If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs and blaming it on you
December 14, 2011 2:46 AM Subscribe
I am running a project at work which is causing me a LOT of stress. Please give me some tips on how to keep calm in the face of a lot of pressure, conflicting demands, and lack of experience on my own part.
Just typing that has stressed me out!
Basically I'm leading on a rather big and stressful project with a number of other departments in our office. Long story short: I have zero experience in this sort of work (it has nothing to do with my job description or job title), and my boss is aware of this. I am new to this organisation.
I'm leaving out the details of the project because I don't really think they're important, but let's just say it's pretty challenging, and it's stressing me out a lot. The worst thing is the catastrophic mindset that everyone has about it. They - and this includes my boss - positively delight in telling me what a nightmare this work has been for previous employees and how I better get it right this time because in 2009 it was "a disaster" and 2010 it was "an epic mess" etc. One employee apparently walked when it got too much for them, and there have been numerous other dramas surrounding the project in previous years. While I am sure that kind of thing is fun to talk about and totally the stuff that water-cooler conversations are made of, it's not helpful for me to hear!
So I am basically very stressed out. I am either forgetting to eat or stress-eating like a mofo (I was already overweight and I've gained 10lb over the past 2 months!), I can't sleep, I am crying in the work toilets, etc. I want to make time to exercise but what with getting into work really early and not leaving till late I am dead on my feet by the time I leave the office. I am also not thinking clearly, which is really bad considering the deadline is approaching. My boss unfortunately walked in on me crying some time ago (I thought I was alone) and I am worried he will think me weak and incapable. My self-confidence is at an all-time-low and literally the only thing getting me through it all is ranting to my friends and knowing that I can start looking for a new job as soon as this is over (in 2 months). Everything for the project is basically on track.
I am sorry for the ranty nature of this question. It was worse before before I pruned it!!
Please advise me on stress-management techniques for the short term, and I'd also appreciate some advice on how to deflect people when they gleefully tell me about how So-and-so had a nervous breakdown in 2009!
Just typing that has stressed me out!
Basically I'm leading on a rather big and stressful project with a number of other departments in our office. Long story short: I have zero experience in this sort of work (it has nothing to do with my job description or job title), and my boss is aware of this. I am new to this organisation.
I'm leaving out the details of the project because I don't really think they're important, but let's just say it's pretty challenging, and it's stressing me out a lot. The worst thing is the catastrophic mindset that everyone has about it. They - and this includes my boss - positively delight in telling me what a nightmare this work has been for previous employees and how I better get it right this time because in 2009 it was "a disaster" and 2010 it was "an epic mess" etc. One employee apparently walked when it got too much for them, and there have been numerous other dramas surrounding the project in previous years. While I am sure that kind of thing is fun to talk about and totally the stuff that water-cooler conversations are made of, it's not helpful for me to hear!
So I am basically very stressed out. I am either forgetting to eat or stress-eating like a mofo (I was already overweight and I've gained 10lb over the past 2 months!), I can't sleep, I am crying in the work toilets, etc. I want to make time to exercise but what with getting into work really early and not leaving till late I am dead on my feet by the time I leave the office. I am also not thinking clearly, which is really bad considering the deadline is approaching. My boss unfortunately walked in on me crying some time ago (I thought I was alone) and I am worried he will think me weak and incapable. My self-confidence is at an all-time-low and literally the only thing getting me through it all is ranting to my friends and knowing that I can start looking for a new job as soon as this is over (in 2 months). Everything for the project is basically on track.
I am sorry for the ranty nature of this question. It was worse before before I pruned it!!
Please advise me on stress-management techniques for the short term, and I'd also appreciate some advice on how to deflect people when they gleefully tell me about how So-and-so had a nervous breakdown in 2009!
Try and eat better - even if that just means keeping some fruit and nuts on your desk (plus protein hits are handy, I like the Happy Cow cheese), and drink plenty of water. Keep ranting to your friends, an outlet is very important.
