Fixing dismissive text messages

November 26, 2011 10:19 AM

I feel silly asking this, but please help my robotic text messaging style convey more warmth.

The new person I'm seeing asked me yesterday whether his text messages were bothering me, which they are definitely not. He explained that he finds my responses dismissive. I don't mean to be so cold, but I can see that his texts to me are more affectionate than mine to him. I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong here and how I can change it. Unfortunately I don't have any good examples since I clear my inbox regularly, and he couldn't tell me any examples either.

He says I don't have to change anything, but I do like him a lot and I don't think I'm very good at expressing that in texts. I feel silly writing *hugs* and *muah!* - is that weird? Is there a way to make my texts more affectionate without littering them with <3 and emoticons? Do I just need to get over myself?

posted by mossicle to Human Relations (24 answers total)

Try tagging a little x or xx on there? These always feel to me like affection, not overbearing ooey-gooey PDA.
posted by Marquis at 10:24 AM on November 26, 2011

I would feel silly writing *hugs* and *muah* as well.

In my experience, people interpret the tone of a text message based on whatever is going on in their head at the time. Your new guy may be a little insecure about your feelings towards him.

General advice though - don't address him by name in texts, that's weird and sounds formal. Use contractions.

Mostly I wouldn't sweat it though.
posted by Think_Long at 10:24 AM on November 26, 2011

Best answer: I don't think a few xox's and emoticons and not-strictly-necessary exclamation points ever hurt anyone.
posted by yarly at 10:28 AM on November 26, 2011 [5 favorites]

What kind of messages are they? I mean, are you having random conversations via text? Or are these more logistical/informative? I avoid the former because I find texting annoying and I flatly refuse to use anything but full sentences and proper punctuation, so sending a text takes me forever, but I know a lot of people just... chat. If that's the case, I suggest using more words - it will leave less room for misinterpretation.

Also, it's silly, but exclamation points are the fastest way to sound chipper in short sentences. I kind of hate them, but they work! (Heh.)
posted by restless_nomad at 10:32 AM on November 26, 2011

Best answer: Emoticons bother you? But there's a whole world out there beyond :) and :(. My current favorites are :1 and :V. Look, so much warmth! So much joy!

Also, do you have any particular vocal tics, words you overuse way too much, things like that? Sprinkling them throughout texts will make them sound more like you and less like the messages that come preprogrammed on many phones.
posted by estlin at 10:32 AM on November 26, 2011 [3 favorites]

Best answer: Why don't you think of what you would say to him on the phone or in person and just type it out?
posted by abcde at 10:54 AM on November 26, 2011

How about going the other direction? My texts are all complete sentences, usually properly punctuated, and often with a dandy-ism or anachronism thrown in. Of course, that's in keeping with my style of speech, but there's no reason to dumb yourself down for their sake.
posted by TheNewWazoo at 11:12 AM on November 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Hey! Know what? I pretty much always use exclamation points in my text messages and IMs. Like, ALWAYS. It's weird, I know! But I'm in the habit, and if I don't include an exclamation point I feel like I'm coming across as unenthusiastic. I also sometimes employ all caps for dramatic or comedic effect. If someone texts me asking if I want to get burgers, I'll either text back "Yeah!" or "BURGERS AW YES" meaning I am TOTES EXCITED about BURGERS.

That's just my style, though, and it might strike you as really silly. After all, it is! But written conversations tend to come across as dry, so you have to add some stage makeup to your sentences, so to speak. Also, text messages are practically the most informal mode of communication EVER aside from burping the alphabet, so you have free rein to be SUPER DORKY.

Oh! And! It helps if you have private jokes or compatible senses of humor, because you can text things like "hey baby, HILARIOUS JOKE" and he'll be like "that was a good one" and then you'll feel all warm and fuzzy. Figure out what works for you.
posted by Metroid Baby at 11:20 AM on November 26, 2011 [11 favorites]

I'm an adult, yet I revel in the glory that is emoji.
posted by The corpse in the library at 11:27 AM on November 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

Yeah, I hate emoticons in principle, but they're pretty crucial for quick texts.

Him:"Hi I was thinking it would be awesome to go to dinner tomorrow night I know a great place"
You:"OK"

vs

Him:"Hi I was thinking it would be awesome to go to dinner tomorrow night I know a great place"
You:"OK :)"

There's definitely a difference.
posted by auto-correct at 11:38 AM on November 26, 2011 [2 favorites]

I disagree about not addressing him by name. I think using someone's name makes texts more personal and intimate.
posted by timsneezed at 12:20 PM on November 26, 2011

Even if you're not comfortable adding emoticons, exclamation points, or other silliness to your texts, being the one to initiate the texts every once in awhile may be enough. It shows him that you're thinking of him and actively want to communicate with him.
posted by rhiannonstone at 12:22 PM on November 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

I find that if I write in whole, proper sentences, with correct punctuation, it comes across less cold and abrupt. I also don't use any shortened text such as 'u' or 'r'. I type it all out as I think that is at least a little bit closer to being human. No need to add funny emoticons.
posted by Vaike at 12:37 PM on November 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

I have found a few text correspondents a little cold. It never occurred to me to mention it too them because if I know them well I just assume it is their personal texting style' not that they are unfriendly. I don't think you have to insert emoticons, but including some positive emotions that is not essential for the message, can be nice. For example, if I receive a message that says, "see you at the bar at 7pm?". If I was to respond with "yes. 7pm", it would feel a little too functional (perhaps cold). I usually say something like, "yes, see you there - sounds good" or something similar it sounds a little warmer. In life, we would rarely just have monosyllabic conversations; I suppose texting is similar.
posted by a womble is an active kind of sloth at 1:04 PM on November 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Re: initiating texts once in a while - it also helps if once in a while you write texts that are trivial and unimportant in a "thinking of you" kind of way.

