How important is just the right amount of scruff?

November 10, 2011 1:32 PM

Facial Hair Filter: I don't have a beard but I don't shave every day; for first dates does it matter how much facial hair I'm sporting?

Okay, it's time for a totally frivolous question for the Hive:

Say you went on a first date with guy, or you're chatting with a guy at a bar, or you debating a booty call, whatever, does the amount of five o'clock shadow on his face ever play a role in chances of you making out with him?

For this question, consider full beards out of the running. I know it's Movember, but I just want to talk about stubble.

I look best somewhere between day 2-3 post shave, but if I want to achieve that, I really have to plan ahead. Sometimes you're at day 6 and have to wonder, go back to day 1 or rock the mountain man? I wouldn't go out wearing clothes that don't fit me, or hair that hasn't been washed but how much does it being "just right" matter for stubble? Is there a better direction to error?
I've asked lady friends, but they all tend to favor the outdoorsy type guys with more hair up to full beard status... and I wonder if this represents the average girl. When I'm dating someone I just ask them, but I'm recently single - Dressing yourself is hard!

So, should guys go for just the right amount on first dates? Is the early scruff too scratchy? is the late scruff too dirty? Clean shave or GTFO? Is a guy spending more than 10 minutes thinking about his facial hair a deal breaker? Or have you honestly never noticed/couldn't care less?

posted by midmarch snowman to Clothing, Beauty, & Fashion (40 answers total)

There is no average woman (girl? you're dating adults, right?). For me, it'd depend on the guy. Some look good with it, some look awful.
posted by desjardins at 1:38 PM on November 10, 2011 [4 favorites]

I think you should do what you normally do because it's best to be yourself and every woman is going to have different preferences. Just be yourself.
posted by marimeko at 1:39 PM on November 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

I couldn't care less, until the kissing.
Lots of beard=doesn't hurt.
No beard=doesn't hurt.
Stubble=awesome making out will make my face all raw and peely the next dat.
But, since I know that's what happens, clearly it hasn't prevented me from the awesome make-out session with prickly man.
My current boyfriend has a not long beard, but one that is of a reasonable length to be in the not-at-all hurty zone.
Which does mean he gets more making out from from me. Win-win!
posted by atomicstone at 1:39 PM on November 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

1. I am a girl and although I haven't been on a first date with a stubbly fellow, it'd probably be okay. I think I'd prefer it if it looked intentional, though -- more than just "I forgot to shave today and yesterday."

Some people look stupid no matter what; some people can pull it off at any level. Consult your local authorities in person.

2. If you really like the 2-3 day look, why not get a beard trimmer or similar with a blade guide? You can set it for different lengths, including stubbly.
posted by Madamina at 1:40 PM on November 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

It really depends on how you look with a 6 day beard. Beard growth varies so wildly that none of us can say whether your beard looks like a sexy mountain man or a homeless dude or a guy desperately trying to grow facial hair and failing. I think you have to ask more of your friends, or if you really want us to judge, post photos.

I will say, I'd definitely stop making out with a guy whose face was giving me rug burn, so one big consideration should really be the stubbliness of your stubble. Is your beard growth sharp and prickly so that it will hurt my face, or is it soft?
posted by decathecting at 1:40 PM on November 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

How important is just the right amount of scruff?

As a matter of preference, it varies. In the past I have either worn full beard or went clean shaven on first dates and those types of outings. Then after a time I would enquire as to any interested parties' preferences in terms of length and style and maintained as necessary.
posted by carsonb at 1:41 PM on November 10, 2011

Scruff is negotiable; clean clothes and clean fingernails are key.
posted by mhoye at 1:41 PM on November 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

I think this preference varies widely from woman to woman. For what it's worth, my husband shaves once a week, and I don't think he's ouch-level prickly until at least day three or four, and if I wanted to make out with someone, I doubt I'd factor in their facial hair as a deterrent.
posted by Occula at 1:42 PM on November 10, 2011

