How do I teach my husband to seduce me?
October 24, 2011 11:20 AM Subscribe
How do i teach my husband how to seduce me? maybe a book or something? NSFWish
My husband is a wonderful, caring man- but our sex life has become stale. I initiate sex 90% of the time, and when he's going to start stuff I only know because he'll brush his teeth before he comes to bed.
We've talked about it and we are trying new things- but I am falling flat on my face. He isn't getting the difference between flirting and regular talking. He has a libido on the lower-side, so when I start things I have to be really blunt in order to get the message across. He doesn't read innuendo at all. I've suggested trying to jump right in, but when he tries I misread it and just think he's clowning around (which to be fair is a very large part of our fun, energetic home-life)- this is not building his confidence.
Maybe a book on seduction, or maybe games to play? Maybe something that can help me learn to be clearer? So far we have managed to make these discussions positive and I want to keep it that way. We're in our early thirties, no children. We're both GGG. Our relationship is strong, we're a great team but I sure would like to make it awesome.
My husband is a wonderful, caring man- but our sex life has become stale. I initiate sex 90% of the time, and when he's going to start stuff I only know because he'll brush his teeth before he comes to bed.
We've talked about it and we are trying new things- but I am falling flat on my face. He isn't getting the difference between flirting and regular talking. He has a libido on the lower-side, so when I start things I have to be really blunt in order to get the message across. He doesn't read innuendo at all. I've suggested trying to jump right in, but when he tries I misread it and just think he's clowning around (which to be fair is a very large part of our fun, energetic home-life)- this is not building his confidence.
Maybe a book on seduction, or maybe games to play? Maybe something that can help me learn to be clearer? So far we have managed to make these discussions positive and I want to keep it that way. We're in our early thirties, no children. We're both GGG. Our relationship is strong, we're a great team but I sure would like to make it awesome.
Seduce him first.
posted by Ironmouth at 11:51 AM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by Ironmouth at 11:51 AM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Play along even if you KNOW he's doing it. It will give him confidence and soon it will become more. Do you playfully tease him when he brushes his teeth before he gets in bed?
I used to try being coy, but sometimes it doesn't always work. Send him notes on how to surprise you. The new texting age allows all sorts of stuff like that. Leave him a little note in his shirt or jacket pocket with something like "how about tonight when you get home, you...." then when he gets home and is awkward in his execution, play along. It only makes a person want to do something more if he feels like he has accomplished what he set out to do.
He may just be super shy. That doesn't necessarily change. If a person thinks they are doing something well enough, they may not strive to do better because it was difficult enough to get to where they are now.
It's not fun to read a book about seducing. It is fun to try something you suggest and succeed. Try the notes. Try the texting. Try the playing along. Buy him some sexy undies. Leave a bottle of massage oil on his side of the bed with a note on what he should do to you with it. Then you are going to have to figure out how to get a leash on that tiger!
Good luck!!
posted by Yellow at 11:51 AM on October 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
I used to try being coy, but sometimes it doesn't always work. Send him notes on how to surprise you. The new texting age allows all sorts of stuff like that. Leave him a little note in his shirt or jacket pocket with something like "how about tonight when you get home, you...." then when he gets home and is awkward in his execution, play along. It only makes a person want to do something more if he feels like he has accomplished what he set out to do.
He may just be super shy. That doesn't necessarily change. If a person thinks they are doing something well enough, they may not strive to do better because it was difficult enough to get to where they are now.
It's not fun to read a book about seducing. It is fun to try something you suggest and succeed. Try the notes. Try the texting. Try the playing along. Buy him some sexy undies. Leave a bottle of massage oil on his side of the bed with a note on what he should do to you with it. Then you are going to have to figure out how to get a leash on that tiger!
Good luck!!
posted by Yellow at 11:51 AM on October 24, 2011 [3 favorites]
He isn't getting the difference between flirting and regular talking.
What exactly is the difference?
No, seriously. You think there is a difference, perhaps with a bright line where one thing IS and one thing ISN'T. This line, wherever it is, works for you. Great.
Now, spell it out. If you can't spell it out, what chance does he have of independently arriving at the same spot?
But maybe that's your question ... how do you spell it out? I would recommend the direct approach ("Dear, I want you to tell me 'XYZ.'")
Another way would be not to spell it out to three decimal places, but create a favorable ground for it to happen. He's brushing his teeth? Awesome. That's your cue.
When you hear him brushing his teeth, when he walks out the bathroom ... be naked and silent.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:58 AM on October 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
What exactly is the difference?
