Did I screw up a potentially awesome FWB after a hookup? (Involving Morning After Etiquette & Beanplating)
December 5, 2011 6:20 PM Subscribe
Hooked up with a friend (having recently gotten out of a relationship), was I being too distant the morning after? Asking because I'm interested in hooking up again and want to know how to approach him again.
I got out of a 18-month relationship a month ago. Since the breakup, I have reconnected with a lot of friends, and have been hanging out alone with this particular acquaintance of mine who I always found attractive (but was not romantically interested in).
I had been feeling quite up for some rebound sex and he was definitely someone I would sleep with, so I initiated contact with him. We had been spending time alone 1-2 times every week for the past 5-6 weeks. So last night, after some awkward moments we were in his bed making out and I ended up giving him oral sex without reciprocation (I'm on my period). After sex he suggested that we smoked a little weed (we smoke every time we hang out), so we did and talked for a while.
Finally, when we went to bed and not wanting to come across as clingy, I just dove into bed with my back turned against him, sleeping on my side. Eventually during the night he grabbed me and cuddled with me. When I woke up the next morning, he was still half sleeping stroking me. I tried to initiate a conversation but he seemed to be too groggy for it (all the while just touching me but not going further). I interpreted that as him trying to hint that I was overstaying my welcome, so I didn't insist and and decided to head for the door.
When I got home, I texted him saying that "last night was cool" and that we should "hook up for real" (as in, I want to have SEX sex). I also left a key at his place by accident (really!) so I followed that with a text asking him to drop off the key sometime. He responded only to my key question and mentioned nothing about the hook up. He later came by and nothing about "hooking up for real" was brought up.
So 2 questions:
- Have I screwed up a potential FWB by being too aggressive? I have no desire for anything beyond FWB with him since he's moving out of town in a month, but I'm so sexually attracted to him and I do enjoy hanging out with him as friends, so a FWB set up would be amazing.
- Does he seem interested in more sex at all? After all he did initiating cuddling and touching the morning after!
- Should I ask to hang out again or wait for him to initiate contact this time (and give up if he doesn't)?
I've been a longtime reader and would love to hear some Real Talk. Thanks!
I got out of a 18-month relationship a month ago. Since the breakup, I have reconnected with a lot of friends, and have been hanging out alone with this particular acquaintance of mine who I always found attractive (but was not romantically interested in).
I had been feeling quite up for some rebound sex and he was definitely someone I would sleep with, so I initiated contact with him. We had been spending time alone 1-2 times every week for the past 5-6 weeks. So last night, after some awkward moments we were in his bed making out and I ended up giving him oral sex without reciprocation (I'm on my period). After sex he suggested that we smoked a little weed (we smoke every time we hang out), so we did and talked for a while.
Finally, when we went to bed and not wanting to come across as clingy, I just dove into bed with my back turned against him, sleeping on my side. Eventually during the night he grabbed me and cuddled with me. When I woke up the next morning, he was still half sleeping stroking me. I tried to initiate a conversation but he seemed to be too groggy for it (all the while just touching me but not going further). I interpreted that as him trying to hint that I was overstaying my welcome, so I didn't insist and and decided to head for the door.
When I got home, I texted him saying that "last night was cool" and that we should "hook up for real" (as in, I want to have SEX sex). I also left a key at his place by accident (really!) so I followed that with a text asking him to drop off the key sometime. He responded only to my key question and mentioned nothing about the hook up. He later came by and nothing about "hooking up for real" was brought up.
So 2 questions:
- Have I screwed up a potential FWB by being too aggressive? I have no desire for anything beyond FWB with him since he's moving out of town in a month, but I'm so sexually attracted to him and I do enjoy hanging out with him as friends, so a FWB set up would be amazing.
- Does he seem interested in more sex at all? After all he did initiating cuddling and touching the morning after!
- Should I ask to hang out again or wait for him to initiate contact this time (and give up if he doesn't)?
I've been a longtime reader and would love to hear some Real Talk. Thanks!
I just dove into bed with my back turned against him, sleeping on my side.
