Is Nar-Anon or Al-Anon for me?
November 6, 2011 4:18 PM Subscribe
My live-in SO is addicted to the fake pot (spice, niceguy, whatever name it goes by) and I need advice on support groups for me, a la Al-Anon or Nar-Anon.
He is 20 years sober from alcohol and was a die hard member of AA for many years. I was a member of AA and am familiar with the group, but I'm looking for something along the lines of Al-Anon for marijuana addiction. Is Nar-Anon appropriate for me?
He has lost custody of his beloved children 3 times due to marijuana use. So he turned to the fake pot that is legal in our state as an alternative. He smokes it constantly, even when he has the kids. He has had 2 episodes of "bad trips" so far, which have caused him to stop, saying "I'm poisoning myself and I'll never do this again", only to pick it up within a couple of days.
I've tried talking to him about it, but he's one of these people who professes to know exactly what he's doing and is aware of his addiction and why am I judging him, etc, etc. I'm done with arguing with someone who is unwilling to do anything about it.
We have lived together for 1.5 years and have had our adjustment problems. We both have kids from previous marriages, and kids are here half time. Our house is a constant mess and I've been cleaning up his paraphenalia and the resulting mess of someone who spends many hours in a stoned stupor. However, for financial reasons, I cannot move out right now. I've told him that our own future is shaky and that he will likely lose his kids again if the ex-wife sees him in this condition. I get no replies other than, "I know I'm an addict and you don't like it, but it's my life and I don't give you a hard time about whatever you do". He feels that since the fake pot is still legal in our state, that the ex-wife has no legal grounds to fight for custody suspension and mandatory drug testing (which she has done 3 times when he was smoking real pot). What he may or may not realize is that this shit is dangerous and he comes off as a slurring, bull-in-a-china-shop type stoner when he's using.
There is just no reasoning with him and I am done trying. I love him, but at this point it's tough love, as I have a child to raise and bills to pay.
Any advice on support groups that deal with this type of problem? Would Al-Anon or Nar-Anon let me address this?
Thanks, everyone.
He is 20 years sober from alcohol and was a die hard member of AA for many years. I was a member of AA and am familiar with the group, but I'm looking for something along the lines of Al-Anon for marijuana addiction. Is Nar-Anon appropriate for me?
He has lost custody of his beloved children 3 times due to marijuana use. So he turned to the fake pot that is legal in our state as an alternative. He smokes it constantly, even when he has the kids. He has had 2 episodes of "bad trips" so far, which have caused him to stop, saying "I'm poisoning myself and I'll never do this again", only to pick it up within a couple of days.
I've tried talking to him about it, but he's one of these people who professes to know exactly what he's doing and is aware of his addiction and why am I judging him, etc, etc. I'm done with arguing with someone who is unwilling to do anything about it.
We have lived together for 1.5 years and have had our adjustment problems. We both have kids from previous marriages, and kids are here half time. Our house is a constant mess and I've been cleaning up his paraphenalia and the resulting mess of someone who spends many hours in a stoned stupor. However, for financial reasons, I cannot move out right now. I've told him that our own future is shaky and that he will likely lose his kids again if the ex-wife sees him in this condition. I get no replies other than, "I know I'm an addict and you don't like it, but it's my life and I don't give you a hard time about whatever you do". He feels that since the fake pot is still legal in our state, that the ex-wife has no legal grounds to fight for custody suspension and mandatory drug testing (which she has done 3 times when he was smoking real pot). What he may or may not realize is that this shit is dangerous and he comes off as a slurring, bull-in-a-china-shop type stoner when he's using.
There is just no reasoning with him and I am done trying. I love him, but at this point it's tough love, as I have a child to raise and bills to pay.
Any advice on support groups that deal with this type of problem? Would Al-Anon or Nar-Anon let me address this?
Thanks, everyone.
It sounds straight up Nar-Anon's alley to me. They don't just worry about the "hard" drugs (I think the term they use is "hazardous.")
And yeah, I would be really concerned about custody of your child given the situation in your home.
posted by Fee Phi Faux Phumb I Smell t'Socks o' a Puppetman! at 4:30 PM on November 6, 2011
And yeah, I would be really concerned about custody of your child given the situation in your home.
posted by Fee Phi Faux Phumb I Smell t'Socks o' a Puppetman! at 4:30 PM on November 6, 2011
I think at Nar-Anon you'll hear stories that might be more relevant to your experience; but if Al-Anon meetings are more frequent and/or easier for you to get to, please don't hesitate to go.
I very much doubt that anyone at either meeting would throw you shade over exactly what your guy is addicted to. The patterns and the process of recovery are the same.
I used to go to AA meetings and talk about my addiction to smoking, and nobody every seemed to think it was a problem. If they did, I'd suggest they focus on their own program.
posted by ottereroticist at 4:31 PM on November 6, 2011
I very much doubt that anyone at either meeting would throw you shade over exactly what your guy is addicted to. The patterns and the process of recovery are the same.
I used to go to AA meetings and talk about my addiction to smoking, and nobody every seemed to think it was a problem. If they did, I'd suggest they focus on their own program.
posted by ottereroticist at 4:31 PM on November 6, 2011
Nthing that Nar-Anon is absolutely a good place for you to be. I've been going for five years and rarely does a loved one's drug of choice even get mentioned. It doesn't matter what they use; the behavior and consequences are the same.
If you don't have Nar-Anon in your area, Al-Anon will welcome you as well.
posted by something something at 5:14 PM on November 6, 2011
If you don't have Nar-Anon in your area, Al-Anon will welcome you as well.
posted by something something at 5:14 PM on November 6, 2011
For anyone who is as confused as I was, "fake pot" = synthetic cannabis.