No, seriously. You think there is a difference, perhaps with a bright line where one thing IS and one thing ISN'T. This line, wherever it is, works for you. Great.
Now, spell it out. If you can't spell it out, what chance does he have of independently arriving at the same spot?
But maybe that's your question ... how do you spell it out? I would recommend the direct approach ("Dear, I want you to tell me 'XYZ.'")
Another way would be not to spell it out to three decimal places, but create a favorable ground for it to happen. He's brushing his teeth? Awesome. That's your cue.
When you hear him brushing his teeth, when he walks out the bathroom ... be naked and silent.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 11:58 AM on October 24, 2011 [2 favorites]
Something that's worked in these sorts of situations when its unclear that one party wants sex is to have some sort of coded signals - a distinctive necklace, for example - to prepare him for the right mindset without having the conversation that you want to avoid.
posted by modernserf at 12:15 PM on October 24, 2011
posted by modernserf at 12:15 PM on October 24, 2011
to clarify my earlier comment: it seems to me to be a 'separation of church and state' issue. in his mind, there's your day-to-day life, and then there's the sexing. what you need to do is try to show him that there's a route from one to the other, and that it's fun, it's part of the fore-play. but, keep it simple. spending all day cooking an elaborate meal, shopping for rose petals, redecorating, yadda-yadda-yadda, and then he misses the point and you get mad doesn't help the situation. (see what i did with just a dress a hat and a plate?). be mentally/emotionally prepared for some false starts and take it in stride.
also, remember, guys are hard-wired for visual stimulation. any sort of visual/symbolic cues you can give are more likely to succeed (like a hat and a...you get the point...)
here, this one might be fun: him:watching tv or whatever. you: hot shower, then saucy underthings (there's a reason victoria's secret makes sooo much $$$) and a towel. "oh, it's so hot in here, let me turn on this fan. oh no, my towel has blown across the room! oh I can't seem to pick it up! (much bending over) I'm such a butterfingers, can you hellllp meee? ~^"
(srsly, i could do this all day...;)
posted by sexyrobot at 12:20 PM on October 24, 2011
also, remember, guys are hard-wired for visual stimulation. any sort of visual/symbolic cues you can give are more likely to succeed (like a hat and a...you get the point...)
here, this one might be fun: him:watching tv or whatever. you: hot shower, then saucy underthings (there's a reason victoria's secret makes sooo much $$$) and a towel. "oh, it's so hot in here, let me turn on this fan. oh no, my towel has blown across the room! oh I can't seem to pick it up! (much bending over) I'm such a butterfingers, can you hellllp meee? ~^"
(srsly, i could do this all day...;)
posted by sexyrobot at 12:20 PM on October 24, 2011
and sorry if any of this has sounded sexist, but this gay dude has found that there's really not a lot of room for politics in the bedroom. in fact, (often) the more politically incorrect you can get, the better. possibly oversharing, but most memorable conversation of the week: "oh, am i hurting you?" "fuck you. shut up. fuck me. treat me like shit. i am your dirty whore!" good times! ;)
posted by sexyrobot at 12:29 PM on October 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
posted by sexyrobot at 12:29 PM on October 24, 2011 [4 favorites]
Read Married Man Sex Life and buy him the primer. Lots of Kay's advice is applies to women as well as men.
posted by mekko at 12:57 PM on October 24, 2011
posted by mekko at 12:57 PM on October 24, 2011
I'm a bit confused. Some people are telling you to seduce him with underwear and flirting, etc., but you say "He has a libido on the lower side-He doesn't read innuendo at all."
So, if I'm reading this correctly, that means you essentially have to go up to him and say "Let's have sex now." And this works for him, he just...gets in the mood and performs.
But you need seduction, and he doesn't understand the concept because that's not how he works? But you also say "when he tries I misread it and just think he's clowning around" which seems to suggest that you aren't attuned to subtley either. Can you compromise with planning out the sex very...bluntly and logically, like with a calender, or with weekly times or with a signal that you work out between the two of you, or just saying "Let's have sex"...and THEN work on the foreplay/seduction part of it, too, after you know what's going to go down?
posted by Nixy at 1:34 PM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
So, if I'm reading this correctly, that means you essentially have to go up to him and say "Let's have sex now." And this works for him, he just...gets in the mood and performs.
