Should I stay or should I go? **Warning: Wall Of Text**
November 16, 2011 10:17 AM   Subscribe

Long-term love under siege because he can't seem to get his life started, and I think I am turning into his mom. Please help.

I am in a long term relationship which has just become long distance due to my job. We've been together over 5 years, from our early twenties, we are incredibly well suited and I have had the happiest days of my life with this person. We work incredibly well as a couple and living partners; he is kind, considerate, loyal, funny, grounds me in ways I cannot describe.

But there's been one thing which has nagged at me throughout our entire relationship and has gotten worse over time. He can't seem to get his life started. He graduated from a really great university pretty much the year we got together. Since then, in the last 5 years, I have finished two degrees and gotten my first job, and he has basically not gone anywhere. While I was finishing my degrees he spent much of it wondering what to do with himself. He has a lot of trouble doing things he finds unpleasant, like writing cover letters or sending out applications for jobs he is not excited about. He would rather read books, go online, see friends or play games.

The trouble is in part that he thinks himself overqualified and too smart for most kinds of work, which is true in some ways, but because he has basically no work experience at all, his qualifications have counted for less and less each year. He wants to do work that is meaningful and helps people, so big money-shifting corporations are no-go, but he is cynical about NGOs/charities, as well as academia, and doesn't want to do boring admin jobs very much; he is also resistant to the idea I've frequently forwarded, that he should just do something and see where that leads. He is uncomfortable with settling for very much less than the ideal. In the apparent absence of jobs that are helpful, well paid and up to his intellectual standard, he has been deeply unmotivated to apply for any jobs at all.

It's all gotten worse in the current climate. When he graduated the meltdown hadn't quite happened, and he was quite relaxed about starting work. He wanted 1 gap year and it turned into, like, 3. He has very few contacts and a gigantic hole in his CV of years doing not very much. He's basically broke. We lived together for quite a few years and while he has been considerate and scrupulous about trying to share out our finances fairly, I have naturally ended up taking the brunt of financial responsibility. Last year he finally decided he was going to be a lawyer and he went ahead and did the first half of a two-year course. He did really well on it and liked it. He's got more direction now than he ever has. But he didn't start the second half of it this year because he's run out of cash for it (his parents paid for the first year) and he isn't willing to take out a loan. So he's now, for the next year, broke, again unemployed and not engaged otherwise in anything useful. He's applying for financial aid for next year, but it's unclear whether he will get it, in which case he can't complete the course, in which case we're back to square one. In the mean time he is supposed to find stopgap employment and a place to live now that we no longer live together, and in the four months since I moved to start my job, he has managed to get round to neither.

Worst of all, I've become (against my best wishes) the annoying fix-your-life person (read: mom/nag) in his life. It's gotten to the point where he doesn't want to discuss certain topics with me anymore because he knows he ought to be dealing with something but hasn't been. At one point I would literally email him job or rental ads which he could apply to, because he was not even looking for them himself. I was doing everything I could to help him, but he's told me that what I think is helpful is not actually helpful to him, because what he needs is emotional support rather than problem fixing. I felt terrible about this when he told me, and I often think maybe I just don't know how to help him, and if I were better I would know how to support him, and with better support he would be able to get things done. But I have felt so frustrated over the time we've been together. I've tried to take the attitude that he's an adult and can figure his own way, but I have often seen that if I don't prod him or talk to him about my concerns about his situation, weeks go by without him doing very much at all. Maybe I just really don't get it. He's incredibly smart, among his friends he is regarded as an impressive, kind and intelligent individual. I don't understand why he finds it so hard to do this stuff.

MeFi: should I really be complaining? Is it unfair and/or stupid of me to feel unsure about staying together with someone who is so great in many other ways, and with whom I was once beyond certain I was going to spend the rest of my life? after years of slogging through my degrees I am now basically in my dream job, exactly where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I love my life, except that I worry constantly about him. I realize he's not having the best time right now, and I think a part of him blames me for not being there to help him and support him. But -- and this sounds terrible -- I've noticed that I get embarrassed now when my friends and colleagues ask after him and what he's up to. I have always felt like I've batted on his team, but recently it's gotten really hard for me to defend his inactivity to others; I end up feeling embarrassed, incredibly shitty and disloyal, all at once.

At the same time I've believed for so long in his abilities, goodness and intelligence. I want to keep having faith that he'll make something work, we'll have a wonderful life together, and it'll just take time. But how much time? It's been 5 years and despite all the good times, I feel like I've been up against this every step of the way. Is this really a quality that can change? People always say you can't change a partner, you just have to learn to live with them or learn that you can't. Is this a deal-breaker? I can tell you it would break my heart to break up with him, but staying in this is also making me more and more miserable, and anxious, and frankly exhausted. What should I do? Should I really give up on this? Should I slog it out and hope it gets sorted out, and continue to try to support him? Both feel to me emotionally destructive, although just carrying on in the relationship is in many ways easier. Our lives are so entwined, we're so emotionally present to each other, and I genuinely find it difficult and unpleasant to think what my life would be like without him. But I am starting to feel like something really, really needs to change. If it can't be him maybe it's got to be me.

FWIW we have talked about this many, many times, so there is very little in here, apart from my very seriously considering a breakup, that I haven't said to him. Thanks and apologies in advance for the long post, if you read any/all of it!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (54 answers total) 19 users marked this as a favorite
 
Just to play devil's advocate here, why does he absolutely need to get his life in order to the extent that you have yours?

I am like you, by the way, in needing to have things moving forward at all times and to not just be wandering in a haze of general dissatisfaction with life but no general idea of how to fix it.

But, is it really your job to fix this in him? Since you are not married, and you have separate finances, I would recommend just stepping away from trying to help him out of the rut that you think he is in and instead let him find his own way - this doesn't mean I'm advocating that you break up, but that you let go of your need to fix him. He has to figure out what he wants to do on his own and he obviously isn't doing that despite your very nice, but probably not helpful efforts.

I understand your frustration in that you see him floundering and think you have to be the one to pull him to safety, but this shouldn't drown you to.

On the topic of finances, I also think that you should stop supporting him financially. That is causing a lot of resentment (and rightfully so). Besides, it may have the benefit of actually getting him moving in the direction that you want to see him go.
posted by Leezie at 10:27 AM on November 16, 2011


I had a boyfriend like this. I left him. He's not going to change, ever, you'll be supporting him and hell be complaining about stuff forever. You can do better
posted by fshgrl at 10:28 AM on November 16, 2011 [24 favorites]


Wow, I have to say you have FAR more patience than I would in this situation. You need to honestly consider whether you can spend the rest of your life feeling frustrated and miserable because you are either nagging him to do things or holding your tongue while he continues to do nothing.

