wind, heat, dying cattle, etc.. Start telling some tall tales of your own--you're not there to school them about the realities of working for a living. Lay it on thick and have some fun with them.
posted by Ideefixe at 10:56 AM on January 1, 2012 [5 favorites]
I was a student at one of those US News Top 20 universities too, in Maryland. The room and board allowance in my financial aid package only paid for 14 meals a week at the dining hall, so I had to have a part-time campus job just to be able to eat three times a day (we weren't allowed to cook in the dorms).
Unfortunately, it's not only very expensive to attend college, it's expensive to be a student and do student things, too. Lack of a steady source of spending money can severely affect your social life at school, ability to study abroad, find internships, and so on. It's more than just resentment; it can have lasting effects on your future life.
Universities do usually make an effort to offer additional resources to students in hardship, although at an upper-echelon school support programs will be fewer than at a large state school:
posted by Nomyte at 11:46 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
Unfortunately, it's not only very expensive to attend college, it's expensive to be a student and do student things, too. Lack of a steady source of spending money can severely affect your social life at school, ability to study abroad, find internships, and so on. It's more than just resentment; it can have lasting effects on your future life.
Universities do usually make an effort to offer additional resources to students in hardship, although at an upper-echelon school support programs will be fewer than at a large state school:
- see if your school has a support program for "first-generation college students" or something similar (mentioned above)
- the office of the dean of students (of your division) may have a "sympathetic listener" support program for students
- support programs may be offered by the office of student diversity (if present)
- the student health center at my school ran a peer-to-peer listening program for students who feel down
- when my family's financial situation changed, I had some luck negotiating additional financial aid for the year
- consider talking to your financial aid counselor about money for incidental living expenses — it may be reasonable to take out an additional loan for $500-$1000 (depending on terms)
- ask your student career center about internship stipends, grants, and scholarships — ask well in advance of application deadlines
- university-based and government-based grants are available to fund study abroad (which is usually both unaffordable and very rewarding)
posted by Nomyte at 11:46 AM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
Gently put, you get over being resentful by realizing that everyone has some form of privilege, as so do you. And you're sort of oozing it.
For example, so many posters have commiserated with you that they too were working class, but do you note that no one has pointed out to you that while you're going on with your issue about your friends, you actually have the priviledge of attending college? At a stellar institution? That your family even have a paycheck to paycheck living because they have jobs? That you actually eat every day? That you are essentially in a safe environment at your university? That your U.S.-based privilege seems invisible to you from your post? No? Because I've got family in a non U.S. country who are never, ever going to get the opportunities that you have or are going to have.
They don't deserve it any more than you do, because it is just luck of the draw to be born in a country where people live on the equivalent of less than $1,000 US a year, as it is to be born into a family that has $100 million. Stop using jedi mind tricks by convincing yourself that your experience has taught you valuable skills they never had, like hard work, and the value of a dollar. It's just a way of you trying to level the playing field - everybody's uninformed or tone deaf about something - why not your friends.
The thing is - it's not only the supposed 1% are so unaware - a lot of us anywhere in that 99% fail to recognize our lack of awareness as well. So you can't spend $50 on dinner, but almost all of your Maslow's basic needs are taken care of at your university, where right now you actually have access to education, housing, health services, mental health services, a career center, campus police, and alumni contacts, and heck, 24 hour electricity (no rolling brown outs for you!), on and on. So you're what - in the top 30% in the world? And you actually have friends.
Because there only thing more annoying than some guy who has priviledge blindly showing their entitled bewilderment, is listening to a second guy who also benefits from some pretty amazing privilege complaining about that first guy. You are that second guy. Don't be that second guy. So talk to you friends, and keep working on getting your own head right.
Whatever you'd like your richer friends to know about you and treat you, because you're slightly amazed that they could have gotten so far without being aware of how the world is, imagine someone right now wants to tell you that. Imagine you're behavior is infuriating them, but they really like you. How would you like to hear it? Because whatever that is, go tell that to your friends in that way. Okay, so your friends don't realize that you feel frustrated when they keep insisting you come to something because they don't realize you can't afford it. Well, appreciate the fact that they invited you, and tell them what's up and suggest something else, and be gracious if they offer to pay. Some other friend spoke unskillfully, glamorizing the occupy wallstreet movement? Okay - We all have some blind spots, or things we aren't aware of - if you are their friend, then be a friend and tell them what is true for you, without making them feel as if they should feel bad for their lack of awareness.
