Caring for my alcoholic parents
December 15, 2011 8:14 PM Subscribe
I'm visiting my sick parents, and I need advice and options about how to take care of them while I am there, and how they can be cared for after I leave.
My parents are about 50 years old. Both of them had dramatic health declines this year associated with years of alcohol abuse. My mother began to miss a lot of work earlier this year because it was painful for her to walk, and eventually she lost all mobility due to (alcohol related) nerve damage in her legs. Additionally she has been in and out of the hospital due to seizures and malnutrition. My stepfather progressively began to show similar symptoms, and lost the ability to help my mother and himself. The situation now appears to be that neither of them can stand or walk, are not eating very much, are sleeping 20+ hours a day, and haven't bathed in months (the bathroom is upstairs). They have cats that might not be getting the right care. Unknown acquaintances are bringing them food and alcohol.
This is what I'm piecing together from their phone-calls, and the reports of my aunt and grandmother who last flew in to take care of them about 2 months ago. I am flying there this weekend, and haven't seem them since last summer when they were healthy and functional.
My mother is in denial that alcohol is the problem, and will not stay in the hospital or agree to rehab. My stepdad says he refuses rehab because my mother won't go.
I am not a nurse, and don't have pets or children, so I'm not prepared for the kind of situation I'm about to encounter. It's scary and unreal to contemplate. What do I need to know about how to care for them while I am there? Are there government (or pay) services/resources that I need to know about? How will they be cared for after I leave? (or even while I'm there; they are malnourished and won't eat!) How do I convince them to get the treatment and care that they need?
My parents are about 50 years old. Both of them had dramatic health declines this year associated with years of alcohol abuse. My mother began to miss a lot of work earlier this year because it was painful for her to walk, and eventually she lost all mobility due to (alcohol related) nerve damage in her legs. Additionally she has been in and out of the hospital due to seizures and malnutrition. My stepfather progressively began to show similar symptoms, and lost the ability to help my mother and himself. The situation now appears to be that neither of them can stand or walk, are not eating very much, are sleeping 20+ hours a day, and haven't bathed in months (the bathroom is upstairs). They have cats that might not be getting the right care. Unknown acquaintances are bringing them food and alcohol.
This is what I'm piecing together from their phone-calls, and the reports of my aunt and grandmother who last flew in to take care of them about 2 months ago. I am flying there this weekend, and haven't seem them since last summer when they were healthy and functional.
My mother is in denial that alcohol is the problem, and will not stay in the hospital or agree to rehab. My stepdad says he refuses rehab because my mother won't go.
I am not a nurse, and don't have pets or children, so I'm not prepared for the kind of situation I'm about to encounter. It's scary and unreal to contemplate. What do I need to know about how to care for them while I am there? Are there government (or pay) services/resources that I need to know about? How will they be cared for after I leave? (or even while I'm there; they are malnourished and won't eat!) How do I convince them to get the treatment and care that they need?
Go to Alanon. It's a horrible situation and you're not responsible for it. I understand you want to help but you can't make them do anything.
Go to Alanon.
posted by bleeb at 8:54 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
Go to Alanon.
posted by bleeb at 8:54 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
You need to find out a few things. Do your parents still have health insurance? Do they qualify for disability, either under their work insurance or under SSI? Many states have an elder care or Dept of Aging that might provide info. Your parents are still fairly young so they may not be eligible but you won't know until you check. Also, look into Meals on Wheels. Do they belong to a church or other religious organization. These are just things that are popping into my mind
I think you need to sit down with them and say we need to make a plan for your care, including food, medicine and bathing. See what they have to say and don't let them get away with telling you that they're fine if you can see that they're not. If they haven't been bathing, they're not fine. If they're not eating, they're not fine. You know why they aren't bathing but you should still ask them how they'd like to handle that, get them to acknowledge that there's a problem.
Are they able to cook? Is the person(s) bringing food (and alcohol) delivering groceries or prepared meals. Why aren't they eating? You'll need to see if they need the pantry stocked and maybe grocery delivery arranged if they are not too ill to cook. Find out who is bring the alcohol.