This whole paragraph: The trouble is in part that he thinks himself overqualified and too smart for most kinds of work, which is true in some ways, but because he has basically no work experience at all, his qualifications have counted for less and less each year. would bother me too. There are PLENTY of highly intelligent people who are unemployed or underemployed and he just doesn't want to do boring admin jobs? That seriously made my head explode - who WANTS to do boring admin jobs?? People do them because they are adults who need to pay their bills and be responsible. How nice for him that he's been able to find someone willing to take care of him.

I'm sure someone will suggest that he might be depressed, and while that's definitely a possibility it doesn't read that way to me. It reads more like entitlement.

If it's bothering you this much (which is totally reasonable!) you should definitely consider at the very least not supporting him. Personally I would be long gone by now - a partner should be someone who is at least willing to try and hold up their end of the responsibilities that come with being an adult.
posted by brilliantine at 10:32 AM on November 16, 2011 [7 favorites]


First you wrote: "We've been together over 5 years, from our early twenties, we are incredibly well suited and I have had the happiest days of my life with this person."

Then: "After years of slogging through my degrees I am now basically in my dream job, exactly where I want to be and what I want to be doing. I love my life, except that I worry constantly about him."

Five years ago, he was the right guy for you. But since then, you've worked hard and turned yourself into a "10," while he sounds like he's lazily sunk down to a "6" or worse. You've grown apart. It's heartbreaking, because it sounds like you really love this guy. But if you met him today, would he even merit a second date?
posted by theletterfour at 10:34 AM on November 16, 2011 [16 favorites]


He has not stalled in getting his life started: This is the life he is living, and the one he's chosen. Whether or not he's happy about that or not, or isn't being honest about whether or not the life he's building is the one he really wants or not, is not something that you can divine or make him decide to acknowledge.

So. Eyes on your own paper, please. I know you love him. I know you want to help him! Those are both admirable things -- you want him to be happy, you want to be part of helping him to be the best version of himself, and that's all great. But he's not a baby and yes, you're right, you're not his mom.

but I have often seen that if I don't prod him or talk to him about my concerns about his situation, weeks go by without him doing very much at all.

So? Is your livelihood dependent on his "doing stuff"?

Maybe I just really don't get it. He's incredibly smart, among his friends he is regarded as an impressive, kind and intelligent individual. I don't understand why he finds it so hard to do this stuff.

This is the crux of it, and I think you need to examine this. Whatever it is that your boyfriend is going through, whatever malaise or confusion about what he wants to do that's gripping him -- has got you actually doubting his character. Be kind to yourself and understand that this is not a horrible thing, it just is what it is. I believe that yes, as it stands now, if you can't get over that, it is a dealbreaker. This is a downward spiral that is very likely to end with him in a (deeper) depression and you feeling (more) exasperated and frustrated.

Should I really give up on this?

If this is the hope that he wakes up out of his fog determined to build the life that you envision for him and to be the man you hope he will be, then yes.

But if this is a partnership with someone you want to be with for the long haul, then I think there is a way it can be salvaged. It is going to take a lot of work though, to unhook your expectations from who he really is. To convince him that you really accept him as he is.

But perhaps this should actually be a focus on a way to convince yourself that it is ok to walk away from someone who isn't the person you actually want to be with. Because that's also true, you know - you're not a monster for wanting to be with someone who is similarly ambitious and accomplished. You should believe this whether or not you decide to stay.

Good luck to you, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. At the end of the day, nobody can tell you if you have a right to complain (of course you do, you just might not be able to find anybody willing to listen), or if you should give up on this guy or stick it out -- because it's about what YOU want. Listen to your gut and don't be swayed too much by the "you shoulds" you'll hear left and right. At the end of the day, remind yourself wherever you can to respect his choices, his path, and remember that you can't control his behavior. Even if you don't stay with him, you have been together and have loved him, and he deserves respect to lead his life, with all of it's fumblings and misdirections and false starts.
posted by pazazygeek at 10:36 AM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


Stop being his mother. Stop sending him jobs. Stop trying to fix him. Don't support him financially in any way - dinners, movies, gifts (incl. Christmast, birthday, anniversary), certainly not rent, food, etc., no loans.

You have to ask yourself if this is the relationship you want to have. If being with someone self sufficient and resourceful is important to you, are you OK with continuing to be with him and I don't you are, the resentment is already underway. Do you want to marry this person, have children with him? Which to me seems a rather horrible idea, you are with the wrong man. You value different things.
posted by shoesietart at 10:36 AM on November 16, 2011 [4 favorites]


"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." -- Maya Angelou

This isn't going away anytime soon. And the more time you spend with him, the more your personality winds up being shaped in response to this situation. If this isn't the role you want to be in with him, or want to wind up re-enacting with other men out of habit, then you'd better take matters into your own hands.
posted by hermitosis at 10:38 AM on November 16, 2011 [6 favorites]


The trouble is in part that he thinks himself overqualified and too smart for most kinds of work, which is true in some ways, but because he has basically no work experience at all, his qualifications have counted for less and less each year. would bother me too.

I only had to read this far to answer this. If you've reached the point where he's avoiding conversations because he hasn't done anything, and he considers himself above doing lousy jobs to pay the bills, then it's done. He cannot be who you wanted him to be.

You're learning a hard, hard lesson - you can't save anybody. You can support someone on the path they've chosen, but you can't do the work for them. He could be depressed, and suggesting therapy might help him.

I've been you, and I left. Stop supporting him. Stop mothering him. Give it three months (if you really want proof of concept) then you need to end this.
posted by canine epigram at 10:39 AM on November 16, 2011 [5 favorites]


don't 'think' you are
posted by shoesietart at 10:39 AM on November 16, 2011


You're right - you will never be able to change him. He has to want to change, and it doesn't sound like he does. You have to decide if you can be with him as he is. You said you're embarrassed, anxious, and exhausted, so it doesn't sound like you can, or should. Your feelings, needs and goals are important. You need to take care of yourself.
posted by random thoughts at 10:39 AM on November 16, 2011


Having read all the way through this, I actually have a hard time believing that you like him at all. You say his friends like him, but that's it.

You're describing somebody who doesn't contribute because all forms of contribution are beneath him, and who lives entirely off the resources of others, having wasted thousands of dollars of his parents' money on half a law degree because he's unwilling to pay for any of it himself.

After five years, I think you're having trouble seeing him as anything but a money pit and you are right. What if you were unable to work for any length of time - could he do for you what you are now doing for him? No, because he has no resources of his own, and no plans to get any.

I could understand this if he had been slogging away for five years, trying and failing, with maybe intermittent stretches of apathy and discouragement. From each according to ability, to each according to need, right? But he basically refuses to do anything in life that he doesn't want to do, that is the problem, and you know it.

