Got hit on by a hot girl, which never happens
October 11, 2011 3:26 PM   Subscribe

I got hit on by an incredibly attractive girl the other night. I know I was being hit on because as soon as I told her I lived with my girlfriend, I got a near-instant, "That's nice. Well, bye!" I've never been hit on by someone that attractive, or at all really, and even though I love my girlfriend and would never cheat, I still have the feeling like I missed out on something big. How do I/should I get over this?

My relationship with my GF was a bit rocky at first, but after some work has become pretty stable and works well, but I'm not as attracted to her as once was. I know this is incredibly common.

I'm not that attractive a guy though, and I know that this particular situation will almost certainly never repeat itself. I will never run into this girl again. We talked for over an hour. She seemed somewhat nervous and focused a lot on asking questions, which is exactly what people here will recommend when someone says they're not good at starting or maintaining conversations. She stepped out a bit, but when she came back, gave me the smile and come hither wave. Eventually, the where do you live question came up, and when I said neighborhood X with my girlfriend, I think I could see her stiffen a bit, then say, "That's nice. Well, see ya!". I imagine she was thinking "What the hell am I doing" to herself the entire time, and was weirded out the instant I said I was involved, which is also perfectly natural.

I can't get this out of my mind though. For me, this was a unique situation and I feel a sense of loss. It's not really fair to my GF to be thinking like this, and it doesn't feel very good either. How can I/should I stop thinking about this?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (34 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
 
This happened the other night. The passage of time will help. If it's still bothering you in three or four months you can worry about it then. It's nice knowing that other people find us interesting or attractive. Be kind to yourself, enjoy it.
posted by MoonOrb at 3:32 PM on October 11, 2011 [9 favorites]


If you're not used to being hit on, it's going to stay with you for a little while, and then you'll forget all about it. You're flattered. It's okay to be flattered! But that doesn't mean you missed anything big.
posted by katillathehun at 3:36 PM on October 11, 2011 [6 favorites]


It's nice knowing that other people find us interesting or attractive.

This. Use the experience to remind yourself of this. Don't worry about what you might have missed out on -- that's perfectly normal for people to wonder. If you're happy with your GF, that's a good thing. Plenty of people are envious of you for that.
posted by DoubleLune at 3:38 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


Just enjoy the ego boost, the mental catch-phrase is "Yep, I still got it!"

You're a human. You have hormones. You have no reason to feel guilty for being aware someone you talked to was attractive, or was attracted to you. My answer to whether you "should" stop thinking about this is: not until that happens naturally (in like two days.) Till then it's silent introspective high fives for A.) still having it! B.) not being a sleaze-bag who took advantage of the opportunity or lied about being committed.
posted by oblio_one at 3:38 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


The fact you are saying the first time this has ever happened to you, that it will never happen again, and that you are totally flummoxed about it, makes me think you are relatively young and inexperienced in the dating scene, and that you want to date more.

How long have you been with your GF? Maybe you've gotten too serious too quickly?

IMHO you sound like you are not quite ready for a long term relationship.

Being attracted to someone who "may" be attracted to you happens all the time when you are in a serious relationship. Saying, "OMG THERE WENT MY ONLY CHANCE IN LIFE WITH AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON" does not. It is an indication for me that you need to date more.
posted by The ____ of Justice at 3:40 PM on October 11, 2011 [5 favorites]


this is how the world works . . . when you're with someone, you get hit on. when you're single, it's nothing but crickets. enjoy the fact that it happened but be glad you have a girlfriend, that's much more valuable than being hit on.
posted by GastrocNemesis at 3:41 PM on October 11, 2011 [21 favorites]


Well, look. She only interacted with you for a short time, so we can rule out her being madly in love with you. And when she figured out you were in the no-boff zone, she bailed.

Not suggesting that she owed it to you to love the beautiful complex human being that you are, and not just want you for your body. That's a bit much to ask on an hour's acquaintance.

Some may disagree, but given that she was not prepared to frame this as a "making new friends" experience as well as a "hitting on that guy" experience, I think you missed out on something small, rather than something big.