Jaydar is right - you are all there to learn something at that university of yours, also from each other. Your resentment is just a feeling - it is your behavior that matters. No friend wants to accidentally make another friend uncomfortable. Some of yours have be failing to realizing what not having $50 bucks means. They don't necessarily need to understand to be your friend. So tell them that you don't have $50, and regardless of whether or not they get it, tell them you can't go to X, but that you'd like to hang out. Then suggest the usually pretty good on campus cheap movie night with the $1 popcorn, and get on with it. People who want to be your friends will take you up on your offer.
TL;DR: Practice gratitude more.
posted by anitanita at 12:07 PM on January 1, 2012 [16 favorites]
For example, so many posters have commiserated with you that they too were working class, but do you note that no one has pointed out to you that while you're going on with your issue about your friends, you actually have the priviledge of attending college? At a stellar institution? That your family even have a paycheck to paycheck living because they have jobs? That you actually eat every day? That you are essentially in a safe environment at your university? That your U.S.-based privilege seems invisible to you from your post? No? Because I've got family in a non U.S. country who are never, ever going to get the opportunities that you have or are going to have.
They don't deserve it any more than you do, because it is just luck of the draw to be born in a country where people live on the equivalent of less than $1,000 US a year, as it is to be born into a family that has $100 million. Stop using jedi mind tricks by convincing yourself that your experience has taught you valuable skills they never had, like hard work, and the value of a dollar. It's just a way of you trying to level the playing field - everybody's uninformed or tone deaf about something - why not your friends.
The thing is - it's not only the supposed 1% are so unaware - a lot of us anywhere in that 99% fail to recognize our lack of awareness as well. So you can't spend $50 on dinner, but almost all of your Maslow's basic needs are taken care of at your university, where right now you actually have access to education, housing, health services, mental health services, a career center, campus police, and alumni contacts, and heck, 24 hour electricity (no rolling brown outs for you!), on and on. So you're what - in the top 30% in the world? And you actually have friends.
Because there only thing more annoying than some guy who has priviledge blindly showing their entitled bewilderment, is listening to a second guy who also benefits from some pretty amazing privilege complaining about that first guy. You are that second guy. Don't be that second guy. So talk to you friends, and keep working on getting your own head right.
Whatever you'd like your richer friends to know about you and treat you, because you're slightly amazed that they could have gotten so far without being aware of how the world is, imagine someone right now wants to tell you that. Imagine you're behavior is infuriating them, but they really like you. How would you like to hear it? Because whatever that is, go tell that to your friends in that way. Okay, so your friends don't realize that you feel frustrated when they keep insisting you come to something because they don't realize you can't afford it. Well, appreciate the fact that they invited you, and tell them what's up and suggest something else, and be gracious if they offer to pay. Some other friend spoke unskillfully, glamorizing the occupy wallstreet movement? Okay - We all have some blind spots, or things we aren't aware of - if you are their friend, then be a friend and tell them what is true for you, without making them feel as if they should feel bad for their lack of awareness.
Jaydar is right - you are all there to learn something at that university of yours, also from each other. Your resentment is just a feeling - it is your behavior that matters. No friend wants to accidentally make another friend uncomfortable. Some of yours have be failing to realizing what not having $50 bucks means. They don't necessarily need to understand to be your friend. So tell them that you don't have $50, and regardless of whether or not they get it, tell them you can't go to X, but that you'd like to hang out. Then suggest the usually pretty good on campus cheap movie night with the $1 popcorn, and get on with it. People who want to be your friends will take you up on your offer.
TL;DR: Practice gratitude more.
posted by anitanita at 12:07 PM on January 1, 2012 [16 favorites]
Explain how it is for you in as plain terms as you can, with real numbers. Explain using words also how this reality has made you very sensitive to money issues.