This would certainly be a deal-breaker for me. I was exasperated before I even finished reading this. I would say YMMV, but that would be disingenuous.
posted by tel3path at 10:43 AM on November 16, 2011 [9 favorites]


A lot of what is holding you together is inertia. Hard to imagine life without, intertwined, and all that. These make it harder to leave, but they're not good reasons to stay, any more than it would be good to stay because you like being in a relationship (any relationship). Instead, imagine you were only a month into this relationship and were considering making this man your partner. What would you do? Would you be excited about it, or would you be wary?
posted by PercussivePaul at 11:05 AM on November 16, 2011


I was that guy, for a few years.

I was stupid. It took losing everything to make me realize that being smart and well qualified is worth precisely dick.

Digging in and working hard for your goals is the only way to make it anywhere and if you have to leave him for him to come to that, it might be the only way to help him.
posted by JimmyJames at 11:10 AM on November 16, 2011 [7 favorites]


This happened to me. I divorced him.
posted by whimsicalnymph at 11:10 AM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


The entitlement, way more than the unemployment or general lack of direction, is what really jumps out as untenable to me. And I just can't see that getting better. If he never gets a job he'll be entitled and increasingly bitter (fun!) and if he somehow (like through you) lands a good job, he'll look down on others who didn't.

There's another thing....that I hesitate to say because it's more of a generalization about human nature than related to any one specific thing you wrote here. But what happens a lot with situations like this is that you (the person in your position) forces or drags or sweetly pulls him along until he's doing great in life, and then he dumps you, either because a) he's a different person now, and you are the same person you were in the past, or b) he's ashamed and your presence reminds him of his years of loserdom. I feel like you could be investing all this energy, and it might be all for something you won't be around to enjoy.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 11:13 AM on November 16, 2011 [7 favorites]


I think you should wait it out some more.

I haven't read all of the responses, but I want to say that five years of trying to figure his life out is actually not that long, and it kind of seems like he's on the verge of dealing with this, assuming that law school works out, particularly because you say he loves it. Has he ever gotten this far with anything before? Is this a different pattern? Because different patterns are very encouraging, and I do not agree with other people who have said that people do not change. If you graduated from college 5 years ago, you are both still in your twenties, and you both have WORLDS of change coming. It's entirely possible that now is his time, and despite some minor financial setbacks, he may well have a law degree in another year or two.

Some of the things you say about his attitude are troubling, certainly. It's hard to be around someone who is so precious that they feel like certain jobs are beneath them, especially when you are to a large extent supporting you both. It's also hard to be around someone who whines and complains about things like writing cover letters. I get that.

Figure shit out is a very long process for some of us, but that doesn't mean that we're big failures and are going to stay that way forever. It just means it might take longer. If you really love him and feel like he's your match, I say give it a bit more time. If you have moved and you're going "maybe I don't love him," well, maybe you don't. You're young. It's okay.

I also had a relationship early in my twenties with someone who was not figuring his shit out. I left him. The difference, here, is that your guy is trying, you know? It sounds like he flails a lot, but he is trying.
posted by hought20 at 11:14 AM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


He either gets a loan, or he avoids debt the same way other great people have done - by getting a shitty job that was beneath him, and using that to pay for the degree that leads to the career job.

If it's not depression, then maybe it's time for some tough love. Perhaps tell him that the two of you can have another shot at it if he gets serious about getting his life together, but in the meantime it's best to separate, and that if he's serious about you, he'll get it together in time to have a good chance of not losing you to someone else.

He's been with you for five years, so counter-intuitively, the excitement of the fantasy of being single may make this initially seem a lot less brutal than I suspect the eventual wake-up call will be.

But I suspect that more support is not what he needs.
posted by -harlequin- at 11:15 AM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


People always say you can't change a partner, you just have to learn to live with them or learn that you can't.

True, but with the caveat that you can communicate an expectation that they should change themselves. But while that can totally be accelerated by external factors (e.g., losing parental/girlfriend enablement), ultimately, he's going to have to want to change for his own reasons.

I would cut him loose. If there's more than just laziness or inertia standing in his way (say, a mental health issue you haven't told us about - which I mention, because even though you didn't say anything specifically about it, we seem to get a lot of folks here on the green with similar life patters who are actually dealing with clinically crippling levels of general anxiety and/or depression), I might stick with it contingent on him seeking out a specialist, but only if I detected real motivation and intent to change things.
posted by deludingmyself at 11:15 AM on November 16, 2011


I don't think he's a bad guy, and I don't know if there's hope or not.

What I do know is that your question reads like you know it's time to break up and you really, really would like to see a different option. You haven't quite gotten to where you accept it yet, but the cognitive dissonance is building.

You've moved on, and he hasn't, and there's no way for you to push or pull him along with you. You can't stay in a relationship that makes you anxious and unhappy all the time, especially if there's no path out of those bad feelings other than a breakup.

This sucks and I feel like it must hurt a lot. Hang in there, and remember that you can't feel guilty for doing what's right for you. Hugs.
posted by mrs. taters at 11:17 AM on November 16, 2011 [7 favorites]


I feel for you, OP. You've got some great advice upthread; I just want to add:

He has a lot of trouble doing things he finds unpleasant, like writing cover letters or sending out applications for jobs he is not excited about. He would rather read books, go online, see friends or play games.

Christ, who *wouldn't* prefer to read or go online or hang out with friends instead of applying for jobs?! Part of being a grown-up means you GET A JOB AND PAY RENT.

he isn't willing to take out a loan.

Well, that's severely limiting his options, isn't it.

In the mean time he is supposed to find stopgap employment and a place to live now that we no longer live together, and in the four months since I moved to start my job, he has managed to get round to neither.

How's he going to pay rent? Is he expecting you to support him? I think you should stop supporting him financially; it's getting to the ridiculous stage.
posted by Specklet at 11:18 AM on November 16, 2011 [4 favorites]


It sounds like there are too many people and entrenched habits in his life that enable his entitlement. His parents help him, you help him, and his friends encourage his faith in his limitless potential. Some people need to hit bottom before they start taking control of their lives. Unfortunately, it sounds like he might be one of them. Losing you might be the wake-up call he needs, since it sounds like he's never really met the consequences of his actions. I think it's really hard to change the ways you relate to one another--you mother him and support him. Do you know any other way of relating to him? Even if you change yourself, you can't change his family or his friends. They'll keep helping him when you won't. I honestly don't think anything less than the loss of something really important will move him. I've been the one with entitlement issues, and I didn't learn until I lost something important. I'm sorry.
posted by millions of peaches at 11:25 AM on November 16, 2011 [4 favorites]


Stop enabling him and supporting him in his habit. He's a grown man, and he can either figure out his life or he can live under a bridge. You can't fix him and by doing as much as you are doing, you're letting him know that he's not responsible for himself and can't be expected to do so.
Of course this is a deal-breaker. It's not like he's saving orphan kittens for $1.00 an hour. You could probably stand it if he was doing meaningful work that benefited someone else even if it didn't pay very well.
But he's not. He's sitting on his ass, playing games. DTMFA.
posted by Ideefixe at 11:27 AM on November 16, 2011 [4 favorites]


I also suspect that even though he knows this very basic thing, he doesn't really know it:

At university, you pay to work.
At a job, you get paid to work.