But you need seduction, and he doesn't understand the concept because that's not how he works? But you also say "when he tries I misread it and just think he's clowning around" which seems to suggest that you aren't attuned to subtley either. Can you compromise with planning out the sex very...bluntly and logically, like with a calender, or with weekly times or with a signal that you work out between the two of you, or just saying "Let's have sex"...and THEN work on the foreplay/seduction part of it, too, after you know what's going to go down?
posted by Nixy at 1:34 PM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
This guide to flirting gets linked on the green all the time; some of it (e.g. the "where to flirt" and "who to flirt with" sections) obviously won't apply, but some of the physical descriptors of how to do it might be helpful if he's truly as clueless as you say. Good luck!
posted by dizziest at 3:11 PM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
posted by dizziest at 3:11 PM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
The problem here is not that he doesn't know how to seduce you; it is that you don't know how to seduce each other. And the only solution for that is communication, and patience.
Communication: you are obviously talking about this, but that's not the kind of communication I mean. One thing I love, personally, is when someone I am attracted to touches me. That sends me a clear signal that they find physical contact with me appealing. Then I touch back. Depending on mood, the way people touch each other varies, and communicates intentions and desires. So, touch often, and you are non-verbally communicating a great deal more than you realize. Standing around waiting for someone to flirt with you verbally is not going to work very welll, especially when it is more subtle signals like touching that cause people to initiate verbal flirtation (remember, you're not relative strangers, so verbal initiation -- typically fraught with more peril -- is not your only, or even your most desireable, option here.)
Patience: you want something, and you want him to want it as well. Each of you is trying, but when you do, you're not always getting what you want -- you don't want to initiate all the time, and he wants you to know when he's flirting and when he isn't. It might be easy enough to simply take the straightforward route: always assume he is flirting when you are in the mood, and respond accordingly with a subtle flirt of your own. It may not get you two into bed as quickly each time, but if you allow yourself to interpret his behavior as being in sync with your own, and respond accordingly, you might be surprised how often you end up on the same page.
Oh, and in the meantime: he has found one surefire way -- albeit an unromantic way -- to make clear his intentions. Don't hesitate to take advantage of the tooth-brushing signal as a clear sign that you can and should interpret everything he does from this point on as a decision to seduce you, so go be in the space you want to be seduced in (even if it means getting out of bed) and behave the way you want to behave when you're being seduced.
posted by davejay at 4:07 PM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Communication: you are obviously talking about this, but that's not the kind of communication I mean. One thing I love, personally, is when someone I am attracted to touches me. That sends me a clear signal that they find physical contact with me appealing. Then I touch back. Depending on mood, the way people touch each other varies, and communicates intentions and desires. So, touch often, and you are non-verbally communicating a great deal more than you realize. Standing around waiting for someone to flirt with you verbally is not going to work very welll, especially when it is more subtle signals like touching that cause people to initiate verbal flirtation (remember, you're not relative strangers, so verbal initiation -- typically fraught with more peril -- is not your only, or even your most desireable, option here.)
Patience: you want something, and you want him to want it as well. Each of you is trying, but when you do, you're not always getting what you want -- you don't want to initiate all the time, and he wants you to know when he's flirting and when he isn't. It might be easy enough to simply take the straightforward route: always assume he is flirting when you are in the mood, and respond accordingly with a subtle flirt of your own. It may not get you two into bed as quickly each time, but if you allow yourself to interpret his behavior as being in sync with your own, and respond accordingly, you might be surprised how often you end up on the same page.
Oh, and in the meantime: he has found one surefire way -- albeit an unromantic way -- to make clear his intentions. Don't hesitate to take advantage of the tooth-brushing signal as a clear sign that you can and should interpret everything he does from this point on as a decision to seduce you, so go be in the space you want to be seduced in (even if it means getting out of bed) and behave the way you want to behave when you're being seduced.
posted by davejay at 4:07 PM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]
Mayhaps each should brush his teeth each and every night, so as not to tip you off.
posted by SampleSize at 7:44 PM on October 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
posted by SampleSize at 7:44 PM on October 24, 2011 [6 favorites]
I've known two different couples in which BOTH of them confided in me that the OTHER ONE wasn't interested (enough) in sex with them. "I try, but she just pushes me away." "It's like he never wants to anymore!"
There's ambiguity some people are reading in your description of the problem. You say he needs help flirting, but then you say you often misinterpret his flirtations.
Maybe both of you need to stop guessing, and start talking. "I want you to go back out, and come back in again. Growl. Let me know you want me!" "I want you to wear something sexy underneath, so I'll only see it when you undress for bed."
