Where's Waldo's lesbian sister?

October 18, 2011 11:58 AM

I recently visited my mother and noticed that while she has an extensive collection of family photos on display, there are none of my partner and/or me.

My Mom and I have (I think) a great relationship. I came out to her 16 years ago. It was difficult for a long time, but she gradually came to accept that I am gay, and now advocates for gay people in her conservative town. She's not going to Pride parades, but she doesn't put up with homophobic comments, either.

My partner and I have been together for 8 years and my Mom and step-Dad adore her and we always have a wonderful time together. I even bring other friends to their ranch because we have such a great time! One of my friends noticed that while there are tons of pictures of my 3 siblings all over the house (2 of whom have children, 1 does not), there no pictures of my partner and me.

My feelings are hurt. I'm not sure how to bring this up without creating drama. I am not devastated by this, but I feel like I need to stand up for myself and my partner. Any ideas?

posted by kamikazegopher to Human Relations (30 answers total)

Best answer: Have you ever given her a framed photo of you and your partner, like for Christmas or mother's day?
posted by Jason and Laszlo at 12:00 PM on October 18, 2011 [30 favorites]

Yep, give her a framed photo and see what happens.
posted by dawkins_7 at 12:03 PM on October 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

Does your mother have any horrible relatives and/or friends that visit her? Maybe she's so fond of you that she can't bear the earful she gets from some lout that she's obligated to host occasionally.
posted by Rat Spatula at 12:04 PM on October 18, 2011 [4 favorites]

The pictures my parents have up at their house are pictures that I've given them. I don't think there is a single picture up in their house (of myself, my children, my siblings and their children) that they took themselves or took the time to frame and put up. So, what Jason and Laszlo said up there - have you given her any? If not, woo hoo! get some great ones done and ta-da! your holiday gift is done!
posted by Sassyfras at 12:04 PM on October 18, 2011 [4 favorites]

Ugh, what a sad thing to notice about your mom. I actually wonder if she does it unconsciously- like, instead of thinking, "Oh, I can't bear to put up a picture of TWO HOMOSEXUAL LOVAHHHHS!", she thinks, "What a nice family photo of KamikazeBrother and his wife! Lookit the cute kids making funny faces! I'm going to frame this!" But the same "family photo" synapses don't fire for her yet when she sees pics of you and your partner. It's still UGH JEEZ MA but maybe a little easier to swallow? (Maybe not.)

So if I were in your spot, I would send her some cute shots of you and your partner, and give her a few nice framed photos of you guys for Christmas, too.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 12:05 PM on October 18, 2011 [3 favorites]

Seconding jason and Laszlo's question. My parents don't have a lot of framed photos of me around either, but that's more because of a combination of me being INSANELY fussy about how I photograph and hating the way I usually come across in photos, and my mother (the family photographer) not really being that great with a camera and so most of the pictures she DOES take during holidays come out all screwy and so she never puts them up.

Maybe they just don't have any; have they TAKEN pictures while you're around? Have you given them any?
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 12:06 PM on October 18, 2011

My parents also didn't have any framed photos of me and my husband until I gave them some. Now the grandson, on the other hand... :)
posted by chiababe at 12:08 PM on October 18, 2011

I'd bring one, present it to her and put it on the table where they go. Let her say something.
posted by Ironmouth at 12:09 PM on October 18, 2011

In my family I would just bring it up, probably half joking, half serious. That would work because I know that if my mom had any unquestioned resistance to my (healthy yet "socially taboo") relationship, it would be outweighed by her concern for demonstrating her love for me. I agree that giving her a photo of the two of you might solve the problem on its own.

I don't know what your mom is like, but she might be having trouble thinking of your relationship as "serious" if she hasn't been aware of many gay or lesbian relationships. Obviously that isn't ideal, but it might be a gentle fix if you treat your milestones the same way (i.e., giving your mom a photo of the two of you because you're serious). (On preview, what Snarl Furillo said.)
posted by stoneandstar at 12:10 PM on October 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

It's likely that they love you just fine but feel awkward because of other people or relatives whose disapproval they fear. Or they could be prejudiced. Or...

My parents didn't have photos of me around the house, while they had plenty of photos of my sister. I challenged them about this and said "Admit it, you just like my sister better than me, don't you?" My mother, bless her, had the integrity to say yes. And now I'm okay with the fact that she doesn't have pictures of me up. She just likes my sister better than me. Parents are human; they have favourites. And that's okay, if they're honest about it.
posted by Decani at 12:14 PM on October 18, 2011 [3 favorites]

It may simply be a question of her not having any good pictures of you two for framing.
posted by Thorzdad at 12:15 PM on October 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

How old are you? There comes a time to just accept your parents for who they are (aging people doing the best they can while gradually growing into place like a tree, unable to change much).