This screams 'one night stand' to me. In this situation, I'd feel like I made an overture for further non-sexual physical intimacy, and was rebuffed. Did you actually touch him back in the morning?
I'd say bring it up one more time, either face-to-face or on phone (not text! no nuance!) and then drop it.
Remind him that you know he's leaving, and re-iterate that you're fine with that.
It may be that he's not fine with developing something right before leaving - I know when I move I get into a 'leaving' headspace that causes me to cut ties.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 6:30 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
This screams 'one night stand' to me. In this situation, I'd feel like I made an overture for further non-sexual physical intimacy, and was rebuffed. Did you actually touch him back in the morning?
I'd say bring it up one more time, either face-to-face or on phone (not text! no nuance!) and then drop it.
Remind him that you know he's leaving, and re-iterate that you're fine with that.
It may be that he's not fine with developing something right before leaving - I know when I move I get into a 'leaving' headspace that causes me to cut ties.
posted by the man of twists and turns at 6:30 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
"Let's get together Friday and finish what we started"
posted by desjardins at 6:30 PM on December 5, 2011 [10 favorites]
posted by desjardins at 6:30 PM on December 5, 2011 [10 favorites]
Tell him that you want to have sex. "No strings attached, just some sex. Sound good?"
posted by fso at 6:31 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by fso at 6:31 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've known some men who are really weird about actually talking about sex over phone/email/text or who think "yay, message received, i'll make that happen in the future" but don't think it's necessary to, you know, TELL you that.
Next time you hang out, see what happens, if things are heating up then have the discussion.
BUT - the whole idea of FWB is *not* getting all worked up about what dude is really thinking and whether he is really into you. So take a deep breath and work on your needlepoint in the meantime :)
posted by bunderful at 6:48 PM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
Next time you hang out, see what happens, if things are heating up then have the discussion.
BUT - the whole idea of FWB is *not* getting all worked up about what dude is really thinking and whether he is really into you. So take a deep breath and work on your needlepoint in the meantime :)
posted by bunderful at 6:48 PM on December 5, 2011 [2 favorites]
When I woke up the next morning, he was still half sleeping stroking me. I tried to initiate a conversation but he seemed to be too groggy for it (all the while just touching me but not going further). I interpreted that as him trying to hint that I was overstaying my welcome, so I didn't insist and and decided to head for the door.
Wait, what? I really don't follow this at all. I would not interpret this in the same way at all. Some people are just not morning people, and the fact that he was giving you physical affection makes it seem like he was very much enjoying your company. Honestly, I would just be up front with this guy, like others have said. You want something fairly uncomplicated. He may feel the same way.
posted by two lights above the sea at 6:48 PM on December 5, 2011 [16 favorites]
Wait, what? I really don't follow this at all. I would not interpret this in the same way at all. Some people are just not morning people, and the fact that he was giving you physical affection makes it seem like he was very much enjoying your company. Honestly, I would just be up front with this guy, like others have said. You want something fairly uncomplicated. He may feel the same way.
posted by two lights above the sea at 6:48 PM on December 5, 2011 [16 favorites]
Just set up another situation where you have some alone time and go for it (as in, throw yourself at him and start taking each other's clothes off -- it's not rocket science). Don't think about it to much. Tell him you want to rock his world before you leave, then do it.
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 6:55 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by buckaroo_benzai at 6:55 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
I am not him and neither is anyone else in this thread. ASK HIM, TALK TO HIM, seriously. He's the only one who knows how he's feeling, what he's thinking. If you want to hook up with him, you gotta communicate with him. Go for it and good luck.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:55 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 6:55 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
If you want what you say you want, you are way over thinking this and do not seem to want to be direct.
If you want something else, just keep in mind that people may feel quite sexy in the morning, when you are there, right there in the bed, in the same way that I, a person who is not all that fond of glazed donuts, can be quite hungry for them when someone brings a box to the office.
Just tell him what kind of buddy you want, if that's really all you want.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:58 PM on December 5, 2011
If you want something else, just keep in mind that people may feel quite sexy in the morning, when you are there, right there in the bed, in the same way that I, a person who is not all that fond of glazed donuts, can be quite hungry for them when someone brings a box to the office.