But consider pulling back for a few days to get some headspace. It sounds counterproductive, but without a good break, it all feels like disaster. If you can't take a few days off, take a few days easy. Go to work, but just go for the 9-5. Go home, no internet/email/phones, eat something reasonably good for you (buy it), and go to bed early. You need to think clearly, and sleep deprivation is no way to do that. The time you lose here will be made up for.
After you've done that, have another think about what you need to do, and see what is absolutely must-do vs I-feel-like-I-must-do (there is a difference, as anyone who has pulled an all-nighter knows).
And... given the track record of this project, maybe there are reasons beyond your control and those who have gone before you as to why this project isn't working. It is always good to think that you are going to be the one to break the mold... but I have also found in my work that failure has never turned out as bad as I thought. Don't be afraid.
posted by AnnaRat at 3:21 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
But consider pulling back for a few days to get some headspace. It sounds counterproductive, but without a good break, it all feels like disaster. If you can't take a few days off, take a few days easy. Go to work, but just go for the 9-5. Go home, no internet/email/phones, eat something reasonably good for you (buy it), and go to bed early. You need to think clearly, and sleep deprivation is no way to do that. The time you lose here will be made up for.
After you've done that, have another think about what you need to do, and see what is absolutely must-do vs I-feel-like-I-must-do (there is a difference, as anyone who has pulled an all-nighter knows).
And... given the track record of this project, maybe there are reasons beyond your control and those who have gone before you as to why this project isn't working. It is always good to think that you are going to be the one to break the mold... but I have also found in my work that failure has never turned out as bad as I thought. Don't be afraid.
posted by AnnaRat at 3:21 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
knowing that I can start looking for a new job as soon as this is over (in 2 months).Why wait?
Anyway, just take some deep breaths and try to convince yourself it doesn't really matter what happens. After all, if everyone else who tried it fucked up they can't really get too upset with you if you fuck it up, right? And if you're going to leave anyway who cares?
posted by delmoi at 3:25 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
This project has two epic disasters behind it, which means you have a ton of data on why it didn't work before. Use every conversation that starts with how badly it went before to figure out how to make it work correctly this time. Whenever someone starts to rant about how awful this work is, ask for specifics. Take notes and e-mail those notes to the person who mentioned the issues, as well as your collaborators (if any) on this project team, for clarification.
It may or may not actually fix the problem, but it may help to turn the conversations around regarding your implied inevitable failure on the project.
posted by xingcat at 4:54 AM on December 14, 2011
It may or may not actually fix the problem, but it may help to turn the conversations around regarding your implied inevitable failure on the project.
posted by xingcat at 4:54 AM on December 14, 2011
Delegate, delegate, delegate. Meet or talk with each member and find out what their responsibilities are. Push the shit right back to the people who actually should be responsible for their parts, and document their progress. If it's unsatisfactory, report it in writing. Actually manage the project, don't try to do all the parts of it.
Enlist your boss. Tell him you need milestones. If a certain milestone isn't met, report the missing parts. Let him do the ass chewing. If people give you grief, remember that no one ever won a grievance by saying, "He/she made me do what I was supposed to do."
Document everything, and copy it to everybody on the project so that the group pressure can focus on the slackers, not you. Make sure the boss backs you up. Keep records of everything.
The people who keep chanting the failure mantra "think" they're supporting you. Turn it around. When they start to say "so-and-so failed," answer back with, "We can do this. It's time to get it right." If positive spin doesn't turn it around, leave it to them. You have positive, goal-oriented work to do.
Try to only remember the good things this taught you, and learn to identify the bad ones in the future.
Good Luck!
posted by halfbuckaroo at 4:56 AM on December 14, 2011
Enlist your boss. Tell him you need milestones. If a certain milestone isn't met, report the missing parts. Let him do the ass chewing. If people give you grief, remember that no one ever won a grievance by saying, "He/she made me do what I was supposed to do."
Document everything, and copy it to everybody on the project so that the group pressure can focus on the slackers, not you. Make sure the boss backs you up. Keep records of everything.