Your mom doesn't put up with homophobic remarks. You and your partner are welcome at her house. Sounds like a fairly functional relationship, which is more than some people have with their parents.

Just accept them for who they are, and stop finding new things to get worked up about. Your parents are getting older, and probably don't have the energy for it.

Some friend tactlessly planted a seed of doubt in your heart.

Dump the poisonous "friend" and keep working on the positive aspects of your relationship with your mom.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:22 PM on October 18, 2011 [7 favorites]

My husband and I just celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. We have an adorable son. Still no framed pictures of any of us in my mother-in-law's home. I finally worked up the courage to ask her why? Her response: Give me some!*

Nthing everyone who's saying to frame a few and give them to your mom.

*And I still haven't gotten around to doing this. Getting off your butt and putting a picture in a frame is WAY more work than people give it credit for. Sheesh.
posted by Mchelly at 12:23 PM on October 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

I am not gay but I am in an unmarried partnership. It took a while for my parents (who do like my partner) to get photos of us among those of my sisters and their families with children. It did help when I gave them a couple of photos to seed the process.
posted by aught at 12:24 PM on October 18, 2011

Best answer: When I was in high school I counted up and noticed there were something like TWICE AS MANY photos of my next youngest brother's best friend as there were of me! I have teased my mom about it for years. It was just one of those things that happened; I hadn't been in as many photogenic activities the last couple of years and my brother's friend was in like ALL the same activities as my brother. But honestly my feelings were hurt too, even though I realized fairly quickly, even in the midst of my teenaged drama, that it was just an oversight. Now it's amusing but at the time it did hurt my feelings.

Now that I'm the first of my siblings to have kids, me and my husband are probably in twice as many photos around the house as any of my siblings, and our kids are in like 100 times as many as anybody else.

Anyway, before you assume malice, especially since she likes your partner, assume it's been overlooked and -- yeah -- give her a nicely framed picture.

Also, I don't think it would be wrong to say in a relatively drama-free way, "Mom, I noticed there aren't any pictures of me and my partner, which I'm sure isn't on purpose, but it kind-of hurts my feelings because I love you so much!" You're allowed to have your feelings hurt and to express that in a non-lashing-out-y way.

A couple other questions -- are your siblings married, and are their spouses in photos? Have there been any ugly divorces? Some families draw a pretty bright line that spouses are in, boyfriends/girlfriends are out, so that the family photos aren't filled with an ever-changing procession of randoms -- which is fine, but can create problems where you have long-term partners who aren't (or can't be) married. And if there's been a divorce, some families get really gun-shy after divorces about including partners (even spouses) in photos. (Neither of these is my kind of thing, but I mention them in case they might be driving your mom's behavior. She might not even realize it if it's her subconscious thing.)
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 12:26 PM on October 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

Some friend tactlessly planted a seed of doubt in your heart.

Dump the poisonous "friend" and keep working on the positive aspects of your relationship with your mom.

That sounds awfully extreme to me.

Put on your ugliest coordinated holiday sweaters, head on over to Sears and get some cheesy photos taken, so you can give a nice framed 8x10 to your mom.
posted by Faint of Butt at 12:28 PM on October 18, 2011 [4 favorites]

nthing that my in-law's house are filled with photos of my son, only because we keep giving her photos.

However, I wonder about this:
"One of my friends noticed that while there are tons of pictures of my 3 siblings all over the house (2 of whom have children, 1 does not), there no pictures of my partner and me. "

Are there any photos of you/your siblings as children? School photos? An awkward family photo taken at Olan Mills when you were in 8th grade? If there are "historic" photos of your siblings but none of you, I'd wonder.

If all the photos are present day, I concur with the "you need to give them some" chorus.
posted by anastasiav at 12:30 PM on October 18, 2011

How often do your siblings see them? I once noticed that my uncle (who was a photogapher, no less) had pictures of every other relative but me on his walls. I never asked him why, but I think it was because he saw me often enough that he remembered what I looked like without needing a picture for reference. But I'll bet if you give your mom a nice framed photo, you'll see it prominently displayed the next time you visit.
posted by bricoleur at 12:31 PM on October 18, 2011

Response by poster: They do have tons of pictures of us from our visits (we visit more frequently than any of my siblings), but I have never given them a framed photo of us. I will definitely get on sending them a suitably framed photo!

And I am trying not to assume malice, she wouldn't hurt my feelings intentionally.

