Merry Christmas
December 25, 2011 12:07 AM Subscribe
Need something to help me get through the holiday
I don't suppose many people will see this since I'm late, but I figured I'd try asking now anyway.
I'm on the verge of the breakup of my 10-month relationship (first serious relationship). Part of me feels dumb for feeling so sad, since I think most people don't think 10 months is even that long.
If I think rationally I would probably think this is for the best--I'm unsure and have doubts about the future because of religious differences (I'm Christian, he's not), because of said religious differences I've had a hard time getting my family to accept him, I'm not sure if I want kids (indifferent) while he is sure he wants a family. I suppose it is really my fault, I expressed these concerns to him because I thought it only fair, and said I would understand if he wanted to just be friends, since he's looking for solid commitment. Well, it looks like that's the way it's going to be....It really doesn't seem like a good match on paper, but I really love him. He's trustworthy, honest, patient, always willing to communicate when I want to talk about something, kind, courteous, thoughtful, loving. And I find him insanely attractive, to boot. I think it's especially hard because I've never felt so loved by someone before, in this way. He loves me when I'm grumpy, grouchy, crying and snotty, and all that. I've read a lot of breakup askme's, and I know that all that about how there are others who will I will love and who will love me even better, but it doesn't feel that way.
We're going to talk in a few days, and part of me wants to try to make things work/keep going. I don't know if that's a wise move, it might just be the first-love-feelings at work.
In the meantime, though, I have to get through Christmas tomorrow with the family. How do I do that? I was trying to keep it together, but I started crying and am now in headachey-feeling ill-cry-mode. Since a lot of my family were iffy about this relationship I also don't know if I'll get much comfort there, and I really don't think "well, we saw it coming" or "it's for the best" are what I need right now.
What are some things I can do to get through the holiday?
I don't suppose many people will see this since I'm late, but I figured I'd try asking now anyway.
I'm on the verge of the breakup of my 10-month relationship (first serious relationship). Part of me feels dumb for feeling so sad, since I think most people don't think 10 months is even that long.
If I think rationally I would probably think this is for the best--I'm unsure and have doubts about the future because of religious differences (I'm Christian, he's not), because of said religious differences I've had a hard time getting my family to accept him, I'm not sure if I want kids (indifferent) while he is sure he wants a family. I suppose it is really my fault, I expressed these concerns to him because I thought it only fair, and said I would understand if he wanted to just be friends, since he's looking for solid commitment. Well, it looks like that's the way it's going to be....It really doesn't seem like a good match on paper, but I really love him. He's trustworthy, honest, patient, always willing to communicate when I want to talk about something, kind, courteous, thoughtful, loving. And I find him insanely attractive, to boot. I think it's especially hard because I've never felt so loved by someone before, in this way. He loves me when I'm grumpy, grouchy, crying and snotty, and all that. I've read a lot of breakup askme's, and I know that all that about how there are others who will I will love and who will love me even better, but it doesn't feel that way.
We're going to talk in a few days, and part of me wants to try to make things work/keep going. I don't know if that's a wise move, it might just be the first-love-feelings at work.
In the meantime, though, I have to get through Christmas tomorrow with the family. How do I do that? I was trying to keep it together, but I started crying and am now in headachey-feeling ill-cry-mode. Since a lot of my family were iffy about this relationship I also don't know if I'll get much comfort there, and I really don't think "well, we saw it coming" or "it's for the best" are what I need right now.
What are some things I can do to get through the holiday?
Call a good friend.
posted by oceanjesse at 12:15 AM on December 25, 2011
posted by oceanjesse at 12:15 AM on December 25, 2011
Anxiety is all about fear of the future. The trouble with the future, though, is that we ultimately have no control over it. We have to let go of our desire to know absolutely everything about it, and sometimes that means listening to our hearts on something like this and ignoring our head for a while. Give yourself a good week to think and really listen to what your inner voice says. The two things you've listed as the Big Things are big, but with the right person they can become just Things.
Tomorrow, be kind to yourself. If you can't handle being around your family for the entire day, don't do it. Be there for 5 hours, then take a walk. Go see a movie. Rest. Don't confide in your family.
Above all else, know this: you alone know what's best for you. So trust yourself, and let go of your anxiety for now. I've just put my relationship (same time frame, 10 mo or so) into deep freeze because my BF and I need time to consider if it's right for us. I worry about it all the time because I want it to be right. I am letting go now because if it is right, it will happen, and if it isn't, the better person will be waiting. I hope the same for you.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:21 AM on December 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Tomorrow, be kind to yourself. If you can't handle being around your family for the entire day, don't do it. Be there for 5 hours, then take a walk. Go see a movie. Rest. Don't confide in your family.
