#NotThankful for your seemingly endless bliss and my resulting jealousy. Or your dumb twitter #hashtag.
November 14, 2011 4:29 PM Subscribe
When you're in a long term relationship or marriage, how do you deal with feelings of jealousy of other couples seemingly endless "honeymoon phase"?
Been with my boyfriend for 3+ years, living together for over a year. I love him very much and he loves me very much back . He is a great partner for me that is loving, supportive, funny, and keeps me on my toes. He both challenges me and is my partner in crime. We share similar thoughts on life and how we want to live it, and hope in coming years to get married. I'm 30.
Recently on twitter someone I follow tweeted the following about her marriage: "#thankful for our "honeymoon phase" that doesn't seem to be ending anytime um.. ever."
Enter the green-eyed monster.
I found myself immediately begrudging this poor girl her happiness. Hoping that there were secret things wrong with their relationship, or that she'd freak out one day when her honeymoon period DID end and it would be their demise. My mind was saying things like "I bet she's going to get a rude awakening when she comes down from cloud nine to discover her husband... [enter any general long term relationship complaint here]." I was really hoping that their current bliss was somehow a signal of impending doom. Which is awful. To make matters worse, she is not a random twitter stranger, but a casual acquaintance who I actually like very much. She is 23 and has been married less than a year, but based on her Facebook page seems to have been with her now husband for at least a couple years, so its not like they've had some crazy whirlwind romance. They easily could have been together as long (or longer) than my bf and I.
My man and I, while we definitely enjoyed a honeymoon phase in our first year or so, never had a really crazy strong infatuation. It was more just a slow growing love. We were definitely more mushy and honeymoon-ish in our first year, and now we're just very comfortable 3+years in. I would say the "honeymoon" phase per se is over. I get jealous though, of that idea of being head over heels and crazy infatuated and head over heels for your partner at several years in... of her never-ending honeymoon phase.
So, those of you who are in committed long term relationships... how do you deal with these feelings of jealousy, or of wishing you had more of what someone else has in your relationship.
I am not looking for advice to breakup with the bf just to chase that feeling, because I know we have a great meaningful relationship that overall makes me quite happy. This is not my first long term relationship either, so I do know that those infatuation/honeymoon feelings come and go and do not inherently = love.
I just want to know how you cope when that mega-uber-happy-couple jealousy rears its head. How you keep it from making you insecure about your relationship? And how do you keep from wishing ill-will toward the happy couple? How do you keep the feelings of "oh god, what if they're just magically happier & more in love than we'll ever be?" in check?
Been with my boyfriend for 3+ years, living together for over a year. I love him very much and he loves me very much back . He is a great partner for me that is loving, supportive, funny, and keeps me on my toes. He both challenges me and is my partner in crime. We share similar thoughts on life and how we want to live it, and hope in coming years to get married. I'm 30.
Recently on twitter someone I follow tweeted the following about her marriage: "#thankful for our "honeymoon phase" that doesn't seem to be ending anytime um.. ever."
Enter the green-eyed monster.
I found myself immediately begrudging this poor girl her happiness. Hoping that there were secret things wrong with their relationship, or that she'd freak out one day when her honeymoon period DID end and it would be their demise. My mind was saying things like "I bet she's going to get a rude awakening when she comes down from cloud nine to discover her husband... [enter any general long term relationship complaint here]." I was really hoping that their current bliss was somehow a signal of impending doom. Which is awful. To make matters worse, she is not a random twitter stranger, but a casual acquaintance who I actually like very much. She is 23 and has been married less than a year, but based on her Facebook page seems to have been with her now husband for at least a couple years, so its not like they've had some crazy whirlwind romance. They easily could have been together as long (or longer) than my bf and I.
My man and I, while we definitely enjoyed a honeymoon phase in our first year or so, never had a really crazy strong infatuation. It was more just a slow growing love. We were definitely more mushy and honeymoon-ish in our first year, and now we're just very comfortable 3+years in. I would say the "honeymoon" phase per se is over. I get jealous though, of that idea of being head over heels and crazy infatuated and head over heels for your partner at several years in... of her never-ending honeymoon phase.
So, those of you who are in committed long term relationships... how do you deal with these feelings of jealousy, or of wishing you had more of what someone else has in your relationship.
I am not looking for advice to breakup with the bf just to chase that feeling, because I know we have a great meaningful relationship that overall makes me quite happy. This is not my first long term relationship either, so I do know that those infatuation/honeymoon feelings come and go and do not inherently = love.
I just want to know how you cope when that mega-uber-happy-couple jealousy rears its head. How you keep it from making you insecure about your relationship? And how do you keep from wishing ill-will toward the happy couple? How do you keep the feelings of "oh god, what if they're just magically happier & more in love than we'll ever be?" in check?
Consider the content of the tweet. She is communicating how she wants her relationship to be perceived by total strangers on the internet, not simply relating her reaction to her husband doing something wonderful for her at one particular moment in time. Think about that for a minute.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 4:42 PM on November 14, 2011 [8 favorites]
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 4:42 PM on November 14, 2011 [8 favorites]
If it turns out that they aren't really as happy as they seem and their relationship ends in bitter divorce tomorrow, it doesn't mean you win. And if they really do hang on to that crazy infatuated phase for the rest of their lives, it doesn't mean you lose. The only way you win is to make your own relationship work for you and for your husband. In marriage, as in life, there is always someone else who is better off and there is always someone else who is worse off. The thing is, you can't always tell from the outside which is which, and it doesn't matter anyway as long as you're doing okay in your own.
posted by Dojie at 4:42 PM on November 14, 2011 [43 favorites]
posted by Dojie at 4:42 PM on November 14, 2011 [43 favorites]
I just assume they have bodies in their freezer.