When I was at school, I feared leaving that world behind for something potentially soul-sucking. But then I discovered something magical: After years of university, living on fumes, almost any job was a delight and a net boost to happiness simply because of the sheer awesome power and joy of having MONEY!$$!!!$!

(I've been in the workforce many years since, so the magic of earning is not as sparkly as it was, but he might be surprised at how rewarding he finds even a job that is beneath him, because suddenly, all those things he's wanted to do? HE CAN DO THEM! All those dreams he's put on hold? HE CAN LIVE THEM!)

I don't think he's fully valuing the value of earning, because he's never fully experienced it.

It also sounds like he has a lot of his self-esteem and identity tied up in career. If he can see that for what it is, maybe he'll be more interested in a job as a means to an end, rather than an end in itself. Or at least recognise that even flipping burgers is a more dignified career than his current trajectory.
posted by -harlequin- at 11:30 AM on November 16, 2011 [7 favorites]


The man absolutely does not want to work. He refuses to support himself. Anyone who's "too good" for a job so he stays unemployed for years and doesn't mind is not the kind of fellow who will deal with reality, and if something happened to you so you weren't working, you'd probably end up homeless.

I was with someone like this. It ain't worth it no matter how nice he is. The man can't and won't back you up and he refuses to take care of himself, for fuck's sake. As long as you or someone else take care of him, he doesn't HAVE to. And these parasite people somehow can usually find someone to take care of them so they never have to do shit.

It's "too unpleasant" to fill out job applications and resumes? He'd rather play games? (No shit, so would everyone.) He's too good for work? He can't be arsed to look for a home (where is he living now? Parents, right?) For fuck's sake, GROW UP. That is what most people do so they can fucking eat and have health insurance. Anyone who flat out refuses to do that stuff is being ridiculous. You can't marry a guy like this. It will make you crazy and I am glad every day I didn't marry mine. He's probably still living with his parents and unemployed and the older you get, the worse that looks and the harder it is to dig out of that hole. Should you ever want to. Which they usually don't.

Oh, and of course he loved law school: it meant he didn't have to work and for once he had a justified excuse not to be working. I'd bet money that once he had the JD he'd never look for a job again.
posted by jenfullmoon at 11:30 AM on November 16, 2011 [5 favorites]


You've answered your own question in your post. You know you should leave him but it is just easier to stay with him and leaving would be inconvenient. Bite the bullet. Listen to your own good reasoning and DTMFA.
posted by txmon at 11:54 AM on November 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


Your boyfriend could get a job, he could get the financial aid and so on. You may live a great life for 10 years with him, but what happens when he is out of a job again? This issue may be a reoccurring issue throughout your lives together or maybe it will never happen again.

My mother had this issue. She recently divorced my dad of 30+ years. It was after 7 years of a similar thing of trying to get him to find a job and he wanted a non-traditional job. Basically bringing in little to no income. Many people said that she should have divorced him 2 years ago and not put up with it for so long. Although from knowing my dad and talking to my mother, I do not think this was the first time he has acted like this. He has in the past needed pushing to get to college or get a job when he was young. My mother turned into a nagging person and that hurt their relationship beyond repair. My father would no longer talk about finances or anything that may be stressful because he did not want to deal with it and their communication stopped.

So you need to think long term here. You may have to deal with this type of thing over and over again in your relationship. Are you willing to deal with this? Also think about your boyfriend. He needs a different type of support than you can give. This can put a major negative divide in your relationship and it can break down your communication and trust in each other. In the end you CAN'T and shouldn't try to fix anyone. People can only fix themselves with the correct support from their peers. It will only bring on stress to you if you try to shape this person to be who YOU want him to be. There are so many people in this world and you can probably find a responsible person who fits your goals and outlook on life. Your boyfriend may also need someone else who can provide the type of support that he needs.

Also, if your boyfriend has no job, why does he not live with you? He may be able to do the same soul searching and financial aid and job finding in the comfort of your home rather than the stress of being broke and out of a place. This is of course assuming you decide that you love him and want to help him. In the long run you two would be planning to live together so there is not much holding him back over the next year to prevent him from living with you now.

If you stay with your boyfriend then I would suggest to listen to your boyfriend. Just give him the emotional support he needs. If he is smart he will be able to figure this out on his own at his own pace. Nagging will only push him away from you and stress you out and remember this may happen again and again if you plan on being with him over the next 40 years.
posted by Jaelma24 at 11:55 AM on November 16, 2011


The trouble is in part that he thinks himself overqualified and too smart for most kinds of work, which is true in some ways…He wants to do work that is meaningful and helps people, so big money-shifting corporations are no-go, but he is cynical about NGOs/charities, as well as academia, and doesn't want to do boring admin jobs very much; he is also resistant to the idea I've frequently forwarded, that he should just do something and see where that leads. He is uncomfortable with settling for very much less than the ideal. In the apparent absence of jobs that are helpful, well paid and up to his intellectual standard, he has been deeply unmotivated to apply for any jobs at all.

you know what? sometimes we just have to do things we don't want to do. that's called being an adult. your bf seems to have an excuse for everything. this guy is not going to change. at least not any time soon, and at least not while his current lifestyle is being enabled. if this is something you can put up with—and it will be for a lifetime bc you will be supporting him—then stay with him. i broke up with someone earlier this year who was the same way in that, while he was still able to get alimony from his ex, and while his parents were still willing to help him out, he wasn't interested in actually pursuing a career—or any job really. i even offered to support him while he interned or did whatever low-paying job in a non-profit to get that career going. but in the end, it became apparent that he was harboring the secret hope that i would support him while he paid lip-service to pursuing a career. he's 40 years old.
posted by violetk at 11:57 AM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


I think a lot of young people, especially now when fewer options exist, go through periods like this. A lot of young, precociously intelligent people, especially. Let me make some guesses about his life up to this point:

1) He was always praised for being unusually bright
2) He never had to work very hard to get good grades

But school/undergrad is over now. He has to make a transition from childhood (little responsibility, lots of free time, gets positive reinforcement for being clever rather than working hard) to adulthood (total responsibility for himself, little free time, not a lot of praise, has to work hard/unglamorously to get anywhere) and he doesn't know how. And that doesn't necessarily make him a bad person or detract from the joy you have had together -- but it does mean that he might not be able to give you what you need and deserve at this point in his (and your) life.

He might be able to make this transition while you're together, but most guys in his position have trouble doing that. As perverse as this might sound, breaking up with him might be the biggest thing you can do to help him. And it might be what you need to do for yourself.

Look at it this way: he's basically thinking only of his own comfort, despite his being kind/considerate/funny. He's not doing this to hurt you, or even entirely intentionally, but he's doing it regardless. You have to prioritize your own happiness and emotional well-being above his right now because otherwise his will always be above yours.