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:24 PM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
posted by drjimmy11 at 5:24 PM on November 6, 2011 [2 favorites]
For what it's worth, testing for synthetic marijuana is a rising goal in the industry. While synthetic marijuana is technically legal as a substance ostensibly sold to not be consumed in the manner it is generally consumed, there are laws in many jurisdictions against misusing (according to their labeled directives) substances to get high (e.g., it is technically illegal many places to get high huffing paint or whatever and you can get busted for it). Meanwhile the DEA is very interested in these marijuana alternatives. You are absolutely correct that your SO is putting his parental access to his kids at risk as a result of his addiction.
I've known lots of people in AA as well as NA, Alanon etc. for just plain pot use and whatever. I'd say go wherever it is convenient and accessible for you and chances are you will be welcomed and helped.
I will go ahead and say it: I understand you are under a financial burden but from what you're describing, looking seriously and consistently at the logistics of leaving this person needs to be part of your thinking now. It could get worse and you have too much to lose.
posted by nanojath at 8:12 PM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I've known lots of people in AA as well as NA, Alanon etc. for just plain pot use and whatever. I'd say go wherever it is convenient and accessible for you and chances are you will be welcomed and helped.
I will go ahead and say it: I understand you are under a financial burden but from what you're describing, looking seriously and consistently at the logistics of leaving this person needs to be part of your thinking now. It could get worse and you have too much to lose.
posted by nanojath at 8:12 PM on November 6, 2011 [1 favorite]
I would contact a domestic violence shelter. They often provide services aside from just a place to stay.
The one here is wonderful. They help women and men, and it's not all about physical violence- they have legal advocates who help with divorce, free counseling services, social workers, etc. They can help get you set up with Narc-Anon meetings, too.
The head of the board survived an attempted murder by her ex-husband, and is now a very successful businesswoman. She, personally, has been known to float surety and rent payments to get families moved and back on their feet.
posted by Leta at 5:58 AM on November 7, 2011
The one here is wonderful. They help women and men, and it's not all about physical violence- they have legal advocates who help with divorce, free counseling services, social workers, etc. They can help get you set up with Narc-Anon meetings, too.
The head of the board survived an attempted murder by her ex-husband, and is now a very successful businesswoman. She, personally, has been known to float surety and rent payments to get families moved and back on their feet.
posted by Leta at 5:58 AM on November 7, 2011
I would suggest Al-Anon. The pain from alcohol addiction and drug addiction that family and friends experience is not really that different. At all the meetings I go to, the meeting format suggests that newcomers do not contribute for the first three meetings (to buy literature but that is optional) so all you will be out is the time of the meeting. So go, see if you comfort there. If not, try different Al-Anon meetings (they are all different but similar). Please don't give up until you try a few different meetings.
Good luck.
posted by CodeMonkey at 6:20 AM on November 7, 2011
Good luck.
posted by CodeMonkey at 6:20 AM on November 7, 2011
Your SO may be a kind and decent person, but you should not have the kids in the house if and when he's wasted and you should under no circumstances be leaving them alone with him. This isn't just a matter of losing custody if his ex finds out. It's because people can do strange and horrible things when they're high, even if they're on a "mellow" substance like fake pot. My friend was repeatedly sexually molested by her stepfather while he was high on marijuana and has never recovered. And plenty of other kinds of tragedies and catastrophes can happen that don't have to do with active malfeasance but are a result of someonenot responding to stimuli and information in a normal way. We're talking house fires and kids drowning in the bathtub here. Please protect yourself and your children and try to get ut of this situation as soon as possible.
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 8:02 AM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by foxy_hedgehog at 8:02 AM on November 7, 2011 [1 favorite]
I say try out Nar-anon and Al-anon both and see what works for you. Some big areas even have Mar-Anon, I've heard, but it must be fledgling, because I only just recently even heard about it, despite being thoroughly steeped in "recovery" circles. Around here the Nar-anon meetings are really weak, which is really too bad. I just go to Al-anon, which has become the catchall -Anon group. That's not the case everywhere, though, so try a few different ones out.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:28 AM on November 7, 2011
posted by small_ruminant at 10:28 AM on November 7, 2011
I'm going to suggest Nar-Anon. Some of the Al-anon meetings in their opening readings specifically state (nicely) several topics that should not be raised in the meeting, one of which is drug use. That being said, you are always welcome to go there and listen, and talk to folks after the meeting, and the literature is great. Meetings in your area may be different, but this is my experience.
posted by lawhound at 10:32 AM on November 7, 2011
posted by lawhound at 10:32 AM on November 7, 2011
even if they're on a "mellow" substance like fake pot.
As an important data point, my experience with fake pot is that it is often way stronger and 'harder' that marijuana. It is made even more dangerous by the fact that no one can really be sure what chemicals are in it. "Mellow" it is certainly not. When I have tried it I found it much more psychotic than real weed and it can have unpredictable side effects and not much is known about withdrawels.
You are being very smart OP.
posted by fuq at 7:37 PM on November 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
As an important data point, my experience with fake pot is that it is often way stronger and 'harder' that marijuana. It is made even more dangerous by the fact that no one can really be sure what chemicals are in it. "Mellow" it is certainly not. When I have tried it I found it much more psychotic than real weed and it can have unpredictable side effects and not much is known about withdrawels.
You are being very smart OP.
posted by fuq at 7:37 PM on November 7, 2011 [3 favorites]
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