It's very possible that "perfect" couple wishes they were more like you. Grass is always greener and all that. Don't judge yourself by others.
posted by bondcliff at 4:43 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
It's very possible that "perfect" couple wishes they were more like you. Grass is always greener and all that. Don't judge yourself by others.
posted by bondcliff at 4:43 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
So what if they *are* magically happier and more in love than you'll ever be? I mean really so what! There are people who are prettier than you, and smarter than you, and richer than you. There are also people who are happier than you and more in love than you. Oh well!
posted by mskyle at 4:44 PM on November 14, 2011 [12 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 4:44 PM on November 14, 2011 [12 favorites]
People who post that crap on twitter or facebook are just performing their relationship for others. Sort-of like how when you're in a giant fight with your S.O. you go to their black-tie gala charity event for work and smile your face off and act like you're the perfect couple and not at ALL in a fight. Every now and then, a long-term relationship requires a performance like that even when inside you're gnawing your liver out with anger.
Except these people do it every day, online, for all their friends, instead of now and then.
I assume most couples who do this as a routine thing (instead of a now-and-then "oh, it's our anniversary! my husband is the best!" or "guess who sent me flowers on my crappy day? I love my wife!") are insecure and that's why they keep having to "prove" their relationship awesomeness in a public forum.
There are two people in my facebook feed who I give a pass about this -- one is the most relentlessly upbeat, super-chipper person on the planet who, if piranhas were nibbling off her toes, would be exclaiming how adorable the piranhas were even as the paralyzing toxins set in. Even her husband finds her cheerfulness a little overwhelming and she is like required by her nature to post daily about how much she loves him. He posts back like one in three. Their marriage has as many bumps as anybody else's, she's just incapable of seeing a storm cloud when there's a silver lining. The other is now one year sober and posts frequently about how blessed she is and how wonderful her life is and how great her husband and kids are, and the thing is, she is specifically posting these things because she needs to remind herself she has something great to stay sober for. Moreover, she needs the rest of us to agree with her and shore her up that she's staying sober for a good reason.
Anyway, because of that last one, I try to crank down my annoyance about people being all performative about their relationships, because it's possible that, like my last friend, they have a VERY GOOD REASON for needing that public reassurance. (Although it's more likely they're just insecure.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:45 PM on November 14, 2011 [24 favorites]
Except these people do it every day, online, for all their friends, instead of now and then.
I assume most couples who do this as a routine thing (instead of a now-and-then "oh, it's our anniversary! my husband is the best!" or "guess who sent me flowers on my crappy day? I love my wife!") are insecure and that's why they keep having to "prove" their relationship awesomeness in a public forum.
There are two people in my facebook feed who I give a pass about this -- one is the most relentlessly upbeat, super-chipper person on the planet who, if piranhas were nibbling off her toes, would be exclaiming how adorable the piranhas were even as the paralyzing toxins set in. Even her husband finds her cheerfulness a little overwhelming and she is like required by her nature to post daily about how much she loves him. He posts back like one in three. Their marriage has as many bumps as anybody else's, she's just incapable of seeing a storm cloud when there's a silver lining. The other is now one year sober and posts frequently about how blessed she is and how wonderful her life is and how great her husband and kids are, and the thing is, she is specifically posting these things because she needs to remind herself she has something great to stay sober for. Moreover, she needs the rest of us to agree with her and shore her up that she's staying sober for a good reason.
Anyway, because of that last one, I try to crank down my annoyance about people being all performative about their relationships, because it's possible that, like my last friend, they have a VERY GOOD REASON for needing that public reassurance. (Although it's more likely they're just insecure.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 4:45 PM on November 14, 2011 [24 favorites]
Seconding puritycontrol. It's like when you're a kid, and you have a dysfunctional family, and it seems like everyone else comes from a fun, happy, really cool family. It seems totally unfair. Then you get older and get to know more about the upbringings of your friends, and you realize that most everyone's family, at the very least, had "issues." We're all just taught to kind of maintain face and not show all our cards so publicly.
posted by raztaj at 4:46 PM on November 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by raztaj at 4:46 PM on November 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
I feel honeymooney about my DH (been together four years), but it's a new kind every year. You don't have to be all over each other every second to fall deeper in love. Great relationships grow and deepen and change.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:48 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:48 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
People are more likely to pipe up when they're feeling happy than when they're feeling sad.
I had a couple like this I followed on FB, and I felt all kinds of jealousy. Last week they split up and one of them wrote and asked me if I knew anyone who was looking for a roommate, etc. So you really never know what's really happening there.
posted by hermitosis at 4:48 PM on November 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
I had a couple like this I followed on FB, and I felt all kinds of jealousy. Last week they split up and one of them wrote and asked me if I knew anyone who was looking for a roommate, etc. So you really never know what's really happening there.
posted by hermitosis at 4:48 PM on November 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
9 years in with my husband, we're in a definite honeymoon phase. More than we were 7 years in. But not more than we were 1 year in--that shit was crazy.
(And yes, I have on occasion tweeted about it.)
Which is to say that these things ebb and flow and change, and whether you're twitterpated now or were before isn't a particularly permanent state. I think there's something fundamentally ugly--and just as founded in insecurity as the initial jealous feelings--with all those suggestions to see the tweeter as doing something false and performative. Instead, jealousy is an opportunity to look inward and figure out what in your own life is lacking to make you feel this way.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:49 PM on November 14, 2011 [10 favorites]
(And yes, I have on occasion tweeted about it.)
