What hilarious thing gets you kicked out of heaven?
November 10, 2011 4:28 PM   Subscribe

I need help making a list of sins -- the funnier the better.

I'm going to a multiple-apocalypse themed party (economic meltdown, Mayan calendar, global warming, asteroids, and so on). My costume is the Head Administrative Assistant of Human Resources in Hell, under the premise that, since the apocalypse is tomorrow, I just wanted to get a head start on all the paperwork. I'll be walking around with a clipboard and forms for people to fill out for acceptance to hell, with a checklist of "sins." Things along the lines of: "Have you ever fornicated with any of the following out of wedlock (check all that apply): goat, capybara, non-consenting furniture, other."

What else should I put on the forms?
posted by Pwoink to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (32 answers total) 17 users marked this as a favorite
 
"In the event of zombie apocalypse, would you choose a. mercy killing or b. mercy eating?"

Lose-lose.
posted by therewolf at 4:36 PM on November 10, 2011 [4 favorites]


"I have coveted (check all that apply): neighbor's wife, neighbor's WiFi, neighbor's Pokemon collection..."
posted by MsMolly at 4:40 PM on November 10, 2011 [6 favorites]


Hmm, maybe all Ws is funnier:
neighbor's Winnebago
neighbor's wendigo
neighbor's wombat
neighbor's wok
neighbor's widdle bitty adorable butt
posted by MsMolly at 4:44 PM on November 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Parking outside the lines.
Driving below the speed limit on a busy road at rush hour.
Using the last of the toilet paper, and not replacing the roll.
Littering.

or, go Biblical. Literally.
posted by theora55 at 4:45 PM on November 10, 2011 [5 favorites]


Putting ketchup on steak.
posted by jabes at 4:47 PM on November 10, 2011 [4 favorites]


How about some fashion faux pas?

...mixed stripes and plaids
...worn socks with sandals
...worn gym socks with dress shoes
...worn a fanny pack
...had a mullet
...worn mom jeans
posted by phunniemee at 4:51 PM on November 10, 2011 [6 favorites]


I think that you have to give some context to make traditional sins funny, for instance:
Taking the God's name in vain...
in disgust
in fear
in anger
in traffic
in a church
in coitus
...and so on
posted by _cave at 4:54 PM on November 10, 2011 [4 favorites]


Sloth: Two-toed, or three-toed? (Circle one)
posted by MonkeyToes at 5:03 PM on November 10, 2011 [6 favorites]


I have consumed... (check all that apply):

[ ] Pork;
[ ] Shellfish (includes lobster);
[ ] Camel;
[ ] Reptile;
[ ] Rodent;
[ ] Insect or other winged swarming thing
[ ] Eel;
[ ] Squid;
[ ] Otherwise clean, but improperly slaughtered animal;
[ ] Untithed produce, Israeli;
[ ] Water left uncovered overnight in area frequented by serpents;
[ ] Surf & Turf;
[ ] Eggs with blood in yolk or albumen;
[ ] Goat seethed in mother's milk; or
[ ] Anything from McDonald's. Seriously.
posted by Hylas at 5:06 PM on November 10, 2011 [5 favorites]


Wearing white after Labor Day / before Memorial Day
posted by infinitewindow at 5:08 PM on November 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


Farting in an elevator.
posted by mckenney at 5:17 PM on November 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


Leaving the toilet seat up.
posted by mareli at 5:18 PM on November 10, 2011


"Don't covet your neighbor's ass" is pretty funny and an actual commandment to boot.
posted by tchemgrrl at 5:21 PM on November 10, 2011 [3 favorites]


Watched Norbit in the theater.
Thinks Josh Radnor is the best part of How I Met Your Mother
Quoted Charlie Sheen
Posted "first" in an online forum
Likes Sting's new stuff
Bought Axe Body Spray
Wore Vibram Five Fingers not while running
posted by mckenney at 5:22 PM on November 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


Shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
posted by bondcliff at 5:35 PM on November 10, 2011 [9 favorites]


From Ms. Vegetable:
- farted while fornicating
- drew on someone while they were passed out
- posted inappropriate pictures on the internet
- taken a penny without leaving a penny
- went shopping in pajamas
- spent time on personal business at work
- hung up on a telemarketer
- watched real housewives
posted by a robot made out of meat at 5:38 PM on November 10, 2011