The people who keep chanting the failure mantra "think" they're supporting you. Turn it around. When they start to say "so-and-so failed," answer back with, "We can do this. It's time to get it right." If positive spin doesn't turn it around, leave it to them. You have positive, goal-oriented work to do.
Try to only remember the good things this taught you, and learn to identify the bad ones in the future.
Good Luck!
posted by halfbuckaroo at 4:56 AM on December 14, 2011
When I have moments at work where the scope of the project is beyond my ability to remember it all, I find it very reassuring to take time once or twice a day to step back and get the whole picture. Have some kind of main checklist or timeline or task tree, and take a few minutes to update it. Then take time to "process" the work- anything that is in your inbox that needs to be moved on to other people. Then do any work that others are depending on to complete their tasks, THEN go back to fighting fires. This almost always has the effect of shifting my attitude from "everything is a mess, I can't handle it, argh!" to "it's not so bad, if I can get X, Y and Z done today, I'll be ahead."
posted by gjc at 5:27 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by gjc at 5:27 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
I think they're psyching you out because, as you state, previous years were clusterfucks. But you also said that everything is on track, despite your inexperience. It will help you to frame this better if you realize that you have already beaten the hardest part of this project: you have it under control and everything is fine.
My work does this all the time. My predecessors weren't very good at their jobs, and I went up against a lot of mistrust, skepticism, and outright refusal to believe that anyone in my position could do a good job. Now that I've been there over a year, people see a full cycle of good work and it's calmed down a lot.
When your bosses start catastrophizing ("It was an epic mess!"), smile and say, "But this year is different. See where we are already? And no drama. I guess all it takes is the right person for the job." Practice responses like this in the mirror.
You are stronger than your predecessors, and despite your lack of prior experience, you are better at this job than they ever were. Your boss and coworkers are hedging their emotional bets because they've been burned before, but you are not going to burn them. You are amazing and a fixer and you have already fixed this problem.
Once the project is over, of course you can choose to work elsewhere, but you may find that you will gain a newfound respect and admiration from your colleagues in the end, and it may entice you to stay. Hang in there.
posted by juniperesque at 6:11 AM on December 14, 2011
My work does this all the time. My predecessors weren't very good at their jobs, and I went up against a lot of mistrust, skepticism, and outright refusal to believe that anyone in my position could do a good job. Now that I've been there over a year, people see a full cycle of good work and it's calmed down a lot.
When your bosses start catastrophizing ("It was an epic mess!"), smile and say, "But this year is different. See where we are already? And no drama. I guess all it takes is the right person for the job." Practice responses like this in the mirror.
You are stronger than your predecessors, and despite your lack of prior experience, you are better at this job than they ever were. Your boss and coworkers are hedging their emotional bets because they've been burned before, but you are not going to burn them. You are amazing and a fixer and you have already fixed this problem.
Once the project is over, of course you can choose to work elsewhere, but you may find that you will gain a newfound respect and admiration from your colleagues in the end, and it may entice you to stay. Hang in there.
posted by juniperesque at 6:11 AM on December 14, 2011
This will be an unhelpful answer but it will be a cautionary tale.
I have been on this kind of project for a year now. Complete disaster. The one small difference is I am actually used to large complex and tough projects.
This one however is insane. Bad Dates, insane management, and probably a good backdoor dealings between the customer and the vendor.
Here is what happens if you don't deal with "YOU" I have been hospitalized twice this year with huge stomach problems including two weeks where the doctor refused to let me go home and prescribed quitting literally on a prescription pad (I love my Doctor) then surgery... To let you know the insaneosity of the management my boss called me 4 times last night and wants to know why I am not in the office (only two weeks after stomach surgery and gallbladder removal)
I am an independent consultant so before someone says take it to HR I have none...
So my advice is before you get to far into this:
1) You owe no one anything, but yourself and your family.
2) If it starts to hurt you physically or mentally there is no way it is worth it.