Also, the friend is not poisonous, just privy to some other hurtful family issues outside of this.
posted by kamikazegopher at 12:34 PM on October 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

If your profile location is correct, I searched for wedding photographers at the vendor list at soyoureengayged.com, since most also offer portrait/couple photography, some at a discount to lgbt couples. This was the one that was actually located in HI (but not on your island)--says she offering a discount to all and freebie shoot to one lgbt couple at her location. Maybe send her a link (her contact info linked here) to your post here or shoot her an email, and see what she can do for you?

Of course, if you already have an awesome pic/candid of you two, just frame it, give it to your mom, and feel free to let her know it would mean a great deal to you if y'all could be included somewhere in the wall of photos. It's the truth, and not a hurtful thing to say.
posted by neda at 12:34 PM on October 18, 2011

Best answer: It would hurt my feelings, too. You have every right to bring this up in a kind, non-confrontational, I-statement kind of way. This is a better option than sublimating your feelings. However, giving photos is a great idea, too! That's what my partner and I did in your situation, and now there we are, proudly displayed along with the rest of the family.
posted by Lieber Frau at 12:36 PM on October 18, 2011

Best answer: Another data point: you would have thought my mother's parents felt that way about my family compared to my mom's siblings and their kids growing up. There were tons more pictures on the wall of my cousins than us -- probably because we never could afford to get a group picture taken (or at least it was never a priority) Only later did my grandma realized this really bugged my mom, and that was when we realized that since we lived in the same state, we, compared to my cousins, saw my grandparents at least 5 times as often. And where my grandparents thought that meant hanging pictures of us on the wall didn't matter as much because we actually saw them face-to-face, my mother ended up being bothered by our exclusion on the wall 5 times as often. In other words, (1) try not to assign malice where it might not be and (2) if you don't say anything, I'm not sure you get a pass on feeling bad -- or at least blame your mom.

I'm not going to dismiss the fact that there could be some homophobia (subconscious, unintended, or blatant) going on because there is always the possibility of that. But given how you've described your mother, if it's there, it's almost definitely subconscious or unintended, and with that as the case, I'd do my best to not be hurt.

Keep in mind, your mother, despite being a mother, is also, as we often forget, human, and here she is doing traditional things like hanging up pictures in a world where those same traditions she has used to guide herself -- or at least expected to guide herself -- don't apply. This doesn't excuse explicitly bad behavior -- but there's a certain point where you have to realize that just because something ends up hurting your feelings doesn't mean you need to respond like it was intentional because she's just trying to figure out how to do everything too.

My brother and I each spent years stewing over every small slight our mother made after we came out -- and for much of those points, sadly, we were in the right about the bad treatment. But at a certain point, some parents, no matter how much they want to support you, (and mine gave come over quite a steep hump) need guidance, and I realized that if I didn't stick up for that, it wasn't going to happen. [Or my pushy partner did...and he was far from poisonous too, just sometimes too helpful :) ] And on doing so, I found out that those slights were more often than not, a miscommunication on somebody's part or a misread of the situation. ("We didn't invite you because we thought you wouldn't want to come." "Well, I didn't, but I didn't want to be invited." that type of thing) So if this is bothering you so much, I'd think a lot about it but not from a 'hurt feelings' perspective but from a 'what are the other possible explainations' perspective -- and then make sure to include your mom in your life the same way as your siblings do if you expect the same in return.


Or maybe you'll think about that and not want it at all. Be careful what you wish for.. There was a time when I never knew if my partners would be accepted as part of even my immediate family. Now my grandmother has a layover at Union Station next month and is asking my partner if he's free to meet up for lunch. Family acceptance is awesome...except it comes with family...just kidding, this is actually an amazing thing and the fact that it happens still sometimes make me pinch myself. (If you knew where my family was 15-20 years ago, it'd take your breathe away too.)

And despite me seemingly telling you to chill out, I sympathize and wish you the best. My parents wouldn't hang pictures of me on the wall because I'm so unphotogenic that I would hate it every time I walked by. But you better believe there is a time I'd have reacted the same way you are, even though fewer pictures of me would mean that I never allow them to be taken. Family stuff is hard, especially when there's a past. Unfortunately, sometimes, friends and partners can only define your family relationships by the drama of which they are aware, and can, unintentionally and without realizing it, magnify those old wounds. Keep that in mind too.
posted by MCMikeNamara at 12:45 PM on October 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

Best answer: Sorry about the poisonous remark, but, given what you have said about the existing positive dynamic, I wonder if such a remark is really helpful.