Above all else, know this: you alone know what's best for you. So trust yourself, and let go of your anxiety for now. I've just put my relationship (same time frame, 10 mo or so) into deep freeze because my BF and I need time to consider if it's right for us. I worry about it all the time because I want it to be right. I am letting go now because if it is right, it will happen, and if it isn't, the better person will be waiting. I hope the same for you.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 12:21 AM on December 25, 2011 [3 favorites]
Three things.
1) Don't underestimate how important fulfillment is in a relationship. Fulfillment comes from shared goals, wants, and needs. No matter how trustworthy, honest, patient, etc a person is, if you do not want the same things you're going to have a very difficult time.
2) You get through the holiday by avoiding him as a concept for as much of the day as possible. Talk about what everyone else is doing and rebuff anything to do with him. You need space and time and really the only way to cope right now is via deflection. Take more time to yourself and be nice to yourself above all else.
3) If we don't feel sad then if means that it wasn't really all that important to us. It's good to have things that are important to us. It just means that sometimes they will make us very sad.
posted by mleigh at 12:30 AM on December 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
1) Don't underestimate how important fulfillment is in a relationship. Fulfillment comes from shared goals, wants, and needs. No matter how trustworthy, honest, patient, etc a person is, if you do not want the same things you're going to have a very difficult time.
2) You get through the holiday by avoiding him as a concept for as much of the day as possible. Talk about what everyone else is doing and rebuff anything to do with him. You need space and time and really the only way to cope right now is via deflection. Take more time to yourself and be nice to yourself above all else.
3) If we don't feel sad then if means that it wasn't really all that important to us. It's good to have things that are important to us. It just means that sometimes they will make us very sad.
posted by mleigh at 12:30 AM on December 25, 2011 [7 favorites]
Don't tell your family if you don't think they'll be supportive. But if you have 1 or 2 people that you DO think would give you the support you need, talk to them. Tell them what's up, and they can be your allies in the next couple of days. If the conversation starts to steer towards this relationship, they can play interference. If they notice you start to lose it, they can distract you, or come up with a reason to get you away from the crowd for a bit to cool down.
You don't need to sort out how you feel about this situation right now. You can do that after the 25th, when the crowds have dispersed and you have room to think again. Watch silly movies. Childhood classics that remind you of all the love and happiness that come from good friends and family. Avoid anything with a romance plot line. Knowing myself, I wouldn't drink much/at all if I were in your shoes.
Put on an outfit that makes you feel lovely. Take care with your hair and makeup, if that's your bag. (It's like a suit of armor -- even if I *feel* like shit, at least you can't tell just by glancing at me!) Help in the kitchen. Play with kids and/or pets, if there are any around. Go for walks. It feels better to be up and doing something. If your family are up for it, mentally-stimulating games like Cranium or TriBond may take your mind off things. But also be lenient with yourself. If you feel like you must hide and sob, go do that for a little while. It's okay if you can't "fake it" all the time.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Don't feel dumb for feeling sad! Our investment in people/relationships isn't always measurable in number of months. It takes a lot of courage, maturity, and strength to really evaluate a relationship on the points you've mentioned, especially when the partner in question is an all-round great person.
It does sort of sound like you've already made up your mind though, but are waffling because you don't want to go through the pain and grief and loneliness. And oh yeah, there's gonna be a lot of that. It'll feel a bit like the person actually died, because you can't have them in your life anymore (at least, not in the way you're used to). And it will suck for a while (the 1st time, especially, sucks a lot). But eventually... eventually it will get easier. I promise it will.
As for afterwards, I find journalling really helpful. It lets me get all the chaos out of my head, in a way where I don't feel like I'm pouring out my heartache onto any poor soul in earshot. It also helps me to look at the situation with a bit more objectivity (though admittedly that often takes some time), and it's just nice to be able to look back and (hopefully) learn from / reflect on how I felt at the time. Do lean on good friends. They love you and want to help you. Don't be ashamed/embarassed/whatever to call them up and demand that they come over and watch stupid TV in silence, if that's what you want. Merely having someone supportive with you, even if you're not really doing anything at all, is surprisingly comforting.
Good luck with this. I hope the holidays go as smoothly as possible for you, and may your new year bring with it peace, clarity, and happier times.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 2:34 AM on December 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
You don't need to sort out how you feel about this situation right now. You can do that after the 25th, when the crowds have dispersed and you have room to think again. Watch silly movies. Childhood classics that remind you of all the love and happiness that come from good friends and family. Avoid anything with a romance plot line. Knowing myself, I wouldn't drink much/at all if I were in your shoes.