It doesn't sound like they're incompetent, just addicted and ill, but look into your legal options also. Often the Department of aging has social workers that conduct geriatric assessments and elder evaluations but I'm not sure your parents qualify.
Bleeb is right, you need Alanon to help you through this. You can't take on the responsibility of lives that they are destroying with alcohol. You may have to figure out what 'reasonable' assistance you want to give to people who won't take care of themselves. And not feel guilty about it. Please don't bend over backwards, especially if they aren't participating in their own recovery. Alanon can help you draw boundaries.
posted by shoesietart at 9:23 PM on December 15, 2011
I think you need to sit down with them and say we need to make a plan for your care, including food, medicine and bathing. See what they have to say and don't let them get away with telling you that they're fine if you can see that they're not. If they haven't been bathing, they're not fine. If they're not eating, they're not fine. You know why they aren't bathing but you should still ask them how they'd like to handle that, get them to acknowledge that there's a problem.
Are they able to cook? Is the person(s) bringing food (and alcohol) delivering groceries or prepared meals. Why aren't they eating? You'll need to see if they need the pantry stocked and maybe grocery delivery arranged if they are not too ill to cook. Find out who is bring the alcohol.
It doesn't sound like they're incompetent, just addicted and ill, but look into your legal options also. Often the Department of aging has social workers that conduct geriatric assessments and elder evaluations but I'm not sure your parents qualify.
Bleeb is right, you need Alanon to help you through this. You can't take on the responsibility of lives that they are destroying with alcohol. You may have to figure out what 'reasonable' assistance you want to give to people who won't take care of themselves. And not feel guilty about it. Please don't bend over backwards, especially if they aren't participating in their own recovery. Alanon can help you draw boundaries.
posted by shoesietart at 9:23 PM on December 15, 2011
Sorry you're in such a tough situation. I recommend calling the emergency department social worker (or any social worker, if they don't have a specific ED social worker) at your parents' local hospital. They will be familiar with all the local resources. They deal with situations like your parents' all the time.
Some examples of resources common to many areas include:
- Meals on Wheels
- Visiting nurses
- Outpatient alcohol detox programs
Unfortunately, if your parents still have the mental capacity to make their own decisions, what bleeb says is true and you won't be able to force them into rehab. Some places in the USA allow a family member to petition the courts for forced alcohol rehabilitation, here is one example: Section 35 in Massachusetts. However, this would be really a last ditch effort and would probably burn bridges with your parents, so I'm not sure that's the route you want to go.
Other ideas:
- get your parents to take a multivitamin with thiamine. If nothing else this will help with the malnutrition issue. Thiamine, magnesium and folate are particularly important for those who abuse alcohol.
- See if you can get your parents to establish an advanced directive for their medical care. This is a tricky topic if they don't want to talk about it, but it will be really helpful if god forbid, they become unable to make their own medical decisions. A power of attorney could be a helpful legal document for you, if you can get it.
- Try to make their house handicap accessible. I'm assuming because you mentioned pay resources that you have some money. You can install things like railings by the stairs and toilet in the bathroom. Ensure there are non-slip coverings on all smooth surface and remove all throw rugs. Try to minimize things that need to be done by climbing stairs. Here's an article with details.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:25 PM on December 15, 2011
Some examples of resources common to many areas include:
- Meals on Wheels
- Visiting nurses
- Outpatient alcohol detox programs
Unfortunately, if your parents still have the mental capacity to make their own decisions, what bleeb says is true and you won't be able to force them into rehab. Some places in the USA allow a family member to petition the courts for forced alcohol rehabilitation, here is one example: Section 35 in Massachusetts. However, this would be really a last ditch effort and would probably burn bridges with your parents, so I'm not sure that's the route you want to go.
Other ideas:
- get your parents to take a multivitamin with thiamine. If nothing else this will help with the malnutrition issue. Thiamine, magnesium and folate are particularly important for those who abuse alcohol.