Those who are interested in friendship will listen and adapt by showing kindness, understanding, changing habits of things done together, and/or occasionally treating you, as they can no more rid themselves of their backgrounds and means as you can yours.
Those that don't adapt aren't your friends.
posted by ead at 12:43 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Those who are interested in friendship will listen and adapt by showing kindness, understanding, changing habits of things done together, and/or occasionally treating you, as they can no more rid themselves of their backgrounds and means as you can yours.
Those that don't adapt aren't your friends.
posted by ead at 12:43 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Ok, here is a suggestion for you that is joked about as being an AskMefi stock answer, but I still haven't seen it in this thread: therapy. Or, really, counselling.
Your friends are insensitive, and should know better. I totally agree that you are justified in finding their assumptions and insensitivity infuriating.
So, if your friends are the ones with the problem, why on earth would I suggest counselling? Because of this:
You write "The resentment I feel for the flippant way they handle money is really, really bothering me."
and "I feel like such an asshole for thinking this way"
If your friends are jerks and make you feel bad, and the problem is 100% on them, you should just dump them, make new friends that are not jerks, and never look back.
But, I think that the essence of your question is that you like your friends, except when they expose their economic ignorance about how most people live, and take their privilege for granted. And that you feel conflicted within yourself-- you are angry at them, but you don't want to be angry with them. And also, even when your friends say stupid shit about the 99%, you can at least acknowledge that their hearts are in the right place, even if they have abandoned common sense.
If these people are your friends, it must be because you click on many different levels, and have much in common with them, except when it comes to the issue of money. I bet you have all been mutually supportive of each other for conflicts, for romantic issues, and with academic things, and in many ways have similar value systems and mutual respect for one another.
This is an internal conflict, and therapy is really good at helping people to reframe internal conflicts so that they just don't bother you as much. Also, carrying anger and resentment around with you is not healthy, and neither is having an emotional wall between your friends, who you depend on (reciprocally) for support and understanding, and yourself.
Also, practically speaking, if you make friends that come from similar income levels as yourself and you hang on to your old friends, it is not good to be hanging out in two crowds, and venting your frustrations about the ignorance of your richer friends to your blue-collar friends. Or to be leading a "double life" where you never introduce these friends to the other friends. If you need to vent, it is probably best to do it to a third party (e.g., therapist) who can be trusted not to repeat anything, or get mixed up in your social life as someone with a competing claim on your time and friendship.
Another thing that I detect a whiff of in your question is a bit of a withdrawing/avoidant personality. Instead of carefully and clearly explaining to one of your friends exactly what your situation is, you seem to tend to get angry and withdraw yourself. It is unfair that as the person of lesser privilege, the burden is on you to be the patient explainer of things that people SHOULD already know. But unfortunately, that is the way that things are. And I would hope that in confiding with them and helping them to empathize with you, they will come away with greater insight about the world, and that you will feel closer with them.
Finally, just as an opinion, although you feel like a blue-collar person now, in a few years you will have $200k of education in your pocket (if price is the fair way to value it). Or, you could view your education as being worth $5m if you choose to become an investment banker or consultant (which is just about the only profession I can think of that, seems to me at least, relatively closed off to, say, a super-smart, hard-working person who graduated at the top of their class at a flagship state university.) It seems to me that people of more modest backgrounds tend to shy away from pursuing super-high-income careers, and its a shame because if it were up to me, if the overall structure of our capitalist economy is taken as fixed, I would choose them to be entrusted with awesome and disproportionate amounts of economic power.
posted by Maxwell_Smart at 1:20 PM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
Your friends are insensitive, and should know better. I totally agree that you are justified in finding their assumptions and insensitivity infuriating.
So, if your friends are the ones with the problem, why on earth would I suggest counselling? Because of this:
You write "The resentment I feel for the flippant way they handle money is really, really bothering me."
and "I feel like such an asshole for thinking this way"
If your friends are jerks and make you feel bad, and the problem is 100% on them, you should just dump them, make new friends that are not jerks, and never look back.