Yeah, it depends on what your normal is, and how you look. If it looks like you forgot to shave, that's not great.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:42 PM on November 10, 2011

There exactly 22 answers to this question:

1. All scruff is good
2. No scruff is good
3-20. X amount of scruff is good
21. It depends on the guy
22. I don't care, ever
posted by Pax at 1:43 PM on November 10, 2011 [3 favorites]

It really, really who you are going out with -- there is no "average girl" -- and your general style. If you're clean cut preppy dude, stubble is going to look weird and out of place. If you're tight pants hip guy, not having stubble will look weird and out of place. I am grossly exaggerating here, but I hope you get my point.

General rule is make it look neat. There's "I know I look good" 5-o'clock-shadow and there's "I sleep until 3 P.M. as a rule" 5-o'clock-shadow. If your stubble is everywhere, tame it. If it's unevenly/asymmetrically patchy, shave it off. If it's symmetrical, and evenly-covered, you should be fine.

Here's the thing though, if you clean-shave and then spend the entire date poking at your face because clean-shaving makes your skin do funny things, don't clean shave. If you grow stubble and then spend the date scratching at the itchy stubble, don't have stubble.
posted by griphus at 1:44 PM on November 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

Unless you're halfway through climbing Mount Everest, not shaving every day makes you look like a slob. If you're wearing expensive shoes you're just a designer slob. One chick's perspective.
posted by joannemullen at 1:48 PM on November 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

As a point of reference: I always had neat, trimmed stubble (none on the neck! no patches! all even!) on dates. But I'm hirsute dude and I stay clean-shaven for all of five minutes and then start itching like a madman.
posted by griphus at 1:49 PM on November 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

I agree that it depends on the dude, and the girl. I would say, though, that on the whole, that while face scruff can be hot, NECK scruff to me just looks unkempt. So PLEASE shave your neck.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 1:50 PM on November 10, 2011 [4 favorites]

Just one opinion ... 5 o'clock shadow is OK. Prickly stubble can be invisible but unkissable. Tamed stubble is unappealing to me ... too halfway.
posted by maurreen at 1:55 PM on November 10, 2011

I'm pro-scruff almost always, and have had funny conversations a few dates in where a dude has been shaving to impress me and is slightly crestfallen to hear that I think they're way more attractive now that they've stopped bothering.

(Pro-scruff but very much a fan of good personal hygiene, in case that sounds like "don't bother" is my general mantra.)
posted by carbide at 1:57 PM on November 10, 2011

as joannemullen's answer indicates, responses will run the full gambit because there is no single answer here, or anything other than a real plurality of opinion. As another data point, clean shaven barely registers whereas scruff requires an assessment - is this a look or is it an oversight? Does it look good or is it too hipster? Is it November or not?

So I guess, in summary, while I personally love a bit of scruff, clean shaven is least objectionable and therefore safest.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:59 PM on November 10, 2011

Does it look good or is it too hipster?

...or "non hipster enough."
posted by griphus at 2:03 PM on November 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: So, I have a trimmer that gives me either day 1.5, or day 5 depending on the attachment. Only problem, day 1.5 is when I'm at my scratchiest. I shave my neck as a rule to keep it from looking gross, and give the illusion of Manly Jawline. I know it depends on the woman/girl [yes, I date adults, just where I grew up we call everyone girls until they're married or 40 ;-) I know its awkward, especially when I keep reflexively calling the woman my father dates his "girlfriend," English is a weird language like that],

I guess I'm just looking for a wider swath of anecdate. I don't really want this question to be about me specifically, more of a general guideline for guys debating between A, B and C... or deciding that it doesn't matter as long as it looks good.
posted by midmarch snowman at 2:04 PM on November 10, 2011

I mean, I'm strongly anti-facial hair... Clean-shaven is better than a beard, and anything is better than scruff. (your A, B, and C are all equally no-nos for me, if that helps!), but as is very clear in this thread, there's no such thing as a general guideline, and this is a wildly variable. And not a deal-breaker anyway, though if it's the right length/kissing style to be painful that will limit my willingness to make out... but again that varies depending on like the shape of your chin and the angle of your head when you kiss.
posted by brainmouse at 2:09 PM on November 10, 2011

I prefer a little bit of stubble to freshly shaven/full beard. Freshly shaven is probably a more likely hook-up scenario than full beard... I like beards, but I associate them with cuddling and fireplaces and they aren't "sexy" to me. I know a lot of women who would disagree, though. They have personality.