Put on an outfit that makes you feel lovely. Take care with your hair and makeup, if that's your bag. (It's like a suit of armor -- even if I *feel* like shit, at least you can't tell just by glancing at me!) Help in the kitchen. Play with kids and/or pets, if there are any around. Go for walks. It feels better to be up and doing something. If your family are up for it, mentally-stimulating games like Cranium or TriBond may take your mind off things. But also be lenient with yourself. If you feel like you must hide and sob, go do that for a little while. It's okay if you can't "fake it" all the time.
I'm really sorry you're going through this. Don't feel dumb for feeling sad! Our investment in people/relationships isn't always measurable in number of months. It takes a lot of courage, maturity, and strength to really evaluate a relationship on the points you've mentioned, especially when the partner in question is an all-round great person.
It does sort of sound like you've already made up your mind though, but are waffling because you don't want to go through the pain and grief and loneliness. And oh yeah, there's gonna be a lot of that. It'll feel a bit like the person actually died, because you can't have them in your life anymore (at least, not in the way you're used to). And it will suck for a while (the 1st time, especially, sucks a lot). But eventually... eventually it will get easier. I promise it will.
As for afterwards, I find journalling really helpful. It lets me get all the chaos out of my head, in a way where I don't feel like I'm pouring out my heartache onto any poor soul in earshot. It also helps me to look at the situation with a bit more objectivity (though admittedly that often takes some time), and it's just nice to be able to look back and (hopefully) learn from / reflect on how I felt at the time. Do lean on good friends. They love you and want to help you. Don't be ashamed/embarassed/whatever to call them up and demand that they come over and watch stupid TV in silence, if that's what you want. Merely having someone supportive with you, even if you're not really doing anything at all, is surprisingly comforting.
Good luck with this. I hope the holidays go as smoothly as possible for you, and may your new year bring with it peace, clarity, and happier times.
posted by miss_kitty_fantastico at 2:34 AM on December 25, 2011 [2 favorites]
I find the Buddhist practice of being present really helps me a lot when I'm trying to "keep it together" and not think about other drama. Put this relationship drama on your "back burner" and go out and enjoy the day with your family and find the positives in that. Deal with your relationship with your boyfriend after the holidays.
Another strategy for crappy holidays with the family is to hang out a lot with the children. They're usually a lot more fun and a lot less catty than the adults. Good luck getting through it, you're not alone at all.
posted by NoraCharles at 4:54 AM on December 25, 2011
Another strategy for crappy holidays with the family is to hang out a lot with the children. They're usually a lot more fun and a lot less catty than the adults. Good luck getting through it, you're not alone at all.
posted by NoraCharles at 4:54 AM on December 25, 2011
I think your first love is always the hardest breakup. I still get teary when I think of mine, and that ended years ago. My best strategy for keeping things together is to make myself busy and not think about it. Maybe instead of sitting around just talking with the family, you can be helping in the kitchen, watching little ones (if there are any), cleaning up after Christmas dinner, that kind of stuff. Save thinking about it for when you're by yourself or with someone you trust to be understanding about it.
And I'm sorry. Just remember that there are billions of people on the planet and chances are you'll find one who not only completely adores you, but also has similar life goals to you.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:23 AM on December 25, 2011
And I'm sorry. Just remember that there are billions of people on the planet and chances are you'll find one who not only completely adores you, but also has similar life goals to you.
posted by DoubleLune at 5:23 AM on December 25, 2011
It's a rotten time of the year in particular to be feeling upset and I'm sorry you're feeling so sad (breaking up is never good, I know, but when everyone else is ostensibly so happy and everything around you is is focussing on family and so forth, it's particularly pointed).
There's some excellent advice upstream. I would add that if you can really get into something - reading a book, playing a computer game (if you can't face the loud joviality of games played by family / friends), peeling veg or even scrubbing the kitchen floor - you may find that you have become distracted enough for a few hours to have passed by and that the act of simply concentrating on something external to yourself has been refreshing and relaxing. I always advocate fresh air as well; even if you don't want to move around too much in it, just sitting quietly outside somewhere and breathing and listening to the sounds around you can be comforting.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 7:08 AM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
There's some excellent advice upstream. I would add that if you can really get into something - reading a book, playing a computer game (if you can't face the loud joviality of games played by family / friends), peeling veg or even scrubbing the kitchen floor - you may find that you have become distracted enough for a few hours to have passed by and that the act of simply concentrating on something external to yourself has been refreshing and relaxing. I always advocate fresh air as well; even if you don't want to move around too much in it, just sitting quietly outside somewhere and breathing and listening to the sounds around you can be comforting.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 7:08 AM on December 25, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would definitely not mention this to your family yet. In fact, if you must, limit your time with them so that you have time to think and decompress on your own. Don't feel obligated to force yourself into a cheery mood you aren't really feeling. I have found that staying busy - in the kitchen, etc - helps a lot. I also try to look nicer than usual. Basically, distracting myself externally so that I can deal with the internal later. No one is expecting that you not think about the relationship - I mean, that is probably damn near impossible, right? - but that you not dwell on the decision making part until you are in a place where you can do so unencumbered.