I do wonder whether this has made you think differently about your relationship, though. Previously you labelled yourself as not-attractive, therefore you estimated that you had few alternatives to the relationship you're currently in. Now you're starting to think maybe you do have alternatives and realizing there are implications to that.
posted by tel3path at 3:42 PM on October 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


Sometimes thinking about what is fair to you is not necessarily "fair" to the GF, but that's the way individuality goes.

I do respect the sanctity of other peoples' relationships to a near-religious degree, but I just want to say that having a similar first-timer experience sometime in the past 10 years (and in my 30s) permanently changed me. My reaction was something like, "if I don't think I'm at all attractive (which I really never had), then I must have pretty low self-esteem and/or are depressed (which I tend)." I'm not saying I'm super-lala-awesome, but everybody knows their own romantic history, of chances taken and not taken, and the presence or lack of people who are attractive in this way (perhaps better described in terms of 'chemistry') in each column. It can be an eye-opener, is all I'm saying, and not simply where you wonder whether your current GF is attractive enough.

For me it wasn't a case of "Yep, I still got it," because I never, ever, thought that I had "it." At all, much less naturally-occurring. It's had a very strange effect on me, quite liberating, not completely confidence-making, but still I think a positive change where it has revealed blind spots, things I didn't know about myself, in my everyday life. Of course I also say all this as a single guy, so perhaps I'm just full of shit, or that it actually ruined me. "YMMV," then. :)
posted by rhizome at 3:50 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


To be honest, you don't sound that psyched to be dating your girlfriend. Maybe you're settling? Self-esteem issues?
posted by stoneandstar at 3:52 PM on October 11, 2011 [7 favorites]


I think you must be projecting all sorts of things onto this girl here, based on an hour's worth of conversation. Projecting that she's not just hot, but also someone you'd get along with amazingly well, have an awesome relationship with, etc.

If you knew for a fact that this girl was a pathological liar, mentally unstable, would cheat on you repeatedly, would verbally attack and nag you all day, was always pissed at you for one thing or another and would cause scenes where she'd run off and you'd have to chase her and apologize, would be constantly trying to change things about you, would sabotage your life based on spite if she got mad at you, would you still feel like you were missing out on something big? If you knew that the night you met her, she had a boyfriend that she was just trying to get revenge on, would you still feel like you were missing out? Or she goes into manic phases and sleeps with guys and is totally disinterested in the morning, would you still feel that way?

You don't know anything about this girl, anything at all, based on the tiny amount of time you talked to her. So try to stay away from thinking you missed out on a great relationship because that's total imagination. What we can say with more certainty is you might have missed out on one a night of sex with a hot girl. Is that really such a big deal?
posted by Ashley801 at 3:55 PM on October 11, 2011 [21 favorites]


If you're not used to being hit on, it's going to stay with you for a little while, and then you'll forget all about it. You're flattered. It's okay to be flattered! But that doesn't mean you missed anything big.

For real. You should realize that this other person has probably forgotten about you and the incident.
posted by hal_c_on at 3:56 PM on October 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


What we can say with more certainty is you might have missed out on one a night of sex with a hot girl. Is that really such a big deal?

ZOMG! You are gonna keep the OP thinking about this for months!
posted by hal_c_on at 3:57 PM on October 11, 2011 [8 favorites]


Argh!

Well the same thing applies there too. She was hot, but the sex might have be boring, bad, embarrassing, gross, weird, she might have fallen asleep, you might have fallen asleep, etc.
posted by Ashley801 at 3:58 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


When you're dating, you reject other people a lot; you get rejected a lot. This is the nature of the game.

When you're in a relationship, for the most part, that stops. You're just in a Thing. It's a Relationship. Even when you fight, or it's not good, it's not the same; even when a relationship fails, it's closer to a rational/emotional decision and not an early-stage "eh, bye" type of rejection.

You're not used to it, and it's not like you were actually dating this girl, so rejection - an emotion you haven't experienced in a while - blindsided you, and hurt as badly as it can. That's all it was. Give it a little time, and it won't bother you.
posted by Tomorrowful at 4:11 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


I'd be willing to bet that the woman who hit on you, if she read this question, wouldn't recognize herself as the "incredibly attractive girl" you talk about. Being approached and hit on is often a great ego-boost, and the people who hit on us tend to look better in that moment, because it's an emotionally stressful (in a good way, mostly) situation, so everything is heightened.