A boy I liked used to send me texts describing odd things he'd see on the street, like "There's a woman with pink hair and a panda on a leash infront of Tesco's!"
I really liked that, made me feel connected with his day.
posted by Omnomnom at 1:06 PM on November 26, 2011 [4 favorites]

Best answer: We tend to assume that no emotion = no change; if the person knew we liked him before, then a lack of emotional affect will indicate the relationship has not changed. This is not the case.

People need constant, low-level reassurance that we like them. That's what an emoticon does, what an exclamation point does, what a smile does when we see someone. Just find some small way to communicate affection.

This doesn't only apply to boyfriends, but to everyone. Misinterpretation of others' feelings and intentions is a huge problem. We need to constantly tell people that we like them and wish them well, through (usually) non-verbal methods. That's why we bother dressing nicely, saying hello in the hall, and a thousand other small things. When we don't do these small things, an atmosphere of coldness and then, eventually, hostility creeps in.
posted by amtho at 1:39 PM on November 26, 2011 [10 favorites]

Best answer: I have told my signficiant other the very thing your boyfriend told you. Silly? Sure, probably. But a few added emoticons and "sweethearts" and the like put a smile on my face. Nothing false, just putting in what she would do in person whether it be a smile or a word. And I knew I was taking the risk of seeming the terrible h-m (high maintenance) by even mentioning it, but it is lovely to see the communication difference. Now when I get the abrupt text, I know she is busy, had a crap day or I'm irritating her. These are important things to know.
posted by Kitty Cornered at 1:45 PM on November 26, 2011 [1 favorite]

I tend to write texts in full, punctuated sentences and that makes many people assume that I am the sort of person who hates emoticons and smileys. But that couldn't be further from the truth - why wouldn't you want to smile at people and have them smile at you?!

For me (a straight guy), I often use smileys when texting girls (friends, sister, object of romantic affections - doesn't matter) and the I bring out the single 'x' when I want to clearly communicate affection. The text equivalent of a manly hug has yet to be invented.

I think you should use his name (or whatever you normally use to address him) sparingly. The winking smiley should be used after sarcasm/joking to flag up that you are not being serious. The normal smiley is for conveying pleasure at receiving a message or the feeling of looking forward to something. The *hugs* and 'x's are for difficult or emotional moments (when you would actually use a hug or a kiss in real life). And all the other emoticons are more hassle than they are worth.
posted by neilb449 at 2:07 PM on November 26, 2011

You are my boyfriend. Well, no, but...yeah, he's the same way. What I told him was "pronouns are your friend. And punctuation, and occasional complete sentences."

Me: have you seen that new movie?

Him: sucks

Me: Is that an opinion, a question, or an offer?

Him: I saw it, and it sucked.
Him: also, an offer. :-)
posted by MexicanYenta at 2:15 PM on November 26, 2011

I am in the exclaimantion point camp. Sometimes I'll use an emoticon even though I rarely use them online.

One thing I've found that doesn't work with people who don't spend much time online is adding a "haha" or "lol" to show I'm not angry/being super serious/whatever. About 50% of the time I get a reply consisting of "what's so funny?" or "why are you laughing?".
posted by addelburgh at 3:24 PM on November 26, 2011

The best way to make your text messages sound less 'mechanical' is to text in a format which makes it seem like you are talking directly to the person. For instance, if someone asks you something you don't say "yes, i will do that" you say "okay sure," "yeah, i agree," or "yeah, for sure." Texting is an informal means of communication, you don't need to use emoticons to show that you want to talk to someone. Just don't use short sentences often in text format or communicate too professionally.
posted by sincerely-s at 10:05 PM on November 26, 2011

what kind of phone are u using? my android keyboard has a smiley button...hold it down for a sec and a whole grid of them comes up (i'm a big fan of :/ and ~^ ) i use them more than i like to admit...but i'ts a good shortcut and definitely helps keep it warm without a lot of typing...
posted by sexyrobot at 3:20 AM on November 27, 2011

I had a similar problem. I've always written in a formal register, so text messaging was awkward for me at first. I've learned to text in a casual register that better reflects how I speak to friends, rather than how I would write to them.
posted by kamikazegopher at 5:18 PM on November 27, 2011

I seem to be very much in the minority when it comes to informal text communication: I treat it like normal conversation --- crazy, huh? In particular, I'd disagree with auto-correct and agree with Vaike.

In auto-correct's example, the first way can seem dismissive or uninterested or terse; the second way is pretty much the same with a light candy coating. What I'd prefer (and probably do) in that situation is respond with "I like the way you think. What's the place?" That's how good conversation works, with back-and-forth energy rather than one person catching the other's volleys and holding on.

Maybe you're just not a text-messaging sort of person. I wasn't (at all) until I got a smart phone, and even now I'm not all that crazy about it. Sometimes it works, though.


On a related note, if you have an Android phone and want to save your texts for whatever reason --- like looking for examples of your cold, robotic, dismissive behavior --- I suggest checking out SMS Backup. I use it and, consequently, can easily provide real examples of how I text.
posted by cardioid at 8:49 PM on November 27, 2011 [1 favorite]