Specifics, as baby steps. Not because performing to a plan is sexy, but because it is confidence-building practice for sexy sexy improvisation down the road.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:44 PM on October 24, 2011
There's ambiguity some people are reading in your description of the problem. You say he needs help flirting, but then you say you often misinterpret his flirtations.
Maybe both of you need to stop guessing, and start talking. "I want you to go back out, and come back in again. Growl. Let me know you want me!" "I want you to wear something sexy underneath, so I'll only see it when you undress for bed."
Specifics, as baby steps. Not because performing to a plan is sexy, but because it is confidence-building practice for sexy sexy improvisation down the road.
posted by IAmBroom at 7:44 PM on October 24, 2011
Best thing I know is use the methods in Tantric Sex. Best would be a day/weekend course - some specify there will be no actual sex, but all teach the ways of seduction. Or take a look at a good site, which can be hard to find as most are selling something. Am I allowed to put one in? I've checked part of it out and but it looks like it may be useful and I've not seen any sales pitch on it yet: http://tantraecstasy.blogspot.com
posted by nickji at 11:24 PM on October 24, 2011
posted by nickji at 11:24 PM on October 24, 2011
Sit your husband down and have him listen to this song and then ask him to turn it around and act that way towards you:
I want to be seduced,
I want a woman to take me out to dinner for two
I want to see her eyes gettin' moody,
Flirtin' with the thought of what flirtin' can lead to...
I want to act real cool, have her think a-bout gettin' little me in bed.
Have a chat about Magna Carta, or Puerto Vallerta, or somethin' that Gandhi said.
I might demur politely, falter slightly, if she starts to fondle my knee,
But I'm relatively certain I'd compromise if I know me.
I want to be seduced,
I want a woman to talk to me suggestively
I want to hear her say she'll be with me,
Tomorrow morning, drinking hot jasmine tea.
I want her to make me laugh, make a point of touching me when she talks
Leaving all the jealous guys in the joint to mumble in their beer and gawk.
(I know it only hap-pens, when I'm napping, nodding in my reverie
That I ever find a woman who wouldn't mind seducing me).
Yeah, I know it only happens, when I'm napping, nodding in my reverie
That I ever find a woman who wouldn't mind seducing--
Starting from the moment that we'd been introduced--
That I ever find a woman who wouldn't mind seducing me.
(Seduced, Leon Redbone)
I'm serious--he doesn't know what you want, and this song even has examples!
And if that is NOT what you want, because everyone's definition of flirting is different, think of movies you saw with the perfect flirtation scene--anything that can serve as a guide map short of you having to provide a numbered list of moves--and show them to him (and that can lead to sexytime, too).
There're books you can get with men's and women's fantasies in them that might resonate with one of you, too, like Bedtime Erotica for Men and the Mammoth Book of Erotic Confessions, which are both highly rated over at Amazon.
Other fun things to try:
If you two aren't comfortable with all the direct "Do Me Now" talk, you can also set up a signal that gets the message across. We had a post a while back where people had beans, I think? Seems appropriate for Metafilter.
I've heard couples use pillows sometimes--if a specific pillow is on the bed, the game is afoot! (Okay, that sounds odd. I did not mean to imply you've got a foot fetish going on. Unless you do, and that's cool too. Get a foot-shaped pillow!).
Songs actually work here, too. Make a pact that when either of you puts a song on, it means sexytime is GO FOR LAUNCH! You can also have the option that if the other stops the song, LAUNCH IS ABORTED, if you want. Have fun with this--I love that the two of you are able to joke around--sex should be fun! So you can be silly and play
Or you can have the song itself help set the mood. If you find a song that matches how you are feeling, it will help him "get" what it is you are looking for. And then you can play that same song when you are in a similar mood next time and this little light-bulb will light up over his head and he'll be all, "Eureka!".
Now you are going to ask me what songs and what moods, aren't you? *sigh*
Romance is a touchy (no pun intended) thing. What I like you might think is corny as hell.
But, okay, here goes: For rainy days when you feel like spending a leisurely morning in bed and taking your time, I like stuff like Larry Carlton's Sleepwalk, that feels like melting on a hot summer day.
Fred Eaglesmith's Careless has one partner pouting because the other isn't showing him enough attention, but the tempo and attitude (to me) is more daring the partner to, "Come here and prove me wrong." Wrestling, jostling for position, dominating--each one egging the other to go farther--that's all there. Apache dancing between the sheets. That's maybe a good song for when you feel like you've been initiating a little too often?