Also, she probably told her friends that she tried to pick up "and incredibly attractive boy," and wouldn't you know it? All the pretty ones are taken.
posted by xingcat at 4:14 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


Enjoy the, "wow, someone actually did that to me" while also enjoying the, "wow I really channeled my inner English, held my head high, and didn't do anything stupid."

Jolly good!
posted by Slackermagee at 4:31 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


I'd keep this in a sort of mental 'confidence bank'.

Kinda like a wank bank, only less gross. When you're feeling down, or disliked, or whatever you can say 'hey, self, remember when that hot girl hit on you? you're an attractive guy'.

I do wonder whether this has made you think differently about your relationship, though. Previously you labelled yourself as not-attractive, therefore you estimated that you had few alternatives to the relationship you're currently in. Now you're starting to think maybe you do have alternatives and realizing there are implications to that.

Yeah this too. Realizing that I had the power to accept and reject people - that I didn't have to always settle - was amazing.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 4:32 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


"I'm not that attractive a guy though"

Yeah, you kind of are. I think you should be less worried about getting over this and more concerned about what to do next time this happens.

I can't help you with that, though.
posted by stubby phillips at 4:33 PM on October 11, 2011


Listen, I have sad news for you: She's not coming back.

You could spend the rest of your life trying to track down this hot girl that you talked to for ten minutes, ignoring the gigantic probability that:

a.) there's some aspect of her personality/religion/background that's horribly incompatible with you
b.) by the time you find her she has a boyfriend
c.) she actually wasn't serious about hitting on you
d.) she finds it abhorrent that you broke up with/thought about cheating on your current girlfriend for her
e.) EVEN IF you get in a relationship, she dumps you ten days later
f.) all of the above
g.) there's probably something I haven't thought of

...or you could move on and appreciate your life.
posted by Nixy at 5:08 PM on October 11, 2011 [14 favorites]


Nixy's comment is awesome. I'd especially take note of d) because these questions often seem to assume that the woman won't have negative feelings about a guy who wants to cheat/dump his girlfriend for her.
posted by sweetkid at 5:18 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


I have been that hot girl. You dropped the g-bomb, so she's already stopped thinking about you if she has any sense of decency. It sounds like you've enjoyed the ego boost. Not it's time to let it go. Were you especially confident or outgoing that night? Confidence, a good sense of humor, and a great smile are huge factors in attracting anyone. It sounds like you don't have the greatest self-esteem if you're still thinking about getting hit on by that woman. Stop thinking that way!

I hope you learned from that incident that physically attractive women don't necessarily go for Brad Pitts, and it's unfair to think they do and sell yourself short that way. You probably have a lot going for you! I've never been attracted to an Abercrombie model types since I haven't yet encountered a super good-looking guy who was compassionate, intellectual, religious, hard working, not self-absorbed, emotionally available, and single. A guy's personality can transform how I perceive him physically to a great extent.

Good looking women have just as many "issues" as less conventionally attractive women, so cherish your girl if things are going well otherwise, and realize that the grass isn't always greener. Guys seem to value physical attraction a little more, so they put hot women on pedestals. That attitude is not helpful to anyone. Stop filling in your mental picture of this attractive stranger with good qualities that have no basis in reality.
posted by sunnychef88 at 5:26 PM on October 11, 2011 [9 favorites]


If I were your girlfriend I'd be really upset if I knew some random who you talked to for an hour made you question our relationship. I think if you value your relationship this little and you're partly with her because you feel like you're low on options, you should probably end it.
posted by timsneezed at 5:40 PM on October 11, 2011 [13 favorites]


You talked to this girl for AN HOUR before mentioning your girlfriend - who you live with?

If I were your girlfriend I would feel bad that you spent an hour flirting with someone you found hot before mentioning your romantic commitments. Are you sure you're committed? Maybe this is your indication that sowing some wild oats may be in order at this point in your life.