But, I think that the essence of your question is that you like your friends, except when they expose their economic ignorance about how most people live, and take their privilege for granted. And that you feel conflicted within yourself-- you are angry at them, but you don't want to be angry with them. And also, even when your friends say stupid shit about the 99%, you can at least acknowledge that their hearts are in the right place, even if they have abandoned common sense.
If these people are your friends, it must be because you click on many different levels, and have much in common with them, except when it comes to the issue of money. I bet you have all been mutually supportive of each other for conflicts, for romantic issues, and with academic things, and in many ways have similar value systems and mutual respect for one another.
This is an internal conflict, and therapy is really good at helping people to reframe internal conflicts so that they just don't bother you as much. Also, carrying anger and resentment around with you is not healthy, and neither is having an emotional wall between your friends, who you depend on (reciprocally) for support and understanding, and yourself.
Also, practically speaking, if you make friends that come from similar income levels as yourself and you hang on to your old friends, it is not good to be hanging out in two crowds, and venting your frustrations about the ignorance of your richer friends to your blue-collar friends. Or to be leading a "double life" where you never introduce these friends to the other friends. If you need to vent, it is probably best to do it to a third party (e.g., therapist) who can be trusted not to repeat anything, or get mixed up in your social life as someone with a competing claim on your time and friendship.
Another thing that I detect a whiff of in your question is a bit of a withdrawing/avoidant personality. Instead of carefully and clearly explaining to one of your friends exactly what your situation is, you seem to tend to get angry and withdraw yourself. It is unfair that as the person of lesser privilege, the burden is on you to be the patient explainer of things that people SHOULD already know. But unfortunately, that is the way that things are. And I would hope that in confiding with them and helping them to empathize with you, they will come away with greater insight about the world, and that you will feel closer with them.
Finally, just as an opinion, although you feel like a blue-collar person now, in a few years you will have $200k of education in your pocket (if price is the fair way to value it). Or, you could view your education as being worth $5m if you choose to become an investment banker or consultant (which is just about the only profession I can think of that, seems to me at least, relatively closed off to, say, a super-smart, hard-working person who graduated at the top of their class at a flagship state university.) It seems to me that people of more modest backgrounds tend to shy away from pursuing super-high-income careers, and its a shame because if it were up to me, if the overall structure of our capitalist economy is taken as fixed, I would choose them to be entrusted with awesome and disproportionate amounts of economic power.
posted by Maxwell_Smart at 1:20 PM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
This book helped make me feel a bit better: Limbo: Blue-Collar Roots, White-Collar Dreams.
posted by waterandrock at 1:45 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by waterandrock at 1:45 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
I came in to say what ead said. 20 years ago, I spent most of college in a group house with three kids with way more money than my family had. Like, summers in Vienna, fly to your condo in Aspen for the weekend, get a new grand piano because you don't want to wait for a practice room at school money. My family wasn't poor or even working class (I graduated with less than 5k debt and my parents' lifestyle did not change much, putting us through school), so my situation was not exactly like yours--but most of my friends came from families with significantly more money than mine. Where I needed my work-study job for most of my spending cash, a couple of my friends would never need a job for any reason. It came down to explaining when I could afford something and reminding my friends to check their privilege. Sometimes they floated me; sometimes we did something else instead; sometimes I did not go along. One guy never went on a date with me again because his mom was afraid I was after his money (oddly enough, I thought he was like me and one of the "poor" kids).
In any event, you're not an asshole for feeling awkward, resentful or excluded when someone dismisses your concerns about how much an activity costs by trivializing the amount an activity costs. You're not an asshole, honestly, for any feeling you have; you only become an asshole is you act like an asshole in response to how you feel, but that's a different question.. The best thing to do is to gently point out to your friends that the amount is not trivial to you and you can't participate. Either your friendships will adapt or they will fade; or you will run up unconscionable credit card bills playing along. Don't do they credit card thing; it's not worth it.
