Violent Thanksgiving=dreading wedding

November 29, 2011 9:22 PM

Is there really any fun in dysfunction?

So, the women in my extended family are crazy.
My mom has 5 sisters and they grew up with angry parents, which turned them into angry adults. Aunt 1 is even in a mental hospital after shooting her neighbor during a dispute (he lived, but still). Aunt 2 is thing biggest physically and thinks shes the boss of everyone. Next comes my mom, the smallest physically and the one who tries to keep everyone together, but now I see it as codependency (they are her only friends, and she spends every weekend listening to one bitch about the other). Aunt 3 passed away tragically when her kids were young..so my mom and aunts 2 and 4 were like surrogate moms. Aunt 4 is mouthy and only has 1 sided conversations. Aunt 5 hates all of them and refuses to come to family occasions.
This Thanksgiving Aunt 2 and 4 got into an argument and it turned violent. Slapping and pushing turned into dish throwing and blood. These are women in their 50s!
Besides the kids of each aunt taking sides, the kids of the deceased aunt are also taking sides. Most of my other cousins and I are over it and simply don't want to do family occasions anymore.
Here comes the conflict: I'm maid of honor in my sister's wedding in a few months. My sister (like my mom) wants to sweep this incident under the rug and just "hope" for a peaceful wedding (and bridal shower). I am upset by this, and maybe reverting to my little girl self that wants my mom to stop sticking up for her crazy family and start protecting us kids! But hey, I'm an adult now, and I'll do what they want because its my sister's wedding and my mom is paying for it. But if it were my wedding, I'd just elope or only invite friends.
So I guess my issue is, how do I deal with the anxiety and dread I'm feeling towards all this? Should I have an open discussion with my cousins who I know are also torn? Or should I just follow suit in sweeping it under the rug and just get through the wedding shit as quickly as possible.

posted by hellameangirl to Human Relations (15 answers total)

Response by poster: *aunt 2 is THE biggest (not thing)
posted by hellameangirl at 9:25 PM on November 29, 2011

Well, it's your sisters wedding, right? So it should be her decision.
posted by delmoi at 9:30 PM on November 29, 2011

You're not going to fix crazy. Your best bet is to keep your head down, hang out with the people you do like, and try to avoid any of the inevitable drama.
posted by Gilbert at 9:32 PM on November 29, 2011 [2 favorites]

Sorry you have to go through all this f-up drama and violence. Family and relatives can really suck sometimes.

It's your sister and mom's decision so let them deal with this and support them the best you can. Avoid the worst agents of chaos during the wedding.
posted by Foci for Analysis at 9:33 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

I understand what you mean about wishing your mother would just protect you for a change. I've been there, and there is no end to that rage. I've found the best you can do is begin to think of her sincerely as a fellow human being, cultivate your good feelings toward her, and accept the loss of respect you feel toward her as a parent. On the inside it's painful, but from the outside you will be behaving like an adult.

Personally, because the wedding is already on a roll, I would try to attend and keep my head down, as Gilbert suggested. If there are cousins you can talk to who you think will be emotionally supportive (i.e., are outside the chaos), I would go for it, but I wouldn't try to persuade anyone to my side.

Though if you have children and you're worried about your family attending a wedding that might involve fistfights, I think you'd be justified in revising your role and keeping your distance. (Don't perpetuate the cycle, in other words.)
posted by stoneandstar at 10:17 PM on November 29, 2011 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Oh, I'm not saying I won't attend my sister's wedding or bridal shower. I guess I'm just concerned with my own anxiety about it, particulary being MOH thus sort of 'in charge'. Like I'm struggling with being a host when really I don't even want to attend :/ But I know I just have to do it and get it over with. Ugg.
posted by hellameangirl at 11:01 PM on November 29, 2011

Agree with stoneandstar. Try to think of this as having a bunch of strangers over, a potluck for someone else's weird family. This is emotional disconnection from the familial-support roles you might want, but it'll lower the anxiety.

I mean, assuming you don't just want to bail or drink yourself into a stupor, which would be my first and second ill-advised choices.
posted by ead at 12:24 AM on November 30, 2011

"sister's wedding in a few months. My sister (like my mom) wants to sweep this incident under the rug and just "hope" for a peaceful wedding (and bridal shower)."

don't sweep. that'll just mean that you're coming into the wedding with no knowledge, which means maximum anxiety. Here's your plan (Get your sister's OK with this before you proceed.):

Invite each Aunt to lunch, separately, just you two.
Don't try to solve their differences with your mom, or their other sisters, just ackowledge that families can be difficult, and emphasize that your sister's wedding is her day, and the wedding is no place to hash out family problems, and get them to promise that they won't detract from her special day.

After you've got the Aunts signed up, work on their offspring. Inform your mom, and have her promise as well.
posted by at at 12:49 AM on November 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

at has good suggestions... but I'm going a step further. If you're the maid of honor, this is your bag.

Assemble your crew. Find a few trusted friends, relatives, whatever, people who know the score and who can distract and divert potential trouble-makers. Make sure some of them are strong, so if physical removal becomes necessary (breaking up a fight, whatever), that they can (and will) do it. Be honest about what you may need them to do.

Have a game plan. Who should keep an eye on who or what area of the wedding? Everyone should have the number of local police on speed dial in their phone. (this may sound extreme, but from what you wrote, its' what I'd do if I were that concerned about anger issues - handling enraged adults requires help.)