Which is to say that these things ebb and flow and change, and whether you're twitterpated now or were before isn't a particularly permanent state. I think there's something fundamentally ugly--and just as founded in insecurity as the initial jealous feelings--with all those suggestions to see the tweeter as doing something false and performative. Instead, jealousy is an opportunity to look inward and figure out what in your own life is lacking to make you feel this way.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:49 PM on November 14, 2011 [10 favorites]
Two things to remember to keep you sane:
1) "Relationship happiness" isn't a finite resource that she is hogging. Even if she was miserable, that doesn't mean there was more love for you to have.
2) A large number of people think someone who would put something like that on the Internet, no how crazy in love, is kind of a pathetic attention-seeking freak, so, at least you're not that, right?
But seriously, give yourself some time to think, why the f does this matter to you? Because though jealousy is understandable, it's still really weird. It doesn't necessarily mean anything negative about your relationship that you are having these feelings but I'm pretty sure your relationship will end up better if you figure out the why.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:49 PM on November 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
1) "Relationship happiness" isn't a finite resource that she is hogging. Even if she was miserable, that doesn't mean there was more love for you to have.
2) A large number of people think someone who would put something like that on the Internet, no how crazy in love, is kind of a pathetic attention-seeking freak, so, at least you're not that, right?
But seriously, give yourself some time to think, why the f does this matter to you? Because though jealousy is understandable, it's still really weird. It doesn't necessarily mean anything negative about your relationship that you are having these feelings but I'm pretty sure your relationship will end up better if you figure out the why.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 4:49 PM on November 14, 2011 [6 favorites]
a lot of times when people tweet or post on facebook all the time about how perfect their lives/relationships are, it turns out they're trying both to convince themselves as much as others. other times, you get the one off bc in that moment they do find themselves deliriously happy.
…but so what? other people's happiness/satisfaction with their relationship shouldn't affect your own. like, if they were posting about how miserable their relationship was, would you feel somehow smug about yours? it's a really pointless thing to be concerned about bc it has no bearing whatsoever on your own relationship.
posted by violetk at 4:52 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
…but so what? other people's happiness/satisfaction with their relationship shouldn't affect your own. like, if they were posting about how miserable their relationship was, would you feel somehow smug about yours? it's a really pointless thing to be concerned about bc it has no bearing whatsoever on your own relationship.
posted by violetk at 4:52 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Ah, Green-Eyed Monster, my old enemy, we meet again.
I have spent, let's see, thirty-three years battling envy. I was a horsy girl in a non-horsy family; I thought the pain of seeing other girls be given horses would END ME. I came >thisclose< to going to the university of my dreams; my ex-boyfriend was accepted there. Every time someone younger than me gets a book contract or a literary award a tiny knife slices through my delicate heart tissues.
So please believe me when I say: fuck that shit. Don't compare your insides with other peoples' outsides. When you catch yourself doing it, stop. Or at least place metaphorical parentheses around the thought. Say to yourself: "I am comparing my insides with other peoples' outsides and I really should cut that out, because it is one of the best ways to MAKE MYSELF VERY FUCKING UNHAPPY."
Please believe me when I tell you this!
Because, because, because: here is what you learn when you get as old as dirt. Your friend who got given the pony? She's going to die at 14 of neuroglioblastoma. That ex-boyfriend with the fancy degree? Still unable to find happiness. People whose marriages you envied? Infertility, miscarriages, divorce. People you adored? Acute leukaemia, failed bone marrow transplants.
Life hurts. People suffer. Life is dangerous and cruel and no one escapes the knife: not the people you envy, and not, alas, the people you love.
One of the great ways of dealing with depression and anxiety and fear is to practice daily gratitude, to count your blessings, to live in the moment and think: at least for now, we are together, we love one another. It may well be that your tweep is simply practising gratitude. It may be that her life is pretty much perfect right now, but that she had a Coach Sandusky when she was a kid. It may be that her childhood was perfect and her life now is perfect, but she is sure as hell gonna die one day. We all are.
The Green-Eyed Monster is a liar and a thief, and life is fleeting, and death is coming at us like a freight train, and whatever we do we cannot get off the tracks. All you can do is love the people you love and count your blessings. They'll all be gone soon enough.
I wish you peace.
posted by rdc at 4:54 PM on November 14, 2011 [134 favorites]
I have spent, let's see, thirty-three years battling envy. I was a horsy girl in a non-horsy family; I thought the pain of seeing other girls be given horses would END ME. I came >thisclose< to going to the university of my dreams; my ex-boyfriend was accepted there. Every time someone younger than me gets a book contract or a literary award a tiny knife slices through my delicate heart tissues.
So please believe me when I say: fuck that shit. Don't compare your insides with other peoples' outsides. When you catch yourself doing it, stop. Or at least place metaphorical parentheses around the thought. Say to yourself: "I am comparing my insides with other peoples' outsides and I really should cut that out, because it is one of the best ways to MAKE MYSELF VERY FUCKING UNHAPPY."
Please believe me when I tell you this!
Because, because, because: here is what you learn when you get as old as dirt. Your friend who got given the pony? She's going to die at 14 of neuroglioblastoma. That ex-boyfriend with the fancy degree? Still unable to find happiness. People whose marriages you envied? Infertility, miscarriages, divorce. People you adored? Acute leukaemia, failed bone marrow transplants.
Life hurts. People suffer. Life is dangerous and cruel and no one escapes the knife: not the people you envy, and not, alas, the people you love.