Good luck. It would not make you a bad person to break up with him. You obviously have a lot of love to share, and you shouldn't share it with someone who doesn't value your relationship enough to keep you happy.
posted by clockzero at 12:04 PM on November 16, 2011 [6 favorites]


Your guy reminds me of myself somewhat, with one major difference being that I've at least always had a job, in a respectable field no less, and even decently well-paying. Despite this, however, I've always been disappointed with my career. I also went to a great school, so I'm disappointed to be pretty mediocre at what I do, and disappointed that I don't have whatever combination of ability, courage, and motivation it might take to become a star in my field, go back to school, or find something more "impressive" to do, because that's the fantasy I always had for myself growing up, that I would be impressive somehow.

I had a girlfriend, too, and we also got together shortly after college. She tried for a long time to help me, suggesting ways to make my current job better, suggesting other careers that might make me happier, and none of her ideas sounded like anything I really wanted to do. I watched her get a master's degree and advance in her career, and we were together about 5 years, until she moved away for work. Then we broke up. She didn't want to stay with me because it didn't seem like I was doing anything to fix my problems, and I agreed with her. I didn't try convincing her to stay.

That was 5 years ago now. She's basically in her dream job today, and I'm basically in the same place I was when we first met. So that's what I think will happen with you, too, and it's probably for the best.

Your guy sounds like he's in an awful spot, and he's likely years away from being in a place where you wouldn't be embarrassed to talk about him (if he ever gets there), and just as important, from being in a place where he isn't embarrassed for himself, because I bet that he is. Were I in his shoes, getting your emailed job or apartment listings would only hammer home the point that I wasn't cutting it as an adult, let alone living up to my sky-high expectations for myself-- the phrase I use to capture what I think of myself is "failed narcissist."

I think he needs therapy, focused in particular on this point, "He is uncomfortable with settling for very much less than the ideal," because my biased opinion is that all his reasons for rejecting various things he could do are an unconscious smokescreen for the fear that he might be a very ordinary, unremarkable person rather than some kind of prodigy or saint. I don't think there's any effective help for someone like him that doesn't first address this fear, by exposing it to conscious awareness, by validating it as both real and as something that other people are capable of understanding, and by responding to it in a way that he is able to take in.
posted by Dixon Ticonderoga at 12:08 PM on November 16, 2011 [21 favorites]


Granted, we all have very limited information here, but I don't agree with the people who claim that this guy is an inveterate slacker. He sounds to me like an INFP--a personality type that finds it very difficult to do work that they don't find meaningful. I have a close friend who's a similar type. She did hold down a job for several years at a Head Start program, but found it incredibly draining because she saw a lot of flaws in the system that she was unable to fix. As a result, the work left her exhausted, hopeless, and pretty damn miserable. INFPs are extraordinarily sensitive that way, and it can be hard for a "go-getter" type personality to understand why they just can't bite the bullet and get a job that pays the bills. But they have a fundamental need for meaning that makes impossible for them to stay psychologically healthy in a work position that they find to be 1) morally problematic and/or 2) drudgery. They wilt like plants without water when they're in those kinds of situations.

Your boyfriend seems to have been trying to meet his needs through the activities you mention (reading, socializing, etc). He also seems to have been very successful at school so far, and it seems to me from your description that if he did find a career that he found fulfilling and worthwhile, he'd be very good at it. Do you think that's true? If that's the case, I'd advise you to encourage him to explore different opportunities--volunteer work, etc., that might lead him to find a new path. I would frame the conversation more in terms of him potentially discovering new passions rather than demanding that he make a career choice and stick to it for the rest of his life.

But this is going to take some time. It's going to require patience from you, and you're going to have to be prepared for him to explore for a while before you can expect for him to buckle down and commit to something. The question is whether or not you're the type that's going to be able to be happy while you're sticking it out. And only you can answer that. If you aren't, then you have some major differences that just might not be compatible for the long-haul.

But it seems to me that the main problem isn't the money, or the fact that he seems to be inconsiderate towards you, but that you're embarrassed by your boyfriend's lack of a career. Not because you don't have respect for him as a person (because you clearly do), but because you're feeling a great deal of social pressure to have a stable career, and you feel that that pressure also applies to your partner.

If you're just embarrassed...I would rethink it, honestly. It seems to me that you genuinely adore the guy. But if you know that you're always going to be unhappy unless he conforms to your (and your friends' and family's) expectations of "success," then dump him, go to okCupid and look for more career-oriented men.

Just my two cents.
posted by duvatney at 12:15 PM on November 16, 2011 [6 favorites]


To address your questions: no, it's not stupid for you to be unsure. Maybe he (and his entitlement issues, and his stagnancy in life) can change, but there's no guarantee. Yes, it's a dealbreaker. And the last set of questions about what you should do.. well, those are toughies.

Five years is a long time. You've achieved a lot, and he hasn't, and I think you've reached a point where you're seeing just how far you've moved forward and realize that he's trudging far, far behind. I understand why you're having doubts about your relationship, and future, with him.

To be honest with you, I had a hard time reading this because I've been in your boyfriend's position, while my boyfriend has been in yours. The difference is, I got in and out of my "I don't know what the hell to do with my life/I don't want to do a, b, c/I'm above x, y, z" rut in the space of a year; I was depressed, but snapped out of it when my boyfriend told me that he wasn't sure he could stay with me if I couldn't change. I decided right then that I needed to suck it up, move on, and just do something, anything, as long as it stopped me from sitting in my pool of self-pity for weeks on end. And now we're in a much better place.

You mentioned that you've discussed all of this with him, but it's worrisome that he hasn't been moved to act on anything for the sake of your relationship. You're successful and living your dream right now, but it really seems like he's bringing you down. And I hate to say it, but if all he has to offer is unfulfilled potential, I doubt he would bring anything different to a marriage.

You want an equal, and you deserve one. Unless he commits to bettering himself for both his sake and yours, it might be best to throw in the towel.
posted by constellations at 12:21 PM on November 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


Guessing here, but my guess is that his relentless perfectionism is a smokescreen for his fear of failure and that in fact he is paralyzed by that fear. While that is sad, he still needs a catalyst. I would agree with duvatney if he WERE doing something - anything. But his unwillingness to compromise (loans, a job) is a really really bad indicator of your future together. I would, if I were you, tell him that you need a separation because you can't be part of this dynamic anymore.

In contrast to the people in thread who advise you to accept him, I would ask the question as to whether you are okay being the breadwinner throughout your relationship. Because if you stick with this, you may end up being the parent/adult while he plays the child, even when you have children yourselves.
posted by zia at 12:25 PM on November 16, 2011 [6 favorites]


wow. What, exactly, about being super smart and being super educated makes him too good to work his way up? He doesn't want to lower himself to a shitty job in order to help take care of his family (which is what you guys are getting awfully close to after these years)? What kind of partner is that going to make him in the long term? Heck, what kind of partner does that make him now?