Plan for the worst case scenario. Everyone has phone numbers of everyone on the goon squad. Plan your responses: "If you see any of the aunts baiting anyone, distract them. If you think they're getting drunk and are going to cause a problem, tell the bar to cut them off, and text Ashley. If a fight is about to start, escort them out, physically if necessary. If a fight breaks out, then call the cops."

Your sister is in denial. Your job is to protect her and the guests from your crazy aunts. Let your sis know that you have plans in place "just in case" and leave it at that unless she asks. I bet she won't.
posted by canine epigram at 6:48 AM on November 30, 2011

Well, the last time the "let's just keep quiet and hope nothing happens" strategy was used at a wedding in my family, it resulted in the father of the groom instigating a fist-fight with one of his brothers in the middle of the reception... so I'm going to recommend not using that strategy.

If I were at that wedding again, I'd set myself and a few of the cousins to shadowing the trouble-folk, and evading/defusing the issues as they came up.

I also would have found an excuse not to bring my girlfriend at-the-time to it, either. Thanks for ruining that, family.
posted by Pufferish at 8:36 AM on November 30, 2011

Response by poster: Thanks for the laugh, pufferish! I had brought my boyfriend to Thanksgiving and he was absolutely stunned at the display of violence. Hopefully he will still accompany me to the wedding, but I won't blame him if he wants to pass. One of the ironic things was that before the fight broke out (but not the cause of the fight) my aunts were talking about how they disapproved of some things regarding my sisters fiance! The whole time I'm thinking "you should be grateful anyone even wants to marry into this family!"
At, I don't think I have the patience or guts to actual talk to my aunts..I don't want to be the next target. I do think I should talk to my cousins, especially the boys who may need to act as bodyguards.
Canine, I agree with you, but nervous about going behind my sisters back. Some of the bridal party are friends of my sister and don't the extent of our family troubles, and I feel like they should be warned, especially the one who will have a young child in attendance. I also feel like I should remind everyone not to bring up politics at the reception (a typical trigger for anger). But if my sister is in denial, is it going against her if I bring this stuff up to others?
posted by hellameangirl at 9:44 AM on November 30, 2011

You're not going behind her back unless she has instructed you expressly to do no planning whatsoever for just in case. And if she has, well, in this case, better to ask forgiveness than permission.

Only the squad (which may or may not include members of the party) need to know, and even then, keep it high-level, nobody needs gruesome details, just a high level THIS IS WHAT I NEED AND WHY. So something like "hey, Aunts 2 and 4 really hate each others' guts, so I need your help keeping an eye on them, and keeping drama at a minimum" high-level purpose detail.

None of the other guests need to know, unless these Aunts are so volatile that they shouldn't be invited at all.

You do have someone assigned to mind the kids, right? Just give them a plan just in case they need to gather the chilluns. ("if there's any drama, just take the kids over here.")

I don't think there's any point in reminding anyone about politics - it's impolite to do so anyhow, so it wouldn't stop those crass enough to do it.
posted by canine epigram at 10:39 AM on November 30, 2011

If physical violence breaks out, call the police. You have family members with a history of causing one another serious bodily injury, and at least one member of the group (it's not clear from your question whether Aunt 1 will attend the wedding) has used deadly force against an innocent third party. The only responsible thing to do if such violence occurs in your presence is to call the police. You can let your sister know ahead of time that this is what you plan to do, but you have to do it, for everyone's safety.

If you feel safe doing so, I would have a conversation with the members of your family whom you think might be able to help, either in actually preventing violence from occurring, or in making you feel safe throughout the event. Your safety, both physical and mental, has to come first. Personally, I would not attend this event, but since you've chosen to go, I think you have every right to do whatever you need to do to feel safe, and if other family members don't like that you're choosing not to ignore the problem, that's not your fault.
posted by decathecting at 11:39 AM on November 30, 2011 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Thanks for the responses.
Canine, thankfully there will be very few children in attendance, but yeah, I do need to figure out a safe zone for those few.
Decathecting, no, aunt 1 is put away by law in an institute for criminally insane for (hopefully) life.
Whats also so frustrating is that since aunt 1 set the bar so high on crazy, the rest of them feel sane by comparison, rather than realizing they are walking in her footsteps.
posted by hellameangirl at 11:57 AM on November 30, 2011

Sweetie, I'd vote for not trying to speak with your aunts or any crazies in the family alone beforehand, because all that does is insert yourself in their version of insanity. Pretty sure everything you'd say would pass right over their heads, and all you'd get back in return is whining, excuses and recrimination.

Please don't attempt damage prevention or control at the wedding, either. Inserting yourself into their dramas just makes you a bit player, and you have little chance of stopping anything and more chance of escalating or making yourself the target. Not to mention it enables everyone involved, including your sister and mother, who can pretend everything is normal.

Sis just needs to be prepared for what may happen. Have a large church wedding (easier to keep under control--few people stand up and shout in church) and two small receptions--a small 'special' (short) one for immediate family and the crazies right after the ceremony, and another large normal one for friends and sane relatives later in the evening. Or if you must invite them all together, then absolutely non-alcoholic drinks. Be prepared to have several large individuals ask certain people to leave, or plan to call the cops if you have to. My suggestion is that if things go wahoonie-shaped, everyone sane bug out to a location undisclosed to the crazies. Without mum, if necessary. Lock the door when you get there, and have a good reception.
posted by BlueHorse at 1:53 PM on November 30, 2011