Also, your family will probably ask about him/the relationship. Be noncommittal and brief. You don't want to discuss this yet - if ever.
As for your relationship... I have been in a similar place. You aren't dumb for feeling sad, no matter what the length! But you will need to figure out how important these things (religion, possibility of children in future) are to both of you and where to go from there. You do sound like you have kind of made your mind up, but are afraid to pull the trigger because you don't want to lose something that seems so great in other ways. That's normal, too. But it also sounds to me like you have doubts more about HIM than yourself - you said that you talked to him about this because you knew he wanted a serious commitment... you didn't talk to him about this because YOU want a serious commitment? I don't want to make assumptions, but consider re-framing how you think about your future with this person to be more "me-oriented."
posted by sm1tten at 7:36 AM on December 25, 2011
Also, your family will probably ask about him/the relationship. Be noncommittal and brief. You don't want to discuss this yet - if ever.
As for your relationship... I have been in a similar place. You aren't dumb for feeling sad, no matter what the length! But you will need to figure out how important these things (religion, possibility of children in future) are to both of you and where to go from there. You do sound like you have kind of made your mind up, but are afraid to pull the trigger because you don't want to lose something that seems so great in other ways. That's normal, too. But it also sounds to me like you have doubts more about HIM than yourself - you said that you talked to him about this because you knew he wanted a serious commitment... you didn't talk to him about this because YOU want a serious commitment? I don't want to make assumptions, but consider re-framing how you think about your future with this person to be more "me-oriented."
posted by sm1tten at 7:36 AM on December 25, 2011
Response by poster: Thank you guys so much for all your advice. I will definitely be processing/applying it throughout the day.
Regarding the "made my mind up" thing, I guess I've always been more of the one with "one foot in the relationship", but he's the one doing the breaking up. My parents and some other couples I know don't have very good marriages, and I think this frightens me a little. I think because of this I tend to /overthink/dwell on the differences and potential issues in my relationship. Maybe I also just move more slowly/just need more time in a relationship. I'm not sure, I've never done this before.
He felt that I wasn't fully "there", which I guess is a reasonable expectation in 10 months, so I explained my concerns to him (in a few conversations). Maybe I should have waited, because I'm willing to keep going even though I'm not sure. Or maybe you are right that I've made up my mind (deep inside) but am afraid to pull the trigger. So he pulled it for me.
posted by sprezzy at 8:17 AM on December 25, 2011
Regarding the "made my mind up" thing, I guess I've always been more of the one with "one foot in the relationship", but he's the one doing the breaking up. My parents and some other couples I know don't have very good marriages, and I think this frightens me a little. I think because of this I tend to /overthink/dwell on the differences and potential issues in my relationship. Maybe I also just move more slowly/just need more time in a relationship. I'm not sure, I've never done this before.
He felt that I wasn't fully "there", which I guess is a reasonable expectation in 10 months, so I explained my concerns to him (in a few conversations). Maybe I should have waited, because I'm willing to keep going even though I'm not sure. Or maybe you are right that I've made up my mind (deep inside) but am afraid to pull the trigger. So he pulled it for me.
posted by sprezzy at 8:17 AM on December 25, 2011
Probably a bit late for this, but I definitely wouldn't say anything to my family under those circumstances. If anyone says anything about your appearance or behavior, claim that you either have a really bad cold, or raging PMS (if you are female), or both.
Feel free to use that excuse to slip away early from dinner if you aren't feeling up to it.
And start making a mental list of all the awesome things you will do for yourself once this is over. What movie would you most like to watch? Dinner you would most like to eat? Book you would most like to read? Make a plan to do all those things tomorrow, or next weekend!
posted by ErikaB at 12:08 PM on December 25, 2011
Feel free to use that excuse to slip away early from dinner if you aren't feeling up to it.
And start making a mental list of all the awesome things you will do for yourself once this is over. What movie would you most like to watch? Dinner you would most like to eat? Book you would most like to read? Make a plan to do all those things tomorrow, or next weekend!
posted by ErikaB at 12:08 PM on December 25, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by facetious at 12:13 AM on December 25, 2011 [2 favorites]