Please, please don't go with short-short stubble, though-- that hurts like hell. Try rubbing your hand over it, and if it feels prickly instead of soft, imagine that rubbing against your delicate face skin for hours.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:11 PM on November 10, 2011

So what I'm saying is, please not A!
posted by stoneandstar at 2:11 PM on November 10, 2011

A is way too sparse and looks like an actual five-o'clock-shadow which isn't great. In fact, I think that's exactly what it is aiming for. That dude shaves every morning.

You have to be damn good-looking (like the dude in the picture) to pull off B and C without looking like a total slob. Facial hair on the neck generally means "I don't care" and not every dude can pull off "I don't care" and look like a bad boy rather than just a shmuck who doesn't look in the mirror when he goes to the bathroom.
posted by griphus at 2:12 PM on November 10, 2011

I generally prefer visible skin to a full-grown beard, depending on the face, but scratchiness/prickliness is my only consideration as far as stubble is concerned. So day 5 or day 0, and day 5 if it's more sustainable and you'll feel more at ease. (P.S. Is this the right place to announce that I'm not into goatees? Where is that place?)
posted by Adventurer at 2:21 PM on November 10, 2011 [2 favorites]

I would have ALL of Zachary Quinto's babies and I still don't like his facial hair in C. Here is the right haircut/amount of stubble for him.
posted by desjardins at 2:31 PM on November 10, 2011

Oh, besides making out - stubble really, really hurts in other sensitive areas if you catch my drift and I think you do.
posted by desjardins at 2:32 PM on November 10, 2011

Response by poster: "Unless you're halfway through climbing Mount Everest, not shaving every day makes you look like a slob. If you're wearing expensive shoes you're just a designer slob. One chick's perspective."

What if we need scruff to hide our disgusting, malformed, winkled face?

"(P.S. Is this the right place to announce that I'm not into goatees? Where is that place?)"

Everywhere, every single thread is the place to make that announcement. I barely have a chin and even I know better than to give the illusion of squarejaw via goatee.

Oh, besides making out - stubble really, really hurts in other sensitive areas if you catch my drift and I think you do.

I hadn't thought of that...
posted by midmarch snowman at 2:36 PM on November 10, 2011

In my opinion, for visual appeal, A and C work. B does not, because the stubble does not actually go with the perfect hair and the suit. (If you're going to spend that much time getting ready anyway, just shave.) There's an all-over slight scruffiness in A and C that makes the look work better. C is the most adorable, and while desjardins is a woman of impeccable taste and discernment, I personally prefer Zachary Quinto shaggier.

In terms of interaction appeal (for all varieties of interaction), A looks like potentially painful stubble, and C looks safer for my skin. But it really depends -- with some men, there's no comfortable middle ground for my skin between "just shaved five minutes ago" and "months-old beard." With others, 1-2 day stubble is fine.
posted by EvaDestruction at 2:39 PM on November 10, 2011

Unless you're very clearly incorporating stubble into your overall "look," if you show up scruffy to a date with me, I will assume you weren't interested enough to make an effort unless proven wrong by other signs of your interest. And then if we end up kissing I will resent you for leaving me with a scraped and scaly red chin.
posted by prefpara at 2:45 PM on November 10, 2011 [1 favorite]

Thinking about it for more than 10 minutes would be the only deal breaker for me. All the other options are visually fine. I definitely prefer men who don't even think about it except if you are going to the symphony or opera or some such fancy place.
posted by Vaike at 3:00 PM on November 10, 2011

Facial hair has never bothered me (although I don't find full on beards attractive) I'm thinking... just look clean... and if you look clean on day 1,2,3 NOT 4, but 5 and 6... plan around it?
posted by misspony at 3:02 PM on November 10, 2011

Some of it will also depend on the quality of your hair, as griphus alluded to. mr. lfr is a strawberry blond with soft facial hair that he keeps in about a 2-3 day perma-stubble look with the borders neatly defined. Most guys with thicker, darker hair are very bristly when they don't shave, so there's that.