[ ] Ate trans fats
[ ] Produced trans fats
[ ] Am trans fat
[ ] Drove trans am
[ ] Visited Transylvania
[ ] Like trance music
[ ] Am John Tesh
[ ] Got stoned in planetarium
[ ] Giggled at uranus
[ ] Bleached anus
[ ] Drank bleach
[ ] Wore Canadian Tuxedo
posted by benzenedream at 5:45 PM on November 10, 2011 [3 favorites]


Evelyn Waugh did these for the Cherwell in 1923. One or two might work even today.
posted by IndigoJones at 5:57 PM on November 10, 2011


Under the sins checklist, perhaps something like

Please rank the following in order of preference, where 1 is the most preferable, and 7 is the least preferable *:
[ ] drowning in acid
[ ] being eaten by rabid animals
[ ] tickle torture
[ ] watching eternal nonstop reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond
[ ] paralyzed in a swarm of mosquitoes
[ ] rolling a boulder up a hill every day, only to have it fall back each time
[ ] other (please fill in): _______________

* While we do our best to accommodate all visitors, please understand that you may have to wait several thousand years before placement in your top category.
posted by vytae at 6:02 PM on November 10, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'm going to quote Eddie Izzard here: "I'm sorry Father, I did an orignal sin...I poked a badger with a spoon."
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 6:07 PM on November 10, 2011 [3 favorites]


[ ] Worn a white patent leather belt ever
[ ] Sold AmWay to family/friends
[ ] Talked religion, politics as new person at work
[ ] Told the truth when asked "How ya doin'?" *
[ ] Accepted food on first or second offer *
[ ] Took all the Halloween candy from an "honor system" bowl on my front porch within minutes of the homeowner going out of sight I know it was you, you young ruffians

Notes: * Midwesterners only
posted by wenestvedt at 6:34 PM on November 10, 2011 [1 favorite]


[ ] super glued a quarter to the ground in front of the special ed classroom in high school
[ ] did a line of coke off of a stripper's ass
[ ] took someone's virginity in the balcony of the church/synagogue/etc or in the confessional booth
[ ] pulled up next to a homeless person, get out of your car, & sing "Tu no tienes casa!" (ed. note - a friend of mine in college actually did this one)
[ ] purposefully didn't return the shopping cart to the parking lot corral
posted by AMSBoethius at 9:25 PM on November 10, 2011


You simply must see MeFi's own The Whelk's Scarlet Alphabet; sins include Giddiness, Hoarding, Idolatry, Jacobitism, Licking, Mongooses, and Opera. It's hilarious.
posted by amtho at 10:19 PM on November 10, 2011


I am reminded of Special Hell.
posted by Seboshin at 11:46 PM on November 10, 2011


These are great so far!

I'll post the final thing I come up with -- should be fun!
posted by Pwoink at 11:57 PM on November 10, 2011


[ ] stood two abreast on an escalator
posted by peppermintfreddo at 12:01 AM on November 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


There's always Shepherd Book's description of the Special Hell.

and if you haven't seen Firefly before, for godsakes go watch it NOW
posted by Heretical at 1:55 AM on November 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


See also
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 6:28 AM on November 11, 2011


belt and suspenders
tuck undershirt into underwear
posted by Billiken at 8:59 AM on November 11, 2011


Whacked off with a copy of:

[ ] Guns and Ammo
[ ] Readers Digest
[ ] Ladies Home Journal
[ ] Fortune
[ ] Gourmet
[ ] Cigar Aficionado
[ ] Cat Fancy
[ ] Yankee Magazine
[ ] MacWorld
posted by Wet Spot at 10:50 AM on November 11, 2011


Hell now offers enhanced punishment for certain deviants. You may be eligible if you have ever been occupied as any of the following:

[ ] Catholic priest;
[ ] Penn State football coach;
[ ] Michael Jackson;
[ ] Spammer;
[ ] Web Developer with experience in pop-up or pop-under windows;
[ ] Author of self-referential Metafilter post

Too soon?
posted by Hylas at 12:55 PM on November 11, 2011


Here's the result! Thanks, everyone!
posted by Pwoink at 2:59 PM on November 12, 2011 [1 favorite]


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