As for the hot girl thing - this is not the only time this will happen. It may happen more going forward.

I'm guessing it's some combo of these things:
1. Some men are way more attractive at 30 than they were at 20 (especially the non-Abercrombie model type)

2. Women who are closer to 30 than 20 may be less interested in Abercrombie model types and more interested in humor/intelligence/kindness

3. Men with girlfriends/wives are more comfortable/confident and therefore more attractive

You have probably grown into better looks since you met your current GF. Just decide if your relationship is important enough to forget your potential value on the dating market now, or if you want to test out your new hotness.
posted by rainydayfilms at 5:42 PM on October 11, 2011 [9 favorites]


...would verbally attack and nag you all day, was always pissed at you for one thing or another and would cause scenes where she'd run off and you'd have to chase her and apologize, would be constantly trying to change things about you, would sabotage your life based on spite if she got mad at you, would you still feel like you were missing out on something big? If you knew that the night you met her, she had a boyfriend that she was just trying to get revenge on, would you still feel like you were missing out? Or she goes into manic phases and sleeps with guys and is totally disinterested in the morning, would you still feel that way?
Wow, Ashley, I wish had that foresight when I was 25 and about to turn a random hook-up into one of the worst relationships of my life. Protip to my children when they are old enough; beware the aggressive but vindictive and hot but unstable members of the opposite sex.

Anyways, to the OP, I just typed out a long response that was likely full of overshares but i decided to go with this simple one addition to what people have already said. You mentioned you felt like you missed out on something; if that something is "random one night stand/hook-up" I have some advice... you ain't missing much. Everyone I know talks about how one night stands are great if you're single, tons of fun, keep you sane... but they are usually fairly average. Overall the best part of the one-nighter is the confidence boost that someone finds you attractive, well you got that. Now go take that energy and confidence into the bedroom with your girlfriend and show her a good time.

And everyone has different opinions on this, but most girls I know are okay if their boyfriend flirts as long as they have no intention of doing anything about it and are giving plenty of attention to them to make them feel secure. If you want to stay with your girlfriend, make sure she feels secure in your relationship and then let go of your guilt, and let go of the sense of loss.
posted by midmarch snowman at 5:59 PM on October 11, 2011


Getting hit on by someone attractive is an ego-inflating experience, not really something you need to "get over". Take it as a compliment and move on. Enjoy the rush it gives you by all means. But what exactly do you feel like you missed out on here? The sex? The girl herself? Love at first sight? If it's occupying your thoughts that much... there might be more to this. It sounds like the rocky relationship and waning attraction to your girlfriend might be bothering you more than you let on.

And just for the record, you let her hit on you, and presumably flirted back, without mentioning your live-in girlfriend for an hour? That may or may not upset your girlfriend, but if I was the woman in the bar, I'd be pretty pissed. You let her keep thinking she had a chance. No wonder she left so fast!
posted by metaphorik at 6:20 PM on October 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


Some men are way more attractive at 30 than they were at 20 (especially the non-Abercrombie model type)

Very true, I've always thought even as a little girl that most guys are at their most handsome in their 30s.
posted by Ashley801 at 6:24 PM on October 11, 2011 [1 favorite]


Use this to practice working out your "there but for fortune" muscle, or whatever you want to call it. It's the reaction you develop when you're not an asshole, you're in a committed monogamous relationship, and people hit on you. It's going to happen to you another 100 times in life, whether you stay with this woman and eventually marry her, or date 25 other women and eventually marry one of them, or just have a long-term committment.

The old joke is "I'm getting married, not buried." When you're in a committment, the world doesn't stop. It's still full of single people and they still - some percentage of them anyway - are going to be attracted to you. AT times they will actually throw themselves at you. At times you'll be in situations where it seems like it would be absolutely trivial to take them up on the offer, pursue the momentary attraction. IT's clear that you both want it and you could get away with it.

Some people do, but if you don't want to live that kind of life, you have to exercise the "thanks but no thanks" muscle, the "maybe in another lifetime" muscle, the "timing is everything, sorry we're not in the same place in life" muscle, or some other name. It happens. If you aren't dead, you'll be attracted to other people and they'll be attracted to you. That's as simple and dumb as evolution makes it. But if you've worked hard to arrive at a committment to someone else that you value, you take the compliment, and shut down the speculative impulse, and invest your energy back where you really want it and where it'll do the most good in your life, leading you to the places you really want to be as a human being with a finite lifetime.