How are you supposed to make a life together if he won't make a couple sacrifices? It's awesome to have standards, but at some point you have to set priorities above your delusion that you should get everything you want immediately.
posted by Blisterlips at 12:26 PM on November 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


On preview, constellations said better.
posted by zia at 12:26 PM on November 16, 2011


I dated this guy too. He called himself a "perfectionist" - "see, I can't do anything that's less than perfect" - with the result that he couldn't do anything at all, ever. Seven years after we broke up, he's still keeping on keeping on with what he's doing, not taking a job that's beneath him and not getting any job, really.

I know part of the difficulty is acknowledging that YOU want a different standard of life, and in fact you have worked very hard to get it, and he is not keeping up, and does that make you a horrible person to wish otherwise? Does it make you materialistic? Does it make you greedy or your expectations unreasonable or a shrew who is constantly pushing for what she can't have? And then you get comments like above where people are like, wow, lower your expectations you are being horrible and impatient and don't understand sacrifice and people who move reeeally slowly.

LISTEN. It's OK to want a partner who will strive with you, not just say "honey I love you and support your ambitions" from the couch if striving together is important to you. It's ok to want someone who wants better or more and is willing to get in the trenches with you to figure out what actions are necessary to make that happen together. It is ok to want an equal in your eyes and it doesn't make you a terrible person to realize that now, at this point, that is no longer the case.

Between two people you will always have a push and pull between people who have more or less ambition, who have different standards for success and achievement and rest and reward, but this is so out of whack that you are tearing yourself apart wondering if you can do more for him and hating yourself for wanting more. Move on.
posted by sestaaak at 12:31 PM on November 16, 2011 [5 favorites]


Sounds like he's having a failure to launch problem. He's certainly not the only one. I'm not saying that he should go to this retreat; but maybe it'll give you some insight into where he's at. What I got from the article is: these guys' family environment and structure have never required them to have life skills; things were easy and provided for them and now they can't function properly on their own. I agree with other commenters: stop financially supporting him - that's the best "help" you can give him. Stop providing job ads and apartment for rent ads. When he talks, just listen. Don't give him suggestions unless he specifically asks. Also, I think you should reevaluate what you want in a relationship and a partner and see if he is meeting those needs. Then, tell him what you need. If he isn't willing to work together on this, then there's no point in continuing this relationship.
posted by foxjacket at 12:39 PM on November 16, 2011


The trouble is in part that he thinks himself overqualified and too smart for most kinds of work

People who are overqualified and too smart for their jobs move up quickly, so there's an easy way for him to a) prove it; and b) rise to job more suitable to his intellect: He needs to take something below him, ace it, and move up. That's what all of us in comfy, professional positions (who don't have family friends to give a leg up) have to do. It's just how most of the world works -- surely a smart guy like him can see that.

Also, Blisterlips nails it. You're guy has a family to support: him and you. And he's not doing a good job of supporting either one.

Maybe he has a serious depression problem, and if so you should help him get help for it. But if not, move on -- he's not going to grow up until he has no enabler (and he'll always find an enabler).
posted by coolguymichael at 12:40 PM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


Your boyfriend seems to have been trying to meet his needs through the activities you mention (reading, socializing, etc). He also seems to have been very successful at school so far, and it seems to me from your description that if he did find a career that he found fulfilling and worthwhile, he'd be very good at it. Do you think that's true? If that's the case, I'd advise you to encourage him to explore different opportunities--volunteer work, etc., that might lead him to find a new path...

But this is going to take some time. It's going to require patience from you, and you're going to have to be prepared for him to explore for a while before you can expect for him to buckle down and commit to something. The question is whether or not you're the type that's going to be able to be happy while you're sticking it out. And only you can answer that. If you aren't, then you have some major differences that just might not be compatible for the long-haul.

But it seems to me that the main problem isn't the money, or the fact that he seems to be inconsiderate towards you, but that you're embarrassed by your boyfriend's lack of a career. Not because you don't have respect for him as a person (because you clearly do), but because you're feeling a great deal of social pressure to have a stable career, and you feel that that pressure also applies to your partner.


I call bullshit on this...the OP is not his parent. Who is going to pay for the boyfriend's rent, food, living expenses while he 'explores' what might be fulfilling. And the OP didn't emphasize her embarrassment but mentioned it as yet another issue. What you're describing is enabling behavior and keeping one's fingers crossed that he'll come around. Hell, we'd all like to live on someone else's dime while we consider vocations and passions that are incredibly fulfilling and profitable. Meanwhile, someone needs to ring up our groceries when we aren't sitting in our little cubes doing work that makes us cum in our pants because it's so satisfying.
posted by shoesietart at 12:43 PM on November 16, 2011 [4 favorites]


The OP is getting called out for her "ambition". It doesn't require "ambition" to make some attempt to get some kind of employment for five years.

I'm sorry for this guy's troubles, but being an INFP or wanting meaningful work or being a perfectionist or being cynical about the commercial, non-commercial, and charitable sectors [1], count as disabilities requiring assisted living for extended periods of time. People with actual disabilities don't receive this level of pampering; if they want to eat, they have to tough it out in a world where no concessions are made and they are expected to conform. If he can't do that, I don't see why it's on the OP to devise new ways of suggesting things, or refraining from suggesting things, or practising more patience (five years is impatience? really?), or moving him back into her apartment so he won't suffer "stress", or moving him out, or what.

Supposing he starts a new job and his boss doesn't find the exact, right way of presenting tasks to him that motivates him to actually do them? He'll probably either walk out, or underperform until he gets fired.

If the OP really wants to rehabilitate him, one thing I could suggest is that he must in the next 12 months obtain some kind of paid employment and keep it to the best of his ability for 2 years. By "best of his ability" I mean: he is laid off and/or the company folds, it's not on him; he quits or is fired for underperforming, it is on him.

I personally would not want to invest the time, but maybe the OP does because this guy might have more to recommend him than we'd think from the way she describes him here.





[1] What's left? All I can see that's left is self-employment. For reasons which should be obvious, I don't think this guy should be his own boss, especially if doing so is going to require more financial support until any putative business starts to break even.
posted by tel3path at 1:02 PM on November 16, 2011 [4 favorites]


We work incredibly well as a couple and living partners; he is kind, considerate, loyal, funny, grounds me in ways I cannot describe.

I would not discount the possibility that consciously or otherwise, he is taking that approach because it boosts the likelihood that you won't dump him.

And con-men are charming, too.
posted by ambient2 at 1:33 PM on November 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


I am going through the EXACT same thing as you, it's almost uncanny. I've yet to find a real solution to it (it's someone you love so much who can't get their shit together that you start thinking you're the crazy one). Learn this word -

complacency.