I had a tough time growing up. My mother was, quite honestly, nuts, but she's calmed down over the last 15 years as she's gotten older.

Still, family gatherings tend to reignite some of that old craziness, and there is nothing I can do to change that.

But given we have a limited amount of time on this earth, I try to accentuate the positive, and try to avoid allowing myself the luxury of hurt feelings when 99% of the pressing issues in our relationship have been resolved.
posted by KokuRyu at 12:48 PM on October 18, 2011

My suggestion is that you focus your energy on the positives and stop looking for reasons to feel hurt. Your friend was not being a very good friend. A good friend would have discreetly giving your mother a framed picture of you and your partner, or even just of you, and left it at that. I would worry more about your friend's intentions than your mother's.
posted by myselfasme at 12:48 PM on October 18, 2011 [2 favorites]

My best friend hangs pictures of friends and family in her home. Yet there is none of me. There was a single photo in which I appeared with her and her partner at their commitment ceremony. A couple years ago I was looking at the photos nearby and her partner walked by and said... "oh, man, I just noticed that your ex is in that photo." and made a joke about how crappy that must feel every time I visit.

The next time I was there the pic was swapped out to a pic of them with two other couples. Oddly, both of those other couples have since split but I'm guessing because none of those parties visit as regularly it's not an issue.

Yes, there are times when I've thought about this and the why-fors, but I figure it's their home and if I were the sort to hang photos of people in my home I'd be annoyed at someone telling me what to hang.
posted by FlamingBore at 12:52 PM on October 18, 2011 [1 favorite]

And where my grandparents thought that meant hanging pictures of us on the wall didn't matter as much because we actually saw them face-to-face, my mother ended up being bothered by our exclusion on the wall 5 times as often.

The flip side to this: there are probably more pictures of my brother's family on my parents' wall than there are of me, and he is around a lot more often than I am. But I chalked that up to "well, because he's around more often they have that much more opportunity to TAKE pictures of him, that's all."

(Actually I never really counted up to see; I kinda don't care. And my niece is probably outstripping us all anyway because she's my parent's first grandchild and she's only three and so she's way cuter than my brother or me right now.)
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 1:19 PM on October 18, 2011

I am in very few of the pictures at my Moms house, reason, I am the defacto family photographer, and rarely make it to the front of the lens.
posted by kanemano at 1:52 PM on October 18, 2011

Yep, photos with kids are definitely going to win out everytime. And young parents often 'gift' other people those photos, as everyone is saying. Whereas 'regular ol' non-parents' don't usually give their parents (the grandparents!) framed photos of themselves!:) Wow, such a confusing way to second the suggestion that you give a framed photo to your mother, or even just give her a snapshot by sticking it on the fridge! Why not? She sounds like she's always happy to see you and your partner so that's great.

(My grandmother-in-a-different-country has wayy more photos of my brother's gf than me- bc my parents have attended more 'functions' with them where photos are taken- graduations, etc. and mailed my grandmother the subsequent photos. I thought it was weird at first but then realized it made sense. Wow, I wish I knew how to make the mini-type like everyone else! But then again I also had a previous bf who had more photos of his ex-gf than of me in his apt...but that was actually meaningful in retrospect!:)
posted by bquarters at 1:57 PM on October 18, 2011

Are they framed snapshots, or portraits? That, for our family, would be the "decider". Any image less formal, staged or vignetted than an Awkward Family Photo does not go on display at my mother's house. Photos are Décor, not memories at grandma's. Once she put a casual image of the family in the photo coasters, but that was only because we matched the sofa. Get thee to a Tuscany Set ASAP. In fact, this year, I think we're going to do a gorgeous series for my mom, something simple, gorgeous and classy - but with all of us wearing Billy Bob teeth.
posted by peagood at 3:50 PM on October 18, 2011

Best answer: myselfasme: "A good friend would have discreetly giving your mother a framed picture of you and your partner, or even just of you, and left it at that. I would worry more about your friend's intentions than your mother's"

Oh, come on. A good friend that did that would – even though they're a good friend, and would continue to be a good friend! – be viewed as pretty strange by myself, my SO, and my mom. In fact, knowing her, I reckon it would probably go like this:

"Here you go, barnacles' mom!"
"What's this?"
"It's a picture of barnacles and barnacles' SO!"
".... err, and you're giving this to me, why?"
"Well, I noticed you don't have any such photos around, so I thought I'd get you one!"
"Umm, thanks, I guess. Now please leave. You're fucking creepy."

Follow the Sears+sweater advice, kamikazegopher. Your mom will love it!
posted by barnacles at 7:47 PM on October 18, 2011 [3 favorites]