One of the great ways of dealing with depression and anxiety and fear is to practice daily gratitude, to count your blessings, to live in the moment and think: at least for now, we are together, we love one another. It may well be that your tweep is simply practising gratitude. It may be that her life is pretty much perfect right now, but that she had a Coach Sandusky when she was a kid. It may be that her childhood was perfect and her life now is perfect, but she is sure as hell gonna die one day. We all are.
The Green-Eyed Monster is a liar and a thief, and life is fleeting, and death is coming at us like a freight train, and whatever we do we cannot get off the tracks. All you can do is love the people you love and count your blessings. They'll all be gone soon enough.
I wish you peace.
posted by rdc at 4:54 PM on November 14, 2011 [134 favorites]
There is research that indicates that browsing Facebook (and I'm including Twitter by social media extension) can result in one overestimating the happiness of their friends. And that can really bum a person out! Reminding myself of that helps to keep the jealousy at bay.
posted by JohnFredra at 4:56 PM on November 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by JohnFredra at 4:56 PM on November 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Is there something you would like more of in your relationship that you are feeling the lack in comparison to your friend? Perhaps it's a hint to do some thinking, read some books and shine up what you've got. There's awesome stuff out there that you don't have to be "unhappy" in your relationship to dig in and discover. Could do a lot of good in the long term.
posted by griselda at 4:58 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by griselda at 4:58 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
A lot of this stuff is chemical, and some people just seem to snap into MARRIAGE HUMAN mode. Maybe they're idiots, all "big smile, short memory," maybe they're just simple people. That happens, too.
As for blessed gratefulness stuff, I'm glad Facebook doesn't tell people when I have them blocked from my stream. The more some people think more people are seeing their words, the better.
posted by rhizome at 5:08 PM on November 14, 2011
As for blessed gratefulness stuff, I'm glad Facebook doesn't tell people when I have them blocked from my stream. The more some people think more people are seeing their words, the better.
posted by rhizome at 5:08 PM on November 14, 2011
My ex and I were super, over-the-top, lovey dovey. Think little "love you" posts all the time on the FB. I wish I had a throwaway email for you... but basically he turned into a crazy asshole and I haven't been in a relationship since then (like 3 years ago) because I just can't trust men any more.
I frequently am raving jealous of people who seem crazy happy.
Then I remember what happened to me, and my jealousy turns to a) hope that they get to enjoy that happiness for a long time and b) a bit more faith in the possibility of finding a good relationship in the future.
So you know what I say to you? I am SUPER JEALOUS of your stable, loving, and supporting S.O. and wish you guys the best for a long time to come :)
posted by DoubleLune at 5:17 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
I frequently am raving jealous of people who seem crazy happy.
Then I remember what happened to me, and my jealousy turns to a) hope that they get to enjoy that happiness for a long time and b) a bit more faith in the possibility of finding a good relationship in the future.
So you know what I say to you? I am SUPER JEALOUS of your stable, loving, and supporting S.O. and wish you guys the best for a long time to come :)
posted by DoubleLune at 5:17 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Whenever I find myself feeling all envious of someone else's amazing relationship, I remember that just because my relationship is different than theirs does not mean it is worse. There are many wonderful things about my relationship, and I can take those and spin just as grand of a story about "us" as any of the perpetual honeymooners.
We know one couple who have occasionally mentioned that they are so spookily close that they finish each other's sentences. For a moment I feel our relationship less special than that, because my husband and I do NOT do that. In fact, if my husband doesn't spit it out fast enough, I like to finish his sentences wrong deliberately, for my own amusement.
Him: I was just thinking, about, uh...
Me: Zebras?
Him: *sigh* Nooo, not zebras, I was thinking about...
Me: Getting a nipple ring? Cleaning the toilet? Having sex with the cat?
And I realize that we are special, in our own quirky oddball kind of way. We make each other laugh like crazy, we genuinely love each other's company, we communicate extraordinarily well, we rarely fight. We don't do hearts and flowers very much, we're not all over each other like horny teenagers, we don't have ESP, but what we do have is a damn good thing.
Look at all the positives in your relationship and tell yourself that story. I can pretty much guarantee that is what all the honeymooners are doing.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:32 PM on November 14, 2011 [28 favorites]
We know one couple who have occasionally mentioned that they are so spookily close that they finish each other's sentences. For a moment I feel our relationship less special than that, because my husband and I do NOT do that. In fact, if my husband doesn't spit it out fast enough, I like to finish his sentences wrong deliberately, for my own amusement.
Him: I was just thinking, about, uh...
Me: Zebras?
Him: *sigh* Nooo, not zebras, I was thinking about...
Me: Getting a nipple ring? Cleaning the toilet? Having sex with the cat?
And I realize that we are special, in our own quirky oddball kind of way. We make each other laugh like crazy, we genuinely love each other's company, we communicate extraordinarily well, we rarely fight. We don't do hearts and flowers very much, we're not all over each other like horny teenagers, we don't have ESP, but what we do have is a damn good thing.
Look at all the positives in your relationship and tell yourself that story. I can pretty much guarantee that is what all the honeymooners are doing.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 5:32 PM on November 14, 2011 [28 favorites]
This, this, this (from MCMikeNamara):
"Relationship happiness" isn't a finite resource that she is hogging. Even if she was miserable, that doesn't mean there was more love for you to have.
Even if she's only doing it because it's a Christian Culture thing, or she just chooses not to dwell on the harder sides of relationships, or maybe she's got cotton candy up her ass, it's okay. It sounds like a brag and you react like it's a brag and that's normal, but it's not hurting anybody and it wouldn't hurt you to decide that you are happy when other people are happy because that's honestly way better for you than being happy when other people are miserable.