- See if you can get your parents to establish an advanced directive for their medical care. This is a tricky topic if they don't want to talk about it, but it will be really helpful if god forbid, they become unable to make their own medical decisions. A power of attorney could be a helpful legal document for you, if you can get it.
- Try to make their house handicap accessible. I'm assuming because you mentioned pay resources that you have some money. You can install things like railings by the stairs and toilet in the bathroom. Ensure there are non-slip coverings on all smooth surface and remove all throw rugs. Try to minimize things that need to be done by climbing stairs. Here's an article with details.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:25 PM on December 15, 2011
P.s. I forgot about the cats! One idea would be you could get some of those cat food and water dispensers that only have to be refilled every couple of days, in case feeding or watering gets forgotten. To me it sounds like it could be better if you could get the cats out of there somehow, but that might be a tough sell. You might be able to hire a neighborhood kid to come take care of them every so often for pretty cheap?
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:30 PM on December 15, 2011
posted by treehorn+bunny at 9:30 PM on December 15, 2011
Sorry, I forgot about cats too. But a feeder/waterer might be a good idea. Though as treehorn mentioned, see if can stay elsewhere til your parents are better or see if a neighborhood kid could help out, changing the litterbox and refilling the food and water.
posted by shoesietart at 9:54 PM on December 15, 2011
posted by shoesietart at 9:54 PM on December 15, 2011
Al-anon. Bleeb mentioned it, and I am going to make my case for it.
Alcoholism and drug abuse have absolutely destroyed members of my family and wrecked relationships, and placed me in a position that has been tremendously unfair - much like the situation you face with your parents.
Al-Anon is a very gentle program, that places the emphasis on YOU, and what you can do for yourself so you can best deal with the alcoholics in your life without letting their alcoholism bring you down. Many liken it to putting on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others get theirs on. I'm sure your feelings are very complicated and you are unnerved and sad and scared and confused and etc. I know, I have been there. Al-Anon (whether you accept the higher power aspect or not) can teach you valuable tools for insuring your own mental well being while you negotiate the tricky relationship one has with the alcoholics in their life. Because if there is one thing we all know for sure is that if the alcoholic is not ready to receive help and get into recovery, you will drive yourself crazy trying to force them to do so, and it will be all for naught. That's why you need to focus on yourself.
Check out this website about finding a meeting in your area. Start going if you think it is right for you. Listen. Take the experience, strength and hope that other people who are in the same boat as you have to offer. I know you are overwhelmed, but if there is a single take away message from my little missive, please know that there is hope.
Feel free to me-mail me if you want to talk about this some more.
posted by msali at 9:57 PM on December 15, 2011
Alcoholism and drug abuse have absolutely destroyed members of my family and wrecked relationships, and placed me in a position that has been tremendously unfair - much like the situation you face with your parents.
Al-Anon is a very gentle program, that places the emphasis on YOU, and what you can do for yourself so you can best deal with the alcoholics in your life without letting their alcoholism bring you down. Many liken it to putting on your own oxygen mask before you try to help others get theirs on. I'm sure your feelings are very complicated and you are unnerved and sad and scared and confused and etc. I know, I have been there. Al-Anon (whether you accept the higher power aspect or not) can teach you valuable tools for insuring your own mental well being while you negotiate the tricky relationship one has with the alcoholics in their life. Because if there is one thing we all know for sure is that if the alcoholic is not ready to receive help and get into recovery, you will drive yourself crazy trying to force them to do so, and it will be all for naught. That's why you need to focus on yourself.
Check out this website about finding a meeting in your area. Start going if you think it is right for you. Listen. Take the experience, strength and hope that other people who are in the same boat as you have to offer. I know you are overwhelmed, but if there is a single take away message from my little missive, please know that there is hope.