Even as upset, uncomfortable, and unhappy as he is, he is complacent with his life as it is. Smart people are complacent. You love him and therefore nag, which I hate doing as well, because it lets him know that you DO care and want him to be par with you. Obviously he doesn't seem to be taking you seriously.
Consider an ultimatum and stick with it. For example, tell him he needs to get a job beneath him or else you'll lose respect for him and that it'll be over. Give plenty of time. The economy sucks, it's HARD to get a job out there... but he needs to show you that you're worth sticking around. If it's a battle against him doing nothing and him keeping you, it'll either get him going or let you know this dude isn't worth it.
posted by hillabeans at 1:41 PM on November 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


Hear hear, tel3path. Seriously, how does he expect to find a job? Will the perfect job call him up out of the blue while he's playing games and not job hunting in the slightest and offer him a fat salary and no busywork/gruntwork? Really? Is the Blue Fairy gonna come along and wave a wand? It's not "perfectionist," it's not whatever your Myers-Briggs is, it's not knowing what you want to do with your life. It's HE DOESN'T WANT TO WORK and people are letting him get away with that. INFP's or whatever hold down jobs. Perfectionists hold down jobs. People who don't know what to do with their life take jobs they don't love. This guy doesn't wanna. He wants to be a househusband, and the OP can't marry him unless she's totally okay with that.

I've known some people who were like this guy and flat out refused to work. I have also seen people who, when they got a job, would underperform or be late a bunch of times so they'd get fired, or pull something like "oops, I have a dying parent, I need to fly to the other side of the country and be there for months" or "oops, I slipped and fell and hurt my knee and need workman's comp" (that guy did this about 3-4 times to my knowledge, always on the first week of work, he only held one job when I knew him that lasted for longer than a week), or some other kind of crap so they would get canned. I'm telling the OP this last bit just in case her dude pulls that too.

I think either she needs to accept him as he is and utterly give up on him finding a job, or dump him, or force an ultimatum on him to do SOMETHING that isn't school, even if it's fast food, and hold down the job even if it's not his ideal in life. The guy needs to grow up and pull his weight, or she needs to cut bait if he totally won't do it.
posted by jenfullmoon at 1:46 PM on November 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


Nthing that you should stop supporting him financially, and I only read about half the replies, but I cannot understand why you didn't make your thoughts and feelings known when he was about to ditch the 2nd half of law school. I would have been quite angry and sure would have mentioned what you haven't told him yet, that you think of splitting up with him. You're thinking of it because part of you wants it. That's a conversation worth having. Have you told him he's being a child or something along those lines? He can do what he wants with his life, and that's fine, but I am pretty sure you don't want him deeper in your life when he is like this. Draw the line, get it all out, and later will have more info to decide if you want to dump him. There's no point staying paired up with someone who refuses to get their shit together.
posted by Listener at 2:34 PM on November 16, 2011


From the other side of how it can look: I supported a partner for ten years while she was sorting professional things out. She eventually did, hurrah. But she never gave up, never neglected to try things. It wasn't my willpower pushing her. Only a matter of patience while she tried things.

If you "feel like you've been up against this every step of the way", if he's not even trying ... I think he's not going to change. I'd be breaking it off (or at least making a clear ultimatum I intended to follow through on). Picture another 5 years of this. Will you accept yourself if you put up with it?
posted by ead at 3:19 PM on November 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


He's very smart, graduated from a great school, but going nowhere. Ask him to seriously consider applying to Teach For America (perhaps you are not in the US - 2 years for law school indicates otherwise) or the Peace Corps. These things are beneath no one, and could be great life AND career builders.
posted by 3FLryan at 3:43 PM on November 16, 2011 [1 favorite]


This is a tough one.

I was in a similar-ish dynamic in my very long term relationship, where after several years together (we were in our late 20s and had been together since college) I felt like he was the one always having all the fun, and I was the one starting to worry about growing up, paying the bills, figuring out our lives.

Basically what changed is: he really started listening to what my needs were. I needed someone that was fun, creative, loving and funny as all hell (the person I'd met in college) but ALSO someone that was responsible, willing to have a steady job, and willing to start taking on adulthood with me (the person I wanted to marry/spend my womanhood with).

He has to meet you in the middle here. Otherwise, you're going to just carry that load more and more, and it's NOT fair. He has to meet some of your needs, unless you're just willing to let it go and be the "grown up" all the times, which I think fucking sucks.

In my case, we worked it out. I mean we're still working it out, but I don't worry about him that much anymore. I'm still prone to worrying about stuff in general but I don't worry about him or that he'll support me and my needs, if need be (and I'm not just talking about money, but about the deeper stuff, too.) I trust that he'll take on some of the load with me.

Bottom line-- He's got to be willing to take some of that on, somehow. Otherwise, move on...
posted by Rocket26 at 4:08 PM on November 16, 2011 [3 favorites]


Been there, done that, with somebody who is 30 years older than your BF. I thought that once he moved in, in a larger town than where he was (living with his parents, by the way), that he would get off his ass and get his life back on track. That was 18 months ago. He hasn't done diddley poop in that time, and I've been supporting him. He has all sorts of excuses for why he can't apply for any work in his field. He seems to think himself very overqualified for any jobs outside that field, and shoots down any suggestions I have. So I told him that I was done, sick of the stress, of feeling emotionally drained, and he's now packing up for the drive back to his parents' house in Florida. I should have seen the red flags early on, but I was too optimistic.

I offer this story, because unless your boyfriend experiences a "oh shit" moment, he will not change. My wholehearted recommendation is to DTMFA straight out. If you can't do that, offer him an ultimatum. One month and if he's not looking for work every day, then you're gone.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 5:17 PM on November 16, 2011 [2 favorites]


You've got a lot of great advice upthread, and I urge you to take it seriously. I dated this guy not once, not twice, but three times.

My high school boyfriend was so smart. So, so smart. Of course, no one but me could see it, because he was too smart for the silly little school we were in. He was also too smart for all the jobs available to high school students in our town. Because he was this smart, he preferred to wait until he could move himself to a bigger city where no doubt his talents would be more appropriately appreciated. That guy is still in the small town, working in a factory to pay child support for his two children with two different women. I have no doubt he is still too smart for all of it.

My college boyfriend was so talented. Truly, he was the best artist I'd ever known. I hadn't known many artists, but you know, I could tell he had talent. And passion. And I supported him emotionally and sometimes financially so that he didn't have to deal with work and then school interfering with the time he had to draw. He deserved to have a job that appreciated his talent, not something that required him to just show up and man a front desk or wait some tables to get paid. And you know, it's important to play video games to blow off steam from being all creative and stuff. After five years, he was resentful of the fact that I managed to finish school and move to where I'd always wanted to live, so he dumped me. He still lives in my college town and he has now waited tables at every restaurant and worked the front desk of every hotel in town. He has still not finished one degree. I am sure that he still plays video games...I mean, draws...all day long.