Maybe every time she does it, you (discretely, to yourself, like god intended) stop and think of one thing about your partner/relationship that is awesome. After a while it'll become a habit.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:34 PM on November 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
"Relationship happiness" isn't a finite resource that she is hogging. Even if she was miserable, that doesn't mean there was more love for you to have.
Even if she's only doing it because it's a Christian Culture thing, or she just chooses not to dwell on the harder sides of relationships, or maybe she's got cotton candy up her ass, it's okay. It sounds like a brag and you react like it's a brag and that's normal, but it's not hurting anybody and it wouldn't hurt you to decide that you are happy when other people are happy because that's honestly way better for you than being happy when other people are miserable.
Maybe every time she does it, you (discretely, to yourself, like god intended) stop and think of one thing about your partner/relationship that is awesome. After a while it'll become a habit.
posted by Lyn Never at 5:34 PM on November 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
Don't try to measure your relationships using someone else's yardstick. It doesn't work.
posted by luckynerd at 5:42 PM on November 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by luckynerd at 5:42 PM on November 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
The best piece of advice I got once was: No one knows what really happens in a marriage, except those directly involved and quite frankly, they are LIARS. I prefer the phrase, "..they are unreliable witnesses.", but the original speaker, Bill, had no time for niceties after his 3rd marriage and his buddies that survived D-Day were kind of dying off.
posted by jadepearl at 5:54 PM on November 14, 2011
posted by jadepearl at 5:54 PM on November 14, 2011
I was at a good friend's apartment a couple of times this weekend. Really, two friends, who have been married for about a year and a half and have basically only been with on another, and that for, I dunno, seven years now?
Every time I see them, which is usually two or three times a week, I get frustatingly jealous. They are perfect together, found one another young, and I'm a single guy who has led a life of serial monogamy which isn't bringing anything much to my plate right now.
But on Friday, they had a new thing up on their wall. They are both gamer geeks, and they had a chart up of positive romantic interactions vs negative interactions. The positive column had way more check-marks than the negative column, but the point was that even this perfect couple was taking care to make sure that they were spending more time cuddling and watching tv than they spent arguing.
The point being - even the most "perfect" couples have their moments, and the Honeymoon phase doesn't last forever for anyone. The trick, it seems, is to focus much more on building the positive moments than the negative ones, and to linger on those.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:08 PM on November 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
Every time I see them, which is usually two or three times a week, I get frustatingly jealous. They are perfect together, found one another young, and I'm a single guy who has led a life of serial monogamy which isn't bringing anything much to my plate right now.
But on Friday, they had a new thing up on their wall. They are both gamer geeks, and they had a chart up of positive romantic interactions vs negative interactions. The positive column had way more check-marks than the negative column, but the point was that even this perfect couple was taking care to make sure that they were spending more time cuddling and watching tv than they spent arguing.
The point being - even the most "perfect" couples have their moments, and the Honeymoon phase doesn't last forever for anyone. The trick, it seems, is to focus much more on building the positive moments than the negative ones, and to linger on those.
posted by Navelgazer at 6:08 PM on November 14, 2011 [1 favorite]
First of all, as a general rule I ignore protestations of joy from anyone under 25, because they're significantly younger than me and quite probably don't have a good joyfulness scale calibrated yet. It happens that these are usually the ones that annoyed me (for about a year I was mad at all the kids broadcasting SAT scores in the 2000s even though I was too old to have taken the SAT when was possible to score above 1600,) so that was convenient.
Then I ignore everyone over about 45, because they probably lived through all kinds of stuff I haven't the faintest clue about, and are likely grabbing onto whatever remaining happiness is available to them. I mean, they remember when Lennon was shot and disco and bell bottoms were all the rage. Let them be happy, even if it's false - they've earned it.
This leaves everyone else around my age. These people are trickier because it's hard to exclude large categories of them as being so unlike me as to make comparison irrelevant. For these people I bring out the "no finite store of happiness" and "who knows what's going on" and "this changes nothing about my life" stuff. I also sometimes try to figure out what they've done differently (or what impossible-to-gain-now advantages they had) that led here, so I can decide if action on my part is warranted. Maybe your Twitter pal and her husband do a date night thing that would vastly increase your happiness - who knows.
At that point the only thing left to do is recite "I'm really glad you're so happy" to myself over and over again so many times that it becomes true.
posted by SMPA at 6:13 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Then I ignore everyone over about 45, because they probably lived through all kinds of stuff I haven't the faintest clue about, and are likely grabbing onto whatever remaining happiness is available to them. I mean, they remember when Lennon was shot and disco and bell bottoms were all the rage. Let them be happy, even if it's false - they've earned it.
This leaves everyone else around my age. These people are trickier because it's hard to exclude large categories of them as being so unlike me as to make comparison irrelevant. For these people I bring out the "no finite store of happiness" and "who knows what's going on" and "this changes nothing about my life" stuff. I also sometimes try to figure out what they've done differently (or what impossible-to-gain-now advantages they had) that led here, so I can decide if action on my part is warranted. Maybe your Twitter pal and her husband do a date night thing that would vastly increase your happiness - who knows.
At that point the only thing left to do is recite "I'm really glad you're so happy" to myself over and over again so many times that it becomes true.
posted by SMPA at 6:13 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
As said upthread, it really could just be gratitude. I love my boyfriend tons, I'm grateful every single day for him and how happy he makes me. If I were a more performative person I could tweet and FB about it all day.
I'm grateful for him, who is amazing for all kinds of reasons and loves and accepts me for everything I am, and even more so because I had a miserable childhood and my ex was a godawful sack. You never know what has gone on, or is going on, in other people's lives.