Feel free to me-mail me if you want to talk about this some more.
posted by msali at 9:57 PM on December 15, 2011
I am so sorry for all of this. My alcoholic father just died this year and it's terrible to watch someone diminish before your eyes especially when you can point right at the things that they could do to which would turn their lives around. It's awful. And, at some level, it's not your responsibility to be the person who helps your parents if they won't help themselves. I mean, I know you feel responsible and stuck and it's awful. And you may be dealing with family members who think that you are responsible and you may have to set up boundaries with them too. This is one of the things that ACOA/Al-Anon can really help with [you can just check out the website if you're not the meeting type, see if this looks like you. I don't subscribe to any higher power stuff but I've found knowing that I'm not the crazy person to be very very helpful and grounding for me] and it's one of those "put on your safety mask before you put on the ones for others" types of things [as msali states :)]
I think people have given you some good advice. You have a few "chunks" of stuff to do.
1. immediate stuff - make sure people and pets are fed and clean, make sure house is liveable, make sure people are cognizant of what is going on around them. Make contacts with local people and local service agencies. You do not have to stay there if you don't want to.
2. when you leave - figure out how or if they can get their basic needs met. It is not your job to make them go to rehab, as much as it's painful they're unlikely to get forced into going if they are in control of their own lives. Figure out who can take care of the pets or you can take care of them or find a place to rehome them. Figure out ways they can have people look in on them [places like Home Instead can do some types of home care, for example] and make sure their basic needs are met
3. longer range discussions - they will need wills, health care proxies and durable power of attorney. At the very least, you should know what their wishes are in terms of life planning stuff, know what's important to them, that sort of thing.
And as you're doing this, please remember that you are welcome to set up boundaries. My father started drinking at five pm and that's when I said goodnight to him. He'd sometimes stumble over later and I'd pretend he did not exist. He'd grump about no one taking care of him and I'd tell him I was happy to interact with him while he was sober, but the bulk of his problems were being caused by lifestyle choices [not just the addiction but a lot of the surrounding cognitive dissonance about health and his own responsibility for the life he had] and I'd be happy to talk about them with him but not have this "Woe is me" discussion with him. You owe them decency but you do not have to feel that they are your anchor dragging you to the bottom of the ocean. You are allowed to do what you can and detach. I am so sorry, again, this is a pain in the ass and a bad time of year for it. Feel free to drop me an email if you want to talk.
posted by jessamyn at 10:01 PM on December 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
I think people have given you some good advice. You have a few "chunks" of stuff to do.
1. immediate stuff - make sure people and pets are fed and clean, make sure house is liveable, make sure people are cognizant of what is going on around them. Make contacts with local people and local service agencies. You do not have to stay there if you don't want to.
2. when you leave - figure out how or if they can get their basic needs met. It is not your job to make them go to rehab, as much as it's painful they're unlikely to get forced into going if they are in control of their own lives. Figure out who can take care of the pets or you can take care of them or find a place to rehome them. Figure out ways they can have people look in on them [places like Home Instead can do some types of home care, for example] and make sure their basic needs are met
3. longer range discussions - they will need wills, health care proxies and durable power of attorney. At the very least, you should know what their wishes are in terms of life planning stuff, know what's important to them, that sort of thing.
And as you're doing this, please remember that you are welcome to set up boundaries. My father started drinking at five pm and that's when I said goodnight to him. He'd sometimes stumble over later and I'd pretend he did not exist. He'd grump about no one taking care of him and I'd tell him I was happy to interact with him while he was sober, but the bulk of his problems were being caused by lifestyle choices [not just the addiction but a lot of the surrounding cognitive dissonance about health and his own responsibility for the life he had] and I'd be happy to talk about them with him but not have this "Woe is me" discussion with him. You owe them decency but you do not have to feel that they are your anchor dragging you to the bottom of the ocean. You are allowed to do what you can and detach. I am so sorry, again, this is a pain in the ass and a bad time of year for it. Feel free to drop me an email if you want to talk.
posted by jessamyn at 10:01 PM on December 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
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posted by LobsterMitten at 8:26 PM on December 15, 2011 [1 favorite]