I can add to the anecdata by saying: chicks will be ALL OVER the map on this, and a lot of it will depend on the demographic. I'm 43, so to me scruff brings up hilariously uncomfortable connotations of those godawful Miami Vice wannabees that were our version of the "dudebros" and/or "fratholes" back in the 80s. Most of the 20something girls I know are pretty agnostic, so I'm guessing you're okay to rock your own personal style here.

Whatever you do, keep it neat and well defined, DON'T grow a goatee (god no don't do that, it's so 1995) and try to avoid looking like Kurt Cobain in his more strung-out periods.

Just to illustrate how much this varies, I've never been a fan of facial hair in any form, however I've told mr. lfr that under no circumstances should he ever go clean-shaven for anything where I'm to be seen with him in public, as he looks like he's about sixteen without facial hair.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:06 PM on November 10, 2011

I think the only reason stubble would give be pause on a date is that it give me stubble burn after making out. (One of my old roommates always seemed to have the tell tale red patch on her chin.) Otherwise, I think it can look good on a guy.
posted by kendrak at 3:11 PM on November 10, 2011

As long as it looks good on you, it won't hurt your chances. It will, however, slice up your date's face and she will spend the next day trying to hide an embarrassing chin rash from her coworkers.

Yes, this is based on personal experience. Yes, while I love the look I HATE the feel of stubble. Has it ever stopped me from smooching a smoochable boy or WILL it in the future? No. Go with whatever looks good on you, Scratchy McGee.
posted by MsMolly at 3:19 PM on November 10, 2011

I've had a goatee for years, but I get awfully scratchy at day two and been told several times, in no uncertain terms, that there will be no sexy time period as long as I have sandpaper-face. Smooth cheeks for the win.
posted by elendil71 at 3:44 PM on November 10, 2011

I look best somewhere between day 2-3 post shave, but if I want to achieve that, I really have to plan ahead.

FYI, no you don't. Buy a wahl trimmer for $20. The day after using it you will be at you desired length. It even has guards in case the closest trim is too close.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 3:48 PM on November 10, 2011

My anecdata is that my impression is that women who don't like facial hair tend to dislike it more than women who like facial hair like it. I have no way of substantiating that. But if you're grooming for averages I guess that clean-shaven is the safest bet - even if you're wrinkly.

The thing is that all is useless if you're actually in a community that likes facial hair, which it sounds like you may be. And you can never know with any one actual woman what she'll think. So go with what makes you happy and trust that the right women will be attracted to you, whether it's because or despite of the hair.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:08 PM on November 10, 2011

I'm in the turned-off by facial hair camp....but I would recommend using lots of conditioner on your stubble before the date.
posted by brujita at 9:58 PM on November 10, 2011

Oh, besides making out - stubble really, really hurts in other sensitive areas if you catch my drift and I think you do.
-
I hadn't thought of that...

I assumed that was the whole gist of this question. For this reason, whenever I am attending a situation that may have the slightest possibility of even nudging the remotest chance of this being an issue, I cleanly shave.

Now I'm wondering what this says about me :/
posted by Diag at 12:22 AM on November 11, 2011

I dig beards--but this is kind of an "if you have to ask" question. Many, many men look like derelicts unless they just shaved--not hipsters, but derelicts. I'm into it, but until you KNOW she's into it, why not err on the side of caution for a first date? I do the same with shaving my legs, as you now know.
posted by skbw at 1:43 PM on November 11, 2011