Just tell him what kind of buddy you want, if that's really all you want.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 6:58 PM on December 5, 2011
Just ask.
If you've gone down on him, you assume you can talk to him. (i.e. don't text him to ask; too much room for misinterpretation of what you think are obvious signals).
posted by modernnomad at 7:14 PM on December 5, 2011
If you've gone down on him, you assume you can talk to him. (i.e. don't text him to ask; too much room for misinterpretation of what you think are obvious signals).
posted by modernnomad at 7:14 PM on December 5, 2011
Dammit.
"if things AREN'T heating up then have the discussion"
posted by bunderful at 7:41 PM on December 5, 2011
"if things AREN'T heating up then have the discussion"
posted by bunderful at 7:41 PM on December 5, 2011
Response by poster: Thanks for all the replies so far, I can quite see how my behavior could be misinterpreted as somewhat odd/cold.
Also, I think I should have been clearer in my original post because this might make a difference, but I essentially did ask him if he wanted to go for it again (not merely suggesting), the direct quote of the text as follow:
"Hey last night was cool, a little confusing but wanna hook up for real sometime before you leave town?" so I don't think there was really that much ambiguity in my intentions at this point.
What do you think? And thanks again you all.
posted by 01080591 at 8:22 PM on December 5, 2011
Also, I think I should have been clearer in my original post because this might make a difference, but I essentially did ask him if he wanted to go for it again (not merely suggesting), the direct quote of the text as follow:
"Hey last night was cool, a little confusing but wanna hook up for real sometime before you leave town?" so I don't think there was really that much ambiguity in my intentions at this point.
What do you think? And thanks again you all.
posted by 01080591 at 8:22 PM on December 5, 2011
What do you think?
Leave texting to angsty pre-teens and have a conversation, in person, with the man you want to sleep with.
posted by ellF at 8:34 PM on December 5, 2011 [5 favorites]
Leave texting to angsty pre-teens and have a conversation, in person, with the man you want to sleep with.
posted by ellF at 8:34 PM on December 5, 2011 [5 favorites]
I find that when people have conflicting feelings in regards to how to answer a text, they tend to not text back, hoping that they can be clearer in person.
You really need to talk to him face to face. He may not know for sure what he wants.
posted by myselfasme at 8:44 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
You really need to talk to him face to face. He may not know for sure what he wants.
posted by myselfasme at 8:44 PM on December 5, 2011 [1 favorite]
Take a pass and move on. myselfsame a thousand times.
posted by jbenben at 10:11 PM on December 5, 2011
posted by jbenben at 10:11 PM on December 5, 2011
- Have I screwed up a potential FWB by being too aggressive?
Honestly, as I was reading your description of what happened, I was struck by how cold it all seemed.
You go down on him.
You guys smoke pot and talk (presumably about something totally unrelated).
You jump in bed with your back to him and go to sleep.
In the morning when he's stroking you, you jump out of bed and bail.
Then you send a text saying "Hey last night was cool, a little confusing but wanna hook up for real sometime before you leave town?"
If I were in his position, I would be thinking, "Wow, that was really cold. This person really does not want intimacy or tenderness. They want a wham bam let's not talk about it kinda thing. I feel weird about this"
You know, the stereotype is that wham bam thank you ma'am is what all guys want, and you have to act like a cold sex terminator or you will scare them off.
Actually I think a lot of the time the opposite is true. I think a lot of guys want tenderness, warmth, intimacy in their sexual encounters, even when they're not in the context of a committed relationship. Lack of that can hurt their feelings or make them feel used, too.
Now, I'm not saying that's the case for your guys here. Like everyone has said, we don't know and you really just need to talk to him.
But if you're asking, is it a no-brainer that you were too "aggressive" -- I would say not, if by "aggressive" you mean you were too "clingy" or acted too much as if you cared.
posted by cairdeas at 12:17 AM on December 6, 2011 [14 favorites]
Honestly, as I was reading your description of what happened, I was struck by how cold it all seemed.