Don't take joy in other people's pain and sadness and wish them ill. There is already too much of it in the world. Be glad for others, and try to count your blessings.
posted by everydayanewday at 6:22 PM on November 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
I'm grateful for him, who is amazing for all kinds of reasons and loves and accepts me for everything I am, and even more so because I had a miserable childhood and my ex was a godawful sack. You never know what has gone on, or is going on, in other people's lives.
Don't take joy in other people's pain and sadness and wish them ill. There is already too much of it in the world. Be glad for others, and try to count your blessings.
posted by everydayanewday at 6:22 PM on November 14, 2011 [4 favorites]
There are happy happy joy joy people in the world and then there are those of us that are darker. To me, honeymoons and pure happiness seem like useless pursuits. I love being with someone who knows when to celebrate, knows when to go off on their own for boys night, knows when I need my space, knows when to bring me presents...someone who knows me as a completely imperfect person.
I had a fever of 102 degrees throughout my honeymoon (wedding stress much?), and thank goodness it's been mostly uphill since then. And I hate to gang on this train, but entropy happens. All broadcasts contain propaganda. And if you knew her better, you would see the imperfections.
posted by Kronur at 6:30 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
I had a fever of 102 degrees throughout my honeymoon (wedding stress much?), and thank goodness it's been mostly uphill since then. And I hate to gang on this train, but entropy happens. All broadcasts contain propaganda. And if you knew her better, you would see the imperfections.
posted by Kronur at 6:30 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Seconding don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.
posted by krilli at 6:44 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by krilli at 6:44 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
Also ... resoundingly seconding "all broadcasts contain propaganda"! Love it!
posted by krilli at 6:46 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
posted by krilli at 6:46 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
I just read it as "that asshole I'm always pissed at finally did something nice for me so I'm trying to encourage it by public positive reinforcement."
posted by ctmf at 7:23 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by ctmf at 7:23 PM on November 14, 2011 [2 favorites]
There was a study a couple of years ago that analysed the brain scans of couples at various stages of their relationship. Apparently limerence (the excited, fluttery feelings of being in love) usually begins to fade after about a year and a half, and is gone by a decade. The study showed, however, that some long term couples feel limerence as fresh and tingly as when they first met even after twenty years of marriage. The scientists called these couples swans, after the idea that swans mate for life.
Three things:
1. Maybe the woman you're envious of is a 'swan', and maybe she's not. Most people craft their tweets and Facebook statuses to reflect a kind of fantasy life—not that the things they say about their lives aren't true, but there's an awful lot of selective editing going on. You absolutely can't compare your complex, warts-and-all reality with someone else's finely crafted propaganda.
2. When I think about the 'swan' couples in that study, I have alternating reactions of envy and revulsion. The revulsion is because I do think being Crazy in Love is a type of mild (or perhaps not so mild) mental illness. When I first met my husband, I would spend hours lying on my bed with glazed eyes, listening to the Go Betweens on repeat and obsessing about how dreamy he was. Hours and hours and hours. If that sort of thing was still going on now, I'd have been fired from my job years ago. And would have starved to death.
3. Be grateful that you have a relationship that works. Lots of people don't have that—and I bet some of the 'swan' couples have limerence but dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. What you have is perhaps not as rare as crazy-forever love, but much more valuable.
posted by hot soup girl at 10:43 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Three things:
1. Maybe the woman you're envious of is a 'swan', and maybe she's not. Most people craft their tweets and Facebook statuses to reflect a kind of fantasy life—not that the things they say about their lives aren't true, but there's an awful lot of selective editing going on. You absolutely can't compare your complex, warts-and-all reality with someone else's finely crafted propaganda.
2. When I think about the 'swan' couples in that study, I have alternating reactions of envy and revulsion. The revulsion is because I do think being Crazy in Love is a type of mild (or perhaps not so mild) mental illness. When I first met my husband, I would spend hours lying on my bed with glazed eyes, listening to the Go Betweens on repeat and obsessing about how dreamy he was. Hours and hours and hours. If that sort of thing was still going on now, I'd have been fired from my job years ago. And would have starved to death.
3. Be grateful that you have a relationship that works. Lots of people don't have that—and I bet some of the 'swan' couples have limerence but dysfunctional ways of relating to each other. What you have is perhaps not as rare as crazy-forever love, but much more valuable.
posted by hot soup girl at 10:43 PM on November 14, 2011 [3 favorites]
Live your life, love your loves and ignore the propaganda. You have a relationship and love that work for you. As others have said, it may all be a show she's putting on to convince herself as much as anyone else. Congratulations on finding someone you're a good fit with.
posted by arcticseal at 4:10 AM on November 15, 2011
posted by arcticseal at 4:10 AM on November 15, 2011
It might be that this individual has a really terrible life outside of their relationship, and they're clinging to the one little thing that they have that is good in their life. Bigging it up in this fashion would help them feel better about having something good, especially if they can share it with the entire internet. People generally want to share good news.
BUT, her happiness is not about you. That feeling of envy that you have isn't trying to hurt you. It's trying to do you a favour. It's letting you know that there's something out there that you want and that you don't have. You just need to take the next step now, which is figuring out ways for you to get what it is that you want. See the envy as being a little impetus or push towards the things you desire. The more envy you have, the more shove you're getting to achieve the things in life you want to achieve.
Remind yourself that perfection doesn't exist. It's not out there. Half of everything is below average.