If that's not with your SO, then you have more thinking to do.
posted by Miko at 6:27 PM on October 11, 2011 [3 favorites]


Wisdom from a bathroom wall: "No matter how cute you think she is, someone, somewhere, is sick of her shit."
Take it as a compliment, but don't assume this was any great missed opportunity.
posted by Gilbert at 6:30 PM on October 11, 2011 [9 favorites]


The one that got away.

We all have 'em. You don't have to have been in a relationship, or attractive, or unattractive. It happens to everybody.

It's that person whose gaze you meet across the way and for some reason smiles. The one that seems out of your league but talks to you, is interested in you, and who has beautiful eyes, a great smile. The person that laughs at your jokes, and who makes you laugh, even though you've only known each other for mere minutes.

But for some reason, things go awry. Something comes up, time ticks and one of you has to go, a distraction, or your better sense gets the best of you because this is crazy. You don't get a full name, or a number. You are left with a recollection of those beautiful eyes, that great smile; a feeling of warmth, something like electricity between the two of you. But that's it. It's over.

But it's probably better that way. For various reasons, it's probably better that way. Because, and this will happen: the one that got away will be replaced by the one you caught, and the one you caught will fill you pretty well, and all that will be left over time of the one that got away is a fleeting feeling of fondness.

Trust me.
posted by jabberjaw at 6:53 PM on October 11, 2011 [2 favorites]


With this you get the bragging without actually having to have the sex.
posted by Lovecraft In Brooklyn at 10:19 PM on October 11, 2011


If one pretty girl flirts with you and it takes something this obvious to clue you in, it's likely that other girls have flirted with you in the past, you just haven't picked up on it. My boyfriend was/is like that, thinks girls are just being very friendly.

You'd have probably botched this kind of relationship anyway, if circumstances had led you to actually date her somehow. Your apparent general lack of confidence and focus on attractiveness would have led you to start questioning her attraction to you, and you'd become needy, insecure and jealous. And then she'd break up with you, because that is really unattractive.
posted by lizbunny at 10:22 PM on October 11, 2011 [4 favorites]


Life's missed opportunities, at the end, may seem more poignant to us than those we embraced — because in our imagination they have a perfection that reality can never rival.

--Roger Ebert
posted by mreleganza at 2:46 AM on October 12, 2011 [14 favorites]


If I were your girlfriend I'd be really upset if I knew some random who you talked to for an hour made you question our relationship.

Yes, this. When I've been in this situation with previous partners, I always looked back and saw that it was a big sign that something wasn't working. In contrast, it's happened a couple of times since I started dating my SO (nice person talks to me at a party, despite low confidence I realise they're 'interested') and I've simply saw it as a nice ego-boost but nothing compared to the nice relationship/bond I have with my partner, and that's a really nice feeling to feel./

Although I don't think it's weird that the OP wouldn't mention their partner straight away - in the past, I've found it tremendously grating when I've been chatting to someone and they suddenly start shoehorning references to having a girlfriend in the conversation. I think we all like to feel that we can talk to the opposite/same sex without it necessarily having a sexual overtone. Of course, if it was super flirty then it probably should have been dropped in there sooner.
posted by mippy at 7:06 AM on October 13, 2011


I don't think it's weird that the OP wouldn't mention their partner straight away

Neither do I. Not only is our partner status not always the most significant defining factor in our identities, but I actually get a little offended when I'm talking to a guy in a friendly way and he slips the 'girlfriend' reference in right off the bat. I feel like he's decided I'm unattractive and is trying to get me off that track right away, so I tend to take it as an insult. In addition to which, it can reflect arrogance, because good Lord, I'm not hitting on you just because I'm talking to you about generic matters, and if some folks think they are that irresistible and every woman who speaks to them must be hitting on them, they're delusional.
posted by Miko at 7:50 AM on October 13, 2011 [2 favorites]


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