3) If you can quit... quit
4) I have so much more
I don't take my own advice but please think about yourself I guarantee NO ONE on this project gives a shit about "you"
posted by mrgroweler at 7:59 AM on December 14, 2011
I have been on this kind of project for a year now. Complete disaster. The one small difference is I am actually used to large complex and tough projects.
This one however is insane. Bad Dates, insane management, and probably a good backdoor dealings between the customer and the vendor.
Here is what happens if you don't deal with "YOU" I have been hospitalized twice this year with huge stomach problems including two weeks where the doctor refused to let me go home and prescribed quitting literally on a prescription pad (I love my Doctor) then surgery... To let you know the insaneosity of the management my boss called me 4 times last night and wants to know why I am not in the office (only two weeks after stomach surgery and gallbladder removal)
I am an independent consultant so before someone says take it to HR I have none...
So my advice is before you get to far into this:
1) You owe no one anything, but yourself and your family.
2) If it starts to hurt you physically or mentally there is no way it is worth it.
3) If you can quit... quit
4) I have so much more
I don't take my own advice but please think about yourself I guarantee NO ONE on this project gives a shit about "you"
posted by mrgroweler at 7:59 AM on December 14, 2011
"My boss unfortunately walked in on me crying some time ago (I thought I was alone) and I am worried he will think me weak and incapable."
If this person is also this person - " ... positively delight[s] in telling me what a nightmare this work has been for previous employees and how I better get it right this time because in 2009 it was "a disaster" and 2010 it was "an epic mess" etc", then they have no right to think badly of you - you're not weak, you're human and you're dealing with a stressful process that they are clearly not capable of managing, and have not been capable of managing long before you got there. What's the betting this absence of good management is a goodly part of the reason why the project has failed to deliver in previous years? If your boss is aware that you are under stress to the point where you are having problems coping at work, then they have a duty of care to you to ensure you can manage that stress. Otherwise, they are in Big Trouble.
Look at it this way - in a short period of time, you have brought this project to the point where you know it is on track to deliver despite the lack of support. This speaks very highly of your abilities and you will be remembered as the one who managed to "win" this tricky prize. What's the betting if you do leave that in a years' time they'll be beating your successor over the head about the fact that the only person able to make something of this mess was Ziggy500, prior to which 2009 was a disaster etc.
As for destressing, I am the very worst for taking advice on doing so, so probably shouldn't be giving any, but when I've been overwrought, a blow of fresh air after work or at lunchtime is very restorative - not even walking around, just sitting quietly somewhere outdoors. Getting your mind occupied with something else (gardening for me in the summer, books or even computer games in the winter) will also help you switch off.
Deflecting people - a smile and "sorry, I'm afraid I'm in the middle of X - can I get back to you?" might work. A closed door (if you have one to close) for a period of the day, or longer if you can get away with it. Otherwise, if your colleagues are being really gleeful about a real nervous breakdown, it's time for a serious face / tone and an "Oh dear - how awful for them - how are they now, do you know?" Take it seriously enough, and others tend to step away from the flippancy, I've noticed. It's probably all part of a pretty negative office culture and maybe that's their shorthand for We Wish We Could Run Away!! Now!! but you're right, it doesn't help you. As mentioned above, dried and fresh fruit, nuts and instant soups have got me through similar periods of intense work pressure (as have unloading onto family, and chocolate).
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 10:14 AM on December 14, 2011
If this person is also this person - " ... positively delight[s] in telling me what a nightmare this work has been for previous employees and how I better get it right this time because in 2009 it was "a disaster" and 2010 it was "an epic mess" etc", then they have no right to think badly of you - you're not weak, you're human and you're dealing with a stressful process that they are clearly not capable of managing, and have not been capable of managing long before you got there. What's the betting this absence of good management is a goodly part of the reason why the project has failed to deliver in previous years? If your boss is aware that you are under stress to the point where you are having problems coping at work, then they have a duty of care to you to ensure you can manage that stress. Otherwise, they are in Big Trouble.