Bad Things, the theme to TrueBlood, is for just plain fucking (sorry to be so blunt, but sexy times come in all flavors, like ice cream, and I think we all know the difference between lovemaking and fucking):
I don't know who you think you are
But before the night is through
I wanna do bad things with you
You can't get much plainer than that. Down and dirty. Let the songs say it for you.
Anyway, now you have a jumping off place.
posted by misha at 12:07 AM on October 25, 2011
I want to be seduced,
I want a woman to take me out to dinner for two
I want to see her eyes gettin' moody,
Flirtin' with the thought of what flirtin' can lead to...
I want to act real cool, have her think a-bout gettin' little me in bed.
Have a chat about Magna Carta, or Puerto Vallerta, or somethin' that Gandhi said.
I might demur politely, falter slightly, if she starts to fondle my knee,
But I'm relatively certain I'd compromise if I know me.
I want to be seduced,
I want a woman to talk to me suggestively
I want to hear her say she'll be with me,
Tomorrow morning, drinking hot jasmine tea.
I want her to make me laugh, make a point of touching me when she talks
Leaving all the jealous guys in the joint to mumble in their beer and gawk.
(I know it only hap-pens, when I'm napping, nodding in my reverie
That I ever find a woman who wouldn't mind seducing me).
Yeah, I know it only happens, when I'm napping, nodding in my reverie
That I ever find a woman who wouldn't mind seducing--
Starting from the moment that we'd been introduced--
That I ever find a woman who wouldn't mind seducing me.
(Seduced, Leon Redbone)
I'm serious--he doesn't know what you want, and this song even has examples!
And if that is NOT what you want, because everyone's definition of flirting is different, think of movies you saw with the perfect flirtation scene--anything that can serve as a guide map short of you having to provide a numbered list of moves--and show them to him (and that can lead to sexytime, too).
There're books you can get with men's and women's fantasies in them that might resonate with one of you, too, like Bedtime Erotica for Men and the Mammoth Book of Erotic Confessions, which are both highly rated over at Amazon.
Other fun things to try:
If you two aren't comfortable with all the direct "Do Me Now" talk, you can also set up a signal that gets the message across. We had a post a while back where people had beans, I think? Seems appropriate for Metafilter.
I've heard couples use pillows sometimes--if a specific pillow is on the bed, the game is afoot! (Okay, that sounds odd. I did not mean to imply you've got a foot fetish going on. Unless you do, and that's cool too. Get a foot-shaped pillow!).
Songs actually work here, too. Make a pact that when either of you puts a song on, it means sexytime is GO FOR LAUNCH! You can also have the option that if the other stops the song, LAUNCH IS ABORTED, if you want. Have fun with this--I love that the two of you are able to joke around--sex should be fun! So you can be silly and play
Or you can have the song itself help set the mood. If you find a song that matches how you are feeling, it will help him "get" what it is you are looking for. And then you can play that same song when you are in a similar mood next time and this little light-bulb will light up over his head and he'll be all, "Eureka!".
Now you are going to ask me what songs and what moods, aren't you? *sigh*
Romance is a touchy (no pun intended) thing. What I like you might think is corny as hell.
But, okay, here goes: For rainy days when you feel like spending a leisurely morning in bed and taking your time, I like stuff like Larry Carlton's Sleepwalk, that feels like melting on a hot summer day.
Fred Eaglesmith's Careless has one partner pouting because the other isn't showing him enough attention, but the tempo and attitude (to me) is more daring the partner to, "Come here and prove me wrong." Wrestling, jostling for position, dominating--each one egging the other to go farther--that's all there. Apache dancing between the sheets. That's maybe a good song for when you feel like you've been initiating a little too often?
Bad Things, the theme to TrueBlood, is for just plain fucking (sorry to be so blunt, but sexy times come in all flavors, like ice cream, and I think we all know the difference between lovemaking and fucking):
I don't know who you think you are
But before the night is through
I wanna do bad things with you
You can't get much plainer than that. Down and dirty. Let the songs say it for you.
Anyway, now you have a jumping off place.
posted by misha at 12:07 AM on October 25, 2011
My partner and I once started a Google Doc to share ideas and things that turned us on. If he's at all geeky this may be useful - it certainly sparked a lot of adventures for us!
posted by divabat at 7:20 AM on October 25, 2011
posted by divabat at 7:20 AM on October 25, 2011
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by sexyrobot at 11:39 AM on October 24, 2011 [1 favorite]