You're not an asshole for not liking your friend making assumptions about--and romanticizing--your family and childhood. We don't know her motivations; assuming the best of her--that she wasn't malicious, just immature--it was a dumb thing for her to say and, again, you should call her out on it. Maybe she's embarrassed by suddenly realizing how much privilege she has. Maybe she's worried you think she thinks she's better than you. Maybe a million other things. You know her and we don't; so you should be able to come up with the best way to talk to her about it. But she really has no business waxing poetic about your life and exoticizing it. It's definitely a natural impulse in college--both to be thrilled that you have a new friend whose life experience is so alien to your own and to be excited that you're the sort of person who can have friends who are so different. That's a big part of college: learning how many different life experiences there really are and learning how to relate to people with different life experiences. Sounds like you're both navigating this and since you like each other, there's no reason you can't work on it together. This conversation with your friend with be a lot more difficult than the straightforward, "hey I can't afford to live like $50 is no big deal." conversation.
Also, Maxwell_Smart's comment strikes me as pretty insightful.
posted by crush-onastick at 2:15 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
In any event, you're not an asshole for feeling awkward, resentful or excluded when someone dismisses your concerns about how much an activity costs by trivializing the amount an activity costs. You're not an asshole, honestly, for any feeling you have; you only become an asshole is you act like an asshole in response to how you feel, but that's a different question.. The best thing to do is to gently point out to your friends that the amount is not trivial to you and you can't participate. Either your friendships will adapt or they will fade; or you will run up unconscionable credit card bills playing along. Don't do they credit card thing; it's not worth it.
You're not an asshole for not liking your friend making assumptions about--and romanticizing--your family and childhood. We don't know her motivations; assuming the best of her--that she wasn't malicious, just immature--it was a dumb thing for her to say and, again, you should call her out on it. Maybe she's embarrassed by suddenly realizing how much privilege she has. Maybe she's worried you think she thinks she's better than you. Maybe a million other things. You know her and we don't; so you should be able to come up with the best way to talk to her about it. But she really has no business waxing poetic about your life and exoticizing it. It's definitely a natural impulse in college--both to be thrilled that you have a new friend whose life experience is so alien to your own and to be excited that you're the sort of person who can have friends who are so different. That's a big part of college: learning how many different life experiences there really are and learning how to relate to people with different life experiences. Sounds like you're both navigating this and since you like each other, there's no reason you can't work on it together. This conversation with your friend with be a lot more difficult than the straightforward, "hey I can't afford to live like $50 is no big deal." conversation.
Also, Maxwell_Smart's comment strikes me as pretty insightful.
posted by crush-onastick at 2:15 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
One way that I've dealt with this in the past is to try to intellectualize the resentment. Remember that people in general have an overwhelming bias towards regarding themselves as "normal" and to assume similar experience/emotions/opinions in others. The above advice about gently explaining to your friends how you feel is the logical response.
posted by Wretch729 at 2:53 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Wretch729 at 2:53 PM on January 1, 2012 [1 favorite]
Please don't feel you're under any obligation to educate others about your working-class background. This is the kind of attitude that can make people from diverse backgrounds (race, class, gender, sexuality, religion, etc.) uncomfortable on university campuses. It has the potential to make people feel they were admitted to an elite university for the education of the monied/white/American/etc. students. You don't have to be like an exhibit at a museum; it's your college too.
I'd make new friends if I were you. My best friend at my elite liberal arts college was from significant money, while I was there on four scholarships, loans, work-study, and some parental help. (I am from a blue-collar background.) He quietly paid for me when I would let him and we also did a lot of free activities, thanks to an activities fee that everyone had to pay.
If you want to keep your friends, I agree with those suggesting you be direct. I once was accused of being "grade-obsessed" by a friend whose grandmother was paying her and her brother's way through school. I replied, "Well, we can't all be trust-fund babies. I need to keep my grades up to stay here." For the record, we stayed friends...even though she told me later that my comment stayed with her for a long time.
For the record, I didn't think that was such a bad thing.
posted by dovesandstones at 5:49 PM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
I'd make new friends if I were you. My best friend at my elite liberal arts college was from significant money, while I was there on four scholarships, loans, work-study, and some parental help. (I am from a blue-collar background.) He quietly paid for me when I would let him and we also did a lot of free activities, thanks to an activities fee that everyone had to pay.