Maybe she's really jealous of your cat, or some other thing that you take for granted? Think about the things that you have in your life that someone else could be jealous of. Perhaps your refrigerator? Lots of people on the planet are jealous of the fact that you have somewhere to keep your food cool. Life is a complicated series of connections between things and people, and right now, you're just seeing one connection, rather than all of them.
Enlarge your area of focus on this individual. You have a microscope trained on their relationship right now, so look at the bigger picture. Maybe she's really depressed, or has some kind of physical illness. Maybe her boss hates her and picks on her when she does a good job. Maybe she just got really lucky in this one thing.
Think on this, too: if the grass is greener, the water bill is proportionally higher.
posted by Solomon at 5:21 AM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
BUT, her happiness is not about you. That feeling of envy that you have isn't trying to hurt you. It's trying to do you a favour. It's letting you know that there's something out there that you want and that you don't have. You just need to take the next step now, which is figuring out ways for you to get what it is that you want. See the envy as being a little impetus or push towards the things you desire. The more envy you have, the more shove you're getting to achieve the things in life you want to achieve.
Remind yourself that perfection doesn't exist. It's not out there. Half of everything is below average.
Maybe she's really jealous of your cat, or some other thing that you take for granted? Think about the things that you have in your life that someone else could be jealous of. Perhaps your refrigerator? Lots of people on the planet are jealous of the fact that you have somewhere to keep your food cool. Life is a complicated series of connections between things and people, and right now, you're just seeing one connection, rather than all of them.
Enlarge your area of focus on this individual. You have a microscope trained on their relationship right now, so look at the bigger picture. Maybe she's really depressed, or has some kind of physical illness. Maybe her boss hates her and picks on her when she does a good job. Maybe she just got really lucky in this one thing.
Think on this, too: if the grass is greener, the water bill is proportionally higher.
posted by Solomon at 5:21 AM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
I'm not sure how to say this with enough consideration, because it's clear from your post that you're a thoughtful person, but here it goes: I'm think you take some deep breaths and realize you're being a hater. And then you redirect your energy to stop being a hater.
When you see her tweets, don't imagine that she's lying, or that she's miserable in some other way, or that she's too young to know what happiness really means, or that she's only happy in that moment, and other moments are probably worse for her, or that she's just too early in her relationship to realize that those first flush warm feelings are going to wear off, etc. In short, don't bring her down just to prop yourself up. It may be a very human thing to do, but it's also a crappy thing to do, so don't make those crutch like actions you go-to behaviors. Maybe her grass is greener. Someone's has to be, why not hers?
If your friend wrote a post that said that she has this friend who seems not to be entirely happy for her, the answers here would probably be awash with 'Live your life girl!' and "Haters gonna hate!". Instead, I'm kind of surprises with the number of folks who have decided that some mental exercise of tearing her down (perhaps another way of saying 'being realistic about her situation), is the way to go. Don't be a hater. Challenge yourself to be better than that. It's great that you accept that you feel jealous, but I think that what Solomon suggested above is greater - the part about recognizing that the feeling of envy is a message to yourself that there is something that you want, and you go about figuring out how to get closer to that.
As for her: Imagine that's she's happy. Send good wishes her way. Heck, imagine that this person is your daughter - wouldn't you want her to be as happy as she states? When you feel a twinge of jealousy, take a deep breath, and accept the feeling, hopefully with a bit of humor - I don't know, actually imagine that a small, cute, green eyed monster actually popped up in your living room, and wave to it? - consider if it has anything to tell you about what you want in your life, and then go do something either for yourself or your partner that reminds them how much you love them.
Or, on preview, what everydayanewday said: When the hate pops up at your doorstep, make it your practice to meet it with the gratitude.
posted by anitanita at 7:15 AM on November 15, 2011 [13 favorites]
When you see her tweets, don't imagine that she's lying, or that she's miserable in some other way, or that she's too young to know what happiness really means, or that she's only happy in that moment, and other moments are probably worse for her, or that she's just too early in her relationship to realize that those first flush warm feelings are going to wear off, etc. In short, don't bring her down just to prop yourself up. It may be a very human thing to do, but it's also a crappy thing to do, so don't make those crutch like actions you go-to behaviors. Maybe her grass is greener. Someone's has to be, why not hers?
If your friend wrote a post that said that she has this friend who seems not to be entirely happy for her, the answers here would probably be awash with 'Live your life girl!' and "Haters gonna hate!". Instead, I'm kind of surprises with the number of folks who have decided that some mental exercise of tearing her down (perhaps another way of saying 'being realistic about her situation), is the way to go. Don't be a hater. Challenge yourself to be better than that. It's great that you accept that you feel jealous, but I think that what Solomon suggested above is greater - the part about recognizing that the feeling of envy is a message to yourself that there is something that you want, and you go about figuring out how to get closer to that.
As for her: Imagine that's she's happy. Send good wishes her way. Heck, imagine that this person is your daughter - wouldn't you want her to be as happy as she states? When you feel a twinge of jealousy, take a deep breath, and accept the feeling, hopefully with a bit of humor - I don't know, actually imagine that a small, cute, green eyed monster actually popped up in your living room, and wave to it? - consider if it has anything to tell you about what you want in your life, and then go do something either for yourself or your partner that reminds them how much you love them.
Or, on preview, what everydayanewday said: When the hate pops up at your doorstep, make it your practice to meet it with the gratitude.
posted by anitanita at 7:15 AM on November 15, 2011 [13 favorites]
Also keep in mind that someone who is 23 is probably likely to be more dramatic (in this case, in a schmoopy way) and broadcast it, too.
posted by Pax at 9:57 AM on November 15, 2011
posted by Pax at 9:57 AM on November 15, 2011
Also, read some anonymous relationship Ask Metafilters - that'll do the trick.
posted by Pax at 10:05 AM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Pax at 10:05 AM on November 15, 2011 [1 favorite]
How do you keep the feelings of "oh god, what if they're just magically happier & more in love than we'll ever be?" in check?