Look at it this way - in a short period of time, you have brought this project to the point where you know it is on track to deliver despite the lack of support. This speaks very highly of your abilities and you will be remembered as the one who managed to "win" this tricky prize. What's the betting if you do leave that in a years' time they'll be beating your successor over the head about the fact that the only person able to make something of this mess was Ziggy500, prior to which 2009 was a disaster etc.
As for destressing, I am the very worst for taking advice on doing so, so probably shouldn't be giving any, but when I've been overwrought, a blow of fresh air after work or at lunchtime is very restorative - not even walking around, just sitting quietly somewhere outdoors. Getting your mind occupied with something else (gardening for me in the summer, books or even computer games in the winter) will also help you switch off.
Deflecting people - a smile and "sorry, I'm afraid I'm in the middle of X - can I get back to you?" might work. A closed door (if you have one to close) for a period of the day, or longer if you can get away with it. Otherwise, if your colleagues are being really gleeful about a real nervous breakdown, it's time for a serious face / tone and an "Oh dear - how awful for them - how are they now, do you know?" Take it seriously enough, and others tend to step away from the flippancy, I've noticed. It's probably all part of a pretty negative office culture and maybe that's their shorthand for We Wish We Could Run Away!! Now!! but you're right, it doesn't help you. As mentioned above, dried and fresh fruit, nuts and instant soups have got me through similar periods of intense work pressure (as have unloading onto family, and chocolate).
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 10:14 AM on December 14, 2011
Just one more thing, sorry - I was responsible for drafting, co-ordinating and submitting a set of very significant responses to a strategic and external consultation on behalf of my organisation, which involved gathering and synthesising input from a number of colleagues, some of whom were clearly of the view that their time would be better spent doing almost anything else but talking me through the information I needed from them. Not that they were nasty about it, just that it didn't seem relevent or important to them. I found what worked was stopping off at their desks informally first, chatting them through what I needed and then going back to my desk and following up with an e-mail again outlining what I needed and by when. That way I knew I'd covered everything I needed to say to them (even if I'd forgotten to actually say it), they weren't getting an e-mail out of the blue asking for scads of info and I had a record of what I'd asked for and when, and what deadline they'd been given for a response. Less stressful for me and also insurance in case anything was "missed" later.
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 10:42 AM on December 14, 2011
posted by Martha My Dear Prudence at 10:42 AM on December 14, 2011
Tons of good advice in here. This stood out to me in your post: Everything for the project is basically on track.
Write this on a Post-It and stick it somewhere you'll see it every day (in your desk drawer, maybe, or inside your wallet, on your bathroom mirror, whatever). This is the most important piece of information. You are doing this, this project is on track, YOU WILL BE FINE. You just need to remember this one piece of information. Everything is on track. And eventually it will be over.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:28 AM on December 14, 2011
Write this on a Post-It and stick it somewhere you'll see it every day (in your desk drawer, maybe, or inside your wallet, on your bathroom mirror, whatever). This is the most important piece of information. You are doing this, this project is on track, YOU WILL BE FINE. You just need to remember this one piece of information. Everything is on track. And eventually it will be over.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 11:28 AM on December 14, 2011
Response by poster: Hey all, thanks a lot for the helpful and supportive answers. Not marking best answers because all of your answers were really helpful. Have a great Xmas and New Year :)
posted by Ziggy500 at 5:47 AM on December 15, 2011
posted by Ziggy500 at 5:47 AM on December 15, 2011
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Everything for the project is basically on track.
knowing that I can start looking for a new job as soon as this is over (in 2 months).
Everything else is irrelevant. You're working for douchebags, sure, but you'll be out of there soon, and everything's rocking. Just ignore them. Walk away from them. Stand there with a blank look on your face. Raise an eyebrow. Do not engage! And remind yourself constantly that they're douchebags. Because they are. You'll be fine.
posted by mleigh at 3:00 AM on December 14, 2011 [1 favorite]