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October 24, 2011 2:16 PM   Subscribe

I love sex, foreplay but it takes forever to climax.

My insecurities stem from taking a long time to reach orgasm. I can reach it mostly but the other guy starts feeling frustrated when it takes awhile like 45 min. Mostly I enjoy just being with the other person but admit, putting pressure on myself. I love pleasing the other and sometimes feel bad if they don't get the same satisfaction if I can't achieve the Big O. Is this normal? Do guys care more about my orgasm than I do?
posted by InterestedInKnowing to Human Relations (13 answers total) 6 users marked this as a favorite

Yes, some guys seem to gauge their sexual prowess only by whether or not their partner has an orgasm. Just reassure that it's typical for you that if it does happen, 45 minutes or more is usual (and it doesn't mean he's doing something wrong). Then just relax and try to enjoy it no matter what.
posted by Eicats at 2:28 PM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Got a vibrator? Not the big club size, but the little one--really useful. Does masturbation by yourself work? It's not abnormal, but I think it's worth working on, not in an obsessive way. Orgasm can be learned.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:34 PM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Your male partners should know that women take longer to climax than do men, and that for women it's an emotional experience as much as it is physical. No a lot of young men will know this or be all that good at it, but on the plus side once you meet a man who knows what it takes to bring you to orgasm you will probably have found a likely life partner.
posted by KokuRyu at 2:59 PM on October 24, 2011

I was going to ask if you take antidepressants; that can slow things down dramatically. You can get past it, but patience is the biggest virtue in (ahem) overcoming this.
And I'll second the suggestions about vibes and masturbation. I've had gfs/wives that had troubles reaching the finish line previously, and some regular solo alone time can go a long way.
And finally, yes, I think a lot of men really do care about your orgasm. It's hard to really enjoy if we're thinking that you aren't.
posted by el riesgo sempre vive at 2:59 PM on October 24, 2011

Do guys care more about my orgasm than I do?

From my experience, I think they do. It seems like it's some kind of pride point if a guy can get a girl to orgasm. I've been with guys that didn't seem to care, but for the most part I feel like the guy puts a lot more attention on the girl orgasming.

I guess I can understand to a certain degree -- recently, I had my first couple experiences of a guy having trouble or not reaching orgasm... it was really weird for me, and made me feel like it was something I was doing (which is possible).

But don't put undue attention on it. If you're with a partner who does care about it, you can have a discussion (in a non-sexual setting) on trying different things in the bedroom. If you phrase it like "this is what normally happens with me," I really think it takes the pressure off of the guy. Then you get to experiment and try some other things you like.
posted by DoubleLune at 3:08 PM on October 24, 2011

OP lists as female on their profile, but the phrasing of the question is a little confusing. I have a hard time imagining a man taking 45 minutes but its entirely possible. Most of this applies either way.

Here's your problem:
The worst guys don't care about your orgasm.
Guys who are a little better than that obsess over it. They feel like if you haven't come they don't have a right to it themselves, and they're doing something wrong. Sex, for a lot of guys, is pretty competitive -- not against anyone they know, necessarily, but against all of your previous (and future) partners. These men will be doing their damnedest to get you over the hill to the point that you find it off-putting.
The third group of guys knows that sex is not a race to an orgasm -- those can be done on your own time. The orgasm is literally the climax of the sexual experience: it can be the most exciting part of the story, but it is not the purpose of the story. Journey vs destination distinction.

Here's how you can help a guy get from the second to the third category:
Tell your guy that you can take a really long time to come, and its not a big deal.
Then, let him be there with you while you do it to yourself. It sounds weird, but its actually a pretty satisfying experience for both parties.
THEN, maybe as your intimacy and trust builds with this person, they can be more involved in the process.
posted by modernserf at 4:03 PM on October 24, 2011 [2 favorites]

OP, if you are a woman, 45 minutes from 0 to orgasm is well within normal and not forever. 45 minutes of actively reaching for orgasm is less so; either get yourself off with your partner (also totally normal) or get a vibrator to use together. If you're not a woman, 45 minutes would be outside the norm and something I'd seek medical advice about if you're feeling unhappy about it.
posted by DarlingBri at 4:09 PM on October 24, 2011

Response by poster: Yeah, I'm female. I try to play it off that I will climax every time and then I realize, damn, someone's arm is starting to cramp! But thank you for the wonderful answers so far.
posted by InterestedInKnowing at 5:00 PM on October 24, 2011

This is not an unusual amount of time at all. More foreplay might help but mostly I would just recommend don't worry about it! You take as long as you take and sex is fun and any dude who makes you feel rushed is a jerk who sucks.
posted by mckenney at 5:11 PM on October 24, 2011

Is this normal?
Yeah, pretty much.

Do guys care more about my orgasm than I do?
'Guys' will pretty much run a spectrum from not caring about it that much due to selfishness and/or inexperience, to caring about it more than you because of insecurity, i.e. the 'competitiveness' thing mentioned earlier, to caring about it more than you because they really like you and really want to get you off.

Tell your guy that you can take a really long time to come, and its not a big deal.
Then, let him be there with you while you do it to yourself.

Good advice - and I 2nd a previous commentator who suggested you have this talk in a non-sex setting.
posted by Angus Jung at 5:14 PM on October 24, 2011

I have a hard time imagining a man taking 45 minutes but its entirely possible.

You're in for an awful lot of more or less pleasant surprises as you go from mid 20s to mid 40s.
posted by kjs3 at 10:36 PM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]

Best answer: Firstly, while some women climax easily, many women over the age of about 30 that I've been with (i.e. those who are confident) like to use their own fingers to stimulate the clitoris while making love (which I find quite sexy), and they usually - but not always - climax. Secondly, 45 minutes is totally in the normal range from my 50 years average experience with women. Thirdly, I can't be the only man who enjoys a normal love making period of one to two hours, so think you could suggest to your partner making an evening of it, with mutual (consecutive and collaborative) massage, good music and lighting, playing (it doesn't have to be serious all tht time) and focusing on the present moment not the future climax. Fourthly experiment, which is easier said than done, so a good book (or weekend course) on Tantric Sex will teach you great ways to do so and could change things for the better for both of you. And finally, kjs3's comment is absolutely true. Good Luck.
posted by nickji at 11:49 PM on October 24, 2011

I've known guys who took frequently took more than an hour, including my first boyfriend (and not an older guy, soft-problem - hard, hard, hard!). It was AWESOME.
I remember we joked about having a quicky, as it had been less than an hour. But, well, we were young, and going at it multiple times for 6 hours each night was normal... *sigh*

Actually, I was pretty staggered when I found out that people weren't just joking about the 5-10 minute thing.
And then, very, very disappointed.

Er, my point was - you can actually find guys who'll be sexually compatible in that way with you.

Otherwise, just use a vibe *while* you are having sex.
posted by Elysum at 11:50 PM on October 24, 2011

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