Well, what if they are? It's an inescapable fact of life that things aren't fair. Some people fall into well-paying jobs with decent hours and good bosses, and other people who are just as smart and just as motivated graduate two years later during a recession and flounder around for years trying to find a job that isn't soul-sucking and pays more than $20K a year. Some people grow up with loving parents and cool siblings and find themselves as adults able to settle in their home city, guaranteeing themselves a strong and active social network--while other people have dysfunctional families, or are forced to live far away, or lose their parents way too young. Some people are healthy and active straight into their 60s and others get cancer despite never smoking, drinking, or eating unhealthy. It is unsurprising to me to learn from a commenter above that some couples are forever-limerance "swans" and others of us are just two people who work well together and are happier together than alone. Life's unfair like that, sometimes.
When people say "count your blessings" it sounds like a totally unhelpful cliche but I think the key kernel of wisdom there is that you need to take a step back and consider your life in its totality. We all have the choice in life to focus on the things we lack, or the areas where we're not as lucky as others; we also have the choice to focus on the areas where we are really lucky or blessed. Choosing to center your life and your attention on the areas that are fullest rather than on the areas you perceive to be lacking won't change anything in terms of your luck but it's sure as hell a more pleasant way to go through life.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:41 PM on November 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
Well, what if they are? It's an inescapable fact of life that things aren't fair. Some people fall into well-paying jobs with decent hours and good bosses, and other people who are just as smart and just as motivated graduate two years later during a recession and flounder around for years trying to find a job that isn't soul-sucking and pays more than $20K a year. Some people grow up with loving parents and cool siblings and find themselves as adults able to settle in their home city, guaranteeing themselves a strong and active social network--while other people have dysfunctional families, or are forced to live far away, or lose their parents way too young. Some people are healthy and active straight into their 60s and others get cancer despite never smoking, drinking, or eating unhealthy. It is unsurprising to me to learn from a commenter above that some couples are forever-limerance "swans" and others of us are just two people who work well together and are happier together than alone. Life's unfair like that, sometimes.
When people say "count your blessings" it sounds like a totally unhelpful cliche but I think the key kernel of wisdom there is that you need to take a step back and consider your life in its totality. We all have the choice in life to focus on the things we lack, or the areas where we're not as lucky as others; we also have the choice to focus on the areas where we are really lucky or blessed. Choosing to center your life and your attention on the areas that are fullest rather than on the areas you perceive to be lacking won't change anything in terms of your luck but it's sure as hell a more pleasant way to go through life.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:41 PM on November 15, 2011 [5 favorites]
Well, maybe she's bragging and being phony, maybe she's counting her blessings, maybe somewhere in between.
But you know what I really hate to see: somebody slagging off their SO on social media. Even if you slipped up and only did it once... you'd delete it when you came to your senses, surely? Apparently not. If you want to feel bad, read *their* tweets. Meanwhile, unless the habitual gusher morphs into one of the habitual slaggers-off, you might as well take them at face value.
If I had magical powers I'd zap the perfect partner into existence right now. I don't, but I still have some influence over what happens to me in life. Life can be beautiful or it can be ugly and nasty in part because of how we talk and think about it.
Say, did I mention that I have the #bestcatintheworld? She is. She's better than your cat, ya loser.
posted by tel3path at 4:48 PM on November 15, 2011
But you know what I really hate to see: somebody slagging off their SO on social media. Even if you slipped up and only did it once... you'd delete it when you came to your senses, surely? Apparently not. If you want to feel bad, read *their* tweets. Meanwhile, unless the habitual gusher morphs into one of the habitual slaggers-off, you might as well take them at face value.
If I had magical powers I'd zap the perfect partner into existence right now. I don't, but I still have some influence over what happens to me in life. Life can be beautiful or it can be ugly and nasty in part because of how we talk and think about it.
Say, did I mention that I have the #bestcatintheworld? She is. She's better than your cat, ya loser.
posted by tel3path at 4:48 PM on November 15, 2011
And this: But on Friday, they had a new thing up on their wall. They are both gamer geeks, and they had a chart up of positive romantic interactions vs negative interactions. The positive column had way more check-marks than the negative column, but the point was that even this perfect couple was taking care to make sure that they were spending more time cuddling and watching tv than they spent arguing.
Good things usually aren't just handed to people. Even those who didn't work to get an advantage usually have to work to sustain it.
Of course you can bust your chops and do everything right and still not be able to get any of the good stuff - and don't I know it.
I also know that you reap what you sow and that huge ongoing efforts that have seemed to be in vain always yielded something useful in the long run.
posted by tel3path at 1:37 AM on November 16, 2011
Good things usually aren't just handed to people. Even those who didn't work to get an advantage usually have to work to sustain it.
Of course you can bust your chops and do everything right and still not be able to get any of the good stuff - and don't I know it.
I also know that you reap what you sow and that huge ongoing efforts that have seemed to be in vain always yielded something useful in the long run.
posted by tel3path at 1:37 AM on November 16, 2011
You might find this cathartic:
Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held (TheOnion)
posted by Blasdelb at 10:34 AM on November 19, 2011
Annual Valentine's Day Stoning Of Happy Couple Held (TheOnion)
posted by Blasdelb at 10:34 AM on November 19, 2011
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posted by puritycontrol at 4:35 PM on November 14, 2011 [29 favorites]