My early twenties boyfriend had such promise. He managed to land all these neat theater jobs working with all these brilliant actors and on these amazing shows. And then he'd get fired or he'd quit, because things weren't "perfect" but the next job would be. He just knew it. When he was offered a staff position at a theater, doing a job he claimed he always wanted, he accused me of having dollar signs in my eyes, and three months after starting the job, he broke up with me because I'd forced him into this position in which he was miserable but which he couldn't quit. I have no idea what he's up to now, but I would be willing to bet that the perfect job has not yet found him.

My point is that there is a personality or type of person who pulls this shit, and it's not to drive you crazy - I can only imagine that their lives are truly frustrating and annoying and that they don't understand how I can get up and go to work every day at a job that I usually love but sometimes hate and sometimes am bored by. I'm sure my decision to take something less than perfect, or for less than the perfect salary, or with less than the desired vacation time, or in a less than perfect location, didn't make any sense to them whatsoever.

But one thing that I didn't realize was that they are happy like this. Which means they would not - and ultimately did not - change. Your boyfriend is probably not going to suddenly wake up and be willing to accept a less than perfect job. He probably won't become the responsible, goal-oriented, achievement-seeker you want. And you'll probably continue to sink into the "mom" role, because for god's sake you want someone who will just take a job, ANY job, just to get out of the damn house, and as long as he won't do that, you'll be frustrated.

One thing I never tried to do was draw a line in the sand and say, this is it. Either you get a job and get your life together, or I am gone. Instead, I hung on and continued to try to fix them until the resentment got too big and they eventually dumped me for nagging on them too much. If I could tell my former self anything, it's that I deserve to have someone who wants something out of life and goes for it with as much gusto as I do - and you deserve that too.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 5:29 PM on November 16, 2011 [12 favorites]


You wrote about this so clearly. I agree with others; stop enabling him. Stop helping, suggesting, paying, advising, urging -- just pull way, way back. If there is a hope of salvaging your respect for him, and the love you have between you, you must pull back now and he must set out to seek his fortune in earnest. If you don't respect him, your love will not be enough.

If he does not begin to do what is a worthwhile in his own eyes, he will never respect himself and if you try to prop him up or excuse him, you will begin to stop loving him. He will resent your propping him up and believe you are nagging and criticizing him and this will end in bitterness. This is why you need to yank the props out and tell him to prove himself and then you'll see.

I believe that until a person is about sixteen or eighteen, they can pretty much blame their circumstances for many of the mistakes they make but after that, it's all up to their own character. They build the person they make of themselves. He's fast turning into one of the boy-men who 'had so much potential.'

There is nothing wrong with having a partnership with a stay-at-home SO, as long as there is mutual contribution to the relationship and meaningful occupation--not even necessarily paid work--and both are genuinely mature and growing individuals. It takes a lot of maturity, love and mutual respect to do this and it is a very different thing than the situation you now have.

You sound like a wonderful girlfriend and partner. Maybe he'll surprise you and get his act together, but don't track him and don't count on it. You don't have to be cruel but you need to be firm. You can both do better than this and I think you have to be the one to insist on it.
posted by Anitanola at 7:18 PM on November 16, 2011 [5 favorites]


I'm back just because I was a dissenting voice, earlier. I've been following this thread and I want to clarify and to modify what I said, a bit, because I know it's easy to latch on to comments in threads like this that say "take the easier path," which mine kind of did.

I think you should give him time, but I also agree wholeheartedly with folks who, like Anitanola, say that you should stop propping him up and nagging him. Pull back, but don't break up. See if he figures it out. Perhaps, as someone else suggested, give him a time limit, whether it's in your head or something you tell him.

Because, while I really do feel that it takes a lot of us a long time to figure our crap out, there is also a very real risk of ruining your relationship by taking up these roles--him as the fuck-up, you as the mommy--and then not being able to step back out of them. To be painfully honest with you, I spent about a year and a half while in my current relationship essentially screwing around like he did, though I have a lot more humility, it was a planned work absence, and I had goals. It's just that I was failing to really reach those goals, or do sufficient work towards them, for most of that time. It hurt my relationship, and it took a while to heal, and I rather hope that at some point even the scar that's still there will be so faint that it's invisible. It messed up our balance, by which I mean the balance of, like, power in a relationship. It's taken us some time to find a balance again. This is what happens when someone in a relationship doesn't pull their weight. One person ends up taking charge and getting bossy and having to set limits and give ultimatums, and it's hard to recover from one person being forced to take the power (this is a crude way of saying what I mean, sorry) in the relationship, if you're going to stay together.

This is why I say pull back. It's not that you have to punish him or that he has to learn to stand on his own and it's the best thing for him. It's not even that it's the best thing for you, though it probably is. It's that pulling back is the best thing for your relationship, and probably the only way you two are going to last. When he's messing up like this, and probably depressed, you need really strong boundaries, particularly if it's for so long.

I wish you luck, whatever you choose to do.
posted by hought20 at 7:06 AM on November 17, 2011 [3 favorites]


Lots of excellent advice in this thread.

This is kind of a last-ditch effort, but if you're feeling up to it, you might want to have your boyfriend actually read the comments here (I say this because you mentioned there is little in your post that you haven't already discussed with him, and it may help him to see what others think about his behavior). You can't change who he is, but
something here just might motivate him to question his values and goals, wake up and get his act together.

Your boyfriend may also benefit from reading the comments in this thread. The OP describes similar predilections to your BF's: "there are times where all I want to do is hole up, eat, play video games, and pass the time" and cynicism towards work that doesn't meet his criteria: "I want to trade futures but I don't want to sit at a computer all day." The advice other posters gave to the OP in that thread may also give him that kick in the ass he needs to get shit done.

Like I said, it's a last-ditch effort. He's got to want to change for any of these suggestions to take hold. If he still doesn't demonstrate an inclination to do something with his life after reading these comments, then quite frankly, you've done everything you possibly could have, and you know the answer to your question.
posted by matticulate at 12:08 PM on November 17, 2011


Get him a copy of Mindset.
posted by evariste at 5:36 PM on November 18, 2011


This guy seems like a decent person, but he's a leech. Needing time to figure things out is one thing but it doesn't sound like he's trying to figure things out. You find out what kind of job you want by trial and error and it sounds like he hasn't tried. You, on the other hand, sound ambitious, upwardly mobile, and hard-working. It's natural that you would want to hang out with other people who are also ambitious, upwardly mobile, and hard-working.

I dated a leech several years ago. He was also really smart and ambitious when we started seeing each other but he stopped being ambitious. When we split, he said he was looking forward to going out with other girls because he would get free coffee. I had to explain to him that most of the time, at least when you just started seeing someone, you are expected to split the check or even pay for the girl you are seeing. I had been paying for things for so long that he thought that was the norm.
posted by kat518 at 11:43 AM on November 19, 2011 [2 favorites]


The trouble with bright kids
posted by evariste at 3:22 PM on November 25, 2011


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