You go down on him.
You guys smoke pot and talk (presumably about something totally unrelated).
You jump in bed with your back to him and go to sleep.
In the morning when he's stroking you, you jump out of bed and bail.
Then you send a text saying "Hey last night was cool, a little confusing but wanna hook up for real sometime before you leave town?"
If I were in his position, I would be thinking, "Wow, that was really cold. This person really does not want intimacy or tenderness. They want a wham bam let's not talk about it kinda thing. I feel weird about this"
You know, the stereotype is that wham bam thank you ma'am is what all guys want, and you have to act like a cold sex terminator or you will scare them off.
Actually I think a lot of the time the opposite is true. I think a lot of guys want tenderness, warmth, intimacy in their sexual encounters, even when they're not in the context of a committed relationship. Lack of that can hurt their feelings or make them feel used, too.
Now, I'm not saying that's the case for your guys here. Like everyone has said, we don't know and you really just need to talk to him.
But if you're asking, is it a no-brainer that you were too "aggressive" -- I would say not, if by "aggressive" you mean you were too "clingy" or acted too much as if you cared.
posted by cairdeas at 12:17 AM on December 6, 2011 [14 favorites]
I don't think you messed it up *at all* - (and good for you for saying what you want, I'd say it was more direct than aggressive). I'd probably wait a couple days to see if he initiated contact, and if he doesn't then just act however you normally would have (text him and ask if he wants to hang out or whatever) and then hang out with him again, alone, and see what happens.
Yeah, it could totally not happen, but not because you played it wrong.
posted by mrs. taters at 6:21 AM on December 6, 2011
Yeah, it could totally not happen, but not because you played it wrong.
posted by mrs. taters at 6:21 AM on December 6, 2011
Did you mess it up? No.
Are you likely to hook up with him again? No. If you were direct, and he didn't respond, then that's also an answer. I would not be that direct with him again; he needs to make the next move. I would not hold your breath.
posted by desjardins at 8:56 AM on December 6, 2011
Are you likely to hook up with him again? No. If you were direct, and he didn't respond, then that's also an answer. I would not be that direct with him again; he needs to make the next move. I would not hold your breath.
posted by desjardins at 8:56 AM on December 6, 2011
I think texting him "it was a bit confusing" was a poor choice. If you are trying to aim for a FWB situation, the last thing ANYONE wants to see is someone who is already worried about "what did it all mean?", "does he like LIKE me?" etc..
posted by modernnomad at 11:07 AM on December 6, 2011
posted by modernnomad at 11:07 AM on December 6, 2011
Response by poster: Re: modernnomad
Eeek, that's a good point. I think my horniness got the better of me and when I want something bad, I try too hard (i.e., being all ambiguous in my case, I know...). I think I will ask to hang out again and see what happens, and if things don't seem to point towards a hookup I will just be direct. He will be gone soon after all so I can get over the awkwardness, hah.
posted by 01080591 at 11:21 AM on December 6, 2011
Eeek, that's a good point. I think my horniness got the better of me and when I want something bad, I try too hard (i.e., being all ambiguous in my case, I know...). I think I will ask to hang out again and see what happens, and if things don't seem to point towards a hookup I will just be direct. He will be gone soon after all so I can get over the awkwardness, hah.
posted by 01080591 at 11:21 AM on December 6, 2011
Specify a day and general time - Friday evening. "Do you want to get together sometime in the future" is too vague. "Let's do drinks at Foo Bar and go to my place to fuck on Friday night" is good. I would call so you're not on pins and needles waiting for a return text/email.
posted by desjardins at 11:35 AM on December 6, 2011
posted by desjardins at 11:35 AM on December 6, 2011
I meant e.g. Friday evening. I don't know why I'm so hung up on Friday. Pick a day that works for you!
posted by desjardins at 11:36 AM on December 6, 2011
posted by desjardins at 11:36 AM on December 6, 2011
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posted by villanelles at dawn at 6:27 PM on December 5, 2011