If you want to keep your friends, I agree with those suggesting you be direct. I once was accused of being "grade-obsessed" by a friend whose grandmother was paying her and her brother's way through school. I replied, "Well, we can't all be trust-fund babies. I need to keep my grades up to stay here." For the record, we stayed friends...even though she told me later that my comment stayed with her for a long time.
For the record, I didn't think that was such a bad thing.
posted by dovesandstones at 5:49 PM on January 1, 2012 [2 favorites]
I have occasionally wanted to link this piece on being poor to clueless well-off friends. For me, it's a little too apt, and a little too bleak, so I haven't yet worked up the nerve.
posted by Arethusa at 12:22 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Arethusa at 12:22 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
How can I feel better about this?
You could learn to suppress your desires for worldly goods and become more open about and accepting of your poverty.
If you want to feel cool, remember that it is always far cooler, far more street, far more respectable, to be poor and independent than to be a coddled rich kid. Your rich friends will be embarrassed by and jealous of you being the only one without a bottomless bank account. You're all standing on the same tight rope, but they're all wearing safety harnesses connected to thick cables slung from above while you fearlessly balance yourself on the wire with no net and no harness. Your friends -- the smart ones, anyway -- know this and feel this.
If a friend asks you to attend a fifty-dollar event, admit that you don't have that kind of money. If your friend volunteers to pay for your attendance, and if you really want to go, you could accept the gift and go. Later you can make up for it by inviting your rich friend to a free or inexpensive event of your own design and creation, like a beautiful picnic or exciting hike or home-cooked lunch or a trip to the museum on a free night. If you figure taking a dollar out of your pocket feels like taking fifty dollars out of your friend's pocket (because your friend's daddy owns a big company, brings home a shitload of dollars, and shovels a lot of those dollars into your friend's pockets), make sure your friend gets a dollar's worth of your fantastic picnic fare and then consider yourselves quite even.
posted by pracowity at 1:24 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
You could learn to suppress your desires for worldly goods and become more open about and accepting of your poverty.
If you want to feel cool, remember that it is always far cooler, far more street, far more respectable, to be poor and independent than to be a coddled rich kid. Your rich friends will be embarrassed by and jealous of you being the only one without a bottomless bank account. You're all standing on the same tight rope, but they're all wearing safety harnesses connected to thick cables slung from above while you fearlessly balance yourself on the wire with no net and no harness. Your friends -- the smart ones, anyway -- know this and feel this.
If a friend asks you to attend a fifty-dollar event, admit that you don't have that kind of money. If your friend volunteers to pay for your attendance, and if you really want to go, you could accept the gift and go. Later you can make up for it by inviting your rich friend to a free or inexpensive event of your own design and creation, like a beautiful picnic or exciting hike or home-cooked lunch or a trip to the museum on a free night. If you figure taking a dollar out of your pocket feels like taking fifty dollars out of your friend's pocket (because your friend's daddy owns a big company, brings home a shitload of dollars, and shovels a lot of those dollars into your friend's pockets), make sure your friend gets a dollar's worth of your fantastic picnic fare and then consider yourselves quite even.
posted by pracowity at 1:24 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
Offer to switch places with them for a few weeks. Have them give you unlimited amounts of money while they give up all their clothes/car/planes/European vacations/deluxe parties/etc. in favor of doing something free/wearing thrift clothes/etc.
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 5:26 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Ms. Moonlight at 5:26 AM on January 2, 2012 [1 favorite]
I have the feeling you don't realize how lucky you are. You are at a top 20 university in the US. This reads to me as if you are as clueless about your situation as your friends are about theirs. Be grateful for what you have and gracefully and honestly decline when you can't join them. If you want to still hang out with them invite them over for a movie after their outing or whatever. Just don't be resentful because it's such a useless feeling (and it's making me a little bit resentful, too).
posted by Tarumba at 2:54 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
posted by Tarumba at 2:54 PM on January 2, 2012 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Honestly, I don't think you are irritated about your friends' and boyfriend's wealth; you're angry about the way they treat you when it comes to money.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 7:28 AM on January 1, 2012 [17 favorites]